Poll
Question:
All you got?
Option 1: All I got
votes: 0
Option 2: Nall I got
votes: 0
Option 3: (Timothy) Spall I got
votes: 1
Option 4: (All Creatures Great and) Small I got
votes: 0
Option 5: (Johnny) Ball I got
votes: 0
Option 6: (Stones of) Gall I got
votes: 0
Option 7: (Reginald Perrin's Rise and) Fall I got
votes: 0
Option 8: Raoul Moat
votes: 1
Option 9: Fall-ah! I got-AH!
votes: 1
Option 10: the cool shoeshine
votes: 1
Dog Tired: Sleepy Hunter
That's all I got.
Please explain.
A thread for half-baked ideas that you can't be arsed to expand on.
Lawnmower Man 4: Hedge Fund - The Lean Years
Bless you, I've been wanting to share this idea.
Near where I be is a Fire Station with a Museum attached. It's called the Fire Museum, and its full of, I dunno, old engines and hats n' stuff. But it got me thinking, what if there was a fire museum that was full of fire?
Stay with me here.
At each major conflagration (Rome 64, London 1666, Chicago 1871, Tokyo 1923 etc), someone pops up to collect a few of the last dying embers and carries them off to this museum where those embers are put on exhibition and kept burning by the frequent application of wood shavings and wot not.
Entry to the museum is £15 Adults, £5 under 12s.... or your immortal soul or something.
A-and... that's all I got.
Ooh! Look! Mr. Flumpkin goes... ah fuck it.
The phrase "a magnus up the gary," and nothing else.
Which songs are best to sing with a rhotacism and lisp? So far I've found that Country House by Blur and The Reflex are the most enjoyable.
Zombies and dinosaurs.
Title tbc.
Se7en 2: 8ight
No wait, get this...
Se7en 2: ei8ht
Se7en 3: nin9
Ok, now I'm spent.
A hard hitting fly on the wall type documentary of a man touring the UK with his collection of spoons.
All the different types of spoons...
...
... Sheffield '78s
... all the spoons.
Poor, nasty, British and short.
I don't know how to make this work because I don't want to punch downwards.
If I end up being my friend Matt's best man at his wedding:
"What a piece of work is Matt?"
That's all I got.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Alan Hansen Instructional Toilet-Training DVD.
Crouching Tiger Hidden I'm Not Arsed Mate At All
A wobbly goose goes 'bump!' along Flumpkin's Brucie... naaaaah.
Motte and Bailey
A police procedural where DCI John Motte and DCI Kevin Bailey exclusively solve crimes that take place in old castles.
A late-90's R&B duo called Tender 'n' Myld
"Static Alan's base-six adventure dice game"
Mick Hucknall doing local TV adverts for small businesses: "If you don't know me, buy now!"
This one's a bit more developed.
As part of Clowne canon, there's a race of sub-Clownes who work in the engine rooms of the space hulks. They are the pottie clownes, and they wank into the reactors to power the thrusters. The warrior-clownes bully this caste of clowne-serfs, so the pottie clownes have a certain cameraderie. This thing is just them, in the engine rooms, doing the o-O-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o, o-O-O bit from Tarzan Boy.
Quote from: doppelkorn on November 15, 2016, 10:30:40 PMThey are the pottie clownes (sic)
The Potty Clownes, to give them their grammatically correct title, were retired in 2011, to make way for the Speculum Gnomes.
Everybody knows that.
Episode idea for KOTH: Dale Gribble meets a female version of himself called Gail Dribble.
Good job it writes itself, cos that's all I got.
Hobo vs. Minotaur
that's all I got.
"Tell us how it is! Tell us how it is!!" Roars the crowd.
"I'll tell you how it is," says the man stepping forward, brushing Marmite crumbs from his lapel -
This is all Ebe Sneezer And His Epidemics have got:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dw5E2xhpns (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dw5E2xhpns)
One of alternate universe CAB's most popular tags: "ITS JASON BUORNES FAUTL"
Film idea
Packing it in
Tells the stories of five movie tropes (A cop, an investigative journalist, a hitman, a bloodthirsty warlord and a politician)....packing it in.
e.g. the movie begins with the journalist discovering some piece of information that could lead to the downfall of society. Cut to nighttime, frantic music, the journalist in his office surrounded by white boards, newspaper cuttings and other ephemera. He is hunched over the typewriter, about to write.
He slouches off to the bedroom and goes to sleep.
e.g. A cop learns from his PI that a crime lord is due to make a big heist at Trump Towers. None of his colleagues believe this. Cut to nighttime, frantic music, the cop is staking out the building and sees a truck pull up in alleyway close by. Balaclava-clad men inside.
He slouches off to a doughnut joint up the street.
Clem Boonfan.
Quote from: Shit Good Nose on November 16, 2016, 12:53:20 PM
Does that mean you've abandoned Mino2r?
Lawyers saying they are waiting to see about the lawsuits from Minotaur first.
Fucking lawsuits. That'll be tied up for years.
Never mind - might come out in a double pack with The Clown That Cried.
Idea for a detective series set on Gurnsey: Iqbal and Massier
A sequel to Lord of the Rings, called Sam's Pies.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on November 16, 2016, 02:03:36 PM
A sequel to Lord of the Rings, called Sam's Pies.
How many endings will it have?
Greggsnado
Quote from: Shit Good Nose on November 16, 2016, 03:07:12 PM
How many endings will it have?
It will vary depending on the point when you decide to leave the cinema/fall asleep in front of the tv.
Three men, burning in a tank, going 'Wuuurrrrghhhh.'
Don Swa'Hallen's Spoon Theater... coming to a Town Hall auditorium near you soon...
It doesn't have to be spoons.
A bloke called Acousmatic Joe. That's all I got
A café in Hackney specialising in small plates of knob-cheese.
All I got.
it's a warty old demented obese cavewoman sat on a rotten tree stump, repeatedly shoving an animal bone (with rotten meat still attached) into her fanny and she's drooling and breathing snot in and out of her nose, and the drool and snot is like mixing together in the tuft of wiry white hair growing out of her chin. basically what happens then is a caveman (or maybe two cavemen) come up to her and start fucking her and she's so demented she doesn't seem to notice or care, and she's like making these grunting sounds and throwing up on herself. the caveman jizzes up her fanny and farts and walks away. nine months later she's foraging for turds in a swamp and a baby falls out of her into a pool of stagnant water and drowns. she picks up the corpse by it's legs and uses it as a cudgel to stun rats which she then bites in half, leaves to rot, and eats.
He's a divorced alcoholic maverick character actor something, she's an affordable woman who gets her tits out twice in the pilot episode.
Looking for 7-8 seasons, minimum. I get to cast it.
Skid Marx
A spoof Tom Baker era Doctor Who called The Entirely Pleasant Village. The Doctor and Leela arrive at a quaint old English village and cause mayhem looking for an alien threat that just doesn't exist. Sergeant Benton appears as an alcoholic pub singer, and there's a homage to WithNail and I when our heroes enter a tea shop. A-and that all I have.
The Byst
Toby Seashells...
Just popped into my head that one. Weird.
Scooby Two: 3
Going to Crete for a minor tour.
Going to get three shrieking fuckers to make a trill orgy.
Topman or somewhere starts making these boxer shorts which are inexplicably irresistible. No-one knows if it is the cut or the pattern or some other random thing, but when people see them they are driven mad with desire. Topman finds they have to get them made by a factory of blind workers in Bangladesh in order even to get them away from their manufacturers, since if they can see what they've stitched together, they would rather die than part with their creation. When the staff in the shops put them on the mannequins they start frotting the mannequins, irrespective of sex, and have to be given a faceful of chloroform to get them away. Some people do manage to buy them and get them out of the shop, although they involuntarily orgasm in their pants several times in the process, and they often get their PIN wrong many times while this happens. They put them on at home but spend so much time admiring themselves in the mirror they can't actually get out of the house. For the few that do manage to get onto the street in them, they find that if there's even a small amount of fabric poking out of the jeans they end up being chased down the road by crowds of sex-deranged fiends who tear at their jeans until they get at the underwear. There are bundles of people on all the streets in fully-clothed orgies pawing at some poor person's crotch who made the mistake of going out wearing them. Eventually, no-one is turning up for work or bothering to eat because they're engaged in some act of lust relating to the shorts and armies of blind people are formed to try to police the people, but they all just get kicked in the groin, so they have to start gunning people down, but because they can't see they gun down each other quite a bit too. Theresa May has to go on air to declare a national emergency but when they show the boxer shorts as a warning that you should avoid them, she starts masturbating and they have to shut down the broadcast.
That's all I got.
11:30 Taking Stock of Evil:
Barry Scott Takes a Look at The Gravies of the Nazis, in colour (brown)
Gay people are abandoned with gay abandon and it's hosted by an Irishman.
It features lots of sliding minibus doors, drone footage of Christopher Biggins laughing to himself in a dell or near a tarn, before getting really worried and perhaps the narrative turns rather blue.
An downward-pointing arrow above the cistern, above that: the spray-painted words 'bum milk'
Otis Redding is brought back from the dead, or they make a hologram of him so they can make it sing "Shittin' on the cock of a gay" and make the corpse/hologram actually do that thing while he's singing it.
That's all I got.
"And now, the shipping forecast..."
Except instead of the weather it's a list featuring the unlikely romantic pairings of various fiction characters.
I'm sure this has never been done as a sketch before but I haven't bothered checking to make sure.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on January 16, 2017, 01:30:38 PM
"And now, the shipping forecast..."
Except instead of the weather it's a list featuring the unlikely romantic pairings of various fiction characters.
I'm sure this has never been done as a sketch before but I haven't bothered checking to make sure.
I'm sorry to have to get all over your arse like this, but might you please supply an examples or two? Or I'll be forced to accuse you of having less than nothing. I suppose 'that's all I got' could potentially cover the case that your idea is so deficient that it consists of a negative amount of content, but I'm not sure that it's in the spirit of the thread.
Quote from: pancreas on January 16, 2017, 02:04:23 PM
I'm sorry to have to get all over your arse like this, but might you please supply an examples or two? Or I'll be forced to accuse you of having less than nothing. I suppose 'that's all I got' could potentially cover the case that your idea is so deficient that it consists of a negative amount of content, but I'm not sure that it's in the spirit of the thread.
Zippy and Bungle
Trump and Grove
Homer Simpson and Motoko Kusanagi
jeez, didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition...
the Spanish Inquisition and the ECB
happy now?
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on January 16, 2017, 03:23:32 PM
Zippy and Bungle [etc]
This is exactly as I feared. They don't say 'and' between the names, do they? It's stuff like
Quote from: wikipediaHumber, Thames. Southeast veering southwest 4 or 5, occasionally 6 later. Thundery showers. Moderate or good, occasionally poor.
And it's not just the names of the areas, is it? There's something about the wind or whatever, plus whether good or whatever.
You haven't said, for example, if Zippy and Bungle are moderate or good, occasionally poor.
Do you see my problems with what you've (not) done?
Quote from: pancreas on January 16, 2017, 04:15:56 PM
Do you see my problems with what you've (not) done?
'sake.
QuoteZippy, Bungle. Thames television veering ITV 3 or 4, occasionally CITV later. Golden showers. Angst or humour, occasionally pornographic.
I suppose this is what I get for asking BlodwynPig to show his working out in the 'Who Murdered Lolly Shoe?' thread.
But don't you see? This is quite good now. And all because of me. Me. Because I insist that standards are maintained with utmost rigour. It is clear that I should be a leader of men, for as we have just seen, I am able to inspire and browbeat people to their full potential. Properly equipped, I believe I could conceive unlimited inducements and punishments of ever increasing inventiveness and cruelty. You shall be my first recruit, Spoon of Ploff. If you survive your training, I shall promote you to Lieutenant. Thenceforth, we shall fly at the world on wings of fury and it will bow down before us.
Let us begin. I hereby issue you with your first command:
Kill Glebe.
Quote from: pancreas on January 16, 2017, 05:08:15 PM
But don't you see? This is quite good now. And all because of me. Me. Because I insist that standards are maintained with utmost rigour. It is clear that I should be a leader of men, for as we have just seen, I am able to inspire and browbeat people to their full potential. Properly equipped, I believe I could conceive unlimited inducements and punishments of ever increasing inventiveness and cruelty. You shall be my first recruit, Spoon of Ploff. If you survive your training, I shall promote you to Lieutenant. Thenceforth, we shall fly at the world on wings of fury and it will bow down before us.
Let us begin. I hereby issue you with your first command:
Kill Glebe.
(http://31.media.tumblr.com/86edf5705df568c60b951d34581f358c/tumblr_mojteiGZLw1rg79reo1_500.gif)
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on January 16, 2017, 04:43:51 PM
'sake.
I suppose this is what I get for asking BlodwynPig to show his working out in the 'Who Murdered Lolly Shoe?' thread.
Lolly Shoe really was all I had.
Quote from: Fishfinger on November 17, 2016, 02:08:36 AM
Greggsnado
now all you have is that and this:
(http://i.imgur.com/XhX5a7n.png)
Some sort of cross between a shoe and a sponge.
Quote from: Norton Canes on January 18, 2017, 05:09:44 PM
Some sort of cross between a shoe and a sponge.
sean connery doing the adverts
A plate of chips reminisce about the 1950's... one of them has a Yorkshire accent. There are no flashback sequences. 10 episodes, each an hour long.
Quote from: spamwangler on January 18, 2017, 04:18:29 PM
now all you have is that and this:
(http://i.imgur.com/XhX5a7n.png)
Too good. I'm now pitching another project in desperate need of a poster:
Pornado.
All taps are replaced with penises. In order to get anything out of them, e.g. water for a bath, they have to be milked or stimulated in some other way. For example, to get beer out of the taps in pubs there is an anus-shaped hole and you have to stick your finger in and waggle it about. This slows everything in the world down to an intolerable degree, but everyone gets extremely good at masturbation.
Mission Impossible style situation in which two men are descending on ropes towards a floor they cannot disturb because it is riddled with sensors. Bloke A says that he is sorry and he shouldn't have had that extra pint at lunchtime but he really needs a piss. He can't just do it on the floor because of the sensors so Bloke B has to drink a whole bladderful of piss straight from Bloke A's penis.
Quote from: pancreas on December 29, 2017, 10:18:21 PM
Mission Impossible style situation in which two men are descending on ropes towards a floor they cannot disturb because it is riddled with sensors. Bloke A says that he is sorry and he shouldn't have had that extra pint at lunchtime but he really needs a piss. He can't just do it on the floor because of the sensors so Bloke B has to drink a whole bladderful of piss straight from Bloke A's penis.
Kevin James smashes it again
A joke where the punchline is
"...Ed Milliband, Dave Milliband, or the Steve Miller Band!"
Appending "...and the philosopher's stone" to celebrity names, then imagining what that would be like.
"Terry Nutkins and the philsopher's stone"
"Alan Bennet and the philosopher's stone"
"June Sarpong and the philosopher's stone"
That sort of thing
The light of evening, Lissadell,
Great windows open to the south,
Two girls in silk kimonos, both
Beautiful, one Scott Quinnell.
and
The chill ascends from feet to knees,
The fever sings in mental wires.
If to be warmed, then I must freeze
And quake in frigid purgatorial fires
Of which the flame is roses, and the smoke is Richard Briers.
babra strides and
Quote from: spamwangler on February 25, 2018, 11:08:00 PM
babra strides and
Wow. That's barely anything at all. I mean, you couldn't really have less than that.
Quote from: pancreas on February 25, 2018, 11:23:16 PM
Wow. That's barely anything at all. I mean, you couldn't really have less than that.
i feel like theres
something there, like a voice on the wind.
some cunts are posting full ideas on here, bunch of jokers, anyone can have an idea, - anyone can have no ideas, but having something balanced so perfectly on the very periphery of your brain, on the threshold between idea and just staring out the window with your hand down your trousers, there is the thrill of the chase for me
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on January 17, 2018, 05:01:07 AM
"...Ed Milliband, Dave Milliband, or the Steve Miller Band!"
(http://www.thesmokinggun.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/175xUnlimited/photos/carnac0808.jpg)
Cattle re-enactment society
Steven Fry interviews serial killers.
Sort of like... eighties wogan set, pastel blues, sofa.
Henry Lee Lucas is led on in shackles by his handler. Steven is waiting on a podium.
Steven says "Henry! Entrust your buttocks to this cushiony perch, if you would!"
Henry looks at his guard and grunts "wuh?" the guard shrugs.
Steven says "Ladle your bum quarters over this arrangement of furniturestuffs, if the botty desires"
Guard says "I think he wants you to sit down"
Steven says "now, Hen, let's get into the fruitcake of your naughty little killingtons down in sweet virginia"
That's all I fucking got
Where do crusts go?
Is that all there is? Is that all there is?
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball,
If that's all there is
ALTERED YEAST
Bra burn Iceland
Barber? Ass tries hand!
A baker parody of Fatima Whitbread:
Whittima Flatbread
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on March 02, 2018, 04:48:33 PM
A baker parody of Fatima Whitbread:
Whittima Flatbread
Oh that's great. It doesn't even need a proper justification.
Legende Helmut
Gary's dickish Teutonic cousin. Much more smug and self-satisfied.
Burt Bread: Bakery Detective
Gapes on a plane
Ladies and gentlemen, the four dumpings.
DAD FUCKERZ 2002: XTREME DAD COCKZ
Rolling Chunder
Rapper called Campy-Lo Beavoir
I wanna start a thread about non-comedy performers who would have made good comedy actors. Dave Grohl is mine, but I cba doing a thread with pictures and words etc. Just had to get it off my chest. 'kinell
Amos and Andy, but it's Anus and Andy.
The SAS go back in time to stop the SAS from ending the siege at the Iranian embassy for some important reasons.
But which SAS will win?
Tin of peas my lord, tin of peas.
Tin of wolves my lord, win of wolves.
Tin of socks, my lord, tin of socks.
Oh lord, bim bim bim.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on March 07, 2018, 10:19:24 AM
The SAS go back in time to stop the SAS from ending the siege at the Iranian embassy for some important reasons.
But which SAS will win?
An angry Michael Heseltine picks up the phone: Get me the SAS... no the other SAS
in response to panc's request for me to put a bit more work into my posts:
Wok Out With Your Cock Out
Controversial channel five cooking show, - Ken Hom describes it as a
'Shameful moment of madness during a very difficult period in my life [....] we all make mistakes, but some of us make those mistakes live on national television at 4:30 in the morning in exchange for an indoor swimming pool, so i guess its like swings and roundabouts really Eamon'
i would also like to say that i did a quick google for any potential Chinese cooking utensils who's name rhymed with parts of the female anatomy, to avoid any potential allegations sexual negligence of but i looked up and saw my reflection in the mirror, and was too depressed to continue
Sexual Negligence
long forgotten 1992 collaboration between La Monte Young and Sting. It was basically just the sound one of those toy drinking birds plucking away at a lute, with the sound of La Monte Young taking a shower recorded from the end of a hallway. Young claims his contribution was recorded without his permission by record company stooges
not even been uploaded to youtube
definitely one for the terrible album covers thread:
(https://i.imgur.com/M2Ju4z7.png)
i mean, you might hate those ideas pancreas, but you cant argue that they would have at least taken a bit longer than my usual output to type
Quote from: spamwangler on March 08, 2018, 06:25:46 PM
i mean, you might hate those ideas pancreas, but you cant argue that they would have at least taken a bit longer than my usual output to type
I think they are wonderful, in fact. I might even have given you karma, if I had any.
www dot eastenders dot cotton
Twunt Findler: Pet Detective
'it was one of those gob on your own nob places'
You're once, twice, three tiiimes Tom Brady.
And I looooove you.
Third eye Iaiin, converts to hinduism. Something about his chakras or shiva, maybe.
Haukland Scrumsfeld, the Blistered Bastard of West Bromley.
All I had was just him speaking like Vincent Price with a mouth full of quim, spittling gozz with every harsh letter and pronouncing his B's and P's like Rowan Atkinson, and probably being a nazi.
The Fuckits: Muppets that can't be arsed. Piece of cloth with an eye on it. Don't even have different voices.
ABBAtoir. I dunno. 4 Swedish butchers harmonising into a blood sink.
Saw a pub called 'The Case Is Altered' today.
That's got to be worth something.
An alternative to SubWay: DomWay.
The staff are not passive, and they don't give a fuck what you want in your sandwich you pathetic worm.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on March 15, 2018, 03:34:38 PM
Saw a pub called 'The Case Is Altered' today.
That's got to be worth something.
I've seen that pub, too! Unless it's a mysterious chain of case-altering clubhouses.
There's a few of them about. One in Sutton Coldfield if memory serves
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on March 15, 2018, 03:34:38 PM
Saw a pub called 'The Case Is Altered' today.
That's got to be worth something.
Are you Elton John?
Penile Barking. Big new trend with the youngsters where they upload videos of them "barking" out of their hog's eyes at each other.
Nappies in Mothercare for retired arses
Stilts but for your bollocks
A parking ticket meter gains sentience. That's all I got. Laziness kicking in full pelt
Quote from: doppelkorn on March 16, 2018, 10:39:38 PM
Stilts but for your bollocks
Like chopsticks, to help you eat your own shit back up your own arse.
Quote from: pancreas on March 16, 2018, 11:00:06 PM
Like chopsticks, to help you eat your own shit back up your own arse.
The rule 34 nobody asked for but the rule 34 we all deserve.
Chopsticks/stopchicks
Simply Fred West
(Sung to the tune of Simply the Best)
Sycophant-asia: a film where Ricky Gervais plays Micky Mouse, and creates a load of animated brooms that go on the internet to defend him, and harass anyone who claims he's just not that great.
The "So It Go Goes" a funk skiffle fusion band with a love for the works of Kurt Vonnegut. They tour the West Midlands or something, and get into lots of scrapes I dunno f'sake.
Cunts on Ice
The Complete Jerks of Shakespeare
Starring Fred Durst as Malvolio
Quote from: doppelkorn on April 30, 2018, 09:41:33 PM
The Complete Jerks of Shakespeare
Starring Fred Durst as Malvolio
The two mooks of Verona
You're just not trying anymore.
it's a game show for apathetics
Wangover Hank
POINTLESS BUT RICHARD OSMAN HAS BEEN REPLACED BY IAN WELLS, THE MANAGER OF THE HALFORDS AUTOCENTRE ON THE NUFFIELD TRADING ESTATE
Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on May 01, 2018, 12:50:52 PM
POINTLESS BUT RICHARD OSMAN HAS BEEN REPLACED BY IAN WELLS, THE MANAGER OF THE HALFORDS AUTOCENTRE ON THE NUFFIELD TRADING ESTATE
You should do this one, sounds hilarious. As long as Ian Wells, Manager Of The Halfords Autocentre on the Nuffield Trading Estate fucking
despises Alexander Armstrong as much as Richard Osmonds.
'Namsplainin', with Roger Daltrey and Friends. Like Top Gear, but war.
The Day of the Jacobi
A film crew follows the former Cadfael star as he mills about, does laundry, goes to the shops etc.
I just had a really funny idea for a thread in HS Art but my wife accosted me and asked me to explain the state of the bathroom (which, fair enough, it wants a clean). So I'll be doing that all afternoon.
...but oh shit, what was that thread idea? Was it about food ingredients? Or famous anuses from history? Or the Glory of Greece, the Grandeur of Rome, the State of Sheffield town centre (especially at the rough end of the Moor Market although I understand it's been spruced up, EU money probably).
Don't know mate. All these things, lost in time, like tears in rain. Time... to scrub the bog.
Decant and Deck
Childish Gambino
Now That's What I Call Hamburgers
A show celebrating dairy products from around the world called 'field of creams'
Black Coffees.
It'll be like Black Books but set in an coffee shop.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on May 11, 2018, 09:36:39 AM
Black Coffees.
It'll be like Black Books but set in an coffee shop.
Or Black Men. It'll be like Black Books but set it a male whorehouse in Lagos.
You know those superhero Deadpool films?
Something about Deedpoll. I dunno.
A show called Making Mole Hills Out of Mountains: taking important events of the day and picking at the most obscure and insignificant details to focus on. For example - rating the back swing of Palestinians trying to swat away tear gas canisters with tennis rackets.
Greggs Akimbo?
Quote from: spamwangler on May 16, 2018, 03:12:40 PM
Greggs Akimbo?
i was hoping that would be a googlewack, but alas
(https://i.imgur.com/QZ6YDzs.png)
totally worth a new page this
A google wack is finding exactly one result though, no?
yes, but now weve typed "greggs akimbo" here, therele be two right?
Yeah you've fucked it you plum
what a twat
It's sort of a quantum thing, as I found to my cost in the popular thread "CaB Googlewhacks" - by talking about them you change the outcome.
Very sad.
A new movie starring Ewan Mcgregor. A man whose wife is killed in a tragic search engine accident vows to eradicate the last remaining Googlewhacks, not knowing that this will bring about the apocalypse.
at last, a film i can relate to
.
Quote from: Norton Canes on May 09, 2018, 09:41:30 AM
Childish Gambino
Childish Gambo, Paul Gambaccini starts making fart noises and that on air.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on May 16, 2018, 03:48:17 PM
A google wack is finding exactly one result though, no?
What's the term for no results and it's unexpected? I come up with loads, when I need them most.
I've got nothing left to offer except variations of whatever
This one's shit guys, so bear with me:
Portaloo Sunset
(rubbish)
As long as I gaze on a Portaloo sunset / I am in paradise.
A really helpful lady called Cassie Peenlicker. She's not a prude, but she doesn't lick peens so stop asking hehe!
mailto:cass.peenlicker@cheshireeast.gov
has this been done already? hope so
Do you like peen-core colada?And getting bummed in the rain
The story of the sinking of the Titanic filmed entirely on Will Self's ironically emoting face.
Cannonball Holocaust
jhonny depp starring in a pirates of the carrabean themed remake of schindlers list
Cannon and Ball Holocaust
you get the idea
spar trek
"I'm going boldly to the supermarket. I'll be about five years."
Quote from: a duncandisorderly on May 29, 2018, 06:18:02 AM
spar trek
"I'm going boldly to the supermarket. I'll be about five years."
Brilliant
Stretch Armstrong: The hernia years.
Trench Armstrong - memorial day edition
Stench Armstrong - the corpse years
Uncle Harold's Wank Spanners.
I dunno I've got this idea, "Macaque & Son", it would be like Steptoe & Son but with two macaques who live on Gibraltar and run an auto repair shop and always bicker with each other. Wanted to post it in Glebe's thread but I can't seem to find the right picture to go with it.
Quote from: Gregory Torso on May 30, 2018, 02:00:29 AM
I dunno I've got this idea, "Macaque & Son", it would be like Steptoe & Son but with two macaques who live on Gibraltar and run an auto repair shop and always bicker with each other. Wanted to post it in Glebe's thread but I can't seem to find the right picture to go with it.
Take it from me, you can't just pick "the right" picture of a few macaques, willy nilly, without a lot of research. Good luck with it.
Ronsealosexual - does exactly what he says on the tinder
Jeremy Beatle
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on May 30, 2018, 06:46:06 PM
Jeremy Beatle
and thats how you play, ladies and gentleman. good work
Holy Sandals.. a documentary focusing on the footware of prophets and gods throughout the ages.
Shit (infest) band name: Test Card Jeff
The Tommyknockers: A documentary about the critics of that wonderful film The Room.
Can fellow CABers create documentaries from the names of other Stephen King novels, and if so, why?
Gerrard's Game - documentary on celtic manager
The running man - documentary about harry fever
Coffee apples: like toffee apples but disgusting.
(Director's Commentary: I got this idea while eating an apple and holding a coffee, so the taste of the apple and the smell of the coffee intermingled. It wasn't pleasant (or was it?))
Quote from: Cuellar on June 01, 2018, 10:34:17 AM
Coffee apples: like toffee apples but disgusting.
Offee Tapples, I.. I didn't think this through.
Twinky and The Brain
Some sort of gay thing.
Quote from: spamwangler on May 30, 2018, 06:48:35 PM
and thats how you play, ladies and gentleman. good work
Ta. Big fan of your work.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on June 01, 2018, 10:37:28 AM
Offee Tapples, I.. I didn't think this through.
Well then you've come to the right thread!
I'm no good at this. I can't have half-thoughts.
What about a sitcom called Nice, set in Nice and all the characters are Nice biscuits.
Sean Paul's Slag Race.
CLIMATE CHANGE DENIALIST HEARTBEAT
doesn't really work at all
Heartbeat as in that gentle police drama set in the 60s
Quote from: doppelkorn on June 01, 2018, 10:06:47 PM
CLIMATE CHANGE DENIALIST HEARTBEAT
doesn't really work at all
Yeah, that's bad. Less than nothing, imo.
THE TV PROGRAMME SIMPSONS BUT IMAGINE IF THEY WERE ALL FLAWED CHARACTOERS
Sick as a Carrott: Jasper Carrott vehicle, a bittersweet examination of the man's journey through cancer hell. Or whatever he has. If JC is already incapacitated, make it about an animated binge-drinking carrot, or that has something that carrots get. Note to self: research that white spots thing?
Gothello
a Cradle of Filth musical, directed by Graham Linehan
starring noel feilding
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on June 01, 2018, 06:59:45 AM
Can fellow CABers create documentaries from the names of other Stephen King novels, and if so, why?
Thinner: A documentary about CABers fight with hair loss.
Quote from: spamwangler on June 01, 2018, 07:55:02 AM
The running man - documentary about harry fever
this was suppsed to be Hay Fever - but spellchecks loss it H.S Art's Gain!
The Typos: a sitcom about misspelt words languishing in a computers recycle bin waiting for the dreaded day when it gets emptied.
Rindr. For people wanting to share fruit.
There should be a German compound word imported to English for that feeling when you see that you're no longer the last person to have posted in a H.S. Art thread. That's all I got.
Quote from: pancreas on June 06, 2018, 02:02:27 PM
Rindr. For people wanting to share fruit.
Or wanting to share Judge Rinder.
Kate Spade
A new execution device: the electric stairlift
On Cheshunt Besch
Joey Barton's Football Fannies
Painting by binary numbers.
Sheriff John Bunnell does the snooker commentary.
