Not walking away when confronted by meatheads.

[flotemysost]

Despite being a meek people-pleasing sort I can also be a bit of a dog with a bone with confrontations, depending on what it is.

Somehow never got bullied at school, even though as a puny sensitive bookish type I really should've been ripe for the picking; I think I had a pretty good line in comebacks and just sort of naively assumed that afforded me a grudging respect, and then in my teens I met pals who had actually been relentlessly and brutally bullied (homophobia), and realised no matter how cool or collected or witty you are, if you've been singled out as a victim then they'll find a way. So there was a fair bit of squaring up to dickheads (verbally) when we were out and about together.

I think often for women, "meathead" encounters are couched in a sort of "come on love, I'm only trying to be nice" wheedling rather than out-and-out aggression, and we're so trained to be polite and pleasant and friendly that even a firm but not unreasonable "please could you leave me alone" feels really confrontational and disproportionate, even when it's really not.

Was waiting for a mate at the pub the other day and this dude WOULD NOT leave me alone; I'm all for amicably shooting the shit with a stranger, but he was clearly wasted and kept asking whether I had a boyfriend waiting for me at home blah blah, and in a misjudged attempt at throwing him off I said "oh, I'm into women actually" (technically not untrue, just not the whole truth) and obviously instead of taking the hint and fucking off he started banging on about his (possibly nonexistent) lesbian friend who's a dominatrix, ARGHH JESUS JUST GOOO AWAYYY

There have been times when I've been prone to flipping the lid with people - particularly during Covid

Urgh yep, that period was awful for reducing my temper to an atomic hair-trigger - not with people I knew, but plenty of antivax loudhailer types got a particularly ugly earful if I happened to be in the vicinity. Which is probably what they wanted, I'm sure.

pants pisser

The ultimate ace to have up your sleeve in these situations. Don't even say anything; just calmly piss on them.

[SpiderChrist]

You starting?

I've stepped over bigger cunts than you to get into fights.

I'm a gobby and ill-tempered old twat with no way of physically backing it up. I'm lucky to have only been beaten up twice.

[El Unicornio, mang]

I'll chuck a few words in if someone's taking the piss because I'm not a pushover, but most of the time I just don't care what some unhappy jeb-end says cos I get to say "ok" then go home to my lovely house with my wonderful family.

This is key. I tend to struggle with not biting back, but the only sensible thing to do is walk away. Leave them to their miserable lives and don't let them drag you into it.

[madhair60]

I've never been in an actual physical fight. Anyone else?

never, and I'm glad of it because I worry that I would seriously go apeshit and hurt someone in a way that results in hard time. this isn't meant to be like a weird brag; i just genuinely don't know what I'd do, knowing my own anger and how the intrusive thoughts get :( poor madhair!

[hamfist]

You don't pay attention to cows or trees?

Not enough to notice if they're about to kick off or flirt with me

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

The ultimate ace to have up your sleeve in these situations. Don't even say anything; just calmly piss on them.

If you aim correctly you can then insinuate that they pissed themselves, thereby winning the confrontation hands down

[touchingcloth]

never, and I'm glad of it because I worry that I would seriously go apeshit and hurt someone in a way that results in hard time. this isn't meant to be like a weird brag; i just genuinely don't know what I'd do, knowing my own anger and how the intrusive thoughts get :( poor madhair!

Herr Mad, more like!!!!!!!

I will thump you.

[Endicott]

Beautifully written thankyou, but she's done you up like a kipper, big time.

She's taken advantage of your wet behind the ears greenhorn lack of car driving to pull the motoring equivalent of "Look! Squirrel!" on you.

Unless it was actually a drive through ticket machine and they didn't need to park up first and then I take it all back and you might have been a tiny bit out of order. On the plus side, they have now got an anecdote to keep them going right to the grave.

It has to have been the entrance or exit barrier machine otherwise the story makes no sense. No reprieve for Doomy I'm afraid.

