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March 29, 2024, 02:54:38 PM

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Families at WAR!

Started by monkfromhavana, April 11, 2022, 08:14:20 AM

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monkfromhavana

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a petulant toddler who wants his own way about everything, Kicks off when he gets called out on it, then sulks and refuses to engage even though he needs to (and would kick off if he wasn't included). He is also very para about the other people involved, but also wants to control them and have them like him.

The toddler is 55 years old BTW.

Tokyo van Ramming

Wash him against his will, let him know who's in charge.

madhair60

Cut off all contract permanently

Inspector Norse

Quote from: monkfromhavana on April 11, 2022, 08:14:20 AMDoes anyone have any advice on how to deal with a petulant toddler who wants his own way about everything, Kicks off when he gets called out on it, then sulks and refuses to engage even though he needs to (and would kick off if he wasn't included). He is also very para about the other people involved, but also wants to control them and have them like him.

The toddler is 55 years old BTW.

Hand him new £500k per week contract and continue to play him up front even though he's way past his best and you could really do with investing transfer funds in midfield and defence.

Catalogue of ills

Blow raspberries on his tummy until he laughs so much he shits himself, then you can all have a good laugh about it.

monkfromhavana

Quote from: madhair60 on April 11, 2022, 08:47:56 AMCut off all contract permanently

That will be happening, but can't happen for the best part of 6 months unfortunately.

Some flesh on the bones (this is largely me having a cathartic rant):

There are 3 of us brothers, I'm the youngest and have always been close to the next eldest brother, but both of us don't really like our eldest brother all that much. As a family we all have issues with anxiety etc, but the eldest can be quite difficult to be around. He's always trying to control things, is easy to that kind of sulky anger and as someone who doesn't like confrontation in any way, find this hard to deal with. I also feel that he's a bit paranoid about my the relationship that me and my other brother have, and I often things it's very "Us against him", when in reality, we just don't have much to do with him.

My next up brother still lives at home, and over the past decade has basically been a carer for my mum and dad, as well as working. He received very little help from me, and none from my eldest brother.

My mother died 4 years ago, and we all noticed a few things going missing from the house. A necklace my mum always wore, slides of family holidays, some old cameras that might be worth a bit etc. Eldest has just came in and taken them (whether he feels entitled to them, or he feels that we were going to steal them or something, I don't know.

On Thursday morning my dad died. None of us were especially close to him (or in truth, liked him that much) At the hospital we said we would meet later that day to find his documents in the house etc, but would like some sleep.

2 hours later my eldest brother turns up at the house, meaning I have to traipse over the city to be there. As I walk through the door, he's already on the phone to the funeral directors. He then spends the next 3 hours on the phone cancelling Which? subscriptions, Dog's trust subscription etc whilst me and other brother search the house for documents. We find them and all agree to leave everything for the day, go home, sleep, grieve, whatever.

I go home, next up brother goes for a walk. an hour later I get a phone call from next up brother. After we left, our eldest brother went back into the house, got dad's bank books details etc and set out to freeze dad's bank accounts. he had frozen one, then called my brother to ask if he wanted to come along to watch him freeze the other one.

I call him, and ask him why he is doing this today (after we agreed not to do anything) and he bellows "Our DAD died this morning!" He then follows this up by shouting down the phone at me that it's a legal requirement to do this AS SOON as someone dies, and that if anyone touches the bank accounts now, it's FRAUD (a very pointed remark). I said that I understood  that it's a requirement, but did it have to happen today? Who did he think was going to touch dad's money, and also, what will happen to dad's direct debits for electricity, water council tax etc etc. Maybe he owes money/is owed money, also as my brother still lives in the house, accounts will need to be changed over and that requires a death certificate. His response was "LEGAL REQUIREMENT". He also said that he HAD to phone the funeral directors so he's clearly winning over us.

Saturday, I set up a group chat so we can all be in the loop about things. I message about the wake, whether we want one or not (several relatives are quite ill), where it will be, and that I can call and check availability, get a quote etc. No response from him at all. My other brother texts about parent's ashes and ask for suggestions - no answer.

I'm now stressed out of my box at having to deal with him, and I just know that when I phone to check availability, I will find that he has already booked it without asking or informing us.

