"dark thoughts"

[Cerys]

Thankyou, GAFS, for trusting us enough to tell us you've been having these kinds of thoughts.  Not much else I can say beyond what's already been said; just know that you have our support as and when you need it.  Also Huge Welsh Hugs in abundance if you're into kind of thing.  Which, let's face it, everybody should be; phlegm notwithstanding.

[Jerrykeshton]

Been there.  Looking at every telegraph pole as I got closer to the workplace where I was ignored, patronised and undermined and deciding which one to just hoy the car into.

I guess I'm an egotist. I wasn't planning on killing myself.

Just considered it would make my life easier as a quiet psycho in a hospital.

[Pink Gregory]

I guess I'm an egotist. I wasn't planning on killing myself.

Just considered it would make my life easier as a quiet psycho in a hospital.

I think it's half that, half just a Peter's Mad Thought you get while driving.  Like just twitching the wheel and fucking it over a cliff edge wheeeeeeeeeee

[oustropique]

Feeling like this at the moment. Sorry to hear about others. I tend not to post on here that often, because I often just don't have anything to say, but some of my favourite posters have appeared in this thread.

I'm not going to do anything stupid, and my trauma pales in comparison to actual things people who can claim to be traumatised are going through. I'm just broken and no good and a total wrecking ball. Doing what I can in terms of seeking support and all the things I can do for myself, but - agh.

a succession of traumatic events

Yep.

more i wish i were dead thoughts really

Yep.

been thinking a lot on how covid has affected my psyche in a way i hadn't had much chance to before. i feel somehow less creative, but overwhelmingly driven to an extroverted lifestyle to a destructive degree

Yep.

My Peter's Mad Thought is to run away or to emigrate. Not really sure where to start with either.

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

love to everyone here and thank you for PMs and generally being the best bag of lads about.

i've been thinking very often lately on vulnerability and how important it is to share that with the right people, but also how delicate of a state it is. i really do crave the space and people to really lay myself and my thoughts bare, but the difficulty comes in when you need to consider others' needs and boundaries. i wish it were so easy to be sincere and earnest as much as possible. i have so much time for other people in that way and i wish it was more normalised.

a sense of community is something i highly crave and I've been trying to immerse myself in an idea of queer community where the relationship to vulnerability tends to be more tender and caring. i love my non queers (i am not prejudiced!!!) and they make up the backbone of my life really, but i find a real resistance to sincerity, a blanket of irony and competitive style conversations, endless banter, a nervous trench warfare that doesn't give me that sense of 'real' that i crave. a BIG problem with trying to engage in my particular community is that one person did a very BadThing to me and now i feel isolated from that (and even more so from my own body) and it's so bleak and caused me to have a mental breakdown, knocking me off work for three weeks. am now back and trying to get through each day without leaving a trail of sobbing is exhausting. be nice to just have a crying room you know, but you've seen what weepy mascara face is like. I'm basically chris crocker on the desk now ya know



i feel a little embarrassed admitting all of this, but a little relieved to share, so sorry and thanks. horrible ideation thoughts are probably never going to go away and maybe they're just normal for a lot of people. perhaps there's a security in that kind of existentialism and absurdism. what would camus do eh. WHAT WOULD SCHOPENHAUER SAY

[flotemysost]

Excellent post Goblin, and as others have said I'm really glad you feel able to articulate that vulnerability on here. Sometimes even just typing out your thoughts and seeing them there in the open can be somewhat therapeutic - it can be comforting seeing them sitting as a tangible entity, rather than this abstract uncontrollable whirl going round and round in your head. And as this thread demonstrates, you're definitely not alone in having these feelings, and sometimes knowing that other people have been there can make them seem a little bit less frightening and overwhelming, even if it doesn't make them go away.

i love my non queers (i am not prejudiced!!!) and they make up the backbone of my life really, but i find a real resistance to sincerity, a blanket of irony and competitive style conversations, endless banter, a nervous trench warfare that doesn't give me that sense of 'real' that i crave.

Yeah, I hear ya. I'm pretty lucky with my own close friendship groups (which are mixed but skew fairly queer) in that we're generally good at being open and supportive about mental health shit, but what you describe above is a massive problem and it's sad that so many people feel they can't talk about what they're going through for fear of being ridiculed.

Sometimes I overhear conversations in the pub (usually between blokes) and I find it really fascinating but also sad how obviously "surface" it is, and almost defensive - not in an aggressive way, but like they're constantly trying to prove something - not saying everyone wants to be having tearful heart-to-hearts every time you go out for a casual pint or anything, but it's just interesting how blatantly that resistance to sincerity, as you say, comes through. Was talking to a (straight, male) Aussie mate of mine recently who said that's literally the reason the moved to the UK, because at home men just don't talk about their feelings, at all, though often it's not much better here.

With women (or at least a certain type of middle-class straight women) I find often that insincerity and competitiveness comes through via this sense of, like... heteronormative one-upmanship, if that makes any sense at all. Honestly, the question "So what's new with you?" from casual acquaintances makes my heart sink because I know it's only ever geared towards stuff that's to do with moving forward in life in a very traditional sense - meeting a partner, getting engaged, getting a promotion, buying property, all that shite, none of which is on my radar right now and they probably couldn't give a fuck about, say, the fact I've met a new friend or learnt a new skill or been to see something cool recently. Anyway, MASSIVE tangent there so apologies, but I do find it really interesting (and depressing).

