The Christmas Shop Song Vomitorium 2021

[dissolute ocelot]

I don't think I've heard it this year, though. But I have heard Santa Baby, another (very slightly less) horrible song. Absolute worst version of that, though, is unambiguously the Michael Bublé version. The lyrics in that are changed to be all "Santa buddy" and "Santa pally", because Michael Bublé is Not Gay. And the car he asks for is dark blue (as opposed to the light blue one in the original lyrics) because, again, Michael Bublé is Not Gay. It takes a song that was already dumb and makes it infinitely more dumb presumably just because the record company was hard pressed to think of "classic" secular Christmas songs to fill an entire album. I heard that version once, in Oxfam, and I nearly cringed myself inside out.

How can you invite someone to hurry down your chimney in a Not Gay way? Unless you're going to cremate them. It's like trying to do a version of Saviour's Day that doesn't mention God.

[Darles Chickens]

There aren't many notable modern Christmas songs, but I came across this one the other day from 2016 which just burrowed its way into my head and decided to stick around.

It has all the winning ingredients - derivative Motown bassline and swing rhythm, sleigh bells, two upward key changes, nostalgic lyrics and an interesting chord progression, including that most Christmassy of chords, E7b9.

I also think it's part of the free-to-use YouTube library rather than something which ever got a release, which is a shame, as there's no chance of it pushing aside Mariah "fucking" Carey in the shops.

[flotemysost]

How can you invite someone to hurry down your chimney in a Not Gay way? Unless you're going to cremate them. It's like trying to do a version of Saviour's Day that doesn't mention God.

Let's not forget this bit either:

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing
A ring, I don't mean on the phone

I mean, it could be a diamond ring. But it could also be an arsehole that's shilling for a filling. Either way, missed oportunity for a wonderfully salacious take on a classic there, M-Boobs.

There aren't many notable modern Christmas songs, but I came across this one the other day from 2016 which just burrowed its way into my head and decided to stick around.

It has all the winning ingredients - derivative Motown bassline and swing rhythm, sleigh bells, two upward key changes, nostalgic lyrics and an interesting chord progression, including that most Christmassy of chords, E7b9.

I also think it's part of the free-to-use YouTube library rather than something which ever got a release, which is a shame, as there's no chance of it pushing aside Mariah "fucking" Carey in the shops.

It's got that slightly unnerving uncanny-valley feel to it, like any of the type of library pop tracks with vocals that gets played in Poundshop etc.

[bgmnts]

Christmas Wrapping is almost completely undone* by that awful sax solo.

_*lol

Yeah it's a fun song but I dont like that part.

The best Christmas song is by the Pet Shop Boys anyway.

https://youtu.be/l-EkZkUb9JE

[Icehaven]

Still like Malcolm Middleton's, although it's not entirely a Christmas song.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BbL9Vsobx8I

[turnstyle]

This new one from Barlow and Sheridan Smith is total Xmas deso:

[shiftwork2]

I'd like to bury Gary Barlow alive for Christmas.

[SteveDave]

I heard "Christmas Wrapping" play 3 times in a row in the small Tesco Disco Metro near me a few years ago. I asked what was happening to the person behind the till and she said "It's stuck...they've been trying to fix it for an hour or so now". Then the song finished. She looked up. Then the tinkling bell intro started again and she exhaled noisily.

[mothman]

Do Christmas songs fall in and out of fashion? Or are we stuck with the same couple of dozen forever? There seem to be ones that you hardly ever hear anymore, like "A Winter's Tale" or "In Dulci Jubilo". Or maybe they really did just fade into near-oblivion like most Christmas songs do (why yes Leona, I am talking about "One More Sleep")..?

[BritishHobo]

It does seem tough for new hits to break into the cycle. I remember being intrigued to see whether Peter Kay's Geraldine's Christmas song would become a fixture (especially as the lyrics were all about making a new Christmas classic), but that disappeared almost immediately, and nobody ever talks about it.

The xkcd webcomic did an interesting comic from an American perspective, showing how the majority of the most-played Christmas songs are from the childhood of baby boomers:
https://xkcd.com/988/

[mothman]

I don't think I've ever heard that song! Which says it all.

