Insufferable Workmate Ryan

[the Fallen]

Ryan is his own secret santa

he doesn't think enough of himself to get Ryan anything

[Glebe]

Ryan is planning to get "absolutely plastered" on New Year's Eve. "So much so that my wife will leave me taking our brat with her, heh! But seriously yeah that's the plan."

[Catalogue of ills]

"Bird's kicked me out innit, so I'm spending Christmas at yours gayboy" announces Ryan as he pushes past you.

[Glebe]

When he returns to work after the holidays Ryan will try to sound cool by telling everyone he spent Christmas "spliffed out of my head on the couch and listening to some classic rave toons!"

But really he was watching a load of cheesy old Christmas specials and drinking Fanta and crying because Sandra left him.

[Glebe]

Ryan is planning what he calls "the Super-Spreader Splifftastic New Year's Eve Event! It'll be totally irresponsible, naked woman, coke, weed, and NO MASKS! I am so fucking cool, huck!"

[Glebe]

Ryan's New Year resolution is to carry on being an utterly repellent and repugnant twat.

[Catalogue of ills]

Ryan's New Year resolution is to carry on being an utterly repellent and repugnant twat.

"Achievable goals, achievable goals", as he likes to say.

[Glebe]

"I never liked that Faulty Tower but I think John Chess has gotten a bit of wisdom in his old age. It's terrible that one the comedy classics has to defend himself from these 'Wokes' after all he's done for the country. Then these transgender millennials come along and muck it all up! PC gone mad once again."

[the Fallen]

Ryan logs into his work Teams invisible

Logs off again forlorn

[Glebe]

After hearing a rumour that you are impotent,  Ryan sends you the following email:

SUBJECT: your balls

MAIN BODY OF TEXT: haha your balls are fucked mate

ATTACHMENTS: *photo of Brussels sprouts*

[Mr Farenheit]

Ryan shows off his 'love bites' from a 'total nymph' he's 'shagging'. Someone questions why one has a leech attached.
Someone else questions why Ryan has a lunchbox full of leeches in his drawer.
Ryan tells everyone there's a reasonable explanation but he just needs to urgently take a slash first.
20 minutes later a few people enter the toilets to find Ryan attempting to tunnel his way out of an explanation.

[Glebe]

In truth Ryan has a rash on his neck and was trying "the medieval cure".

[Mr Farenheit]

Ryan 'goes full medieval' and subjects himself to 'Trial by Ordeal' to prove that it wasn't just a neck rash. He sends 1000 copies of a plain black piece of paper through the photocopier to work it into a frenzy, then opens the machine and grasps the overheated toner cartridge for a full minute. The powdered ink can't disguise his burned palms and he roars in triumph and agony when the minute is up. 'VIIIIIINDICAAAAAATED,' he yells. This is not the first time Ryan has yelled this word in the office.

[Glebe]

Ryan installs a dunking stool in the office toilets. "If anyone complains about this we shall see if they float or drown!"

[the Fallen]

Ryan pops into the closed Aviva office for a shit.

Doesn't even mind the tracing paper toiletrolls. It's not like it's him who has to wipe

[Glebe]

Ryan Skypes you around lunchtime.

"Working from home means you can keep the New Year's party going! Not you though I imagine you probably don't even do spliff saaaaaad!"

[pancreas]

'[Sigh] so, what did you do for new year, then Ryan?'

'Well, a few smelling salts, as you know, as you know, and then to be honest mate, I just hope there was no video evidence. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.'

[Glebe]

"Let's just say a prozzie got hired and we did imbibe a pinch of snuff or two, hahahahaha!"

[the Fallen]

Ryan leads a meagre life of compromise, thwarted at every turn by his own seething sense of inadequacy, plus his sales numbers aren't as dope as they used to be

[the Fallen]

Like us all oneday Ryan turned to very dust, bones scattered in the howling wind, nothing, no remnants, nothing, all this bustle and redfaced blow, for naught, Ryanless, a world bereft of all but also of Ryan

Your heels click and you whoop. If them's the breaks

[the Fallen]

You text Ryan that all his mistakes are meticulously accounted for so scrupulously and one day that great sum shall come tumbling down upon us and he throws a wobbly spanning multiple messages

[the Fallen]

You arrange to meet Ryan in the Crown to settle old scores and he doesn't even realise not even the next day the whole shebang was to meet with recruiting representatives of the I.R.A and that's why you really walked off leaving him there burning dreams of bombing Ulster

[the Fallen]

Joyously Ryan accepts your decorous offer to co-host a Patreon film review podcast

Let the world shudder and thrill at his plodding, two dimensional attempts @ psychosexual analysis of the tropes used and played upon throughout certain media, probably not even schooled on the basics of lesbian cinematography

Beach Rats
Begotten
Benny's Video
El Topo
The Day of the Locust
Desert Hearts
The Watermelon Woman
My Beautiful Laundrette

"Are these even real films?" Ryan snides. You dust your teeth with 2CB and flex, ready

[Glebe]

Unsuprisingly, Ryan is a huge admirer of Alan Sugar. "He got game, The Shuggs. He's fuckin' stylin' it mate!"

[Glebe]

Ryan was going to put a 'white pride' poster on the wall behind his desk "but it'd only get taken down. And I'll tell you something else, all this 'taking the knee' crap... the only time you should do that is if you're giving your girlfriend oral - if she's lucky! Oh yeah and if you're being knighted, which is less likely if you're black to fair."

[Mr Farenheit]

Ryan has binge-watched the entirety of Jim Davidson's youtube channel over the holidays.

First day back, he's wearing a striped shirt with a white collar.

'Did you know there are still French hotels in this country? Service is a fucking joke.'

[the Fallen]

Ryan goes into the Aviva office today, Monday, a bank holiday.

Security guard: isn't open chief, bank Holiday

Ryan: yeah I know. I just... Had to come here.

[Glebe]

Ryan has won every Call of Duty game and likes to pretend he is a real soldier when he's playing.

"Pop a cap in that rag head! Our Brave Boys forevah!"

[Glebe]

"Even I'm disgusted with Boris Johnson and everything going on at the moment," Ryan confides to you in the canteen. "It's time for a change of government!"

"So you want UKIP in then?" you reply drily.

Ryan is quiet for a minute as he considers his answer.

"Yeah, well... can't think of any other acceptable party. BNP but they're not allowed. And they call them fascists! The hypocrisy!"

[Glebe]

"'Coke is it' -yeah as in 'cocaine' not cola haha!"

Ryan looks around expectantly, having forgotten that he is the only one in the office today ("apart from that plebby cleaner!).