A reimagining of Keane's "Crystal Ball" music video where Giovanni Ribisi is replaced by Ian Crocker.
Something about the world cup of footballs.
Nat King Kong. Jazz and giant monsters.
The Terrible Twos. A bunch of two years olds are told repeatedly and in no uncertain terms that they are terrible... you know... for science.
Quote from: pancreas on June 08, 2018, 10:28:35 AM
Nat King Kong. Jazz and giant monsters.
The number Giant Steps needs to be involved here somehow.
I sing this thread title to this tune:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IET_9UPx230
...and that's all I've got
Ruined.[/size]
if king henry the eighth had six wives how many wives did king Henry the sixth have
I don't know you'd have to look him up
Quote from: kittens on June 10, 2018, 04:59:14 PM
if king henry the eighth had six wives how many wives did king Henry the sixth have
3.375
Bbb-b-bbbb-b-b-bb-bbb-bbbbbb
Buzz buzz
Zoom zoom
Buzz buzz
Zoom zoom
Buzz buzz
Zoom zoom
Buzz buzz
Zoom zoom
Zuzz Zuzz
Boom boom
Zuzz Zuzz
Boom boom
Zuzz Zuzz
Boom boom
Zuzz Zuzz
Boom boom
Zumm zumm
Booz booz
Zumm zumm
Booz booz
Zumm zumm
Booz booz
Zumm zumm
Booz booz
Bum bum
Zooz zooz
Bum bum
Zooz zooz
Bum bum
Zooz zooz
Bum bum
Zooz zooz
twelve hangry men
Quote from: pancreas on June 08, 2018, 10:28:35 AM
Nat King Kong. Jazz and giant monsters.
Featuring Natalie Coal and the Seven Dwarfs?
Final line in movie - "It was Benny Goodman that killed the beast"
A murder of crows
A manslaughter of jackdaws
A fight of geese
A dead leg of sparrows
A parliament of owls
A house of lords of eagles
A city council of sparrows
A pride of lions
A wrath of tigers
A gluttony of jaguars
A sloth of pumas
A greed of cougars
A lust of leopards
An envy of snow leopards
A sounder of police (whoop whoop)
An anus of howler-monkeys.
gario kart
A wassssssssup! of dead soons.
A pacque of macaque
Glasgow School of Arse is on fire
Its Such A Shame Is That - take a photo of yerself (i think they call them 'selfies' these days the kids) outside a closed shop on a high street near you and post it to a random thread. Claim its a metaphor for whatever the thread is on about.
Bonus points if there are pages from a local newspaper pasted over the windows.
super gario brothers
Girls'll Rummage with Worzel Gummidge!
An all-female cross between Bargain Hunters and Scrapheap Challenge, hosted by the great man himself.
Queer guy for the straight eye
he wanks into eyes, maybe
Quote from: Dex Sawash on June 20, 2018, 02:50:37 AM
Queer guy for the straight eye
he wanks into eyes, maybe
that made me think "book cake". someone reads a book, pausing to talk about it from time to time, while in the background a cake is baking.
then they wank over the book & the cake.
someone ran away with Entertainment, Showbusiness and Life. That's, all I got.
Superman v Spiderman v Your Mam
florence of arabia.
no, that's it.
The Butt-cracker Suite.
Ballet, like.
Madama Butt-erfly
24 Hours in Pulis: Custardy
Real-time footage from inside Middlesbrough manager Tony Pulis's stomach after he eats a big old fucking bowl of custard.
CLASSIC WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE BUT CHRIS TARRANT IS EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT
My, my, my penis hits you - so hard
Makes me say, "Oh my Lord!"
Thank you - for blessing me
With a weighty dong shooting cum and wee
etc...
To the tune of "Under the Sea" from Little Mermaid
My bell end is pink and fleshy
My scrote is a magic sack
My hoop is a tea-towel holder
Tucked into a sacred crack
Another bit like that, then CHORUS
Yes it's my barse
My wonderful barse
It's dank and its sweaty
With pubic spaghetti from scrotum to arse!
amazing work dopps
all ive got today is
chad nausaeum
which looks a bit weak after that
Had Enough, listening to Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)
Don't worry, I use an electric shaver, it would be very difficult to do owt with that
UPDATE
My bell end is pink and fleshy
My scrote is a magic sack
My hoop is a tea-towel holder
Tucked into a sacred crack
A dark chasm lies between them
A sexual no-man's land
But few men have ever seen it
Come, won't you take my hand?
Discover my barse
My award-wining barse
It's dank and its sweaty
With pubic spaghetti from scrotum to arse!
Whether your Muslim, Christian or Jew
Even the ladies have one too
Touch it, caress it,
Push, pull and press it
My wonderful barse.
When tugging on public transport
You don't want to mess about
To speed up the milk delivery
You must get your finger out
And then give your barse a tickle
And wait for your jaw to drop
I promise you'll spill your yoghurt
Before the next station stop
When you play with your barse
Your glorious barse
The smell sure is strong
The hairs are quite long
But the coverage is sparse.
Some call it the notcher, the gooch or the taint
Pop on a clothes peg and wank 'til you faint
Twist it and squeeze it
Lick it and tease it
Now it's everyone's barse!
Tagliatelle Savalas
"Freezer goods" to the tune of ebeneezer goode by the shamen
Something about the J2O Mojo
I've reported dopp's recent posts for being far too fleshed out for this thread.
Quote from: Dex Sawash on July 06, 2018, 12:28:28 AM
I've reported dopp's recent posts for being far too fleshed out for this thread.
is that all you've got?
New subforum; Deepak into Chopra
A too wacky for Wimblewrong thread. A photoshop too far.
.. not sure that's even possible.
Weapons Grade Paedophile
-tryhard metal band
A new skiffle band want to be cool with an obtuse name
The list is down to:
Jeremy Hunt
Of
Shopping
The Beatles 2
Quote from: New Jack on July 10, 2018, 11:49:02 AM
A new skiffle band want to be cool with an obtuse name
The list is down to:
Jeremy Hunt
Of
Shopping
The Beatles 2
"Right now we're called 'Various Artists' to fuck over people with iPods"
The Beatles 2 is a fucking great name for a band
Get the fuck out of this thread, and take dopplekorn out with you.
Bush, Lush or Rush?
A campaign to get everyone in the UK to synchronize their farts with the arrival of Donald Trump tomorrow, so that when he gets off Air Force One he'll go 'euuugh, bit wiffy.'
Quote from: Norton Canes on July 10, 2018, 02:48:44 PM
Bush, Lush or Rush?
as chat-up lines go, that's... all you've got.
you don't have to not be disabled to work here...
... but it helps!
Cataract. Game show with cats falling onto people or maybe a cartoon sitcom featuring dentist cats.
Quote from: pancreas on July 16, 2018, 04:52:34 PM
Cataract. Game show with cats falling onto people or maybe a cartoon sitcom featuring dentist cats.
I meant optometrist cats.
Robert's Down'sy Juniors
Wunderbarnstaple. Reverse Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. In North Devon.
Impotentate: Limp dictator.
Nailed on.
A sitcom about a Christian who works in a nail bar.
Tales of the Un
I thought "The Coconut Effect" would be a good name for something but I don't know what. I dreamed it.
The Coconut Effect.
Howard from the Halifax adverts on the issue of zombie acceptance.
Quote from: Lost Oliver on July 27, 2018, 01:36:52 PM
Nailed on.
A sitcom about a Christian who works in a nail bar.
+1`
Or how about:
Son of Manicure
To the tune of Good Riddance by Greenday:
Another sausage roll,
A fork stuck in your beans.
This warm and crusty tube,
May not be what it seems
Something something
It's salty and it fills you up,
It fits into a hole.
I hope you had a nice sausage roll.
The girls is all salty
The boys is all sweet
The food ain't too shabby
And now this:
(https://gfx.nrk.no/FMyHynIEb2dK7GH3icOVUQd0JGGQ5kmr8fS2PULiT0-w)
Unseineitary!
SCENE: Generic office corridor, 3pm. Tuesday.
Man in suit trousers and shirt (no tie, no shoes or socks either) is crawling along on his hands and knees, slowly.
FIN
Just an image I've had playing through my brain for a while now. What would you think if you saw that happening? You'd think twice wouldn't you. I certainly would.
Debbie Downer Does Dallas
What's got 4 legs and a cock up it's arse?
Your dog.
A pest makes a nest in Fred West's vests.
Quote from: Cuellar on August 15, 2018, 04:13:28 PM
SCENE: Generic office corridor, 3pm. Tuesday.
Man in suit trousers and shirt (no tie, no shoes or socks either) is crawling along on his hands and knees, slowly.
FIN
Just an image I've had playing through my brain for a while now. What would you think if you saw that happening? You'd think twice wouldn't you. I certainly would.
Made me think of
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1KPSblRUL1s
Young boars go mental (chanel 4, 1997)
Watercolour Impossible
Tabula park rangers
Dick Clement and Ian La Frenulum.
Slimy Alice
Novelty football team names
Redhyde Rangers FC
Red Hydrangeas FC
Altered Terrapin Friendship Gang - Banksy, Moby, Raffles and Tortoise Mayfield. A crab looks after them in the sewers. They like eating kebabs and their catchphrase is "Copacabana!"
Isotonic?
No!
Yousotonic.
Quote from: doppelkorn on July 30, 2018, 09:28:01 PM
To the tune of Good Riddance by Greenday:
Another sausage roll,
A fork stuck in your beans.
This warm and crusty tube,
May not be what it seems
Something something
It's salty and it fills you up,
It fits into a hole.
I hope you had a nice sausage roll.
Thought of this in work this week
Underworld of Leather
Prebendary Bendy Ross
Male baldness cure which works very well and everyone starts taking it, except all the hairs eventually grow into the plant from the Little Shop of Horrors. tl;dr, they all become gorgons.
Glansey
The lost answer machine tapes of Andrew Eldritch.
Fishing stories from the trout's point of view.
Flintstones Erotica
Snorting a line of yogurt
Contorting yourself into a no smoking sign
Removing your torso for the school photo
64 consecutive orgasms all ring your front door bell
Giving yourself nits to avoid military service
Having a firm and frank discussion with your skin tone
Failing the aptitude test to become a nonce
Making your nan orgasm via Morse code
Releasing 65 howler monkeys into the gaff of the lass you fancy
Taking the nephew to see Dickheads on Ice
A troublesome encounter with the wrong knee
Tattooing your National insurance number on your infant sons torso
Rough and Tumble flavoured crisps
A degree in Argos
Dogfuckers weekly
Love all those
Playing synth with your pubes
Olympic dick wrestling
Holding a psychopaths hand in an orchid
A ceremony for a bitch
Donating a spare half hour to a tramp
Resting a crown on your sleeping dads dick
Good grief! It's raining documents!
A nose picking marathon
Doing a gram of ket for Children in Need
I have a warrant to stroke your chin
A 1.8% surcharge on self esteem
Failing to open a tin of plumbs in front of a live studio audience
I can't even explain, how essentially grateful I am, to have the amazing pleasure of letting you kill my toddler via TKO second round
50 ways to lock your door
An interview with a piano
Tracking down your old moustache
Leaving the kitchen on fire because it looks nice like that
Booting a cherished memory in the stomach
Doing weekend shifts as a bishop
Filling a stadium with plonkers
Rob Brydon, Rob Brydon
Does whatever, voiceovers he can
Steve Coogan thinks he rocks
He can do "small man in a box"
Look out! Here comes Rob Brydon!
fucking hell thats bad. post.
Quote from: Dannyhood91 on September 18, 2018, 08:16:26 PM
Failing the aptitude test to become a nonce
Taking the nephew to see Dickheads on Ice
Rough and Tumble flavoured crisps
Quote from: Dannyhood91 on September 18, 2018, 10:32:39 PM
I have a warrant to stroke your chin
Quote from: Dannyhood91 on September 18, 2018, 10:40:12 PM
Tracking down your old moustache
Leaving the kitchen on fire because it looks nice like that
Those were all excellent, but these were my favourites.
Bob the balligerent spell checker.
A crime fighter called constable Paintings.. who does watercolours in his spare time.
The unlikely lads.
If AIDS was a dog what kind of dog would it be?
Top ten turnip misshaps of 1996
Whiskers envy.. a real or imaginary thing?
What if there were only 2,234,678,097 letter Qs left?
'Stung in the helmet'. But I went with it. Because my daddy said to me, "Hell, son, you always got to go with your best shot."
Meal Replacement Bus Service
You know, like those shakes you get that you're meant to have instead of meals. And replacement bus services.
"Look mum, no glans!" shouts a child riding a bicycle
Sketty Wainthropp Investigates
set on a council estate or something
Quote from: Cuellar on September 19, 2018, 11:36:48 AMMeal Replacement Bus Service
You know, like those shakes you get that you're meant to have instead of meals. And replacement bus services.
I like that one, that's a good solid 6 out of 10. You know where you stand with an idea like that.
Visiting your GP to show off your new haircut
Moshers on the green
Kentucky fried steeples
A gothic newborn
Milking the Avon lady
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 19, 2018, 09:44:57 AM
Bob the balligerent spell checker.
he's on his way & he's got you in his sights.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 19, 2018, 09:44:57 AM
Bob the balligerent spell checker.
Keeps your spells in check, with his balls.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 19, 2018, 09:44:57 AM
A crime fighter called constable Paintings.. who does watercolours in his spare time.
Could his boss be DI Whyfurniture?
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 19, 2018, 09:44:57 AM
The unlikely lads.
[tag]Milverton tags a trans thread[/tag]
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 19, 2018, 09:44:57 AM
If AIDS was a dog what kind of dog would it be?
a RAW DOG, dawg! hi-5
Eeeeyy...tch I.V. Chihuahua
Rhodesian Bareback
Golden Reciever
St. Bonehard
Shitzu Jizzu
Insatiable Alsatian
Terminal Terrier
Late Danois
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 19, 2018, 09:44:57 AM
Top ten turnip misshaps of 1996
All of my shaps came off particularly well that year, actually.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 19, 2018, 09:44:57 AM
Whiskers envy.. a real or imaginary thing?
Paws for thought.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 19, 2018, 09:44:57 AM
What if there were only 2,234,678,097 letter Qs left?
God damn you to hell, Spoon of Ploff! It's "letters Q", and now we've wasted two of the bastards on your question! Three! Fuqqqqqq!!!
ta-daa, and that's all I got
Great page though guys. Dannyhood on fire there!
The Jools In The Crown
Jools Holland gets made king but then The Sun take a picture though the window of him fucking his own crown.
'Unexpected item in bagging area'
You look in the bagging area and it's a snake with your nan's face.
'The apple of my eye'
Some bloke suddenly with an apple there instead of one of his eyes going "ARGGHHHH! FUCKING HELL! HELP MEEEEEE!"
Dinosaurs, but better.
The Gripes of Roth. Phillip Roth's complaint letters in the Guardian's new weekend feature.
A knockabout Ben Elton early-'80s style sitcom about the succession of a new young North Korean supreme leader; The Jong 'Uns.
"Hands up who likes me!"
Writes itself.
jonathan meades explores the history of locked threads on CAB and what it means for contemporay architecture in milton keynes. Can't think of a suitable title.
Guy dresses like a bird
(https://i.imgur.com/BWN136S.jpg)
Indoctrinating a sloth into the 9/11 conspiracy
Smuggling flowers into the heart of Norfolk
Halal oxygen
How Deep Is Your Dinner
A hedge cutting holiday to Suffolk
I challenge you to a conversation!
Shagging your way to the bottom of the company hierarchy
Inturpting a eulogy with an extended moan
A dynasty goes into liquidation
We're fanatical about smegma
Pro Evo and Beyblades with Assad
Shirley Bassey: AND IT'S ALL JUST A LITTLE BIT OF SLAMMING YOUR BOLLOCKS IN A CAR DOOR
(https://i.imgur.com/3cKIRWO.png)
THE FAMILY JOOLS
You go back and visit your parents and they're suddenly both Jools Holland. "Step this way, step this way...the wonderful...spare bedroom!"
Palin's Jailin's: Michael Palin makes citizens arrests across the North West.. but because he's such a nice chap the various thugs and druggies he apprehends are more than happy to get locked up.
Palin's Failin's: Michael Palin fails at a number of challenges... I dunno, learning to play the guitar.. do heart surgery.
Palin's Nailin's: Various hammering techniques with Michael Palin.
Palin's Sailings: Michael Palin sinks' the Oracle yacht during some boat race.
Palin's Flailings: Michael Palin runs about waving his arms in the air and occasionally taking someone's eye out
Palin's Railings: A 401 part documentary about Britain's railings fronted by Michael Palin
Palin's Ailing: After all, he's not getting any younger is he (Michael Palin)?
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 21, 2018, 01:44:24 PM
Palin's Jailin's: Michael Palin makes citizens arrests across the North West.. but because he's such a nice chap the various thugs and druggies he apprehends are more than happy to get locked up.
Palin's Failin's: Michael Palin fails at a number of challenges... I dunno, learning to play the guitar.. do heart surgery.
Palin's Nailin's: Various hammering techniques with Michael Palin.
Palin's Sailings: Michael Palin sinks' the Oracle yacht during some boat race.
Palin's Flailings: Michael Palin runs about waving his arms in the air and occasionally taking someone's eye out
Palin's Railings: A 401 part documentary about Britain's railings fronted by Michael Palin
Palin's Ailing: After all, he's not getting any younger is he (Michael Palin)?
A set of US spinoffs with "...in the USA!" added to all the titles, hosted by Sarah Palin.
Palin's Palin: Michael Palin interviews Sarah Palin. He does so as his Mr Gumby character.
Q: What is Michael Palin's favourite biscuit?
A: Nice.
NET FLICKS
You buy an entertainment streaming subscription from a dodgy bloke in Dartford market and when you get it home you find it's just a webcam pointed at some net curtains and occasionally, about twice a day on average, the dodgy bloke's big hairy hand hoves into view and flicks the curtain material. You are transfixed.
Quote from: non capisco on September 22, 2018, 12:59:56 AM
NET FLICKS
You buy an entertainment streaming subscription from a dodgy bloke in Dartford market and when you get it home you find it's just a webcam pointed at some net curtains and occasionally, about twice a day on average, the dodgy bloke's big hairy hand hoves into view and flicks the curtain material. You are transfixed.
And where does Michael Palin fit into all this?
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 22, 2018, 11:36:34 AM
And where does Michael Palin fit into all this?
Either way, you have to admit this looks bad for Corbyn.
SorryMate: Coffemate substitute
Eric Banter-na
"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think your mum's on there giving out blowjobs, the dirty cow."
Brilliant. Will be using the phrase Eric Banter-Na in work from now on.
Queue-cumberband
Posting "you have to admit, this looks bad for Corbyn" in entirely unrelated threads. It's a meta-joke, y'know, about the media and that. Oh I don't know.
What's In The Envelope??
I dunno... No I'm not going to open it, it's not addressed to me is it?
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 26, 2018, 01:38:09 PM
What's In The Envelope??
I dunno... No I'm not going to open it, it's not addressed to me is it?
Whatever it is, you have to admit it looks bad for Corbyn.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on September 26, 2018, 01:36:19 PM
Posting "you have to admit, this looks bad for Corbyn" in entirely unrelated threads. It's a meta-joke, y'know, about the media and that. Oh I don't know.
That's already been done to death, mate. And yes, it looks bad for Corbyn.
Time travelling restaurants.
Quote from: bgmnts on September 26, 2018, 01:53:39 PM
Time travelling restaurants.
Cool. So if you have a bad meal you have the option of paying, or going back in time and ordering a takeout?
Quote from: pancreas on September 26, 2018, 01:51:40 PM
That's already been done to death, mate. And yes, it looks bad for Corbyn.
Must be where I got the idea from. Either way, you have to admit... etc etc
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 26, 2018, 02:04:03 PM
Cool. So if you have a bad meal you have the option of paying, or going back in time and ordering a takeout?
No its a restaruant where you go in and you get actual real food from whatever time period, cooked by a cook from that time.
I like your idea better though.
That List Of Richard Herring's Emergency Questions In Full
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on September 26, 2018, 02:50:20 PM
That List Of Richard Herring's Emergency Questions In Full
If you had to have one, which of the following would you rather have; a hand made of Stewart Lee wanking me off with Keith Allen moving a crash mat, or an armpit that dispenses Patrick Marber taking all the credit for Andrew Collins? I didn't break that cupboard.
Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on September 26, 2018, 03:39:21 PM
If you had to have one, which of the following would you rather have; a hand made of Stewart Lee wanking me off with Keith Allen moving a crash mat, or an armpit that dispenses Patrick Marber taking all the credit for Andrew Collins? I didn't break that cupboard UUUHHHHHHHHHHHUUHHHHHHHH
Regardless of the answer from the guest, cut them off and talk about Shrek or that time you lost a load of money on a play.
Would you rather have a Tim from the Office or a Time Gentlemen Please paid for my house?
How many second class stamps do you have about your person right now?
Go!!
inspired by the what's in the envelope post. god i'm on a roll today
0
also 0
Listening to all the McFly albums at the same time
Forming a supergroup out of the surviving members of Busted and McFly.
... a-and calling it Busted Fly
McBust
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on September 26, 2018, 04:35:07 PM
How many second class stamps do you have about your person right now?
I've been stamped 'second class' many times, so lots
(https://i.redd.it/f2xnu28efjo11.jpg)
Here I Goat Again on my Own?
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on September 26, 2018, 07:44:19 PM
(https://i.redd.it/f2xnu28efjo11.jpg)
Having a single photograph of an animal wasn't enough to stop Glebe. You'll get at least thirty threads out of that. You've got to put the work in.
You know nduja? Well, I ndon't, yeah?
Potty botherer
Peter Gabriel's World Cooking for One. Volume 2.
Krypton Factor but all the rounds are increasingly well manned bukkakes
Kryton factor
Crouton Factor.
Gypsum Factor
Challenge Aggregates
I went outside for a bit.
Mahmoud ABBA
I made eye contact with an attractive woman at a shop in Norfolk in 2007 and I need help tracking her down to get her National insurance number.
Introduce me to the caretaker
Growing weak at the thought of skirting boards
Sentenced to hang until the neck until bored
Let's hurl abuse at decorated war heroes
Sexual tension between a man and his draft excluder
Tommy Robinson playing with toy cars and making a "brum brum" noise
The Oopsie Daisy Men
Tuppence a Braithwaite
Just got mugged and they took off with my sense of direction
African Daddy Mustard
Just got an email saying you're allowed some crisps
Hench side of the moon
I'm failing to understand Howard
So proud. My dads just been born
Opening up your brand new sports car to find the interior is made entirely of foreskin
Forgive me father for I have sneezed
Nautical Nottingham
The Grim Sleeper
Lend me a personality complex
Eskimo Education
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on September 26, 2018, 07:44:19 PM
(https://i.redd.it/f2xnu28efjo11.jpg)
Robert Plant's Christmas card 1987.
Judge Grindr
Fuckance
Judge Judy, an executioner.
an anti drugs campaign with the message that you probably shouldn't do crack cocaine
PJ Harvey licks the door clean.
Hammertime with Duncan Bannatyne
Un-cool Albert
Boris Johnson in a tent.
Having a misdirectomy
A naked Roger Daltry trussed up from the ceiling being prodded by men with long handled dildos.
A shit! A very palpable shit!
A 0.8 magnitude Trevor.
A roadtrip to Dartford from... I dunno... Maidstone?
Mecha-Craig David
TONY HAWKS PRO SKATEBOARDER 2: the musical
Saturday night levers, with holo-dibnah
Pay-Pal-la-carte?
Magnetic robot wars
Wayne and Ken are too ugly old gay lovers who make porn films, using extravagant and wild positions, accessories, erotic scenarios, costumes, great cinematography etc.
But it isn't homophobic while remaining amusingly disgusting and ludicrous
The Man With The Chiles In His Eyes
Going down on your mum as she checks her emails
The littlest hobo going from town to town dragging his cock over everything in sight.
A butty curry
Minnie Driver's middle name is 'Bus'.
Quote from: Cuellar on November 01, 2018, 10:47:02 AM
Minnie Driver's middle name is 'Bus'.
Honey, you don't need any
more than that.
Thanks, didn't think it needed a new thread though. And I had to publish it somewhere.
I just had to.
Quote from: Cuellar on November 01, 2018, 10:47:02 AM
Minnie Driver's middle name is 'Bus'.
We also would have accepted "Cab"
The Cunty Sark.
Works on 2 levels, but I can't be arsed doing anything else with either of em
Gamines v Gammons
A quiz show pitting mischievously attractive young women with pixie cuts against bloated, red-faced old Brexit enthusiasts.
Grand Theft Autoasphyxiation. You play a Tory MP, stealing food from low income families before suffocating yourself with a bin bag spattered with your own cum.
A spin off of Dr Who where they're all hamsters or something.
Quote from: Cuellar on November 01, 2018, 10:47:02 AM
Minnie Driver's middle name is 'Bus'.
I used to tell people it was 'cooper' but, believable though mine is, yours is funnier.
Ta!
A nice shiny penis
As for our beautiful new daughter-in-law, what can I say? Our Gavin is certainly punching above his weight! [laughter]. No, seriously though, we feel privileged to be welcoming Emily into the Jones clan - we've never had a squirter in the family before.
scratch and sniff to reveal your PIN
Replacing the lyrics "the sun" with "my bum".
For tomorrow may rain but
I'll follow my bum
...
My bum will come out, tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
...
Etc etc
A man puts of doing something for only 10 minutes. Amateurcrastinator.
Some paper bags go into a bank to apply for a rustle grant.
A man with no arms who wants to take his shopping home goes into a bank to apply for a carry grant.
Some water that wants to swirl around a bit goes into a bank to apply for an eddy grant.
Hugh Grant goes into a bank to apply for a huge cunt.
^big laugh
Blew Man Group- a bit off the Vegas strip
A teratoma wank
This Fall:
Danson, Selleck and Mahoney reunite for:
Three Men and a Fully Grown Woman With Tits and Everything
"The impressive twitter feed of Michael Shallows the MP for Wheat Sheaf and Cold Harbour South."
Going to start a thread in H.S.Arts for this... any day now.
David Janson: Great Right?
The Boy With Willie Thorne On His Side
Jeffery Leffe-ry
A Jeffery that drinks too much Leffe(ry) and gets into hijinx.
Yes, I might be drinking Leffe.
Choudary Chouffe
A Choudary that drinks too much Chouffe and starts now banned proscribed organisations.
Orville Orval
A Orville that drinks too much Orval and thinks it can fly, IT CAN'T.
There's a theme.
Year 1's homework this weekend is an acrostic poem: Disestablishmentarianism
The Brexit Thread drinking game...
Quote from: petrilTanaka on November 28, 2018, 06:21:25 PM
The Boy With Willie Thorne On His Side
This could run and run.
Willie Thorne, standing on the sidelines, cheering The Boy on to score the winning goal.
Willie Thorne, sitting in the audience, watching The Boy perform a ballet routine.
Willie Thorne, strategically placed in a pub, near The Boy and his group of mates. The Boy suggests some outlandish theory, Willie Thorne 'overhears' and says, 'You know, I think that's right. Yeah, I read that'.
Then, tension.
The Boy has a big big pitch, really needs Willie Thorne to gee him up before going into the meeting. But what's this? Willie Thorne nowhere to be found. The Boy dashes out of the building, scans up and down the high street until, horror of horrors, he sees a Betfred. Oh god. Not now. The Boy enters. We focus on his face. It doesn't show horror, it doesn't show disgust, it doesn't show disappointment. SHARP CUT TO BLACK LIKE THE SOPRANOS.
a Children's BBC "magical secret" style effort. Gary Lineker as the shadowy authority conspiracy guy, trying to get Willie back onto the gambling. The Boy isn't important, it's just that Willie Thorne's latched on to him as a substitute for the bookies. Willie needs to escape.
The Boy takes up snooker, and qualifies for a ranking event. But Willie is there for his day job with the BBC. And there's encouragement to bet everywhere. Can Willie Thorne fight off his demons, encourage The Boy AND remain fairly neutral?
by Pip & Jane Baker
Willie Thorne coaching The Boy. He's got potential. He's got what it takes. And with Willie Thorne on his side, he can't lose.
That is, until 'Legend' Gary Lineker takes an interest. Willie Thorne is up to his bollocks in hock to Lineker. The solution is obvious, he tells Willie Thorne. The Boy has to lose. Lineker makes a packet, Willie Thorne's debt is cleared.
"And The Boy?" asks Willie Thorne.
"Well," chuckles Lineker. "Maybe it's time The Boy grew up. See you on Saturday, Dick"
"It's Willie actually"
"Shut up"
Willie Thorne, running like fuck. The Boy's dad, with the wrong idea. The dad's dark past is about to erupt and change things forever, if The Boy could only summon the courage to say to someone
harry potter, five years after leaving hogwarts, has developed a personality disorder & been banned from doing any spells with effects lasting longer than three seconds, on pain of death.
as he rides home on the bus from his dead-end job through miserable rainy november streets, he cheers himself up by conjuring the phones of annoying teenagers on the bus to 100 degrees centigrade & back, & when he sees more annoying teenagers being noisy in the streets, he conjures bucketfuls of cold water to land on them out of thin air.
none of this helps. none of this is going to get hermione back.
A Confederacy of Nonces
Done already: NAMBLA.
"What's My Line?"
Minor celebrities snort thum-thick 10 inch stripes of unidentified powdered substances, then attempt a guess at what they might be before inevitably collapsing into coma, experiencing an existential freakout, finding god and/or vomiting and shiteing everywhere with volcanic ferocity.
Kenny Rogers Spitroasters
A bunch of uneducated pillocks throwing sprouts at a dinner lady.
Someone with a mask loses their mask
The Twelve Days of Christmas but it's haunted
Food left in a car
I had a great one for this thread but I've forgotten it.
It might have been 'Therapists, ear-prostitutes' but I don't think it was. It was better than that, and I can't for the life of me think what it was.
"Caught Short"
Dwarves are served up industrial strength laxative-laced meals before being set away on a race against time to get to a nearby destination (which houses a solid gold toilet complete with silk loo roll), all the while being pursued by fart sniffing hounds.
Will they win the prize of a nice comfortable evacuation, or will they be...
