Gymming

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Hi everyone,
I've just joined my work's on site gym on a whim. I'm going to do an induction session this week and I'm shitting it a bit because I've never done a gym and don't know what bits of kit to go on or how to do them properly without looking like a knob. You get a personal trainer for the first one but I still feel like I'm going to fuck it up and look like some sort of incompetent fanny.
I'm not really arsed about getting all muscly and I'm not particularly overweight so my main goal is just being generally healthier and fitter and less like a lethargic sack of shit, and also I'm at the stage of my life (30) where my metabolism could quite easily fuck me over and turn me into a large bloke so I'd ideally like to have some affinity for this sort of stuff before it happens.
Has anyone else gymmed and has any advice about doing it proper and good? Thanks

[PlanktonSideburns]

Your at a gym, you already look 1000% a cunt, embrace it. Wear short shorts

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

BEEFCAKE

[thelittlemango]

The first time I went to a gym I had an induction and part of that was the lady showing me the pull-up bars and asking me to try it. As I'm not the tallest I jumped for it and didn't get much purchase on the bar, so mid-jump the lady held me by the waist and lifted me up like a mum in Toys R Us showing their kid a Furby on the top shelf as the rest of the gym looked on.

Normally you'd think that would be mortifying and you'd never go again, but luckily the gym has a very very high narcissist per square foot ratio, and if there's one of those giant mirrors in there you can bet most of the big boys will be staring at themselves in those instead, it's quite a comforting thought.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

I'd love to be hoisted by a muscled woman.

[checkoutgirl]

I still feel like I'm going to fuck it up

Probably a good attitude as you can get injured if you're not careful.

[checkoutgirl]

Wear short shorts

And a teeshirt two sizes too small.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Yeah by next week I'm going to be prattling on about "leg day" and drinking nothing but liquidised beans

the pull-up bars

Oh fuck I remember we did actually do these in school! Yeah I can't do them at all so that's the gym fucked for me ignore the entire post I'm fucking the whole thing off tomorrow

[The F Bomb]

Rings asap

[Zetetic]

If you discover how to know when you've "activated your core", please let me know.

I'm pretty sure every abdominal-based exercise I try just involves fucking up my back even further as I can't find the right muscles.

[Zetetic]

Find the burliest creature you can and ask them if they've read William Llewellyn's Anabolics.

[thenoise]

Good luck to you. Be completely honest with induction person - I'm totally new to this, please make me a short idiot-proof routine that I can do three times a week in order to provide a basic level of strength/fitness without too much fuss. If you decide to get all nerdy about it later, go for it. But this is where you start.

Oh and try and find some other poor sucker a friend/colleague to go along with you. You're less likely to slack it off if there us a vague sense of letting someone else down. You might even end up having a little gentle competition. And then go out for five pints and a greasy kebab together afterwards

[bgmnts]

If you discover how to know when you've "activated your core", please let me know.

I'm pretty sure every abdominal-based exercise I try just involves fucking up my back even further as I can't find the right muscles.

After dragging them away from the group of ladies he'd been flirting with for ages, a gym instructor told me to pretend like I'm having a shit.

It didn't work. 30+ years and still can't work a single muscle like I'm meant to according to the gym machines. Perhaps it's autism who knows.

[Schlippy]

I'm shitting it a bit because I've never done a gym and don't know what bits of kit to go on or how to do them properly without looking like a knob. You get a personal trainer for the first one but I still feel like I'm going to fuck it up and look like some sort of incompetent fanny.

Don't worry about this, if you start off using the machines rather than free weights they all have diagrams on explaining how to use them, even if you don't remember everything the PT tells you once you've done it a few times it becomes second nature. Try not to feel self-conscious or worry what other people there think of you, they don't give a shit, they're only there to get their own workout done, the most extensive conversation you're likely to have at first is people asking "how many sets do you have left?" if they want to use the same piece of equipment you're using.

Free weights are ultimately the best way to go, but you'll make tons of progress in your first year regardless of what you use so machines are a pretty good bet to begin with, they're like the gym equivalent of learning to ride a bike with stabilisers on. Never over-exert yourself, especially while you're still learning the ropes; perform exercises slowly with light weights until you feel comfortable with the movements and the way each exercise works your muscles, then start adding either reps or weight depending on your goals.

Three way splits are an excellent workout routine for any level if you're looking for something off-the-shelf to get started with.

If you can stick with it three times a week for maybe three months that's enough to turn gym-going into a habit that becomes automatic rather than something you have to plan around or psychologically work up to. Regular exercise is the single most effective thing you can do to improve your physical, mental and emotional health, all while making yourself more attractive to boot. There's literally only upsides to it, I have a GP friend who reckons that if the benefits of exercise were available in pill form, everyone would take that pill every day without thinking about it.

Good luck, and don't give up!

[buttgammon]

It's easy to find gifs of people using pretty much any machine there is and of course, doing any other exercise too. Some gyms will have an app or website with loads of stuff like that on, but if mine is anything to go by, it's something cheaper ones do to save having to give you a proper induction.

