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March 29, 2024, 10:40:04 AM

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Bond on a budget

Started by shiftwork2, December 25, 2021, 11:30:54 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

Quote from: thecuriousorange on January 16, 2022, 08:58:03 PMHarry Saltzman: "Sorry Cubby Broccoli, Fleming's estate won't let us adapt any more of his works, unless we pay... One million dollars."

Cubby Broccoli: "Find some books we can use instead."








LOCATION SCOUT: Cornwall council have refused permission to film at the Crag.

ALAN SMITHEE : Foiled again!

Glebe

BOND: Quick, where did that man go? He's a dangerous assassin!

PASSER-BY: He ran in there!

A small-scale chase/action sequence begins inside the local Arndale Centre.

non capisco

Q: Here's your new vehicle, Bond. Now pay attention. You put a coin in this slot here and it moves back and forth playing a little tune about a builder.

Bond: Thish ish a new low, Q.

Q: Also don't actually put any coins in it. I don't think the damn thing prints receipts. Probably best if you just sit tight in it and wait for Blofeld to do a big shop.

Glebe

Quote from: non capisco on January 17, 2022, 11:26:26 PMQ: Here's your new vehicle, Bond. Now pay attention. You put a coin in this slot here and it moves back and forth playing a little tune about a builder.

Bond: Thish ish a new low, Q.

Q: Also don't actually put any coins in it. I don't think the damn thing prints receipts. Probably best if you just sit tight in it and wait for Blofeld to do a big shop.

WOMAN OUT SHOPPING: Blofeld's getting away!

BOND (to small child): I need to borrow your car!

BOND pushes the small child out of the 'vehicle' and places the coins in the slot.

*bom-bom, bom-bom, bom-bom, bom-bom, bom-bom* Postman Pat, Postman Pat,  Postman Pat and his black and white cat... womp-pom...

Glebe

"Never mind Licence to Kill mate you'll need a licence to film here at Whitby Bay. So take yourself and your meagre film crew and sod off!"

Glebe

"Pay attention Bond!"

"Sorry Q, I'm just shocked at how cheap this set looks."

The Mollusk

"This is Cash 4 Gold, Mr. Bond. Past few weeks I've been in love with their service... their website user interface, their excellent rates. I welcome any enterprise that will keep my overdraft out of the red. Those monthly charges are a bastard."

Glebe

"I must say, you've got a nice little place here Scaramanga!"

"Haha, very amusing Mr. Bond, but in all seriousness I am a man of expensive tastes and my house is indeed home to some prize possessions, such as this tacky-looking leopard print couch covering, my crass little home bar and this framed portrait of myself painted by a local 'artist'".

Glebe

"I suppose you called me in to tell me about a dangerous assignment, M?"

"Nah mate just wondering do you have a lend of a quid to get a bag of Revels in Poundstretcher?"

Dr Rock

Warning Bond - when you storm Blofeld's secret base he has a thousand kung-fu experts as guards - you will have to be on top fighting form. Especially as they are completely invisible.

frajer

"Good morning sir. Where's Moneypenny? I need my morning horn."

"Cutbacks, Bond. On the way out I'll introduce you to her replacement Pursestrings."

"The broom with the wig on it?"

"Ah, you've already met."

Glebe

"Moneypenny, I hear you carry a torch for Bond!"

"Yes, M, quite literally, it's so he can read his lines as they can only afford to use the lighting rigs for a short amount of time each day."

Glebe

"Here's Blofeld's secret fortress, Bond."

"Think you have the wrong slide, M. That looks like a tent in Somerset."

Glebe

BOND GIRL: James... I have a secret to tell you... I'm not who you think I-

GROUNDSKEEPER: Oi! You can't film here!

Glebe

BOND: Do you expect me to talk?

PRODUCER: You're paid a pound per line so not really.

frajer

"The name's Bond.. James Blonde. Shit, haha, what am I on! Go again from my entrance?"

"I'm afraid not Dan. We've got exactly enough film for one take of everything, so that's making the edit."

"Fuck my life."

"And that."

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on January 21, 2022, 12:16:55 PM"The name's Bond.. James Blonde. Shit, haha, what am I on! Go again from my entrance?"

"I'm afraid not Dan. We've got exactly enough film for one take of everything, so that's making the edit."

"Fuck my life."

"And that."

EDITOR: I've done my best but it's unreleasable.

Captain Z

One of our secret agents has gathered covert evidence of the vehicles Blofeld has at his disposal. As you can see, he has a spitfire, a tank, an amphibious landing craft...


Glebe

It's always nice to see your home town in a big Hollywood movie, but even the people of Bournemouth do not want to watch an escapist action epic entirely centred in and around Bournemouth.

famethrowa

James Bond will return in... a few minutes, with a card that works, honest

Glebe

Good news, financing has been found for the next Bond! And it's all thanks to Loans the Clown!

frajer

"Hello there. I'm James Bond. I live quite the, heh, cavalier lifestyle. But I wouldn't feel comfortable doing so without knowing my home and contents insurance was taken care of. Fucking hell M, do I really have to do these?"

"Just twenty more and then we'll break for lunch Bond."

Glebe

"Have you tried an Allied Carpets carpet Blofeld? Come on down to our Bromwich showroom and choose the carpet of your dreams! 20% off all rugs this weekend - so hurry!"

non capisco

BLOFELD: Number six, you have failed me for the last time.

NUMBER SIX: No! No! I beg of you, Blofeld!

BLOFELD: Actually can you just go downstairs and jump in the shark infested pool? The bailiffs have taken my trapdoor and chute.

NUMBER SIX: Did they also take the sharks?

BLOFELD: Ah fuck, yeah they did. Look, just....I dunno...you can't come to the SPECTRE Christmas work do this year.

NUMBER SIX: Yeah, like that's still happening.

superthunderstingcar


Dr Rock

Now Bond, listen carefully. You'll need to get to Barbados, find Dr Kill, and retrieve the microchips, understood?

Daddy?

Shh, call me M.

Daddy M... who is James Bonn?

You are Harry! I mean James! Now pay attention!

Waaaaaaaahhh!

I'm sorry Harry, I mean James, pull yourself together. Oh come on, don't you want to be James Bond?

sniff. I want to do a poo.

Glebe

BLOFELD: Please, Mr. Bond, sit down!

BOND: Most courteous of you, Blofeld. Do you mind if I smoke?

BLOFELD: Of course not! Here, have one of mine!

BOND: Ah, Benson & Hedges!

BLOFELD: Indeed... enjoy that cool, crisp, flavour!

BLOFELD suddenly places a can of Newcastle Brown Ale on his desk.

BLOFELD: Thirsty, Mr. Bond?

THE NEW BOND - SPONSORED BY B&H, NEWCASTLE BROWN ALE, HAMMERITE, SHAKE N' VAC AND MANY MORE!

Glebe

"Normally I'd tell you to 'pay attention' Bond, but this time I'm asking you to literally pay for your own lunches, as the budget is fucked."

Mr Banlon

Exterior : Bond's bedsit

Glebe

Quote from: Mr Banlon on January 23, 2022, 06:44:33 AMExterior : Bond's bedsit

"Pay attention Bond, I've got a flamethrower for the front of your car. Well alright it's actually just one of those little torches they use in baking but beggars can't be choosers on our budget."