Your barmy dreams

[kalowski]

I had a cracking dream last night. I was in a team trying to complete some sort of Krypton Factor type task. It was a relay of sorts and we were flying, well in front, until it came to the last team member, Frank Muir. He just kept telling stories to other contestants and in the end I lost it. I was screaming at him: "Muir, you fucking cunt, you have fucked it up for all of us. You utter fucking shit - we were winning and now we are last thanks to you. I am going to come up there and beat your fucking face in." ["Come up there" because he was halfway up a wall looking through a hatch like something off Rowan and Martin's Laugh In].
He just said something cool and detached like, "Well, that all got rather heated..." This got me even angrier and I was trying to scale the wall to kill him.
It's a good job he's dead otherwise I'd kill him.

[flotemysost]

Was he telling stories about a messy puppy, by any chance? I used to love those books!



Your dream sounds like the episode of Squid Game that never was.

[itsfredtitmus]

Had a dream I was IN a Stewart Lee standup, not watching, but IN it. Proper mental!

[bgmnts]

My last dream had me being told that my grandfathers death was actually the result of him knowing too much about the chip shop racket, and someone offed him to keep him quiet. Columbo got involved and it got fuzzy.

One way to process grief I suppose. I dont like my dreams now. They are too unnerving and surreal.

[JamesTC]

Dreamt last night that I had another older brother who was also a Terminator and he was trying to kill me.

[Dex Sawash]

Never recall dreams but had one last night, some fellow had overturned his truck and had lost an arm. Was running around squirting blood from the stump raving about where were his "wellers" I asked wtf a wellers was he said elephants. That was just too much so I woke up and read CaB. Then I looked to see if wellers was a word for elephants. It isn't.

[seepage]

Last night I was told I must eat three out of four plates of pork ribs but there would be dire consequences if I didn't guess the correct plate to not eat from. I've not seen Squid Game.

Followed by the usual one where I've got two amazing sexy partners but have to choose one and ditch the other.

[mothman]

Dreamt today that someone with the Twitter name @Spiffy's (I haven't looked this account up) real name was the same as somebody I'd been to school with (albeit now hyphenated, I guess he got married) and they'd written a book. I looked in the index to see what he'd said about school, and saw my name there as a sub-section of that. Page 66 - yet I kept losing the reference in the index and having to find it.

Eventually I opened the book to page 66 - but it was just a full-page picture of two other people from our year. Then I realised I was looking at the wrong page, and it was the page before I wanted; it had lots of text and I knew some of it was about me and it wouldn't be good (what a loser I was, all the stupid things I did).

But before I could read it, my wife woke me up because she wanted us to open our stockings.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Last night I dreamt I was a DS in the Bill and was going with June Ackland and some other coppers to help a woman whose husband was stuck under Brighton pier, I was saying "if we do this favour for Sussex police, they'll do us some favours". Then for some reason we were searching the woman's house and there were a load of microwaves on plastic shelves. We were saying that we would have to arrest her now. Then I was dealing with an informant who had information on a far right gang. I  remember George Garfield turned up later in the dream.

[Fisher Goes Berserk]

While making a follow-up documentary about a family with a troublesome son he had filmed fifteen years ago, Louis Theroux takes a DNA test and is revealed to be the biological father of the town's most famous sheep.

[canadagoose]

I dream about CaB and Twitter an alarming amount. I need to have more distractions.

This afternoon, though, I had a post-migraine dream that I had to read out stuff to be recorded onto a tape at my late aunty's house, but I had to identify the mystery that was in the story at the same time or I'd lose whatever it was. Then I had a false awakening and there were two crows (a big one and a baby one) flying about in the house. Bloody stupid dream. Better than endless spewing and feeling like my head's in a vice though.

[Indomitable Spirit]

Had a dream last night that I bought an air fryer and decided that the first meal I was gonna cook in it was gammon and chips.

I went to supermarket to buy the meat and there was a dead expensive gammon steak for summat mad like a tenner, but right at the bottom of the freezer there were loads of equally good ones for a quid so I bought those.

In the dream I was incredibly anxious about the fryer setting on fire and was angsting over whether to put the chips and the gammon in at the same time. I ended up doing just that, with the gammon steak balanced vertically on the fatty bit.

I went off and did some stuff that I can't quite remember, but when I came home it was actually Diego Maradona's mam and dad's house! They had a really chintzy living room like you'd see in 80s/90s - floral carpet, dado rails... the lot.

Diego's dad started having me on about the fryer ("what fryer?" "nah, it's didn't work I'm afraid), only to open it to reveal a perfectly cooked plate of gammon and chips. Not only that, when he opened the fryer it was really huge inside - like the size of a church hall and I got inside and ate my gammon and chips and it tasted AMAZING!