Caught Short
Bally Kiss Angel
TV show in which ruddy faced officer-types yell at people to get them to kiss the actor who played Angel in Buffy.
It is my Christmas wish that every single idea in this 15 page thread becomes a living, breathing HS Art topic.
A
Ways to get Ferris a million quid thread.
- mug 10,000 people for 1,000 quid each
- mug 1,000 people for 10,000 quid each
- lobby Congress or eccentric billionaires on his behalf
Etc etc.
Points given for originality.
So I said, 'Quantum Leap on this!'.
Quote from: Cuellar on December 06, 2018, 11:02:24 AM
Bally Kiss Angel
TV show in which ruddy faced officer-types yell at people to get them to kiss the actor who played Angel in Buffy.
david "aurora" borealis, him off 'bones'. him.
Horthy the Cat
Benj Press
just wanna fuck loads of people
this
Wall Street: Money Never Sharts
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Quote from: Chollis on December 12, 2018, 12:25:18 AM
Wall Street: Money Never Sharts
"Throne, is where I want to be. Pick me up and turn me round"
well if you made that then that was good.
Anna Lingus : Supernatural murder-mystery.
Anna can see images of the last violent moments of a victim's life if she licks their bumhole.
Wayne's World 2 bongo remake: If You Fook Them, They Will Cum
Jesus Christ: Highlander
Another effort in the ever-weaker Highlander franchise.
This time though, it takes him three days to come back to life once he pegs it.
...but then he can fly.
Bob Dylan's dob billin's.
The godfather of folk runs a collection agency for people who haven't kept up repayments on their dobs.
NB: have to invent an item called a "dob" for this idea to work.
Zombies that prioritise wanking over eating brains and the like.
a zombie film where they just pretended loads of other folk were zombies for a laugh because they were bored
Quote from: Fishfinger on December 12, 2018, 11:24:33 PM
Zombies that prioritise wanking over eating brains and the like.
"When there's no more room in hell the dead will wank on earth"
Quote from: petrilTanaka on December 12, 2018, 11:30:51 PM
a zombie film where they just pretended loads of other folk were zombies for a laugh because they were bored
a zombie film where they were actually zombies all along but so were the police and armed forces
Paul Hardcastle's bucket list
Detective Pikachu
Quote from: Dex Sawash on December 14, 2018, 01:09:25 AM
Detective Pikachu
Well, that'll never work. Needs more substance.
Solenoids!!!
just woke up this morning and the word 'Solenoids' popped into my head.
Solenoids!!!
Monkey Dennis
Humble curry
Jesus Christ poo poo star
Jane Horrocks' hairy bollocks
Quote from: Lordofthefiles on December 13, 2018, 12:12:14 AM
"When there's no more room in hell the dead will wank on earth"
The Wanking Dead. Knobs ripped off, but they Absolutely. Will. Not. Stop.
Deep fried fish served with sliced potatoes, also fried.
Hark the Gerald angels sing
Father Christmas the Hotdog.
Father Christmas is a Hotdog and he's all crude and that.
The Skidmark Bandit- gets in houses somehow and skids up the bowl with streaks of poo, leaves otherwise undetected
Ever Decreasing Circus
Richard Briers plays a hitherto successful ringmaster except now there's a massive hole in his tent.
A show where someone sneaks into peoples houses and sets their alarm clocks back one hour. He secretely films them stumbling about bemused by this state of affairs.
What do you mean everyone uses their bio locked smart phones as an alarm clock these days?!
Asking your bird to have an affair with a disgraced athlete so you can get round to caving the kitchen door in.
Quitting your job as a successful drug dealer because you can't remember how to open the bags.
The lay-by mansion
Starting a thread to determine who would be the best and worst Beatle to get a permanent seat on the UN Security Council.
(Ringo and John, respectively)
A man in a supermarket is forced to leave his basket of bargain reductions because a fire-alarm goes off. By the time he gets back someone has had off with all of them, so he collapses in grief, also partly because his marriage is on the rocks. A Swedish porn director finds him and turns him into a gay porn star and he becomes somewhat satisfied with his life.
Quote from: pancreas on December 20, 2018, 08:41:18 AM
A man in a supermarket is forced to leave his basket of bargain reductions because a fire-alarm goes off. By the time he gets back someone has had off with all of them, so he collapses in grief, also partly because his marriage is on the rocks. A Swedish porn director finds him and turns him into a gay porn star and he becomes somewhat satisfied with his life.
"Up The Asda" - This Fall on BBC Four
Guyphoid
Gatwick:Terminal (2018)
An absolute pack of lies and outright bullshit propaganda bring Gatwick airport to a complete standstill for fuck knows what reason.
The country is plunged into desolation as wannabe upper-middle class families fail to make their connecting flights to see the Coca-Cola truck pass through Aspen.
Only one man can hold the whole charade together... Martin Brunt - with his hotline to MI6 agent Robert Murat and his unique ability to be in the absolute heart of any fishy goings on that either aid a government narrative or clean up a mess caused by a member of the ruling elite.
A cynical daughter euthanises her ailing mother for the inheritance and her mother's ghost follows her around only able to speak to her from toilets she is sitting on, from which vantage point she also wreaks her revenge by giving her daughter IBS. The daughter must now choose a path between supernaturally induced IBS or shitting in public places.
Judy Cromer
The Village Green Reservation Society.
I hope you've done the requisition forms correctly.
(https://railwayproject.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Shunting-Equipment-3-2.jpg)
Kit for shunts
"Opium for the Masses"
Kris Akabusi and Lily Savage present a travelling roadshow where each week a small backward town or city is chosen to be metaphorically, and literally, wiped off the cultural map.
Anyone found wearing glasses or in possession of books is rounded up outside the townhall and shot up with a semi-lethal, instant-addiction forming, blast of finest grade afghan heroin.
Week one: The teachers, librarians and bespectacled public transport patrons of Burnley are hog-tied and brought to the feet of The Mayor as the ceremony begins.
Craig David-themed amusement park.
Murder on the Bounty. Russian roulette with novichok flavoured chocolate bars.
Karl's magic pen. The ink ran out in 1987 but he pretends it's still working, and he can read every invisible word.
a pools agent keeps pretending that business will pick up again. it's cycling, a new generation will fall in love with perming 8 from 10. a cert. it's his promise to himself every August.
Chub with nub
Spelling Bee.
A massive bee politely listens to a judge give a word, then spells it with twenty "Z"s.
The Girl with the Dagenham Tattoo
LOLed
The Shillington museum for amusingly bent paper clips.
Buster Bloodvessel changes his name by deed poll to Subconjunctival Haemorrhage
Set up a teacup museum. People come in but then they discover it's actually a Ted Bundy museum.
A thread where people are only allowed to post things if they've been deprived of sleep for 36 hours, and the bloke next door has been streaming episodes of The Big Bang Theory nonstop.
... Also. They're not allowed to take it back later after they're well rested and regretful.
praying man tits.
A theatrical re-imagining of Craig David's Seven Days.
Quote from: pancreas on January 12, 2019, 01:45:16 AM
Set up a teacup museum. People come in but then they discover it's actually a Ted Bundy museum.
You might need to murder the visitors, or they'll spill the beans on TripAdvisor. Still, what do they expect if they're visiting a Ted Bundy museum. They should have known.
It'd become a thing in itself. Endless irritated posts on tripadvisor about how it's really a Ted Bundy museum in disguise. People would be like: 'have you heard about that teacup museum'? 'Yeah, you mean the Ted Bundy one.' 'Yeah.'
Last Brexit To Ooklyn
Sport Relief 2019.
Live Action Dan Dare.
Harry Kane as the titular hero and Vincent Kompany as The Mekon.
Nicodemus and Pliers
Netflix series The Queen, but set in an ants' nest.
Netflix series The Queen, but set in a drag commune.
"Spit n Shove" with Bob Carolgees
Disease where you can only shit while looking at pictures of Ian Botham.
enter the spider hearse more like
Disease where when you shit Ian Botham looks at you
Disease where you only do shits that look like Ian Botham. Although your diarrhoea looks like Bob Willis.
"Sexing Chicks"
A 42 part reality TV "experience" that explores the weird and wonderful world of The Zen-Nippon Chick Sexing School in Japan.
Presented by Philip Scofield and anyone from an ever revolving set of blonde cunts with big mouths that seem to appear in anything and everything on ITV.
The hilarity never stops as "Pip" and Blonde Cunt go into a ten minute fit of hysterics every time someone mentions "sex", "sexing", "chick sex" or "sexing chicks".
Already greenlit for a second, third and fourth series, two Christmas specials and an "Easter Eggstravaganza" episode.
-----
"Sexing Chicks: All Night Long"
To be shown on ITV2 throughout the evening as a companion piece.
Presented by another Blonde Cunt and Rylan.
We get to meet the night shift workers at the school's dedicated chickfactory. Following the low paid, semi-skilled capers of the nocturnal crew as they organise the pre-sexed chicks into their new homes; the females are slung into a pit of dirt, shit and seeds, whilst the male chicks are placed into a soundproof room with a floor made from a huge industrial grinding machine.
Great post, too good for this thread, so go and fuck yourself - but also well done
Weightlifting for Godot
Game show where you have to guess the age of genitals from closeup photos. Revolving hosts, starting with Neil and Christine Hamilton.
Dempsey & Codpiece - A hardboiled NYC cop forms a crime fighting duo with a medieval minstrel.
Who creased my trousers?
Starring Ant or Dec... whichever one isn't in rehab/prison that month.
Quote from: Cuellar on January 17, 2019, 08:14:11 PM
Weightlifting for Godot
Weigh-in for Godot; No Fat Chicks
Wahey man for Godot: The Geordie version.
Should I bunk off from work and go and sleep in my car?
Mullet of Kintyre: a show where the residents of Campbeltown all grow a mullet and compete for the "best" one. The winner is Kevin McGlade, a 52 year old farmer with a dog called n**ger
GG Allin Carpool Karaoke
Titler: A Warning from History
A dramatised account of the rise and fall of Adolf Hitler played by Lolo Ferrari.
You could do a stand up and say, "Anyone here from [likely place]???" and wave your arms up in the air. Then if at least one person responded in a similar way, perhaps going 'Woooo!', you could focus on them and say, "What? It was a simple yes and no question. Is that how you respond to all questions?" Then absorb the laughter from everyone else, because you need it to live. Then go, like, "It makes me wonder what your answer would be in other situations. Like, if the question were yelled, 'HEY, I HOPE YOU CAN ALL HEAR ME OVER THE NOISE OF THE HELICOPTER NEXT TO US WHOSE ROTORS ARE WHIRRING RIGHT ABOVE. WHAT I NEED TO KNOW IS, ARE YOU ALL FAMILIAR WITH BASIC HELICOPTER/ROTOR SAFETY PROTOCOLS?'" Then you wave your arms up in the air and go 'Wooooo' and mime that they're being severed and blood is spurting.
^ Stuart Lee told. Ah, now that's the good stuff, you indolent wanker.
"David Blowie"
A gritty drama set in an alternate timeline that follows the exploits of a young David Jones who, having never met Mick Ronson, is forced to work his way up the slippery slope of stardom by giving 'Sweet Head' to all and sundry in an attempt to curry enough favour to get a record deal.
A found footage film composed of Martin Freeman's looks to camera. But the camera belongs to his stalker.
Wagamama
From Bowl to Arsehole*
* 40 hours average transit time. Wagamama cannot be held responsible for delays, early arrivals or anus burn
That's less than I got, tbh, much less, surprised you're even dragging this up again after last time, boss.
"Bong Jovi" - a soft-reggae tribute act
In an effort to fill the Time Team-shaped hole in the tv schedule.
That's My Dig
Two teams of archeology students attempt to identify their excavation site from aerial photos, close-ups of exploration trenches and assorted shards of Medieval pottery.
Winning team gets a box containing a That's My Dig mug each - which have been smashed into pieces so they must reconstruct them.
Porthole: Porthole
The spotlight is turned on mariners
A new thread commenting on all the political threads. It would include things like 'so and so made a good point there about the thing, but maybe needed to do so with less words.' followed by 'i disagree with that, its wrong' then 'well aren't you a c*nt then you c*nt' followed by 'no actually' and so on and so forth.
The thread could be called 'What the Politically Minded CABers are Saying Today'
Ian Rankin's Ian Ranking - a comprehensive listing of Ians from worst to best.
The Wasp Factory - a docudrama about the bin collectors at Alton Towers.
The surname Horrocks is discovered to be an abbreviation of Horror Bollocks
"Gompertz' Skirts"
Will Gompertz reveals his love of cross dressing and welcomes BBC Four viewers to marvel at his range of high street purchases.
Episode one: featuring a knee length pleated navy and cream summerwear number, and a besequinned denim mini with matching ankle bracelet.
if I can't tease a wank out about Princess Di, not saying I'll give up, it's just....
Quote from: Lordofthefiles on February 01, 2019, 04:01:54 PM
a knee length pleated navy and cream summerwear number,
White and gold
Vagina Mary
(https://i.postimg.cc/Gt8FB6Xq/20190205-121205.jpg)
Total Brie-call
Man dreams of becoming a call centre operator for a cheese advisory board
or does he?
Animated kung-fu beach film starring "Steven Seagul"
When Gary Met Sally
"Come-Dine With Me"
Men only version of the classic Channel Four reality show... with tiny plates.
"Love; actually" is simultaneously a shit film, and the introduction of a man about to correct mansplain something to a woman in a pub.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on February 07, 2019, 12:57:00 AM
"Love; actually" is simultaneously a shit film, and the introduction of a man about to correct mansplain something to a woman in a pub.
immediately read that in the voice of martin clunes.
"It's lovely to have you all here today to celebrate Tom and Emily's special day. I'm sure you all agree that Emily looks amazing [murmurs of approval]. I remember when Tom first brought her home, I thought 'Christ, I can't wait to catch this one coming out of the shower' "
Clunes on Clunes
Had a nightmare about an Only Fools and Horses character with a gun, woke up screaming
Triggered by Trigger's Trigger
Luckily he got busted by Buster who was, at the time, bankrupt. And also broken. And listening to a crap boy band formed in the year 2000. And who them himself was subsequently arrested
Then Rodney got a job as a wine distributor. Del Boy coined the very colloquial name for the business accidentally whilst insulting Rodney.
Chessington World of Indentured Servants
Tags: (sarcastically, to ex wife) No, you're all I got.
And I'm not even married!!
Yeah, look. Off I fuckski, ex wife. Sorry to destroy the atmosphere of your latest cervical screening.
A garden, but it's all the wrong colours or something, I dunno.
It's a double roll over, but they are only paying out in cheese vouchers.
Where is my copy of Flatland by Edwin Abbott?
Is it possibly in a curled up dimension?
Yes, dimension humour. It would be a cracking thread, though probably much of it would go over my head.
Except it couldn't, as there is no vertical dimension to reckon with. ahaha
That sort of thing.
Guy Chadwick's Fuck Shop
Quote from: Captain Poodle Basher on January 27, 2019, 11:05:39 AM
In an effort to fill the Time Team-shaped hole in the tv schedule.
That's My Dig
Two teams of archeology students attempt to identify their excavation site from aerial photos, close-ups of exploration trenches and assorted shards of Medieval pottery.
Winning team gets a box containing a That's My Dig mug each - which have been smashed into pieces so they must reconstruct them.
the final episode is just the leader of the winning team, standing at the edge of his correctly-identified hole in the ground.
"one man & his dig".
later the show title is recycled for a series of piece-to-camera rants.
Up feeding the boy Ferris Jr twice already and it's only 2.34am.
I'm going to be flooding this thread with shit, half-baked ideas. As soon as I think of one I'll begin proceedings.
Gritty reboot of Howard the Duck.
The Borrowers, but they're all normal sized.
Ice cube trays in the shape of your favourite childrens' entertainers.
STRICTLY NO SAVILES.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on February 15, 2019, 07:49:13 AM
Ice cube trays in the shape of your favourite childrens' entertainers.
STRICTLY NO SAVILES.
ICE NONCE.
Not sure what that is yet, just a name for something.
A device that traps paedophiles, a Nonce Ensconcer
A wacky game show fronted by Dave Benson Philips called Ensconce That Nonce!
From the Bonces of Nonces
Like In Our Time, but all the contributors are pederasts.
wrong thread
fuck off
Amber Rudd tries to sanction a honey badger's benefits, with hilarious results.
Burgers, but the buns are made out of other burgers.
Could Superman shoot to kill with his zits?
if anyone replies/continues your idea here, it means your idea is TOO GOOD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on February 19, 2019, 06:59:29 PM
if anyone replies/continues your idea here, it means your idea is TOO GOOD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD
That's a great point, Plankton, mate. Excellent idea. Great thinking.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on February 19, 2019, 10:31:17 PM
That's a great point, Plankton, mate. Excellent idea. Great thinking.
Oh do fuckoff
Favourite Species of Pondlife
A mattress made out of mats
A buttress made out of butts
A mistress made out of mist
A congress made out of
New kind of paninni: Cheddar forge
Kinder egg rammed up cock sans instructions
CABs very own Frankenstein's Monster. Can we make one out of the body parts in user names?
So far I've got Shoulders, Stomarch, and a Pancreas...
Tit
Ohh. fishfinger. that's one finger... seven more to go
paul calf
madhair60... we don't want our monster to be a baldy now do we?
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on February 20, 2019, 11:44:33 AM
paul calf
madhair60... we don't want our monster to be a baldy now do we?
Similarly, our own Plankton
Sideburns can be broken down for parts.
rounding off the facial hair situation we have BeardFaceMan... In fact if we get desperate for head parts we can just round things off with BeardFaceMan... A-and if we're really stuck lets just go with BeardFaceMan
You'll be wanting Gregory's torso, natch.
Peanus Butter (nothing to do with the Frankensteim just a that's all I got)
Mr Shit meet Mr Piss!
Quote from: spamwangler on January 11, 2017, 11:00:54 PM
11:30 Taking Stock of Evil:
Barry Scott Takes a Look at The Gravies of the Nazis, in colour (brown)
fucking shit example this, you cunt
"Britain's Got Talent" type show, except it's just swarms of angry bees auditioning each time, stinging the panel of judges to death. Pick four cunts and watch them drown in bees.
"Chiles Pornography"
Adrian Chiles streams himself watching hours of really unpleasant, reprehensible pornography, his huge rumpled bat face growing sicker and sicker as he plays loosely with the definition of "barely legal". Just an endless parade of slime and the unnecessary defilement of young women gradually eroding the gnarled cliff of his face away like an ocean of curdled spunk.
B
Edit: Sorry, meant to post that in General Bullshit.
M-8, yer dugs an abstract impressionist
New comic strip villain
Al Dante
Ubbcgi ICICI ICICI income chip chip! Mate
Margarita Praga Khan
contemporary take on the Dangerous Brothers: The ASOS Boys
The Pubic's Cube Championship, or The Rubick's Pube Championship, or summit, I don't fucking know do I?!
Turquard.
A satire on clocks
Telling Atom Egoyan that it should be "Atoms Egoyan, because you're not just one are you?"
A sitcom where the main characer is sad because his wife is dead so does bad things and kills a tramp but at the end realizes he should do good things instead.
I had a dream where everyone in OFAH called Rodney a wanker instead of a plonker, but with real malice. I don't know where else to post this. I don't recall any other parts of the dream.
"Rodney, you wanker."
Prosemite Sam hates rabbits but has warm feelings toward semitic people of all creeds.
An armoured bus that deliberately takes you through the abysmal parts of town.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on March 15, 2019, 09:45:56 PM
I had a dream where everyone in OFAH called Rodney a wanker instead of a plonker, but with real malice. I don't know where else to post this. I don't recall any other parts of the dream.
"Rodney, you wanker"
Ger Ger Granville, fer fer fer
fuck off!
Quote from: Norton Canes on March 20, 2019, 02:26:42 PM
Ger Ger Granville, fer fer fer fuck off!
More venom in he delivery than that.
Ger Ger Granville, fer fer fer
fuck you.
It was darkly hilarious.
Telling Ronnie Barker's son that he's #forkcancelled
That kid from school that died but he's alive and he's your new boss and your entire grip on reality slips.
Wrong thread you drunk dick!
Fitting things into an old jar of Marmite that hasn't been washed out yet.
Vegemite vs Marmite: The Movie
Forty in a Bed:
FEEDBACK FORM: We found faeces in the shower, and breakfast was disgusting too.
MANAGER: Ah, this must be... er... wait a minute...
Sausage Rollerblading.
"Renfeld!!!"
That's it. Just someone wandering about randomly shouting "Renfeld!!!"
No. Not Renfield.... Renfeld.. There's a difference. It's important.
Some joke about lens wipes
Do you sell lens wipes?
Don't care whose they are mate
What do you call bog roll endorsed by Lenny Henry, Len Goodman, and Bishop Len Brennan?
Lens wipes.
That sort of thing
Do you sell lens wipes?
No, just my own
GOOD
Do you sell screen wipes?
No this is an abattoir you turd
Needs work
I would start a film production company called Cockthirst Films and they would make very serious films so that at the start of the very serious films all the other production company logos would come up then it would say Cockthirst Films
Jonathan Craven Mysteries
A lightly modded John Craven solves fairly trivial crimes in the countryside. Probably a bit like Heartbeat but mainly just him on screen delivering standard Countryfile articles.
Rating places (that aren't a bed) to have a sleep in.
Hammocks, park benches, etc
Will they fuck? Game show where you have to predict if different animals will fuck each other, and if so, whether they survive.
Findandfuckmycar.com
'There's sick on the roof ... the roof!'
The Rumbelows: Holiday Special
Is it Still There?
Remember that sweet shop from when you were little. The one where you went to buy your sweets? Is it still there?
The potential for spin off threads is enormous.
An off-campus group that uses empathic leadership to strengthen its individual members' Bjork impressions.
The Man, DeLorean probably isn't canon in ext universe
'Unexpected item in shagging area'
Heidegger hums 'phenomena' on sesame street.
Quote from: Cuellar on April 25, 2019, 09:09:12 PM
'Unexpected item in shagging area'
Machines in Morrisons say "surprising item in bagging area". No idea why they felt the need to make the change.
Dave and Incel Collins
Quote from: GMTV on April 26, 2019, 06:20:01 PM
Machines in Morrisons say "surprising item in bagging area". No idea why they felt the need to make the change.
"please insert your card into Eddi Reader"
Sitcom about a postman starring Norman Mailer as "The Postie"
Member that fellow what drank poison at the hague?
(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/OJTo1hJPPwI/sddefault.jpg#404_is_fine)
Prostatyn
Poohcocks, game played on a bridge somehow
Quote from: Dex Sawash on May 08, 2019, 11:57:47 AM
Poohcocks, game played on a bridge somehow
It's just like poohsticks but you lop off your penis and toss that in. Not a game you can play twice, but no doubt hilarious fun while it lasts.
I should've made a thread, I reckon
THE GREAT BRITISH MENU BUT ALL OF THE DISHES ARE SOUP BOWLS FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH TEPID SEMEN
Dr Oetkerpuss v Spudderman
I'VE NIGHTMARED MYSELF
An elephant that always forgets
there is arroz in spanish harlem
Geoff Capes, Wears Capes, Flys
A shop that sells overstretched Armstrongs
Having a sleep, but in a gay way
wanking-crying emojis
The Wonderful World of Craig David!
Alexander Graham Bellend
Protein whips
International goblin delivery
Sat Bains builds a wall of onions
A bee hive that only makes reggae reggae sauce
"I just punched my biological father unconscious"
Matel's Frank Butcher's car lot insurance fire playset
Kickstarter for getting Noel Edmonds to release his morning breath as a cologne
Observing your girlfriend's infidelity at a subatomic level
Having to do the Iditarod in your pants and vest
Gothic Zippy
"I'm living in a crypt in the Mendips licking creme de menthe off a coffin lid"
Brain Eno, the Energy Drink
^far too many ideas, banned.
Quote from: Gregory Torso on May 14, 2019, 01:03:06 PM
Observing your girlfriend's infidelity at a subatomic level
It's both in
and out until you open the door.
Glans Christian Andersen
Itchy Poo Cark by the Small Faeces
Phil Collins likes chips. No Jacket Potato Required.
Shh, Doreen's having her chlorine.
a rapper made entirely of shit called Lil Nug
Sesame Street but it's on an island now
Quote from: Cuellar on March 26, 2019, 11:12:13 PM
Needs work
yea i dont really know what i was going for here, sorry
Quote from: Chollis on May 14, 2019, 01:47:30 PM
Glans Christian Andersen
YES. perfect post. fits this thread like water in a puddle
Quote from: chveik on May 11, 2019, 01:26:17 PM
wanking-crying emojis
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/QYBneceH3JuM0/giphy.gif)
Film about plane transporting a load of Irish female prisoners who seize the controls and the hero has to subdue them all by performing oral sex on them.
Con Aer Lingus
That recent Sandra Bollocks film where if people look outside they commit suicide except instead of committing suicide they pinch their genitals until it is just starting to hurt but not quite.
Taglines for crematoriums
"You make 'em, we bake 'em!"
"You kill 'em, we grill 'em!
"A third one!"
get bent
stone cold steve asprin
Barry Acorns.
a twat walking around
A potato
Kentish newspapers
Samantha Janus marries Michael J. Fox and changes her name to Samantha J. Anus
the word-of-mouth paella that made its way across an isthmus
Toilet brush on draining rack in HMO
A super hero called the silent H. Don't know what her super powers are though.
something well known in popular culture, e.g. A FILM, but with bumming or chimpanzees or perhaps both of those things.
Star Wars but everyone is in wheelchairs
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on May 19, 2019, 07:39:45 PM
A super hero called the silent H. Don't know what her super powers are though.
she stoves peoples faces in with a hammer.
technically not a super power, but are
you going to explain that to her?
Who fancies an argument then? Go on, try me!
Your dog still looks like the same dog, yet you know it's different.
Quote from: rasta-spouse on May 20, 2019, 07:41:20 AM
Your dog still looks like the same dog, yet you know it's different.
>phillip k dick considers writing for kids<
keeping track of a specific jackdaw
the next generation of chins
the next chineration
60-pence car wash on the Isle of Man, what the fuck is that on the ceiling tho?
Quote from: rasta-spouse on May 20, 2019, 06:43:19 PM
60-pence car wash on the Isle of Man, what the fuck is that on the ceiling tho?
clarkson's spaff.
why is thing from addam's family called thing. do they not know what it is. the word is 'hand'.
Yes, also 'Cousin It' should be 'Cousin Hairy'.
June Shartpong
That's it. No expansion on the concept or attempt to use it in anything else. That's all I got.
an episode of Roseanne by any other name
@TheDabForecast
Just tweets out poorly photoshopped images of celebrities dabbing, with a rating (and meteorological description) underneath.
Prince Charles "light drizzle, 4/10"
Etc etc
Farrage fromage
The Historic Building - a project for an area where there are no historic buildings for the local kids to experience.
Organise a fundraiser to go down the builders' merchants to buy breeze blocks and prefabricated roofing panels for the Historic Building. Erect Historic Building. Local populace can now experience an authentic Historic Building. Sit back and await the plaudits.
Yoga. Saying hello to Ga.
Appliance Wars: Clash of the Kitchenware.
Tonight - kettle vs toasted sandwich maker.
Two appliances will enter. Only one will leave.
Cloud Paxman - a transition where an image of Paxman's face is fading out over an image of a cirrus cluster fading in
paxman plays pacman.
tries to beat sue lawley's high score. ninety-minute episodes, weeknights, in place of 'newsnight'.
he makes all the noises with his own mouth. his face is painted yellow.
[edit- oh for fuck's sake....]
https://www.dailysquat.com/jeremy-paxman-pacman/
Woody Guthrie Farsi google auto-translate
We put the 'admin' into 'badminton'.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on May 20, 2019, 09:22:46 PM
@TheDabForecast
I need to cash in on the dab stuff.
Pinter's the dab waiter, tense restaurant where waiter comes holding the plates in a "dab" position - maybe the sommelier could do something like this also related to drill music?
(https://i.imgur.com/Lnd2qhE.png)
grass hoppits
bee keepits
hammer-it sharks
Adrian Chiles the board game
Danny Dyer's Fanny Dryer
Quote from: Tactile Uncle on May 21, 2019, 07:49:27 PM
Danny Dyer's Fanny Dryer
Like a Dyson sponsorship arrangement?
Quote from: Gregory Torso on May 21, 2019, 06:52:12 PM
Adrian Chiles the board game
Darling, that's not all you got, that's a
pitch.
Government's Pies - the legend written on the side of a secret surveillance van disguised as a bakery delivery van.
Grismont Pissforks, an imprint of Harper Collins.
Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion.
Quote from: poodlefaker on May 22, 2019, 12:07:01 PM
Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion.
we're done. close the thread.
Quote from: Gregory Torso on May 21, 2019, 06:50:19 PM
grass hoppits
bee keepits
hammer-it sharks
Love this. Makes them sound like things you would get at a hardware store
Quote from: Clatty McCutcheon on May 22, 2019, 12:56:35 AMGovernment's Pies - the legend written on the side of a secret surveillance van disguised as a bakery delivery van.
That is top. Can see that in an espionage-themed plot in Whizzer and Chips or what-have-you.
I also think that Government Pie should be a variety of pork pie.
John Terry & June
Would start the thread but I've never seen an episode of Terry & June so wouldn't know what to do
Noel Fielding and Paul Hollywood make millions selling their own delicious bell cheese frosting
Dr. Jekyll, instead of consuming the usual potion, accidentally drinks from a beaker labelled "empathy"
THOUGHTS OF NODDING OFF: This is a note file saved in my phone from 2013 when I would sometimes fall asleep for a couple minutes and have these weird micro-dreams. I feel like some of them are appropriate for this thread:
Two lobsters taste different to one another. After tasting the second, the cook says to the taster, "I have to confess to you, that one would taste the same as the first if it were cooked."
If you go to sleep now you will be the first of the gang to die and then you will be raped.
"Barack Obama is using the White House phone. He's not trying to get rid of teeth, he's trying to FIND teeth."
"MR BURNS KILLS SNOOPY"
A top hat is attached at opposite ends of the brim to the inside of a steel ring. The hat is spinning one way as the ring spins the other way.
