Cook'd and Bomb'd

Forums => H.S. Art => Topic started by: Glebe on October 05, 2020, 12:11:42 PM

Title: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 05, 2020, 12:11:42 PM
David Dickenson describes Ainsley Harriot as "dusky".

David Dickenson loudly disproves of the Irish family that have moved in down the road, as he doesn't like their "ways".

David Dickenson spends a week in Marbella with Peter Ebdon.

David Dickenson sets the DVR for Michael Portillo's Great British Railway Journeys but he records Home and Away by accident. "Buggering bloody thing," he complains to the cat.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 05, 2020, 02:16:11 PM
David Dickinson describes a mediocre pub carvery as a "real bobbydazzler" to a disinterested barman.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: batwings on October 05, 2020, 02:42:23 PM
David Dickinson sleepwalks in a circle on his moonlit back lawn, punching at ghosts.

David Dickinson shouts abuse at a nun outside a Post Office while passing in his Range Rover. 'Orange Man Bad!' he cheerfully says to his reflection in the rear view mirror  before driving on, thrilled.

David Dickinson makes a deal with God during a difficult poo.


Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 05, 2020, 02:55:24 PM
David Dickenson shoves a bag of potatoes under the stairs and thinks about immigrants.

David Dickinson describes a depressing, anodyne restaurant in a bland village as "as close to ye olden days as one could get!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: bgmnts on October 05, 2020, 02:58:09 PM
David Dickinson cheers on Azerbaijan bombings.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Lordofthefiles on October 05, 2020, 02:58:16 PM
"DAVID DICK-IN-SON" says The Sun's headline as Operation Yewtree Two swings into action.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: frajer on October 05, 2020, 03:37:11 PM
David Dickinson auditions to be the next Bond.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: touchingcloth on October 05, 2020, 04:16:32 PM
This is a bit off topic for HS Art, but I know someone who worked on Bargain Hunt but with Tim Wonnacott rather than Dickenson as host, and apparently on one particularly long shooting day he shouted to the producer and accused them of “working me like a black”.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 05, 2020, 04:25:33 PM
David Dickinson unsuccessfully haggles for an ex-display BILLY bookcase in IKEA Tottenham.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 05, 2020, 04:33:12 PM
A drunken David Dickinson phones Eric Knowles at 3am and growls at him to "grow your nonce 'tache back, you ceramics poof".
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: touchingcloth on October 05, 2020, 04:36:59 PM
Both having burned through the vast majority of their TV money, Tim Wonnacott suffers a breakdown while attempting to stain Dickenson’s skin with a used teabag in lieu of the now unaffordable fake tan and accuses him of working him like a black.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 05, 2020, 04:39:20 PM
David Dickinson bemoans not winning a BBC Writers Room scheme to discover unheard BAME voices.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: touchingcloth on October 05, 2020, 05:00:18 PM
He doesn’t realise it at the time, but David Dickenson has what will be his last wank.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 05, 2020, 05:30:48 PM
David Dickinson attempts to order an 8oz fillet steak at the McDonald's Drive Thru.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 05, 2020, 05:50:42 PM
Hello David Dickinson here, and when I say Dickinson, I mean Dick In...

... Dog.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: touchingcloth on October 05, 2020, 06:10:58 PM
An administrative error leads to David Dickenson being booked for a wealthy child’s 5th birthday party instead of Dick & Dom.

No smiles were seen and no young abuses went un-raped that day.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 05, 2020, 09:04:21 PM
David Dickinson orders some labels off Ebay and starts swapping the price tickets in Aldi for his own homemade forgeries.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 05, 2020, 09:05:45 PM
Having caused a huge fuss at the checkout, the manager apologises and honours the “misprints”, but David Dickinson still tries to haggle another £15 off the bill.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 05, 2020, 09:10:04 PM
David Dickinson assures the arresting officer that he’s heard of neither the eBay seller labelz4u nor the PayPal account bobbydazzler69@gmail.com.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: pancreas on October 05, 2020, 09:26:03 PM
Is David Dickinson the same thing as Ian McShane?
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 05, 2020, 09:41:14 PM
David Dickenson criticizes Trump's skin tone, the hypocritical cunt.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: famethrowa on October 05, 2020, 10:29:27 PM
David Dickinson attempts a little humour as he hands over £20 for a plastic bag of dubious street contraband. "YOU ARE DEALING WITH DICKINSON" he says with a wry smile. "Fuckin what?" says the tracksuited youth. "Er nothing" comes the reply.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on October 05, 2020, 10:42:13 PM
David Dickinson argues with some meff on the internet who keeps on purposely misspelling his surname.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 05, 2020, 10:43:39 PM
David Dickinson invents a mascot called Dicky the Duck for his new charity, Kids Who Want to Send 'Em Back Where They Came From.

David Dickinson argues with some meff on the internet who keeps on purposely misspelling his surname.

Er... yes, I purposely misspelled it. Now I will purposely spell it right.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on October 05, 2020, 10:58:57 PM
Good lad, Gleb.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 05, 2020, 11:04:39 PM
Good lad, Gleb.

Dickinson is still not satisfied. "That blue forum me weird nephew does be on should be shut down!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Hand Solo on October 05, 2020, 11:27:56 PM
David Dickinson during a bout of depression and mid-day drinking emerges dazed and confused from the King Henry pub famished and enters a village tea-room looking for 'cheap ass chips'. After an argument with proprietor he gets up from his table and drops his trousers revealing his carrot chroma cock before shouting at patrons "Look at that for a Bobby Dazzler! I'm fucking Lovejoy y'know?! I'm a multi-millionaire, I'll buy this place and install a fucking auction in here, liven all your stiffs up a bit! Where's Tinker??" After being picked up by his embarrassed wife she goes and sulks up a hill.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 06, 2020, 12:07:14 AM
^Heh, The King Henry pub sounds just like his favourite watering hole!

David Dickinson invites a business friend to a local charity 'barn dance'. "I know y'single at the moment Jim, there'll be plenty of tarts there! Country girls around here, they're simple, you'll be fighting them off with a shitty stick after a couple of glasses of Jemima's famous punch!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Bum Flaps on October 06, 2020, 12:12:40 AM
Dickinson practices leering over his nose-end-perched glasses in the bathroom mirror of his windswept static caravan.
Title: Re: David Dickinson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 06, 2020, 12:27:55 AM
David Dickinson buys another hunting scene painting to add to the many already adorning the walls of his stately cottage.

David Dickinson thwacks a mouse with a copy of Country Life. "That's got 'im, the little nazi!"

"They never got me on that tax thing, Tom," chuckles David Dickinson over a glass of brandy with a business associate down The Tipsy Titfer.

David Dickinson plays golf with Michael Grade then goes for a Sunday brunch in Staffordshire.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Ptolemy Ptarmigan on October 06, 2020, 12:59:10 AM
David Dickinson orders a bag of chips and realises he's £2.20 short.

On his way out he asks if he can have a free wifi.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 06, 2020, 04:01:52 AM
David Dickinson pops into The Naughty Monk for a swift half, proudly sporting his new gold chain. "That's 24 carat, that is! 24 carat!"

David Dickinson takes a stroll around Devonshire with Nigel Farage, the two men enjoying a long discussion revolving around their shared hatred of wind farms.

David Dickinson goes into his local Sainsbury's wearing a customized union jack flag as a face mask. "Best of British and proud," Jamaican girl!" he winks to a young lady on a cash register.

David Dickinson hosts a special 'Pride of Yorkshire' event, with games, prizes and the chance of an exclusive photo opportunity with David costing a mere £100 (10p of each transaction will go to benefit Yorkshire cats).

David Dickinson criticizes this generation as "lazy" in an exclusive interview with The Sun. "Pandemic or no pandemic, kids nowadays are a fecund lot! Bring back conscription!"

David Dickinson gets involved with a local homeless charity, but only so as he can embezzle funds from it. "Carry the one, take off the commission... and I make a profit of fifty pounds!"

"Oh look what you've done now, you clumsy girl!" cries David Dickinson. "I'm sorry Mr. Dickinson, I'll get you another one." David Dickinson is seriously considering never coming to this restaurant again. "It's always that foreign one!"

David Dickinson pauses the VHS tape of Treasure Hunt and undoes his slacks. "There we go, Anneka, right on that arse shot," he hisses as he starts to masturbate.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: batwings on October 06, 2020, 01:32:37 PM
David Dickinson strips to the waist and boxes his reflection to train for his annual bare fisted brawl with Dickie Davies, to be held this year in a Devon pub cellar.

David Dickinson slams an old suit button into the coin slot of the charity box on the chippy counter before moonwalking out through the doorway with his saveloy and chips.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Hand Solo on October 06, 2020, 03:21:31 PM
During a Covid downturn in auctioneering profits David Dickinson, Phil Martin and Tim Wonnacott form an ill-advised erotic dance troupe called The Chippendales for some quick cash in the pragmatic, but due to the possibility of legal action from a similarly named group and the sudden implementation of government health-restrictions have to alter their act to remaining completely motionless on-stage 2 metres apart while the French polisher from the Yellow Pages ad comes on in a face-mask and rubs lacquer into their crevices. Their tour of Norther bingo halls is cut short 3 weeks in through lack of interest and David is found unconscious on his dressing-room floor after accidentally drinking a bottle of Pledge in a drunken haze.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: touchingcloth on October 06, 2020, 03:44:12 PM
David Dickinson values Gamergate at £5.50 but tells you excitedly that if the right buyers are in the room a bidding war could drive things up to over £15.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: frajer on October 06, 2020, 03:45:26 PM
David Dickinson tries to high-five Chris Rock but gets left hanging.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Chollis on October 06, 2020, 03:59:28 PM
David Dickinson gets glassed outside a Little Chef.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Hand Solo on October 06, 2020, 04:04:14 PM
The wife's out and "While the cat's away the vice will play," David smirks to himself as he slowly unzips his tweed trousers and reaches for the Brasso and his hidden copy of `Homos & Antiques' magazine.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 06, 2020, 04:07:10 PM
David Dickinson will not work with Vicki Michelle under any circumstances.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: touchingcloth on October 06, 2020, 04:18:44 PM
David Dickinson tells you that when he was your age he used to have "hand shandies coming out my arse".
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: frajer on October 06, 2020, 04:21:30 PM
David Dickinson rebrands himself as Legend Dicko and no-one bothers to update his wiki entry.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on October 06, 2020, 04:52:54 PM
David Dickinson sits alone in his underpants, eating a bowl of chicken flavour super noodles and wondering why he's not on television anymore.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: touchingcloth on October 06, 2020, 07:34:09 PM
David Dickinson and Bear Grylls spend "the most enjoyable afternoon in yonks" comparing collections of Baden-Powell nonce apparatus.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 06, 2020, 08:04:56 PM
David Dickinson often checks into hotels under the name 'Robert Dazzler'.

David Dickinson calls some local Chinese schoolchildren "the chinky-winkies".

David Dickinson always makes sure that his cuffs are sharp and his wrists are lithe before leaving the house. Oh, and a fresh scarlet handkerchief must always decorate the pocket.

David Dickinson drives his new Merc up to The Tiddley Toad and does jazz hands at everyone drinking outside. "Ta-da! Look at that paintjob, she's smashing!"

David Dickinson flashes his new Rolex while his wife peruses the perfume counter at new local shopping mall, 'Foreverblooms'.

David Dickinson dubs a local Pakistani man "The Thieving Terrorist" after his birdfeeder goes missing from the garden.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 07, 2020, 04:32:37 AM
A drunk David Dickinson describes a woman's breasts as "jiggling jollies!" down the pub.

David Dickinson's wife buys him a shirt with blue pinstripes. "That's a real Bobby Dazzler!" he spouts in response.

David Dickinson only wears mustard-coloured waistcoats.

David Dickinson has always harboured a strong dislike of Martin Bashir. "And not just because of his intrusive interviews. There's just something about him!"

David Dickinson goes on lads-night-out with Peter Stringfellow in 1993 in Salford.

David Dickinson describes his favourite drink, champagne, as "lovely bubbly".
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 07, 2020, 05:36:49 PM
David Dickinson eats a monkey in a restaurant in Azerbaijan.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 07, 2020, 09:40:11 PM
"That's the thing about Poundstretcher, y'get what y'pay for. Cheap as chips!" Says David Dickinson.

David Dickinson's wife gifts him nasal tweezers as an anniversary memento. "Best. Present. Ever!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 07, 2020, 10:18:10 PM
David Dickinson refuses to film an episode of Real Deal in Glasgow. “They know what they’ve done” he snarls.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 07, 2020, 11:06:23 PM
This is a bit off topic for HS Art, but I know someone who worked on Bargain Hunt but with Tim Wonnacott rather than Dickenson as host, and apparently on one particularly long shooting day he shouted to the producer and accused them of “working me like a black”.

Fiona Bruce was filming Antiques Roadshow nearby and, overhearing Wonnacott's remark, promptly reprimanded him. "Sorry Fiona, you're right," he admitted. "I meant to say that they're working us all like blacks."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 08, 2020, 05:26:38 PM
David Dickinson teams up with Tim Wonnacott to stage an NWO vs. WCW-style invasion of Bargain Hunt during which Eric Knowles and Anita Manning are both hospitalised.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 08, 2020, 10:10:21 PM
David Dickenson and his wife organize a dinner party. The guest list: David Icke, Nick Knowles, Chris Tarrant, Noseybonk, Carol Vorderman, Nigel Lythgoe, Anne Widdecombe, Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 09, 2020, 04:06:29 AM
David Dickinson polishes off a full packet of Viscount biscuits with a cuppa whilst watching Pointless. Doesn't seem like deso, but look closer; he's naked from the waist down.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 09, 2020, 08:14:56 AM
David Dickinson earns a tasty tenner at the local jumble sale.

David Dickinson finds a crisp fiver on a path in Timperley. "I'm 'avin that," he tells himself, pocketing his fortuitous discovery.

David Dickinson's mate Gorgeous George refuses to lend him a pound for the toll booth. "You're tighter than Rod Stewart, you are, George."

David Dickinson sends Nigel Mansell a Hot Wheels racing car, "for a wheeze! Nigel's got a great sense of humour, he'll get it!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on October 09, 2020, 11:17:50 AM
David Dickinson prays nightly for the peaceful death of Donald Trump so he can skin the corpse and use it as a spare.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 09, 2020, 11:30:11 AM
David Dickinson drives his Bentley to the local off-licence to pick out a fine wine for this evening's beanfeast.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on October 09, 2020, 02:38:34 PM
David Dickinson markets his semen as a "moisturising bronzer". £1 per ml
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 09, 2020, 02:50:13 PM
David Dickinson plugs his Internet cable into the phone line and searches for 'ebay antiques' on "the Yahoo!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: batwings on October 10, 2020, 09:24:08 AM
David Dickinson proudly plonks a Barely Legal magazine down on the newsagent's counter. Tapping his nose, he exclaims "I'm not only into antiques, you know!".


Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 11, 2020, 12:21:17 AM
David Dickinson proudly plonks a Barely Legal magazine down on the newsagent's counter. Tapping his nose, he exclaims "I'm not only into antiques, you know!".

"Oh sod it, I'll have a Reader's Wives and all!" chuckles David Dickinson, the naughty chap!

David Dickinson takes his chips with curry sauce back to the takeaway, complaining that "the curry sauce is too watery!" They give him chips with garlic sauce instead, which he accepts with a grunt. "Fucking breath on him, he must have been on one of his legendary pub crawls again!" quips a staff member.

David Dickinson chews the fat with a local councillor over proposals for the building of a recycling plant near his home. "These hippies want to take over the world, but they don't take us normal folk into consideration!"

David Dickinson recalls childhood trips to Scarborough, the journey there enhanced by The Beano, fizzy pop and a Tunnock's Carmel Wafer or two!
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 11, 2020, 05:40:22 AM
David Dickinson takes his chips with curry sauce back to the takeaway, complaining that "the curry sauce is too watery!" They give him chips with garlic sauce instead, which he accepts with a grunt. "Fucking breath on him, he must have been on one of his legendary pub crawls again!" quips a staff member.

David Dickinson stumbles back into the takeaway five minutes later. "And I'll tell yeh something else, these aren't the cheapest chips I ever bought neither!"

David Dickinson offers a lift to a young lady at the side of the road. "I don't normally approve of hitch-hikers, but when they're as pretty as you..."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 12, 2020, 10:55:38 AM
David Dickinson loves telling blue jokes to his mates down the pub. "Have you heard the one about the female presenter and the assistant director? Oh wait better not, that's based on a real incident I think."

David Dickinson has every issue of Homes & Gardens published thus far. "They'll never go on eBay, I've promised them to my children. In lieu of a share of my substantial cash fortune. That's going to an anti-immigration charity of my choice."

David Dickinson is having trouble with a vending machine in his local baths. "Bloody modern technology! All I want is a single Cadbury's Snack, but this blooming things eaten a fiver in change already!"

David Dickinson's favourite dinner is "anything cod" in the Birds Eye range.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on October 12, 2020, 12:32:11 PM
David Dickinson provocatively plants a yew tree in his front garden.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on October 12, 2020, 01:15:48 PM
News - David Dickinson to appear on Celebrity Cumswap
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 13, 2020, 03:51:20 AM
David Dickinson gets his nephew to Photoshop his orange head onto a muscley man. "Absolutely hilarious!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on October 13, 2020, 08:16:33 AM
David Dickinson executes a garden centre shop girl with a spade for calling him "Mr Dickson" one too many times
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 13, 2020, 11:09:04 AM
"Hello and welcome to Antiques Roadshow, with me, Fiona Bruce. We're here in sunny Droitwich, and what a day it is! Now over to Eric Knowles, who's got an interesting find!"

"I'm here with George from Worcester. Now George, what we've got here is a lovely old Rupert the Bear teddy, and-"

"Can ah jus' stop y'there, Eric," it's David Dickinson, "because that is obviously quite a valuable find, and I mus' offer my advice to George. Now George, if you choose to sell this, I would recommend going to an independent evaluator, and-"

"David, what are you doing? You're not part of the AR team! You're not even on telly anymore!"

"Oh give over, Eric, I'm an expert! Oh here comes Musses Bruce herself!"

"David, please leave the set. There's rumour about that we're going to be cancelled, and having you gatecrash proceedings is not going to help!"

"Oh sod off, Fiona. Ah fuck it, I'll leave. You lot are no fun anymore! TAXI!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2020, 10:26:32 AM
David Dickinson calls Flog It! presenter Paul Martin "a closet puff!" by way of a joke. Martin takes it in good humour, but bespectacled Welsh expert Mark Stacey reprimands Dickinson at a coffee shop later.

In 1990, David Dickinson and Paul Daniels engaged in a heated debate outside Stringfellows on Saturday night. Dickinson eventually calmed down when Daniels gave him his expensive old watch as a peace offering. However, as soon as Daniels and the lovely Debbie McGee were in their taxi, the watch simply vanished - and that's magic!
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: batwings on October 14, 2020, 11:29:39 AM
After Darren Grimes badly twists an ankle on the ladder to David Dickinson's loft,  he decides to do all subsequent episodes of his new podcast, Fash In The Attic, from his garage and just lie about it.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2020, 11:41:35 AM
David Dickinson gives Joe Swash a fiver to wash his Roller. "He's fucking desperate since his star went on the wane," Dickinson tells his wife as he watches Swash through the kitchen window. "Mind you, I've got off the boil meself in recent years. Still, I will never stoop to washing a car for a fiver."

David Dickinson pops down the shops for a Racing Post and a takeaway coffee.

The Groucho Club, 2004. "Once again, we're being slave-driven like darkies by the director, David!" Tim Wonnacott tells David Dickinson. "You're at it again, Tim! Go on, have another drink, and mind y'language, Lenny Henry's just come in!"

