Insufferable Workmate Ryan

[Catalogue of ills]

"You know what we need?" says Ryan in earshot of management. "An office song!". Later, he tells everyone it was you who suggested this.

[the Fallen]

Ryan complains that he's overlooked all the time despite his seniority. He's been on the team months now!

Both Floor Champions are off on their jollies so Ryan has to remind the Aviva crew about doing their timesheets before the xmas break. Basically the main task the Floor Champions have, and mutually beneficial. Barely anybody needs reminding to do the one task that ensures they get paid.

"I shouldn't have to do this," Ryan fumes. And literally stamps his feet! Heavens to Betsy.

Then forgets to do his own Aviva timesheet. End January is a long ways off..

[the Fallen]

Ryan does an unflushable floater in a urinal

[the Fallen]

Ryan asks what you're doing this Xmas, attempting to make a foray at seeming genuine and sweet for a change.

"Aren't you going to ask me what I'm doing?"

No, Ryan. That is not a matter of concern

[Catalogue of ills]

Ryan wants to know what you think of Gemma in Comms.

"Gemma? Yeah, really good at her job, reckon she'll go far"

Ryan replies that she's No. 1 in his wank bank right now. "Mad cumz"

[frajer]

Ryan decides to slap the "golden handcuffs" on himself and go full time. He writes you in as his character reference and says that if you do him this solid, he won't do this solid on your car windshield (while baring his arse and pointing to the turd poking out from therein).

[Glebe]

"Morning Ryan! Good night last night? I heard you went-"

"No mate I have been promoted and you must now call me 'Sir'. My social life is now none of your business. If you wish to communicate with me talk to my secretary."

[frajer]

"Morning Ryan! Good night last night? I heard you went-"

"No mate I have been promoted and you must now call me 'Sir'. My social life is now none of your business. If you wish to communicate with me talk to my secretary."

"Who I am, as you can imagine, shagging the arse off of. You are mandatorily invited to watch said shag via Zoom at 4pm."

[Glebe]

"Who I am, as you can imagine, shagging the arse off of. You are mandatorily invited to watch said shag via Zoom at 4pm."

"Nah, on second thoughts mate y'not cool enough. By the way, got any more of that strong skunk? If not don't talk to me you pleb."

[the Fallen]

Kim has joined the Aviva sales team.

She knows Ryan from way back

But she never goes to him when she needs help

[Glebe]

Kim has joined the Aviva sales team.

She knows Ryan from way back

But she never goes to him when she needs help

"Now that's a woman! She never smiles!"

[the Fallen]

Ryan thinks the Floor Champions talk and joke about him behind his back

He is so right

[the Fallen]

Ryan is a doss prick

[frajer]

Ryan offers to buy you a frothy coffee. You have learned to decline.

[Pink Gregory]

Ryan has 'signed up to an Iron Man'.  It becomes apparent that Ryan doesn't entirely know what this entails, and has retreated to the bogs in embarrassment.

[frajer]

Ryan has 'signed up to an Iron Man'.  It becomes apparent that Ryan doesn't entirely know what this entails, and has retreated to the bogs in embarrassment.

You hear him making frantic calls from the next stall. "What do you mean no refunds? What the fuck am I meant to do with a screen accurate Iron Man suit? Yeah of course I'll look cool as shit but that's not the point."

[Glebe]

Ryan spends his Saturday laughing at LARPers.

[the Fallen]

Ryan's manning the company twitter on Xmas eve.

He hopes Aviva don't find out

[frajer]

Ryan asks to piggyback on your Disney+ account on a long-term basis. When you ask why he gives a theatrical sigh and shouts "If you don't want to be a good bloke, just say that."

[the Fallen]

Ryan spends his Saturday laughing at LARPers.

Sunday through Friday they're LARPing as him

"Woo I'm Ryan! Look at me with my big head and general air of incompetence!" (holds up imaginary handbag and does a silly walk, then fucks up a sale)

[Glebe]

Ryan's favourite period was the laddish '90s. "Not the early bit though with all them grunge fags. The mid-late '90s, shouting lager lager lager!"

[frajer]

Ryan's favourite period was the laddish '90s. "Not the early bit though with all them grunge fags. The mid-late '90s, shouting lager lager lager!"

Ryan's email footer includes the entire lyrics to Fat Les 'Vindaloo'

[Glebe]

Ryan's email footer includes the entire lyrics to Fat Les 'Vindaloo'

"Real 'fuck you' to them Pakistanis, that!"

[the Fallen]

Ryan plays a Doom level based on the Aviva office

In tears, he gets slain by a Manc Andy

[the Fallen]

Ryan makes his Aviva colleagues in the Sims

They won't drown nor date him

Ryan keeps playing

[the Fallen]

Ryan flies over the Aviva office in Microsoft Flight Simulator alone on christmas day morning in between checkings of his phone for nothing whatsoever not even a perfunctory seasonal chain template

[the Fallen]

Ryan lurks Teams invisible over christmas dinner even though his mum clucks and tuts and harries to join the table here in tangible rotten reality it's only polite to put the phone down Ryan

[the Fallen]

Ryan can't stop talking about his colleagues because he's in love with them Ryan's little sister cackles then here come the tears

[the Fallen]

Ryan shows a deft flair for bellicose stark narrative and situations mythical in his uproarious curriculum vitae which you edit in at the bottom in white comic sans I DENY THE COVID 19 HOAX ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT IT to keep him at Aviva

[Glebe]

"Listen mate we've got each other in the office Christmas gift thing, I'm sure you won't mind if I don't get you anything, there's a good chap. Please feel free to get me something though. Bottle of champers, hint hint."