I understand it could be grief that's causing him to act like this, but I also know that this is how he has always reacted to pretty much any situation. I understand it might be anxiety etc, but that shouldn't trump mine or my other brother's grief or anxiety.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

PlanktonSideburns

Can you find it in yourself to let him organise everything, bear the slings and arrows of him moaning about having to do everything for himself, despite obviously wanting to do that, then cut him out of your life once it's all over? Don't know if it's the right thing to do, but it's probably what I would try and do

robhug

Do you reckon it sounds like he's trying to syphon assets or cash his way? A death in the family normally someone see's the pound signs lighting up, from my limited experience of this sort of thing.

Joe Qunt

Maybe you should cut the guy some slack; his dad just died after all.

Norton Canes

Quote from: monkfromhavana on April 11, 2022, 08:14:20 AMDoes anyone have any advice on how to deal with a petulant toddler who wants his own way about everything, Kicks off when he gets called out on it, then sulks and refuses to engage even though he needs to (and would kick off if he wasn't included). He is also very para about the other people involved, but also wants to control them and have them like him.

The toddler is 55 years old BTW

Was going to say, there's a dedicated thread for Boris Johnson

TrenterPercenter

Seems to me like you are right in that he is channelling his anxiety about the death into sorting this out.  It's also why he is being such an arse to you about it because his emotions are all wound up in this process and feelings involved - and the comment about fraud just an example of the knight of realm protectorate of your dad in death.

Professional advice.

Try and separate two things here, his past and all the hurt and reasons he might be like this (that is something for another day) and the present i.e. his behaviour in this moment.  No one listens or gives an inch when they are in a highly anxious state (literally closes down parts of your brain) seeing everything as a threat and need for action.  It's difficult but be patient and go with his energy a bit just to bring him back a bit so you got more of him to communicate with (think about tone, body language, facial expression - I know it sounds basic but trust me I've been doing this for 20+ years).  Times like these are incredibly stressful and can often lead to massive fallings out but if you can direct the energy into a positive manner you can actually turns this moments into break throughs (and I mean here as in him realising his past behaviour has been shit).  It's just all about finding the right time and way to communicate .  Always important to consider how you are feeling as well, if you need sleep get some sleep and comeback, compromise say that you are really tired but want to help what would he like you to do that would help before you get some rest.

Anyway, sorry for your loss MFH and the stress, these things are never easy.  Wishing you the best.

holyzombiejesus

What do you want the outcome to be? Him to back off or just not be so overbearing? I would probably speak to middle brother and then write/ email to eldest. Make it from yourself, not the pair of you. It sounds that he's quite annoying but doing things which, if you took a step back, probably wouldn't be so irritating.

My mum's mum killed herself and the fall-out from that was awful with my mum no longer seaking to any of her siblings or relatives, so maybe tread carefully. Big bro does sound like an arse though.

Catalogue of ills

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on April 11, 2022, 09:35:09 AMCan you find it in yourself to let him organise everything, bear the slings and arrows of him moaning about having to do everything for himself, despite obviously wanting to do that, then cut him out of your life once it's all over? Don't know if it's the right thing to do, but it's probably what I would try and do

This is what I would do as well.

monkfromhavana

Thanks for all the advice, it's really appreciated.

Regarding the end of all this, I'm not massively arsed if I see him again. We've never been a close family and there could be years go by without either of us contacting each other beyond birthday/Xmas cards or running into each other in Tesco.

After the initial sinking feeling of "shit, this is going to be difficult" when he started unilaterally deciding and doing things, I did send a conciliatory message to him (just from me), basically saying that we all need to stick together etc etc.

Quote from: robhug on April 11, 2022, 09:47:01 AMDo you reckon it sounds like he's trying to syphon assets or cash his way? A death in the family normally someone see's the pound signs lighting up, from my limited experience of this sort of thing.

I don't think this. I think it's either he thinks we'd nick some money (which I hope he would know would never be the case), but I think it's more that, as my other brother still lives there, he should now take over the bills. My other brother agrees with this 100%, but it's more the timing of it.

Jockice

Every family is a fucking nightmare. Including mine. And I'm someone who is still on speaking terms with all of them.

Catalogue of ills

It sounds like he's maybe trying to DO THE RIGHT THING, but in the manner of an overly intense martial arts enthusiast.

Buelligan

If your father left a will it will stipulate who his executor is.  This is the person who should be closing subscriptions and accounts.  Just get it handed to whoever that is and take a step back.

This kind of stuff happened a lot when my lovely mum died.  FWIW, I think the best thing to do is walk away.  Try not to dwell on the rights and wrongs.  Especially if there's little or nothing you can do about them.  It will poison you.