David Dickinson's stamp collection has been valued at £2000.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: batwings on October 14, 2020, 12:17:14 PM
David Dickinson harangues all the people leaving Sainsburys. “They died so you could shop as free people, you ungrateful sods! The least you could do is wear a blooming poppy!” He bellows. Eventually he is moved on. As he plods towards his Triumph Stag his phone is already buzzing. His ranting is going viral. On the drive home he suddenly realises its April. Oh, you fool. Not again
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2020, 06:57:01 PM
"Shake my hand! Oh wait no the covid."

David Dickinson.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2020, 01:43:35 PM
David Dickinson's hide is made of something like cheese rind, and has a sell-by date of 1/1/2004.

David Dickinson's idea of paradise? "Enjoying a plate of cream eclairs whilst watching a hunt take place in the Cotswolds. Simply magic."

David Dickinson's favourite film is The French Lieutenant's Woman. "Saw it when it fist came out in Piccadilly Circus with my good friend Chris de Burgh. Streep and Irons attempt to out-act each other throughout, and the cinematography is smashing. Afterwards, meself and Chris went for a pint and I'm not ashamed to say I cried at the bar remembering the scenes we had just witnessed."

David Dickinson nearly kills a flock of sheep in his Land Rover. "They wouldn't fucking move, don't make me feel guilty," he tells the wife.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2020, 08:45:35 PM
David Dickinson sacrifices a toad atop a nearby escarpment at midnight. "That's another ten fucking years of life for me!"

David Dickinson pisses in a butcher's doorway at 2AM. "I'm halfway between the pub and home and I can't hold on," he explains to some passing Mormons.

David Dickinson takes legal action against new neighbour Nigel Kennedy over a bush that is "encroaching on my driveway".

David Dickinson stands atop his local town hall and sings 'Rule Britannia' at the top of his asbestos lungs.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on October 15, 2020, 09:54:45 PM
David Dickinson's skin isn't that colour from the tanning salon, it's from the 60,000 Dunhill he stashed in 1978 that he's been puffing away at ever since.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2020, 10:02:50 PM
David Dickinson interrupts a couple enjoying a drink in the pub. "If I can just step in here, because that ring your lady friend is wearing looks very valuable. I would suggest getting it evaluted by a jewelry expert, which I can arrange for. Or you can take the £1.49 I'm offering you for it now, it's your choice."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: batwings on October 15, 2020, 10:05:34 PM
David Dickinson does an emergency poo in a lay by, using the pages of a samurai sword catalogue as ad hoc loo paper.

David Dickinson has a dream about Mary Berry baking shortbread in just an apron and heels in his kitchen. He awakens, alone, and lays still for a while, hugging a pillow,  one eye closed, the other watching a daddy long legs flit around on the ceiling.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: touchingcloth on October 15, 2020, 10:52:12 PM
David Dickenson turns out to be just a manifestation of collective insanity. Psychologists do their most groundbreaking work since the days of Freud, but the main thing is this: David never existed.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2020, 10:21:41 AM
David Dickinson calls unleaded petrol "the new age fad".

David Dickinson and his wife invite Jilly Cooper over for afternoon tea in the garden. "Can't make it loves, I'm very busy this afternoon, soz!" Dickinson shakes his head as his wife puts the phone down. "You know she's sitting in front of Jeremy Kyle with a can of cider, don't you? Don't be so naïve, Ada!"

David Dickinson goes fishing in Stockport with Nick Owen. "I'll tell you what Nick, even the tiddlers ain't biting today!"

David Dickinson reads all of The Mail on Sunday - even the cartoons supplement - in one marathon, three-hour session in the kitchen.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 16, 2020, 12:57:45 PM
David Dickinson attempts to sell an Atari Jaguar at Sothebys.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: poo on October 16, 2020, 12:59:36 PM
David Dickinson eats a monkey in a restaurant in Azerbaijan.

Just bingeing this thread over lunch and and almost spat my Walkers Roast Chicken out at this.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2020, 01:02:42 PM
Just bingeing this thread over lunch and and almost spat my Walkers Roast Chicken out at this.

Heh! Thanks poo!

David Dickinson has a fetish for Dyson vacuum cleaners. "Er, I'm just off to the shopping centre, love! Won't be long!" Ada Dickinson is suspicious. "Again, David? That's the third time this week! Just don't bring back another hoover!" "Can't promise anything love! Can't promise anything!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on October 16, 2020, 02:11:50 PM
On his way back from a long session at the Queen's Arms, David Dickinson pushes his soiled underwear into his neighbour's car exhaust. "Let your dog bark at night, will you?" he mutters before collapsing into a rhododendron.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 16, 2020, 04:50:59 PM
David Dickinson does an emergency poo in a lay by, using the pages of a samurai sword catalogue as ad hoc loo paper.

Tremendous effort.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2020, 05:37:23 PM
David Dickinson is chatting with his mates about old TV programmes down the pub. "I always fucking hated that Rentaghost," opines David Dickinson. "They were all woofters, them lot."

David Dickinson and Jim Davidson eye each other hatefully across a traffic lane. There's a history there. There's a history there.

David Dickinson once refused Floella Benjamin a seat at his table in the BBC canteen. "Not because, y'know, bigotry, but because she has terrible manners."

David Dickinson finally admits that President Trump is bad for the US. "I like his style, but he's a losing horse now."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Cuellar on October 16, 2020, 08:05:43 PM
David Dickinson roars with laughter at rotary club fuckraffle.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2020, 08:11:55 PM
David Dickinson's favourite animal is the pangolin. "They're funny little fellows, I kinda relate to them!"

That's not really deso. Okay then, he is sexually attracted to pangolins or summit.

David Dickinson gets the wife to scrub the latest graffiti off the front wall. "Little bastards... David 'Dickheadson', talk about unoriginal. I got that all the time at ITV."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: batwings on October 16, 2020, 08:29:54 PM
Bruce Forsyth calls David Dickinson a “Cuprinol cunt” via a Ouija board.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: pancreas on October 17, 2020, 12:06:24 AM
David Dickinson attempts to sell an Atari Jaguar at Sothebys.

+1
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 17, 2020, 12:34:11 PM
David Dickinson has a bit of juicy goss to share with the post office queue. "Come 'ere you lot, I just saw that bloke who played the puff German in 'Allo, 'Allo! getting out of a Land Rover beside Starbucks! With me and Bonnie Langford already living here, it's going to be like Los Angles if he moves local!"

David Dickinson can't wait for the next local residents' GM, when he will try to discern who's dog muck has been fouling his garden.

A scruffy looking man in an anorak calls at David Dickinson's door. "Hello, we're trying to get enough people together to stop them bulldozing through a local protected forest. We can stop them if we all band together!" David Dickinson's face looks stony, sour. "Not if I can help it, mate." Slams door in face.

"Tally ho!" David Dickinson enjoys watching a fox being ripped to shreds of a Friday. "That's another load of chickens saved!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 17, 2020, 01:39:47 PM
David Dickinson runs out of toilet paper and spends ten grand on one of William Hartnell’s Doctor Who wigs at auction to use as a washable substitute.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 17, 2020, 01:41:14 PM
David Dickinson runs out of toilet paper and spends ten grand on one of William Hartnell’s Doctor Who wigs at auction to use as a washable substitute.

"You've got to show 'em your not short of cash!" David Dickinson tells his wife as he disposes of the shitty wig in the full glare of the media.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on October 17, 2020, 04:14:01 PM
'Lorne Spicer'

'Helloo Lorne, it's David!'

'David who?'

'Heh, David Dickinson of course, you little joker'

'What is it, David?'

'Well now, Ada is off an a spa weekend - in Buxton, imagine! - and so I've made up the bed at the top of the house and thought you might want to come over, because I feel like a bit of Gash in the Att..'

'Fuck off David. Do this again and I'm calling the police"

Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 18, 2020, 11:34:19 AM
"I'll only eat Planter's Peanuts," David Dickinson explains to a barman, "If it's not Planter's I ain't interested. KP can swivel!"

David Dickinson goes on anti-depressants because his garden roses aren't blooming. "I don't even suffer from clinical depression, but I just need a pick-me-up after the roses calamity!"

David Dickinson lends Kevin McCloud a fiver during a trip to Margate. "But I want that back Kevin, with interest if it's not paid within six weeks!"

David Dickinson takes a walk around Bournemouth, stopping to look out to sea and consider the meaning of it all. "Sigh. Why are we here? What's it all about?" he asks himself. Then he buys a 99 cone and has a cheeky wank behind a bus shelter.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: batwings on October 18, 2020, 01:16:19 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/mqxEndK.png)
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 18, 2020, 01:46:44 PM
^Fantastics, Bats!

David Dickinson believes that when he eventually passes on, his spirit will "haunt the nooks and crannies of Britain's many and wonderous auction rooms, from Land's End to John o' Groats!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: poo on October 18, 2020, 10:13:10 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/mqxEndK.png)

laughed
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 19, 2020, 01:28:50 AM
David Dickinson has a particular hatred of Arlene Phillips. "I just cannot stand that woman," he crows. "She's a liar, a cheat and a feminist."

David Dickinson's favourite 'alternative' comedian is Joe Pasquale.

David Dickinson describes Frank Bruno as having "the mind of a child".

David Dickinson decides to lay off the All Bran for awhile. "One of these days I'll do meself a mischief - and probably at the most inconvenient moment! By which I mean I could cack meself at an auction."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 19, 2020, 04:21:43 PM
David Dickinson gets "a little bit tiddly" and shags a barmaid behind the pub bins, "for a small fee. She insisted she keep her eyes closed too. Wife was all embarrassed about it... again!" *rolls eyes*

David Dickinson polishes off an entire packet of Tesco custard creams during a Homes Under the Hammer binge.

David Dickinson's favourite beer is Carling Black Label. "It has a smooth finish that 'snooty' brands such as Kroonenberg cannot match."

David Dickinson splashes out on a jacuzzi for the patio. "We'll have a naughty 'naked' night in there, just the wife and I, John!" he tells his mate John over a pint. "Although you and Felicity are perfectly welcome to join in... if you're up for it?"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 20, 2020, 01:15:04 PM
David Dickinson gets his new assistant to help him carry the body of a man who refused to sell him a rare and valuable clock into the woods. "It's not all wine and roses in the antiques trade, young Jim! Now pass me that hacksaw. Then go and get the shovel."

David Dickinson forms a flute trio called The Piper's Three. "We do Wednesday and Friday nights in The Expectant Badger, always a good crowd and I buy a round on the house if anyone asks for 'The Sound of Silence'!"

David Dickinson looks disdainfully at a group of goth metallers hanging around outside a late night bar. "We could do without their sort ruining the area, selling drugs and being weird!"

David Dickinson is in good form, as the wife has packed a Crunchie in his lunch box.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 21, 2020, 11:59:18 AM
"Martin, Wonnacott, Knowles, Stacey... none of 'em can hold a candle to me, mate. None of 'em," David Dickinson tells an empty wine bottle.

David Dickinson has never forgiven "the Argies" for attempting to reclaim the Falklands. "The absolute cheek, to try and steal Her Majesties land... you rouse the British Bulldog, it bites, mate. It bites!"

David Dickinson has no problem buying "sweat shop clothing. You're giving 'em money, so why feel guilty? They might not see a penny of it but that's not my problem. Let the dusty countries sort themselves out."

David Dickinson has a temper tantrum because his wife has finished off the last of the Kia Ora. "I'm sorry love, but you know I don't drink owt else from the fridge. Milk in tea, yes, but never straight!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 21, 2020, 06:28:04 PM
David Dickinson shaves the moustache he has been trying out when everyone starts mistaking him for a jaundiced Bob Carolgees.

David Dickinson is so excited about Opal Fruits making a comeback that he rings up his local wholesaler and pre-orders a gross there and then. His joy dissipates slightly when he learns it is only a 'limited edition' thing. "Back to reality, I guess," he sighs. "Fucking Starburst!"

David Dickinson rings Charles Dance and ask him and his wife over for dinner. 'Cant makk it filming a new gam of thrones', Dance texts back. "The lying get," Dickinson rages, "that fucking sword and sorcery nonsense is finished, innit?"

David Dickinson pops into Aldi and buys two cans of hairspray. "Cheap as chips, and just as good as the expensive brands!" he chirps to his wife in the car.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 21, 2020, 06:30:32 PM
DD buys a “flying” carpet from eBay and can’t wait for it to arrive!

”Up above the trees and houses...” he hums as he eagerly watches the letterbox.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 22, 2020, 02:13:26 PM
David Dickinson describes a broken old fortune watch as "absolute bobbins".

David Dickinson invites Kirsty Allsopp to lunch at a local cafe, to "discuss some kind of project or other. We'll go Dutch Kirsty, just don't mention it to my wife or she'll think we're having affair! Do you want to have an affair with me, by the way? Please?! I'm begging you!"

David Dickinson buys an expensive Suzuki motorbike, but it just sits in the garage gathering dust. "I'll get lessons eventually... not that I'm nervous about riding it! In the meantime, I'll practice the 'biker' look with me new leather jacket!" Ada Dickinson just smiles kindly and let's her husband get on with his late-life crisis.

David Dickinson auctions off all load of saucy seaside postcards Ronnie Barker gave him in the '80s. "The proceeds will go towards the coal fuel generator I've been pestering the council to build. That'll put the wind up young Thunberg and that global warming lot!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on October 22, 2020, 08:56:24 PM
David Dickinson's head falls off, for absolutely no reason.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 24, 2020, 05:07:29 PM
"Ada, Ada, come quick, come quick!"

Mrs. Dickinson runs out to the garden in a state of panic. "What is it, David?"

"Look love, it's a magpie! That's good luck!"

"No David, two magpie's is good luck... you know, 'One for sorrow, two for joy...'"

"Oh shit. Shit. Can't see a second nearby."

David Dickinson decides to just stamp the bird to bits.

****

David Dickinson argues that the British antiques industry has "come on in leaps and bounds" in regard to social progress over the years. "There was a time in the '70s were we didn't accept women, let alone the fuzzie-wuzzies!"

David Dickinson describes Nigella Lawson as "mutton dressed as lamb. A badly cooked lamb that she did herself, overrated."

David Dickinson invites disgraced '90s celebrity MP Neil Hamilton and wife Christine to dinner. "It's a special occasion," he explains to his wife, "So break out the Colman's, Ada!"

David Dickinson once asked Carol Beer for her hand in marriage. When she refused he made sure her career would go down the pan.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 25, 2020, 03:15:15 PM
David Dickinson gets a visit from Tom Allen. "Hi David, just wanted to let you know I've bought the house next door. Will be moving in soon, ciao for now!"

"Yeah, see you later... y'smarmy twat."

LATER:

"Who was that at the door this afternoon, David?"

"Oh, that was that bald comedy-presenter guy off that Bake Off or summit, he's moving in next door apparently. Snappy dresser, but what an absolute cunt."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Hand Solo on October 25, 2020, 05:01:39 PM
David Dickinson after a busy day's filming takes off his Handsome Head for a bit of a breather.

(https://www.comedy.co.uk/images/library/comedies/900x450/w/worzel_gummidge_worzel.jpg)
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 26, 2020, 03:19:25 AM
It is David Dickinson's secret wish to ride a porpoise across the Irish Sea. "Pipe dreams, mate. Pipe dreams," David Dickinson sighs to himself.

David Dickinson's ideal night? "Lasagne, bottle of Sandeman Port, Matlock, sorted."

David Dickinson was quite the Romeo in his day, or so he tells the local landlord after a few brandies. "1984, Bubbles nightclub, Rotherhithe. It's long gone now. All the stars used to hang out there... David Essex, Duncan Norville, Geoffrey from Rainbow, all with some chick or other on their arms. I was about to give up hope that night, when I turned around and there she was... an absolute stunner. Looked like Twiggy, she did. Couple of Babychams and she was mine. I waltzed out that door with that woman on me arm. The face on Leo Sayer. Jealous as fuck."

David Dickinson goes to topiary classes.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 26, 2020, 05:53:40 PM
David Dickinson is a "great fan of that Elton John. It's okay to be a puff nowadays and he's done a lot for the AIDS people."

David Dickinson smiles as he recalls a 1980 weekend bender in Miami with Mike Winters. "Bernie had split and joined forces with Schnorbitz the dog at that stage, but that fucking few days would have made him well envious of this brother and me!" David Dickinson tells the grandfather clock in his living room as he takes another large gulp of Courvoisier.

David Dickinson once ran a cake shop with his wife in St. Ives. "It was only a brief venture, but we had to give it up when a local tramp wrecked the gaff and called Ada "the wife of an orange goblin".

David Dickinson once had a food column entitled 'The Local Gourmand' in The Thetford Pamphlet. Sample review: "The spag bol was smashing but the upside down cake left a lot to be desired".
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 26, 2020, 10:17:28 PM
Bruce Forsyth calls David Dickinson a “Cuprinol cunt” via a Ouija board.

Sublime
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 26, 2020, 10:18:53 PM
Quote
David Dickinson orders a bag of chips and realises he's £2.20 short.

Very good indeed
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Shit Good Nose on October 26, 2020, 10:45:21 PM
"Right teams, you were each given £200 to spend on three items.  Reds - you spent a total of £185.  Your first item is this beautiful art deco lamp, £65 spent.  No maker's name, but it's in superb original condition with no cracks or chips - VERY difficult to find one undamaged.  £65 is a GOOD price and I think it's a right bobby dazzler - that will go great guns at auction.  Your next item is this small silver brooch with mother-of-pearl inlay, bought for a princely £100.  Now I've looked closely at this and, whilst it's a pretty little item, I can't see any hallmark and I don't think it's British sterling silver.  £100?  A bit steep if you ask me and, I'm sorry to say, I don't think it will wipe its nose.  Your last item, bought for a cheap-as-chips £20, is this early 20th century travel case.  It's had a LOT of use and I can see a bit of damage, and I don't think those hinges are original.  Vintage luggage items are in-vogue at the moment, but they often struggle at auction, so this one will depend on the right two or three people in the room battling it out.  Blues, you spent all but £1 of your £200, with a big £120 spent on this rather impressive looking 19th century chair - almost throne-like isn't it?  Fine condition and, to me, it looks all original.  A few minor scrapes and scratches, but it's almost certainly over 150 years old so that's to be expected.  £120 is a lot, but I think it might just surprise us.  Next up was this angle-poise lamp which is probably from the 70s or 80s - a bit of an update from the red team's art-deco example.  Now there's been a HUGE resurgence in the popularity of these in recent years, and if they work - which this one does - all the better.  You spent £49 on this - a tad heavy perhaps, but you'll get interest from everyone from designers to interior decorators.  I think that's a fair deal.  Your last item, costing £50, is this fully lined 19th century cigar humidor.  Smoking is obviously out of fashion these days (looks to camera) although I don't mind admitting I take the occasional cigar, but tobacciana is increasingly popular with collectors, and this is an excellent example, in very fine condition.  £50 is a good price and I think that will easily make three figures.  Let's see what happens at the auction..."

We draw back to see David looking like Willard in Saigon in Apocalypse Now, in his loft conversion wearing nothing but soiled y-fronts, gut hanging over the waist, several empty bottles of booze strewn around the place.  The "teams" are made up of cuddly toys he's stolen from his grandkids, daubed with rose and pale purple as he didn't have any primary red or blue paints in.  The "antiques" are just things that were to hand - a biro, a chequebook with all the cheques used, a 100 Best Tries VHS case (no video in the case), a screwed up bit of paper, a 10p piece and a pair of broken specs.  The camera that David looks to is just empty space.  He's been at this for days now, ever since his wife packed a suitcase and walked out.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 26, 2020, 10:48:44 PM
^Brilliant SNG!

[FAKE EDIT]

David Dickinson does the two-step to the sound of the Van der Valk theme (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucfodcAxG2s) in his front garden at 5AM every morn.

David Dickinson organises a charity raffle in Shrewsbury, with the top prize being a jar of his wife's homemade jam. "She can't fucking give it away to be honest, heaven help the winner!" he utters to the local vicar.

