Your barmy dreams

[Yussef Dent]

I get dreams where people know me, but I don't know why. Like, people come up to me in the street but it either goes one or two ways, they love something I have done, or hate it. Sometimes I wake up not really knowing why I'd got adulation or vitriol. It went a bit mad though in a dream I had just before Xmas.

I'm on the Graham Norton show. And I've got f*** all idea why. Not a clue. Tom Hiddleston and Tom Holland are on the sofa, no idea what they are going on about but one says summat funny and everyone laughs. Then Graham turns to me and talks about my new film (oh, I'm an actor, that's a start), but he doesn't seem his usual jovial self when he's addressing me personally. Apparently it's a wonderful, mindblowing performance, but there's huge controversy over the biggest sacrifice an actor has made in the pursuit of method acting.

Hiddleston looks at me and is like "what were you thinking? Why did you go that far, what was the need?" I haven't a f***ing clue what I've done, what film I have been in or what sacrifice I have made. I then notice on the screen next to Graham, is a face which ever since seeing and reading about it as a young'un for the first time, brings a chill up my spine. Its the face of Marshall Applewhite, the leader of the Heaven's Gate cult, who thought the Hale-Bopp comet had a ship trailing it which would take them from Earth (which was abut to be "recycled"). They all poisoned themselves in a mass suicide in which they were all wearing brand new Nike Decades trainers.

The thing was though, Applewhite wanted no sexual attraction in the cult, so everyone dressed and groomed in an asexual manner, and Applewhite along with some other members (no pun intended) were castrated.

It then dawned on me in the dream, that was the ultimate sacrifice. Then I woke up, and almost immediately checked if my tackle was still there.