[The Mollusk]

A few months ago I was walking through the Oxford Circus area and two blokes were coming towards me. They took up the whole path and made no effort to single file a bit so I could get past, meaning I would have to walk in the road to get around them. It was a quiet street with no traffic at that time but in my head I was thinking "No fucking way am I sacrificing my BASIC HUMAN RIGHT to occupy my side of the pavement for these cunts!!!" So, despite the fact the bloke nearest me was a dead ringer for Clint, the "someone's smokin' a little reefer" jock from Dazed and Confused, I stood firm and shoulder barged right into him to maintain my undeterred course along the street. The bloke went apeshit at me and despite nearly choking on my words I managed to say "make a fucking effort to move for other people" before he marched at me and shoved me so hard I stumbled back and thudded into a shop door. He was spoiling to actually lamp me but his mate pulled him back and after barking a few insults at me they walked away. I was so upset by the situation that I was on the brink of tears, and yet despite coming within an inch of having the snot beat out of me I still in my heart knew I was right to stand my ground and not just hop off the curb for 2 seconds to avoid trouble.

It's easy enough for those with a calm temperament to say "just let it go, what's wrong with you?" but anger, particularly when you sense some form of injustice, is like many mental health conditions that can't just be swept under the rug. You need to take a serious amount of personal time and consideration to distance yourself from it. It's like cracking open a can of fizzy drink that's been shook up - you can't just put a lid back on it, you have to take it somewhere to do your best with what's spilling out beyond your control. You might not have any conscious knowing as to what's shook you up but suddenly you are fit to fucking burst on whoever sticks their finger in your ... ring ..... pull. Yeah, that'll do.

As noted above, I find it very difficult to remain calm in aggravated moments, as I definitely have an anger issue when it comes to inanimate objects or complete strangers. London is full of entitled self-serving twats, and when I think about it I am part of the problem, even if I am "in the right" for barging out of a tube train when people are trying to board as soon as the doors open or going "FUCKING INDICATE" at cars for turning without signalling where I'm crossing the road.

The issue is when you're so convinced you're in the right, all that exists is your superior mentality against their vastly inferior blundering in this tiny pocket of a heated moment. As has been mentioned, everyone's anger issues stem from things that trace way further back than this moment, and the reality is very, very few of these altercations will magically break the spell on the other person for them to suddenly drop to their knees and plead forgiveness for their sins. They will bite back because really you're both aching for a nibble for seemingly different but actually very similar reasons. And the worst thing about it? You will never come out of it any happier. It only serves to make your own anger even worse. Nobody wins.

[Oh, Nobody]

Living in Doncaster this is just classed as having a conversation.

Went through a period where my standard response to somebody getting shirty was to wink and/or blow a kiss, it's a wonder I'm still alive really.

These days I find peppering in a word of three or more syllables deescalates the situation.

[The Late Satoru Iwata]

I avoid this by maintaining the mindset in public that I'm less important than everyone else. Stops me getting annoyed in shops or when I'm first at a bus stop but last on a bus (or, often, a later bus because the first one filled up before I could get on it)

Low self esteem: try it!

[flotemysost]

If you aim correctly you can then insinuate that they pissed themselves, thereby winning the confrontation hands down

Yes!! That's the spirit.

going "FUCKING INDICATE" at cars for turning without signalling where I'm crossing the road.

There's a set of traffic lights near me where drivers are always blithely ploughing across while the green man's showing, and every time this happens I feel the need to yelp "what the FUCK" at them, accompanied by lots of dramatic Mafioso gesticulating.

Dunno what I'm hoping to achieve; not once has anybody has ever braked, or wound down their window and gone "I'm so sorry, you're quite right; please, take your time!". Of course not. But there's some sort of righteous trigger in me that still feels the urge to let them know how justified my anger is, how wrong they are. I think my lockdown-era tetchiness definitely stemmed from the sense of impotence and powerlessness brought on by that whole wretched era, so I guess this is a similar thing on a smaller scale.

Went through a period where my standard response to somebody getting shirty was to wink and/or blow a kiss, it's a wonder I'm still alive really.

Ha!!

[Fambo Number Mive]

It's really hard. I feel like these people are walking all over me but at the same time you don't know how they will react if you do stand up for yourself. I still remember strangers who have decided to take their issues out on me years ago. A guy in 2017 who had a go at me for not thanking him for holding the door open for him (I did but he clearly didn't hear this) while I was on the phone to the doctor, for example. I did bite back then but he had a friend/family member there who kept telling me to go away and I thought, where is this going to go?

