Home Invasion

[salr]

Got a largish heatsink for AM4 socket processors on the table next to me, could have a go at stoving someone in with that. Also have hammer and screwdriver but they're in a a toolbox in a cupboard with something stacked infront of the door so I'd need a bit of time to get to them.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Actually just thought I have a couple of baseball bats (course I fucking do) and some North American barbecue/grilling equipment aka massive big blocks of wood and steel.

I'm actually quite sorted in case of an attempted home invasion, this thread has made me feel tons better. Thanks!

You can't twat somebody with a barbecue.

[Icehaven]

Live on a boat so I'd just pull the secret plug and sink the fucker, jokes on them.

[Dex Sawash]

87 rounds .22LR in top dresser drawer

[jamiefairlie]

You can't twat somebody with a barbecue.

[Brian Freeze]

This more to do with an out and about invasion of personal space but I did feel safer picking up the first Mrs F from the city after one of her many work dos when I happened to have a golf brolly with me.

[Pink Gregory]

leap over the banister and flatten the cunt(s)

[Small Man Big Horse]

Yeah, the mad kid at school used to demonstrate it. Great stuff. But you have to be careful, if you cut the lighter off before you stop pressing the aerosol the flame will feed back into the canister and make it explode. Or the other way round, I can't remember.

I'm worried I may have been that mad kid, as I mucked around with deodorants and fire a good few times.

Looking around my room my best option would be to try and shove one of the lamps in to the blokes open maw, or do a Limmy and pick up my laptop and smash him repeatedly over the head with it.

[Tony Tony Tony]

I have my cutting wit and a ready quip or two.

It's not looking good is it?

[shoulders]

The Derren Brown thing of yelling FIRE to distract them.

The Derren Brown thing of threatening to rape them in self-defence

The Derren Brown thing of skull fucking them in the anus.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

I'm worried I may have been that mad kid, as I mucked around with deodorants and fire a good few times.

Looking around my room my best option would be to try and shove one of the lamps in to the blokes open maw, or do a Limmy and pick up my laptop and smash him repeatedly over the head with it.

Don't worry, I used to fuck around with deodorants and lighters too. It's a crucial stage of a young boy's development that some here seem to have sadly missed out on. I even toyed with the idea of sellotaping a Zippo near the nozzle, so you could have a flamethrower that kicked in with every press, like Ripley in Aliens.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

If I had, say, an extendable steel baton that I'd bought years ago from a dodgy sporting goods shop in Bilston, I'd probably brandish that. But I haven't got one as they're illegal so I dunno.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Don't worry, I used to fuck around with deodorants and lighters too. It's a crucial stage of a young boy's development that some here seem to have sadly missed out on. I even toyed with the idea of sellotaping a Zippo near the nozzle, so you could have a flamethrower that kicked in with every press, like Ripley in Aliens.

I never thought of that but it's a great idea. Apparently in China you can buy a similar device, though I reckon the flame isn't as impressive: https://cdn.thisiswhyimbroke.com/images/chinese-anti-pervert-self-defense-flamethrower.jpg

Also, I once put a deodorant can in a bonfire once but nothing happened, which was probably for the best considering what might have taken place : https://youtu.be/WWUtKhozCv4?t=55

[monkfromhavana]

A pair of smelly socks and some skidmarked pants.

[Vodkafone]

Was thinking about this recently - if you downloaded an audio file of pump action shotgun making the "chu-chk" sound and played that, would that work?

[frajer]

Mrs frajer has one of those rock salt lamps so I presume I'll be caving in someone's skull with that, in the event.

[buttgammon]

The bigger of my two rabbits could give an intruder a nasty bite, but realistically she would be more likely to run and hide or pester a burglar for food.

[Zetetic]

Unconditional positive regard.

[Aleister Growley]

Mace Of Molag Bol
Ebony Bow Of Flames (Legendary)

[Shaxberd]

Couple of years ago someone broke into my house while I was asleep (I'd left the big kitchen window open, it's big enough to crawl through) and all he did was raid the fridge. So first off I'd probably offer them a sandwich.

If that doesn't work, maybe I could bean them on the noggin with a frying pan like a cartoon housewife.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

A pair of smelly socks and some skidmarked pants.

I remember John Peel saying he used to leave an old pair of pants on the steering wheel as a deterrent to would-be car thieves.

[seepage]

for melee vs the undead, The Zombie Survival Guide rates the humble crowbar best weapon, or a trench spike if you happen to collect WW1 militaria

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

I'm looking after a friend's pet snakes, so I could try lobbing them at the villain. I reckon that would be a pretty effective deterrent, although my friend might not approve of it.

If that's off the cards, I'm decorating my bedroom at the moment, so I could clobber the intruder with a stepladder, WWE style.

[shiftwork2]

I take 'home invasion' to be similar to the one in American Werewolf so there's not much point trying to defend myself.

[Theoretical Dentist]

Was thinking about this recently - if you downloaded an audio file of pump action shotgun making the "chu-chk" sound and played that, would that work?

This kind of thing can work, at least with a bit more explicit sound, according to this documentary:

[Glebe]

There was an episode of Miami Vice called 'The Home Invaders' that scared the shit out of me as a kid. Then Whitley Strieber came along with Communion and that was me completely fucked at bedtime.

Sleep tight!

[Jerzy Bondov]

This thread is a clear excuse for people to boast about the stuff they have in their house. Anyway I'd probably attack them with my BAFTA

[Glebe]

The heaviest thing I have to hand is my bunch of gold medals.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

The heaviest thing I have to hand is my bunch of gold medals.

Three times All-Ireland Hungry Hippos champion here, ladies and gentlemen.

[Glebe]

Three times All-Ireland Hungry Hippos champion here, ladies and gentlemen.

Wrong game - I was a handsome scruff and everyone wanted to play me!