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March 28, 2024, 09:23:57 AM

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Insufferable Workmate Ryan

Started by the Fallen, December 14, 2021, 08:03:05 PM

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the Fallen

You've not spoken to Ryan for a bit, so say Hi over Teams to see if, like the proverb indeed claims, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Big fat nope

Mr Farenheit

Free space on Ryan's desk is at a premium. His keyboard and mousemat are completey hemmed in by framed Jordan Peterson quotations, and paintball and ten pin bowling trophies.

Glebe

Ryan is HUGE fan of Richard Dawkins. "He's totally anti-religious claptrap, real intelligent stuff! Ricky Gervais turned me on to him... I don't mean personally of course, I don't know Ricky! Although I did bump into him one day years ago in Reading. I told him 'One day you're going to be famous mate.' Honest."

Glebe

"These trumped-up charges against Prince Andrew, the absolute audacity! He's a prince of the realm, for goodness' sake!"

Ryan suddenly stands up at his desk and salutes.

"O great prince, no matter how they attack you, I am forever your humble servant! *singing* Land of hope and glory..."

Mr Farenheit

In an email blast to all of the company's employees, clients and suppliers, Ryan announces he will do a sponsored pub crawl to raise money for the Prince.

'Anything you can give will help, its all His Royal Highness. Anyone is welcome to jon me of course! just get your own sponsors, that means DO NOT approach anyone on this list, they're mine.
Subscribe to my youtube channel to see all the preparations as the big day approaches!'


Mr Farenheit

Ryan has a SONS OF ANARCHY mousemat

GoblinAhFuckScary

Ryan, you asked me what my star sign I was and then never spoke to me again. Why

Glebe

Ryan flashes his Gucci knock-off watch whenever Jenny from Accounts wanders in. "She'd bound to spot it eventually," he winks at you, and for a moment you actually feel deep sorrow for the twat.

the Fallen

Ryan lies in the dark, flinging tweets that you'll, nobody'll, ever ever read into the stinking void

Happy Friday!

Mr Farenheit

Quote from: Mr Farenheit on January 14, 2022, 01:36:19 AMRyan has a SONS OF ANARCHY mousemat

"Yep, big Sons fan. I've watched it all the way through 18 times. That's a European record.
Favourite scene? Probably 'Fire or Knife'. I would have taken Fire because I can handle burns, but I also have no fear of knives soooo hard to say. Anyway I never would have betrayed the Club in the first place so its all hyperthetical."

Glebe

Ryan attempted to become a football hooligan in the '90s but he always legged it when things kicked off - and I mean the actual kick off of the games themselves! "I don't like football anyway," he whispered to himself as he legged it out of West Ham's ground for the last time and decided to stop being a "true blue gunner hammer."

Glebe

You accidentally knock your desk phone over, prompting Ryan to bellow "HA HA HA! TWAT! FACKING VIRGIN!"

the Fallen

Your ears prick up while washing your plate and it seems, yes, you'd put fucking money on, Ryan is getting a haircut

Great. Monday you'll have to hear all about it.

Glebe

Ryan sneers whenever anything LGBTQ+ is mentioned. His own bisexuality (which came out during a weekend with some trendy model agency folk and a splash of Hugo Boss) is kept well hidden.

the Fallen

RYAN GOES TO the dentist and you can only presume the press have been informed and the wireless clued in and telegrams sent and Telegrams sent thus is the usual hubub at this event.

Glebe

Quote from: the Fallen on January 15, 2022, 06:55:43 PMRYAN GOES TO the dentist and you can only presume the press have been informed and the wireless clued in and telegrams sent and Telegrams sent thus is the usual hubub at this event.

"The root canal was difficult but the adoring crowd awaiting me as I left almost made it worth it! Flowers, the lot!" smiles Ryan. You notice blood on his teeth as he does this.

Glebe

"I hear Josh is leaving, is this true?"

"Yeah Ryan he's got a new job helping adults with learning difficulties."

"HA HA-"

Ryan checks himself.

"Uh ah yeah you're not supposed to laugh at them anymore, forgot."

Glebe

"That Undateables, some of 'em are bloody mingin'!"