[Gurke and Hare]

I dreamed a couple of nights ago that I was in space, in a moonbase or planetary base, some kind of enclosed environment. I was fed up of it and I wanted to go home. It may or may not be coincidence that at this point I had been at my parents' house for nearly a week for christmas, and was a bit fed up of it and wanted to come home.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Had a dream a while back that Diane Morgan (aka Philomena Cunk) shopped me for breaking Covid regulations. I was in a supermarket in Edinburgh and I could see her pointing me out to a security guy. He came over and asked me what my postcode was and I couldn't think of an EH postcode quickly enough, so he knew that I had travelled there from another local authority area.

[kalowski]

Had a dream a while back that Diane Morgan (aka Philomena Cunk) shopped me for breaking Covid regulations. I was in a supermarket in Edinburgh and I could see her pointing me out to a security guy. He came over and asked me what my postcode was and I couldn't think of an EH postcode quickly enough, so he knew that I had travelled there from another local authority area.

Brilliant. What a corker.

[hamfist]

Last night I dreamed I went for a pint then needed a piss, urgently. I then did a long hot satisfying piss in my dream (luckily not in my bed, eh readers ?)

At the end of the piss, air started mixing with the piss, it was all spluttery until there was only air coming out. As it did, I felt my abdomen deflate beautifully and somehow I had lost a huge bloat of abdominal gas through the action of pissing, and I felt fucking champion.

[JesusAndYourBush]

An important meeting in an office of a TV station where the assembled people are told that they'd done a count of all the microphones the station owned and had discovered they had one extra, and they'd come to the conclusion that they'd been bugged and they'd have to find the extra microphone.  First before starting the arduous task of working out which mic was the bug it was decided it'd be a good idea to count them all again just to make sure they'd not miscounted the first time.

Cut to a room.  A mic on a stand stands in the corner of an otherwise empty room.  You know that it's *THE* mic.

Passage of time, indicated by a timelapse, getting darker then lighter to indicate night and into the following day, the occasional person whizzing in and out of the room etc.

Timelapse stops later in the day when there's something happening in the room.  A rather mediocre pub rock band is putting in a perfunctory performance, fronted by Josh Widdicombe (he's singing loudly and raucously into THE mic).

I woke up laughing because the buggers would have to listen to that!

Later in the day I realised the mic probably wasn't a bug at all but the sad git had brought it in himself just so he could sing with his terrible band.

[yesitsme]

I don't know if I've mentioned this on here but I once had a dream I was fostering an infant dalek - probably about 5 or 6 years old.

We were returning books to East Kilbride library but the woman behind the counter was blanking us - which is odd because they're normally very good in there.

The dalek was getting a bit agitated and asked if it could exterminate the librarian.

I told him (are all daleks male? Surprised the Woke Brigade haven't had a pop at Davros over that one eh eh EH?) that we didn't do that and that while the woman 'WAS very rude' we couldn't just go around evaporating people.

I told him to go and look at the books and grabbed the woman.

'What are you playing at?' I asked, 'This things on a short fuse, you're going to get us all killed'.

Just then Davros came in with two adult daleks (red ones) so I shouted to to Dalek Jnr 'Look, here's your dad'.

I went and told him he needed to get a grip of his son and tell him about how to behave in polite society - especially in a public library.

I acknowledged the daleks with a nod and they 'nodded' back with their head plunger things and then looked at their wheels uncomfortably - like they just wanted to get going.

I don't even watch the Dr Who Show but think this would be a good scene in the next one.

I don't know, it could be called The Very Hungry Dalekapillar or Dr Who and the Late Return Fine - which s/he could instantly get out of of course but when he coomes back ten minutes earlier he finds that the woman behind the counter has been replaced in this time line by a Cyberman who's got the right hump about kids running about the place playing hide and seek.

I do also think it'd be good to see some daleks stood about chatting when one of them says 'Can you smell dog shit?'

We then find that one of them has wheeled it on to their space ship and it's all over the carpet.

We then see a Dalek spinning around on it's axis trying to wipe it off while the others call it a 'dirty, smelly bastard'.

Of course they hover now don't they?

Davros is going to do his fruit when he finds out.

Everything sets him off - imagine how he'd be if HE wheeled through something that Dalek Jim had trailed on to his ship?

'kinell - it'd be carnage.

Most of my dreams are about being back at school taking exams or being in a play that I've not rehearsed for.

[Huxleys Babkins]

A few months back I dreamed that me and the missus had gone to an open day at the posh private school down the road, to try to enroll our rabbits. But the rabbits decided to scratch at and dig the carpets in one of the classrooms during the tour and the school tried to dissuade us from applying as "your girls might not be a good fit for the school".

Clearly I didn't take that lying down as the missus said I started shouting out, finishing with "so just because we weren't born into money, our money's no good?" or something to that effect.