"Blue Steel Amnesty Boy Hair Gel"
Trying to help a wounded pigeon in the street and a man runs up and kicks it to death.
Quote from: alan nagsworth on May 22, 2019, 08:01:23 PM
A top hat is attached at opposite ends of the brim to the inside of a steel ring. The hat is spinning one way as the ring spins the other way.
I like this image/fragment a lot.
Cash Flow. Space Invaders but it's shooting kidney stones out of Pat Cash's urethra.
How about a load of children playing violins that call themselves The Kiddie Fiddlers?
Quote from: non capisco on May 22, 2019, 11:08:42 PM
How about a load of children playing violins that call themselves The Kiddie Fiddlers?
This is excellent
very good indeed
Talking on a bus to a man about Roland Rat On the Road. Turn around and the man now has a moustache. Wha?
Quote from: rasta-spouse on May 23, 2019, 09:10:22 AM
Talking on a bus to a man about Roland Rat On the Road. Turn around and the man now has a moustache. Wha?
Could be a trilogy/franchise or Expanded Universe with the right director.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on May 23, 2019, 10:43:36 AM
Could be a trilogy/franchise or Expanded Universe with the right director.
I might float it past the chaps who do the Underworld series and see if their monocles pop out. But (and here's where I put the work in) if I place little cushions in front of them beforehand, the monocles will land softly rather than getting chipped on the table.
And they'd be like "dude,
how did you know?".
Quote from: non capisco on May 22, 2019, 11:08:42 PM
How about a load of children playing violins that call themselves The Kiddie Fiddlers?
Reminds me that I once rewrote the vast majority of Justin Timberlake's "Like I Love You" To make it sound like yer man was a paedo grooming his mate's son. That's for a another thread though.
How about a Star Wars film where Han Solo lands on Chewbacca's home planet, Wookieland or whatever, and as soon as they get out of the Millennium Falcon he sees a load of Wookies walking around fully clothed and speaking English and he realises he's been hanging out all these years with a naked idiot?
Quote from: non capisco on May 23, 2019, 11:28:30 PM
How about a Star Wars film where Han Solo lands on Chewbacca's home planet, Wookieland or whatever, and as soon as they get out of the Millennium Falcon he sees a load of Wookies walking around fully clothed and speaking English and he realises he's been hanging out all these years with a naked idiot?
This idea is excellent, let's set it during space-Christmas and have Jefferson Starship play their latest single!
A manufacturer of garden irrigation systems doing an advert using Ludacris' Area Codes.
They all laughed at Christopher Columbus, when he said a turd was brown.
A show where a man's neighbours form a protest group when he plans to build a new conservatory on the side of his property. They call themselves the Extension Rebellion.
Every post on this page is far too good for this thread.
Cartoon about a family of testicles where the catchphrase is 'Ooh, you're a bit testy!'
[That's pretty bad, no?]
Quote from: pancreas on May 25, 2019, 11:30:11 AM
Cartoon about a family of testicles where the catchphrase is 'Ooh, you're a bit testy!'
[That's pretty bad, no?]
yes. it's complete bollocks
A teddy bear cartoon, but it's magic and sings songs and that
Chris Isaak's Wicked Game played on some very loud speakers
People pinning up posters of missing cartons of milk on school notice boards.
Ready, Steady, Gape
90's morning BBC fodder. Two teams. Bag of random stuff. Contest is to see who can utilise the items in the best way. Fern Britton and Ainsley Harriott host.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on May 25, 2019, 01:16:16 PM
People pinning up posters of missing cartons of milk on school notice boards.
Pictures of Thatcher as potential culprit.
Sorry i've ruined your semi idea.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on May 25, 2019, 12:57:52 PM
Chris Isaak's Wicked Game played on some very loud speakers
Made me laugh
Parsley: Live at the O2
Clickbait Cliff
Time Trumpet style footage splicing. The HIGNFY writers' room but instead of a table they're sitting around Kim Jong Il's bulletproof glass casket passing notes.
But -look closely- it's not Kim Jong Il in the coffin, it's Richard Ingrams.
a reggae song like 'you got to legalise it' but it's about like murder or shaggin kids or somethin
cheese on toast machine
Quote from: pancreas on May 30, 2019, 04:37:41 PM
cheese on toast machine
these are available already, although the current model only works with Brie. But you like Brie, don't you?
A Nando
A reality TV show where they get people (it's blokes though really, isn't it) who are always criticising people like football managers and transport managers and reckon they could easily do a better job, and they get them to do it for a bit and they're shit at it. Called "Go On Then, You Fat Mouthy Cunt"
unscrambling an egg... live on television. implements are allowed. cash prizes to be won
A Jutes Journay-nay. The Jutes are an Iron Age tribe who settled in Britain and the Nay Nay is a hip hop dance move
CCTV cameras spying on people getting bored until they start wanking. Paddy Power the official bookmaker.
A new sort of pillow but it's either a bit softer or less soft than current pillows.
what about pillows made out of sheep on ketamine
Quote from: pancreas on June 03, 2019, 04:09:14 PM
what about pillows made out of sheep on ketamine
Let's pitch it to the Dragons and see what they say
Couples Handbags.
The same as her normal handbag but bigger so it'll fit my sunglasses and shit in it - she still carries it though.
Lord of the Onion Rings
The Boy With Michael Dorn On His Side, in case Willie Thorne isn't interested
Celebrities relive those times when they found some spare change they didn't realise they had. Includes detailed reconstuctions with an appropriately emotionaly charged soundtrack.
"Pictures of Willy"
Pete Townsend takes us on a nostalgic trip down Random-Access-Memory lane with a sixteen part series exploring his downloaded image archive.
After staring at a photograph of a Tibetan sherpa from the 1900s titled Himanshu for too long you are haunted by, not only the spirits of all the shellfish and flightless birds you have destroyed throughout your life, but also a metaphysical dog that may or may not be leaving scratchmarks on the rabbit hutch
^ this is great
McGonads. That's literally all I got.
Cocktail bar for millenials where the ingredients are all anti-depressants.
Dog turd no
Dog turd who
Is there a dog turd in the house
Dog turd, dog turd, gimme the poos, I got a bad case of loving poo.
Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is
Game show where the main event is seeing how many coins you can fit in your mouth.
Host tbc
Quote from: alan nagsworth on June 12, 2019, 11:56:13 AM
Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is
Game show where the main event is seeing how many coins you can fit in your mouth.
Put Your Money Where My Mouth Is - winner is the contestant that fills Adrian Chiles with the most cash in a time of their choosing.
Put Your Mouth Where My Money Is - winner is the first contestant to correctly guess where Noel has hidden the money and gets their mouth in there.
"Ohhh sorry, Julie! I'm afraid that for the 234th consecutive week, the money is in my anus!" chuckled Noel mischievously
Put Your Mouth Where Your Mouth Is
Really easy, almost no effort required. Everyone wins. Stupid game really
Put Your Money Where My Mouth Was - hilarious gameshow where contestants try to find the mouth on a severely burned, genetically disfigured or war-bombed face and fill it with money before the timer's up!
Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is - contestants are trussed and forced to eat their own copies of Martin Amis's 'Money' against the clock.
Put Your Money Where Sidmouth Is - contestants are blindfolded and forced to place their own copies of Martin Amis's Money onto maps of Britain. The closest to Sidmouth wins. Hosted by an America so they pronounce Sidmouth like Sid-MOUTH, so the title sounds like popular expression 'Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is'
Quote from: Cuellar on June 12, 2019, 04:56:51 PM
Put Your Money Where Sidmouth Is - contestants are blindfolded and forced to place their own copies of Martin Amis's Money onto maps of Britain. The closest to Sidmouth wins. Hosted by an America so they pronounce Sidmouth like Sid-MOUTH, so the title sounds like popular expression 'Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is'
Park Your Mondeo Where Sidmouth Is
Like the above except the contestants are Ford Mondeo owners and they have to drive to Sidmouth. First one there wins.
Haven't yet decided if they'll be allowed to use maps or whether their canny Mondeo driving skills will be expected to propel their sense of direction. At the end they all compare mileage and gas use and tire tread wear and stuff like that.
So it's a bit like Top Gear but aimed solely at people who love Ford Mondeos - or "Mondemons" as they're affectionately known.
"Wormhole Gummidge"
Teatime time-travel larks with the famous scarecrow as he freaks out children from the Stone Age to the space age.
All Faeces Great And Small
"She'll Be Coming 'Round The Mountain When She Comes"
A female wanking competition based in the Himalayas.
Out of sight, behind some of the largest metamorphic rock structures on the planet, 15 females go-to-town on themselves.
The winner being crowned once the first to 'finish off' has clambered from their lair and, with a sticky fingered wave, revealed themselves to a TV crew below them at base camp.
Gape Well For Less
Gregg Wallace and the other geezer evaluate ways you can gape at lower cost, with a secondary benefit of it being more healthy.
The small faeces
Quote from: Lordofthefiles on June 12, 2019, 08:16:29 PM
Some of the largest metamorphic rock structures on the planet
Your mum, you mean
Quote from: seepage on June 12, 2019, 09:12:09 PM
Your mum, you mean
Well, yes... but I wasn't going to reveal that until funding was secured.
War and Faeces.
Give Faeces a Chance
'Faeces of Eight! Faeces of Eight!'
Gapex Corporation
Basically its Skynet/Google
BLINDED BY THE SHITE
THAT GOT FLICKED UP BY A STRUMMER
ON MY FIRST DAY ON SITE
A grindcore band from Bristol called Spiralizer
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on June 22, 2019, 10:42:59 PM
BLINDED BY THE SHITE
THAT GOT FLICKED UP BY A STRUMMER
ON MY FIRST DAY ON SITE
Fuck that was supposed to say STRIMMER
SHITE
Beer but it's got raisins in it
Nonce-nandos
Burger-kindling
Fash wave remixes of berjerac
A boat but it is painted red
A sandwich shop where you have to perform a sexual act if you want to choose which type of filling you get.
Scotland's hardest pubs with Professor Yaffle.
New delinquent trend for youths - "Snooze Cruisin'"
They just have a sleep in places where society says they should. On buses, on a sofa, next to a rug etc
Larry the Lexiteer Lacewing Lies Lightly, could be a book within a book for an alternate history in which the Argentinians win the Falklands War. Other than that it's all I got.
"Coming to America"
A transatlantic boat race in sperm powered nautical vessels.
When MRI scanning goes wrong.
Pacemakers ripped out, dentures flying all over the place etc.
I've got this catchphrase I've been mucking about with for years now. Never quite found the right venture for it, but I'm fairly confident that it can be applied across a number of products. If anyone wants it, please feel free, but credit me if you use it. Here it is:
"Trust me, it always works."
Also got this one for the Amsterdam tourism board:
(Spoken in a Danish accent)
"Amshterdam. Where it'sh alwaysh 4/20."
I had a bad habit of saying 'let'sch do zthish!', then I heard the Dutch logistics director say it for real. So proud.
Alter[c]ation Service
Quote from: pancreas on June 29, 2019, 11:52:58 AM
Alter[c]ation Service
If you knew anything about branding like me or Lord Sugar, you'd call it
Dial-a-Fight
Quote from: alan nagsworth on June 29, 2019, 09:53:54 AM
I've got this catchphrase I've been mucking about with for years now. Never quite found the right venture for it, but I'm fairly confident that it can be applied across a number of products. If anyone wants it, please feel free, but credit me if you use it. Here it is:
"Trust me, it always works."
My catchphrase is "Don't fret, fans, I'm here!"
Porky Drillers Ltd - Erotic Demolition
On the side of a van for some reason
Andy Circus
Loads of Gollum impersonators called Andy under the big top. One night only.
Quote from: non capisco on June 29, 2019, 02:43:25 PM
My catchphrase is "Don't fret, fans, I'm here!"
You sound like you've got the blind moxie it takes to run this company. I'll rub the keys round first thing tomorrow.
edit: uhh i mean run the keys hahah
Quote from: ZoyzaSorris on June 29, 2019, 09:34:21 PM
Porky Drillers Ltd - Erotic Demolition
On the side of a van for some reason
Might marker pen that on a white van one day
London airports:
Glansted
Sheathgrow
Fatdick
Lubedong
London Spitty
Southend
Only fools and horses - the sky's the limit part 2
Uncle Albert pouring over the wreckage, everyone pulling together for the rescue efforts, etc etc.
I wish I had more in me to flesh it out, but i don't.
The Jimi Hendrix Girlfriend Experience
What if instead of brushing your teeth you'd be crushing your teeth
INTERACT WITH A SQUID
Hello squid how are you doing
Squid: flabadabadlabaflaba
Oh that's great squid what's new
Squid: flablablablabl
Wow amazing nice one squiddy mate yeah
Squid: flablabladababablabl
Johnny's Johnnies. Pre-loved condom shop.
Newman & Celery: Live at Wembly*
*protip: to find this amusing you have to realtime re-vis the entire 60m concert vid: Rob doing his bits, then all of Baddiel's bits but instead of him, right, a moist stick of emerald green celery silently standing in the West London air being "laughed" at (and with) by a capacity crowd.
Paracetamolly
A drug woman
NickeD rake
Entwempment
A documentary where they follow the progress of laughter from the moment its harvested to the point where it leaves the canning factory. A local farmer laments the poor state of the crop in recent years due to pesky climate change and green fly.
Being 'cucked' by Megan Rapinoe
"Suggs To Be You"
The Madness frontman stars in a behind-the-scenes documentary following production meetings, rehearsals, and the lead up to a TV show, where he will play you (yes, You) in a 'Synecdoche, New York' style mind-destroying conceptual piece that starts broadcasting, in perpetuity, early next year.
"Suggs Life"
The inverse of the previous show, to run concurrently, where you play the part of Suggs in "Suggs To Be You" until the universe implodes.
Martin Scouses- from Liverpool, not sure if he makes films or whatever
Instead of "jumping the shark" you have "hanging the child", being the point where you stop attending public executions, because it's really gotten a bit much.
Winner Takes Paul.
Going To Tampa With The Kids
Ill-advised Florida-based family sitcom.
Bill Fences, the sad older brother of Bill Gates
Where's the thread about things that sound like they should be in clowne but aren't? Because I've found one:
Glenelg High School (https://ghs.hcpss.org/)
The Brexit Suicides
It's just a title, could be a musical or something
Get in Gravesend
Heartwarming array of diverse teams race across the country to be the first to bury themselves alive within the city limits of a north west Kent commuter town.
Dog egg & spoon race
Ted Buddy. The nice murderer. Your pal who kills.
"Steamy Widows"
Exactly the same format as Loose Women but set in a sauna.
A seemingly endless array of perma-tanned harridans tell tales of "what-a-set-of-bastads-men-are" while they wonder, blankeyed, as to the reasons for ALL of their husbands' suicides.
Theme tune: Saxaphone version of Tina Turner's hit song of a similar name.
Reality show: put Russ Abbot in charge of a mental hospital.
(name to be determined).
Quote from: Lordofthefiles on July 11, 2019, 04:59:23 PM
"Steamy Widows"
Exactly the same format as Loose Women but set in a sauna.
A seemingly endless array of perma-tanned harridans tell tales of "what-a-set-of-bastads-men-are" while they wonder, blankeyed, as to the reasons for ALL of their husbands' suicides.
Theme tune: Saxaphone version of Tina Turner's hit song of a similar name.
but sung by stevie winwood.
A cum ladle
Quote from: pancreas on July 12, 2019, 12:32:10 PM
Normal sized, or what?
Yes, it is a regular-sized ladle but it is used for cum
Automatic Anus
Piddle machine
TV show: Premises, Promises.
Probably about property.
Or maybe two Greek mythological heroes who are titular. Sure, I guess they could fight crime. That wouldn't be a problem.
CaB posts, but read by William Shatner doing one of his overly earnest and emphatic spoken word things. What's great is, not only do you get to have that, but you also do all the work. I mean, because it's conceptual.
Using a fox tail for those hard to reach cobwebbed places.
Instead of tins of beans, what about beans of tins?
The gift returns reality television show where you watch people trying to return unwanted gifts
Susan got a coat that she says was too big but really it fits fine she just thinks it's ugly and her mother has no taste in fashion
Billy's dad got the wrong Pokémon figurine
Ellen would like to swap the DVD of The Virgin Suicides for a Blu-ray copy with director's commentary
Gary and the Argonauts
'Are you there, God? It's me, Cunt.'
Henmania. Tim does some things with chickens one week and eggs the next.
"Oi mate - you lookin' at my turd?"
Busy busy busy, haha
Honey, I buttered my lungs.
A Star Is Korn
Stem cells: juvenile flowers behind bars.
Clingy film (emotionally)
Scissors, but specifically for hair.
"Goody-Goody-Cumdrops"
Surprisingly bitter fare from the Haribo aisle in Morrisons.
frotting attachments for electric toothbrushes.
[NPC]
An electric toothbrush IS a frotting attachment
If you like creamy lasagne
And godly portions of chips
Don't get your food from a van, yah
Unless you like sloppy shits
Korn In The USA - Live in '99
Honey, I buttered the postman.
furniture that is in places it might not ideally be
Honey, I reupholstered the sofa.
Canal-boating with Craig David
Honey, I dissected the children's guinea pigs.
A poem/song about Barack Obama
Barack Obama
He like your mama
He take your mama
To the drama
Honey, I....
I'm sorry
Honey, I Colony Collapse Disordered the Bees
Honey, I raped a bee hive
Pipe balm; you flush it behind a particularly difficult curry poo. Ahhh
LIMP OR NOT
you are given things and you have to rate them as "limp or not"
Quote from: zomgmouse on July 18, 2019, 02:48:59 PM
LIMP OR NOT
you are given things and you have to rate them as "limp or not"
Item 1: a biscuit.
Quote from: Gregory Torso on July 18, 2019, 02:57:07 PM
Item 1: a biscuit.
NOT
caveat: unless dunked in liquid
Fuck it I'm making the thread
A four piece called 'Legend and the Garys'.
The wizard of goatsea
Anal Sextet: especially pedantic jazz ensemble
Anal SexTet Offensive: Vietnam war re-enactment society where shooting is replaced with bumming
Stephen King's Morrissey
Busey in the Sky with Diamonds
(https://proxy.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fimages.bwwstatic.com%2Fupload11%2F1475100%2Ftn-500_wm310203110162101.jpg&f=1)
Optical Delusions: A group of top scientists led by a Richard Dawkins lookalike try to convince people that there's nothing funny going on in a series of ordinary photographs.
Bananas in places they shouldn't be
1. A drainpipe
Television Savalas
Sometimes Film Savalas
Never Radio Savalas
It's Iranian men, Allahu Akbar it's Iranian men, Inshallah
Ayatollah ya face
ba-dum... ba-dum... balab.bala.... yeah?
MAINS ADAPTOR, Q.C.
ITV1 at 9pm
Lemongrass
Limegrass
Orangegrass
Kiwigrass
Applegrass
Yes it's naming your grass after different kinds of fruit time, starting with citrus
That pub landlord bloke and Barry from Eastenders host a pub quiz on Quest.
Busey's Price Is Right
steak acclaim
Medical flavoured biscuits
Fatima Shitbread
I've gone loopy for belt loops!
Realpolitik vs. Totaalvoetbal
Condoms that disintegrate when you throw them onto soil
Quote from: dr_christian_troy on July 31, 2019, 04:19:38 PM
Condoms that disintegrate when you throw them onto soil
Or explode?
Bombdoms?
Quote from: pancreas on July 31, 2019, 04:28:55 PM
Or explode?
Bombdoms?
I saw a used condom left on the side of a window at a train station and I thought "it would be great if they dissolved when separated from body parts post-coitus, or if when thrown onto a surface they just dissolved so I wouldn't have to be reminded of how lonely I am while someone is having a fuck at a train station."
Or if you blow one up like a balloon and it explodes it might be a poppadom
Quote from: zomgmouse on August 01, 2019, 01:03:24 AM
Or if you blow one up like a balloon and it explodes it might be a poppadom
Don't tell the Vatican though.
POPPADOM PREACH
Goatye
That singer Gotye but his arsehole is stretched and gaping six inches wide at all times - music videos, live shows, day to day life, the lot
Hover beards.
Had a dream last night about two hip hop artists called THUNDERING DAFFY and CASH MUMMY.
Blahblahaika, a balalaika that spouts gibberish when you pluck the strings
Quote from: Gregory Torso on August 04, 2019, 03:47:28 PM
Hover beards.
Could be 2 series and a Christmas special if we get the right studios involved
Ladanarama. Shop owned by the Lad Bible.
Beth heads. People addicted to Beth
Urban Auschwitters
Notes for incomplete jokes I've found on my phone:
Welsh rarebit - Bugs Bunny (accent)
Stab Stab Chicken (certain parts of London)
Tic-tac in urethra - being thoughtful for blowjob outcome
Retrosexual (I remember having sex once)
Bungalow Cheese
Beer Grylls (fermented piss, emaciated while pumped dry on a boat)
Diabetic sugar daddy
Quornhub (porn site for vegetarians)
Ska-themed restuarant (would you like to see The Specials?)
Squatting over a mirror to see what your own farts like
Being single long enough to be grateful for the company an STD can bring
Kinky Greek cheese lover (fetashist)
Narcissistic meme culture (it's all meme meme meme meme meme)
Bertie Basset racist (takes all sorts)
Donald Dick.
Van Morrison's Morrison's van (formerly known as Van Morrison's Safeway van).
Enron Hubbard
Elrond Hubbard
Error Hubbard
Alan Discharge
Elrond Husband
Rubber butter
Really long socks
ending an otherwise positive job interview by telling them you're self-saucing
An antiques programme hosted by Belinda Carlisle called 'Ooh, Baby, Do You Know What That's Worth?'
top one
The name's Bong; James Bong.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 14, 2019, 08:43:42 AM
The name's Bong; James Bong.
Can you imagine!! He'd be doing spying, but the Monster would shine the laser at his balls but he'd just laugh! Or get the munchies! I'll have a vodka martini and a pack of Revels!! Or he'd be shagging one of them birds he has and be like "we should watch Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"!
patty mandril - maybe one for glebe or something i dunno
No Income Tax
No VAT
No money back
No guarantee
NO FUTURE
Biscuit sticker won't animate on rollover
Krapp's last Crap
The titular character explores a series of shoe boxes in which he has shat over the years.
Culminating in his final, sparse, dry-as-sticks, excremental effort.
the long drop toilet of the soul
The hip hop chip shop
Simon Vowel cos all you can do when he swings his face towards you is go aaaaaiiiiiieeeeeee.
Something about spunking and spelunking
He ain't heavy, he's Natalie Imbruglia
Now That's What I Call Racial Slurs 23
Comedians, Incas, Getting Coffee
Quote from: Cuellar on August 16, 2019, 06:12:10 PM
Comedians, Incas, Getting Coffee
This really made me laugh.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 16, 2019, 04:23:10 PM
The hip hop chip shop
Been done.
https://www.thehiphopchipshop.com/ (https://www.thehiphopchipshop.com/)
"Our revels now are ended ... leave not a rack behind" except Prospero is talking about sweets and lamb.
Quote from: Cuellar on August 16, 2019, 06:12:10 PM
Comedians, Incas, Getting Coffee
When I watched the Eddie Murphy episode I started to think that Jerry should do one with Cosby: Comedians (Incarcerated) Getting Coffee.
"Remember you're a womble"
Wake up one morning, feeling pretty good about what the day ahead may yield. Walk into the bathroom, look in the mirror, oh fucking hell that's right I'm a womble. Day ruined.
Quote from: touchingcloth on August 17, 2019, 10:30:09 AM
When I watched the Eddie Murphy episode
Comedians in cars gettin dat AIDS on they lips
Meaux Salah
etch-a-sketch thread where you make ASCII drawings
How do you know if a sperm whale has been by when you were out?
He'll leave a note under the whale cum mat
Comedians in Cardiff getting coffee
"Fuckers Luck"
The Grange Hill revival/reimagining continues apace with the latest iteration in the late night alternate universe set series.
"The Penis of Dorian Gray"(18)
It's master, a handsome lad, stays curiously untouched by time, whilst the titular Penis itself becomes wrinkled, distended, slovenly, and white of fur as the years tick by.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 18, 2019, 10:47:57 PM
Comedians in Cardiff getting coffee
Comedians in Caracas getting coffee
comedians in car parks getting coffee
Comedians in cardigans getting coffee
Trebu-chez-moi
Not sure about the hyphenation, but it's a trebuchet on top of my place. The sound might go budoing. Has to be a bit French, otherwise people won't get it. Pay me to live in France with a trebuchet on the roof. Then try and get me out. I will sue you and/or launch you into a distant dune for YouTube views and monetisation.
Ménage-a-trebuchet-trois
As above, but with shagging
Trebu-shit
A catapult for faeces
Trebek-chet
A catapult where you have to provide the ammunition that will eventually hit you.
Pino-trebu-chet
The catapult designed by a Chilean dictator
Trevor-chet
Same as above but designed by Trevor
Trebu-shape
A catapult that can fling projectiles of all geometric forms
Trebu-shake
Insert bananas, ice-cream and chocolate and the catapult flings them out and then they land in a glass as a delicious sweet milky drink
Trebu-chef
Same as above but for meals
Trebu-shave
A catapult projects sharp knives and razors at your face until you have no more hair left on it
Trebu-shame
A catapult projects your greatest guilts and embarrassments at your face until you have no more hair on it
Trebu-Shane
The same as above but designed by Shane
Trebu-shade
A long, flat catapult that protects you from the sun
Treble-chet
A high-pitched musical catapult
Tribble-chet
A catapult made to throw away all the furry creatures that are found multiplying on your spaceship
Trouble-chet
A bad catapult
Travel-chet
A portable catapult
Trap-uchet
A trick catapult that captures its firer
garychet
rhylationships
dating app only for the people of rhyl
Skullfucker Henderson
Gardening and odd jobs, cash in hand.
Daffodildodecahedron
Comedians in coffee getting Carrs.
Jerry Seinfeld sits in coffee with another comedian while Alan Carr soaps them and Jimmy Carr laughs like a seal. All of them are wanking.
Quote from: zomgmouse on August 20, 2019, 12:28:04 AMWhat does he do
You have fundamentally misunderstood the concept of 'That's all I got'
Quote from: touchingcloth on August 20, 2019, 05:25:09 AM
Comedians in coffee getting Carrs.
Jerry Seinfeld sits in coffee with another comedian while Alan Carr soaps them and Jimmy Carr laughs like a seal. All of them are wanking.
I refer you to THIS thread https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,74321.0.html
Oh wait it's different isn't it, sorry
Canadians in cats getting coffee
Comedians in 'Cars' Getting Coffee - same premise but only with actors who were in hit film 'Cars'
Comedians in 'Cars' Getting Coughy - again, actors from 'Cars' sitting in a car that has a hosepipe attached to the exhaust and fed through the window, and then the windows gaffer taped up. They cough and then die. 5 stars.
Quote from: the on August 20, 2019, 10:23:04 AM
You have fundamentally misunderstood the concept of 'That's all I got'
Just trying to workshop
Moon on a dick.
Quote from: the on August 20, 2019, 10:23:04 AM
You have fundamentally misunderstood the concept of 'That's all I got'
But what does he do?
Athenians in Cos getting coffee.
Aristophanes probably wrote a very funny play along those lines. "I like the coffee in Cos, so much better than that Turkish coffee. Have you ever noticed the scum on a Turkish coffee? I guess scummy people like scummy coffee" *silently open-mouth laughs for the camera which hasn't been invented yet*
Cunts in espadrilles fucking
Bohemians in grave getting shat on
Comedians in cars coughing
Comedians in Cars getting coffee poured over them. McDonald's lawsuit temperature
8 out of 10 cars in coffee getting comedian's something something
Comedians in cars getting coffee enemas
Comedians In Cars: Get In Coffin
Comedians Incur Gynaecology
Cum: Idi Amin in car getting blowies
Farting when walking behind a car in traffic when crossing the road
Usain Bolt trips during a race and hurts his leg. He is shot in the head like a horse.
Comedians in cars five minutes after the crash. While in Paris. Going through an underpass.
In a white Fiat Uno.
"Best things you've bought in the last little while that cost less than 5 pound sterling"
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 22, 2019, 12:54:13 AM
"Best things you've bought in the last little while that cost less than 5 pound sterling"
Tub of mango sorbet
Professional Footballer's Jigsaw Hour, where the titular hero is helped to assemble the classic puzzle featuring their own face. 5 seasons of 22 episodes each, after which we'll get a different professional footballer in. Steven Gerrard appeared interested, although it is hard to tell.
Comedians in Corrs Getting Coffee - a Richard Herring vehicle.
Gary Oke. It's where Raoul Mate goes if he wants to sing Angels with the lads.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 22, 2019, 12:54:13 AM
"Best things you've bought in the last little while that cost less than 5 pound sterling"
No, that's good. I'm working on title for next one when it gets to 100p.
Unrelated question, is 2 funnier than II?
Quote from: Dex Sawash on August 23, 2019, 01:34:08 AM
No, that's good. I'm working on title for next one when it gets to 100p.
Unrelated question, is 2 funnier than II?
Ahh fucks sake
I married an Incel!
like it's a movie or something i dunno.
Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere but they actually do have to pay Council Tax
Max And Paddy In A Car Accident Getting Decapitated
Anne of green gusset
Pope Gregary II.
Chameleons in Cars Doing Something That's Rather Hard to Discern
Twelve part vice documentary tracking down the anonymous superstar DJ who did the scratching on Hanson's "Mmmbop"
Quote from: Fishfinger on August 23, 2019, 11:00:24 PM
Chameleons in Cars Doing Something That's Rather Hard to Discern
Chameleons in cars getting noticed
There's an old man in a pub and he's drinking a pint of shit
The Merchant of Penis
Quote from: dr_christian_troy on August 23, 2019, 11:32:02 PM
There's an old man in a pub and he's drinking a pint of shit
Oh? Why's that then?
Havin' a sleep: EXTREME
Train journeys of the unkempt and lonely
Quote from: dr_christian_troy on August 23, 2019, 11:32:02 PM
There's an old man in a pub and he's drinking a pint of shit
Isn't that a line from Theme From an Italian Restaurant?
