Speak You're Branes

[Mobbd]

So. I was just scrolling through some terrible Guardian comments while having a poo and I found myself thinking about Speak You're Branes.

Here's an archived glimpse of the very funny but now-vanished website from the Wayback Machine: https://web.archive.org/web/20090722142916/http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/

And here's the founder of said website explaining himself in the Guide (RIP) back in 2008 (I remember reading this at the time too): https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2008/aug/16/internet.bbc

People on this forum must have enjoyed that site as much as I did. Surely? After wiping my bum and ignoring all the blood as usual, I did some Googling to find out.

I used to love it. There weren't many websites that made me laugh out loud, but that was one of them.

During the credit crunch I remember someone here posting a link to some handy money-saving hints on BBC Speak You're Branes Have Your Say or something and one of them was "Save money on pens, teabags etc by taking them from work".

You're both on report.

But maybe some of you 'whores even made contributions or wrote for it in some way?

That takes me back. I was a semi-regular contributor to SYB back in the day.

I want to know more. Share your memories, impressions, reflections of SYB here. Or, you know, don't.

Did anyone know "Nelson," the main poster? Or Matt, the founder? (Probably the same person). Are you in fact one of them and reading this now? Don't be shy.

"Speak You're Branes" aside from being a reference to the shit spelling of below-the-line say-havers presumably refers to Chris Morris' "Speak Your Brains" vox pops segment, yeah?

[Ferris]

I'm trying to remember my old username but it was years and years ago. I remember one of my mates from school posted as "Soft Touch Britain" or similar and I got into it through him.

It was mostly copy-pasting bewildered UKIPpers from the BBC's "Have Your Say" section and taking the piss. I used to read it regularly and submit stuff, and I (sort of?) remember it shutting down/slowing to a crawl.

It had a very CaB feel in terms of tone, there was a messageboard underneath each article (?) that I'd post in? And quite a good random "BBC Have Your Say" comment generator which selected a noun, a place, and a made up scenario ('if [the Finns] are [allowed to come over here], then [we'll all be murdered in our beds]!!'). Not sophisticated, but funny and formative.

I have very fond memories of it, but it was a long time ago so my recollection is limited and hazy and I remember nothing about admins/mods/regular posters etc unfortunately.

[Ferris]

I definitely had some stuff published (is that the right word?) on there and remember feeling proud about it, but I was submitting stuff to all sorts of tiny blogs and getting things printed because they were desperate for content and everyone had a blog back then, rather than my bits being any good.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I used to really enjoy it.

Although given it had insult phrasing like 'witless shit-prawn' I do wonder if it is partially responsible for things like 'cockwomble'.

[Mobbd]

Although given it had insult phrasing like 'witless shit-prawn' I do wonder if it is partially responsible for things like 'cockwomble'.

I have had similar thoughts but I think Charlie Brooker is yer origin story for that. He used to conflate words in precisely that way. I remember him calling someone a "titofaboob". Funny at the time perhaps but (and this is not Brooker's actual fault) it spawned a horrible poonami (whehey!) of copycat attempts on his humour. It probably started with stuff like Speak You're Branes as "we" (comedy smartarses) joined in with something we like and it went from there. All the way to cockwomble! Eurgh!

[Catalogue Trousers]

I remember the long-time poster Gobbler The Oral Sex Alsatian fondly. IIRC, it later turned out that Gobbler was intended as a sort of Dread Pirate Roberts/Robin Hood-type deal - when a poster got fed up with posting comments from Gobbler, a couple of weeks were allowed to pass and, if he hadn't resurfaced by then, anyone who was quick enough off the mark could take on Gobbler's mantle. I think that even I ended up as Gobbler for a few weeks at one point.

[Mobbd]

I definitely had some stuff published (is that the right word?) on there and remember feeling proud about it, but I was submitting stuff to all sorts of tiny blogs and getting things printed because they were desperate for content and everyone had a blog back then, rather than my bits being any good.

That is amazing, Ferris.

I submitted an item once (I can't say I had anything 'published' since it really was just a 'look at this twat!' with a link and no commentary) and was similarly delighted by the sense of connection.

I wish the site was still online. The archived version is hard to move around and the search function doesn't work.

Maybe it all feels a bit cruel now. Sneering maybe? But it felt cathartic at the time to know that other smart alecs had isolated so many special flavours of cuntery and was willing to recontexualise them, to drag them screaming into the light where they might PERISH. Or, I dunno, thrive probably.

At the time, it didn't feel like punching down. I for one felt very alone, completely surrounded and outnumbered by gammony kipper bastards.

[jobotic]

Used to enjoy it too, and occasionally posted there. Can't remember what name I had.

[Ferris]

That is amazing, Ferris.

I submitted an item once (I can't say I had anything 'published' since it really was just a 'look at this twat!' with a link and no commentary) and was similarly delighted by the sense of connection.

I wish the site was still online. The archived version is hard to move around and the search function doesn't work.

Maybe it all feels a bit cruel now. Sneering maybe? But it felt cathartic at the time to know that other smart alecs had isolated so many special flavours of cuntery and was willing to recontexualise them, to drag them screaming into the light where they might PERISH. Or, I dunno, thrive probably.

At the time, it didn't feel like punching down. I for one felt very alone, completely surrounded and outnumbered by gammony kipper bastards.

I remember feeling slightly isolated and but still idealistic enough that if I could just show people why they were wrong, they'd say "oh ok fair enough" and they'd become better. Quite a few years went by before I realized the world didn't work like that.

I'd be interested to read the archived version if there's a link? Or is that the one you posted in the OP? I couldn't get that to work but will give it another try.

[Ferris]

Got the link working, this is the second post. Plus ca change!

[H-O-W-L]

I have had similar thoughts but I think Charlie Brooker is yer origin story for that. He used to conflate words in precisely that way. I remember him calling someone a "titofaboob". Funny at the time perhaps but (and this is not Brooker's actual fault) it spawned a horrible poonami (whehey!) of copycat attempts on his humour. It probably started with stuff like Speak You're Branes as "we" (comedy smartarses) joined in with something we like and it went from there. All the way to cockwomble! Eurgh!

I still do this sort of conjunction/conflation of swears and I am completely remorseless about it, since I've been doing it since I was about seven years old. Blame it all on Grand Theft Auto!

[canadagoose]

I'm pretty sure I commented a few times around 2009/10, probably as "LottieZero".

Does anyone remember the "Animal Fannies" section? It'd just take a stupid comment from HYS and the commenter would get called some kind of cloaca. It was highly amusing to me at the time.

I wish SYB could be "restored" from the archive.org snapshots someday - I'd like to browse through it like I used to and enjoy the relentless piss-taking of some of the most annoying people on the internet.

[Blue Jam]

'member this?



I used to love the comment categories: "Armchair Generals", "Werther's Original Imperialists", plain ol' "Racists", and my favourite, "Unfocused Rage".

[Ferris]

"Delusions of grandeur" and "self-appointed sages" always made me chuckle.

[Mobbd]

Oddly, "animal fannies" was the one category name I could remember (but I had completely forgotten the brilliant cloaca detail).

Werther's Original Imperialists is delicious. Love that.