David Dickinson is very proud of his Armenian heritage and visits the country every year in a converted hovercraft.

David Dickinson smokes 200 Lambert & Butler whilst waiting for the bus to Frome.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: dissolute ocelot on October 27, 2020, 11:05:12 AM
David Dickinson chopping the heads off marble statues "This is what the people want".

David Dickinson falls asleep in an Elizabethan box bed and is accidentally shipped to Dubai. The freighter is hijacked by Somali pilots, and Dickinson rapidly becomes their leader. Three weeks later, he leads a raid on the Ethiopian State Museum and makes off with all their most treasured artefacts, including the Ark of the Covenant, which he converts into a drinks cabinet laden with now-cursed pear liqueur.

David Dickinson can't remember how to spell his own name and is forced to turn to the internet, with confusing results. Eventually concludes he's Dickie Davies, and dead.

Interviewed by Antiques Roadshow Magazine, Tinker three times denies that he knows David Dickinson, as was predicted by Jesus.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: batwings on October 27, 2020, 11:24:14 AM
Nice work SNG! That actually made me feel a bit sad.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on October 27, 2020, 01:03:09 PM

David Dickinson falls asleep in an Elizabethan box bed and is accidentally shipped to Dubai. The freighter is hijacked by Somali pilots, and Dickinson rapidly becomes their leader. Three weeks later, he leads a raid on the Ethiopian State Museum and makes off with all their most treasured artefacts, including the Ark of the Covenant, which he converts into a drinks cabinet laden with now-cursed pear liqueur

Superb.

In a television green room, David Dickinson assumes June Sarpong is a runner. 'Get us a Dubonnet will you love?'
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: touchingcloth on October 27, 2020, 01:10:19 PM
David Dickenson’s doctor tells him that the problem with his penis is that he has wanked it “to the nub”, and that from now on he needs to see the gynaecologist.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on October 27, 2020, 05:49:21 PM
"I could tell you a thing or two about Paul Daniels, let me assure you. But I keep it to myself out of respect for Debbie, now there's a proper lady for you, not like those Black Lives Matter lesbsexuals you get these days."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 28, 2020, 05:42:46 PM
David Dickinson once asked Carol Beer for her hand in marriage. When she refused he made sure her career would go down the pan.

That should be Alice Beer, obviously.

David Dickinson once asked George Lazenby for his autograph but was rebuked. "He went from being my favourite to my least favourite Bond in an instant," David Dickinson explains in an interview with the local community newsletter. "There are no heroes."

"That Kevin McCloud is a nice man, but he really annoys me," David Dickinson tells Shane Richie during a phone chat. "I'm sure he has a beautifully-designed house, but he won't budge for toffee in a slow ITV canteen queue."

David Dickinson once attempted to set up a brewery producing 'Dickinson's Ale'. "It was a failed venture, but I got well tiddly taste-testing the brew!" he chuckles to a fellow barfly one evening at The Disappointed Hog.

David Dickinson gives a homeless man the price of a cup of tea. "I know they're not all bad, and 32p won't get you fuck-all worth of heroin, I'd say."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 29, 2020, 04:34:00 AM
David Dickinson has a raging argument with Malcolm Hebden over a parking space at Alton Towers. "I'll tell y'what Hebden, you're all mild and meek as Norris on Corrie, but I've never heard such language! Okay, I'll move me 'F-ing' Range Rover!"

The year is 2002, and David Dickinson is rather suprized to find Paul Martin engaged in orgiastic debasement with two prostitutes and a bag of coke in a BBC closet. "You'd think butter wouldn't melt, but I've seen a new side to Paul now!" he later confides to Anne Robinson in the BBC canteen.

David Dickinson once met Giant Haystacks at a farmer's market in Twickenham.

David Dickinson's favourite autograph? "Lena Zavaroni, 1984."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 29, 2020, 03:43:12 PM
David Dickinson's favourite colour is beige. "I know it's boring, but y'know where you are with beige!"

David Dickinson has never heard of Pink Floyd. "That must have passed me by. I was more of a Buck's Fizz fan back in the day."

David Dickinson loves the term "number crunching".

David Dickinson has been in more attics "than a pack of rats! It might look like junk, but it could fetch you a pretty penny or two at 'antiques' market!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 29, 2020, 05:06:52 PM
David Dickinson matches with an antiques dealer on Grindr and embarks on a six month affair in order to get £5 off a Royal Doulton teapot.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 29, 2020, 05:59:07 PM
David Dickinson matches with an antiques dealer on Grindr and embarks on a six month affair in order to get £5 off a Royal Doulton teapot.

He falls in love, and they move in together. When they break up two years later, David Dickinson sneaks the teapot into his holdall.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 30, 2020, 12:37:50 AM
The year is 2003. David Dickinson is leaving Bargain Hunt and is showing new presenter Tim Wonnacott the ropes. They are taking an extended fag break with Eric Knowles during a lengthy set-up when David Dickinson suddenly produces a joint.

"Go on, have a toke of that, lads!"

At first Wonnacott is loathe to try it, but he begins to inhale deeply and his stiff upper lip starts to relax.

"Y'know, life is very strange... do you ever get, kind of, strange feelings and emotions? Ever ponder the meaning of it all?"

Through all this, David Dickinson is going, "Yeah, yeah," but he keeps giving Knowles sideways glances.

"Anyway, we'd best get back to work!" warns Wonncott, coming out of the marijuana fug all of all sudden. "See you guys on the set!"

As soon as he's gone, David Dickinson's true colours emerge. "Fucking 'feelings and emotions', 'the meaning of it all!' Let's get the soppy twat at lunch, Eric!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 30, 2020, 09:11:10 AM
He falls in love, and they move in together. When they break up two years later, David Dickinson sneaks the teapot into his holdall.

"I'm not proud to say it, but I broke the poor bastard's heart. But that's the antiques game for you; Kill or be killed. And when me arsehole's back in one piece, there's a priceless stamp collection in Dulwich with my name on it."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on October 30, 2020, 05:42:08 PM
David Dickinson occasionally suffers from "dusty hair" due to all the attics he's sifted through. "Me last sniff around in a loft in Hampshire was particularly harrowing, took a whole bottle of Vosene to sort that one out!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 01, 2020, 02:58:47 AM
David Dickinson once popped in to Bill Oddie's house to ask about a beautiful vase he espied on the mantelpiece through the window. Oddie explained that it had belonged to his Great-Grandma Oddie and was not for sale. David Dickinson distracted Oddie by pretending he had spotted a rare bird outside and swiftly nabbed the vase. But Oddie accosted David Dickinson at the door, and insisted he hand back the pilfered item. "You need help David, mate. Get this antiques addition under control. Until then, you are not allowed inside my house, alright? Now go."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 01, 2020, 03:22:57 PM
Adam Ant moves next door to David Dickinson, and Dickinson offers to help him unpack (with a view to nabbing a rarity or two, natch!).

"That's an interesting Indian head dress, Adam, I wonder if you'd be interested in selling it?" David Dickinson enquires.

"The correct term is 'Native American', and no, you can't have that priceless antique headdress, David!"

Dickinson is practically fuming. "It's political correctness gone mad, and you can keep the bloody thing, Ant!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on November 02, 2020, 06:26:38 AM
David Dickenson and his wife are invited to a dinner party where he makes frequent and lengthy trips to the toilet.
In reality he's using the time to go rummaging in the hosts' attic but gives everyone the (false) impression that he's taking cocaine.
'Sorry, just need to go and powder me nose again!'

He returns to the property at 4am to retrieve his booty from underneath the toilet window.
'The perfect crime!' he laughs when he returns home and opens a half bottle of Cutty Sark.
But as the sun is rising and he undresses for bed he breaks out in a panic.
'Fuckin 'ell! I've dropped me monogrammed cufflinks at the scene of the crime!
'Wake up love and pack a suitcase! Were moving to Jersey!'
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 02, 2020, 04:57:01 PM
David Dickenson and his wife are invited to a dinner party where he makes frequent and lengthy trips to the toilet.
In reality he's using the time to go rummaging in the hosts' attic but gives everyone the (false) impression that he's taking cocaine.
'Sorry, just need to go and powder me nose again!'

He returns to the property at 4am to retrieve his booty from underneath the toilet window.
'The perfect crime!' he laughs when he returns home and opens a half bottle of Cutty Sark.
But as the sun is rising and he undresses for bed he breaks out in a panic.
'Fuckin 'ell! I've dropped me monogrammed cufflinks at the scene of the crime!
'Wake up love and pack a suitcase! Were moving to Jersey!'

"It's too expensive to buy a house there!"

"Nah love, late Bergerac star Terrence Alexander sold me his cottage near Greve de Lecq in 1990 at a knockdown price. I never told you about it because I thought you'd have conniptions, Ada, but now it's that secret getaway's time to shine! We can do all our shopping at Benest's of Millbrook and Fineprice, superlative value!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 03, 2020, 04:25:12 PM
David Dickinson sings a stirring rendition of 'Oranges and Lemons' at the local country fayre. It brings proceedings to a standstill and many are in tears.

David Dickinson is actually a huge fan of Sheryl Crow. "I pop in the Volvo and on goes the CD player, Sheryl every time, mate!" He tells Phillipa Forrester when he bumps into her in Morrison's one Saturday.

David Dickinson once sued Mark Lawson for calling him "an over-saturated satsuma with no discernible talent whatsoever," in The Independent. Dickinson lost the case, but it left a sour taste in Lawson's mouth for weeks.

David Dickinson hang-glides to France every Wednesday. "It does the lungs good!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Cuellar on November 03, 2020, 04:36:58 PM
David Dickinson winds up doing predictably-titled pornography
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: frajer on November 03, 2020, 04:39:06 PM
David Dickinson desperately tries to sell his coiffured grey mane to a Chinese doll factory.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 03, 2020, 04:52:12 PM
David Dickinson desperately tries to sell his coiffured grey mane to a Chinese doll factory.

"They gave us a pandemic, the least they can do is purchase me lovely locks!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on November 03, 2020, 05:10:24 PM
I'm starting to wonder if Glebe is becoming David Dickinson
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 03, 2020, 06:25:50 PM
I'm starting to wonder if Glebe is becoming David Dickinson

"What?! I've never been so insulted in me entire life! I'm nowt like Dickinson!" raged Glebe Dickinson.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 04, 2020, 12:23:00 AM
David Dickinson goes shopping with his wife and throws a packet of jaffa cakes into the trolley.

"You know you're not allowed those David, your heart!" protests Ada Dickinson.

"Oh come on love, just one packet! It's my occasional little bit of pleasure now and then! You know how much I love me jaffas!"

"You certainly look like one," Ada thinks to herself.

"Oh wait, that doesn't quite work. You look like the orange centre, covered in chocolate."

"What's that, Ada?"

"Eh?! Oh sorry David, just thinking out loud."

Their marriage has been on the rocks for some years now.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 05, 2020, 01:04:21 AM
David Dickinson sneaks the Muppets song 'Mah na Mah na' onto his local shopping department's sound system and organizes an hilarious dance routine with both staff and customers alike! It cheers one man up so much that he gives Dickinson his antiques coin collection there and then. "I was gonna take it to be evaluated, but this jape was such a tonic you can have the lot!" chuckles the man. Dickinson is ecstatic.

David Dickinson nibbles the edge of a Ryvita cracker and plans the day ahead. "Ten o' clock, pop into Morrison's for a ready meal - Ada can stick that on for me at midday - ten-twenty, WHSmith to buy that book about antiques, ten-forty, call round to Mark Stacey to collect that Swiss watch, eleven, drink with Mark at The Wounded Cow, midday, back home for ready meal."

David Dickinson writes 'Leave me the fuck alone' in an autograph hunters book on a golf course in Arbroath.

David Dickinson dollops a load of tomato relish onto his Welsh rarebit in a cafe in Camberwell.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 05, 2020, 06:09:25 PM
David Dickinson is concerned about "that local new age woman that runs that crystals shop" this Bonfire Night. "She'll get all her hippie mates to do arcane things in a field, I can't understand their wiccan ways!"

David Dickinson gifts a hedgehog temporary shelter using an old wine case. "There y'go little fella, you huddle in that till the storm passes!" Ada Dickinson is heartened by the kindness shining through.

David Dickinson's favourite watch? "A golden Seiko I bought in a little jeweller's on Sark in 1984. Long gone now, but boy, what a timepiece!"

David Dickinson does a bag of microwave popcorn and sits down to watch The Client on DVD. "It's a '90s classic!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 06, 2020, 07:29:29 PM
David Dickinson will be sad to see Trump go. "He's a total cunt but he made my tan look vague."

A Greenpeace campaigner calls at David Dickinson's door. "I'm not supporting this eco clap trap, y'can hump off!"

David Dickinson espies a beautiful antique brooch at a local market with his wife. "Look Ada, I'd say that'd fetch a pretty penny at auction!" Ada sighs. "If I had a penny for every antique y'spotted, I'd be rich enough to afford to divorce you!" she jokes. At least I think she's joking.

David Dickinson has broken bottles sticking out of the top of his garden walls. "Any scrumpers attempt to steal my apples they'll be spending the night in A&E!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 07, 2020, 08:56:27 PM
"Y'know what, speaking of scrumpers - see post above!" David Dickinson tells you, the reader, breaking the Fourth Wall, "speaking of scrumpers, me and me mates used to be a team called the Cheshire Scrumpers back in my day. There was me, Tommy, Andrew, James and Glenn... there wasn't an orchard safe in the North of England when we were afoot, I can tell you!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 07, 2020, 09:42:50 PM
David Dickinson oils up his mahogany body and slides naked through the palace casino at Great Yarmouth like a shelled peanut.

David Dickinson goes to London Zoo and is attacked by a giant anteater that mistakes him for a termite mound.

David Dickinson expires after a brief argument about a ceramic book-end in the shape of a spaniel.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 07, 2020, 09:58:26 PM
David Dickinson oils up his mahogany body and slides naked through the palace casino at Great Yarmouth like a shelled peanut.

David Dickinson goes to London Zoo and is attacked by a giant anteater that mistakes him for a termite mound.

David Dickinson expires after a brief argument about a ceramic book-end in the shape of a spaniel.

Lovely Greg, and a belated welcome back, btw!

David Dickinson is applying shoe polish to his new winklepinkers when he stops and has a thought. He is just about to dab some on his face when he pauses and thinks, "Nah, could ruin the complexion."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 07, 2020, 10:00:19 PM
Lovely Greg, and a belated welcome back, btw!

Thanks Glebe, missed ya
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 08, 2020, 04:11:26 AM
Thanks Glebe, missed ya

Missed you too mate!

Nannette Newman once slapped David Dickinson at a party at William G. Stewart's house after Dickinson called Isla St Clair "a feckless peculiarity with no sense of propriety whatsoever".

Dickinson later claimed he'd had a few too many G&Ts, but in truth he'd always had it in for St Clair.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 08, 2020, 10:44:35 PM
David Dickinson's favourite fruit is the tomato. "It really is a fruit an' all!"

David Dickinson buys a rare spyglass off Tamara Beckwith for £300. "The silly bint, it's worth at least ten times that or I'm a monkey's uncle!"

David Dickinson's Chevrolet Camaro is rear ended by Jason Donovan on the Edgware Road. "What made it worse was that Jason was driving a shitty old Lotus! The fucking indignity!" he tells Len Wiseman over a pint of Strongbow later.

David Dickinson takes his wife to Nando's for their Anniversary. "We'll have to sit outside because of the pandemic, keep your coat on, love."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on November 09, 2020, 12:15:46 PM
David Dickinson has a little book in which he has noted his ratings of every Little Chef in England. Each restaurant has ratings for food quality, toilet hygiene and waitress attractiveness.

2/4/18 Barton Stacey. Toilets 2/10 'disgusting, even Gary Barlow would think twice'

4/9/18 Kettering East. Olympic Breakfast 7/10 'good, but there's no way those potatoes were sauteed'

"You wouldn't believe the miles I've clocked up in me time", he tells Andrea at Cirencester (5.5/10 'chubby calves')
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 11, 2020, 12:32:05 AM
David Dickinson sells Michael Grade a cabinet for the extortionate price of £500. "The fucking mug, I told him it was Victorian, but was it fuck! It was well shonky, even Del Boy wouldn't touch it with a bloody barge pole!" he tells Geoff Capes over lunch in Golders Green.

David Dickinson tells a reporter from The Penzance Gazette that his favourite chocolate is Fry's Turkish Delight. "It's the king of confectionaries," he exclaims, holding his head up proudly.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 13, 2020, 12:15:29 AM
David Dickinson buys a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape in his local Morrisons, but his selection is a compromise and he takes it out on the checkout girl. "What happened to your Beaujolais shelf, love? There's bugger all there worth drinking, standards have really dropped at Morrisons if you ask me!"

David Dickinson was good friends with Jeremy Beadle back in the day, and the two used to meet for a shandy or two at a secret gentlemen's club in London to read out the latest bawdy rhymes they had composed!

David Dickinson has been a fan of salmon for some years now. "There was a time when I wouldn't touch the stuff, but Terry Wogan brought me back to his after a round of golf one day in 1996, and his wife threw on a bit of the legendary 'knowledgeable' fish. It was an absolute treat, I tell thee! Since then, I've loved it. I'll have the likes of spag bol or shepherd's pie most week days, but Ada knows to 'break out the salmon!' of a weekend!"

David Dickinson wanks over an old copy of Knave from 1982 that he found in the attic whilst his wife is at her bridge night.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 14, 2020, 09:01:09 AM
David Dickinson owns a harpsichord. He can play the main riff from 'Golden Brown' on it but that's it.

David Dickinson spots a Tenko boxset on Shop4world.com and is tempted to add it to his basket. "Only a tenner, still it'll probably end up sitting on the shelf unwatched," he tells himself.

David Dickinson collects Walnut Whip wrappers. "I know it's a bit sad, but everyone's got to have a hobby," he admits to Nigel Lythgoe at this local gym.

David Dickinson is a trained acrobat.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 14, 2020, 11:26:42 PM
David Dickinson goes skinny-dipping in the fountain in Trafalgar Square.

David Dickinson is rudely pushed in a queue in his local Tesco Express. "Here mate, watch - oh it's you Daley!" Dickinson and Daley Thompson are on nodding terms, but Dickinson is not keen on the Olympics champions public manner.

David Dickinson taps Gregg Wallace's phone to see if Wallace is "taking smack about me."

David Dickinson owns part of Hampshire.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 16, 2020, 12:51:52 PM
David Dickinson buys a Chippendale cabinet at an auction at Christies. "'Pwned', as the kids say!" he tells the second-highest bidder (a rather defenceless-looking old man) on the way out.

David Dickinson creates a scene at a Richard Clayderman concert in Bern. "Y'rubbish mate, get off!"

David Dickinson accosts Jon Culshaw outside a minimart in Kent and upbraids him over his Dickinson impersonation. "Fucking nothing like me, mate! I hate you new young 'alternative' impressionists and your cruel ways!"

David Dickinson finds fault in an upside down cake baked specially for him by a fan. "The sponge is a bit stale and the fruit's not right!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 17, 2020, 07:21:10 AM
David Dickinson reckons that late Good Morning Britain host Mike Morris had "the greatest moustache of all time. A truly English moustache, that."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: frajer on November 17, 2020, 09:01:25 AM
David Dickinson bids on - and wins! - a Rowntrees storage unit then spends 126 hours hunkered in there, inserting those novelty Polo Holes into regular Polos. He never once stops chuckling.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 17, 2020, 09:53:17 AM
David Dickinson bids on - and wins! - a Rowntrees storage unit then spends 126 hours hunkered in there, inserting those novelty Polo Holes into regular Polos. He never once stops chuckling.

Heh! Welcome back frajer, you popped off for a few days there!
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: frajer on November 17, 2020, 09:59:57 AM
Heh! Welcome back frajer, you popped off for a few days there!

