Things your dad is still doing.

[the Fallen]

Pretending he's big tight mates with lairy Dostoyevsky

[the Fallen]

Queueing

[Glebe]

He's doing the Shake n' Vac until he puts his back out.

[the Fallen]

What he calls is banter

[Glebe]

Your dad describes his lifestyle as "Well boujee."

[the Fallen]

framing someone only he refers to as |Roger Rabbit

That ISA's depleting in no time

[itsfredtitmus]

He's managed to manipulate his anus into positions that are capable of producing vowels and consonants. A proud son, you should be!

He only talks to you with his arse directly facing you now- hairy thing it is. Proper minging!

[the Fallen]

I'm not waking him up to find out, if he is even asleep.

[Glebe]

Your dad is absolutely mad for the hardcore garage sound.

[Glebe]

Your dad is in the lounge giving it socks to the sound of M People's 'Open Your Heart'.

[frajer]

Your dad buys a sack of coal ready for next Christmas, explaining a lot of relatives have already fucked him off to an irredeemable degree. He gives you a pointed stare as he says this.

[jenna appleseed]

"fantastic, that means I'll be able to afford to heat my house next winter. Just have to not freeze to death right now, first" - Your Dad's relatives

[Glebe]

"Do kids still say 'amazee-balls' son?" inquires your dad, "I was going to use the term on dadsnet forum but I don't want to seem out of touch."

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad has two responses to the news: "Who cares?!" and "Kick them out of the country!!!".

"What if someone wanted to kick you out of the country, Dad?"
"Who cares?! Wait! I'll kick you out of the country!"

[frajer]

Your dad thinks Paddington 2 is underrated, if anything.

"It's pretty much universally beloved, dad."

"Then where were its fucking Oscar wins?!" He throws down his newspaper, stands and heads towards the shed, muttering, "I'm not doing this again."

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Your dad is writing to the controller of the GOLD TV channel to suggest replacing GOLD+1 with a new channel called GOLD-1.

When you point out that this amounts to the same thing, only with everything in the schedule brought forward an hour, he shakes his head and says, 'Son, you're an idiot. Always have been and always will be.'

[seepage]

My partner did believe me when I said there was a CH4-1 etc.

[Glebe]

Your dad takes out a bus shelter's worth of fellow civilians using strike, counter and evade. "Been playing a bit too much PS5 son," he admits to you down the police station later.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

You're attempting to talk your dad out of launching himself and his homemade hang-glider from the top floor of the multi-storey car park.

"The problem with you son, is that you have no ambition in life" he retorts as he fixes everything into place using a carpet stapler.

"Now start filming this. It's going to be mega".

You've already got the camera pointing at the ground far below in readiness.

[Glebe]

You're attempting to talk your dad out of launching himself and his homemade hang-glider from the top floor of the multi-storey car park.

"The problem with you son, is that you have no ambition in life" he retorts as he fixes everything into place using a carpet stapler.

"Now start filming this. It's going to be mega".

You've already got the camera pointing at the ground far below in readiness.

"Well son, it looks like this the end for the Batman!" croaks your dad.

"I told you not to do it. Well I didn't but... bloody heck this is definitely going on YouTube! After we get you to A&E of course. I'm not that heartless, Father!"

[Glebe]

Your dad has grown a big '80s 'tache and is barbequing in the back garden and daydreaming about Milky Ways.

[frajer]

Your dad is making you take his picture in front of the neighbour's new Jag. "Quicksharp son, he said he'd fucking batter me if he caught me again."

[PlanktonSideburns]

Your dad is making you take his picture in front of the neighbour's new Jag. "Quicksharp son, he said he'd fucking batter me if he caught me again."

Delightful

[Glebe]

Your dad and Norman are in the kitchen singing what they call 'The Jub-a-Jub' song, wearing kiss-me-quick hats and doing a kind of funny line dance. It's so delightfully silly that you haven't got the heart to be cynical about it!

[Glebe]

Your dad is taking the lower thumb tack out of the kitchen wall calender again and flipping on in searching of Pancake Day. "Think I'm more excited for this than Christmas to be honest son!"

[seepage]

Your dad's quite correct there.

[Glebe]

Your dad's quite correct there.

"Thank you, seepage! You see son, somebody agrees with me!"

[jenna appleseed]

Your dad is taking the lower thumb tack out of the kitchen wall calender again and flipping on in searching of Pancake Day. "Think I'm more excited for this than Christmas to be honest son!"

Your dad works for Innocent and I claim my five smoothies.

[Glebe]

"Watching Matlock at 4AM what am I like?"

He's on his second packet of Jersey creams. "Kettle's boiled if you want a cuppa son. Oh he's gone back to bed."

[frajer]

Your dad sets up a wildlife cam and accidentally records himself slinging dogshit into the neighbour's garden.

He posts the footage and gets 12 views, meaning you get a breathless phonecall while at work. "Son, I'm viral!!"