Danny Gargoyle
(Film director Danny Boyle but it's a gargoyle)
"Butt in Hindsight" - celebs ruminate on what they might've done differently in the past, had they been fitted with a functional eyeball in their anus.
Jam coffee.
I believe I've identified why I find the "Comedians in Cars..." variants so enjoyable: there are no satisfying rhymes for "coffee" - they either rhyme but don't really work as a joke, or don't rhyme but are funny.
It's like we're all prospecting for gold, but are doomed only to find tin, and yet the great piles of tin become greater than the sum of their parts, and find a place as an acceptable gold equivalent.
^ didn't understand a word of that. Anyway, here's:
Columbians in Clown-shoes Gnawing Toffee
Reese's peanut butter cucks
Incels In Cars Getting Coffee And Why Women Are To Blame For Not Being In The Car Sucking Them Off Right Now
Crustaceans doing Cartwheels off a Jetty
Carmelite nuns getting caramel in Cartmel.
Ians with SARS getting coughed on
Quote from: dr_christian_troy on August 23, 2019, 11:32:02 PM
There's an old man in a pub and he's drinking a pint of shit
Laughed
CUNTS WITH CUNTS DRIVING CUNTMOBILES ON BENEFITS
OOH IANS GETTING HIS AIDS MEDICINE ON THE NHS
Kofi Annan getting his cock sucked in a carpark
Corden Bleurgh.. the filmed reactions of people on being told of the man's 'hilarious' new cookery programme.
A sleepover but it's for pets
Fish curry but it's nice and not shit
It would be a tv programme, and you'd have entertainers of some kind who would be receiving hot beverages within the confines of some sort of vehicle.
"Film cliches you want to fuck"
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 24, 2019, 02:09:33 PM
A sleepover but it's for pets
Aw imagine all the good bois with there snoots!!! Omg I would literally raep them all xox
Quote from: Gregory Torso on August 24, 2019, 02:16:35 PM
"Film cliches you want to fuck"
Clams/fishes you want to fuck off.
Clams/fishes you want to fuck.
Spent Cartridges. Harrowing tales of peoples experiences with ink jet printers.
Comedians' ink cartridges printing copies.
Flannel trousers
the very horny caterpillar
File your Boots.
It might be what a pharmacy manager says if an employee asks if they can do something.
"Can I take some of these past use by date meal deal sandwiches and crisps home if I leave the drinks behind?"
"File your Boots, scamp."
Bilby Baggins
(The famous Tolkien protagonist reimagined as an Australian marsupial)
Tunkey Menace
Pucking ink, risen
Jim Davidson's Sinderella, but run to the same rules as the ITV Telethon. at gunpoint if necessary
Sexy's Midnight Runners and their number one hit, yes wait for it wait for it, 'Cum On Eileen'.
Due to a clerical error, the debate between Richard Dawkins and David Bowie's widow has been cancelled.
Harangue a meringue
Ardal O'Hanlon walks into places confused, then walks back out
The thin film of phlegm on Paul Ross' glans
A thread where you can only post "L"
Hanukkah Matata.
Quote from: zomgmouse on August 27, 2019, 05:01:36 AM
A thread where you can only post "L"
R r r.
The loneliness of the long-distance cummer
Shitting on the dock of the bay, watching the turds come rolling in
*Fart noises instead of whistling*
Owner of street cafe to an employee: "I thought I told you to wait outside?!"
"Does this liver taste organic to you?"
"Those ladders folded up over there? Those aren't my real ladders, those are my prop ladders."
Vas The Deferens?
N.B. must be presented by German/Dutch or similar forrin.
Porcupine Knee.
Vonnegut playing Three Blind Mice on the saxophone and Paxman, slightly warped, coming out of the spout of it ensconced in an oily rainbow-reflecting bubble
Favourite eggs
Quote from: zomgmouse on August 29, 2019, 01:20:11 AM
Favourite eggs
Chocolate
Fabergé
...
...
...
Every other kind
kurt vonnegut resurrected by god to tell the truth about nine eleven but the entire time as a trade off he has to be doing a comedy shagging motion
fired from the film the mask for suggesting the man character be renamed as lad who clearly shops at the halfway bin
Büsker Dü
The hits of Hüsker Dü played in a slapdash manner by a man in thrall to the joys of Spice with a dog on a string that looks so riddled with parasites and fleas it could lie on its back and still crawl away.
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on August 28, 2019, 08:11:29 PM
Vas The Deferens?
N.B. must be presented by German/Dutch or similar forrin.
the show will be introduced by Vas Blackwood, who will then defer and hand over to said continental person
Hüsker Döö
The famous three-piece put down their instruments and take up sleuthing in a tricked out VW van with a dog on a string that looks so riddled with parasites and fleas it could lie on its back and still crawl away.
Müsker Dön't
A dog on a string, that looks so riddled with parasites and fleas it could lie on its back and still crawl away, stands on The Severn Bridge contemplating it's life to this point - from his days playing the part of Dogtanian on a hit tv show, to the mess he is today, all thanks to that busker and his bloody Spice.
Bob Mould. An ice cube tray or sutin
a Tom Waits hologram for schools
There's a shed full of spanners in the Outer Hebrides and NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT
Blessphemy. Holy sins.
Gareth "Gaz Top" Jones on Other Drugs
with hilarious consequences
Coffin Dodgers: contestants literally have to avoid being hit by coffins that are thrown at them,
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on August 29, 2019, 03:50:22 PM
Coffin Dodgers: contestants literally have to avoid being hit by coffins that are thrown at them,
Coughing Todgers: erm, something about nobs with cigarettes stuck in their "mouths".
Cadavers in cars getting coffins.
The Boy With Willie Thorne In A Car Getting Coffee
Lembit Mines
Like limpet mines but with famous politician Lembit Öpik
Sloe Clap, pretty much like regular gonnorhea but the discharge is quite cloying
SLOE GIN, TAKE IT EASY
Dick chainy
Quote from: rasta-spouse on August 29, 2019, 01:29:44 PMa Tom Waits hologram for schools
Imagine if your cash-strapped school ordered one of these, and it turns up and gets installed, and it's a John Waite (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9e157Ner90) hologram
Quote from: non capisco on August 25, 2019, 10:21:13 PM
Sexy's Midnight Runners and their number one hit, yes wait for it wait for it, 'Cum On Eileen'.
Actually not good enough for this thread.
Well done, in a way
Mission limpossible :
One of those channel four science scoffs at blokes that can't get hard
Quote from: the on August 30, 2019, 02:34:40 PM
Imagine if your cash-strapped school ordered one of these, and it turns up and gets installed, and it's a John Waite (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9e157Ner90) hologram
Imagine if your school deliberately order a John Waite hologram, but it arrives and it turns out to be a Terry Waite one.
"You'll have someone's Jap's eye out with that".
"Don't Waite Up" - sitcom with Nigel Havers as Terry Waite and Tony Britton as a hallucinatory Tom Waits. Five fucking stars, Radio Times.
Randall and Hopkirk (Paedo).
The Prorogues (featuring Kirsty Macoll)
Spunk Rock
Spunknik.
First sex rocket in space.
Lemsip Opik
Piss Flaps
On a tent.
Literally flaps to piss out of instead of unzipping the two front doors and staggering out into the dark mysterious night for a slash.
Quote from: Lordofthefiles on September 02, 2019, 05:09:25 PM
Piss Flaps
On a tent.
Literally flaps to piss out of instead of unzipping the two front doors and staggering out into the dark mysterious night for a slash.
more comfortable then being on the outside pissin in
The bath of the righteous man.
Fanta Stick (fantastic) - orange lollies made from Fanta
a hemp tapestry of the last days of Raul Moat on display at an Inuit wedding
Armitage Shanks
Poet laureate's new collection 'aimed at street gangs'
Hung Parliament
Political sex comedy
Second one must have been done before
lars verne troyer
a list of words that can't be spelled the same backwards as they can forwards
dirigible
extradition
gemini
literature
bobby
element
near
Celtic
Quote from: zomgmouse on September 03, 2019, 05:49:32 AM
a list of words that can't be spelled the same backwards as they can forwards
dirigible
extradition
gemini
literature
bobby
element
near
Celtic
This is actually a really good idea. Sometimes I'll need a list of words which
can be spelled the same both ways (e.g. to impress a lady) but they're really hard to think of. Having a list like that would make it much easier because it just becomes a simple process of elimination.
I'd also like to see a list of all the numbers which aren't prime, because I sometimes have a need of the ones which are (e.g. foreplay). If there was a list which just went "4, 6, 8, 9, 11" then you could just go "oh, the primes are 1, 2, 3, 5, 7 and 10". I think the primes only go up to 75 or so, so it wouldn't take a skilled mathematician more than a couple of weeks to list them all.
Happy to provide more such as all the words in this sentence and the next one. You're welcome!
Project management musical
Les Deliverables
you have made a fuckin fool ahhrer me in front of some very very importnt people on fuckin TRANSFER DAY and i want you to know that this misgiing has no equal in sin nortorment, thats right lad you sit there wondering what lies in store for your future lad, ill tell you, get that fuking new kit off and anticipate anal sex thelikes of which have never been fucking conjured in the minds of hells own fucking godless horn blowing golfer of the apocalypse, im going to remove your humanity nd turn you into a suasage factory sunshine and the one flavour is my big fat fucing cock
- kevin keegan
A busman's holiday
A policeman's home invasion
A prison officer's kidnapping
A squaddie's shooting spree
A proctologist's pegging
A butcher's Hustler
A gynecologist's Hustler
Better Get a Letter!
Like Countdown, but more slapstick.
"Born in the year 2000 eh? It's weird to think that in 2150 she'll be 150 years old."
All Things Must Piss
An 8564 part series showing every creature on God's good earth letting go a sensational and relaxing stream of urine.
Politics Dead.
It's like Politics Live, except... actually, it's the same thing as Politics Live.
AIDS
Bitch, skis. A rough collie takes to the slopes.
Bitch, skis. Katie Hopkins takes to the slopes.
Quote from: dr_christian_troy on September 04, 2019, 05:38:02 PM
"Born in the year 2000 eh? It's weird to think that in 2150 she'll be 150 years old."
Oh no that's too plausible please help
Bicester Ficester
Coypoo. Large aquatic rodent / turd creature. Also known as a 'floater'.
Quote from: grassbath on September 03, 2019, 10:22:55 PM
Project management musical
Les Deliverables
starring gantt chart as the prince.
Sui-side holiday
Quote from: the on September 05, 2019, 02:14:39 AM
Politics Dead.
It's like Politics Live, except... actually, it's the same thing as Politics Live.
basically its Yes Prime Minister but set today. Still starring Paul Eddington
iTunnocks
Chocolate marshmallow music management teacake, I don't fucking know
Mad Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere
Nuts in May, but it's March.
Rory's 'kin Ear.
It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere
Max Mosley and Paddy McGuinness' Road to Nowhere
#poultryarchy something about hen parties
Quote from: pancreas on September 05, 2019, 01:58:23 PM
Coypoo. Large aquatic rodent / turd creature. Also known as a 'floater'.
The closest living relative of the crappybara.
Glando's
Like Nando's but it's substandard sexual organs in a variety of sauces... like Nando's.
Challenge Hannukah.
Matter of Fact Flight of The Conchords but they're Concorde pilots and are also made of Concordes.
The Tale Of Jeremy Fissure
The Rise and Fall of Greginald Cackman
Spraying bollocks up my bollocks.
Queer and rimstone.
A 14th Century Swedish woodcut of a Hanseatic League ship
(https://news.files.bbci.co.uk/include/extra/shorthand/assets/news/A2MFANtn3Z/assets/7VcewxVFly/swedish-ship-900x918.jpeg)
Air for cash
What a disgrace
Pubic hair on gash
Beard on face
Taxes for all
Shave it all off
Savings made
Air for gash
What a disgrace
Saving grace
Shaving face
Life savings no trace
Her name was Ebola
She was a showgirl...
Alternative names for lumbago
Shovelling possible fossils into an ossuary.
"Ordering James Corden into a canyon", a new Netflix series.
Lost Voice Guy prequel, a new Netflix series
Pennywise the Wanking Clown
Finally doing paedo haikus
the good, the bad & the nonce
Not even flinging it at the curtains no more.
Neil Degrassi Junior Highson
look at that fellr next door but one from terrys on one hand posh van glasses, tools but on the other - whos suckin that cock you know? me? you? im fuckin not! I dont know about you, hey maybe fuckin uhhh sue is out suckin his ass while the god damned fuckin idiot fuckin cooker vandal is pouring reproductive fluid into - hey im not finished you let go of me thi is my pr-I know I rent, but I live here
Home is where the fart is
Eastenders
GET OUTTA MY WIIIIIFFFFFEEEE
Embarassing Bodie: a drunk Lewis Collins impersonator gets his knob out and sings Saturday Night by Whigfield in a Wetherspoons while shadowing a South African diamond smuggler. (pilot episode)
Cummings and Goings
Split screen action following the exploits of a sex-trafficked Lithuanian girl and her clients, broadcast from a dingy flat in soho, featuring two hidden cameras, one above the headboard in the bedroom and one above the cistern in the bog. Narrated by David Attenborough.
Your dad, but he's made of Meccano.
Instead of umpires you have vampires at cricket matches.
Square leg vampire. Third vampire, just rock and roll that for me please...OK, thanks, clear edge there, vampire Dharmasena you can reverse your decision.
Comedians, Incels Getting Creepy
INT. BMW
Elliot Roger: (deep voice) I don't know why (cool pause)...you women don't like me. (flicks shades down to the tip of nose and looks into GoPro)
Seinfeld: (slaps thigh) That. is. hilarious.
Fuckin'...
The lot, innit?
(Gestures at world; self)
(Looks into camera briefly, re-slumps shoulders in familiar pose, trudges off to find a baguette, is unsuccessul as this is all in Cheltenham)
New Legend Gary style character called Coventry Carol. She's a woman who lives in Coventry and one week she sacrifices live dogs in the hollowed out cathedral as a gift to the vodka gods, the next I dunno it's very WIP
Legend Gary but he's in his 40s and its a desolate Viz strip where he's just trying to pretend its how it was when he was about 23
Quote from: petrilTanaka on September 14, 2019, 10:46:02 PM
Legend Gary but he's in his 40s and its a desolate Viz strip where he's just trying to pretend its how it was when he was about 23
Far too good for this thread (or
Viz).
Clean as a Whistles. New TV show in which clothes shop compete to see if they are as clean, or indeed cleaner, than the nearest branch of Whistles. Winner receives a year's supply of strong bleach.
Quote from: petrilTanaka on September 14, 2019, 10:46:02 PM
Legend Gary but he's in his 40s and its a desolate Viz strip where he's just trying to pretend its how it was when he was about 23
Showing results forT2: Trainspotting 2
Fuck my dog, please!
"A Brush with Death"
You've Been Framed type show where Basil Brush presents a graphic, and sometimes obscene, series of clips culled from Live Leak, the Faces of Death videos and terrorist training propaganda.
"Boom, BOOM"
Quote from: Lordofthefiles on September 16, 2019, 02:33:14 PM
"A Brush with Death"
You've Been Framed type show where Basil Brush presents a graphic, and sometimes obscene, series of clips culled from Live Leak, the Faces of Death videos and terrorist training propaganda.
"Boom, BOOM"
"some funny, some tragic", says the blurb, hoping to telly on edginess and a vaguely known reference
Star Wars - Mos Eisley but instead its Boss Eyesley and everyone has wonky eyes
Quote from: Chollis on September 16, 2019, 11:07:57 PM
Star Wars - Mos Eisley but instead its Boss Eyesley and everyone has wonky eyes
Jabba the Butt
Quote from: Cuellar on September 13, 2019, 08:00:16 PM
Instead of umpires you have vampires at cricket matches.
Square leg vampire. Third vampire, just rock and roll that for me please...OK, thanks, clear edge there, vampire Dharmasena you can reverse your decision.
white ball, right?
Ronalpedo.
"Banged up a Broad"
A series of talking heads style interviews with men who had elicit affairs that ended in unplanned pregnancies with feisty women from the 1930's.
"Banged upon the Broads"
Camera crew following doggers in Norfolk.
The guy guillotines off your head, but he keeps calling it a "goblinotine" throughout the process. So unfortunately you have been found guilty and sentenced to death by the goblinotine, and if you please walk this way I will take you to the goblinotine, one moment people please I am winding the goblinotine the goblinotine will trim off your head now goodbye.
And then he guillotines his fucking head off.
Craig David themed dating show.
Date themed Craig David show.
Bum Selecta.
It's either a show like Secret Millionaire with Craig David, or a show like Naked Attraction with Craig David.
The Legend Of Zelda: A Cunt To The Face
Pigeon foot shaped shoes for pigeons that just have them weird little stubs instead of feet.
A show for fat beardy gay men who like rambling, called The Beary Hikers
A show for gay German bears, The Hairy Dieters
Some good stuff in here, lads.
David Cameron, but all he can say now is "lizards" but really loud and forcefully. LIZAAAAAARDS
Craig David theme pub
Pegged and fish-hooked while looking into an industrial fan
I'm so tired of working for corrupt, uncaring Big Oil.
I want to work for Mom n Pop oil. Just a nice auld couple flogging the odd barrel from their garden. Little Oil, lads. That's what my heart wants. Just local oil, for local people
100 things you wouldn't want to stick in a chocolate fountain
Owing Jones. Left-wing political commentator turned bailiff.
PROPER NANS
CONCRETE NANS
ABSTRACT NANS
Hirsute damsel off for fry up
And there's that tasty bit
Terrible pools of blood
Raising a Laugh
Viewers vote for their favourite deceased comedian. The winner is reanimated by a necromancer long enough for them to do a 10 minute routine, before being returned to the grave.
Hosted by Noel Fielding.
Necromancer tbd.
Quote from: Gregory Torso on September 21, 2019, 06:50:04 PM
PROPER NANS
CONCRETE NANS
ABSTRACT NANS
GARLIC NANS
PESHWARI NANS
BOTSWA NANS
Keema nans or get to fuck
Saint Goblin
Tin Curtailer Sold Yaz' Pie
Kravitz Design won the contract for a new super refinery in Saudi Arabia.
"Fashion is something I'll probably get into one day but I'm really into architecture and interior design," says Kravitz. "So many people were going into that fashion direction, I thought let me do my thing over here."
Quote from: GMTV on October 01, 2019, 08:54:27 PM
Kravitz Design won the contract for a new super refinery in Saudi Arabia.
"Fashion is something I'll probably get into one day but I'm really into architecture and interior design," says Kravitz. "So many people were going into that fashion direction, I thought let me do my thing over here."
"Back to you, Crofty"
Clarity shops
Lenny kravats
Glut-Tony
Ben E Fit
Poo and shite
(c) CaB
Shite Militants and their guerilla war with Sunny Govan
Tim Buktoo
There should be much finer differences between the distances in the track athletics.
More races! More statistics! More medallings! More specialist commentators!
Perky Presenter: "And I'm pleased to say that we have Kris Akabusi here to talk us through the 245m men's hurdles semi-final. Now, Kris, I understand that the 'two-forty-five' holds a very special place in your heart."
Kris: Laughs maniacally...and utters 10 minutes of generic running words as the race takes place in the background.
PP: "And now, moving on to the much awaited final of the 4x70m+2x120m women's relay. Over to you Clive!"
Quote from: Bum Flaps on October 03, 2019, 11:56:00 PM
There should be much finer differences between the distances in the track athletics.
More races! More statistics! More medallings! More specialist commentators!
Paging ferris.
Quote from: touchingcloth on October 04, 2019, 01:16:28 AM
Paging ferris.
You're really asking 3 disparate questions there - you see, value is best determined by a combination of [4 paragraphs no one will read], and if you disagree with that then you are scum.
"mind your own cocksucking business"
Start your own cocksucking business
Quote from: Cuellar on October 04, 2019, 05:07:55 PM
Start your own cocksucking business
Need anybody to help you mind it?
Vince Cable Street.
"Goodbye, whore says"
Like the song.. Goodbye Horses...
Only it's a prozzy. And she's off. Doing one.
Because basically EVERY night is nonce night!
... Sorry, that was an orphaned punchline.
2049: Robot the Bruce
wallace and vomit
The Wallace (and vomit) Collection, Marylebone.
Greg Wallace and Ear gromit.
Ballache and Vimto
Developing a condition whereby you lose control of your legs; not they don't work, it's that they do things you don't want, like start to walk onto a train to Dumbarton, leaving you helpless - clinging onto bins, strangers, in an attempt to stop yourself boarding the train.
It's really disruptive and nobody even believes in it
Quote from: NJ Uncut on October 08, 2019, 03:03:53 AM
Developing a condition whereby you lose control of your legs; not they don't work, it's that they do things you don't want, like start to walk onto a train to Dumbarton, leaving you helpless
not only that, but they get the train that goes along the wrong line at Dalmuir so you have to change. Every time
Anti-erectile dysfunction cream
'No need to rub it in'
Barely works this one
"Rub in, rub out"
Favourite download bars and buffering wheels.
What type of Bombay Mix will you serve at your funeral? Answer our quiz to find out.
Quantum Leap, but each time Bakula has to be one of The Pogues.
Grave accent
Quote from: rasta-spouse on October 09, 2019, 09:59:52 AM
Quantum Leap, but each time Bakula has to be one of The Pogues.
Quantum Leap but it doesn't work and Sam Beckett has such a short temper everyone is forced to pretend it does
Quote from: petrilTanaka on October 09, 2019, 10:57:24 AM
Quantum Leap but it doesn't work and Sam Beckett has such a short temper everyone is forced to pretend it does
'Verbena, quick wrap this jacket in tinfoil, Gushman take my gameboy out of its housing, I've got an idea'
Quantum Leap but he can only back in time chronologically, and so there's an inevitable fear that he will eventually leap into nothing as he goes further back in time unless Al can fucking sort it out
Quantum Leap but he can only leap into famous animals throughout history.
Episode 1: Catherine The Great's Stallion
Quantum Leap but Ziggy can only say increasingly vile insults about Sam Beckett's mum, no matter how much Al slaps it.
Quantum Leap but he can only leap forward and only leap forward one second at a time and he is in fact just living
I've never seen Quantum Leap
Quantum Leap but it's Quantum Gape
Quantum Leap but Sam Beckett's got a hernia that gets bigger every time he leaps so he worries that it might be a tumour. And it is.
Quantum Leap but Sam Beckett sits in a cottage in France writing austere and uncompromising novels.
Quantum Leap but Sam Beckett has the song Killer by Adamski playing at deafening volume in his head until he dies of a brain haemorrhage at the end of series 5.
Quantum Leap but Sam has a stonking pair of tits that he has to hide whenever he leaps.
Episode 1: Adolf Hitler
Quantum Leap but Sam Beckett finds he has a mouthful of semen immediately after every leap instead of saying "Oh Boy".
Qantas Leap
Quimbum Leap - Like Quantum Leap but Sam Beckett has a fanny for an arse.
Episode 1: Elton John's Stag Do
Quantum Leap, but Professor Alice Roberts is brought in to team up with Al Calavicci for a modern science angle.
Due to a tragic accident at the Starbright Project research centre, and this reveals nothing about me at all, Roberts has her skirt hiked up and Al's face is buried in her bare cunt. It's like this permanently, they're a sort of a conjoined manticore creature for the Billie Ellish set. Al has to give Sam all of Ziggy's probability tips in a really muffled voice beween her thighs which Roberts often has to interpret (perhaps to comical effect at times).
Oh, and on the Christmas specials Roberts will have a yeast infection.
Quantum Leak and Samuel Beckett is incontinent
Quantum Leap but Sam Beckett leaps into the body of ex-Beatles drummer Pete Best in order to fix the ambiguity of a joke that would be written 30 years later.
Sam Beckett Never Returned Home.
Quantum Leap but Sam Beckett leaps into the body of Marc Almond as an ashen-faced nurse inserts a tube into his mouth.
Quaaludebummed Leap - Sam Becket leaps one last time into the semi-submerged body of Stuart Lubbock.
Qualmbum Leap - Like Quantum Leap but Sam always leaps into someone who's just followed through.
Quantum Sheep - as above, but with sheep.
Quantum Lump - Sam Beckett has a terrifying swollen mass on his left testicle that disappears in a blue light whenever he gets close to having a medical professional look at it.
"are your energy pills running wild?"
Quondam Leap - it's just a title
Weekend at Bernie Sanders
"Weekend at Bernie's, Anders?"
"No, I'm in prison for murdering those kids"
Weekend at Burning Man
Quantum Weekend at Bernie LEap
Belfie's through the ages.
Quote from: Cuellar on October 09, 2019, 07:40:06 PM
Quantum Weekend at Bernie LEap
Quantum Weekend at Bernie Inn
Sam Beckett leaps into a joiner in 1995 who is undergoing a re-fitting of the now Whitbread-owned chain as it's changed into a Brewers Fayre.
Quantum leap but Ive seen it at least once so I have an idea about how to subvert it
Bakula, the Musical
Wonton Leap. Sam leaps from chinese restaurant to chinese restaurant only being released when he has perfected his sweet and sour sauce. Sam never returned home.
Quote from: pancreas on October 10, 2019, 02:06:02 PM
Wonton Leap. Sam leaps from chinese restaurant to chinese restaurant only being released when he has perfected his sweet and sour sauce. Sam never returned home.
Laughed
Bathman
No cape or grappling hooks or owt, just a fat bloke in the bath on a Sunday night trying not to think about work tomorrow.
Quantum Leap Of Solace
Qualcast Leap, in which Dr Sam Beckett looks at the Quantum Leap Accelerator each week and goes "nah, best get the grass cut first"
The History of South Africa, a new partwork for January. Free binder with part one, free Nelson Mandela with part two
Quote from: petrilTanaka on October 11, 2019, 01:58:52 PM
The History of South Africa, a new partwork for January. Free binder with part one, free Nelson Mandela with part two
Excellent. Should send that to Tim Vine.
New documentary about the history of a small town in northeast England, presented by Jonathan King. Current working title is Age of Consett
Grave (ITV).
I dunno. A quiz show hosted by Dean Gaffney or sutin.
Mark Kermode's Commode.
It could be where he puts bad films. Cor, just flushed a stinker down the commode.
A new character, Mystery Dave
"What you having for tea Dave?"
"Not telling ya"
Ooh, how clandestine!
Birmingham is mine
... By order of the Cheeky Paedos!
Row, row, row your boat
Gently up my arse
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on October 17, 2019, 02:49:07 AM
Row, row, row your boat
Gently up my arse
(https://media.giphy.com/media/vsl6L2IoTilEs/giphy.gif)
A t shirt that just says 'Worth Sallis' on it
Quantum Leap but it's a Dining Experience
No Christmas for John Worboys
Quantum Leap but it's Peter Sallis all the time
Quantum Reap - cotton slavery and the violent uprisings
Quantum Leap only doing the leaping is John Worboys
desecrated coconut
List of video games that have names that are not embarrassingly stupid compiled from technology forum thread titles.
0 replies
Untitled Dale Cregan Game
Quantum Rape. Scott Bakula goes through a cycle of becoming aware that he's in the middle of committing a sex crime, except it's not Scott Bakula it's Samuel Beckett the playwright pretending to be Scott Bakula the actor pretending to be Dr Samuel Beckett. When he is eventually jailed for his campaign of rapes across time and space, he decides to rewrite his entire oeuvre in a more rapey way, starting with Raping for Godot and Krapp's last rape.
Highlander but there can be around 12.
Quantum Leap but it's Jean Warboys
Quantum Leap but Sam Beckett only leaps into the bodies of monkeys in nappies
Quantum Bongo.
an emergency stomach pump produces 8 litres of Marc Almond rumours
a signed photo of a goblin
(https://i.postimg.cc/g0bKy1Q3/20191020-200455.jpg)
Shit of Theseus, he's flushed it but done another now. Is it the same shit?
AIDS Tiger is a rubbish tiger, bullied by the alpha tigers. Doesn't even like frosted flakes.
"Please don't call me AIDS Tiger and I just want those vaxxers to give me some scritches"
Ashes lay scattered on ice
Shadows of life
Against pale, translucent memories of water.
Soulless cinders
Of a presence once present
Black dust
Of a heart once heartless
Will now remain as remains,
The Pain of Knowing anointed
By tears wiped in anger
Everything they did
What I did
Ends here
With a solitary farewell
Within this spectre'd forest
A chorus of spiders
Reside across the branches
Webbed observers
Inciting silent fear
As frogs hum in hope
For the ice to break so they can be free
Once more.
Instead, the ash carries across underbellies and undergrowth
Beyond my reach, our moments gone
Beyond my grief, our mutual pursuit
Beyond the precipice, our marred tryst
Beyond the truth: My Only Love dispelled amidst
This Swamp Of Ghosts.
- Jacynth Breasal (1927 - 197??)
The poem is untitled, but notes at the time indicate that her former lover Zlotoska requested that his ashes were to be scattered over Lake Baikal. Breasal instead travelled to the Okefenokee Swamp. Breasal had previously described her thoughts on their relationship as follows:
Arkady Zlotoska: my first love, my last evil. A vessel of devastation, a conduit of spectral ashes fallen from the darkest of clouds, eyes brightened only by shadows in the most pernicious corners of the earth and sea.
Following the destruction and subsequent exposé of the notorious Zlotoska Death Cult of the late 1960s, Bresal was forced to live anonymously, nomadic and in fear of being murdered by the remaining followers of Zlotoska. Following her disappearance entirely in the mid 1970s, scraps of writings tucked in secondhand books, under floorboards and in safety deposit boxes across numerous locations in which she had previously resided are still being discovered, as we gradually piece together the mysterious and devastating story of the journalist, author, activist and artist known as Jacynth Breasal.
A character called Morgan Failure
Alan the Turtle
Wanton leap - just smashing round dimensions, no bother
Wonton leap - something about little dumplings
One ton leap - and so on
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Emily
(a thread aboot my mad ex)
Person of Pintrest
Quantum Leap rip-off where a group of mid-atlantic-accented deadbeats use a god-like omniscient computer system to solve thoughtcrimes but are often put off by how difficult it is to get images to enlarge to a reasonable viewing size.