"You're no oil painting yourself, Ryan."

"Oh you fucking... you shouldn't have said that you virgin twat! My uncle was in the SAS and he taught me how to kill a man with a single touch!"

Glebe

You're browsing YouTube on your work computer during lunch when you feel a familiar presence beside you.

"Look at him, little computer nerd. On his computer all day. Even when he doesn't have to do it for work."

You're struck by just how sly and nasty Ryan looks as you look up. Vampire fangs you'd never noticed before.

Glebe

"That new girl is very nice."

"Yeah and she has a great pair of tits and all, snort!"

"Oh Ryan!"

"Heh! Seriously though that is a fine set of jubblies."

Glebe

You're chatting away to Ryan when he accidentally does a nervous laugh.

"Just off to the bogs, mate," announces Ryan suddenly.

Ryan in the toilets staring at himself in the mirror above the sink.

"Don't ever embarrass yourself like that again,  mate! Never be nerdy again! Now get back out there and be a prick!"

Glebe

Ryan watches an episode of CSI with an expresso every morning to get himself pumped for the day ahead.

the Fallen

Ryan is finally, at last invited to the Floor Champions' Tuesday morning power hour meeting, even if only to take notes

And you're going to spend the rest of your days hearing all about it

Even though the Floor Champions themselves say he just made a tit of himself.

Glebe

"Come on Boris, you can do it! They'll never make those fifty votes!"

the Fallen

In a moment of weakness, you decide to throw Ryan a bone by allowing your conversation to approach something akin to comradeship by revealing a small something about yourself.

 You've got a crush on HR Rachael, you confide. You're embarrassed to tell him, but what the hell, gotta bond with the guy sometime, you spend 40 hours a week together.

"Haha! You've got a crush! Hey everyone, this idiot fancies that gorgeous new piece in HR! Haha I bet she'd think this is well funny too!"

You would erect your own Belsen by hand and drag Ryan inside, and spend many an hour inflicting great travesties to his person in the short hours he has remaining.

the Fallen

#175
My project launched today and Ryan encountered an unrelated technical issue with the main build, blamed my project in the chat directors can see, then ate up three hours of my personal time giving passive aggressive bullshit to my ultimately successful attempts at resolving it. It took three hours because one of those hours I was in a job interview for a promotion Ryan was not confident enough to go for. Another of those hours was because I felt like being a prick.

It turns out the issue was entirely on Ryan's machine, he trashed our project name unnecessarily - he hadn't cleared his cache which we do routinely with new builds, as using a sort of FTP solution it's the done thing to get builds afresh

And to top the lot, he moaned about the speed of this solution in the Teams chat the directors are in. At this point I should add Ryan is my actual superior, having been there over a year longer.

I posted a summation of the steps to resolve entirely locally, and documented them to boot in our intranet as admittedly it's a time consuming yet necessary step and I think our documentation is weak so I thought I'd take preventative measures, and offered a hand to anyone facing similar issues, which at that point was nobody but Ryan. (One of the art guys later got it, he'd been on holiday, apologised for it and thanked me in this public channel for my guide saying it solved his issue.)

I posted with warm reassurance that our main project indeed was not to blame as we had no other examples and the solution bore this out. There was never any proof, it would have been technically impossible, but the worst thing for me to do is ignore something tied to me.

Ryan, after I fixed his install, followed up this advisory message in the directors chat with: We should take this step every so often I think as best practice.

Mate, you were begging for help for hours because, essentially you downloaded it wrong, a mistake none of 200+ other people managed to do.

Cometh the hour, cometh the Fallen
When you seek a pretender ere is Ryan.

J-man, my soul brother who misses nothing, messaged me with: "Nice try Ryan..." (rolleyes smiley)

Mr Farenheit

Ryan brings in a trophy he has won over the weekend in an arm wrestling competition- Two bronze forearms interlocked on a granite plinth- the whole thing is about a metre long and weighs a ton. The engraved plate shows it to be not just a local competition but the 'World-wide Arm Wrestling Championship'. The championship, which Ryan has won 8 times, doesn't show up in any google searches.