I'm also conscious of the idea of treating someone who's going through it with MH stuff as a "special case", if that makes sense (been talking/thinking a lot recently about how this is handled in the workplace), when in reality we're all susceptible to experiencing dips in our emotional wellbeing, and taking care of it should absolutely be normalised.

Really sorry to hear you've had a bad situation within your friendship group, that sounds really tough. Definitely don't be embarrassed at all, and please carry on talking here if it helps (and same to the rest of youse).

[Jerrykeshton]

I'm actually in quite an odd place myself at the moment.  My father in law died on Wednesday evening, and the last few days have been a complete blur, partly made worse by lack of sleep of an early Thursday morning flight to his home in Athens.

But now its over, I feel quite peaceful and the change of scene has kicked my brain out of apathy into problem solving life living mode.

It was a sudden death but not unexpected due to his cancer. It's strange to say it about a funeral, but it feels like the worry about how things will work out is lifted.  It's still a little odd, but things like my mother in law being able to leave her husband's side to visit her other pregnant daughter who also lives abroad is now cleared up.

We miss him terribly, but it's not the end of the love he created

[non capisco]

Much love to any of you absolute dazzlers going through rough times. I can honestly say you lot have helped me more than you'll know in the last few years.

[madhair60]

.

[idunnosomename]

Nobody PM me or I'll send you a photo of my scrotum.

PM'd

[imitationleather]

Hmm... How strange. My PM alert system must be broken.

<checks PMs>

Oh. No, it is fully operational.

[non capisco]

Lee and Herring deep cut, niiice.

[shiftwork2]

However dark things may seem at the moment, at least you haven't had a PM from Ferris.

[imitationleather]

Lee and Herring deep cut, niiice.

RRR

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

However dark things may seem at the moment, at least you haven't had a PM from Ferris.

speak for yourself

[Ferris]

That wanker would PM on the flimsiest excuse going.

Edit: shit wrong sock account

[checkoutgirl]

Dark thoughts are nature's way of reminding you life is fucked

Suicidal ideation seems like the most natural psychological response to the obligation to get out of bed at 7.30am in the morning on 5 days out of every 7 for peanuts. If that didn't make you occasionally suicidal or miserable you'd be even crazier.

[imitationleather]

I know rich people get depressed too, but oooh... If I didn't have to worry so much about money I reckon I'd feel a lot better.

Who invented money? Some cunt, no doubt.

[WesterlyWinds]

I found £1.57 under a cupboard yesterday, do you want that?

[Zero Gravitas]

I found £1.57 under a cupboard yesterday, do you want that?

Reminds me of that study where people were set up to find change in a vending machine and their subjective assessment of their own happiness increased.

Perhaps you could hide pound coins around the house and then get black-out drunk?

Or whatever sequencing works for you.

[shoulders]

I know rich people get depressed too, but oooh... If I didn't have to worry so much about money I reckon I'd feel a lot better.

Who invented money? Some cunt, no doubt.

Well, there's the absence of worry about hardship which an unconditional 'you are alive' payment would provide everyone. That would provide the biggest single uplift in mental health humanity has received. Already worth doing on that basis alone.

Then there's 'I spent all my energy being a total cunt, have surrounded myself with like-minded people and all this stuff I amassed and I'm still an unfulfilled vapid husk'.

[imitationleather]

This is grim, but humorous:

Last night I was enjoying a Pepparami Firestick in the living room at about 2am and my ex (we still live together, still friends etc.) came in to check on me because she thought the rustling of the packet was me taking an overdose.

So it's fair to say my "dark thoughts" are coming across in the general way I carry myself at the mo.

When I explained I was enjoying a meaty treat, not necking OxyContin or whatever in order to end my life, she was like, "That shit is probably worse for you, anyway!" She's a funny woman.

[imitationleather]

No replies. No PMs.

Don't worry about it.

[bgmnts]

Can't expect meaty treats AND heartfelt PMs.

[Ferris]

Genuinely was a bit worried and drafted a PM, then thought "well no one wants your fucking input you twat" and deleted it.

Imagine feeling quasi-existential, then getting a PM from me? Might push you over the edge.

[Cerys]

Sometimes going over the edge is the only way to find out that you had a parachute all along.

[imitationleather]

Genuinely was a bit worried and drafted a PM, then thought "well no one wants your fucking input you twat" and deleted it.

Imagine feeling quasi-existential, then getting a PM from me? Might push you over the edge.

Cheered me right up, that has.

[jamiefairlie]

Sometimes going over the edge is the only way to find out that you had a parachute all along.

Can't help feeling there has to be a safer method

[Kankurette]

Does this thread involve intrusive thoughts? I'm struggling with them now and I'm reluctant to say what they're about because a lot of you will be angry with me.

(It's not racism or paedophilia.)

[Fambo Number Mive]

I struggle with intrusive thoughts on a daily basis, they've been really bad these past few months. When I'm at home I try to distract myself with Youtube (especially animal videos) or by singing silly songs (I know it sounds odd but it does take me out of the thoughts for a bit).

I get them a lot when near people, although when I'm on my own at home for a while my anxiety can often spiral as well.

Sorry to hear you are struggling with your intrusive thoughts Kankurette. Would people on here really be angry with you though? I've often posted about my anxious thoughts and people have been really kind and supportive. And I find with my intrusive thoughts that they are good at latching on to different things.

It feels like there are always two beings with me, one constantly telling me things I should be worried about and that bad things will happen because of my actions, and one telling me how stupid I am for the mistakes I made in the past and reminding me of bad things that happened in the past.