I gave my share of my mother's house to my brother.  I knew that's what she would've wanted.  I walked away poor but clean.  I'm really really sorry for your pain.

shiftwork2

Perhaps there is an element of 'eldest' coming out in that he needs to lead (or do) the serious stuff.  The practicalities of death and probate can be seen as the last thing you do for a person.  But if that's the case then it's better shared as all three of you seem willing.

My brother was about as useful as a chocolate chip pan.

All the best to you monkfromhavana.  An utterly wretched time.

Proactive

Quote from: Buelligan on April 11, 2022, 11:05:30 AMIf your father left a will it will stipulate who his executor is.  This is the person who should be closing subscriptions and accounts.  Just get it handed to whoever that is and take a step back.


Yes, my mate went through all of this a couple years ago and the first thing I thought of here was who the executor is, because it may well turn out that your brother taking stuff from the house, closing accounts etc is not doing so lawfully. Good luck with it all, and hopefully once it's all over you can just wash your hands of him.

gilbertharding

#19
Quote from: Buelligan on April 11, 2022, 11:05:30 AMIf your father left a will it will stipulate who his executor is.  This is the person who should be closing subscriptions and accounts. 

Up to a point, Lord Copper.

When my brother and sister and I became orphaned (it happened over the course of a year), although my parents had appointed their solicitor was the executor, it was us who went to the banks, funeral directors, broadband providers, Radio Times subscription department etc and told them - although, of course, we didn't 'close' any bank accounts -  we referred them to the executor.

I am probably misremembering this, but I think we needed to present Death Certificates for a lot of these things - and registering the death was definitely 'Job #1'

Neomod

Definitely worth checking if an executor was appointed in the will. Part of their responsibility is keeping the estate accounts.

We've just been through this and I ended up doing a lot of the work because my sister (executor) wasn't up to it mentally.

It can be draining.

Replies From View

Everyone's going "yep, it's called an executor" like they knew it all along and it's not at all similar to executioner.

You never heard of this before so stop pretending, please.  Just because your parents have already died doesn't mean you automatically know grown-up things.

Alberon

Quote from: Replies From View on April 11, 2022, 02:53:37 PMEveryone's going "yep, it's called an executor" like they knew it all along and it's not at all similar to executioner.

All I know is you need one after a death and one before.

gilbertharding


Ferris

Quote from: Replies From View on April 11, 2022, 02:53:37 PMEveryone's going "yep, it's called an executor" like they knew it all along and it's not at all similar to executioner.

You never heard of this before so stop pretending, please.  Just because your parents have already died doesn't mean you automatically know grown-up things.

Because I'm good at economy a friend of mine asked me to be his executor a few years ago. I agreed (he has young kids, don't want to leave the kiddies in the streets if the worst happens, no worries).

Then I looked into what it would actually entail and it looked like a shitload of work so I casually suggested his brother would be better placed, lives closer to the family than us, maybe he'd be better at the admin and that sort of thing you know.

Dodged a bullet, but it's the only reason I know what any of this means.

Catalogue of ills

Quote from: Replies From View on April 11, 2022, 02:53:37 PMEveryone's going "yep, it's called an executor" like they knew it all along and it's not at all similar to executioner.

You never heard of this before so stop pretending, please.  Just because your parents have already died doesn't mean you automatically know grown-up things.

Are you doing a 'bit'? Everyone knows what an executor is.

shiftwork2

Quote from: Replies From View on April 11, 2022, 02:53:37 PMJust because your parents have already died doesn't mean you automatically know grown-up things.
Excuse me Sir, these people have done house clearances and found things like a stand-alone clothes spinner from the 1970s that you would put a washing bowl underneath shoved in the loft.  They have emptied out cupboards containing spices whose 'best before' was 15 years before.  They have been round the British Heart Foundation and discovered that their parent's obsession with cutting off visible labels has left the chintzy furniture worthless and apparently prone to bursting into flames.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: shiftwork2 on April 11, 2022, 03:39:59 PMExcuse me Sir, these people have done house clearances and found things like a stand-alone clothes spinner from the 1970s that you would put a washing bowl underneath shoved in the loft.  They have emptied out cupboards containing spices whose 'best before' was 15 years before.  They have been round the British Heart Foundation and discovered that their parent's obsession with cutting off visible labels has left the chintzy furniture worthless and apparently prone to bursting into flames.

[tag]new blade runner sequel "needs work"[/tag]

shiftwork2

Oddly appropriate, tears in the rain...

Replies From View

Quote from: Alberon on April 11, 2022, 03:29:48 PMAll I know is you need one after a death and one before.

In that order, yeah?