Cheers Glebe, always a pleasure :-) Back on the Dicko Deso horse now!
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 17, 2020, 01:41:38 PM
Cheers Glebe, always a pleasure :-) Back on the Dicko Deso horse now!

"Get off my horse!" It's David Dickinson. "These stables cost a fortune to run, we can't have any Tom, Dick or Harry having a go! Giddy, giddy!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: frajer on November 17, 2020, 01:48:02 PM
"Get off my horse!" It's David Dickinson. "These stables cost a fortune to run, we can't have any Tom, Dick or Harry having a go! Giddy, giddy!"

I would definitely take a punt on a horse called David Dickinson's Desolation.

At a high-class society function, a loinclothed David Dickinson swings from a chandelier emitting his best Tarzan yodel and cannons into a duchess.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on November 18, 2020, 02:03:32 PM
David Dickenson's habit of referring to himself in the third person has always rubbed his wife Ada up the wrong way but lately he's been absent-mindedly calling himself Dickie Davidson. This has led to some tense moments.

'For christs sake Ada, stop correcting me! It was a slip of the tongue! I know who I bloody well am!'

Later that night he reflects on his spoonerism in his summer-house (more of a delapidated shed really he thinks to himself ruefelly) over a half bottle of 2004 Grants Vodka.

'Dickie Davidson.... got a nice ring to it! Sounds like a right jack the lad he does hehehe. Bet he could get up to all sorts that  goody two shoes David would never dream of!'
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 18, 2020, 02:58:36 PM
"I wonder if I'll live to be 120 and find meself bidding on the first-ever Amazon drone!" chuckles David Dickinson to himself, in a tea room in Devon. The waitress gives him a funny look.

David Dickinson knocks over an antique jug whilst rummaging for a B&Q catalogue in the front room. "BALLS! Oh it didn't break fuck me I'm lucky."

David Dickinson sometimes disguises himself in public by wearing a baseball cap and dying his skin a normal colour. Signs his name 'Mark Stacey' in hotels sometimes too.

David Dickinson settles down one afternoon with a Dallas boxset and a large mug of Horlicks.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 19, 2020, 11:03:50 AM
David Dickinson believes Aunt Bessie is a real person. "Her roasties are a dream, but those Yorkie puds really go down a treat too!"

David Dickinson finds an old pair of corduroy trousers at the back of the wardrobe. "Are these back in fashion, Ada? Only if I can fit into them I might go trendy today."

David Dickinson bumps into Peter Davison in Skegness and tells him, "I never liked you mate, to be perfectly frank. I thought your were the worst Who, Colin Baker was given shite to work with."

David Dickinson keeps a shrine to Margaret Thatcher in his loft.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 20, 2020, 12:02:56 PM
David Dickinson is not a fan of the lychee. "There's something kind of 'Asian' about them that don't agree with me," he tells Trevor Brooking over the phone.

David Dickinson favourite mixtape? "One I made in 1996, featuring Fairport Convention, Chris de Burgh and Cliff Richards. The cassette sounds wonky now, but it's still a cracker."

David Dickinson busks The Beautiful South's 'Don't Marry Her' on a street in Salford for charity. "£5.29 I made, the animal sanctuary won't sneeze at that!"

David Dickinson has a machine gun installed in his conservatory. "It might sound mad, but you never know when the jerries will get at it again!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 22, 2020, 02:00:57 PM
David Dickinson dresses up as Willy Wonka for his granddaughter's birthday but all the kids run away in terror.

David Dickinson has an argument with the owner of a local newsagent's over their lack of copies of The Daily Express. "You should order at least another ten copies every day, mate! They fly off the shelves elsewhere but you seem to favour The Independent! Shittiest paper in history, that is! Nobody buys it!"

David Dickinson accidently knocks over a Royal Doulton ceramic vase at an auction room in Cleethorpes. He shoves the broken pieces under a table with his foot and quickly seeks out his wife. "Come on Ada, we'd better leave... I, er, have a dicky tum..."

David Dickinson always keeps a packet of Smints in the watch pocket of his waistcoat "for emergencies".
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 23, 2020, 10:40:42 AM
David Dickinson opens the first window on his chocolate Advent Calendar early in a fit of impatience. "Sorry Ada, I just couldn't wait! It was a vodka liquor and all, lovely!"

David Dickinson makes a face mask out of some old curtains he finds in the shed. "I bet the wife's gonna say they belonged to Aunt Cissie or summit, but fuck that. Can't get sentimental in a pandemic."

David Dickinson trains a phalanx of hedgehogs to carry him about the grounds of his home. He takes to wearing a novelty crown whilst being transported, just to add to the ego-boost.

David Dickinson starts a petition to get the local curry house shut down, "because their naans are fucking awful".
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 23, 2020, 03:08:16 PM
David Dickinson can't even get referenced in Letterbocks these days, never mind one of the spoof articles
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: dissolute ocelot on November 23, 2020, 05:07:28 PM
David Dickinson and Princess Margaret score 200 on Celebrity Pointless.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 24, 2020, 11:54:17 AM
David Dickinson has the largest collection of Hornby model trains in Western Europe.

David Dickinson joins a protest to stop the building of a housing estate on some local land. "It's affordable housing they're planning, otherwise I'd actually be opposed to this rally!"

David and Ada Dickinson watch a DVD of 1998 film The Land Girls one lazy afternoon, and Dickinson is so impressed with the production he stands and does a "BRAVO!" during the end credits.

David Dickinson phones Huw Edwards and asks him if he fancies going fly fishing in Cumbria next weekend.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: dissolute ocelot on November 24, 2020, 02:19:32 PM
David Dickinson tampers with the brakes in Fiona Bruce's car, and she kills a hedgehog.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 25, 2020, 02:09:39 PM
David Dickinson plans to sell the house to buy an 18th-century spinning Jenny. "I've not told Ada yet, Jimmy, I have a feeling she's going to have conniptions when she finds out!" he tells Jimmy White over shandies at new local bar The Flippant Pony.

David Dickinson cheers wife Ada up by doing his Humphrey Bogart with a pair of Tic Tacs under his upper lip. "I know it don't amount to a hill of beans, sugah, but maybe not today, maybe not tomorrah..."

David Dickinson drives his Ford Fiesta non-stop from Penzance to Chester in a bid to outdo his late friend Roy Hudd's record. "Roy made it to Bromley before bailing out and stopping for a pastie, bless 'im!"

David Dickinson fills out his tax returns wrong again. "I got away with it last time Ada, fingers crossed!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 25, 2020, 03:49:53 PM
David Dickinson plans to sell the house to buy an 18th-century spinning Jenny. "I've not told Ada yet, Jimmy, I have a feeling she's going to have conniptions when she finds out!" he tells Jimmy White over shandies at new local bar The Flippant Pony.

Jimmy sinks back into his chair, succumbing to the comfy, old, depressing ritual
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 26, 2020, 11:35:19 AM
David Dickinson is discussing wainscoting over the garden gate with Les Dennis when he "goes there" by asking, "By the way, what was Dustin Gee like?"

"He was a lovely guy, David, I wish you'd have met him."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to 'go there', I know you're probably still feeling the loss after all these years."

"No David, it's fine. We were good mates and I miss him every day, but I came to terms with it many years ago."

"Oh good. Heh, he were dead funny... his Cary Grant was smashing, all he had to do was pull his face!"

"I think you're thinking of Robert Mitchum, David, he used to do Robert Mitchum."

"Listen don't get shirty with me, pal. Just 'cos you're still grieving over the loss of the long-gone Gee, that's ain't any excuse to get smart!"

"I think I'd better go now, David."

"Yes, I think you should!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on November 26, 2020, 04:42:56 PM
David Dickenson is convinced some of the shops in his village are taking him 'to the bloody cleaners' with their prices. He now wears a Go-Pro camera on every shopping trip in order to 'catch the buggers red handed' on film.

'23rd November. 10.23am. Can you please state the price of this half bottle of Grants whisky. And state what the price was last week. DONT try and grab the camera, thank you. It'll do you no good anyway, its a Gro-Pro and it doesn't have any video tape inside!'

Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 27, 2020, 05:17:24 PM
David Dickinson sees a black man while doing the garden and comments, "There's a lot of them about, Ada!"

"That's blatantly racist, David, stop it. Oh don't forget the rose bushes, by the way!"

"You just be quiet and finish y'blackcurrant cordial, love. Finish y'blackcurrant cordial."

David Dickinson doesn't allow any orange-coloured furniture in the house. It's too much of a reminder.

David Dickinson is in the newsagents. "Just Take a Break, Jim. Oh go on I'll splash out and have Empire as well - they're all computer graphic movies nowadays, but you never know when a new Casablanca might appear!"

David Dickinson only eats Hovis bread. "Let it go a bit stale and hard and it's perfect," he tells Sebastian Coe over a bad phone line.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 28, 2020, 01:00:52 PM
In addition to his wine cellar, David Dickinson also has a 'pickle' cellar. "Some of them pickles are vintage," he tells a visiting Paul Hollywood. "1982, a great year!"

David Dickinson holds Paul Martin hostage with a table knife in his dining room until he agrees to sell an antique mirror to him at a knock-down price. "You may have got your mirror but you've ruined dinner for me, Paul, Paul's wife and the six other guests," chides Ada Dickinson.

David Dickinson does a 'Mission Impossible' and steals a rare diamond necklace from Christie's using a few wires and a bungee cord.

David Dickinson must have his daily Lion Bar from the local newsie, or he's in fowl mood for the rest of the day.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 29, 2020, 05:04:07 PM
David Dickinson believes that the whole of British society needs to be dismantled and rearranged in such a fashion, "so as it will resemble the proud nation of old! Here here!"

David Dickinson steals a Mahony chessboard from Eric Knowles' house. I mean he just blatantly steals it.

David Dickinson plans to create his own range of cheeses, and discusses the project with Blur bass player Alex James. "Can't stand y'music mate, but you're at the forefront of English cheesemaking so you seem like the fella to hit up!"

David Dickinson has a fantasy involving an 'antiques city' established on Mars. "Once must dream big, Ada! One must dream big!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on November 30, 2020, 01:14:06 PM
David Dickinson has Ainsley Harriot trimming the bushes for £1.50 an hour. "He's been living on Queer Street since he's been off the telly Ada, great cheap labour! That's enough Ainsley, go and help Joe Swash in the garage now!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 01, 2020, 04:22:42 PM
David Dickinson phones Prince Charles and tells him, "I would die for the Monarchy, my Liege. Now givvus a Knighthood, mate."

David Dickinson is rather fond of the rhododendron. "I know sweet fuck about the flower world, but by 'eck, that's a plant and a half there!"

David Dickinson Zoom calls Claire Balding in the middle of the night to ask for speech tips. "I'm giving a bit of a talk at the local antiques society bash tomorrow Claire, and I'm all out of ideas. We'll all have to social-distance and wear masks, which will make it even weirder. I'm shitting it. Nice nightie, by the way. Sorry, overstepped the mark, there. Have you got y'sound on?"

David Dickinson body slams a local farmer and pins him to the ground. The reason for this action is never made clear, but the farmer decides not to press charges and has a chat with Dickinson's GP in regard to David's mental health.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 01, 2020, 10:34:45 PM
David Dickinson is too orangey for crows. He's just for me and my dawg.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 02, 2020, 04:09:19 PM
David Dickinson shamelessly admits he likes large breasts. "Big an' bouncy, that's how I like him!" he tells Kay Burley over cocktails in the garden.

David Dickinson sues Dulux for "using my copyrighted shade of orange" in their new range.

Dickinson sets up a beef farm in West Sussex.

David Dickinson criticises Huw Edwards over his choice of ties during a chance meeting in Waitrose, Derby. "Mate how can you even consider going on air with that tat 'round y'neck! A disgrace! A fucking disgrace!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 03, 2020, 03:14:12 PM
David Dickinson shut Len Goodman out of his life for six months when Len refused to sell him an antique chair.

David Dickinson meets Lenny Henry for a pint in The Particular Goose and the two discuss old war wounds. "See there on me shin? I got that when I fell off an auction room pedestal, Felixstowe, 2003. Life experience, Len. Life experience."

David Dickinson buys a catering box of chalk at a wholesalers in Dulwich. "Never know when we'll need it, Ada! Never know when we'll need it!"

David Dickinson gifts a bottle of port to Brian Conley "for services to laughter".
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 05, 2020, 06:15:28 PM
David Dickinson kills Mark Stacey and buries him in the back garden. "Givvus a hand Ada love, it'll be dawn soon and we've got to get Stacey six-feet under before the milky comes round!"

David Dickinson starts a petition to "stop them bringing back Cherry Coke! It's far too moreish!"

David Dickinson dresses up as Toad of Toad Hall for a fancy dress party, but everyone keeps asking him who he's supposed to be. "Bloody pop culture, they don't know nowt about anything before the '80s now!"

David Dickinson finds a dusty old Betamax cassette in his loft and sets up his antique Betamax player to watch it. It starts off with Tennis highlights from '77, then suddenly The Clifton House Mystery comes on. "Good old Sallis," sobs Dickinson, "good old Sallis."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: jenna appleseed on December 06, 2020, 12:04:47 AM
David Dickinson panics when a national shortage shortage of Mahogany wood stain forces him to start an alternative skin care regime.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 06, 2020, 04:14:05 PM
David Dickinson is disappointed that he has been unable to achieve 'Largest Christmas Tree in the Village' status this year, an accolade that goes to Old Tom up the road. "That fucker's a sly one, I bet he went up woods and illegally chopped down a big pine, dragging it home under cover of darkness with the help of his not-insubstantial, inbred kin!"

David Dickinson reads his wife's copy of Woman's Way while having his locks coiffed in the local hairdressers. "I'll give it back when I'm finished Ada love, you just get your perm done. Another coffee if you're sticking the kettle on, Sandra. Oh hello Suzy - come in to get y'bangs seen to? You go, girl!"

David Dickinson hands out jam sandwiches to the needy to "make me feel less guilty at Christmas".

David Dickinson rings John Torode and asks him to meet him at a secret location to discuss "the Dimbleby situation. You know what I mean, John. You know what I mean."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 08, 2020, 04:44:18 AM
David Dickinson is disappointed that The Good Old Days isn't on any more. "It's not been on for years. I blame the 1980's, PC came along and we were no longer allowed to laugh at nowt."

David Dickinson is sexually attracted to one his garden gnomes. It's a secret he will carry to his grave.

David Dickinson once had an argument with Paulo Wanchope about the price of cabbage. "You're not native, you wouldn't know!"

David Dickinson's favourite film is "the original V. Don't tell me it's a 'mini-series', it's a two-part movie!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 08, 2020, 07:58:56 PM
David Dickinson gets a job lot of hooky laughing buddha statuettes from Devious Dave at the Saturday market. "Sue Barker will snap a couple of them up at £50 a pop, the fool, guaranteed!"

David Dickinson decides not to purchase a holiday home in Perthshire as "I am not particularly fond of the Scots people, let me put it that way," he tells Nick Knowles over a Costa coffee.

David Dickinson once wrote to Esther Rantzen asking "for any old tat or jumble you may have that I can sell on at a profit, Esther. Cheers."

David Dickinson once punched Donny Osmond in the stomach in a pub in Stockport during an argument over crisps. "I was young and stupid."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 10, 2020, 06:05:32 PM
David Dickinson buys Ada a cheap bottle of perfume in Poundstretcher for Christmas. "It's the thought that counts," he convinces himself while he treats himself to a new stereo system in Curry's.

David Dickinson browses through a rack of gilets in Debenhams.

David Dickinson makes a point of never saying hello to "the yashmak women" when he picks his grandson up from school.

David Dickinson pretends to like rugby even though it bores him to tears. "Gotta look macho!"

Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 12, 2020, 08:40:00 PM
David Dickinson's favourite product is Windolene. "I don't know where we'd be without it."

David Dickinson started his career as a tea boy for Christies. "I used to live in the cellar and arise at 5PM every day. Best bit of training a child labourer can receive!"

David Dickinson spends twenty minutes perusing the confectionary before opting for a Crunchie. "Are you sure you don't need a another ten minutes to decide?" sighs Mr. Patel. "Don't get sassy, mate," retorts Dickinson. They've never liked each other.

David Dickinson deliberately crashes his car into a lamppost in a bid to kill Ada Dickinson. "We both survived, with minor contusions," he tells John Stapleton over a pint. "Try as I might, I'll never get my hands on her family fortune!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 14, 2020, 06:38:30 AM
David Dickinson has his collection of '80s porn mags evaluated at somewhere in the region of 100-200 pounds. "Fucking bullshit, I'm getting a second opinion!"

David Dickinson cycles to Penrith to "meet a man about an antique, Ada," he tells the wife. But secretly he is having an affair with a shire horse.

David Dickinson was once banned from the ITV studios for six weeks for calling Richard Madeley "a talentless stick insect with less knowledge then a jar of chutney."

David Dickinson often hangs around the local post office to make sure the villagers are paying their TV licences.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: darby o chill on December 14, 2020, 02:49:32 PM
David Dickinson mistakes a Jehovah Witness for an Irish traveler "Clear off ya thieving scamp! Y'lucky I don't plant me boot in yer backside!"

David Dickinson settles down for a plate of egg and chips in front of the telly. "Scrum diddly!"

David Dickinson waves his fist at a black child on a zebra crossing. "Nowt against the coloureds, but there's three of 'em in the village now!"

David Dickinson sedates his wife with chloroform before attaching a photo of Cheryl Cole to her face with Pritt Stick. "Get that into ye, ye saucy minx"

David Dickinson spots an injured robin in his prize flower bed. "Lorne, he's ruining the tulips, fetch me badminton racket!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: darby o chill on December 14, 2020, 07:53:58 PM
David Dickinson laughs when HS Art posts imply he is a racist.
David Dickinson has been married to a black woman since 1968. Oh.


(https://i.imgur.com/yHGWZQE.jpg)
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 16, 2020, 06:15:54 AM
David Dickinson laughs when HS Art posts imply he is a racist.
David Dickinson has been married to a black woman since 1968. Oh.


(https://i.imgur.com/yHGWZQE.jpg)

"It's just a sham marriage, it's so people can't accuse me of being a bigot! Ooh, don't I look like George Best there?"

Meanwhile:

David Dickinson puts a contract out on Martin Bashir after he refuses to sell Dickinson an antique fob.

David Dickinson has the ability to manipulate Joe Pasquale via mind control. He once made Pasquale go into a newsagents and steal a load of Trebor Softmints, "for a laugh!"

David Dickinson buys a load of pandas and has them illegally imported from China. He trains them to do menial tasks for him around the grounds of his estate, and dubs them his "Handy Pandies!"

David Dickinson once had a blazing row with Brian May in a curry house in Salford, after he accused May of "chewing too loudly! What y'gotta say to that, poodle head?"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 18, 2020, 07:31:40 AM
Boxing Day, and David Dickinson pours himself a large sherry and settles down to watch The Great Escape. "There's some mallow cakes in the kitchen Ada, bring them in to us would you? Thanks love."

David Dickinson occasionally gets a twinge of anxiety when he remembers the moment when Larry Grayson puts his hand on his knee and winked at a soiree in 1986.

"1982, 'auction party' in Staffordshire. Some chick was eyeing me up from across the room. Decided to turn on the charm. With a nod and a wink, I was upon her, slapping her on the arse as I ordered a Babysham from Dave the bartender. Got me end away that night. It was free and easy in them days, just before the AIDS panic hit," David Dickinson tells Monty Don on a packed bus.

David Dickinson is kicking a Flymo in the garden. "Start, you fucking cunt!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pingers on December 18, 2020, 08:19:51 AM
Boxing Day, and David Dickinson pours himself a large sherry and settles down to watch The Great Escape. "There's some mallow cakes in the kitchen Ada, bring them in to us would you? Thanks love."

