Brilliant Old CaB Posts From The Long Distant Past And Let's Find Them Eh?

[mechanical blood goat]

My nominations are all gonna be quite recent given my limited tenure here, but I've always rated this from DukeDeMondo:

That's brilliant. I would happily read a whole book of that sort of thing.

[Milo]

The doomy shit tale does highlight how remarkable the human body is. To actually jet out shit like that requires a huge amount of neural coordination, peristaltic pumps are really designed for gradual movement so it's amazing that the gut can also perform such feats.

Really brings into focus the miracle of our Lord God the almighty.

[Pink Gregory]

A recent-ish one, and I can't remember what thread it was, but someone was saying that they enjoy a comedy trope where a word is deliberately mis-spelled or has a letter left out, and @madhair60 replied saying "I agee", which I find really stupidly funny.

I am almost certain this was me!  Pleased to have midwifed someone else's 'bit'

[Ferris]

In on of the desolation threads someone once posted something along the lines of "being frogmarched across a moor at gunpoint by a farmer because you laughed at his figurines made of lint in a dream he had" and I've been looking for it on and off for ages now.

I'm sure lint was involved but I've searched for lint and nothing comes up.

There was a similar thread called something like A Black Sense Of Dread Overwhelms Me, short lived and very similar concept to your standard deso threads, but more hauntological and macabre.

I want to say it was started by @BlodwynPig but don't quote me on that. Tried to find it a while back and it seems never to have existed. Perhaps I dreamt it, in which case christ I need to improve my dreams a bit.

[madhair60]

To be fair, he probably took the money to fund his more independent, creative work: directing piles of shit.

Writing "Fuck off you compost" in your three year old's birthday card.

Shit everywhere, roll around in it, fuck it and fuck off.

miss u bb

[non capisco]

And a shoutout for @non capisco 's "mmm... log" anecdote which renders me totally incapable of keeping a straight face when it comes to mind.

Ha ha, cheers, one of the more "like being in a school assembly" moments I've experienced as an adult. Back at ya for your post-vaccine description "while hot chimp jizz pulsed through my system" and that talking children's book that went wrong and started making terrifying mooing noises in the night.

Some of my favourite writing on here was when Gregory Torso got hammered and decided to send his soul downriver by watching a video of The Tweets performing The Birdie Song on Top Of The Pops over and over again, documenting the descent in typically flabbergasting prose that I couldn't hope to approach sober.

[BlodwynPig]

There was a similar thread called something like A Black Sense Of Dread Overwhelms Me, short lived and very similar concept to your standard deso threads, but more hauntological and macabre.

I want to say it was started by @BlodwynPig but don't quote me on that. Tried to find it a while back and it seems never to have existed. Perhaps I dreamt it, in which case christ I need to improve my dreams a bit.

Not me guvnor, but interested if you fund it (sic)

[flotemysost]

Ha ha, cheers, one of the more "like being in a school assembly" moments I've experienced as an adult. Back at ya for your post-vaccine description "while hot chimp jizz pulsed through my system" and that talking children's book that went wrong and started making terrifying mooing noises in the night.

Haha, thank you!

I was thinking about tags earlier; as far as I can see they're not preserved anywhere, but I remember some belters from back in the day. Cerys' Auntie in a coma thread (which was a bit before I actually signed up, but I remember reading as a flighty lurker) had some great ones (TW: some of thread content is pretty upsetting, in case anyone hasn't seen it before).

Trying to remember some other classic tags of yore, if anyone recalls any have at it

[non capisco]

My favourite tag was on a thread about Al Pacino thinking about buying a UK football team which someone tagged with "HOO-HAH YA? HOO-HAH YA?"

[studpuppet]

Haha, thank you!

I was thinking about tags earlier; as far as I can see they're not preserved anywhere, but I remember some belters from back in the day. Cerys' Auntie in a coma thread (which was a bit before I actually signed up, but I remember reading as a flighty lurker) had some great ones (TW: some of thread content is pretty upsetting, in case anyone hasn't seen it before).

So good in fact, that I actually saved a screenshot to send it to my mates:

[Mr_Simnock]

Tags, so many were so good, shame I don't think they will ever return, they are what made the site for me when I first joined

[Barry Admin]

Haha, thank you!

I was thinking about tags earlier; as far as I can see they're not preserved anywhere, but I remember some belters from back in the day. Cerys' Auntie in a coma thread (which was a bit before I actually signed up, but I remember reading as a flighty lurker) had some great ones (TW: some of thread content is pretty upsetting, in case anyone hasn't seen it before).

Well these posts inspired me to check again re: tags.

I asked again about it in January 2023, to show interest in an updated version.

And it looks like there was actually some movement in June 😮

Absolutely no promises though. The tagging system was heavily edited by me at the time, and I have no idea how to do that shit now. I barely knew then. But if I get some help... maybe. Let me see what I can do here.

[Cuellar]

A tag that sticks in my mind is

"Lynn assist Alan by lowering onto his erect prick aha"

[flotemysost]

So good in fact, that I actually saved a screenshot to send it to my mates:

Ahh amazing, thanks!

Well these posts inspired me to check again re: tags.

I asked again about it in January 2023, to show interest in an updated version.

And it looks like there was actually some movement in June 😮

Absolutely no promises though. The tagging system was heavily edited by me at the time, and I have no idea how to do that shit now. I barely knew then. But if I get some help... maybe. Let me see what I can do here.

oooooh (again, thank you!!)

[holyzombiejesus]

I did about 60% of those Auntie/ Smiths tags. I think they're probably my greatest contribution to C&B humankind.

[Kankurette]

One of my favourite tags was 'Fatty acid about trans' on a thread about Julie Burchill. First CaB thread I posted on.