It's just the sense of injustice you feel when some stranger is a cunt to you and gets away with it. Doesn't just ruin my day but I stew over it months and years later. The person I sat next to on the bus in 2014/15 who tutted at me when I asked them to move (politely) so I could get off the bus at the stop. What else did she expect me to do? Wait until she got off the bus.

Although its no excuse for how cunts behave, it is partly a reflection of how hard life is for most people in the UK and how a small majority of people in the UK support life being hard as long as it mainly affects other people. All this "personal responsibility" bullshit. Society would be better if alcohol advertising was banned for example as it would make it easier for people with alcohol issues to avoid relapsing, but no we can't have this it's "personal responsibility". Of course, given these cunts target people who they think they can get away with upsetting in order to feel better their victims are usually people who are having an even harder life than they are, so I have barely any sympathy for them. Perhaps they should consider an alternate outlet for their anger like running.

I do hope that some of these cunts annoy the wrong person one day and get some of their own medicine. They've been partly responsible for making my life a lot harder.

[The Bumlord]

I have no problems with this as I carry a huge knife with me at all times.

Anyone looks at me funny: slashy slashy stab stab!

[TrenterPercenter]

Why not just get yourself on a break dancing for self defence course.

[ZoyzaSorris]

As someone with PTSD and dysfunctional emotional regulation I'm really bad at this, I just can't let it go, I really want to though but if someone is being a dickhead I just can't seem to hold my tongue and let it all wash over me. I'd quite like to be a calm elder statesman type especially with advancing years but the the amount of dickheads I've seen in action in my time on this world makes it very difficult. This can occasionally result in me being the meathead through overreaction. I fell half asleep on the train after a work do once and some guy thumped me on the arm wanting me to move my bag so he could sit down and I took the assault on my personage very poorly, basically thought I was under attack and remained fuming, calling him a twat and similar for the rest of the journey, totally out of sorts. Woke up with a hangover and a deep sense of shame for being an aggro prat (whilst still thinking the guy had overstepped the mark a bit). Hangover was not improved by shortly afterwards seeing an email from the head office explaining that someone had rung up saying they had found my work phone. Had to go and meet the person in town to get it back later that day. Guess what, yes, it was of course the guy I'd been calling an absolute arsehole for about twenty minutes the previous evening.sheepish doesn't even begin to cover it. Amazingly he was totally fine about it. Reader, I married him.

[shoulders]

we're so trained to be polite and pleasant and friendly

Must be different gravy in Leeds, women of this Parish (hello women of this Parish reading this) wouldn't think twice about telling you or me to fuck off directly to your face if they felt you or anyone else was trying to belittle them. As in, the best case scenario, maximum de-escalation is complaining very loudly so everyone nearby can hear, worst case scenario they and their husband and their kids and their dog and their extended families and their dogs kick the living shit out of you in broad daylight until you're shaped like a mangled bollard.

Gender norms, meet class dynamics.

[BlodwynPig]

I give as good as I get. Some cunt tried to ram me with his trolley outside  Sainsbury's the other day and then tried to claim that I was the one with anger issues.

That was you?! Why I could of...

[Vodkafone]

Must be different gravy in Leeds, women of this Parish (hello women of this Parish reading this) wouldn't think twice about telling you or me to fuck off directly to your face if they felt you or anyone else was trying to belittle them. As in, the best case scenario, maximum de-escalation is complaining very loudly so everyone nearby can hear, worst case scenario they and their husband and their kids and their dog and their extended families and their dogs kick the living shit out of you in broad daylight until you're shaped like a mangled bollard.

Gender norms, meet class dynamics.

Reminds me of an old job in Sheffield where a colleague was going out to meet a family for the first time to do some planning with their disabled son. Colleague finds the right street on a rough estate and approximately the right house and pulls up in her car to see two women scrapping in the street, literally rolling on the floor, grappling and throwing punches. One of them clocks my colleague, gets up and cheerily says "Are you Tracey? Come in, love"

[flotemysost]

Must be different gravy in Leeds, women of this Parish (hello women of this Parish reading this) wouldn't think twice about telling you or me to fuck off directly to your face if they felt you or anyone else was trying to belittle them. As in, the best case scenario, maximum de-escalation is complaining very loudly so everyone nearby can hear, worst case scenario they and their husband and their kids and their dog and their extended families and their dogs kick the living shit out of you in broad daylight until you're shaped like a mangled bollard.