David Dickinson occasionally gets a twinge of anxiety when he remembers the moment when Larry Grayson puts his hand on his knee and winked at a soiree in 1986.

"1982, 'auction party' in Staffordshire. Some chick was eyeing me up from across the room. Decided to turn on the charm. With a nod and a wink, I was upon her, slapping her on the arse as I ordered a Babysham from Dave the bartender. Got me end away that night. It was free and easy in them days, just before the AIDS panic hit," David Dickinson tells Monty Don on a packed bus.

David Dickinson is kicking a Flymo in the garden. "Start, you fucking cunt!"

What a great start to my day, especially the last one.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 18, 2020, 09:43:02 AM
What a great start to my day, especially the last one.

Cheers Pingers, now you've cheered me up!
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 19, 2020, 03:20:16 PM
Lucy Worsley is setting the table for breakfast when her husband walks in.

"Letter for you, love!" he says, throwing the mysterious missive onto the breakfast table. "Wonder who it's from?"

"I have a fair idea, going from the bad handwriting on the envelope," replies Worsley with a frown.

"Ahem... 'dear Lossy, sell me that anteek dog wot yoose have in your hoose or i will break both of your husbends armes. luv, dickenzon.'"

Worsley goes to the phone and makes a call.

"Hello... oh Ada, hello. Yes, could I speak to David, please? Look I know he's there. Could you put him on, please?

"Hello, David? If I receive one single letter from you again I will call the police. Please get help. Goodbye."

"Who was that, love?"

"Oh just David Dickinson. He's not well, you know. The marmalade's in the press, see you later!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 20, 2020, 07:15:50 AM
David Dickinson is up at cock's crow, planting some geranium seeds in the front garden. "Back to nature, mate! Back to nature!"

David Dickinson is spotted reading The Racing Post in the local cafe by the village gazette's ace reporter. Front page news.

David Dickinson wants to travel to Edinburgh for New Year's Eve, "but these bloody covid restrictions have put the kibosh on that little plan," he grumbles to Alan Titchmarsh on the main street, "bloody nanny state!"

David Dickinson places a rare ormolu clock on the mantelpiece and officially dubs it "Pride of the Fireplace".
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 22, 2020, 09:35:34 AM
David Dickinson's favourite cereal is Rice Krispies. "But only the official Kellogg's ones!" Simple as that.

Who's this arriving at Huw Edward's New Years fancy dress ball dressed as Benny from Crossroads? Why it's David Dickinson, OBVIOUSLY.

David Dickinson's full name is David Arbuthnot Braithwaite Dickinson III.

David Dickinson can't draw, but enjoys using tracing paper to copy Beano strips, with his tongue inevitably sticking out of the side of his lip as he gingerly reproduces the classic comic characters. He will then claim to somebody that he drew them from memory.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: jenna appleseed on December 23, 2020, 03:13:16 AM
David Dickinson places a rare ormolu clock on the mantelpiece and officially dubs it "Pride of the Fireplace".

His rival Tim Wonnacott smugly mocks "More like 'Pride of the Mantelpiece ho ho ho".

Sneaks into DD's house in the middle of the night, throws the clock in to the the fireplace, and breaks out the lighter fluid. 
Safely outside, having run like the clappers, he texts some pics over to David & wife, fortunately off at posh hotel for xmas (David insisted: "restrictions or no restrictions, I'm not missing the chance to borrow any rare antiquities that might be on display & stuff them in my suitcase with the towels & mini toiletries.") 

"Now it's living up to it's name, btw sorry I set your house on fire
ps. Not sorry.".
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 23, 2020, 11:05:44 AM
His rival Tim Wonnacott smugly mocks "More like 'Pride of the Mantelpiece ho ho ho".

Sneaks into DD's house in the middle of the night, throws the clock in to the the fireplace, and breaks out the lighter fluid. 
Safely outside, having run like the clappers, he texts some pics over to David & wife, fortunately off at posh hotel for xmas (David insisted: "restrictions or no restrictions, I'm not missing the chance to borrow any rare antiquities that might be on display & stuff them in my suitcase with the towels & mini toiletries.") 

"Now it's living up to it's name, btw sorry I set your house on fire
ps. Not sorry.".

"This is a suprisingly devious move by Wonnacott, David."

"Indeed, Ada - y'know, you're a perceptive sort by turns, y'know that? Y'smart. That's why I married yah!"

"What about my beautiful fizzog, David?"

"Well that goes without saying, love! Now ring the insurance people. I'm gonna have a shower and a wank. Oh where's the Vosene, love?"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on December 23, 2020, 11:42:32 AM
On his way to Kwik Fit, David Dickinson pulls up outside the local children's home and does burnouts in his Jag for the cheering kiddies. "I can put that down as charity work and get the VAT back on me new set of Michelins" he quipped.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on December 23, 2020, 11:57:17 AM
Looking for a Christmas gift for his grandson, David Dickinson tries to haggle for a Nintendo Switch in Currys. "I'll give you a hundred and you can have me belt and all. It's proper Italian leather, 20 years old. Not like the shite you'll find on the high street these days."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Kelvin on December 23, 2020, 12:37:03 PM
David Dickenson approaches his garden fence and barks aggressively at two young men climbing up a hill with a tiny family video camera.

"That's private land. You can't shoot adverts up there."

A pause. They shrug and walk off, laughing.

Reader, those two men were me and my friend, and this was real life Dickenson Desolation some 10 years ago. 
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: dissolute ocelot on December 23, 2020, 01:29:20 PM
Performing a house clearance for a retired veterinarian, now deceased, David Dickinson finds several vials of 1970s-vintage sheep semen. He rushes about the village inseminating all the ewes he can find. 21 weeks later, a Romney sheep called Molly gives birth to a lamb which is racist and smoking a pipe.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 24, 2020, 08:31:55 AM
David Dickinson's New Years party has of course been cancelled this year, but his proposed guest list is worth a look:

Huw Edwards
Wonnacott (because I have to!)
Janet Ellis
Stanley Baxter (don't like him, but he knows the wife)
Roger De Courcey
Kevin McCloud
Michael Grade
Basil Brush
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on December 24, 2020, 10:53:27 AM
For the last month David Dickinson has had almost nightly hauntings from deceased celebrities who he once stiffed on a deal.

"I saw an apparition of Terrence Alexander last night, Ada. He had a face like thunder! He must have twigged that I shafted him on that property deal in 1990!"

David Dickinson can't understand why the ghosts are all crawling out of the woodwork only now, until one night he's looking at whosdead.com and it hits him.

"It's that bugger Bobby Ball! This all started a week after he passed away. I sold him one of Charlie Chaplin's hats in 1994 for six thousand pound. Was it Chaplin's? was it buggery! Cost me two fifty in an Oxfam shop. He must have found out and now he thinks he'll get me back the vindictive little runt! He's gone and tipped off the lot of them up there that David Dickenson's a dodgy dealer!! Some fucking christian!" he explains the next day to Frank Bruno as he passes him outside the post office.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 24, 2020, 02:04:35 PM
David Dickenson approaches his garden fence and barks aggressively at two young men climbing up a hill with a tiny family video camera.

"That's private land. You can't shoot adverts up there."

A pause. They shrug and walk off, laughing.

Reader, those two men were me and my friend, and this was real life Dickenson Desolation some 10 years ago.

Recall you mentioning this before, Kelvin. I called up David Dickinson to remind him of incident, and asked him for his thoughts about it now looking back:

"Who is this? How did you get this phone number? People filming around here? When? I'm calling the police! You're fucking for it, pal!"

For the last month David Dickinson has had almost nightly hauntings from deceased celebrities who he once stiffed on a deal.

"I saw an apparition of Terrence Alexander last night, Ada. He had a face like thunder! He must have twigged that I shafted him on that property deal in 1990!"

David Dickinson can't understand why the ghosts are all crawling out of the woodwork only now, until one night he's looking at whosdead.com and it hits him.

"It's that bugger Bobby Ball! This all started a week after he passed away. I sold him one of Charlie Chaplin's hats in 1994 for six thousand pound. Was it Chaplin's? was it buggery! Cost me two fifty in an Oxfam shop. He must have found out and now he thinks he'll get me back the vindictive little runt! He's gone and tipped off the lot of them up there that David Dickenson's a dodgy dealer!! Some fucking christian!" he explains the next day to Frank Bruno as he passes him outside the post office.

"I must root out Joe Pasquale's number and check that he's okay, Ada. I was half asleep last night and I thought I saw him dressed like Jacob Marley, going "David, David, why did you gip me out of 200 bob for that Victorian keetle, wooooo!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: jenna appleseed on December 25, 2020, 04:27:37 AM
"Don't be silly David, that was the real Joe Pasquale in a comedy Bob Marley racist rasta dreads wig & jafaken accent, popping round to cheer you up 'cos he's heard you were a bit down about your house &, all those priceless stolen antiquities going up in smoke. Don't you remember?"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 25, 2020, 09:33:08 AM
"Are these me lookers or me see-ers I'm wearing, love?" David Dickinson asks Ada Dickinson.

"You have bifocals remember, David."

"Oh yeah. Merry Christmas, love! Here's your Poundstretcher perfume!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: jenna appleseed on December 25, 2020, 07:08:08 PM
David Dickinson goes out for his traditional skinflint Christmas dinner from the Chippy and complains the chips aren't cheap enough.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 26, 2020, 01:11:04 PM
David Dickinson spends most of Boxing Day peering out the front window through a pair of binoculars.

"David, dinner's ready!"

"Not for me, love! I nearly spied some scamps attempting to trespass, I've got my big stick ready to go in for the kill!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 29, 2020, 01:51:23 PM
"Look at this, Ada! It's that George Foreman Grill we purchased in Denby! Still in it's box!"

"Sigh... another wasted purchase, David Dickinson."

David Dickinson always keeps a fresh bag of Fox's Glacier Mints in the glove compartment of his Volvo. He never eats them, but it's just in case one day he develops a passion for the popular clear sweets.

David Dickinson sticks a 'NO TRESSPASSERS' sign in the field next to his house. A passing police officer takes him up on this.

"Sir, this is public land... the erection of such a sign is a local council matter, and is forbidden by private citizens under law."

"The only erection here is you, y'big cock! You're just a nanny state busybody, pal!"

Night in the cells.

David Dickinson is disappointed to discover this month's copy of The Reader's Digest is not on the doormat this morning. "It's due and all."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 30, 2020, 02:00:40 PM
David Dickinson once attempted to have an affair with Lindsey Dawn Mackenzie, but she was put off by the smell of linseed oil.

David Dickinson has a collection of Panorama recordings beginning in 1981 and going on up to 1994. "Never watched it, just wanted to look clever. Look at that shelf, every VHS is 'Panorama' in clean, neat felt tip pen."

David Dickinson carefully wraps two daggers in cloth and makes his way to Eric Knowles house. "I muzz'd plunge both daggers into his flesh on the stroke of midnight, else the ritual will not work!"

David Dickinson once sued Clive James for describing him as "an over-inflated satsuma with the ego of a landslide," in TV Quick.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on December 30, 2020, 05:23:57 PM
"Hullo? Hullo! I'm oop the top ae Ben Nevis moontain. Its all cauld an foggy and I've lost ma way!"

"Is that you Mr Dickenson?"

"No no, I'm wee Jockie McDickie an I've nae socks!"

"We've told you about this before, Mr Dickenson. Wasting Mountain Rescue's time is a serious matter."

"Hee hee hee...haaaawahahaha ha ha..... ha..aaaa... ooooh.. that were a classic. Did you hear that Ada love?"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Cuntbeaks on December 30, 2020, 06:34:40 PM
David Dickinson dresses up in his dead mothers clothes and after a few hours of mincing about and barking obscenities at a child effigy of himself, he gives his fartslot an angry dildoing.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on December 31, 2020, 01:15:13 PM
David Dickinson calls Ainsley Harriot and asks if could he prepare some nibbles for this evening's New Year get-together. "Because of the covid it'll only be me and Ada and one other - probably Farmer Jenkins - but if you make some nice cocktail sossies or owt and stick 'em in a Tupperware box that'd be great, Ainsley mate. Send 'em by express post, might get here before midnight. Sorry, I know it's last-minute."

David Dickinson pours himself and Ada huge glasses of sherry and the two settle down to watch Jool's Hootenanny. "And don't say how good it is of the musicians to give up their New Year's Eves Ada, the fucker's probably recorded in July!"

David Dickinson's New Year's Resolution is to be "kinder to less-fortunate folk. For instance that beggar man on the high street, he'll get a single, shining pound coin off me instead of a scowl in future. When I'm in good form."

David Dickinson has already scheduled his summer holidays for 2021. "We're going to Lanzarote if I have to hijack a plane, Ada!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 01, 2021, 01:51:42 AM
David Dickinson wakes up on 1st Jan with the worst hangover ever. "Remind me never to mix Sandeman Port and Jägermeister again, Ada!"

David Dickinson takes down his 'No tramps, no beggars, no immigrants, no transgenders, no Irish," sign from the front garden. "It's time for the era of hate to end, Ada." He crosses off everything except 'no immigrants' and puts the sign back up. "Not fond of the Irish, but you've got to get with the times."

David Dickinson glares at himself in the hall mirror for five minutes. "I've never seen such mercurial danger in anyone's eyes, ever," he tells a beer tap handle down The Worrisome Pheasant later. He thought he was addressing the landlord but the landlord went out for a smoke half an hour ago and David is fucking pissed.

David Dickinson climbs to the top of Ben Nevis and screams his lungs out. "I needed that!" he chuckles to himself as he munches a piece of Kendal Mint Cake.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 02, 2021, 02:12:35 AM
David Dickinson's cure for insomnia? Drinking lighter fluid. "I might have to try summit else though Ada, I don't think it's doing me any good in the long run."

David Dickinson finds a dusty old Ralph McTell cassette whilst cleaning out the garage one Sunday morning. "So how can you tell me you're lo-on-ely... and say for you that the sun don't shine?" he sings to himself with a tear in his eye.

David Dickinson rings John McEnroe and asks him if he fancies mending his shed for a tenner. "I've got Joe Swash and Ainsley Harriot working for me, John, you won't be on your own... oh come on mate, you must be skint at this stage!"

David Dickinson 'borrows' a bin truck from the council and drives it to Dover. "I must be having a midlife crisis or owt!" he tells Ada when he gets home that night.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on January 03, 2021, 12:37:12 PM
David Dickenson's neighbour Chris Eubank has gone on a hunting safari for two weeks and has asked the Dickensons to take care of his cat Conan-Doyle while he's away.

David Dickenson has copies of the keys made and moves into the house the moment Chris Eubank's taxi leaves for the airport and spends the first day making an inventory of valuable items. "This place is a bloody gold mine!" he tells his twin brother Darren Dickenson on the phone.

Over the next few days he takes the items to the local pawn shop starting with all of Chris Eubank's championship belts. He invests all the money from pawning the valuables into Bitcoin. "I'll be back to take all this off your hands next week," he assures Nazi Dave the pawn shop owner.

After a week the value of Bitcoin has tripled and David Dickenson celebrates by putting on Chris Eubank's shirt (non-monogramed as the monogramed ones have all been pawned) and a pair of his underpants and dancing round the empty house playing 'Old Time Rock and Roll' on his phone, and drinking Chris Eubank's Hennessy cognac.

The next morning David Dickenson wakes up on the floor next to two empty cognac bottles and a pile of his own vomit. "Lucky I pawned the rug he he," he laughs to himself. He looks at his phone and logs into the Bitcoin Billionaire forum only to find the price of Bitcoin has crashed overnight!

"Fuckin ell I don't know what I'm going t'do!" tells his twin brother Darren Dickenson. "Last night I was 900 grand up, now I'm on the bones of me arse!"

"You still have the bitcoin," Darren Dickenson tells him. "How much is it worth now?"

"A damn sight less than I bloody bought if for! And I've nowt else, we've been living on Ada's savings for the last two years!"

"Its still something David, enough to deal with.... You're going to have to deal like a Dickenson's never dealt before!"

"You're right, Darren. You always were the brainy one!"

David Dickenson cleans himself up, has some hair of the dog and logs into the dark web. For the next two days he trades like fury, buying illicit Nazi memorabilia and selling it on before it's been shipped, making a little bit of profit each time. Starting with a crate of 'Pervetin' mephamphetamine, he bargains and deals his way up to being the owner of a functioning V2 rocket. He then trades this for something he knows will be even more valuable for Nazi Dave.

The next morning he enters the pawn shop two minutes ahead of a DHL van bearing a casket with the remains of Hermann Göring inside. "Deal?" he says to Nazi Dave, smiling. "Absolutely!" says Nazi Dave, "and I'll chuck fifty quid on top. Sieg fuckin Heil!".

Chris Eubank is flying back the next morning and all his furniture and valuables are back in place with a couple of hours to spare. David Dickenson is sitting back in a sofa ready to welcome him when he notices that a swastika has been scratched into the side of a Louis XV cabinet. "Fucking ell, Dave. You just couldn't help yerself could you?".

David Dickenson reaches for his phone and makes a call. "Oh Hello, French polishers? It's just possible you could save my life!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 03, 2021, 02:33:56 PM
Eubank sighs and calls the police. "Hello, police, David Dickinson has... actually, it's too confusing to explain. Forget it."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 04, 2021, 03:53:46 PM
David Dickinson is looking forward to the start of 'Antiques Season'. "It kicks off every January," he tells C4 news-legend-not-GoT-character Jon Snow. "Every village and bailiwick from Exeter, England to Lanarkshire, Scotland is a-buzz with the curious curio fan!" But Snow shows little interest. "I'm hanging up now David, Krishnan Guru-Murthy has promised to take me out for a pint. You go safe now, mate."

David Dickinson always lets "the Little Woman' do the housework, with one exception. "I iron all my shirts myself," he tells a local reporter on a particularly slow news day, "I make sure they're crisp and neat and ready for any antiques event!"

David Dickinson enjoys an Airwolf DVD boxset binge with a cup of Maxwell House and a box of Family Circle. "Does it get any better than this?" he asks pet poodle Helen.

David Dickinson jams a flyer advertising an anti-immigration demo into new neighbour Giles Coren's letterbox.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 05, 2021, 08:02:02 PM
David Dickinson once got blind drunk in a London nightclub in the '90s and ended up having a 45-minute conversation about ground frost with Terence Trent D'arby.

David Dickinson once plotted to buy Carlisle and turn it into "the antiques centre of the world".

David Dickinson makes himself a screwdriver at his home cocktail bar and puts his feet up with some James Galway on the stereo. "Can't beat Galway!"

David Dickinson attempts to make a citizen's arrest in the local Asda by telling Brian Conley to "stay where you are and empty out y'pockets, lad!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on January 06, 2021, 03:49:11 PM
An astonishing fully intact tomb of an Egyptian pharaoh from the 19th dynasty has just been discovered. Incredibly, David Dickinson is invited to be the first foreigner to enter the tomb as part of a BBC documentary. He goes throught the motions but is ultimately unimpressed.

"Load of rubbish, you'll never beat BRITISH antiques," he tells his cousin Denzel Dickinson on a video call from the hotel bar later that night. "Still, its a nice little pay-day! Anyway got to go, I've still got a half bottle of Kahlua in the room."

The former sun-god Ra overhears this call from the underworld and promptly puts a curse on the Dickinson family.

Later that night David receives a message from Denzel. "David, have you seen the family whatsapp group? Everyone's profile pic has turned into a skull and I cant' get hold of any of 'em. Is this another one of your pranks?"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 07, 2021, 05:38:53 PM
David Dickinson is not pleased that Eric Clapton has moved in next door. "He was effin' and jeffin' like mad in the post office yesterday," grumbles Dickinson to wife Ada in the kitchen, "I said, 'lay off, Eric, there's kiddies and women present!'"

