Home Invasion

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

I could never play Buckaroo!™ as I would have found the tension too nerve-wracking. Plus the name, ending with an exclamation mark, was a bit threatening.

[El Unicornio, mang]

You could consider a blank-firing gun. They're perfectly legal to own in the UK (although I think there are stricter laws in Scotland) and are as loud as a real gun (and look the same in the dark/heat of the moment) but can't do any physical damage. Guaranteed to get most intruders running in the opposite direction.

[JesusAndYourBush]

A WWII bayonet.

[Tony Tony Tony]

A WWII bayonet.

A WWIII nuke.

[frajer]

A Wii Fit.

[Mr Farenheit]

I have a body double who I pay to live in my house and I just live somewhere else instead. Any home invasion and he's the one that gets chibbed, not me.

[Gurke and Hare]

If that doesn't work, maybe I could bean them on the noggin with a frying pan like a cartoon housewife.

Rik would approve, so that's the way to go.

[Pink Gregory]

A Wii Fit.

can confirm they're actually fairly heavy

[Galeee]

The Shepherd is a watchdog by day and turns into a full on homicidal guard dog at night, so it would be a brave invader to face that.
If anyone did get past her, I have a LARP sword on the wall and a piercing scream.

[Ham Bap]

When it looked like the world was ending at the start of COVID I bought myself a baseball bat in case anyone fancied some and broke in and stole all my money toilet roll.

I'm not even sure where it is now, upstairs somewhere. I think the wife may have hid it as soon as it was bought.

I've always thought that having a microwave upstairs would be a good deterrent. Imagine breaking into someone's house and a microwave whizzing at your head or someone running at you with a microwave, you'd properly scarper in your striped burglar jumper and swag bag.

[Icehaven]

The invader's disappointment would be my best weapon as the only thing remotely worth nicking on our boat is the TV and they'd have to get take the rear doors off the get it out, which I doubt they'd take the time to do. If they did though I suppose we could surreptitiously untie the mooring ropes while they were working on the doors and punt away from the jetty so they'd have to jump into the canal to get away, thusly wrecking the TV and rendering it useless to them, so maybe they'd leave it. Although once they realised it's only about 4ft deep where we are they might try to come back for it, at which point we'd simply switch the engine on and mince them in the propeller. 

[Senior Baiano]

Anyway, no update from the OP, so we have to assume the home invasion happened and it all went a bit Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

[SteveDave]

I'm using my one phone call to dictate this to my wife.

I an innocent and will be cleared by an audience of my peers.

Then press post and don't look at anything else.

[Zero Gravitas]

They're perfectly legal to own in the UK

If you're willing to claim you're an historical reenactor, I don't think it's worth the shame.

[Joe Oakes]

I have a home invasion anecdote, which I've never told on the internet, so consider this a CaB exclusive!

It happened well-over a decade ago when I was living with a small-time weed grower/dealer. He got stabbed in the stomach and nearly died. Bear with me, it gets marginally funnier. It's lucky that he survived the surgery to subsequently corroborate the home invasion, because the po-po seemed to be going in the direction of pinning it on me, judging by the fact that they handcuffed and interrogated me for hours, plus there were no other witnesses. It was also lucky that he survived so he could continue to live. In that order.

Being led away in handcuffs, half-dressed, covered in blood and shoved into the back of a police car in front of my neighbours wasn't even the most embarrassing part. When one of the masked men held a huge knife to my throat and demanded "where's the food?", I, not being up-to-date with my street slang for drugs at the time, took him to the fridge. In my defence, home invading must be hungry work, burning up a lot of calories with all the punching, stabbing and running they do. They say that the eyes are the window to the soul, and that is never truer than when trying to hand a multi-pack of apricot yogurt to a baffled armed intruder wearing a balaclava.

He would have been well-within his rights to stab me to death, I certainly couldn't convict him if I was on the jury. Indeed, I often contemplate stabbing myself whenever I get a flashback to that day when I realised I was no longer cool. Fret not, I've since learnt all the latest drug slang the kids are using these days, such as 'joint', 'marijuana joint' and 'ecstasy joint'. I'm so cool now that I could probably handle a double-home invasion with aplomb. BTW, aplomb is street slang for spice.

My Top Tips on avoiding/surviving home invasions:

1. Never live with a drug-dealer.
2. If you live with a drug-dealer, learn ALL the terms for EVERY drug.
3. If you don't live with a drug-dealer, be on the safe side and learn ALL the terms for EVERY drug.
4. Get ALL the drugs so you can accommodate ANY intruder.
5. If you are struggling to obtain ALL the drugs, I strongly suggest living with a drug-dealer.

Stay safe, kids.

[El Unicornio, mang]

If you're willing to claim you're an historical reenactor, I don't think it's worth the shame.

That's just for replica guns, blank firing guns can be bought by anyone (as they have colours distinguishing them from the real thing).

But also your point is valid.

[Zero Gravitas]

You've got to keep the lights off for this too?

Fair enough if you just want a toy gun with realistic sound effects, but I'll stick to a pack these on the bedside:

[The Mollusk]

Got a half full box of mesalazine suppositories in my bedside unit. Although if someone broke into my flat the stress would probably cause my IBD to flare up so I'd mostly be using them on myself to try and calm down the inflammation. Hopefully the sight of some skinny cunt in Snoopy pyjamas frantically poking little white bullets up his arse would be enough to scare off the intruder.

[Russ L]

I would appeal to the United Nations in the event of an invasion, home or otherwise.  They've proved time and again that this is what they're good at preventing.

[El Unicornio, mang]

You've got to keep the lights off for this too?

Fair enough if you just want a toy gun with realistic sound effects,

You've got to keep the lights off for this too?

Fair enough if you just want a toy gun with realistic sound effects, but I'll stick to a pack these on the bedside:

Alternatively you can just paint the coloured top part of the gun black although technically you've then made a legal gun into an illegal one (unless you can prove it's for reenactments or film/theatre production)

You can get a fully functional antique gun, those are still legal. Basically anything made before 1939 that doesn't use banned cartridges.

I'm not suggesting anyone actually buys a bullet firing gun BTW, just providing the info.

Fun snaps are a great alternative

[Famous Mortimer]

This cunt have their home invaded yet or not

[Gurke and Hare]

they have colours distinguishing them from the real thing

And the great thing is that the woman in the post office doesn't know that.

[frajer]

If things ever go full Purge and the bad crew get in, I'll just put on a hockey mask and say "I'm with you, I'm the new guy, I'm a psycho too. If I lived here, would I do a shit on this loser's bed?"

And then I shit on my bed but behind the mask I'm smiling, because I've saved my family.

[seepage]

just remembered I've got some really stupidly bright battery-powered magnetic lights off of amazon. You don't have to aim them like a torch just flick the switch and duck for cover