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Things your dad is still doing.

Started by Glebe, November 02, 2021, 08:50:35 PM

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Glebe

Your dad feels "nostalgic about vaporwave."

Sherringford Hovis

Stretching his scrotum over the lens of Grandad's old Super 8 projector, your Dad is casting impressive fleshy lava lamp patterns against next door's gable-end while his frenzied squealing is surprisingly pitch-perfect to the opening bars of The Great Gig in the Sky.

"Tonight Matthew, me an' Norm are being Pink Floyd!" he exclaims urgently.

Glebe

Your dad pops round to your house for a change.

"Kettle's on dad. Jersey creams or lemon puffs?"

"Don't do this to me son. Don't do this to me."

"You can have both dad."

The look on relief on his face on heartbreaking.

Glebe

Your dad has Thora Hird's autograph.

Glebe

Your bring your mate Geoff round to your dad's for tea.

"So Geoff, I hear you're a fan of that Lords of the Ring?"

"The Lord of the Rings, yes."

"So tell me about it then!" bleats your dad, leaning in close to Geoff's face.

"Well, er, it's written by JRR Tolkien and it's set in Middle-Earth and-"

"-Yes yes yes yes go on!"

"-Em it's about these rings made by Sauron-"

"-Yeah yeah yeah yeah-"

Geoff is sweating now.

"-a-and it concerns these different races, men, elves, dwarves, hobbits, the Istari, or wizards-"

"-YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH-"

"-and, and-"

"-RIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH MATE!"

"OH!! I look I have to go thanks for the tea and-"

"-GET OUT! AND KEEP AWAY FROM MY GRANDCHILDREN Y'WEIRDO!"

KaraokeDragon

Your dad is paying through the nose for a 700W microwave off Ebay.

Glebe

"SON, ONE OF YOUR WEIRD SCI-FI FANTASY PROGRAMMES IS ON!"

"Oh Doctor Who, is it? Nah not bothered dad."

Your dad folds his arms angrily. "Suppose I'd better watch it then."

He actually kind of enjoys it, absent-mindedly getting splashes of tea and lemon puff crumbs on his sensible jumper. It's the grey sensible jumper today. There's grass cutting from earlier on it as well.

Fishfinger

Has his leg in the wrong trouser hole and refusing correction, but, given the timescale, it's generally thought that he can attend the funeral 'as is' at the back.

Captain Poodle Basher

Quote from: Glebe on January 14, 2022, 05:55:27 PMYour dad has Thora Hird's autograph.

He looks at it and remembers.

He'd asked for her phone number but she'd shook her head and gave him her autograph instead.

"Phone number wouldn't be much good these days would it?" He mutters as he slips into that reverie again.

Standing at the foot of Thora's stairs as she smiles coquettishly at him from her stair lift.

Which to do?

Race the stairs ahead of her to be waiting on her arrival?

Or stay below awaiting her invitation from above?

"Ah, romance. Isn't it wonderful" he says to the dog.

Glebe

He got Hird's autograph at a local jumble sale in 1996. She was visiting a nearby relative at the time and was staying in the area for some days.

"Not a very nice bloke I'm sure Thora was railroaded into the visit. He had an angry voice and excessive nasal hair. But I digress, Thora was wonderful, just everything I'd expected her to be! She told me a rude story about Peter Sallis that had me laughing like a drain!"

Glebe

Your dad comes storming in from the garden, his eyebrows raised in a fit of pique.

"Them blooming kids have been at my prize cabbages again, the little bleeders!"

"It's slugs dad. You can't blame the kids for everything."

"Oh slugs, is it?" grins your dad sarcastically. "So you're a gardener now, is it?"

"Dad, there's no need to be like that about it!"

"YES THERE FLIPPING WELL IS! Get out, you're no son of mine!"

He later regrets saying this and buys you a packet of Wagon Wheels as recompense, "kettle's on."

Fishfinger

He continues to slay toddlers with his cack-handed driving. It has been pointed out that he could drive around later in the morning to avoid the school run but he believes that, in a free country, he could accelerate into a tree if he wanted. The journalist requested that he be released from your dad's vehicle and that there would be a favourable write-up please as soon as possible please

Catalogue of ills

'Sue! Sue! What's this in me sandwich?'

It's cheese and chutney

'But I have cheese and Branston!' he whines, welling up.

Pink Gregory

Your dad is hunting field mice with his petrol strimmer

"Red in tooth and claw, son" he intones mirthlessly

KaraokeDragon

You discover through an ad placed on the classifieds in the Garysville Gazette that your dad has been operating a massage parlour out of your childhood bedroom that offers concessions for pensioners and the unemployed.

Glebe

"Son, I'm breaking the internet again! My new TikTok is going completely viral!"

"Dad, you haven't even uploaded this video of yourself dancing to 'Summer Nights' in the conservatory yet!"

"Let me dream!"

Glebe

Your dad is fixing the lawnmower in the front garden when he suddenly hears a bit of a kerfuffle across the road.

"Those blooming millennials," he utters as he scrambles for the screwdriver.

Fishfinger

He remains insistent on fathering further children despite what appears to be a total lack of knowledge of said process, and the availability of the requisite meat.

Glebe

Your dad decides to become a Buddhist during a particularly rough existential crisis. "I've shaved off what little hair I have left and I'm ready to go!"

Glebe

Your dad is listening to his 'Dad's best of Big Country selection!' cassette and admiring his collection of 1000+ Opal Fruits wrappers.

frajer

Your dad is regaling everyone at the dinner table with his favourite Mortal Kombat finishing moves. "Up, down, back, back, back, back, then, crucially, A and B together. Ah, heady days!"

Glebe

"Moonpig dot com!" sings your dad, following up with "Funky Pigeon dot com!

"The themes are so similar, it's crazy!"

Glebe

Your dad surveys the overgrown lawn before gingerly starting the mower.

"I am thirsty for this," he whispers.

Glebe

You've just set the Monopoly board up when your dad suddenly turns 'gangsta'.

"Yo shit just got real! I'm all up in yo face! I'm steppin' to ya, son! You better bring your A game coz I will fuck you up, bro! Let's do this!"

frajer

Your dad announces he wants space allocating in the fridge-freezer for cryogenically preserving his head, so you'd better get through those frozen peas by the time he's dead "if that's not too much to ask!"

Glebe

Your dad sneaks downstairs during the night for a "chekky" Bovril!

itsfredtitmus

hes started leaving piss in his bag of sugar puffs so instead of his urine having a uncomfortably strong odour of honey and wheat (the usual order of things) its the sugar puffs themselves that smell like piss

he says "it makes for an interesting morning!" certainly does THE TWAT

Glebe

Quote from: itsfredtitmus on January 20, 2022, 01:45:49 AMhes started leaving piss in his bag of sugar puffs so instead of his urine having a uncomfortably strong odour of honey and wheat (the usual order of things) its the sugar puffs themselves that smell like piss

he says "it makes for an interesting morning!" certainly does THE TWAT

"And you don't want to hear what I've done with the packets of cheese and ham, son!"

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on January 19, 2022, 01:50:17 PMYour dad announces he wants space allocating in the fridge-freezer for cryogenically preserving his head, so you'd better get through those frozen peas by the time he's dead "if that's not too much to ask!"


Glebe

"Just popping up to Tesco, Dad!"

"Destroy the c*nt," your dad whispers under his breath.