David Dickinson is a bit of a conspiracy nut, and regularly details his theories to Rick Wakeman over a glass or two of brandy. "You know what Rick, I reckon the Missing Link mystery is somehow linked to aliens. By the way, don't tell anyone I said that, they'll think I'm crackers."

David Dickinson once swam across the Atlantic and grabbed himself a burger in a diner in New Jersey - before swimming home again! "I'm a man of hidden talents, me!" he tells a fox during a weekend ramble.

David Dickinson thinks President Putin is "rather handsome. Probably got some dodgy politics, I don't know, but I'd give my right testicle to look like that!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: dissolute ocelot on January 07, 2021, 09:26:26 PM
Dickinson looks at a silver soup spoon in a Worthing junk shop, gives it a polish with his hankie, but he still can't see his reflection. "Am I even here?" he asks. The shopkeeper does not reply.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: frajer on January 07, 2021, 10:20:45 PM
David Dickinson commissions a Victorian music hall-style ventriloquist’s dummy in his own image and spends the weekend committing a string of murders, safe in the knowledge he’s got a cast-iron alibi. “It were you what possessed me, weren’t it Little Dickin? Heehee!” The immaculately coiffured mahogany dummy stares at its master unblinkingly.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 07, 2021, 10:22:56 PM
David Dickinson commissions a Victorian music hall-style ventriloquist’s dummy in his own image and spends the weekend committing a string of murders, safe in the knowledge he’s got a cast-iron alibi. “It were you what possessed me, weren’t it Little Dickin? Heehee!” The immaculately coiffured mahogany dummy stares at its master unblinkingly.

3:00AM. David Dickinson is awoke by a soft ruffling beside the bed. "That you, Ada love?"

No.

It is the dummy.

"AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHH!!!"

End theme! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwg7ZVOu5e0)
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: jenna appleseed on January 07, 2021, 10:39:24 PM
David Dickinson commissions a Victorian music hall-style ventriloquist%u2019s dummy in his own image and spends the weekend committing a string of murders, safe in the knowledge he%u2019s got a cast-iron alibi. %u201CIt were you what possessed me, weren%u2019t it Little Dickin? Heehee!%u201D The immaculately coiffured mahogany dummy stares at its master unblinkingly.

I've seen that episode of Mrs. Columbo and it doesn't end well.

He tried cutting the dummy's  throat so it couldn't squeal on him, but Mrs. Columbo got it to talk.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: frajer on January 08, 2021, 08:53:45 AM
I've seen that episode of Mrs. Columbo and it doesn't end well.

He tried cutting the dummy's  throat so it couldn't squeal on him, but Mrs. Columbo got it to talk.

I'd be well up for an episode of Columbo where Dicko is the murderer. Maybe the coffee's kicking in but I now want that more than anything in life.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: jenna appleseed on January 08, 2021, 06:26:17 PM
I'd be well up for an episode of Columbo where Dicko is the murderer. Maybe the coffee's kicking in but I now want that more than anything in life.

It wasn't proper Columbo though, it was a bit rubbish bonus episode of Janeway from Voyager pretending to be Columbo's Wife, doing boring 'comedy' housewife stuff between the plot bits (tragic misunderstood schizophrenic nice to sick kiddies & nuns ventriloquist murderer was kinda like an extra creepy Richard Carpenter, almost as if they were sending him up.).

A proper 70s style Columbo with Dickinson playing a version of of himself, like the Johnny Cash one, would have been aces.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: jenna appleseed on January 08, 2021, 06:27:44 PM
He tried cutting the dummy's  throat so it couldn't squeal on him, but Mrs. Columbo got it to talk.

That sound I made it up but it's genuinely part of the plot, one of the dummies got buried 'alive' too.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 08, 2021, 09:32:41 PM
David Dickinson's local constituency is a rotten borough, and so every time a local election takes place, David uses his Machiavellian ways to ensure a Conservative minister is elected. "Been this way since time forgotten and we're not changing now!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on January 09, 2021, 01:37:07 PM
David Dickinson takes a correspondence course in telekinesis with mixed results. He is unable to move antiques but he can change the channel on his TV using only the power of his mind.

David Dickenson sends out an email blast "to the whole clan" to organise a Gathering of The Dickinsons. "Probably going to ask us all for money again," snorts his uncle Dougie Dickinson, as he reads the message out to his wife.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 10, 2021, 08:03:51 PM
John Challis blanks David Dickinson in the local Morrisons. "BOYCIE WAS ALWAYS ME LEAST FAVOURITE OF THE FOOLS AND HORSES GANG!" Dickinson yells after him.

Ada Dickinson's laptop is on the blink, and she is delighted when her hubby actually allows her to use his to order the shopping for once. This is only because David Dickinson has figured out how to clear history.

David Dickinson buys a horse and names it Clara. It's as simple as that.

David Dickinson has just put his feet up to watch Gardner's World when Ada pops her head in the living room door and asks him to fix that light switch in the loft that's needed repairing for months. "Bloody woman, don't know why I married her," grumbles Dickinson as he puts his cuppa down and goes up to "mend the fucking thing".
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 11, 2021, 03:18:37 AM
"What are you watching, David love?"

"Oh it's one of them Star Wars movies, Ada. Total bobbins. Computer graphics and robots and jedis and other such nonsense."

But David Dickinson is clearly enjoying himself as she places his cuppa down, and she observes that he remains entranced during occasional peeks over her copy Woman's Way.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 12, 2021, 12:12:03 AM
David Dickinson Googles 'hot french tarts' the minute his wife pops out to Asda.

David Dickinson always keeps a bottle of Maalox in his car's glove compartment, "should an emergency arise during negotiations and sales and such."

David Dickinson buys a yacht off Jeff Lynne during a chat in a local restaurant and orders champagne to celebrate. "Here's to many happy hours of sailing, Dave!" toasts Lynne. "Don't give me that old pony, Jeff, easiest five grand you've ever earned," snaps Dickinson. "And it's 'David', not 'Dave', to you, son!"

David Dickinson sends a fan letter to Nigel Mansell, telling him "You are my hero, sir, if only more of Britain's youth had the strength and courage you so obviously possess!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 14, 2021, 05:43:49 AM
David Dickinson goes for a pint with Bernie Clifton, but Dickinson gets into a bit of a bate and tears Clifton's spleen out and boots it over the road.

During a phone chat with Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, David Dickinson describes his drinks cabinet as "roughly the size of a small elephant or rhino".

David Dickinson pretends he is going bird watching again, but really he's the peeping Tom the town have been trying to discover the identity of. "Come on love, leave those curtains open!" salivates Dickinson up a tree.

David Dickinson's dream is to make all the endangered animals of the world extinct and make them into a collection of finery.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on January 14, 2021, 07:42:50 AM
David Dickinson finds a human ear in his garden. He just throws it over the fence, doesn't call the police or anything.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on January 15, 2021, 02:38:14 AM

David Dickinson pretends he is going bird watching again, but really he's the peeping Tom the town have been trying to discover the identity of. "Come on love, leave those curtains open!" salivates Dickinson up a tree.


David Dickinson commissioned his tailor to make a suit of bark especially for his peeping activities. "Its got acorns for buttons," he tells James Ellroy in an International Peepers Club zoom call. "I've got a full wrap-around head mask made of bark an all. It just has one eye hole to increase the camouflagery, I call it The Cyclops."

James Ellroy nods approvingly. "You see guys, what did I tell ya? This Brit's got stones." But there's no one else on the call. Or in the International Peepers Club.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 15, 2021, 03:20:56 AM
^Heh!

David Dickinson is doing his morning routine. "Have y'seen me comb, Ada? I look like the wreck of the bloody Hesperus! I didn't swear!"

David Dickinson prepares a nice Bourneville cocoa and puts his feet up with Sky Sports. "Ahhh. It's afternoon's like these make life worth living for, Fredrick!" he tells his pet parrot.

David Dickinson orders a pair of monographed slippers online. "They'll have 'DD' on 'em, Ada. You put in your initials and the online people do the job. It's magic, the Internet is!"

David Dickinson pops into the betting shop while Ada is in getting her nails done. "Fifty both ways on 'Wild Hoof', George. Hurry up, the missus will be out in a minute!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 16, 2021, 07:51:32 AM
David Dickinson describes Steve Davis as "the cunt of all cunts" to Todd Carty during a round of golf in Cheshire. "But don't tell him I said that, Todd. You're on your word."

David Dickinson attempts to make his own Angel Delight using cream and strawberry Nesquik but fails miserably.

David Dickinson steals a penny farthing from the local museum and sells it for £200 to Mark King of Level 42.

David Dickinson deliberately has his back garden fence enlarged so as to block out his neighbour's light. When the neighbour complains, Dickinson tells him to "go swivel on a dildo, you ugly fucking twat."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 18, 2021, 02:17:24 AM
David Dickinson rings Michael Palin to tell him "I love y'travels shows, but not y'comedy nor y'politics, mate."

David Dickinson puts the coal scuttle up for auction, but withdraws it when he begins to feel pangs of guilt. "Ada loves that thing."

David Dickinson is up till 4AM Googling images of sideboards. "I know Ada, it's become a problem."

David Dickinson catches and kills a goose for supper. "I'm going back to nature, me! Got a cloth, Ada, I'm fucking splattered with blood!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Captain Z on January 18, 2021, 02:23:05 AM
David Dickinson is up till 4AM Googling images of sideboards. "I know Ada, it's become a problem."

Superb.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on January 18, 2021, 01:16:24 PM
David Dickinson snaps up a couple of CD singles at a car boot sale. No Limits by 2 Unlimited and Breathe by The Prodigy. "You have to get with the times, Ada."

Much to Ada's annoyance the CDs are soon on heavy rotation in the Dickinson household with David loudly singing along. "No no no no no no no no Theres No REFUNDS. He he he thats what I'll say if we open the shop again Ada. No Refunds. Did you hear that Ada? No Refunds."

"Hold on, hold on Ada... here it comes, this is my favourite bit. Wait.... wait..... YOURE THE VICTIM!!"

later that night, David whispers to Ada...."Ada love, are you awake?"
"David? What time is it?"
"Ada.."
"What is it?"
"YOU'RE THE VICTIM!!!!"
"unbelievable"
"Hahaha its that new song I like! Hehehe oooooh god I'm funny. YOURE THE VICTIM!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 19, 2021, 01:37:01 AM
Superb.

Cheers Cap Z!

David Dickinson snaps up a couple of CD singles at a car boot sale. No Limits by 2 Unlimited and Breathe by The Prodigy. "You have to get with the times, Ada."

"Shite, I forgot to grab the Zombie Nation single! Never mind I'll pick it up next week, a cheap-as-chips bargain at 50p!"

David Dickinson invites Warwick Davis round for tea. "As long as we follow the covid guidelines we should be fine, Warwick. I'll pop a cushion on a chair for you. Just out of interest, do you wear child-sized masks?"

David Dickinson emails Giles Brandreth asking about any antiques he might have. "I'll evaluate each item and give you my honest opinion, Giles. Then I'll sell the good 'uns on for you. Won't gyp you mate, scout's honour. Scout's honour."

David Dickinson fashions a St. George flag out of a pair of Ada's old bloomers, drawing the cross on with a pink felt tip pen. "We'll wave that out the chimney should the zombie apocalypse happen, Ada. Any day now. Any day now."

David Dickinson builds his own time machine out of an old church organ and some bagpipes. "It durn't work but you can't fault me for fucking trying," he tells Michael Portillo during a Zoom chat.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 20, 2021, 12:18:01 PM
The Woeful Dolphin is the venue for David Dickinson's '60s night. He will be on DJ duties, dressed as Sgt. Pepper era Lennon and promises "the raffle to end all raffles!"

David Dickinson crosses Bill Wyman off his soiree invitation list. "He only drinks Bass and I don't know where you can get that anymore, Ada. I mean there's a crate of Guinness under the sink, but he'd probably roll his eyes and moan about the lack of Bass all evening. So fuck 'im."

David Dickinson divorces Ada and marries a local spinster because she has what appears to be a genuine Chippendale cabinet in her loft. But it turns out to be a cheap reproduction so he splits from the spinster and remarries Ada. "Sorry about all that, love!"

You can't fault David Dickinson for trying! He's been on one of those things where you have to lift a prize up with a little crane in the local shopping mall for the last two hours but no luck!
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on January 20, 2021, 05:54:20 PM
The Woeful Dolphin is the venue for David Dickinson's '60s night. He will be on DJ duties, dressed as Sgt. Pepper era Lennon and promises "the raffle to end all raffles!"

David's cousin Desmond Dickinson wins the raffle of course but no-one is any the wiser and the plan goes off without a hitch.

"It wouldnt be a 60s night without me party piece," announces David later in the night before putting on a flaming helmet and spinning The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. Disturbed by the heat, a family of starlings suddenly evacuates David's hair where they have been living for the past 3 months.

The Woeful Dolphin is rocking and the night is a huge success. At one point a local biker gang, who had volunteered to provide 'security', murders one of the pub-goers. But David quickly puts the party back on track by playing 'Yellow Submarine' and getting a good old singalong going.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 20, 2021, 06:28:35 PM
"It wouldnt be a 60s night without me party piece," announces David later in the night before putting on a flaming helmet and spinning The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. Disturbed by the heat, a family of starlings suddenly evacuates David's hair where they have been living for the past 3 months.

V. Good!
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 21, 2021, 11:19:11 AM
David Dickinson is preparing a surprise romantic dinner for Ada for their anniversary. "Candle on the table, Simple Red's 'Stars' ready to go on the stereo.... Tesco Ready Meals should be done any minute!"

David Dickinson finds a fiver outside a charity shop. "Feel guilty not donating it, but fuck it, finder's keeper, gonna buy a jazz mag!"

David Dickinson jams a bound-and-tied Simon Bates into the back of his Volvo and drives him to a wooded area nearby. He shoots Bates in the back of the head and buries him beneath an oak tree. Bates begged for an explanation before Dickinson pulled the trigger, but Dickinson remained stony-faced.

David Dickinson is actually a secret agent and has been working for MI5 since the 1960's.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on January 21, 2021, 12:44:54 PM
David Dickinson is actually a secret agent and has been working for MI5 since the 1960's.

David Dickinson is actually a double agent. He went undercover in East Berlin in 1987 but was recruited by a young Vladimir Putin with a promise of a rummage in the Kremlin attics.

The promise never materialised and David thought he had avoided his obligations with the end of the cold war. Until last week when an unfamiliar number called his phone as he was enjoying a casual business drink in the 'Forsaken Mallard'.

"Fascinating story Ainsley mate, fascinating... just give me a minute will you?, got a call from the old 'ball and chain'," he winks.

"Speak," he answers impatiently from the taxi (he's already skipped and left his friend with the bill).

"Mahogany Owl, this is Vladivostok Fox. Operation Leopard has been activated."

"You what mate? I've no idea what yer sellin but I can tell you fer nowt I'm not interes-   ............ oh fuck."

"Yes"

"I knew this day would come... Send me the coordinates," he sighs.

One week later and David is in the belfry of Westminster cathedral with a high velocity sniper rifle and a cyanide capsule. "This better be fucking worth it," he mutters to himself and the followers of his live Facebook stream.

Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 22, 2021, 08:17:03 AM
Three weeks later, David Dickinson is strolling around London when he is suddenly waylaid by two burly men who stick a sack over his head and throw him into the back of a Mercedes with tinted windows. After a long drive, he is bundled out onto a airfield and tossed into a light aircraft. The next thing he knows the plane is landing, and he is ushered out onto Russian soil. The sack is removed and he is greeted by nonother than President Putin himself!

"Comrade Dickinson, you have done well. Please accept this small, not-very-valuable music box as a token of our appreciation."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 23, 2021, 11:49:36 AM
"Joe, come over 'ere!"

"What is it, Mr. Dickinson?"

"You can call me David son, we've discussed this before... anyway, could you please settle an argument? Ainsley reckons that hedge looks even, whereas I say he's done bad job. What d'yah reckon?"

"Looks alright to me Mr.- I mean, David."

"Hmmm. Alright. Carry on."

"Oh I meant to ask you... when are we getting that 50p pay rise you promised us, Dave?"

"Er, I'll discuss it later. And I don't like 'Dave', it's too familiar, Ainsley. Now back to work, you two!"

"Yes, David!" Joe Swash and Ainsley Harriot say in unison.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 24, 2021, 12:10:24 PM
"I'll tell you something I've changed my mind about Mick," David Dickinson tells neighbour Mick Hucknall over the garden fence, "marmalade. Couldn't even look at a marmalade jar as a child, now I can't get enough of the stuff!"

"That's interesting, David," Hucknell reacts, vaguely.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 25, 2021, 12:42:08 PM
David Dickinson forms a political party called Silent Majority. "Our main goal is to stop wind farms," he tells a Daily Star journalist. "Oh, bit of trivia for you, it was originally called 'The Silent Majority Party' but Piers Morgan suggested that shorting it would be more 'hip'. Cheers, mate!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on January 29, 2021, 02:52:50 PM
David Dickinson designs and models his own unique 'Antiques Fashion' style of clothes at international fashion shows.

A reporter from Fashion TV asks him to describe his latest ensemble.

"Well, glad you asked me mate. I'm wearing a 19th century chinoiserie cabinet with glued on Edward VIII coronation 'breast plates' worn over a Tudor doublet (fifteenth century that!) and chevroned pin stripe trousers- "model's own" of course! On me feet I've wearing a pair of early 19th century Staffordshire Toby Jugs, which are surprisinlgy comfy! I always say fashion is nowt wi'out accessories and for those I'm wearing something a bit more recent: strings of gold necklaces draped over me wrists which Mr. T sold to yours truly when he fell on hard times in 1997. On the end of 'em I've put something for the kiddies- a 1977 Atari 2600 and a 1980 mint condition Tauntaun toy from the Star Wars."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 29, 2021, 03:28:25 PM
"Well, glad you asked me mate."

"I'm a woman!"

"Y'fooled me love, crikey!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on January 30, 2021, 03:43:46 AM
"Joe, come over 'ere!"

"What is it, Mr. Dickinson?"

"You can call me David son, we've discussed this before... anyway, could you please settle an argument? Ainsley reckons that hedge looks even, whereas I say he's done bad job. What d'yah reckon?"

"Looks alright to me Mr.- I mean, David."

"Hmmm. Alright. Carry on."

"Oh I meant to ask you... when are we getting that 50p pay rise you promised us, Dave?"

"Er, I'll discuss it later. And I don't like 'Dave', it's too familiar, Ainsley. Now back to work, you two!"

"Yes, David!" Joe Swash and Ainsley Harriot say in unison.

Under pressure from his family, Joe Swash moves to another village two hours drive away. He immediately starts sleeping better, putting on weight again and playing with- instead of shouting at- his children.

A couple of months later he receives a phone call from an unknown number.

"Joe mate, how av you been? Listen son, I've a job for you. Me neighbour on the left Mick Hucknall's going on holiday so I need a strong lad like you to move the fence over a couple of feet into his land."

"Er.... I'm not sure Mr Dickinson"

"David, lad. You can call me David."

"Its just that my wife-"

"Come on," David interrupts. "I dont want to leave Ainsley to do it on his own, he'll make a rotten job of it. I need a man like you son, to make sure its done proper."

"I dont know Mr Dickin-, I mean David. Its two bus trips to get there and what about that 50p raise..."

"Not out of the question, son. Not out of the question. Let's start at 5p and then we'll see where we go from there. But dont breathe a word to Ainsley."

"....Ok"

"Good lad. Ill see you here tomorrow at 7. Dont be late or I'll have your guts for garters."



Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on January 30, 2021, 07:27:43 PM
"Good lad. Ill see you here tomorrow at 7. Dont be late or I'll have your guts for garters."

Swash arrives at 6:45 just to be on the safe side. A sleepy David Dickinson peers out of the bedroom window.

"Got y'text, good lad turning up early," he calls down. "Ainsley will be here at ten, never gets here till ten, the lazy bugger. The list of chores is pinned to the shed there. Oh, Bobby Davro will be joining you today too. I'll be down to see how you're getting on about one-ish."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on February 01, 2021, 02:41:24 PM
"Howdy, Dazzler!"

"Ha ha, let's just keep it 'Davro', David!"

David Dickinson chuckles humourlessly. "Don't like that, then?" Alright mate, I'll drop it. Where's Joe, by the way?"

"Swashy's washing his hands in the kitchen, apparently your wife is preparing some lunch for us."

"Ada always was a bit soft... Ainsley finished cleaning out the stables yet?"

"Not yet, David. Look, about that 5p pay ri-"

"-AH TA TA TA, BOBBY! It's only your first month, let's not be hasty!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Pink Gregory on February 01, 2021, 06:00:27 PM
Dickinson's Meal Deal
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on February 01, 2021, 06:08:13 PM
"You finished mucking out yet Ainslie?"

"Just about David, a bit more to go."

"Well stop yapping and get cracking son. Go on."

"Yes David.... er David, I was wondering.. theres no horse living here. So who's making all the ---"

David glares furiously at Ainslie, rooting him to the spot.

"Oh"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on February 02, 2021, 02:22:21 PM
"Do we have to say grace first, Mrs. Dickinson?"

"No no, tuck in Joe!"

"Mmmm. This is lovely, Mrs. D!"

"Aye Ainsley, me wife makes a smashing shepherd's pie!"

"Wall's Viennetta for afters, boys!"

"That's me favourite!"

"Calm down Bobby, lad. Any more peas, Ada love?"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: jenna appleseed on February 02, 2021, 10:04:54 PM
^ thread accidentally invents a euphoria spin off.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on February 09, 2021, 08:42:31 PM
"Ainsley, have you got the hedge-trimmer?"

"There you go, Bobby. Any sign of Swashy?"

"JOE! Oh here he is."

"Hiya lads. Gonna knock off for the day. Dane said he can finish mending that woodwork bench on his own."

Dane Bowers suddenly emerges from the shed.

"Anyone got a smoke - oh hold up, here's His Nibs!"

"Alright lads," croaks David Dickinson, "how are y'getting on?"

"We'll have that garden weeded by Friday David," pipes up Ainsley, "but I'm afraid I'll be away at the weekend so those new seedlings will have to wait."

"No problem Ainsley, I've got H from Steps and somebody from S Club 7 coming on board. They're cheap as chips!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on February 11, 2021, 01:03:58 PM
David Dickinson's neighbour Mick Hucknall has had his return from holidays delayed by that there Covid pandemic.

David calls a meeting at next morning's roll call. "This is a golden oppurtunity boys so let's not waste it. Ainsley, I want you and Joe to take up his patio, he's got nice limestone pavers that'd look smashing outside my kitchen. H, dig up his vegetable garden- what Ada doesn't cook we'll sell for a pretty penny at the market. And make sure you get the topsoil an' all. Bobby, I need you to dig up some er animal remains from my garden and move em to his. Make sure you take the teeth and the han- the paws, smash em to pieces and burn em."

"What'll I do, David?" asks Andi Peters enthusiastically.

"You round up the S Club gang. I need the lead taken off his roof and lets move the fence again. I want an extra 3 feet of his land."

"Only 3 feet, David?" queries Andi. "Why not take 6 or 7, and then we could loop round that big conker tree at the bottom of the garden."

David considers this for a moment. "That's a bobby dazzling idea son! I like yer initiative.... Andi is it? Great idea. Y'hear that? You lazy lot could learn a thing or two from this lad."

Andi Peters skips off to find the S Club members as Ainsley, Bobby and Joe Swash glower at him resentfully.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on February 12, 2021, 12:42:17 AM
Hucknall arrives home from his super-spreader vacation to find some police officers waiting for him.

"Mr. Mick Hucknall?"

"Yes... what is it, Officer?"

"I am arresting you on suspicion of murder. Anything you say may be taken down and used in evidence against you."

Hucknall is handcuffed and placed in the back of the police car. David Dickinson peers out excitedly from the safety of his living room window.

"They've found the skeleton!"

"What's that, David?"

"Oh ah nothing, Ada love. Has Schofield finished the pond yet?"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on February 12, 2021, 10:46:52 PM
David Dickinson lays spurious claim to having performed "some" of the ba ba ba's in the Mind Your Language theme (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ9IeUAAOOw).
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on February 17, 2021, 07:04:21 AM
Not only has David Dickinson gifted the lads a £2 pay rise, he's even let them finish early this rainy Saturday afternoon and join him for a few cans and a bit of telly.

"What are you lot watching?" smiles Ada, popping her head into the lounge.

"Some superheroes thing called Age of Voltron, Ada love."

"It's Age of Ultron, Dave," corrects Joe Swash.

"I couldn't give tuppence what it's called - and don't ever call me 'Dave' again, Joe, you've been warned!"

There are several seconds of uncomfortable silence before Dickinson speaks again, this time in a much calmer tone.

"I'm sorry Joe, lad. Bit of a prob with the ol' temper sometimes. 'nother Tesco beer?"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on February 19, 2021, 08:00:49 AM
The afternoon wears on and on as more Tesco lagers are consumed. Videos of Dickenson's Guest Hour are on the telly with a running commentary from David.

"David, I'd better be getting off soon."

"Nonsense Bobby! There's plenty more beers and we still have another four episodes... after that we can put on What The Dickinson. Oh look, its Michael Aspel on the couch.. Ainsley, press pause will you, there's a funny story about this..."

Bobby Davro catches Ainsleys eye and frantically nods his head towards the clock and then the door. Ainsley just shakes his head glumly.

The interminable anecdotes continue and before the boys know its almost 8pm. David cuts short a story about 'backstabbing' within the Antiques Roadshow 'cabal' and stands up. "Just be a minute lads, need to open the floodgates, hehe."

Bobby whispers frantically to the gang. "Come on, this is our chance. Let's scarper!" The lads drunkenly tip toe out the house and out through David's front garden where they break into a run. Giddy with the Tesco beer, fresh air and the thrill of their escape the lads are all giggling and talking at once.

"Oh my god, I thought he was never going to shut up!"

"What do you mean? He's still in there telling stories about Bargain Hunt!"

"Oh lord, I'm gonna pee my pants, hey! where's H?"

"I didn't see him come out? Did you?"

"Oh no, he's not still in there is he?"

Just then, H appears carrying a crate of Tesco beers, a tub of Cadbury's Heroes and a bottle of Cutty Sark whisky! "I snuck back into his larder then escaped through the back garden, I almost fell in the fishpond!" he exclaims.

"H, you bloody legend! Come on boys, let's go down the park and polish this lot off!"

The boys all bound down to the park, chanting the riff from Seven Nation Army as they go.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: buttgammon on February 19, 2021, 08:05:58 AM
David Dickinson winds up a holding company that "never really got going."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on February 19, 2021, 08:13:46 AM
Ada Dickinson kills her husband and disposes of him by mashing him into marmalade which she sells at the local village fete. Nobody is any the wiser.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: buttgammon on February 19, 2021, 08:34:56 AM
Dickinson bursts into the party, resplendent in his tracksuit and medallions. "Now then now then", he splutters around the unlit cigar in his mouth. It's Halloween 2018, and nobody is impressed.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on February 19, 2021, 10:26:10 AM
David Dickinson sets up his own fruit stall in the local market, and creates a new catch phrase - 'Punnet for pound'.

"Punnet for pound, these are the best strawberries you'll find from Droitwich to Southend!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on February 19, 2021, 04:23:55 PM
David Dickinson vows to bring everyone together with a good old fashioned tug-o-war in the village high street as soon as lockdown is over.

The next day Andrew Ridgley receives a hand written note through his door informing him he will not be welcome to participate. "I didn't even know we were having a tug of war," he says non-plussed to his cat Wham Rap.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on February 19, 2021, 07:06:28 PM
Though he has absolutely no musical aptitude whatsoever, David Dickinson can play the Cheers theme tune note-perfect on the oboe.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on February 23, 2021, 03:33:59 PM
David Dickinson is idly looking out the front window when a car pulls up outside and a young woman gets out.

"Oh fuck, it's Hannah Spearritt! Out of the way, Ada, I've got to scarper out the back!"

The doorbell rings and Ada Dickinson answers it.

"Hello, Mrs. Dickinson?"

"Yes?"

"I'm Hannah Spearritt, I used to be in the pop band S Club 7 and in family sci-fi drama series Primeval.

"Yes, I know who you are."

"I'm wondering if I could speak to David, please?"

"Er, he's not here at the moment... can I take a message?"

"Yes, please tell him that I am strongly considering contacting the police in relation to his hiring of some of my celebrity friends. He's been paying them slave wages."

"What?! That's nonsense! David has Joe, Ainsley and the lot of 'em on a tenner an hour!"

"I'm afraid you've been lied to, Mrs. Davidson."

"Look, I know my husband served three years in prison for mail-order fraud, but he was just a kid! He's long reformed his ways!"

"Not if the pittance he has my mates on is to be believed, Mrs. D. In any case, tell him I'll be back, and if he refuses to speak with me I'll be getting the law involved."

Spearritt leaves and David comes out from behind the coal shed.

"What did she say, love?"

"I think she's going to call the cops on you, David. By the way, I want an explanation for all this."

"No time Ada, love. I'm er... just going out for a drive."

David sits in his car, but before he starts the ignition, he puts on a pair of black gloves and places a bottle of chloroform in the glove compartment.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on February 24, 2021, 01:42:40 PM
David Dickinson spends the day in Nantwich shopping for Toby Jugs.

David Dickinson buys a marmoset and takes it for a stroll through the Lake District.

David Dickinson is good mates with Freddie Flintoff and the pair can often be found out and about. "Meself and Flinty are like that," explains Dickinson, placing two fingers together. "You'll often find us having a coffee - sitting the required two metres apart, of course - outside The Flemish Squirrel in Cleethorpes. We'd be having pints of good English beer, only they only do takeaway teas and coffee at the mo because of this bloody Chinese plague."

David Dickinson only smokes Players Navy Cut.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 03, 2021, 04:47:29 PM
Joe Swash is killed in an unfortunate threshing accident on the Dickinson estate. Dickinson reads a moving elegy for him at the wake:

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
Swashy got kilt by a freaking thresher machine
He was me North, me South, me East and West
Me working week and m'Sunday best

And that's that. Now here's Ainsley to sing Bill Withers' 'Lovely Day'."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 04, 2021, 03:10:11 PM
Thankfully, it turns out Swashy survived after all. He rings Dickinson to ask if he can take "a duvet day to recover."

"A duvet day? I'm surprised you can afford a duvet on the wages you're on, son! No sorry shouldn't have said that. Go on, stay in bed. Be here bright and early tomorrow, though. The well need's repairing. Dangerous job, I'll pop an extra £3 in y'wage pack."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 06, 2021, 05:02:38 PM
"Sometimes I feel like you don't love me anymore, David!"

"What's love got to do with it, Ada? What's love but a second hand emotion?"

"You're heartless!"

"Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on March 07, 2021, 02:08:41 PM
David Dickenson starts a podcast called Carnal Confessions. His guests are Ainsley, Swashy, H from Steps and the rest who he compells to relate steamy tales by hinting at a future 3 digit (pence) payrise at some undefined point in the future.

"I'm telling you David, that's all there is, I've told you everything," begs an exhausted Bobby Davro at 4am in David's study.

"Come on Bobby, I know you've got something juicier than that!" rasps David. "No going home until you do, I need clicks and my subscribers' Caligula-like appetite for filth is insatiable!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 08, 2021, 01:51:16 PM
"Hallo Swashy, how are you managing there?"

"Okay David, nearly finished planting the crocuses!"

"Listen, Joe... I know we don't see eye to eye all the time... and uh, I know I pay you less than a fraction of the minimum wage... but I kind of think of you of the son I never had. To that end, I'd like your consent on these adoption papers I've obtained."

"Er, that's... I dunno what to say, David."

"JUST SIGN THE FUCKING PAPERS! Sorry, son."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 09, 2021, 04:57:49 PM
"Who's the new geezer David?"

"Mark Morrison, H from Steps. You know, 'Return of the Mack'!"

"Oh yeah. I'll tell you what, he's mended that fence in no time!"

"Yes, he's a lot faster than one of people from S Club 7 whose name I can't remember. Somebody's getting the sack, and it's not the Mack!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 10, 2021, 04:09:49 PM
"What's the pay like, Mr. Dickinson?"

"Two bob an hour. I'll lob an extra 50p on for the more dangerous tasks. Interested, girl from Vanilla?"

"No way no way - man-ah man-ah!"

Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on March 11, 2021, 11:50:30 AM
"How about you, girls from B*Witched?"

"Two bob??? What are ye like?"

"Get a Life!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 11, 2021, 04:43:56 PM
One particularly blustery day, David takes it upon himself to help the lads out in the garden. They he invites them into kitchen, pops the kettle on a produces a lovely fresh Battenberg. It's a wonderful, warm moment.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Melody Lee on March 12, 2021, 03:23:58 AM
David Dickinson recognises Paddy McGuinness whilst browsing the isles at the local B&Q. 'Paddy, son - Dingly-dangly-doo!' Dickinson shouts from afar. McGuinness, momentarily confused and uneasy, smiles politely and nods.

Out of sheer frustration and with great reluctance, David Dickinson lists a job lot on eBay - a large collection of 'chancy' items he purchased at a knock-down rate from the estate of Willie Thorne. He sighs and calls out to Ada 'It's just a load of old Star Trek tat, Love. Can't make head nor tail of it'.

Whilst searching Google, Ada Dickinson finds the existing search term 'fat trucker cock'. Confused, she shows David. He perches his glasses on the tip of his bulbous nose and after some moments thought exclaims 'It must be one of those viruses, Love'.
Two days later David gifts her a refurbished tablet from CEX. The laptop is nowhere to be seen. Ada later finds it in the shed with a password enabled.

Whilst having his luscious locks trimmed and coifed, David Dickinson compliments a smart-looking young hairdresser - 'You're the spitting image of a young Johnny Weissmuller'. The hairdresser, nonplussed, simply asks '...Who?'

David Dickinson gifts Fiona Bruce a carved wooden phallic owl. A small note is attached to the base with an elastic band, written in a clumsy attempt at copperplate is the message 'Both wise and virile - DD'.

Having decided to keep one of the miscellaneous items from the Thorne estate, David Dickinson places it on the desk in his study as a paperweight. The item in question, a teal-coloured translucent glass-like cube, sits there for almost a week before vanishing. On the night of its disappearance, Dickinson finds himself unaccountably paralysed for two hours whilst sitting on the toilet, only moments after witnessing a blinding flash of light.
After the paralysis subsides, Dickinson walks timidly to bed to find Ada awake. It is now 02:47am. She glares at him - 'Have you been on that computer?' she asks. Trembling and unsure of what has just transpired, David simply nods and apologises.
In the weeks that follow, Dickinson is plagued by dreams of tiny people in medical garb taking scrapings from his skin, cuttings from his hair and fluids from his loins.
Day by day, absorbed in routine, he pushes the whole strange affair to the back of his mind and moves on.
 
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 12, 2021, 12:50:46 PM
David Dickinson wakes up at 5.15 AM, clear of eye and bright of mind. He sits up in bed, going "oh, eh, yes, ah", the cogs within his mind turning and fitting together.
He pats the sleeping lump of his wife beside him fondly, muttering, "Ada, I do believe the Muse has come calling and it is time for me to begin writing my erotic memoirs."

Dressing in his thigh-length indigo crepe kimono, he skips downstairs to his study and his beloved antique Underwood typewriter, the synpases in his brain sizzling with activity.
"A fine analogue machine!" he exclaims, running his hands over the typewriter's flanks. "A perfect conduit for a man's artistic flow."
He feeds a sheet of heavyweight cartridge paper into the Underwood.
"Perhaps a motivational tug before we get going? No, no. Better to write on a full bag. It keeps things urgent."

David Dickinsen, at his Edwardian roll-top desk, very slowly begins to type with one finger, like an aged, myopic hen pecking at a patch of dirt.

It were

"No, no, no, David. Come on. Get your head in the game."

backspace backspace backspace backspace

clack clack clack clack


It were was sweltering hot in the hospitality tent on Warrington Town Hall Green. The famous antiques expert

"Oh, that won't do, either. Come on, Dickinson. You can do this."

The famous antiques expert Lothario of Time, The Duke Of Dust, The Human Lovejoy, Sir Dorvid Dockinson

"No..."

Sir Dorvid Dockinson Dickin Davidson

"No!"

Sir Dorvid Dockinson Dickin Davidson Douglas D'Kensington

"Ach, nein!"

Sir Dorvid Dockinson Dickin Davidson Douglas D'Kensington Daniel Derbyshire

"Yes, mate... like it. Like it."

Sir Dorvid Dockinson Dickin Davidson Douglas D'Kensington Daniel Derbyshire loosened his cravat in the mid-day humidity of Warrington in the summer. He had just finished inspecting, appraising and valuing a whole

"A whole... load. A shit load. Big old massive shit load of tat. Massive smorgasbord of shit and tat and fusty front bottoms. Vast... a vast array..."

a whole vast array of trinkets, heirlooms, keepsakes and tchotchkes, and now he was spent. He began to unbutton his silk blouse in the heat, just as his assistant

"Fiona... Viola... Smith... Viola Smith-Bruce? ... Violinia Smythe Bruce... Fifi Bru..."

just as his assistant Fionuala Forsythe-Bruce entered, fanning her elegant, swanlike neck with an item of literature advertising the full itinerary of the weekend-long antiques fete.

"New. Cunting. Paragraph."

Her fiery green eyes momentarily locked hungrily and hornily with Sir Daniel's.

"Steady on, old chap. Don't want the horse to bolt just yet."

However, as consummate professionals on the antiquities circuit, they maintained a strictly platonic and respectful business relationship that never went below the table.

He stroked his


"No, David. Not yet!"

He stroked his picked up a Dresden porcelain dog statuette and weighed it thoughtfully in his hands.

"Miss Forsythe-Bruce. I do declare it is quite a scorcher out there."

"I concur, Mr Derbyshire."

"Lord."

"I'm sorry?"

"It's Lord. Lord Derbyshire, you fu


"Oh sod this!" Dickinson exclaims, ripping the paper out of the carriage and screwing it up into a ball. "I wonder if Hugh Scully's got any coke?"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 15, 2021, 05:29:10 PM
^Nice work folks!

David Dickinson does yoga naked in the loft to the sound of the synth flutes in Gerry Rafferty's 'Baker Street' on a 1-hour loop.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on March 16, 2021, 03:09:00 PM
David Dickinson thinks that Cameron and Ferris travel backwards in time in the scene where they try and reverse the milometer in the movie Ferris Beuller's Day Off. "That's why he's singing about the Egyptians, he's met them!"
David's twitter bio is a constantly fluctuating ranking of 'me top three time-travellin-car films': Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Back To The Future and Herbie Subjugates the Gauls
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 18, 2021, 06:38:33 PM
"Here Ainsley, don't forget we have to go to B&Q to get that garden equipment today!"

"Oh shit, thanks for reminding me, Swashy! We'll take my car... come on, Bobby!"

Ainsley, Joe and Bobby pop into the car. Just as Ainsley is starting the engine, there's a tap on the driver side window.

"Room for a little 'un?"

"Oh hi David... er, you're coming to B&Q with us?"

"Nah mate, you can drop me off at the corner shop. Need to get me Daily Express and 20 Rothmans. I'll make me own way home!"

On the way back, the lads spot David standing outside a pub eating Quavers.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 19, 2021, 08:30:05 AM
"Are you sure you won't change y'mind, Ainsley?"

"Nah, sorry David mate, gotta move on. That chef gig in Bradford is just too tempting."

"Alright mate I'll miss yah. Take care."

