Allotment

[shiftwork2]

Do you grow?

I have the offer of an allotment fairly close by.  I don't garden however I like the idea of going and sitting in it.  I may be tempted to learn how to garden if I could end up with something I could eat.  Weeding and the like is about as appealing to me as vacuuming which I don't do either.

Do you have an allotment (or garden of course) and do you grow actual food on it?  Which herbs?  Which vegetables?  I want to talk knowledgeably about planting my winter veg.

Over to you Arthur Fowler.

[Pink Gregory]

put potato

more potato come out

potato to eat

[Dex Sawash]

Deer are already at our tomato plants.

[bgmnts]

A few allotments near me and quite a few people do just that, sit down with a can on their little patch of land and chill out for a bit, whilst trying to grow some tomatoes or something. Looks quite pleasant.

[DrGreggles]

All about them toms.

[shiftwork2]

The tarpaulin around your allotment.  Is it to help bury the bodies?

[Jittlebags]

Had one for about 20 years. Put some space aside for raspberry canes, strawberries and maybe a current or two. They'll look after themselves for a few years. Potatoes piece of piss. Ditto peas, broad beans, runners, dwarf beans and onions from sets. Corriander does suprinsingly well on our alltoment. Worth getting a small greenhouse/polytunnel for saldy stuff through the summer - toms, lettuce, basil, cucumbers.

Winter veg, you're talking turnips, swedes & parsnips. Try and remove stones if growing parsnips (and carrots). The other big winter thing are brassicas. These are generally quite tricky and pest prone, so I wouldn't be bothering. You can overwinter leeks, though you need to keep an eye out and harvest any that show any signs of bolting.

You're still early enough for carrots, beetroot, radish, lettuce.

Time wise. Once you've got your plot cleared, you're looking at maybe 3 hours a week from March to September for maintenance.

We've got a shed, and when our son was younger, we used to have a barbecue a few times a week. You could grab a big pile of marjoram or rosemary, put it on the grill and cook the meat on top of that. A great little book when starting out is https://www.amazon.co.uk/Vegetable-Expert-books/dp/0903505207/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+vegetable+expert+dr+dg+hessayon&qid=1685188057&sprefix=hessayon+vege%2Caps%2C133&sr=8-1

[shoulders]

You can overwinter leeks

Might keep this up my sleeve as an alternative for 'do one'.

[Vodkafone]

There will be weeding I'm afraid. When you take on an allotment you sign a tenancy agreement with the council or private association which will set out the expectations, this will usually say that you can't let it get overgrown. When we had one, The Man From The Council would come round and inspect them, and one time we had a warning letter telling us to sort ours out which was a bit rich given the state it was in when we took it over (literally had to hack our way to the shed, like Stanley but without the unnecessary loss of African lives).

If it's already well maintained that would be a good start. You can cover it with carpet or cardboard or whatnot for some of the year to help keep the weeds down but once you've dug the soil to plant stuff there will be weeds. You will get to make jokes about 'hoes' though, so swings and roundabouts.

[WhoMe]

Got a small raised bed in the garden that started as a veg patch. Combination of fresh soil and sun all day meant courgettes that grew to the size of Hulks forearm, massive things, we gave most of them to neighbors and people who came round. Tomatoes also went mad but were too dense and got blight right as they were almost ready to pick, fucking annoying. Switched it to a flower bed now, just a few chilli plants in pots instead.
Good fun though, just if you grow tomatoes prune some of the weaker stems away to make sure light can get in among it.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Can't be arsed. Go on the waiting list for ages, wait for ages after planting, spend money and time worrying and dealing with problems from weeds pests and weather, and what's your reward? Some carrots. Fuck that

[DrGreggles]

The tarpaulin around your allotment.  Is it to help bury the bodies?

Speak to my lawyer.

[flotemysost]

I used to live in a place where you could get onto the flat concrete roof of the building below and one of my flatmates went pretty nuts with the gro-bags out there, fostering monstrous aubergines and cascades of glossy tomatoes and the like. I think the combo of it being a sun trap, plus being a couple of storeys up with no grass/turf anywhere (and so less prone to sluggy visitors) made it a surprisingly bountiful haven for home-grown veg. Alittlement, you could say.