Gender norms, meet class dynamics.

Oh I've definitely told overzealous blokes to fuck off before, both on behalf of myself and other people. Worst case scenario for me was getting punched in the face by said bloke (this was years ago, mind; usually it's just a verbal barrage of the kind of insults you might expect).

What you're describing here though really is community, and if you don't have that support network (in whatever form that takes) then you're potentially on your own if things turn ugly (unless of course strangers/bar staff etc. are willing to get involved, but you can't bank on that, at least not in London anyway). You can be the feistiest bolshiest cunt in the room, but if you're on your own then you could still very much be in danger. I'd like to think I'm *reasonably* observant when it comes to clocking someone who's potentially having a bad time and gently stepping in/asking if they're alright, but if you don't know them or aren't connected with them then it's so much easier to look the other way and just carry on with your life, which is often people's default response, understandably.

(see also: customer service roles where it is literally your job to be polite and pleasant and friendly, and management couldn't give a fuck if you're being harassed)

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely *am* a useless sheltered middle-class Southern softy idiot, but when I'm talking about being polite and friendly in these situations unfortunately I mean it from a place of necessity and self-preservation, rather than just being nice because you don't want to offend anyone.

[ASFTSN]

A few months ago I was walking through the Oxford Circus area and two blokes were coming towards me. They took up the whole path and made no effort to single file a bit so I could get past, meaning I would have to walk in the road to get around them. It was a quiet street with no traffic at that time but in my head I was thinking "No fucking way am I sacrificing my BASIC HUMAN RIGHT to occupy my side of the pavement for these cunts!!!" So, despite the fact the bloke nearest me was a dead ringer for Clint, the "someone's smokin' a little reefer" jock from Dazed and Confused, I stood firm and shoulder barged right into him to maintain my undeterred course along the street. The bloke went apeshit at me and despite nearly choking on my words I managed to say "make a fucking effort to move for other people" before he marched at me and shoved me so hard I stumbled back and thudded into a shop door. He was spoiling to actually lamp me but his mate pulled him back and after barking a few insults at me they walked away. I was so upset by the situation that I was on the brink of tears, and yet despite coming within an inch of having the snot beat out of me I still in my heart knew I was right to stand my ground and not just hop off the curb for 2 seconds to avoid trouble.

I do get where you're coming from with this, sort of, a bit, but from the path-hogging-twat's POV here, isn't what happened is that a complete stranger suddenly shoulder barged into them unprovoked out of nowhere? You earmarked them as arseholes, but the first part of the conversation happened in your head.

Especially if there's no traffic around, and walking around them takes a second, I just think in situations like that, well, people are inconsiderate twats, whaddyagonnado. The stakes are low.

Hope it doesn't seem like I'm dismissing the second part of your post or the overall point you're making, apologies if so.

EDIT: Not sure if I misread and they were physically heading for you in a threatening way first...

[The Mollusk]

I do get where you're coming from with this, sort of, a bit, but from the path-hogging-twat's POV here, isn't what happened is that a complete stranger suddenly shoulder barged into them unprovoked out of nowhere? You earmarked them as arseholes, but the first part of the conversation happened in your head.

Especially if there's no traffic around, and walking around them takes a second, I just think in situations like that, well, people are inconsiderate twats, whaddyagonnado. The stakes are low.

Hope it doesn't seem like I'm dismissing the second part of your post or the overall point you're making, apologies if so.

EDIT: Not sure if I misread and they were physically heading for you in a threatening way first...

No of course not, and no offence or dismissal taken.

It may not have been totally clear but as with the rest of the stuff in my post I was framing myself as being partially in the wrong as well. They weren't walking towards me with any sort of aggression but in my head the entitlement of not moving aside to let me get by without having to step down into the road (they had ample room to do so) was aggravating to the point where I did what I did.