"You too, David. Bye."

And with that, Ainsley Harriott heads off into the sunset. As David Dickinson watches him go at the garden gate, Coldplay's 'Trouble' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPzI4dpEcF8) can be heard in the background. David starts to cry.

And then he suddenly turns angry.

"Turn that bloody racket down, Joe!"

"Sorry, David. Just thought a bit of Coldplay would be nice."

"I'm surprized you didn't see Ainsley off!"

"Eh?! Mate, I'm meeting him for a pint later. He's not leaving town until Monday."

"A pint?! Why wasn't I invited? Never mind. Just going to phone Gregg Wallace and see if he fancies filling in for Ainsley."

"Er, hate to break this to you David, but Gregg still has a decent TV career."

"Nah mate. He's on the rocks. The BBC don't pay shite these days. Greggs won't say no to an extra fiver each week for a bit of fucking weeding work!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 24, 2021, 08:55:02 PM
David describes a local prostitute as "cheap as chips."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on March 28, 2021, 04:28:32 AM
"A pint?! Why wasn't I invited? Never mind. Just going to phone Gregg Wallace and see if he fancies filling in for Ainsley."

"Er, hate to break this to you David, but Gregg still has a decent TV career."

"Nah mate. He's on the rocks. The BBC don't pay shite these days. Greggs won't say no to an extra fiver each week for a bit of fucking weeding work!"

After several weeks badgering Gregg Wallace finally agrees to visit the Dickinson estate.

"David mate, vis is a lovely 'ouse and garden, I've got to 'and it to ya. Ada's sponge cake was terrific, and its always nice to meet some of the lower league lads. But let's get serious- Why av you brought me here?"

"Joe, Bobby, grab 'im!"

Joe and Bobby spring into action, pinion the muscular presenter's arms and hold him in place facing David.

"Look into my eyes Gregg, look at me, don't look away, you're just lookin at me....lookin at me Gregg.... I'm going to count down from ten... three, two, one you're under the hammer!"

"Wow! You've done it David! He's hypnotised!" chirps Bobby. "Now what do we do with him?"

"Try him on the shed, there. And get his shirt off I want to see those famous muscles working for me!"

Two hours later Gregg has completed a new paint job on the shed. "Look at the quality of that finish, Bobby. Its magnificent. Would have taken you all day and still been covered in drips and streaks, I bet" admonishes David.

"Vat is a lovely shed but it needs painting" Gregg says suddenly in a strange monotone voice, and proceeds to start painting the shed again!

After seeing the shed painted seven times, David's finally able to get Gregg started on a new job- the long promised latrine. "Ada's always nagging me about you lot bringing muddy footprints into the house and using the good 5-ply quilted. It's time you had your own 'conveniences'." he briefs the boys.

The shirtless Gregg immediately gets to work but once again proves hard to control. "Bloody hell, Bobby. I nip out to Asda and this is what I come back to? The garden looks like someone's being playing snakes! Why didn't you stop 'im?"

Bobby suppresses a snigger. "We can't stop him, David. He's like a machine! Not sure if this hypnotism thing is working out the way you.. we planned!"

"Get Paul McKenna on the line. Pronto!"

"Paul mate, its David Dickinson. How are you?.... really? that's fascinating. Listen mate, need a favour. Been using your book to put someone under my control. Only problem is, its worked too well, I put him on a task and I cant get him to stop! Can you come down here this afternoon, snap him out of it?

"Great... great thanks mate. Sorry? Well, I thought it would be a favour but no problem...... how about five pounds?.... Wait,how much? Fuck off mate!"


 
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on March 28, 2021, 05:18:41 AM
Gregg has been a good boy, and is allowed to join David and Ada for pudding.

"Cwoh, vat is lavely!"

"High praise coming from you, Gregg... spent all day on that lemon sponge and my hard work seems to have paid off! Gregg? Gregg, you're crying!"

"Calm down Ada, you'll wake him from the trance!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 02, 2021, 01:10:36 PM
"David, it's on the news! They're saying Gregg Wallace has gone missing and his family are very concerned! We'll have to let him go!"

"Sigh. Fair enough, Ada. We had a good run out of him. I'll just let him help Swashy finish painting this fence and then I'll ring Derren and ask him about how to snap him out of his trance. Then we'll release him into the wild. He'll be a bit disorientated I imagine, but once he's off my property he's on his own."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 03, 2021, 02:48:31 PM
"ADA, I'M STARTING THE COMPLETE THE WOMBLES DVD I FOUND IN POUNDLAND NOW! COME ON, IT'LL BE DEAD NOSTALGIC!"

"YOU GO AHEAD LOVE, I'M CLEANING OUT THE LOFT!"

"PLEASE Y'SELF, THEN," replies David, as the oboe theme begins and Cribbins starts to sing.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on April 04, 2021, 01:51:18 PM
"DAVID, ITS GREG WALLACE. HE'S UP HERE IN THE LOFT!"

"HE MUST HAVE WANDERED BACK ONTO THE PROPERTY IN THE NIGHT. IS HE STILL IN THE TRANCE?"

"LOOKS LIKE IT DAVID, HE'S JUST STANDING THERE STARING INTO SPACE"

"IF YE WANT SOMETHING ADA, SET IT FREE. IF IT COMES BACK- ITS YOURS TO KEEP! HE BELONGS TO US NOW"

"BUT WHAT'LL WE DO WITH HIM, DAVID?"

"EH... NOT SURE. LET ME WATCH THE WOMBLES FIRST AND THEN I'LL FIND A USE FOR 'IM. PUT A SHEET OVER HIS HEAD SO HE DOESN'T START MOVING AROUND UP THERE"

Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 05, 2021, 12:56:04 AM
"FUCK ME A GHOST! Oh it's just you, Greggs. Forgot Ada threw a sheet over ya."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 06, 2021, 12:58:36 PM
"David, I'm leaving you! Your antiques obsessions have gone too far!"

"NO ADA, WAIT-"

The door slams.

David spends the rest of the evening emptying the brandy decanter and listening to his specially-prepared 'break-up' compilation tape. Genesis' 'Hold on My Heart' gets repeat listenings.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 08, 2021, 12:24:31 AM
Davro accidentally runs over Dickinson with the Flymo. "Just see Ada is well done by!" cries David as he disappears beneath the mower.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 09, 2021, 05:53:08 PM
"David! There's somebody in the mantrap!"

"Well done Swashy... let's have a look... it's Matt Baker! We'll get him sorted and get him to work!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 11, 2021, 05:48:45 PM
Swashy and Davro are doing a bit of weeding one afternoon when they hear something of a kerfuffle going on near the back of the house. Looking up, they see David approaching holding onto a battering-looking man who has his hands tied behind his back.

"Please... NO!"

"Oh shut up, Bryan! Look at this lads, a prize catch! Bryan Ferry will be helping you dig out the stables later, won't you, Bryan?"

"You can't do this! The police will-"

"The local police have been payed off, Bryan. Furthermore, I've got those, shall we say, 'compromising' polaroids of you. Now get to work. There's a good lad. Swashy and Bobby will show you the ropes. Ada will do you some tea and scones later if you're a good boy. I'll leave you with the lads."

"Pant... are you prisoners too?!"

"No," answers Bobby, "he pays us wages. Slave wages, mind you, but it's better than what I was earning on the variety circuit."

"Come on," chirps Swashy cheerfully, "I'll get you some TCP for those cuts. 'More Than This' is a belter, by the way."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 13, 2021, 01:36:54 PM
Nick Ross is walking home from the post office when he suddenly gets the eerie sensation that he is being watched. He shrugs his shoulders and continues on.

"Psst... get the chloroform ready Bobby, I think we have you and Swash a new co-worker!"

"Thank fuck Mr. Dickinson I thought we'd be hiding in this bush forever!"

"You can call me David, Bobby, I told you before."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on April 13, 2021, 02:08:16 PM
Nick Ross is successfully captured but is nowhere to be seen the next morning when the boys arrive to find the shed door ripped off its hinges.

"He's escaped David!"

"Not another one! Bobby you were supposed to be guarding him!"

"You said no overtime David. We don't get paid for nights so I just went to sleep in the stables."

"I should charge you rent for that," scoffs David. "Check the moat, he won't have got far in his condition. Swashy, look for his tracks!"

After an hour of searching the boys find one shoe, some ripped trouser fabric and a medal of St.Crimian, the patron saint of nightmares, at the barbed wire property enclosure- but no sign of Ross.

The next day black and white flyers can be found on lamposts and under windscreen wipers around the village.

LOST!
Have you seen these people?
A pretty penny in reward money is available
in return for information on the whereabouts of

Nick Ross
Gregg Wallace
Rob Curling
Ada Dickinson

Call 42-22-234 and ask for Bobby
 
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 14, 2021, 06:11:11 PM
"I thought Ada had come back David?"

"No Bobby. I think she's left me for good. But there's a reward for her return none the less. DEAD OR ALIVE."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 15, 2021, 06:22:51 PM
David joins the lads for a rendition of The Travelling Wilbury's 'End of the Line' as they weed the garden. Even Bryan Ferry is smiling, and he's not even on a wage.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 16, 2021, 04:01:22 PM
Ada finally comes home and agrees to renew the marriage vows.

"Sniff... I've missed you so much, Ada!"

"Me too David, but why is Bryan Ferry operating a Flymo on our lawn?"

"Never mind that Ada, remember you said you'd always love to see a wild elephant in it's natural habitat?"

"Yes... why?"

"Well get our old safari jackets out of storage... as soon as the pandemic ends, we're going to do just that!"

"Oh David... we'll rekindle our romance in the sands!"

A tear forms in David's eye as Toto's 'Africa' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTQbiNvZqaY) beings to play out of nowhere.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on April 17, 2021, 06:08:37 PM
David is on his best behaviour with Ada after her return.

He begrudgingly allows Bryan Ferry into the house to allow Ada to spend two hours removing a splinter from his finger. He even allows him to remain when he insists on thanking Ada with an a capella rendition of In Every Dream Home a Heartache but is not best pleased to Ada's flustered and red faced reaction to the debonnaire crooner, especially as he's shirtless.

Next morning at roll call David harangues the boys.

"Now you know I like to keep things casual but its about time we had a dress-code. As from today I dont want to see any of you lot going without a shirt. Cover yer selves up!"

"But David," protests Swash "you instructed us to all work topless when Greg was here. You said his physique should shame us into putting more effort in and we should all be looking like him inside 3 months."

David brushes away the complaints and the lads get back to work on chipping boulders into perfectly rounded pebbles for a zen garden. Work progresses well but David is disturbed to see Ada giggling when she brings Bryan Ferry a glass of Fanta later in the afternoon.

Dress code is updated the next morning. "No going topless and NO white tuxedos!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 17, 2021, 07:18:32 PM
"Ada, I don't like the way you've been ogling Bryan! I want a divorce!"

Bryan pops his head in the window and begins to croon:

"You know you made a vow, to never leave one another... come on, come on, stick together!"

"You keep y'nose out of it, Bryan!"

"Now if you're stuck for a while, consider your child... how can it be happy without its ma and pa, stick together!"

"David Jnr. has long flown the nest! Now back to work, Bryan!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 18, 2021, 06:15:49 PM
"Y'know Swashy before Ada came back I was actually contemplating giving Ainsley a ring and asking him if he'd like to quit his new job and come back in the role of my temporary 'wife'. I'd bought the wig and all."

"You don't have to tell me all your dark thoughts, David."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 21, 2021, 04:52:36 PM
The latest issue of Heat features an exclusive snap of Bryan digging in David's garden, with the caption, 'Oh how the mighty have fallen'.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 22, 2021, 10:42:41 PM
"There you go Bryan, y'first wage packet! Y'must be chuffed to be on the payroll now!"

"Yes David, but I have to say, I thought you'd give me 'More Than This'!"

"Y'fired, mate. Y'fired."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 23, 2021, 04:09:05 PM
"AINSLEY! YOU'VE RETURNED!"

"Hiya David! Alright Bobby, Swashy... no way, is that Bryan Ferry?"

"It is indeed Ainsley, nice to meet you!"

"I've got all your records! Anyway David, I come bearing gifts. Here you go... Joe Dolce, the Go Compere guy and Michael Bolton!"

"Fuck me, Bolton's a real catch, well done Ainsley! Once the multi-millionaire mullet, now he'll work for less than minimum wage!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 24, 2021, 06:16:01 AM
David finds an out of date Twix down the side of the sofa. Bit stale, but "very passable otherwise, Ada."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 24, 2021, 07:41:14 PM
"Here David, what happened to H from Steps?" Swashy asks David.

"Here I am!" chirps H from Steps from behind a hedge. "I was digging a drainage trench when I fell asleep from exhaustion."

"Back to work, no slacking!"

"Yes David, right away David."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 25, 2021, 07:51:08 PM
"In lieu of payment this week H from Steps, I'm gifting you my Best of ABBA CD."

"Er, I'd prefer the payment to be honest David."

"Fucking bet you would mate but beggars can't be choosers."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 26, 2021, 06:36:40 AM
"Bobby, could you come in for a minute please? I'm trying to set this fucking DVR to record the cricket."

"Swashy might be a better choice David, being younger he'd prolly understand it better."

"Where is he?"

"Oh yeah I forget he, H from Steps and Bryan Ferry made a break for it this morning."

"Fuck. Better release the hounds."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on April 26, 2021, 03:19:41 PM
H from Steps is recaptured and interrogated by David.

"I don't understand, H from Steps. Why did you want to leave?"

"There's a Steps reunion concert in London, David."

"Why didn't you say? You should go!"

"Really? You don't mind?"

"No problemo! But I want a taste," says David scratching the head of one of his dobermans.

"... of course. How much?"

"Let's split it down the middle- you get day off, the catering and the run around on stage and I'll take the fee."

"Er...."

(growl)

"Sounds fair."

"Good lad, now can you give me back that ABBA CD?"

"Give it back? but you gave it to me"

"LENT it to you, son. LENT IT!" smiles David.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on April 26, 2021, 04:35:20 PM
David Dickinson has just bought a 1981 original Pac-Man arcade machine which he hopes to sell to Dominik Diamond at a 200% mark-up.

"He'll snap it up, he's thick as mince," David crows on a cold call to Richard Bacon.

"Sorry, who did you say you were?" asks Bacon before being interrupted. "What's he doing back there?....AINSLEY! put your back into it! we'll never grind enough flour at the rate you're going!"

David marches through the back door to admonish Ainsley but instead of entering the back garden he finds himself in his front hall.

"Ains- eh? That's odd," he says to himself and continues through the house. He's about to try and exit the back door again when he notices the phone he's left hanging.

"Bacon, y'still there? Long story short, I've got a job for you here. Cash wages, big money. Get Peter Duncan down here an' all."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 26, 2021, 05:17:16 PM
"Peter's earning a steady wage David."

"Give over Bacon, he's done nowt of import since sticking his hand in that tree in Flash Gordon!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on April 26, 2021, 06:26:47 PM
"Peter Duncan speaking, Spare me the madness"

"Still dining out on that are y'mate? Thought as much"

"What?"

"Sorry, thought I was on mute. Listen, this is David Dickinson. I need someone to help wi' some quarrying, all by hand and at night because its in me neighbour's land. Now, the pay's not much to start and first month is unpaid induction but-"

"I'll take it!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 26, 2021, 06:40:57 PM
"Peter, you're nice and early!"

"Yes David, and I've brought Mark Curry with me!"

"Hello David, I hear you've got some work going!"

(https://i.imgur.com/dMkoak4.jpg)

Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 27, 2021, 07:22:13 PM
"David, Janet Eliis is at the gate!"

"Tell her I've got no work available today, Swash!"

"No she wants the ABBA CD she lent you back!"

"Oh fuck I forgot about that!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 28, 2021, 06:11:03 PM
During a break from sweeping the patio, H from Steps gets a chance to chat with David.

"Tell you what David, you'll have half the presenters of Blue Peter working for you by the end of the month if this keeps up!"

"Ha, indeed H... Peter Purves would be the jewel in the crown, but I'd feel bad making him do backbreaking work for little pay at his age!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 29, 2021, 06:34:44 PM
"Psst, Bobby... we're organising a breakout tonight!"

"What about the searchlights, Bryan?"

"Peter and Mark will take care of that. Their years as Blue Peters presenters mean they're handy with anything!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on April 30, 2021, 06:14:41 PM
"Ada, have y'seen me Werthers? Rich and creamy and ungommonly good!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on May 01, 2021, 05:18:52 PM
Bryan, Joe and Bobby go 'over the wire' that night, and stop for a breather in a bushy clearing.

"Pant... excellent work all, looks like we've made it to freedom! Oh hi H from Steps, didn't think you'd come along too!"

H from Steps pulls out a pistol.

"Not so fast... Stop right there."

Suddenly, David emerges from a tree behind him.

"Good work, H from Steps... there'll be a promotion in this for you, y'little traitor!"
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on May 02, 2021, 09:39:53 PM
Joe, Bobby and Bryan spend six weeks in 'The Hole'. They emerge broken men, and will never again defy David. Meanwhile, H from Steps is promoted to Lieutenant.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on May 04, 2021, 01:15:07 PM
Davro makes a break for it one day but is shot down by H from Steps.

"Nice one H, up there in your sentry tower," smiles David to himself.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Mr Farenheit on May 04, 2021, 04:50:25 PM
Meanwhile on the other side of the property, the Blue Peter faction are running their own camp within a camp. Its a no-go zone after dark for H and his goons.Curry and Bacon run a ruthless 'press gang' forcibly recruiting cast members from the TV series 'Press Gang'.

Simon Groom is rumoured to be running everything from inside a cave near the south boundary although no-one has ever seen him and he's not on the payroll.

"How does this all end, David?" asks an exasperated Ada.

"This ends, love, with me living in your big house and dancing a sailors hornpipe on your husband's grave."

"Ooh, I like the sound of that," coos Ada.

"Whats that love?"

"Nothing David," says Ada to David who has heard nothing of Simon Groom's telepathic message.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on May 04, 2021, 08:54:26 PM
Ada has a clandestine meeting with Groom behind the shed that night.

"We don't have long Simon my love... I heard your telepathic message!"

"What?! That weren't me, Ada! I don't hold with this telepathic nonsense!"

"So who was it, then!"

Mark Curry steps out from behind a rake.

"'ello,  Ada love! Let's elope together!"

But Ada has already returned to the warmth of her single bed.
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on May 05, 2021, 11:24:02 AM
H from Steps is working late in the garden one night when he notices the door of the big corrugated shed is ajar, misty vapour appearing to issue from within. Looking over both shoulders, he nips over and takes a peek inside.

The contents of the shed prove rather alarming; there before H from Steps stunned eyeballs sit numerous large plant pods. H from Steps is suddenly aware of a presence behind him.

"Oh dear, I seem to have left the door open."

"DAVID! Bloody heck, you scared the life out of me... whatever ARE they?"

"They are the future of this planet," explains David, starring vacantly through H from Steps, "when they hatch they will take over and eventually replace humanity. Do not resist it, H. Do not resist it."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on May 06, 2021, 08:18:36 PM
"Y'know what Peter Duncan I've bagged a lot of you lot from Blue Peter... maybe it's time to move on to something else?"

"How about the Press Gang cast, David?"

"Hmmm, I dunno... Dexter Fletcher's a film director now... but maybe Julia Sawalha is hard up... think she'd do landscape gardening for 50p an hour?"

"It's worth a shot David!"

"Didn't ask you, Mark Curry!"

"Sorry mate. I'll water the hyacinths."
Title: Re: David Dickenson Deso.
Post by: Glebe on May 07, 2021, 11:20:10 AM
David introduces Marti Pellow to the rest of the crew. Pellow is scruffy and is carrying all his belongings in a Tesco bag.

"Show him the ropes, H. He'll need a shower first, the former Wet Wet Wet frontman fucking stinks!"