The word "Moslem" but with all the different possible vowel permutations from Maslam to Muslum via things like Meslim and Mislam.
New magazine called "Blanket Coverage" that reviews blankets.
"Flannel: is it coming back (or did it never leave)?"; "The Stitching Hour: Synthetic Fabrics and You" etc etc
Peut-être the Blue Peter dog.
TOP TEN NEW WORDS OF 2019
Celebigotry
Misunderstance
Swapmeat
Swatmeet
Misothering
Dadnaming
Moansplaining
Hubwhore
Fontshaming
Tabletitis
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on October 29, 2019, 12:07:03 PM
Peut-être the Blue Peter dog.
This is a pun on Petra, and I genuinely came up with it in a dream.
Not much cop in the cold light of day, is it? Never mind.
Game of Thrones but it's exclusively in the anus.
TV pitch: Colin from Daventry and Darren from Coventry spend a week in each other's shoes. At the end of the week they take the shoes off and put them in a pile, then the presenter takes a whiff and goes THAT FUCKING STINKS.
Working title: Total Waste Of Time
The poor alcoholic's lament.
No money on me = cashless sobriety
Yeah let's go for another but first, amigo o friend ol buddy, I need to hit the time machine
The wha?
Well, time = money
Oh shit, I've run outta time
A joke about a shepherd-rumour.
Punchline: "yes, I herd" ("heard")
And I am the lord of the edge, said he
Nobility scooters
Let us now praise phimotic men
Hip hip purée!
Carl the Culturally-Appropriating CEO, takes a bow in the canteen for the raucously successful joke of one of his employees; witnesses an employee asking another out and turns up on the date as if he had secured it himself
A lass brings her baby in and Carl snatches it off her, explaining how proud he is, before parading the sprog aloft around the building
Tags: alright, guys, you've had your fun with the referring yourself to NHS mental health services
Quote from: NJ Uncut on November 10, 2019, 11:30:43 AM
Tags: alright, guys, you've had your fun with the referring yourself to NHS mental health services
Is that said by an actor or a robot?
Quote from: touchingcloth on November 10, 2019, 12:28:23 PM
Is that said by an actor or a robot?
Stop-motion plasticine doctor
(https://i.imgur.com/9nAot1d.jpg)
My name is URL.
Testicle enhancement products/services, do they exist?
If they do exist, i never see any ads. is that because google is happy with the current state of my testicles or because they think I am happy with the state of my testicles/have given up?
Should've gone with FerriswheelBueller.ca
Fucked it right up
Cuckulents.
Pretending to be Rick Stein but you"ve grilled some halloumi really badly
get your bell stinky in helsinki
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad she was horehead.
She's turned the Danes against us (Viking-themed strategy game).
2am thread
Strawberry Phil
Nothing is Rhyl
Barry Krishna
A boy is born into a poor family in Wallsend, England, but soon comes to the attention of a gang of Tibetan monks hunting for the soul of the recently deceased Dalai Lama.
Could it be true?
Hilarity and mild peril ensues.
Book a rest in Bucharest
You can have that one, Bucharest tourist board.
Flow my spunk, the policeman said.
Sci fi porn or sutin I don't know do I that's all I got.
That's all I GoT. Like this thread, but with even more goblins.
Just lezzed off in a tax inspector's face, and it was mostly intentional.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 10, 2019, 12:04:25 AM
Hip hip purée!
Perfect post. No irony. Am punching sky at this
THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE
Quote from: touchingcloth on November 15, 2019, 07:19:45 PM
Just lezzed off in a tractor inspector's face, and it was mostly international
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on November 15, 2019, 09:07:01 PM
Perfect post. No irony. Am punching sky at this
THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE
You're telling me. A lot of stuff in here is much too funny or well thought out.
Down with that sort of thing - just poorly sketched out bullshit in future.
Joan, Armour Trading
(a woman called Joan buys and sells suits of armour)
Gimme the Knight
(New chess TV programme hosted by George Benson)
Ejaculate?
I think you'll find that I am always punctual.
^ E jac u right on time
Mobility Scousers.
Modern reboot of Goodnight Sweetheart in which Gary Sparrow lives in the future and travels back in time to present day in which he cuckolds a millennial and doesn't give a shit as always.
Title: FUCK OFF LOVE
Modern reboot of Goodnight Sweetheart in which Gary Sparrow accidentally travels back in time to the 70s and has to disguise himself as Nicholas Lyndhurst to blend in. Big finale where there are loads of him doing the WH Smiths advert
robin incel
the poltergeist i was seeing around my house has stopped responding to my seances.
i think she's ghosting me
this is an excellent gag, please enjoy.
Bonnie 'Prince' Andrew.
Meats by Dr Dre.
Billy Gunn making cameos in sitcoms, in his hotpants. To his The One music. Look at allllllll I got
Jay Kay coked up thinking the floor is moving everywhere he goes
Garyoke.
A Question Time Election Special, featuring the top political editors/pundits.... so members of the public can get to call them out for being lying c*nts for an hour.
Titsocks
Like socks but for your tits.
Milk monitor, but it's a lizard made of milk.
Milk monitor, but it's a VDU made of milk.
Mini milk monitor, but it's a dwarf child handing out tiny milks.
Milk Minotaur.
Monastery crime caper
Felonious Monk
Milk monastery.
Wilson Pickett & Betty
Quote from: grassbath on December 08, 2019, 03:38:09 PM
Monastery crime caper
Felonious Monk
Too good for this thread
GET OUT
seriously guys, be a bit more careful before posting in here please?
Come, friendly dad-bods, and fall on Slough
Nazi Babies.
The prostitution rests
nigel: of the family farage
Craig David gritty reboot
here is a joke:
'have you seen the film shame with Michael Fassbender?'
'i didn't know Michael Fassbender was in Shame! does he have a big part?'
'yes, it is huge'
Deadhead Ned bled Blind Ed's brown bed red
Locked Out Syndrome Mick, just can't be trusted with keys
Lock-In Syndrome Floyd, just can't be kicked out of the pub
Finders Kepler's
Horror Night: Day of the Farage!
Bristol Temple Paeds
Kneel, Morrissey
The Archbishop of Greggs
I Love The 90's, but they cast a wry eye exclusively over any incrementally improved technical media and governance documents of the year.
New revisions to computer software, updates to any industry standards (government documents, health and safety, building regs, anything), new rounds of funding within the same programme of work, and so on.
Bantam and Robin.
Crime-fighting chicken and bird duo.
Coffee grinds tasting, live from Ipswich. Brought to you by BBC on a budget.
Actually BBC on a budget might make a good thread. H.mm...
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on December 19, 2019, 08:49:56 AM
Coffee grinds tasting, live from Ipswich. Brought to you by BBC on a budget.
Actually BBC on a budget might make a good thread. H.mm...
Bargain Hunt, but David Dickinson is operating the camera and boom microphone himself.
antique roadshow over the phone. calls are charged at £3 per minute so be very specific when describing your antique.
Gash in the Attic. Anne Frank meets Secret Diary of a Call Girl.
Quote from: pancreas on December 19, 2019, 01:55:05 PM
Gash in the Attic. Anne Frank meets Secret Diary of a Call Girl.
Sounds expensive... Can you set it in a shed and make it with hand puppets?
Thread Splitters!!! The Movie! dun dun duuuuh...
I'm tired
Jonathan Pies
Morbidly obese newsreader smugly rants and gesticulates on YouTube about pies, his trademark suits stained with sweat and gravy. He fucking reeks, mate.
Lock-up Syndrome Pat, just can't avoid having an old garage full of shite somewhere. Can get you anything, provided you can put up with three cancellations and get up on a horrid day at a shit time to go twenty miles and spent three hours digging through shite for it. Anything.
♫ Pritt Stick on your collar... ♫ You mad bastard.
The Archer: Sitcom about Jeffrey Archer à la Toast of London.
A ballet about Microsoft Office.
Something something something what Clippy knows,
Something something something on your tippy-toes
Quote from: Captain Z on December 19, 2019, 01:23:21 AM
Bantam and Robin.
Crime-fighting chicken and bird duo.
Hang on a minute, i got bollocked upthread for stuff like this ('too well-developed'). Are you half-baked bunch of bastards going to let him get away with this?
Quite right. Quite right. Ostracise the cunt.
I love nostalgia, where clips of talking heads are interrupted by clips of talking heads with the original talking head showed down and desaturated in the background, to say that the original talking head must've been on drugs or something
Quote from: pancreas on January 02, 2020, 12:13:33 AM
Quite right. Quite right. Ostracise the cunt.
Ostracise - large bird based exersise programme
Programme. Metric measurement pressure group in the US.
The Great British Gape Off
Quote from: Chollis on January 02, 2020, 04:09:59 PM
The Great British Gape Off
Judged by Mary Berry and Mike Gapes?
Paul HollyWOULD, morelike
48p and an expired bus pass.
jah wobble's jars wobble.. pass it on.
Glando Calrissian
Buffalo Didcot.
You make me feel like Ted Danson
I wanna Danson the night away
Only Fools And Organ Harvesting
Get Breakfast Done.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on January 12, 2020, 08:21:49 PM
Get Breakfast Done.
This is extremely poor. It may be the worst thing you've ever done.
Quote from: pancreas on January 12, 2020, 09:32:23 PM
This is extremely poor. It may be the worst thing you've ever done.
How naive you are.
Quote from: pancreas on January 12, 2020, 09:32:23 PM
This is extremely poor. It may be the worst thing you've ever done.
Makes it a perfect post here
And by here I mean cookdnbombd
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on January 12, 2020, 10:26:20 PM
Makes it a perfect post here
No. It should be an avenue of silver birch and Bertrand Russell's. His post is a cul-de-sac full of aids rapists armed with penis scissors.
Quote from: pancreas on January 13, 2020, 12:30:10 AM
No. It should be an avenue of silver birch and Bertrand Russell's. His post is a cul-de-sac full of aids rapists armed with penis scissors.
I suspect I'm one of the few CaBbers to have written a (published!) paper on Russell, or to have quoted him extensively in an HS Art thread (though won't tell you which one).
Sorry pancreas, this is misjudged criticism here. My post is up to (down to?) the standards of this thread, and my credentials are unrivalled.
Better luck next time.
Multivariate count autoregression
Pasta Shaggers
Breakfast Means Breakfast.
Oh, I don't know. Breastaurants?
A terrorist organisation's attempts to bring back GMTV
Jill Nando's
Hulk Hogan's Shogun Hoedown/Showdown.
psychic door handles
Modern day Draclea like the Sherlock one right but everyone's a millenial so never leaves the house just sitting around vaping and eating avocado toast and they get everything online don't they so they never go to the shops right so how does draclea get his victims?
He's a tesco delivery man and has to wait until someone says "yeah OK" when he asks them "Shall I bring this through for you?"
Gritty reboot of Blankety Blank
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on January 16, 2020, 02:50:19 AM
Gritty reboot of Blankety Blank
Already done: RuPaul's Snatch Game
I bought a magnetic tray and telescopic manetic wand. It also came with a little mirror on a telescopic extender. Genuinely tempted to use it to look at my own anus.
absolutely jack shit, just wanted to post a tag because I've never done one before
If all the roads turned into rivers
And all the rivers turned into roads
Quote from: Norton Canes on January 20, 2020, 01:10:41 PM
And all the rivers turned into roads
Every city except Venice.
That's all you got?
Thing Crosby
Cheese night: Brie & Steps.
I am a big fan of all the carpentry tools; adze ... ... ... ... ... plane.
Antisi-murbatory as a word for something.
9/11 blaze it
Take That's 'All I Got'.
TV ideas for Ricky Gervais after they finally get sick of him in the US:
Ricky Don't Lose That Humber - RG is blindfolded and has to follow the River Humber to its source, relying only on the goodwill of the public.
Ricky Don't Lose That 'cumber - RG repeats the foregoing only he has to maintain possession of a cucumber at all times.
Ricky Don't Lose That Mumba - as above, but RG has custody of early noughties pop singer Samantha Mumba.
Prime and Prejudice
Docusoap featuring the trials and tribulations of Polish and Romanian drivers as they go about their day delivering the wares of the Amazon corporation.
It's the Wetherspoons pub chain, and everything is exactly the same - except the pub chain is called J R Humanoid
Up to ones neck in bollocks
Strawberry Gravy.
Some snakes on a plane
Quote from: Captain Z on January 24, 2020, 02:56:10 PM
Some snakes on a plane
Well that idea isn't going to work
Lady Gagarin
You had me at reverse...
Quote from: the on January 24, 2020, 11:52:00 AM
It's the Wetherspoons pub chain, and everything is exactly the same - except the pub chain is called J R Humanoid
I don't quite know why but that really made me laugh
Yeah that's quality.
TK Marx
Can't decide if it's Groucho or Karl
was gonna write all my posts in character but abandoned the idea immediately
Well you can tell everybody down in old Frisco
Tell em Colin Montgomerie says hello
Bisto toothpaste
Up next: Michael Jackson - Bad (ly disfigured my face with plastic surgery)
Up next: Michael Jackson - (Badly disfiguring your face with plastic surgery, you can't) Beat It
Hugh Manatee
Hooves Like Jagger
The Trolling Crones.
The Rolling Scones
And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fisters of men
Big Trouble in Little Vagina
Waspy women
The Ragged Anused Philanthropists
Rubber plant / condoms
The Shaggèd Anused Philanthropists
Obscure Serial Killers: a podcast
Doing/having a benson
Doing a poo and calling it a dishonorable discharge
The Peroneal History of David Copperfield
A digital watch which can display nothing except the current year.[nb]100% accuracy guaranteed during 3 year warranty period.[/nb]
Learn To Code with Serial Killers From Prison
Episode 1: Ed Kemper teaches the basics of Python
Aberdeen Anus.
Gland Grenades
Clit Eastwood
Pene J Harvey
Some kind of clothes stealing lesbian
A clowne sees the video for Don't Stop by Red Hot Chilli Peppers for the first time and is blown away
Only Fools And Horses, but Del and Rodders are Islamist terrorists.
Quote from: bgmnts on January 24, 2020, 01:52:34 PM
Strawberry Gravy.
http://asweetpotatopie.com/2014/01/31/southern-biscuits-strawberry-gravy/
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on February 08, 2020, 11:55:31 AM
Only Fools And Horses, but Del and Rodders are Islamist terrorists.
And Trigger makes a
face extremist post online.
Only Fools and Horses Dining Experience Brexit special, with Del Boy finding a Brexit deal that fell off a lorry driven by Theresa May and giving it to Johnson to sell to the British people. "Luvverly Brexity"
Anyone fancy trying this idea in the OF AH dining experience thread?
I mean what even is sugar? What is it?
Quote from: willpurry on February 09, 2020, 04:39:35 PM
http://asweetpotatopie.com/2014/01/31/southern-biscuits-strawberry-gravy/
Someone here posted this horrifying biscuits + chocolate gravy video
https://youtu.be/5K7J9aaMwJs
M. Night Shyamalan's: The Happening Parting 2
Like 'The Happening' but it turns out hair is the enemy of humanity rather than vegetation.
Battle thicket.
(https://i.imgur.com/AYBExZi.png)
Channel 4 crossover/mash-up of Bake Off and Poirot
"This week, the bakers are making French Belgian buns"
Could be good. I'd watch it.
Bob Dylan on wheels
Halley's Comment
Potato flavoured crisps.
Came to me just like that, amazing!
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on February 15, 2020, 04:54:03 PM
Bob Dylan on wheels
Really laughed at this until I realized I wrote it. Shambles.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on February 16, 2020, 08:15:09 PMPotato flavoured crisps.
Came to me just like that, amazing!
Been done mate
(https://i.imgur.com/wBl5oKz.png)
Quote from: the on February 16, 2020, 08:17:16 PM
Been done mate
(https://i.imgur.com/wBl5oKz.png)
Why do you hate me so much?
Mark's Commode
You come home from school aged 9-10 and your mum's just this big triangle
Blue cheese! Cheese that is actually the colour of blue!
Something I wrote ages ago. I did a photoshop DVD cover but can't find it anywhere...
BLESSED BE THY NAME
In light of the popularity of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Sky 1 were eager to create a series rivalling the humour and controversy of the HBO series. After several untitled pilots were made with talent such as Bruce Forsyth (too nice), Ian Smith (popular but was committed to Neighbours) and Bill Oddie (walked out in the middle of filming due to an unprovoked attack from a deranged 'fan'), it was decided that Brian Blessed was the man for the job.
Blessed was concerned that the pilot felt too 'scripted', and suggested they just filmed him on his daily adventures. Patrick Stewart proved to be somewhat of a guide for the audience as Blessed's behaviour became increasingly odd. Stewart was the long-suffering sidekick, and it is still unknown if his breakdown in the penultimate episode ('The Three Musky Queers') was real or not, although it is believed they have reconciled as Stewart got Blessed a bit part on Family Guylater in the year. There was Noel Edmonds, a victim of Blessed's wrath, who tried on several occassions to prevent the show from being aired (but thankfully he gave in and even provides this DVD with a commentary [albeit mostly in tears] on eight episodes. Then there was Alan Davies, with whom Blessed picked a fight with on Twitter, ending in a disturbing confrontation outside of Blessed's home, an incident in which Ofcom received just over 6000 complaints. Guest appearances from a bemused Sir Ranulph Fiennes in three episodes, a rival to Blessed, proved popular with audiences, especially since Fiennes had no interest in being a part of, as he put it, 'such bollocks'.
Highlights include episodes such as:
Episode 3. EDMONDS ALIVE
Brian interrupts a recording of Deal Or No Deal and challenges Noel to an arm-wrestling match. Edmonds nervously accepts, only for Blessed to arrive later wearing a giant nappy, covered in Vaseline and swinging a dead dwarf in a Tesco bag.
Episode 7. COLD COMFORT FART
Whilst recovering from his near-death experience, Brian joins Twitter, only to find a strong reaction of comments to his descriptions of his bowel movements. After Alan Davies criticises him, Brian invites him over for dinner, during which he force feeds Alan a Baked Alaska full of gravel.
Episode 16. ZZZ-CARS
Brian gets caught in motorway traffic on the way to a radio job in Tunbridge Wells. After throwing a lance into a passing convertible, Brian causes a massive pile-up as he rolls from his moving car, walks into the nearest Little Chef and demands a house of cider. His old friend Patrick Stewart is called to pick him up, as he arrives to find Brian drunkenly using a chip fryer as a bidet.
Episode 22. RANULPH HOOD: PRINCE OF FIENNES
Brian attends a celebrity gala for charity, in the hope of encountering his nemesis, Sir Ranulph Fiennes. After a violent fight in Nandos regarding use of the frozen yogurt machine, Brian bets Fiennes he can reach the peak of the O2 before him, goaded on aggressively by the ghost of John Thaw.
Extras include:
'My Dinner with Patrick' - An extended scene from Episode 12 ('Blake's Tavern') in which Brian tries to convince Patrick to get him a part on Star Trek: The Next Generation, while Patrick tries to convince Brian it ended 14 years ago. Brian makes his famous shouting noise until Patrick silences him by inserting a whole poached salmon into his mouth.
'Climb Every Fountain' - Brian gives us a tour of his favourite fountains in and around London, and laments as to how he never reached the peak of Buxton Memorial due to an arrest.
'Blessed be the spear-chucker' - A cut scene considered too risqué to be aired from Episode 15 ('The Black Madder'), in which following Brian's outburst at the Medieval Fayre, Brian steals a lance and declares himself a 'spear-chucker', culminating in an 'unfortunate misunderstanding' with Lenny Henry.
'Brian's Enormous Cottage' - Brian gives us a tour around his country home, in which we see the soft side of his hilarious pint-sized gardener ('he's my little Turd', exclaims Blessed), and Brian demonstrates how he has taught his cat to laugh like him.
^ That was in one of the CaB annuals, I think
Whales' egg omelette
Quote from: madhair60 on February 17, 2020, 08:34:05 PM
^ That was in one of the CaB annuals, I think
I miss those days dearly.
brilliant
too good for this thread tho, so
FUCK OFF!
Onan the barbed hairy-un
greek god of cat dicks
Plants-based immigration system
BROMELIADS FUCK OFF
the safdies go on morcambe and wise and eric keeps calling them the tufties
uncut clems
Mustard Creams.
Big Cook, Brittle Cook.
Urine Gagarin
Therapy Elephant Committee
Hegel's Bagels: Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without Bagels.
Teletubbies: Too Hot for TV!
Early Doors: Deep Space Nine
B&Q sauce
Just been soundly buggered by Optimus Prime's six foot chrome cock. ASK ME ANYTHING!
The Botolph Claydon International Photography competition 2020 has been cancelled. No reason given.
Ginsters Paradise
Replacing the word "heart" with the word "arse" in song titles
Total Eclipse of the Arse
My Arse Will Go On
Etc etc
Mungo Terry
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on March 02, 2020, 04:52:06 PM
Replacing the word "heart" with the word "arse" in song titles
Total Eclipse of the Arse
My Arse Will Go On
Etc etc
Rhythm Of My Arse
That's another one
Save your arse my darling, save your arse...
Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin to sniff at
Graham Lineman's Bumper Book of Trans-exclusionary Yo' Momma jokes
Turd immunity.
Putting the 'UK' into 'ukulele'
Dry stone wailing
Putting the "ire" into "Ireland".
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on March 02, 2020, 04:52:06 PM
Replacing the word "heart" with the word "arse" in song titles
Total Eclipse of the Arse
My Arse Will Go On
Etc etc
Somewhere in my Arse
Putting the malt into malta
putting the boot into Bhutan
@oatmeal.com
Tie a piece of string to something and take a photograph.
I might try this later if I can be bothered.
"You've got to sniff a botty or two" to the tune of Oliver's Pick a Pocket or Two
Branches of Grot decreed essential.
FuckDonald's
Singing "smash the system" to the tune of "stop the pigeon".
Bertrand Gachot's barmy army
Lockdown with your cock down
Pockets full of sprockets.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on March 18, 2020, 09:04:58 AM
Tie a piece of string to something and take a photograph.
I might try this later if I can be bothered.
tempted. phones up in the loft. will do it tommoro if the idea still takes me
through the earth, wind, fire and flames
Pritt stick
Shitt prick
Violent Beauregarde
It's like she is in the book, but instead of chewing gum, she's just battering children and kicking adults in the back of the calf.
Blind date but the girl contestant is Purple Aki.
Joey Bukkake of the Gape Syndicate
You are invited to be part of Marc Gene's posse
Something based around the fact that all Jimmy Savile wanted was to know which tense he lived in
Now...Then?
Now? Then.
Now! Then!
That and lots of kidz' vanilla arses.
A.A. Milnecraft
"Oh, bother" said Pooh as he got eaten by a square zombie thing.
A. A. Gillne.
Christopher Robin shoots a baboon and writes about it in the Telegraph.
J.R.R. Hartley, Fly-fishing in Gondor.
King Rag Part 1
Driving mud minded down a dual carriageway
Locked eyes with a driver over the divide
a gruesome second
He beckoned
And reared,
driving bait,
It was him;
King Rag.
no knuckled white knuckled,
Shaved head no hair
ribs gleamed off the wheel shouting
'It's rude to stare'
But it was only a second
Then it was normal road
And I didn't see it for long but I was sure it was him,
But that could not happen today .
Crab sandwiches with a friend
Me and my friend
My friend and me
Ate Crab sandwiches
For our tea
He didn't like them
I didn't like them
Crabs are weird things from the sea
Porridge is like liquid cookies. Think about it.
King Rag Part 2
Standing in line normal and ache as usual
Queue is longer but nothing to shuffle or tut at,
Voice ahead 'this is mine and I never want it ever gain , take it!'
Cannot extrapolate intention from aggressive interaction
Try to act like other people
It's damn King Rag, Worm King
Puckered fleshy skull all twisted up in sinew
Normal as hell,
Would he recognise me?
Rag retreats to inner bite and jacket falls and gone
I was next in line anyway
King Rag Part 3
Sad that graham passed away when we were young he said we could be cousins
But he had growing pains
But we could be cousins if we wanted
Pretending to spy on churchgoers
Then that man asked grahams dad to talk away from the car
im so sorry i have terrible voices that are fucking cunts
new page carrion
Fuck Tales, featuring Scrooge McFuck.
Quote from: darth andy on March 31, 2020, 09:15:16 PM
Crab sandwiches with a friend
Me and my friend
My friend and me
Ate Crab sandwiches
For our tea
He didn't like them
I didn't like them
Crabs are weird things from the sea
Got a lot of time for this
Cheddar George
Eats a lot of cheddar, I expect.
Cheddar Gorge
The act of eating large quantities of English mild cheese
Cheddar Gores
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes but cheddary
Cheddar gorgeous
Beautiful it is
Howl's Moving Asshole
Inisols - people who are self-isolating through no choice of their own.
Andy Crush - self-explanatory
I take the PISS out of you - to the tune of 'I get a kick out of you'
Ray from the Mary Whitehouse Experience presenting all the daytime genres
Ians Hopkins.
Charlie and Lola: The Later Years
"I Am Absolutely Too Cunted To Do The Washing Up"
Quote from: the on April 07, 2020, 04:35:28 PM
definitely seen that one before an all. well done kittens for remembering someone else's joke
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the cumming of the lord.
Pube Goldberg machine
Thank Christ for this thread
Shat on a Hot Tin Roof
'Me? Oh, I work for Stroud Dogshit Council.'
A rush and a push and the land that we stand on is cum.
What a Waste!
Jilly Goolden teams up with a group of refuse collectors to track down the best premium bin juice in the UK.
Quote from: pancreas on April 25, 2020, 04:15:57 AM
What a Waste!
Jilly Goolden teams up with a group of refuse collectors to track down the best premium bin juice in the UK.
That's excellent
Turds of a Feather
Gil's Got Heron
Quote from: Captain Z on April 27, 2020, 02:52:59 PM
Gil's Got Heron
freezer shop that used to play for Celtic
Blackbird singing to a dead old shite
Take this sunken arse and learn to wee
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like crisps in wind.
All the new laureates. The queen's gone mad and there's like a builder laureate, a rapper laureate and a peodo laureate alongside all the usual ones.
Quote from: spaghetamine on April 29, 2020, 07:14:04 PM
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like crisps in wind.
Love it
Quote from: touchingcloth on May 09, 2020, 05:44:14 PM
All the new laureates. The queen's gone mad and there's like a builder laureate, a rapper laureate and a peodo laureate alongside all the usual ones.
Andrews always getting medals off his mum
Shot through the arse,
And you're to blame
Honey you give bums
A bad name
Honey I Shrunk King Kong (to the size of a normal gorilla and he's in a zoo)
Toothpaste brands you wouldn't want to be fisted by:
1. Arm and Hammer
The end.
Every time you try and talk all that comes out is the match of the day theme tune
Broad Games - like board games but for women
The Shoe-na Bomber. Lives in a shack and posts shoes to people, preferably with bombs in them.
Nonce.
Not at all. Not twice. Not once. Nonce.
Nonce was the vernacular in the North west of England for a ninepence.
Also in the Christian Church for non-Church of England.
#satire
Quote from: spaghetamine on May 14, 2020, 06:13:10 PM
Every time you try and talk all that comes out is the match of the day theme tune
love it
but cant remember match of the day theme
so my heads doing either grandstand or question of sport when i imagine it
you can't hum the Grandstand theme because literally everycunt - even the ones who are mute the rest of the time - bursts into Forget About You by The Motors
Bums on Seats
A homosexual sort of carnival troupe who show off their precision bumming in the manner and spectacle of the Shaolin Monks.
Not a thrust out of place as Bums On Seats provides the audience with the intoxicating mixture of discipline and balance with sweaty rectal plundering.
More commercially successful than the first idea based on placing the homeless on salvaged furniture.
Peter Andre meets prison rapists: a battle of will(ies)
The musical drama fantasy film "Camelot" but the titular castle-realm is "Travelodge."
Quote from: Fr.Bigley on May 17, 2020, 11:12:39 PM
Peter Andre meets prison rapists: a battle of will(ies)
Willy Russell makes a documentary about Willie Thorne. It is so successful that it is dubbed
The Triumph of the Willies.
Quote from: pancreas on May 18, 2020, 07:20:02 PM
Willy Russell makes a documentary about Willie Thorne. It is so successful that it is dubbed The Triumph of the Willies.
Take my money you sexy bugger.
the Institute for Faecal Studies
New socialist anthem for clowne, "The Internationnolly". Lyrics pending
50 Years of British Street Art
800 high quality photos of spunking cocks drawn on walls. £29.99.
last mango in 'arris
Phone a Lisa. It's some sort of game show.
"Hairy Peter"
Quote from: Fr.Bigley on June 24, 2020, 12:44:21 PM
The Sutcliffe sitcom.
running gag of never being able to find his sex trousers
Quote from: petrilTanaka on June 24, 2020, 01:33:49 PM
running gag of never being able to find his sex trousers
Or start the Rape taxi cos its starter motor is buggered prompting the line: "Sorry love, this car is shagged, but you know all about that"
Nightmare on the Buses
Barber's hop
Silent maracas
Highbrow vs Monobrow
Either a game show or the story of a nation. Could be about about Oasis, not sure.
Ed Danimal's Dead Animals.
Each week, Ed fists a different dead animal. Don't ask me why, he just does. You know Ed.
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on July 03, 2020, 06:38:30 PM
love this idea. home rehersal ones
Bez is given the silent ones every time he's admitted to hospital after an acid flashback.
SHITE PATTER
SHITE PATTER
Sorry, I just needed to spam that. It's being going round and round in my head all day.
SHITE PATTER
All day at work feeling like shit on the brink of tears and only
SHITE PATTER
marqueeing through my head as i push the cage back and forth
ideally it would be giant, striding, brown and bolded to the point of cardiac arrest
Queuing outside Primark for some prime shat, and making
SHITE PATTER
god that feels good
The song "Informer" by Snow except the title word is replaced with "Keir Starmer"
Quote from: Pingers on May 14, 2020, 05:32:53 PM
Toothpaste brands you wouldn't want to be fisted by:
1. Arm and Hammer
2. Punch and Judy.
Ferrous Bueller's Day Off
Same film but everyone at the school gets ill from iron deficiency
New Game: Guess the CABber from their dip test result.