I always wondered if there was any response to the episode of Inside Number 9 when the cocked a snook and CaB.

I wasn't born then so missed the potential response.

Loads. 'Hi Reece' gets posted a fair bit in Inside Number 9 threads.

[Fishfinger]

In on of the desolation threads someone once posted something along the lines of "being frogmarched across a moor at gunpoint by a farmer because you laughed at his figurines made of lint in a dream he had" and I've been looking for it on and off for ages now.

I'm sure lint was involved but I've searched for lint and nothing comes up.

Less pithy than your example, but I'm pretty sure it's this:

A broth made from the boiled contents of David Mellor's tumble dryer's fluff filter will be the only refreshment available after a 20 mile forced march across the Brecon Beacons - part of the simulated SAS selection course a deranged farmer's son is forcing you at gunpoint to undergo as punishment for laughing at his mismatched boot laces in a dream he had.

[The Mollusk]

Twit 2's post about the real meaning of the theme song from Frasier is one of the funniest things I've ever read, perfectly aligned with my own horrific sense of humour. I hope I never forget it.

Thought it was about the marathon rimjobs he gives the old bloke and the diarrhoea he gargles out of that little dog's arse and all the strangers in stairwells he's got pegged (a sex term for pegging someone in the arse) and the cum icicles he melts on his coke-shrivelled nipples and the blues he gets from his jaws rotting in the dark. I thought it was a song about his flaccid armpits and the smell that haunts the phonelines, about the guttering down the side of his apartment which was constructed by and for rats, that they might scurry up into Daphne's dreams and billow about in her flaky masonry head. Thought it was a song about dressing for work and climbing into a side-bin to count his pubes and check they're still there, still made of the correct keratin; about a pine cone by a disused railway that's full of worms going "Christ!" and a child from Borneo who's been pretending to be a radio.

[non capisco]

Jeez-oh, that's some writing. Glad to have met Sam on the two occasions I did, still remember him at the first CaB meet I went to describing a bit of classical organ music and the effect it had on him and literally getting shivers off his description as if I was hearing it myself.

[Cuellar]

Less pithy than your example, but I'm pretty sure it's this:

Fantastic! Thank you, great work. The non-pithy nature of it was definitely part of its appeal.

[Pink Gregory]

"the smell that haunts the phonelines", the man was a fucking gift

[PlanktonSideburns]

The doomy shit tale does highlight how remarkable the human body is. To actually jet out shit like that requires a huge amount of neural coordination, peristaltic pumps are really designed for gradual movement so it's amazing that the gut can also perform such feats.

Really brings into focus the miracle of our Lord God the almighty.

My baby once shat 1.5 meters as I was changing his nappy. There was a dad shaped silhouette in liquid tod on the door behind me

[shiftwork2]

Sam again with the post about 'Lord Sugar' of 'The Apprentice'.  Extreme humanity going on here.

The 'I'm not a man, I'm Lord Sugar' was priceless. It's a line delivered with the earnestness of a goblin king in a 3rd rate fantasy story. Made all the more ridiculous by the surname 'Sugar'. Lord Sugar could be a decrepit Hugh Heffner figure, adorned in a cum stained kimono, engaged in the exploitative wooing of a limitless supply of peroxide wastrels. They must call him Lord Sugar as they waft around his saggy balls; all the while he grins with satisfaction in his tatty house, built on artifice and cemented with liquified mascara, tears and disapointment.

The Apprentice features egomaniacal fuckheads, desperate to upend their soul-husks and shake out any vestiges of humanity into the whirling shitpool of corporate cuntery, in exchange for a paltry monetary reward, to be held aloft to noone.

Presiding over it all is a man who proclaims himself as an antiquated nobleman of baking, with no trace of irony. He looms over the doomed ones, tragically same, yet writ large by dint of his animmalistic coarseness. He's succeeded through grubby stubble and shouting, a toad squatting in a foetid waterway, croaking the odds to the gathered shit flies, in a forsaken swamp trickling like sick over an ill-begotten land.

[benjitz]

Idly wondering whether any posts are considered brilliant if they're not humorous.

[Mr_Simnock]

Well these posts inspired me to check again re: tags.

I asked again about it in January 2023, to show interest in an updated version.

And it looks like there was actually some movement in June 😮

Absolutely no promises though. The tagging system was heavily edited by me at the time, and I have no idea how to do that shit now. I barely knew then. But if I get some help... maybe. Let me see what I can do here.

they were great but now I have a vision of untold gold that was kept from us, or were the edited ones a little bit too harsh?

[no no natus natus no]

Theremin's Jim Davidson Quest: https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=39139.0

And the little and large tags

[Barry Admin]

they were great but now I have a vision of untold gold that was kept from us, or were the edited ones a little bit too harsh?

No I mean the actual tagging code was edited by me, and I don't know how the forum software works now and haven't done stuff like that in years.  I want to try and get analytics and stuff set up now as well, but just haven't a clue anymore. But I will try and work it out again.

Tagging caused a huge amount of drama at the start, so I also ended up creating a "who tagged it?" page.  That will need to be done again too, otherwise people get nasty as fuck and they cause a lot of paranoia.  I'll probably just have a total blanket ban on using them to snipe at posters this time.

[Barry Admin]

I need to catch up with my emails and stuff but I'll have a quick look now.

[Ferris]

Someone (@Dex Sawash?) wrote a comment on the Shinzo Abe assassination thread blaming Shinzo John Wilkes Booth and it popped into my head yesterday out of nowhere and almost incapacitated me such was my hearty guffaw.

[Barry Admin]

Yeah so it turned out the mod writer gave me a "like" to mention the updated tags script in June, but I never check my email. 



You guys are quick, I was like wtf was that when I was looking for this: