Things your dad is still doing.

[non capisco]

Your dad refers to his actual TV as "the Britbox".

[Glebe]

Your dad plasters himself in fake tan and goes down to the precinct. "Look everyone I'm a Red Indian! 'HOW!'"

[the Fallen]

Walking the walls all hours of the night just to shit blood

[the Fallen]

Bringing underage boys abroad

[Glebe]

Malcolm down the road

"He lives smack in the centre of the row, we call him 'Malcolm in the Middle', heh!'

"Oh yeah dad, like the comedy show!"

Your dad's smile drops.

"What? What's this about a comedy show?"

[the Fallen]

"He lives smack in the centre of the row, we call him 'Malcolm in the Middle', heh!'

"Oh yeah dad, like the comedy show!"

Your dad's smile drops.

"What? What's this about a comedy show?"

Your dad's smile drops.

"what's this about smack?"

[frajer]

Your dad is proudly growing himself a moustache for "Manuary." You think about asking, and then realise life's too short.

[Glebe]

Your dad is watching a Bernard Manning tribute video on YT. "I'm not crying, you're crying!"

[Glebe]

Your dad splurges out a five-minute word salad featuring the terms "Ronseal", "Cuprinol", "Weathershield" and "Flymo" among others.

[The Bumlord]

Your dad repeatedly and interminably opens and closes the drawers on his new small pine storage chest.

"Look at that craftsmanship!" he says, close to tears.

[Glebe]

Your dad is reading The Beano with a bag of Haribo Starmix. You can't help but smile at the look of ecstatic bliss on his face.

[Glebe]

"Want do you think of my new suit Dad?"

"Them's fresh garms young blud."

[frajer]

Your dad is firing the 48 remaining unused Christmas party poppers consecutively by your head.

Joke's on him, you went temporarily deaf after the second one!

[Glebe]

Your dad is in the conservatory performing 'The Dad Rap!', with his mate Norman on decks.

Yo yo, your dad here in the place
Just chilling with m'bitches
Cruising in da hood with m'crew, see?

Got Norm on the decks
With his mad cuttin' skillz
So you better watch y'back 'round here, G!

Norman starts getting carried away with the scratching, "Allow it, Norm."

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad repeatedly tells a HMRC call handler that he will not be their paypig.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Your dad has started referring to women as "specimens".

[frajer]

Your dad often makes himself a twin stack of fish finger sandwiches, which he calls the Twin Towers.

"Never forget, son."

[Glebe]

Your dad describes The Best of Marillion as containing "some bangin' tunes mate."

[frajer]

Your dad can't open a jar of Marmite so has requested "a man with strong hands" via Reddit.

[Glebe]

Your dad and Norman are hanging around the precinct conversing in London Urban.

[frajer]

Your dad is tapping on the glass of the restaurant du posh's lobster tank and telling them all it's embarrassing how they live their lives.

[Glebe]

Your dad is always expressing that "shit is just way too fucked up son."

[The Bumlord]

Your dad is striding confidently around the house wearing Crocs, a pair of Ninja Turtles boxers from Primark and a stovepipe hat.

"You're not going out like that are you, dad?"

"Stop picking on me! I wish I'd never been BORN"

[Glebe]

Your dad is placidly mowing the lawn and thinking "Fuck my life."

[frajer]

Your dad announces he's going to open up a can of whup-ass! You're momentarily intrigued but turns out it's just Campbells Leek and Potato soup, again.

[The Bumlord]

Your dad is locked in the shed. He's put a big sign up outside saying DADS ONLY.

It's been four days now.

[Glebe]

Your dad spends 15 hours watching old TV ads taped on VHS.

"'Rerecord, not fade away' - get it?"

He's grinning but his eyes look haunted.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Your dad and Norman are hanging around the precinct conversing in London Urban.

You dad now exclusively refers to himself and Norman as "De Bredren"

[Catalogue of ills]

Your dad still can't believe that "them police killed George Foreman"

[The Bumlord]

Your dad throws open the door to the living room and emerges wearing a leotard and a feather boa.

"I'm one of those homosexuals they have nowadays son. Now get your pants off."


"Very funny dad."

A pause.

"Get. Them. Off."