Sparkling prizes etc.
The Car Park
Rusty cars feeding the ducks
Small cars on the swings
What do you get when you fall in love?
Fucked
That's what you get for all your trouble
Fucked
What do you get when you kiss a guy?
Thrush, I dunno
I'll never fall in love again
Dontcha know that I'll never fall in love again?
Don't tell me what it's all about
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
Kinky fucker
What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
Fair enough
I'll never fall in love again
No, no, I'll never fall in love again
Ahh, out of those chains, those chains that bind you
We've done this
What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So far at least until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again
Shove it up your arse
I'll never fall in love again
Fuck off
A new ill advised Donald Duck short called 'Quack Lives Matter' that they show you in the queue at Disney World
'Monet's Too Tight to Mention' - sitcom in which the notoriously parsimonious French impressionist artist pleads poverty in order to freeload his way through la vie parisienne.
The theme to Swap Shop except they sing 'Slut Drop'
Papal fungus
t2 but its sinead in instead of john connor
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on July 27, 2020, 09:11:13 PM
t2 but its sinead in instead of john connor
I quite like the idea of a Replace film/TV characters with celebrities with the same surname thread.
Anti-pub mousse
Anti-pube moose
YOU pay to scavenge for YOUR own grubs!
Legs and Co.vid
Danny welbeck and baldrick have a son called weldrick
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on July 28, 2020, 09:11:34 AM
I quite like the idea of a Replace film/TV characters with celebrities with the same surname thread.
Or putting an Irish O' in between non Irish people's names
Donald 'O Trump
Margaret 'O Atwood
Adolph 'O Hitler
And so on
A bloke who calls out for your attention in a fey manner so you can see him wanking in front of you yes it is 'Coo-ee! C.K'.
Stair juice for apple and pear juice
Frank Capra Demon
(one for the nerds there)
An enchanted microphone with the power to make any rap come true falls into the hands of Mike Read.
Maybe Noel Edmonds, dunno.
Reginal Spekulum
Crinkle Cut Chimps
Could also be steak cut or chunky. Also onion rings.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candle_salad
I feel like this is quality HS Art fodder but have no way to use this
Mayonnaise is a fruit salad?!
Sex register tier salad
David Foster Wallace and Gromit
Spazz jazz
Han's Christian handy-son
The lad is a plumber, so that's good to know!
Also, he broke someone's LEG in a fight outside his house last night. Shoved him on the ground and just kerb-stomped his leg in, the sound it made was revolting, I'll never forget it
Bit of a dark horse he is. Very religious, wound up real tight. Lovely to talk to, JUST DON'T GET ON THE WRONG SIDE OF HIM I GUESS!!
Won Ton Destruction
all you can eat chinese place
Something about a confused person running over Toni Halliday and Dean Garcia with a steamroller in order to safeguard the NHS.
Up The Arse Cormorant.
Roy & MG
ROY: Tickle it you wrigglers!
MG: Vrrrrrroooom!
Welsh Ass Pussy
Piss Pisstofferson
Is this liver organic?
Portia Nine-Eleven
The posh conspiracy theorist
Daydream Belieber
Look at him there
Blubbering to high noon and back
A shanty drowning in the recesses of his malignant cavities
Whiskers dripping with plagued milk and honey
Sour in tone and taste
Feckless chin; mouldy sponge
Rotted by a lack of temperance
Tobacco brown lips
Teeth once alive with chomp; now stumps in a putrid wasteland
Roy & HG Wells
Roy: Tickle it, you wrigglers!
HG: Yet across the gulf of space, minds that are to our minds as ours are to those of the beasts that perish, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded this earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.
LEGOLAND GARY
H(from Steps)G Wells
The Guardians Of The Galaxy vs The Bounty Hunters
Not another Marvel space movie, but about warring factions of chocolate obsessives.
Munch Bunch?
How about Mulch Bulch...
Pericles:
Imagine it, a pair of John Cleeses do funny walks and moaning and that.
Seinfeld on zx81
Seinfeld, desperately trying to stay relevant, meeting other less relevant comedians in an Xr3i round Marbella or summat. could call it "comedians in a car eating pasty's or something".
A new sitcom about a close-knit, working-class black family in Liverpool struggling to get cash by fair means or foul:
Spoiler alert
Breadren
Calling someone an 'arse case'
? Any good?
butt hamper
More lenticular things. Spoons? Deck chairs? Some kind of squirrel?
COBUMBO
Girther Tydfil
Coming out as a homophobe to your gay dad.
Since my baby left me
I found a new place to squat
It's down at the end of the hallway
It's called the shitting pot
Last of the Bummer Wine
Bot-sticker cumplings.
I used to have a massive scab that covered the middle of my face but now I've lost it. Oh well, it's no skin off my nose!
Lick out to help out.
Michael Gove with the face of a camel.
A bag with a gun and some chicken.
Terroir Twilight.
'90s indie band launches own wine range.
To the tune of Whiskey in the Jar (Thin Lizzy version works best for the final syllable):
Well it's-a me, Lakitu and the karts,
Peach, Bowser, Wario!
Yoshi, Luigi, Toad!
There's Donkey Kong and Mario
*guitar wailing*
"Alright Me Lover", a tawdry West Country parody of James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover". Released as charity single for something or other, reaches #87 in charts
Note to self: keep thoughts on wether covid mask regulations have helped or hindered rapists to yourself while on a first date.
Trump/politics... Trollitics
Must have been done.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on October 04, 2020, 11:11:29 AM
Terroir Twilight.
'90s indie band launches own wine range.
Westing (By Muscat and Decanter).
Desu deso.
Sitcom about a bloke selling fizzy pop in Leeds:
Spoiler alert
Captain Kirk
A book on gun safety called Trigger Warning.
Carry on Mario. Sid as Mario, Williams as Luigi, Babs as Peach and Bresslaw as Bowser. Ta.
Bisk Biscofferson
I'm too sexy for my catheter
Johnny the Hamster, goes on adventures in his cage. Nah.
Gary Glitter ft. T.I. and Pharrell - Blurred Lines
Donald Glover Meets Your Mother
Danny Glover Is Your Mother
HERE I AM
ROCK ME LIKE YOUR MUM'S IN SPAIN
Three days that's been stuck in my head
Quote from: Glebe on October 13, 2020, 03:56:32 AM
Johnny the Hamster, goes on adventures in his cage. Nah.
Are you saying his cage is named "nah"?
1 Chance 2 Gape
New single from 2 Unlimited out now!
Come on let's fist again, like we did last summer.
Quote from: touchingcloth on October 14, 2020, 09:49:38 PMAre you saying his cage is named "nah"?
Nah, I ain't.
The Shining except Boris Johnson is Jack Torrence? "Ooh, here's Boris!" Or something like that? Is that funny?
What is humour?
we're the Tweenies son, and we haven't had any facking dinner
A microscope that lets you see what's happening inside your microwave. In real time.
If you like a lot of chocolate on y'biscuit then you are AIDS-tier.
Gunpowder, Treason, and Cock.
Kansas' Big Book of Things to Shout at Football Matches
1. GO ON MY FUCKIN WAYWARD SON!!!!!
...
hmm
Need some kind of theory connecting everything in the world called "pinto".
Quote from: non capisco on October 17, 2020, 08:16:33 PM
Come on let's fist again, like we did last summer.
https://www2.b3ta.com/lets-fist-again/
I vant to suck your dick
Legend Gario 64.
Bone Again Christian
Are Brave Boys Adventure Golf. On hole 2 you have to putt the ball into Bobby Sands' mouth and it rolls into his stomach.
Arkwright goes to buy a birthday card for Granville. Comes back with a copy of Christian Discourses.
Every time a Tesco self-service till rings, an angel gets its wings (stuck in an automatic door).
Quote from: The Mollusk on October 21, 2020, 07:08:48 AM
Kansas' Big Book of Things to Shout at Football Matches
1. GO ON MY FUCKIN WAYWARD SON!!!!!
...
hmm
things you hear at airports:
1. I'm very sorry sir, your wayward son will have to travel in the hold on this flight
Something about Kenneth Williams and Sid James joining Kansas and only writing one song.
Funnily enough Roland, the dreams in which you're dying are the best i've ever had too.
Carrying the Can. Thriller starring Daniel Radcliffe as an employee in the quality control department of Heinz who must prove his innocence after he is framed for spiking a whole day's worth of beans with Ipecac.
Can The Can, with Philip Schofield. ITV, Saturday Night. You probably have to show you can do things, maybe in some kind of can?
Can-Du Attitude. In the mythical land of Can-Du, people are optimistic about achieving goals.
Quote from: frajer on October 27, 2020, 04:36:49 PM
Can-Du Attitude. In the mythical land of Can-Du, people are optimistic about achieving goals.
Can-Du in the WindThe follow up documentary, detailing the failure of the mythical land of Can-Du and its people to achieve any goals at all.
Can-Du Crush, gory mobile phone game where you have to suppress rebellions in the land of Can-Du during its time under the control of the East India Company. Got banned from the App Store following BLM protests.
A version of Cinderella where it's not a shoe but a 6" diameter butt plug.
An erectile dysfunction product called Lazarus. It doesn't work, they just thought it would be funny.
what if you were bitten by a radioactive anus
Quote from: Captain Z on October 21, 2020, 02:19:47 PM
https://www2.b3ta.com/lets-fist-again/
OOH OOOOOH, I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE, ACTUALLY! Get a life, Captain Z, you square. I've
got a life, why don't you
get one?
How about come on baby, let's do the fist?
I fist a girl and I like it
Bucket Fist: terminally ill patients get a visit in hospital by a celebrity they admire. But with a twist fist. Hosted by Esther Rantzen.
Quote from: non capisco on October 28, 2020, 12:02:05 AM
OOH OOOOOH, I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE, ACTUALLY! Get a life, Captain Z, you square. I've got a life, why don't you get one?
I've been singing this to myself and chuckling away at my own inventiveness. I realize now I've been Derren-Browned and what I thought was a free choice of obscene song was actually implanted in my brain.
That song where they go "ohhhhhh threee fingers two toes one up one down and chisel me up keep moving, three fingers two toes one up one down and chisel me tits keep moving, three fingers two toes one up one down and chisel me cock keep moving, they all keep tumbling down" except it's a kids show and everyone is naked and also parched
So parched that there's little glasses of water arranged near the camera and throughout the chisel dance the performers are constantly rushing up to the little glasses and gasping and trying to hoover out even the tiniest droplets from them using their mouths. But they are scared of their producer so they quickly return to their dancing spots to continue the chisel dance.
They know they're onions
Quote from: Cuellar on October 29, 2020, 04:59:24 PM
They know they're onions
Exposé of the O'Nions (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_O'Nions) family
Atari Arse Counter
Anyone understand the point of this? You peg it to the base of your spine and it stares downwards for a day, counting your arse.
A wild west scenario - one of those saloon bars with cowboys lounging around being macho and drinking whatever they drink, except a baby in a cot has been placed near the back.
What happens is every now and then one of the macho cowboy fellas has a moment of panic at their table, they freeze and mutter 'oh no', sharply stand up and anxiously waddle up to the baby in the cot. It's as if they've discovered they urgently need a shit - exactly the same as that, except they rush over to the baby and just stand there with their eyes closed, looking peaceful as all fuck.
After a few moments of intense concentration you see these thought-wave things travelling from the macho cowboy to the baby. These last a couple of minutes, and now calmed the macho cowboy returns to his seat and resumes whatever he was doing at the table - drinking or playing dominoes or whatever the fuck
And it keeps happening all day. All these fuckin cowboys sharply standing up all of a sudden and rushing over to be next to the baby, and these thought-waves passing over and then placated they return to their tables like nothing even happened.
So I ask the bar man what's going on with the baby. He's all his bullshit about needing to buy licquor first, so I do. Buy some fuckin licquor and it costs too fuckin much for a non-drinker
Anyway turns out these cowboys are having gay thoughts all day. Freaks em out so they need to urgently transfer them over to a baby. Better to have one baby grow up gay than all the men in town, the barman says
and the music stops. assuming a stranger must have walked in or something I look over to the door, but nobody's there. I glance over to the pianist and his face is frozen like 'ooop' - and next thing he's standing next to the baby trying to be calm
fuckin madness that place
there's a glans in my kitchen what am i gonna do
Space Jam but with Terence Stamp in the Michael Jordan role and no other changes.
Erykah Baddiel
Paul McCartney says: BETTER BUY BOLD
Christopher Walken says: IF IT IS YOUR COCK, THEN IT IS SMALL
and he's already walking away before the interviewer can get another question in
and Christopher Walken has a weird way of walking away; it's always directly parallel with wherever the camera is pointing, so he never turns off to the side and just gets smaller and smaller until he can't be seen anymore.
very very odd man
no idea what Christopher Walken was getting at there. Your guess is about as good as mine, I'd say.
Maybe he was saying "see something small? Well here is me getting smaller into the distance to show what it means" but really I dunno.
Just a spectacularly odd man
"and you know my surname, right. Well you may have noticed it has some passing resemblance to the verb 'walking'. So for the sake of some viewers at home, here now is some walking. Ok, watching? Right: here goes nothing!!"
But I dunno. Your guess is equally as valid as all this. It's just my first impressions, you know.
Just find him deeply peculiar with all the things he does. An profoundly odd man.
A thread called 'There's More'
was going to go for 'And There's More' but Jimmy Cricket would probably sue.
A thread called 'what buttocks are there'
in which people discuss what buttocks are out there in existence
Plain buttocks
That's Alf I got.
Could be a thread about the person who placed a life size inflatable model of E.T. at Diana's grave.
A thread called
Please start a new thread for every toothache
A thread called
Where the wires are
all about where the wires are
Thread Dinenage.
Ivor the Engine joins Meibion Glyndwr.
This thread sang to Nine Inch Nails' 'That's What I Get'. All the individual posts in the thread make up the verses.
some kind of mange tout that when you put it on your tongue it instantly turns black and dissolvant, like those revolting indoor fireworks
taste horrific too. like amongst the top eight worst foods. and they make you go fat
GNIMMUB
It's the chemical antidote to bumming.
Surface-to-air missiles that when they hit you make you go from being on a surface to being in the air. And the only way to go back to being on a surface is to be struck by an air-to-surface missile.
Quote from: Replies From View on November 03, 2020, 01:19:19 PM
Surface-to-air missiles that when they hit you make you go from being on a surface to being in the air. And the only way to go back to being on a surface is to be struck by an air-to-surface missile.
Christopher Nolan just got a boner.
Covid: Isolation
Quote from: Replies From View on November 03, 2020, 07:50:59 AM
GNIMMUB
Eagerly anticipated follow-up to Under Milk Wood proclaimed 'disappointing'
Yet Further Apparitions of Deathly Bumming
Edition 6 of the popular Denis Norden spookathon.
Quote from: frajer on November 03, 2020, 01:26:50 PM
Christopher Nolan just got a boner.
He always boasts that his boners use practical effects rather than CGI.
[wrong thread]
Person 1: I just had to go help my Scottish mate to get tested, even though I'm on leave with work for the next 7 days.
Person2: Week off?
Person1: No, he had a sore throat as well.
(I think if I make the setup as tortuous as possible then it might work)
P.s. Sorry.
Quote from: Sonny_Jim on November 05, 2020, 07:25:00 AM
Person 1: I just had to go help my Scottish mate to get tested, even though I'm on leave with work for the next 7 days.
Person 2: a week aff?
Person 1: no, he's a adult human
alternate version for viewers in Scotland
They Don't Even Have Buttocks On This' with Syd Little
It's obviously Syd Little again (audience groans) and all he's doing is endlessly pointing out a bewildering lack of buttocks on everyone. He has a point; nobody apart from him has any buttocks, and nobody is taking any heed. Can they hear him? He's growing increasingly hysterical that nobody is acknowledging him. It's like a nightmare!
Quote from: Replies From View on November 05, 2020, 06:20:10 PM
They Don't Even Have Buttocks On This' with Syd Little
It's obviously Syd Little again (audience groans) and all he's doing is endlessly pointing out a bewildering lack of buttocks on everyone. He has a point; nobody apart from him has any buttocks, and nobody is taking any heed. Can they hear him? He's growing increasingly hysterical that nobody is acknowledging him. It's like a nightmare!
PLOT TWIST: he is still alive, but has no earthly business to finish whatsoever. everyone is just ignoring him for a bit of a laugh.
'Teeth At You' with everyone on the planet + Syd Little
Everyone on the planet is developing this new affectation of grinding their teeth maliciously at anything that is being emotionally hurt. They turn their eyes into a mock-demonic formation and grind their teeth at - for example - anyone anxiously protesting their innocence or helplessly complaining about injustice. Or, in the case of Syd Little: everything he does and says. For everyone else on the planet has a subconscious or conscious mission to ruin his day, and every interaction of Syd Little somehow wounds his heart and soul.
In 'Teeth At You' we'll observe everyone carefully ignoring the main gist of all Syd Little's words to distress him and make him feel like he must have a communication disorder. We'll see everyone trying to remember to pull a face of revulsion in his company, to subtly induce an understanding that he is undeserving of love, friendship or any kind of warmth from another human being. And whenever he hits a state of breakdown, we'll find everyone just standing around at a distance woggling their eyebrows up and down and maliciously grinding their teeth.
Syd Little is parachuted in after Willie Thorne pulls out of the role. They'll rewrite it to be about Syd. Cracking title gone begging, but they'll love Syd's mere presence propelling the young boy to greater things
seem awfully fleshed out some of these ideas guys
you study the packaging for an action figure from your favourite franchise ("atlas man and the kickstarter gang"):
with waterproof wanking action
and you're like "what do you mean 'waterproof'"
and the bloke in the store just shrugs. you're like "are you even looking at the packaging" and he's just "nope"
annoying
Daphne du-morey eel
Angular Merkel
It's...Angela Merkel but she's a triangle. That's all. Alright mate cheers
A few things I'm working on:
Like Noel Fitzpatrick: Supervet except instead of a charming Irishman saving dogs from death's door, it's Nicola Sturgeon looking after sick fish.
Giles Coren Goes Foreign. Probably have Farage in there somewhere.
Which animal is the best at yodelling?
Twitchstreamer General
Garfeld.
"Men always eat lasagne like they've got a meeting to go to! Women, though, they like to take their time with the pasta sheets! And why do they call it 'Monday' anyway? What the heck is a 'mun'? It should be called mun-dane day!"
*SLAP BASS*
Odie is Kramer or some shit
Quote from: Gregory Torso on November 07, 2020, 09:58:00 PM
Garfeld.
"Men always eat lasagne like they've got a meeting to go to! Women, though, they like to take their time with the pasta sheets! And why do they call it 'Monday' anyway? What the heck is a 'mun'? It should be called mun-dane day!"
*SLAP BASS*
Odie is Kramer or some shit
and then the door bell rings and Jerry Garfeld is all like "oh hello Nermal" and Nermal goes "oh hello Garry" because they hate each other
I think this has got legs actually.
Action scenes in films from now on to be called "superb hand-eye coordination".
I shat yourself.
Quote from: Gregory Torso on November 07, 2020, 10:42:57 PM
and then the door bell rings and Jerry Garfeld is all like "oh hello Nermal" and Nermal goes "oh hello Garry" because they hate each other
I think this has got legs actually.
it has
GET IT THE FUCK OUT OF THIS THREAD
Legend Garfield
rides up in his collarhoof motornike, sproings down the little metal leaning stand, gets off the seat, swings off it with his huuuuuge ass
and he hovers there on the sidewalk gawping up the strand of arthur stippin's front garden
arthur's like this: "what?" with mouthful of sausage roll
an old leathers grins, cracks his facade. says this: "i've just eaten a whole decahedron"
and stays standing there like that, grinning, for the rest of the day
arthur went to bed ages ago. and it's raining. old leathers beaming with pride up an empty garden
Exits Perused By A Bear - Memoirs Of A Gay Proctologist
in all of human history to date has there ever been a biden and a mcconnell sharing one penis
i reckon probably biden needs to piss more routinely than mcconnell, and mcconnell is bound to commence annoyance that he needs a piss but can't use the penis because biden is operating it all the time
and maybe in week twenty or twenty five we can start seeing some real sparks flying lads. real blunt words thrown about the penis
PWN Shop
<thread back on track>
THANKYOU dex
Randall and GoPro Deceased
BossyPants Green (and the Farting Anthropologist)
Kamala Harris and Fred Harris live together in a maths-themed lighthouse.
New Jack City (Bottle jack emporium)
Quote from: dissolute ocelot on November 09, 2020, 09:26:29 AM
Kamala Harris and Fred Harris live together in a maths-themed lighthouse.
And Keith Harris, who keeps getting his Orville thrown from the roof by Kamala who is practising her speeches.
Cellophane Gays
Benergizer
Hand Granitiser
Uses granite as a primary ingredient to make your hands become like your gran's hands
milk is one of the most 'in rush' drinks. means there's always a rush on for it
ah right, gimme some then
nope, gerroff
gimme some!!
[ABRUPT CUT]
[AFTER THE CAMERAS STOP]
I SAID 'NOPE GERROFF'. NOPE MEANS FUCKING NOPE MATE
alright mate it's just an advert
NO YOU ARE A WANKER WHO NEEDS TO GET HIS OWN FUCKING MILK
My dog ate my Kraftwerk.
the cloned coney island corona coroner on the corner
John stapled on to Lynn's folded wood.
Scottish Locks with Neil Oliver (an objective, through-the-ages study of the enduring youthful vitality and stoically-borne reproductive potency of Caledonian long-haired, middle-aged, MA (Hons)-anointed alpha warriors).
Quote from: Gregory Torso on November 09, 2020, 06:11:50 PM
John stapled on to Lynn's folded wood.
there must, I repeat must be a risk assessment and proper precautions to ensure there is no situation where either participant is stuck in a fatal predicament
Parrotdolia is the tendency for incorrect perception of a stimulus as a parrot, such as seeing parrots in clouds, seeing parrots in inanimate objects or abstract patterns, or hearing parrots in music.
bipartisan bumming conditionality
Orson Welles, the horse on wheels.
Cocteau Twins - Rowland Rivron and Rail
An NGO that works to clear landmines in Africa called BANGola
Mail-In Ballots of the Penis Calada Bros
And they're staggering in, heads all flopping to the fro, massive weights above them. "Hahaaahaa" takes winefred and there's a thud
Text on the screen: vote now to save face
Will anyone ever make a .... a fil...m. a film
hello everyone this is a brand new thread to ask if you reckon if anyone will ever make something that could be called a "film" by pointing some kind of absorption device at a subject until it has all happened, so then the "film" exists.
it would be interesting for me to know whether you think technology might "catch up" with us in this regard.
All right cheers let me know. ok cheers!!!
peter slutcliffe
Sedentary Hairstyle
sedimentary, my dear wattsapp
Seafood Mods - Paul Weller and Bradley Wiggins open a wet fish shop in Whitton.
shit the cat
Bolster and Kish, first in a line of new chemical pick-me-ups from the Andrew Sisters
Sufjan Stevens' Gary and LOL.
this bloke, 28 he is, absolutely fixated with mange tout and chomping on them really loudly with his lips splayed open so they're going all over the fucking place
and everyone's like "aaarghh mate this is covid times mate covid times" getting showered with chomped mange tout
but he don't give a shit. middle finger out: not give a shit pal. not at school anymore motherfuckas, don't need to listen to any one of you for the rest of my life
and if he was at school he wouldn't be scared of calling them motherfuckas because he's his own person
Nonce Upon a Time
/The hills are alive
With the sound of anus.../
I was thinking about one of those beachside knobbly knees contests except featuring great lengths of fabric with the tiniest holes ever, circling the anus of each participant. And an ancient judge with a magnifying glass - someone dug out of grave or retirement every year for this event - scrutinising each anus with an edge of rancor.
Quote from: Replies From View on November 11, 2020, 09:56:01 PM
I was thinking about one of those beachside knobbly knees contests except featuring great lengths of fabric with the tiniest holes ever, circling the anus of each participant. And an ancient judge with a magnifying glass - someone dug out of grave or retirement every year for this event - scrutinising each anus with an edge of rancor.
My anus has no edges of rancour. Do I win or lose?
Quote from: Pingers on November 11, 2020, 11:09:57 PM
My anus has no edges of rancour. Do I win or lose?
no mate your anus would be skipped prior to the scrutinisation phase. Out at the first round. Not even a giant bedsheet hung around it in the first place
sorry to say
1984? That's Orwell and good but it's no 2001.
Great British Bake Off except every cake title has - you guessed it!! - the word "anus" buried discreetly inside.
So Noel Gallagher and Bald George Lucas are up front saying ok next up: lemon drizzle anus cake and all the contestants are going yep, brilliant and they start baking it immediately
And at no point does anus get mentioned outside of the cake titles. It's not haha anus shaped cakes, or anus as an ingredient, no. It's just in the titles and everyone moves on from the word anus very quickly so it's only a standard lemon drizzle they are languishing over, except it is subtly called a lemon drizzle anus cake
Yes? Good, you understand? Alright so you can start baking now
Quote from: batwings on November 12, 2020, 12:38:06 PM
1984? That's Orwell and good but it's no 2001.
golden post
toy story 3 is the newest film ever
Anyone planning to upgrade to Windows 95?
a middle-aged man all bloated and horrible, streaming himself on twitch watching Buzzlightyear of Starcommand cartoon, and all these
Siouxsie Sioux type women all have a hard-on because of him
A Wookie porn imprint called Chewbaccanalia.
decent Formula One driver in a galaxy far, far away, Ralf Chewbacca
Chewbackerach.
NO SURRENDER TO THE IBA
NO SURRENDER TO THE IBS
NO SURRENDER TO THE IPA
the inspector is a waste of pink panther show
there, i said it
cnogratulations for having upgraded to windows 95!
you now have the software to make your own spiderman cartoons! enjoy!
NO SURRENDER TO THE ITV
IBS = Irritable Buncan Smith
hi guys!
just heard that some people are trying to watch finding dory!
alright cheers bye!!
IRA BRU
IRA BRA
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/0a/9c/bc/0a9cbcacfcb9557b4eb1d89beeb316e6.jpg)
There is a woman presenting CITV called Wankatha. Children send in their birthday cards and she reads them out with all her might.
Quote from: Replies From View on November 14, 2020, 11:12:03 AM
the inspector is a waste of pink panther show
there, i said it
si
Highbrews Delinquency Tunnels
Pemis
penris
The Littlest Hobo but instead of a dog, it's a tumbleweed.
The PENIX
or more correctly PŒNIX but we always Anglicise everything the Egyptians say and do
A touch of frostbite.
Your mum's so FAT32.
The Riddle Of The Sphincter
edit: been done fuck of
Zippy in the Pentagon
will there ever be a micro machines 2
Quote from: Fr.Bigley on November 18, 2020, 10:59:17 AM
A touch of frostbite.
They'll bring out the tiger in you! And
you!
You wouldn't buy a blender from an abortionist.
Total eclipse of the arms
People pay you to stand on their shadows.
Quote from: dissolute ocelot on November 18, 2020, 08:25:06 PM
People pay you to stand on their shadows.
And you are quickly given grief for not keeping up with every single shadow of all the people who are moving around in different directions.
Joe Longthorne
a meditation practice called 'arsefulness'
and everyone doing it looks as aloof as all fuck man
Wolfgang Amadeus Goat's Heart
Whackeem Penix
Robot Chas and Dave, 'The Cyborg Song'.
I've got 5G in the cyborg here
let Siemens sort it out if it fails round here
Cash in the Pencil Case
Golem Heights.
Charlie's Angels but Charlie is an elderly German film director, and it's called Werner's Originals
Unhappy hardcore.
Waspapp.
Jaffa hakes.
Moana in New Brighton.
A Lil Peep song called 'Invoice U'
It's 1929 and your dad is blowing chunks off scaffolding up the Chrysler building
it goes down as the main thing he has ever done
Quote from: A Car With No Doors on November 19, 2020, 12:23:57 PM
Charlie's Angels but Charlie is an elderly German film director, and it's called Werner's Originals
Routine singings of Cheer Up Charlie on the landslide
Quote from: Replies From View on November 20, 2020, 12:59:33 PM
It's 1929 and your dad is blowing chunks off scaffolding up the Chrysler building
Legend Gary interjects to suggest chunks was the name of his dog. to no fucking reaction
Monsignor dicklicker QC
Popehub
you are addicted to playing The Little Mermaid on the tiger electronic
A thread all about how addicted you are to playing The Little Mermaid on the tiger electronic.
Reaches 100 pages man. Probably ends up needing multiple threads to fit it all in.
The Arse of Noise
Quote from: Replies From View on November 20, 2020, 03:32:07 PM
you are addicted to playing The Little Mermaid on the tiger electronic
A thread all about how addicted you are to playing The Little Mermaid on the tiger electronic.
Reaches 100 pages man. Probably ends up needing multiple threads to fit it all in.
playing The Little Mermaid on the tiger electronic 8 <<1 2 3 ... 26>> [NEW]
the Glinner thread loses pace
Playing devil's advocaat.
yes CaB is back!
cognitive dissoNONCE
While the forum was down I had to open a door and shout that into the empty room, because I had nowhere to purge myself.
now though we will all be safe for ever and ever
no more terrible impulses ever again
A thread called could there ever be "a US presidential election"?
In which participants discuss whether one day something called "a US presidential election" could ever feasibly happen.
I would probably start by explaining to readers what "a US presidential election" would mean, in its offering of what are currently just randomly arranged words.
Rhys' onlyfans- might get to see his super furry animals
the great gatsby on ice, starring nigel farage and daniel kitson
Papa's got a brand new bawbag
Title for the next Labour thread: StarMar Superstar
wank drones
New arcade machine has opened up in the seafront town of western super mare and it is called nothing
on the container is a big picture of a grinning face all happy chops, and the word nothing has a bespoke font
the screen is on and it has a playable version of the grinning happy chops face, except you don't exactly do anything with it, it's merely playable
then cutting through the shit there's a nicely scaled speaker hoiking out psychoacoustics and there's a pleasant coin slot in the groin of the machine for your quarters and daughters
Your dad is able to crawl through any space that his head can fit through
Pretty amazing right? Not bad for old papa right?!