[JamesTC]

are all daleks male? Surprised the Woke Brigade haven't had a pop at Davros over that one eh eh EH?

[seepage]

last night I was repeatedly trying to put a faulty kettle back in its box to return it, but there was an automated mechanism inside that kept unboxing the thing. I might have been thinking about a YT video where they make surprise glitter bomb/surveillance parcels to leave for people who nick stuff from their porch.

[yesitsme]

Do you ever have the 'tiger' dream?  I do and I know one other person who does too.

Long story short there's at least three tigers in the house and no one but me seems to be worried about this.

Turns out my dad's brought them home as Mrs Badeeka didn't want them any more.

I don't know what he thought we would do with these.

Eventually I manage to get everyone outside and slam the patio doors shut and am trying to keep Tony the Tiger inside when - fuck me, there's another one in the fucking garden!

Where are these bastard things coming from?

I also have that dream where everyone else is packed and ready to leave but I've not even started and there's clothes and towels and toiletries all over.

Everyone else leaves to go for a drink before the taxi picks us up but I'm struggling to fit everything in a suitcase.

IN the end i ditch everything and try to join them only to find that every time I run down the stairs/take the lift I'm back where I started.

I've done a lot of self-analysis over these and basically I've deduced I'm psychologically fucked.

[buttgammon]

Last night, I dreamt that a colleague called me over to an unfamiliar part of town to see him test out a new combination jetski/speedboat he'd bought (it genuinely wouldn't be out of character for him to buy something like this). On the way, I had to cross the river on a wobbly, metallic sort of bridge. The water level was unusually high. There was a sudden gust of wind which swept the water over part of the bridge, almost submerging the whole thing. I was later shown footage of this that had been recorded on CCTV and I kept walking oblivious to the danger directly behind me while everyone else ran in terror.

I was then about to go to work but had left an important item at home and had to get it immediately. I tried to flag down a taxi but couldn't get one, so I walked through the city for a while and ended up in a weird coffee shop that didn't serve coffee. They gave me something weird, I can't remember the details but it was possibly an empty cup. I eventually got a taxi but the driver got lost and we ended up on a flyover somewhere in West London. He admitted defeat with the directions and I had to get them up on my phone. It was obvious I was never going to get back in time and I woke up.

[seepage]

30 years of commuting has sent me a bit daft. Tube and overground lines and trains are interchangeable, and small stations have morphed into either fantasy dungeons or sprawling complexes with lots of shops and bars. I'm convinced I saw the Class 357 Electrostar in a dream 5 years before it was actually rolled out on my line. 

[canadagoose]

30 years of commuting has sent me a bit daft. Tube and overground lines and trains are interchangeable, and small stations have morphed into either fantasy dungeons or sprawling complexes with lots of shops and bars. I'm convinced I saw the Class 357 Electrostar in a dream 5 years before it was actually rolled out on my line. 

I get tram lines going to my home town, Lothian Buses going to Switzerland etc. a lot. Places where I've been seem to just merge into one another.

[buttgammon]

Places getting mixed up is a common theme in my dreams. I've often had ones where I open a room in my house that leads to somewhere entirely different and also ones with longer-distance travel. There was one recently where I rode a travelator in Ireland and within seconds, I was in New York.

[Gurke and Hare]

I once dreamed that the Hammersmith & City line was extended to Manchester.

[buttgammon]

Another one was that I was at some Australian tourist attraction - possibly Uluru? - took a wrong turn and ended up walking through a short tunnel that led to a liftshaft that contained North Korean border control. I've never even been to Australia.

[JamesTC]

Other barmy dreams off the top of my head:

• Every time somebody I know dies, I have a dream in which I see them and tell them they are dead but they tell me that the doctors were wrong.
• Recurring nightmare that a dead relative was trying to kill me. One of the very few really scary dreams I've had and really visceral.
• Had to go back to school along with everybody else who was in my year. Wondered to myself what would happen to my job.
• Recurring dream that I still have one more module to finish in university. Usually something to do with history despite me being an accounting graduate.

Do you ever have the 'tiger' dream?  I do and I know one other person who does too.

Long story short there's at least three tigers in the house and no one but me seems to be worried about this.

Closest I've had is a dream there was a big black bear in my old house.

I now realise I never dream about the current house, which I have lived in for three and a half years. I always dream about one of the many old homes.

[buttgammon]

The only big cat dream I remember is one I had about a panther earlier this year. I was visiting my grandmother (who died in 2013) and found there was a big panther in her dining room. We both tried to contain it but struggled. We got it shut in her living room but it got through the door, so realised I had to fight it, I kept trying to strangle it but whenever I exerted enough pressure, it scratched me and ran away. I somehow ended up fighting it in the basement of a department store, where I finally got a good grip of its neck. As it started choking it got smaller and smaller until it was a tiny little object. I threw it in a display toilet that was for sale and flushed it away.