[dr beat]

^totally agree with all what @Schlippy said.  One thing I would add is that I think the biggest challenge is making time for it.  We all have other things going on, work, family, other pastimes etc.  My suggestion would be to plan ahead.  Mark out time for the gym say a week ahead, knowing when you have time, but build in flexibility in case say a work commitment might overrun etc.

Being away for work is also a challenge.  I've got a 30min circuits routine which can be done in a hotel room.  Just stuff like press ups, squat thrusts etc.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

It's easy to find gifs of people using pretty much any machine there is and of course, doing any other exercise too. Some gyms will have an app or website with loads of stuff like that on, but if mine is anything to go by, it's something cheaper ones do to save having to give you a proper induction.

Fair dos but whenever I've tried stuff like press-ups and sit-ups and the like I've found that even if I look at how to do something like that correctly it's still a very different prospect relating a diagram or a video of someone else to what my own limbs are doing in a first person perspective. So my concern is that will be the case here. Actually as I was typing this out I've just realised that that's probably what the big mirrors are to help with

[Schlippy]

Yup, exactly that; people don't stare at themselves in the mirrors because of narcissism, they're making sure their shoulders are straight or whatever. Correct form (doing the exercises "properly", or in the most beneficial way) is super important, try to be aware of how you're holding your body and what muscles you're exercising; bad habits in this regard can slow your progress or cause injury. You've got an advantage here as a beginner because you don't have anything to "unlearn".

The other two things to bear in mind are your diet and sleep; you'll probably need to up your protein intake to help your muscles recover & grow (the recommended amount is 1g of protein per pound of bodyweight per day, but that's a lot of protein for most people to eat so just try and eat more in general, spread over the day), and most of the recovery your body does is while you sleep so make sure you're getting your 7-9 hours daily if you can.

[Schlippy]

One last point - whatever you end up doing on your first visit to the gym, you'll almost certainly be very sore the next day, and very very fucken sore the day after that. This is completely normal and sadly unavoidable; your body will quickly adapt to being physically challenged and develop a rest & recovery cycle, but the first few times you stress each muscle group they're gonna yelp at you for a couple of days afterwards.

Ain't no way through it but to do it, unfortunately. The easier you take it initially the easier it'll be to recover from, so slow and steady wins the race here.

[Kankurette]

Good luck and have fun. Most people there are too busy focusing on their workout to stare at you, so don't worry. You may need Deep Heat because you will hurt like a bastard afterwards, but that's normal. My gym going is sporadic - I've missed it lately because of work/family stuff/my period. If you aren't sure about the equipment, ask the instructors - it's what they're there for.

I can't do pull up bars. Yet. Maybe one day.

[dead-ced-dead]

I've been going to the gym for the first time ever and asked a friend of mine to who is a big gym guy to write me a basic routine. He recommended a three day upper lower split.

So M/W/F U/L/U one week then L/U/L the next week. I can honestly understand why people get addicted to this. Once you know what you're doing a get a bit more confident it gets fun.

Get a good pair of headphones and save up some podcasts and stuff.

In terms of what to bring. Clothing: shorts or tracksuit bottoms, a tshirt you don't mind getting sweaty and decent trainers. Make sure you bring a bottle of water too.

[thelittlemango]

And a little towel to wipe down the equipment so the next punter isn't treated to a sweaty silhouette of your gooch.

[Inspector Norse]

Yeah key thing to remember is that nobody's looking at you or judging you: for every buff tanned twentysomething athlete swaggering around the place there'll be two others who are just like you, ordinary humdrum types who are just there to keep their body in working order and offset all the beer and crisps.

I go 3-4 times a week for the latter reason and one way to make it a more enjoyable experience instead of just doing lifts and presses is get on one of the cross-trainer machines and watch some football on my phone for an hour or so (if you don't like football you could watch something else, obviously) while doing the weird power-walk thing. Quite a zen experience and you burn off quite a bit.

[dead-ced-dead]

I go 3-4 times a week for the latter reason and one way to make it a more enjoyable experience instead of just doing lifts and presses is get on one of the cross-trainer machines and watch some football on my phone for an hour or so (if you don't like football you could watch something else, obviously) while doing the weird power-walk thing. Quite a zen experience and you burn off quite a bit.

This is key. Headphones flip the whole experience and can turn the whole thing from a miserable commitment to a fun one.

[badaids]

This is key. Headphones flip the whole experience and can turn the whole thing from a miserable commitment to a fun one.

Totally agree, I always choose an album that is about 40 minutes and exercise for that amount of time.  At the same time I manage to work harder, yet don't notice the misery of it.

[TrenterPercenter]

This is key. Headphones flip the whole experience and can turn the whole thing from a miserable commitment to a fun one.

Jesus, if I forget my headphones I turn around and go home.  Always about having some tunes on for me.  I think this also helps people that are self conscious about going I'm the most unaware of other people once I'm there because I just go into my workout + tunes mode and that is all I focus on.

[Kankurette]

Me too. Exercise is so much easier if I've got music on. I've even got a gym playlist.