In an ideal world they would have been considerate and moved aside, but since they made no attempt to do so in the heat of the moment I felt like I was within my right to dish out a steamy ladle of shoulder justice. This absolutely does make me part of the problem, and solves nothing for either myself or the other bloke. I look back on it with regret and typing out these posts certainly helps me contextualise the bigger picture of just avoiding people who clearly don't give a fuck about me, but because of my ADHD I do have poor emotional dysregulation and struggle greatly to let things go. It's hard work.

[ASFTSN]

It's hard work.

I hear ya. I disagree there's 'a problem' and that you're part of it though.

I don't have ADHD so it's a different thing, but I used to work around that area of London myself about ten years ago, and it's wild when I look back at my attitude to people as I walked around - everyone was an absolute cunt*, worthy of nothing less than pure contempt and rage because they were all part of the problem, swaggering egos and haircuts everywhere. Positive way to look at it is I wound my neck in and tried to extend more empathy and let things go, negative way is I suppose I'm old and don't give a fuck about stuff that won't make a difference now. There's actual injustice (genocide, systematic discrimination and corruption), and there's dense pigheadedness (poor behaviour in public like littering or failing to indicate). 

*Working in Oxford Street retail and the effect on my mental health may have had something to do with it, mind...

[Tony Tony Tony]

Tend to think these types of meatheads are spoiling for a fuck or a fight. It's your choice what to put on offer really.

[shoulders]

Conscientiousness is a huge trigger for me and an incident like that would have set off something.

If it's a group who are talking among themselves you can get why they'd not really be paying attention. No issues walking around in that situation but when someone can see you, has seen you, knows they're at the edge of the pavement and doesn't move and there's a busy road and a drop off the pavement...nah, that would be difficult for me to brush off.

It's not so much the single act as what it represents. They're the ones that blow smoke/vape it people's faces, chuck chewing gum in urinals for other people to clear up, refuse to wear masks in lockdown.

I'm improving a technique to deal with this situation though. No more meekly trying to wobble my body around them teetering on the edge of the pavement. I will clearly move across from the edge so I'm directly in someone's path which seems to create a reflex reaction for 90% of people, then leave enough time that I can also visibly be seen to be moving aside for them too, which ameliorates instead of exacerbating the situation. Small acts of kindness.

[touchingcloth]

I don't get physical confrontation personally, but I definitely find myself with my back up at STUPID FUCKING POINTLESS SHIT THAT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM.

Ticket barrier not accepting my legitimate ticket? Well, I'll try a couple more times, but then I'm vaulting, tailgating, or forcing the cunts apart. Not my problem, pal, it's your problem.

Alarm going off when I walk through the sensors at the store entrance even though I've not stolen anything? Well, I'm not even slowing down, turning around, getting meek and apologetic eye contact with the guard. Head up, walking on my merry way. Not. My. Problem.

Level crossing lights blinking even though the barrier isn't down? Just going to carry on driving, mate, NOT MY PRO

[ASFTSN]

It's not so much the single act as what it represents. They're the ones that blow smoke/vape it people's faces, chuck chewing gum in urinals for other people to clear up, refuse to wear masks in lockdown.

Gonna be bangin' when all the shitheads of the world get the message and this sort of thing fades from society forever. Can't wait.

[touchingcloth]

It's not so much the single act as what it represents. They're the ones that blow smoke/vape it people's faces, chuck chewing gum in urinals for other people to clear up, refuse to wear masks in lockdown.

You can't blow smoke in people's faces and/or spit gum in a urinal if you're wearing a mask, prick.

[shoulders]

Gonna be bangin' when all the shitheads of the world get the message and this sort of thing fades from society forever. Can't wait.

I think you're confusing my description of how things make me feel with anything I expect to happen.

Although, other cultures appear to have different attitudes to us on some topics, and there is evidence that effective ad campaigns (one example being anti-littering) have an effect on human behaviour.

[Paul Calf]

I wasn't going to say anything but if you're going to fucking start on him try picking on someone your own size

Stay out of this, cunt, or you'll be picking your teeth out of your shit with broken fingers.

* Paul Calf run away