That XKCD is interesting but I wonder whether it says more about the inate conservatism of US radio stations. When I think about hearing most of those songs, it's usually in American movies. If I hear "Santa Clause Us Coming To Town" here it's more likely to be the Jacksons' version.

[H-O-W-L]

I heard "Christmas Wrapping" play 3 times in a row in the small Tesco Disco Metro near me a few years ago. I asked what was happening to the person behind the till and she said "It's stuck...they've been trying to fix it for an hour or so now". Then the song finished. She looked up. Then the tinkling bell intro started again and she exhaled noisily.

Did mention it in the HAHA thread, but an identical scenario happened at the Tesco I used to work at, only it was "DO THEY KNOW IT'S CUNTING CHRISTMAS" on a loop. For three hours. On a Sunday.

I legitimately still sometimes have stress dreams where I'm working there at Christmas and the tunes are playing, and I sometimes get like, panicked/fight-or-flight state when I hear some Christmas songs start up on the radio. Fucking dreadful. I really wish they'd not bothered. Even customers hate it.

[Das Reboot]

Anyone else detected a rise in the ubiquity of Step Into Christmas this year? It was on in three different shops when I was out shopping on Friday. Can't say I'd heard it until maybe last year, though apparently it was released way back in ye olde 1992.

Is this Ground Zero for its unilateral elevation to the top tier of "Oh fuck, not this again"?*:

Spoiler alert

Spoiler alert

Sorry

[close]

[close]

It's not quite yet in Champions League contention with I Wish, Everybody, Do They, Last and Fairytale, but I'd say it's already solid midtable with Comrade Shakey, Lewie and Carey.

*WARNING: Contains Corden

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Anyone else detected a rise in the ubiquity of Step Into Christmas this year? It was on in three different shops when I was out shopping on Friday. Can't say I'd heard it until maybe last year, though apparently it was released way back in ye olde 1992.

Is this Ground Zero for its unilateral elevation to the top tier of "Oh fuck, not this again"?*:

Spoiler alert

Spoiler alert

Sorry

[close]

[close]

It's not quite yet in Champions League contention with I Wish, Everybody, Do They, Last and Fairytale, but I'd say it's already solid midtable with Comrade Shakey, Lewie and Carey.

*WARNING: Contains Corden

I quite like Step Into Christmas. Although the opening lyric being "Welcome to my Christmas song" is lazier than every second of Mcartney's one put together.

[mothman]

Stewards enquiry: is it Whamageddon if it's a cover version?

[Butchers Blind]

I quite like Step Into Christmas. Although the opening lyric being "Welcome to my Christmas song" is lazier than every second of Mcartney's one put together.

Had a friend who would sing
Cock up my arse
One in my mouth
Everyone knows I'm the queen of the south
to the chorus of that Elton xmas song.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

" A friend".
Also, that " cock up my arse" needs an extra syllable.

[Das Reboot]

Stewards enquiry: is it Whamageddon if it's a cover version?

Had exactly the same experience during the above mentioned shopping trip when I got hit by some choral version. Decided, on balance, that it has to be Wham! to be Whamageddon. Hope this helps.

Also, scanning my mental checklist of the usual suspects, I've managed to so far avoid both Slade AND Wizzard. No Darkness either, have they been cancelled and I've just missed it?

I've heard Fairytale once this year but THAT offending line was somewhat crudely cut out.

[turnstyle]

Stewards enquiry: is it Whamageddon if it's a cover version?

Me and Mrs Turnstlye has some Christmas choons on the other night, and a cover of Last Christmas came on by none other than flippin' Billie.

If anyone is interested, here she is singing it on Blue Peter in 1998.

Peter Duncan is also a guest on the show, and is wearing a funky suit for some reason. It's like looking at an alternate Dr Who universe.

[DrGreggles]

Steven Page did this (semi) live version last year.

[mothman]

OK so I remain unWhammed. I haven't heard Fairytale in full yet but the one I did had the Haggard Substitution. Every year when I leave work for the last time before Christmas, I text my wife the YouTube link to the Rea song (just our little joke, yes I'm soppy shut up) but I haven't actually heard it apart from in a TV advert.

[Better Midlands]

Peter Duncan is also a guest on the show, and is wearing a funky suit for some reason. It's like looking at an alternate Dr Who universe.

There was a competition on Blue Peter a few years previously for viewers to design a suit for him to wear to an event, possibly a marathon.