DESOLATION_V.swf

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

74 years of using the phrase 'jeweler's ringpiece' instead of 'eyepiece', but no, Bernard has never thought to question the stifled guffaws.

[ollyboro]

An enthusiastic Thatcherite undertaker is gutted when his attempt to inject formaldehyde into his genitalia results in his penis looking remarkably like Lenin.

[Kryton]

Arse Henry gets taken literally.

[touchingcloth]

Your will specifies funeral music of "Angles by Robin Williams, the Ross Kemp version" but because you wrote it yourself using Last Wills & Testaments for dummies it's not legally binding and you're buried to an undertaker's whistler version of the Benny Hill theme punctuated with the occasional thud of his steel toecap into your coffin accompanied by a muttered "black bastard". You are egregiously Caucasian, but the cause of death was "frostbite of the everything".

[Twit 2]

Dean Gaffney emerges from the dank of an autumn cellar and cocks his ear to a distant din.
"What is it Dean?"
"It is the rumbling of my thousand failures - it is like crushed concrete churning in a chasm - it is the smouldering echo of my autocue farts, it is the baritone yammering of my Radio Times life."
"What now Dean?"
"I am suppliant and sanguine, though I have no right."
"Indeed, you shall crumble and it will be as of the sacking of a Byzantine palace...Now, get out of Greggs, you're barred."

[Chicory]

Pete would rather not dwell on his past, preferring instead to look forward to the happier days which must surely come. Unfortunately, Pete is fifty eight.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

Working from home means that you now have to listen to your dad yelling "IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WATCH ME WANKING THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE MOVED IN NEXTDOOR!" at the neighbours.

[BlodwynPig]

Lord Tom Moore OBE renditions "Angles (sic)" by Robbie Williams at the Liverpool Premiership Champions celebrations at Anfield in September 2020. Boris Johnson hands out special souvenir copies of The Sun to the crowd and warmly receives the rapturous applause. Tommy Robinson is anointed Owner of the Club dressed in pseudo-fascist garb, "the new kit for next season fellas!!!" he winks.

No-one bats an eyelid. A shut-in, one of the last to still suffer from Covid-19 virus, gives up posting a scathing commentary of the event and slips into eternal sleep.

His 4 metre square bedroom is subsequently rented out to Romanian prostitutes by Air BnB Corp.

[Ferris]

Paul McCartney is wheeled out to do an extended version of Hey Jude for the opening and/or memorial of something.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

You're caught French-kissing the dog and it's not his birthday.

[the midnight watch baboon]

You tread in warm human faeces during your daily constitution around a typhoid cemetery.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You purchase the book One Hundred Years Of Homosexuality from Waterstones on off-chance that the first 18 will be paedo.

[Cerys]

Wendy decides not to have an abortion after hearing that the local paedophile ring pays well.

[the midnight watch baboon]

The Premier League sues "China, planes, and the air" in sullen preparation for its imminent massive losses.

[touchingcloth]

You marry your own instagrams account.

[Ferris]

Your director assigns you to create "memes etc" to boost morale for all staff in the time of quarantine.

[touchingcloth]

Your director assigns you to create "memes etc" to boost morale for all staff in the time of quarantine.

And your director is James Cameron, and by "staff" he just means he plans to send them to Kate Winslet and Linda Hamilton.

[Cerys]

Gavin's only friend dies when the javelin event results in catastrophic piercing of its molehill.

[the midnight watch baboon]

EDDY GRANT REALISES HE DOES WANT TO DANCE WITH HIS BABY, AFTER ALL THAT, BUT SHE'S RECEDING INTO THE DEPTFORD DISTANCE IN A NAMBULANCE

[shiftwork2]

A crematorium wins 'Best Plastic Flower Arrangement'.

[Pingers]

The Antiques Roadshow are dismissive of the bogey you kept since you were 7

[Pingers]

It's week one at the debt collection agency, and you are sent a link to an e-learning module titled "Crushing Hopes and Dreams"

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

While busy daydreaming about whisks, you snap back to reality to find that you have been collected by the bin men along with the refuse and are now being keeled helplessly towards the filthy teeth of death.

[Cerys]

She doesn't ring you back.

[Cerys]

She rings you back.

[Ferris]

She backs your ring.

[Cerys]

You block her wang.

[Ferris]

...unenthusiastically, and entirely at her request.

[ollyboro]

Brian the nonce has ridicule poked at the size of his cock by his unsatisfied six year old victim.

[Cerys]

The victim is Brian himself, as he exists in a sea of dissociative identities.