I should add that I did absolutely fuck all towards this endeavour so I can't claim any of the glory. There is something about seeing frazzled urban allotments, window boxes and chaotically overcrowded garden plots in the stifling heat of summer that gets me feeling a weirdly affectionate nostalgia though, I've got very little interest/patience in gardening proper, but seeing little unexpected hints of people's attempts to cram greenery into concrete jungles is really nice.

[Emma Raducanu]

I walk along a path through allotments and there's one that always blows my mind every time I see it.

It is immaculately maintained, organised with military precision, clean, tidy, manicured and decorated beautifully with alliums, wallflowers, tulips etc.

It never fails to stop me in my tracks and I've never once seen anyone tending to it!

[WhoMe]

military precision...
It never fails to stop me in my tracks and I've never once seen anyone tending to it!

Perhaps they just wear their old jungle camo

[madhair60]

my dad used to have an allotment and he is a fucking cunt so, might wanna give it a miss

[thenoise]

I took on an allotment in March. I've worked my arse off with it and it's a fucking disgrace, only managed to dig up and plant like a third of it, sad looking fruit trees ready for the birds to ransack and some spindly looking kale. A raised bed of herbs is my only success, and a fine row of radishes. I reckon with some sensible adjustments in a few years time I could be totally self sufficient when it comes to radishes and gooseberries.

(It was in a bit of a state when I inherited it, to be fair, and I don't have all that much free time. And I am an unfit sack of shite, can only manage a couple hours work before I have to slink off home and watch some telly instead).

[TrenterPercenter]

Did the lottie scene a few years back - it is serious graft.  You will develop a deep resentment to the bits of nature that are trying to fuck your plot be it other plant or the cunting multitude of insects that be nibblin on your crop.

Also be prepared for some 'lotment chat and pleasantries from the olds.

[Des Wigwam]

Did the lottie scene a few years back - it is serious graft.  You will develop a deep resentment to the bits of nature that are trying to fuck your plot be it other plant or the cunting multitude of insects that be nibblin on your crop.

Also be prepared for some 'lotment chat and pleasantries from the olds.

Agree with the first part as it's identical to my experience.

For the second I would amend it to "expect to be patronised by old fuckers who have more time than they know what to do with". Also - if you love committees and seething resentment you are going to love allotment life.

Unless it's within walking distance and you're happy with a slow burn and low expectations project I would honestly say avoid.

[Sherringford Hovis]

Digging is for suckers - my Chillington Crocodile is the secret of my gardening prowess.


https://www.quickcrop.co.uk/product/chillington-heavy-duty-hoe

If you order one online, make sure that it comes with a handle. The eucalyptus originals are far superior to the hickory you might find locally.

[Vodkafone]

Digging is for suckers - my Chillington Crocodile is the secret of my gardening prowess.


https://www.quickcrop.co.uk/product/chillington-heavy-duty-hoe

If you order one online, make sure that it comes with a handle. The eucalyptus originals are far superior to the hickory you might find locally.

"Heavy duty hoe", good god. What did I tell ya?

[shoulders]

Yeah i had an allotment too, definitely

Down on the smallholdings we used to maim, occasionally kill people who were dishonest about having an allotment, so do be clean.

[Glebe]

Couple of allotments near me. My brother and his mate rented one but they didn't do anything with it.

[Ferris]

Alittlement, you could say.

Lovely stuff.

This is year three of us having a back yard and we've gone mad with veg again. Tomatoes are good, beans are plentiful but shit, herbs are indestructible as long as you keep them in a little separate bit.

[Glebe]

Alittlement, you could say.

[falafel]

Never, ever, ever grow courgettes.

[touchingcloth]

put potato

more potato come out

potato to eat

Floury King Edwards
Peeled, chopped, fried; my bursting tum
Purple majesty

[touchingcloth]

Never, ever, ever grow courgettes.

Never serve a summer squash for dessert, you.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Just put a shed there and wank in it. Bollocks to the vegetables.

[Glebe]

Never, ever, ever grow courgettes.

My sister grows courgettes quite successfully.