DESOLATION_V.swf

[the midnight watch baboon]

David Coulthard bosses it along Wells-next-the-sea's promenade; caped up and kilted, demanding all the chip people call him "Daviiide," burn their steering wheels and hoik them up at "those bitch-beaked seagull bastards."

[rasta-spouse]

Paul Ross: fecal transplant (£2.50), urinate on moving skateboard (£5.50), touching post on a memorialized facebook account (£9.50), cumsicle in icetray (£0.50)

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Dennis Anaconda Space-Spacker makes a literal parliament of owls.

But he didn't do the safety checks :(

[the midnight watch baboon]

Dad's girlfriend starts a Geordie Shore watch party wearing the boys' mum's knickers.

[petril]

Brexit gets unilaterally canceled by the rest of the EU as Britain is too wee, too poor and too stupid

[the midnight watch baboon]

Almond van Halen spends £112.60 on good dill.

[Ferris]

You have a fucking shit day at work and it is complete bollocks and ruins your long weekend.

[Cerys]

Kevin buys a bulk load of recordable greeting cards, records the sound of his own explosive bowel movements on them, and sends them to himself.  It will be the best Christmas ever.

[Cuntbeaks]

In a violent rage, a coked up Greg Wallace headbutts an antique coatstand.

A coked up Greg Wallace crushes a handful of condiment packs in a in all night Taco Bell.

Full of coke, whizz and rage, Greg Wallace mullers a pile of folded washing.

[Cold Meat Platter]

Gary Won'tmott.

[Gregory Torso]

A bus driver born without kneecaps who stinks of bovril and an elderly woman with a plastic neck and alopecia are the only two people to attend your funeral.

And that is only because they mistook it for a fun run.

Which makes them so angry they spend a good two hours in the pounding torrential rain turning your corpse into a canoe.

Which they then paddle (using your snapped off femurs) to a nearby Sports Direct and stuff you into a bag for life, staple it closed and then boot you, laughing, into a malaria-infested harbour.

[Cerys]

And you're not even dead.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Derek can't stand Pembrokeshire so nuts it.

Comes off second though

[Pingers]

You receive a letter from the Department of Transport advising that your anus does not meet the regulation diameter for the amount of "traffic" you get up there. The mandatory widening programme will start on Christmas Eve, expect disruption into the new year, when it will be officially re-opened by Barry Bethell.

On top of which, the Department for Colorectal Affairs writes to advise they have completely washed their hands of you, which according to them took 8 hours of hard scrubbing.

[Twit 2]

Dennis Anaconda Space-Spacker makes a literal parliament of owls.

But he didn't do the safety checks :(

I laughed.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Tommy the virgin howls into the void after the handling matrix he bought from website '21st Century Playas' (brand name The Datrix™) fails him a fourteenth time.

[rasta-spouse]

A dickhead uses the smoke from his burning tumble dryer to flavour a trout.

[poo]

Go Tesco Express automatic checkout contactless and the machine goes "kill this cunt!", and everyone in the shop smashes your fucking head in.

[poo]

"Lightning Steve" is last in a cum race.

[poo]

Chico splits an atom by accident.

[Cuntbeaks]

A drunk-hungry Les Dennis drops a full saveloy outside the Pink Coconut in Derby.

A pissed up and naked Les Dennis spends an entire afternoon pretending to be Tinky Winky.

While buying some Irish Cream Liqueur, Les Dennis sharts himself in a long Lidl queue.

[Cerys]

Jess, age fourteen, dies of Toxic Shock Syndrome after believing a classmate's claim that banana skins make excellent tampons.  Her mother suffers a mental breakdown as a result of receiving thirty-one cards expressing sympathy for 'banana cunt's death'.

[Cerys]

A raisin is denied cosmetic surgery.

[the midnight watch baboon]

a RAISIN gets it done at the discretion of a listless general surgeon

[Cerys]

The RAISIN is ecstatic with its new grapelike look for a few minutes, before it is accidentally sat on by a newly elected member of parliament and squashed into a juice-weeping cautionary tale.

[Fishfinger]

An eBay transaction results in a Kempston joystick ascending into its fifth middle-aged anus.

[petril]

a man wakes up and has the realisation that he was never a sound cunt to begin with

[rasta-spouse]

An attempt at callback humour results in 8 hours of compulsory sexual violence treatment courses.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The heroes Shit Four arrive at an emergency and are ill-equipped and ill motivated, ultimately making little positive difference to the situation.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

It's examination day, Maths GCSE. A set of sums.

Right, Jordan thinks. Remember the anagram. The beast of Bodmin. Bodmin. Bodmin. Hang on. What the fuck is Bodmin.