Actually, my degree in biscuit theory turned out to be fucking useless. Fuming.
puffer fish that have had their puff glands immobilised with botox so that when they see any kind of threat they're like this:
and get eaten
A person in my head calling himself Jungle Gary who tells me to nick bourbon biscuits.
(https://i.imgur.com/wxtKY5m.jpg)
Dairy Lee Punchables
tai chi with Pat Butcher
Glitter in the Shitter.
Show that documents Gary Glitter's community service in waste management. Funny shots of him struggling in septic tanks.
Dairy Lea Dunkirk
how far has jelly baby technology even moved on in the years since they first came out. just bought a pack of maynards jelly babies snowmen, assuming they'd have red hats or something remarkable like they show on the packet. but they're just the same as the ordinary ones!
Hardcore lawn.
"Prime Real Estate" but it's just a creepy man holding a cold meat buffet during a car boot sale, and what he's gleefully slicing is obviously pair upon pair of human buttocks.
And he seems a bit obsessive with the hand sanitiser if I may say so.
Instant Armour's gonna get you
Gonna lock you up in all metal outer shell
Better get yourself together
Pretty soon you're gonna be sealed in forever
Thai rack
his derek materials
Matey pirate-themed yogurt.
"Look, we're not eating a biscuit here. Let's get real."
Just a thing to say, to focus minds in heightened circumstances.
Had
MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT YOU'RE A SHARP DRESSED MAN
stuck in my head
So much so I had to make it real
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQjZ1qXD_cs&feature=youtu.be
Darlia Dippolito Goes Shopping
Sitcom about flatmates Graham Linehan and Contrapoints who are forced through circumstances into adopting an adorable border collie puppy.
You alright there
Yeah
What's new
Well, I've decided to go around saying "self own" instead of "own goal" and see if it catches on
Ah right; any particular reason
Just to be annoying
Ah okay great.
self own? To own oneself?
yeah as in to pwn
oh a hilarious typo joke?
no I will make out that pwn has its own meaning as well.
oh yesss these things will be verrrrry annoying. Good work
as a finishing touch I will say that this counts as an evolution of language.
annoying
yep
Some kind of diorama with Bert Reynolds and Ian Lavender plucking bits of latex foam off each other
Giving someone your last Rolo... because that's where you've put the poison.
Quote from: frajer on November 25, 2020, 09:50:51 AM
Giving someone your last Rolo... because that's where you've put the poison.
Just be sure to open the tube from the correct end, and by end I mean the physical end of the tube not simply the temporal meaning of ending / last Rolo / death
For my next post: observing late style in Terry's Pyramints
Sidewinder music with battle star gallactiker on in the background, some kind of tufty nuisance kid wafts up and hey presto everyone has to do exactly want he wants
hey you should all put on rusty roller skates and fall over, he says
and guess what? they do it
ladies and gentlemen ponder on this one: was
this the making of cobalt tromp himself?
answer:
Spoiler alert
nope!
what tog
what tog are you
you have to get it right really quickly, you have like ten seconds to answer ok
no warning about what the question is here it comes you need to answer it cold, fast as you can
here's the question:
what tog
what tog are you
Up the arse Cordon.
How I wish you a very Christmas!
How I wish you a very Christmas
How I wish you a very Christmas for the rest of all your liiiiives
I only have one life you grooting cunt! Stop wishing me the Christmas!!
man in Thames realises he has been living a lie when he discovers his anus is just a peel-off sticker
he wonders if it's the same for everyone, and to his enormous chagrin realises it fuckin isn't. He's the only person in the whole wide world with an anus from Panini, and it's not even a rare gold one
I mean it's a rare situation but the sticker isn't remarkable
which just rubs it in, basically
alright? who else
Quote from: Replies From View on November 25, 2020, 01:25:49 PM
man in Thames realises he has been living a lie when he discovers his anus is just a peel-off sticker
he wonders if it's the same for everyone, and to his enormous chagrin realises it fuckin isn't. He's the only person in the whole wide world with an anus from Panini, and it's not even a rare gold one
I mean it's a rare situation but the sticker isn't remarkable
The man goes to a support group for men with peel-off Panini sticker anuses but it's just blokes in a circle rifling through each other's 1989 buttock annuals chanting "got, got, got, got... need... got, got got"
yeah he's so enthused on his way there but he is quickly crushed by the reality of it
iirc he is very sad indeed on his way home
has his anus sticker on the end of his index finger which he is holding out like it's bleeding, and he's slowly skulking his way up his path towards his house. starting to rain and a little bit of drizzle gets between his finger and the sticker and before too long the entire thing has sycamore-seeded its way to the gravel
just bawls at that
bawls
his anus
it's heartbreaking isn't it
cheeky ride to the airport sir!
portishead, except everyone in the band is receiving cock and ball torture
STOP PADDING IDEAS OUT IN HERE IT'S AGAINST THE ETHOS
THE ETHOS
oh ok sorry
just portishead, and they come 'as is'
thankyou
Fan, Kew, Fairy Mush
Botanical Gardens visitors horrified as child dressed as tinkerbell is sucked into a malfunctioning ventilation unit, severing all her limbs
Hannibal Lecture. Oh just fucking eat me already.
Aristocratic family of stone giants being served scoops of gravel and slate laminate. Silver service.
handlebar legend
I'd like a vole please, Carol.
hi, urgent question
anyone know which is the newer one of windows 95 and windows 98
What if you needed a general anaesthetic to get your toenails and fingernails cut.
Anaesthetic
An aesthetic
Sadness Part-Ex
The chanting monks from Enigma run a secondhand car dealership
anus country gaol
Part-ex machina
Alky optician who drinks spirits in his local - Optic Ian
Deus fax machina
Ex-rental Machina
Deus Ex Marina
Very expensive moorings but worth it.
Pegasus Ed Machina
flying horse, talking horse, machina
ted ex machinima
how garry's mod provided a covid proof solution for the safe spreading of ideas
Blood Sugars Ex Machina
Gay sex machina
How about a hard boiled detective questioning a violin player and saying "What's the matter, sweetheart? CAT GUT your tongue?"
Shout out to my ex machina
T-Rex Machina
starring Vin Diesel
I got a text from your deus ex machina, boy
She said to look through your texts, boy
I'm not the kind of girl to snoop but I had a feeling, too
And now everything's absolutely fine.
"FEED THE BIIIIRDS"
(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/PWLu4D1Z4QU/hqdefault.jpg)
"DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME
OR NOT"
Hannibal Collar horse
le cock spurtoff
Jesuit und Penis Eisenhower
"so this is Christmas....
and what have you done?"
(https://www.udiscovermusic.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/Happy-Xmas-John-Yoko.jpg)
"another year WASTED 😡😡😡😡😡"
His Bloody Anus
Challenge Anneka, except Challenge Anusa
Tanned Women Are Women
key grip
Your dad, except he had recently taken to wearing glasses with springy eyeballs coming out of them, which he wears at dinner time laughing as they bob close to his food. He keeps remarking on them every few seconds, in the breaths between his constant guffaws.
You're about six years old and not finding it funny, but also feel helpless to change the situation.
hiiiii
good afternoon
your favourite computer game of all time is called BipBop 2
ok, cheers, see you later!
We Wish You A Terry Christmas
Terry Christmas in general
Quote from: Cuellar on November 28, 2020, 02:10:01 PM
We Wish You A Terry Christmas
Terry Christmas in general
yes sir; chocolate oranges and terry christian come together in our festive spherical treats
available at the till bit of WHSMiths where they try to sneak harbios and evians onto your bill
it is up to you to say no if you don't wnat one
Youtubers REACT to Sodium Hydroxide!
Chemists REACT to Copper Sulphate!!
Discount Viscounts
It's time to get BUTT NAKED
What's your main circus skill and your circus name
My circus name is Boston Automatic and I can gasp on demand
self-grating cheese
Quote from: Fishfinger on November 29, 2020, 09:03:56 AM
self-grating cheese
(https://www.feast-magazine.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Giant-Cheese-Grator2.jpg)
"What - it's doing it by itself lol!!!"
"Make cheese grate again"
sooooo sorry but your dad has to eat only fray bentos from now on. says so on the medical report
He is also allowed mentos for dessert.
yeah he actually has to eat mentos for dessert or he'll get told off
"but i don't normally bother with dessert"
- tough luck you are eating them
"how many must i consume??"
- enough to give you the shits
"oh no they have a laxative effect when harboured in abundance?"
- yep haha.
The Sinister City of Gary, Indiana
If you were aborted you've never lived!
Forrest Jump
Jumps around
Quote from: batwings on November 30, 2020, 07:36:02 AM
If you were aborted you've never lived!
Christopher Nolan's
Selfbortion, 2024
Lumbago: The musical.
edit- Original score by Ladysmith Black Boswego.
Oooooh I'm sorry mister lakeshaw I'm afraid you appear to have contracted labyrinth of the bollocks
It's not quite the same as being infertile, but it is the next best thing!
Would you prefer to just have gills
hello this is an entire thread all about whether you would prefer to just have gills rather than all this other apparatus you need to carry about
who doesn't love those gasping mouths at the surface of the water. one day that could be you!!
Fishier Fingers. Your move, Captain Birdseye.
Mrs Brown's Buoys
THE TRES BIEN
AAAARRRRRGGGH WHAT HORROR IS THIS
IT IS CALLED THE TRES BIEN
WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY MEAN. IT'S LIKE TAURN SHRUD OR MAN FROM GORURMN OR ONE OF THESE OTHER MYSTERIOUS AND SCARY ONES
THE TRES BIEN
[SHUDDER]
Quote from: frajer on November 30, 2020, 05:25:18 PM
Fishier Fingers. Your move, Captain Birdseye.
Fishier
Priced Fingers
Squidged Idits
Great portention fills the neighbourhood as Byron Welkshar-Ornio begins to drive his sandmine deep beneath the dirt of his garden.
His wife, the late Veronica Dewhurst, Livingston, erupts
Lionel Blair tags his new siblings with a passive-aggressive lean-to that he hopes they will pay for.
It reads:
Quote
Dear Family.
We hope you find this extension duly attached.
Yours, 'why if it isn't Lionel Blair'.
The next weekend, they are all found speared by a famished rooster. Coincidence?
Obesity trials
The Enormous Chegwin That Came And Ruined Everything
The Dave Greenwood Cast Of Palpably Gurning Screenactors and Guild
Furnished By Lightowls Automatix: Greenwich Tunnel and War Chest Presents I Seek Nearby Frost Tunnels and Lawn Pitch Gaining Altitude on "Medicative Journal Tries Beet'ooks and Defiles Pendiary Soughtafter Honeytrap near Placement Mountain"
....to a cinema near you
error: illegal protocol
>penis has turned grave
Shite out to help out.
pedantically insisting on saying "super mario broes" every single time he says it (and he says it at least twice every sentence)
Gerard Manley Hopkins? More like Retard Girly Plopkins.
A Breaking Bad musical titled 'I Am the One Who Rocks'
un-pickled onions.
A man enthusiastically sharing a video of himself which is called "Harvesting Buttocks My Own Way".
A thread in oscillations where you explaining that you are trying to expand your appreciation of music to songs that are not about arses, and asking for suggestions of any good songs that are not about arses.
alright guys sorry just passing through; need to stack up all these buttocks I have accumulated, like we all accumulate
pop them here! stack them up
just off to get some more
hi back with a few more buttocks, hang on, just stack these up, stacking them up here, don't mind me
back in a mo
final load, scuse me, just gonna stack up all these buttocks
ok cheers! see you later!!! i'll deal with all that stack of buttocks when i get back alright, byeee!
"Who was that man stacking up those buttocks? does he work here"
"I haven't ever seen him before"
"Nor have I"
*moment*
"He's not coming back is he"
*moment*
A snooker player chalks his cue with a stock cube. Not sure why.
The History of Kebabs, with Simon Shawarma
New griftin' right-wing piss poor comedian, taking it to the snowflakes down at Toby Young's free speech comedy club/wank booth.
Noah Fence.
Skittish widow Plaintaff Johnson pokes around in the bakery section furious that she can't locate any Sampson Longhair's All-Butter Anuses.
"Since my youth!" she keeps yammering. "Since my youth and now you claim to have never stocked them!!"
Chris Rea's new update 'Writhing Home For Christmas'
"Me car's knackered so I'm just gonna make me way draggin across on me front like a slug would, I still cannae wait to see those faces. Setting off now, like."
Les Dawson's Creek
Go to work in an egg.
Plastic Bertrand Russell Grant.
GapeCoin mining rig
Melted penis
The Imaginarium of Dr. Peen arse arse
Rattlesnakes going haywire and starting to punch baby dwarves
'Persona non grata' to the tune of Hakuna Matata
Quote from: pancreas on December 04, 2020, 05:19:16 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/DTiJ7fU.png)
Wasn't he also in Les Dante's Peak?
Quote from: non capisco on December 04, 2020, 12:20:43 AM
Chris Rea's new update 'Writhing Home For Christmas'
"Me car's knackered so I'm just gonna make me way draggin across on me front like a slug would, I still cannae wait to see those faces. Setting off now, like."
Strong Andrew Dawson vibes with this one, can just hear Bob groaning in the background.
How dare you. I am flouncing from CaB.
yeah, you have a point
Keanu Wreaths
Frank Barathea
Derek von Boner singen das Eidelweiss.
wecome to tier 1 - ah
tequila sex and mariwana
Boris Johnson injects himself live on television with covid vaccination
There is palpable mild jubilation within the studio at this historic moment
Then.... horror!.... the camera pans down and we notice that Boris Johnson has accidentally injected himself with a syringe that contained a BSE-infected beef burger.
He is rushed to hospital, still live on television. The camera waits outside. Suddenly, and without warning, Boris Johnson's face fills one of the windows of the hospital, gurning and spitting maniacally as new variant CJD irreversibly takes root within every strand of his DNA.
The Oswald Mosley Cantina Band.
Terry Wogan's guide to the pickled eggs of Ireland.
Lance Henriksen's Bishop-Baship-Boship Pie Emporium.
Kittens and bunnies go to a hard play centre on their birthdays.
Unclear what the opposite of a ball pit is. Sending kids up a mountain to play with needles.
Peter North comes at you fast.
Hooks and Grannies - magazine found in a gerontosadist's bottom drawer.
24 Then the Lord GODZILLA rained down burning sulfur on MECHA-SODOM and GAMERA—from the Lord out of the heavens. 25 Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, destroying all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land. 26 But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of rubber.
Samwise Gametes
Homeland & Awayland
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 08, 2020, 01:25:37 AM
Samwise Gametes
I think we should do our best to make these things a reality as far as possible, no matter how shit the execution.
(https://i.imgur.com/e00SgL3.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/SWMrHYS.png)
Only one Des could really be said to be Miserable there and that's being charitable. It's altogether a more inscrutable expression.
(https://i.imgur.com/GscWjAB.png)
MUCH BETTER
Shake n Vaccine
The Belly of Ballard Berkeley
The Bellend of Ballard Berkeley
The Ballad of Bellend Berkeley
The Ballad of Berkeley Belly
The Bollard of Ballard Berkeley
Goodness gracious, great balls!
MOST OBESE GENTLEMAN IN OHIO SOUGHT
TO BE INSTALLED IN DEPARTMENT STORE, NOT AS SANTA
PLEASE ONLY APPLY IF YOU ARE THE MOST OBESE GENTLEMAN IN OHIO
NO LYING THANK YOU!!
Quote from: Cuellar on December 12, 2020, 05:32:27 PM
Goodness gracious, great balls!
Nice avatar content combo
Goodness gracious, Martin Offiah
Bangladeshi orgasm factories.
A loaf of shredded wheat.
Nesting pelvises.
"I have straight-up bolognesed myself"
donating Zurich to Children In Need.
"Gilmore Girls" sounds like the fish equivalent of "Seymour Butts", maybe?
If you accept that "gilling" might be a sex move in the fish world.
"Taste" for all food items to be whittled down to
1) Mild
2) Medium
3) Moderate
4) Strong
5) Extra strong
so that, looking along the supermarket shelves, you're not really fussed about any other measurable differences between carrots and Edam, for example: they are both "1) Mild".
Quote from: ImmaculateClump on December 13, 2020, 09:59:09 AM
"Gilmore Girls" sounds like the fish equivalent of "Seymour Butts", maybe?
If you accept that "gilling" might be a sex move in the fish world.
Unfortunately I can't exist in a reality where "gill" is a verb. Sorry, but I am out.
South Yorkshire Pudding - like regular Yorkshire Pudding but with added grit and despair
Quote from: Pingers on December 13, 2020, 05:49:13 PM
South Yorkshire Pudding - like regular Yorkshire Pudding but with added grit and despair
Filled with sean beans
Quote from: Pingers on December 13, 2020, 05:49:13 PM
South Yorkshire Pudding - like regular Yorkshire Pudding but with added grit and despair
but less v-neck trousers
Thread to discuss merits of having pinned threads in HS ART.
Barry pins it at page 35.
Warren Zevon Simulator
In Robert Kilroy-Silk vino, Robert Kilroy-Silk's Verona's party.
Some sort of teasmade/penis beaker combo
EDIT- NEW PAGE CUNT AND PASTE
Bear grylls branded so it does bacon too
Syd Lidl and Aldi Large
Britain's Mildest Weather
Pick TV
Tuesday 6.45
The apple has fallen a long way from the tree, mister waynke
Bing's Bongs: a profile of Bing Crosby's little-known but extensive collection of experimental and unique smoking devices, including one made from one of Louis Armstrong's trumpets.
Mmm, dæmon.
Dr Oetker's House of Knives
Star Trek Deep Fake Nine (where all the characters are swapped for 9" cocks)
pornhub, except all the talent are legally obliged to advertise Heinz in all their videos
some kind of mercenary elastic band removal bloke who goes from house to house specifically to resolve elastic band related penis injuries
Quote from: Replies From View on November 22, 2020, 06:37:26 PM
New arcade machine has opened up in the seafront town of western super mare and it is called nothing
on the container is a big picture of a grinning face all happy chops, and the word nothing has a bespoke font
the screen is on and it has a playable version of the grinning happy chops face, except you don't exactly do anything with it, it's merely playable
then cutting through the shit there's a nicely scaled speaker hoiking out psychoacoustics and there's a pleasant coin slot in the groin of the machine for your quarters and daughters
worryingly accurate description of my childhood on weston Pier (the one that got burnt) there.
Quote from: Replies From View on November 27, 2020, 12:59:00 PM
"so this is Christmas....
and what have you done?"
(https://www.udiscovermusic.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/Happy-Xmas-John-Yoko.jpg)
"another year WASTED 😡😡😡😡😡"
It's another year
OVER and you know it.
STOP GETTING LENNON WRONG.
Quote from: Replies From View on November 28, 2020, 12:09:25 PM
hiiiii
good afternoon
your favourite computer game of all time is called BipBop 2
ok, cheers, see you later!
I loved that game. ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
I'm not even drunk btw.
The Queen's Spambit
A 16 part 4K journey around Her Majesty The Queen's private parts, hosted by Jill Dando's old boyfriend.
New bathroom routine:
1) bring dyson into bathroom. plug it into socket at end of corridor
2) clothes fully off
3) sit on toilet for shit
4) wipe, wash hands etc
5) don barbers cloak
6) shave beard (no. 1) and head (no.2)
7) set bath running
8) vacuum up all the hairs from floor
9) lie in bath
10) eat!
HYMNalaya with Michael PRAYlin
an awful kind of 'songs of praise' version of michael palin goes to the himalayas except it has been ruined by religious singing. he loves it though - he's going "much improved!"
The Zero Steps
(hitchcock film)
Jakey Chan
Albumen Jones and his trusty sidekick... no, actually Albumen Jones is all I got.
Albumen Jones and his Jostic Albumen
Battleship Pokemon
Geordie Racer and Their Flying Machines
Man in hartlipol caught trying to drown a butock
A greetings card like you can buy in Clintons or somewhere. On the front cover it has:
QuoteThe World's Stage is a Penis.......
You open it up and the message is completed:
Quote.....and so is Your Dad!!
something where a retired gingerbread man is training a physiotherapist how to rest his penis on your confused dad's arm
Happy New Ear
Bi-anuary.
Jarvis Presley: a cross between presenter Chris Jarvis and American music legend Elvis Presley.
Like Dr Pimple Popper, but he goes around making people's pimples worse until they are constantly weeping greenish pus.
Bird's Eye potato waaaaaaffffles, they're totally fucking mint.
Krav Maga my lord, Krav Maga
Oh loooord, Krav Maga.
Earth receive an honoured guest,
Barbara Windsor's laid to rest
Pat O'Banton
Lockdown 3: Electric Poo and Wee
Peking Roof -> Reeking Poof
I've got a big bowl of soup.
it's made from two different tins of soup mixed together..
anymore details and i fear i'd need to start a new thread.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on January 09, 2021, 01:01:03 PM
I've got a big bowl of soup.
it's made from two different tins of soup mixed together..
anymore details and i fear i'd need to start a new thread.
i respect your understanding of the format of this thread, and would like to hold this post up as a GENTLE REMINDER TO OTHERS
im talking about you replies
Clity-Clity-Bang Bang
TV pitch:
Jimmy Floyd Hassles Banks
Investigative journalist and former footballer Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink takes a deep dive into the murky world of online banking.
grapefrul windathon and lakethurst
Rick Mayall plays Kim in the Jong-Uns.
Tug of Whore
Anal discharge = discharse
Quote from: pancreas on January 10, 2021, 09:17:20 PM
Rick Mayall plays Kim in the Jong-Uns.
Sadly, I made that joke in the pub about 6 years ago so I'm afraid you owe me four thousand quid and a written agreement to never try that gag again :(
Fair enough. PM me your bank a/c and let's get this settled.
Glidoris
Pinocchio but every time he tells a lie he has to give the person he misled a fiver.
new channel 5 series called DADS WHO WANK; it's presented like one of those cop shows
The Houses Of Polo-Mints.
Two advanced drivers backing up on a double dildo. Both called Mr Harris.
startling discoveries made entirely with piss, by piss
for example penicillin
pleased as punch, a man just standing there with his foreskin stretched over a bollard
you're driving past weston-super-mare in your cadillacked sports car, when you espy a giant "signage" for a beauty pageant happening right this very moment
coo, you think to yourself. sounds like just my kind of afternoon
you park your car up and go into the fucking building where it's happening. inside the beauty pageant there's all these clones of fireman sam on a conveyor belt having their uniforms ripped off
you still watch it to the end, though
100 funniest celebrity sharts
How about this right: all the children see signs for a FUN RACE and they're running all up and down the hills following the signs for the FUN RACE thinking ah, i wonder what the prize will be for winning the FUN RACE and then they go over the last hill and Argh! Oh no! It's a FURNACE! and they all burn up.
You're watching CNN, there's all crowds of Trump supports there saying "stop the count" and all this, and all of a sudden you recognise your dad amongst them, being bummed.
Quote from: Gregory Torso on January 11, 2021, 02:26:35 PM
How about this right: all the children see signs for a FUN RACE and they're running all up and down the hills following the signs for the FUN RACE thinking ah, i wonder what the prize will be for winning the FUN RACE and then they go over the last hill and Argh! Oh no! It's a FURNACE! and they all burn up.
Well, I like it. I don't know about the others.
Children of Phlegm.
Weston-super-Merde
glut of ill-educated buffoons getting into the habit of saying 'arse-throb' instead of 'heart-throb'
must have copied it incorrectly based on how they thought it sounded, and they think they've got it right and are profoundly proud of themselves
(https://i.imgur.com/dMmroVb.png)
one at a time we have to meet george jetson, and we each independently realise that he's an arrogant prick
#nevermeetyourheroes
Quote from: Replies From View on January 11, 2021, 11:17:53 AM
new channel 5 series called DADS WHO WANK; it's presented like one of those cop shows
with the little animated profile screens so you remember what each dad's special hobby is and why they have tat related to that hobby about the house all the time
the hobby is wanking for all of them
Atora! Atora! Atora!
Epic dramatisation of that time the Japanese Air Fleet attacked a box of beef suet
One Foot In The Nothing
Victor Meldrew fails to have one foot in anything - with hilarious consequences!!
Otis Redding's Doin'd Heddin
blackpool pier knobbly grave competition
where relatives come up to the very end of the pier to an antiques roadshow style of arrangement, tables and everything and elderly grave experts
who say things like: "well this is a knobbly gravestone to be sure, ms lakeside, but what you lack here is the rest of the entire grave"
and like in blue peter where they can't return the pictures people send in, so it goes with this knobby grave competition, where all the gravestones and other bits of grave get hoiked over the end of the pier to be broken down by blackpool water masses
even when the owner is saying "noo noo please don't hoik it over, i am right here and can take it home really easily..... no it is my beloved stanley's remains!!!!' *HOIK*
woman comes in proper seething
she's like this: an adult has pissed all inside the toilet without flushing it again
and you're like this: an adult?!
like how can you possibly know it's an adult
and she's adamant that you can tell a child's piss from an adult's piss by the volume of the piss.
you say but it's sitting the toilet bowl right? how can you tell what the volume of the piss was?
and she's fucked off with you now and decides it must have been you who did it
'Texted' Jason
Check out Jason - he's received a 'text'!
spaghetti hoops / hula hoops mashup.
Quote from: pancreas on January 14, 2021, 05:22:57 PM
spaghetti hoops / hula hoops mashup.
In America, they call Hula Hoops "Hula 'O's".
They will call this mash-up "Uh-Ohs".
I was thinking about exercise hula hoops made of spaghetti
Quote from: pancreas on January 14, 2021, 09:19:24 PM
I was thinking about exercise hula hoops made of spaghetti
And what happened?
Gary-Anne Faithfull
did you just cease to exist at that point? how did you get home?!
That song "Var mein cripes I can scarcely believe it; I've never been so far displanted from house" except it is translated into German and being sung on Top of the Pops more angrily than ever by climate change deniers
Searching job sites for "racist", "murderer", "fuck", "paedophile", that sort of thing
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on January 15, 2021, 05:24:07 PM
this one gets it
Once upon a time there was a mouse and it
there that's it I'm afraid. No more story, THE END
it's sheer bedlam this
The Pants You Will Wear On The Day You Die
hosted by Denis Norden
Quote from: Replies From View on January 15, 2021, 05:47:33 PM
Once upon a time there was a mouse and it
this would have been fine
pedestrian but fine.
all the other shite underneath, couldnt even bring my self to read it
got you something replys
https://tinyurl.com/y4s75ul5
Anyway who needs to know how many hard boiled eggs there are.
I'll tell you anyway in case you are in too much of a hurry: there are two hard boiled eggs.
Gook Klux Klan
Cheers
Görbling Turps Paulin
in an untimely move, your dad is now fixated with riverdance and is blankly refusing to discuss anything else
trebor sausage mints
learning the guitar is all very well and good john, but you won't earn a living by ramming it up your aunt mimi's clunge
A marching thread
"So will you please welcome to the stage: sexy jaundiced motherfucka...... PETE COLEMAN!!!!!!"
And this lovely gentle fellow takes to the microphone and nobody for the life of them can work out why he was introduced like that.
(https://snusercontent.global.ssl.fastly.net/member-headshot-square-large/84/4905084_10978254.jpg)
When he is at his lowest ebb, see Donald Trump with everything but his pants off, jerking his body from left to right to the rhythm: I'M HORNY. HORNY HORNY HORNY.
and he's doing it in the blue peter garden
Microsoft Incel Spreadsheets
Megane Three Stallion
Marioland Monroe
Marioland Manson
Crowds of pissed English knobs all thronging back and forth with their flags and their MEGA hats: MAKE ENGLAND GREAT AGAIN, they think it means.
They don't seem to have noticed that this is the flag beneath the MEGA lettering:
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/71/Flag_of_Ethiopia.svg/800px-Flag_of_Ethiopia.svg.png)
A conveyor belt of endless donald trumps all having their anuses rhythmically swapped back and forth to the accompaniment of 'donald, where's your troosers'.
Quote from: Replies From View on January 23, 2021, 02:27:42 PM
A conveyor belt of endless donald trumps all having their anuses rhythmically swapped back and forth to the accompaniment of 'donald, where's your troosers'.
this is pretty much the climax of the book Antkind by Charlie Kaufman
bassoon is now
Romo-cop
Just heard that hardly anyone is making oboes nowadays, so kazoocop is a more likely outcome
everyone happy with that? just asking you as a formality really as it is a fait accompli
Phenomenon Gray's Partially Inverted Defiler Syrup
Self awarewolf
The post modern monster hated by all
Mojocop
"Dead or alive, you're coming with me...to watch Wilco play!"
"Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there is a Pet Sounds listening party happening!"
Oh, Mojocop!
Postman Patman
Fresh Prince of Bell-End
Hector O'Normative
Big cartoon character
Quote from: pancreas on January 25, 2021, 11:48:04 PM
Postman Patman
Post-Pat
A children's tv show about the aftermath of changing identity. In Wales.
Post-It Pat
He has very little 'stick' left because of the black-and-white cat hairs everywhere, so he spends most of his life on the ground being trodden on.
Fish & Crisps
David Lee Broth
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on January 26, 2021, 05:24:16 PM
David Lee Broth
This has been got. (https://www.google.com/search?q=David+Lee+Broth&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=o_jxh0JksqujsM%252CZ8rmzNAJQNUQ2M%252C_&vet=1&usg=AI4_-kQiCzBJNYMYGEycQRiXf8c_wEhKyA&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjR8PKYj7ruAhVwQUEAHTl3BOsQ9QF6BAgVEAE&biw=1334&bih=766#imgrc=o_jxh0JksqujsM)
Quote from: pancreas on January 26, 2021, 05:26:53 PM
This has been got. (https://www.google.com/search?q=David+Lee+Broth&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=o_jxh0JksqujsM%252CZ8rmzNAJQNUQ2M%252C_&vet=1&usg=AI4_-kQiCzBJNYMYGEycQRiXf8c_wEhKyA&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjR8PKYj7ruAhVwQUEAHTl3BOsQ9QF6BAgVEAE&biw=1334&bih=766#imgrc=o_jxh0JksqujsM)
sake
what about posthuman pat?
can i have that?
Posthumous Pat?
Zombie remake?
Potable Pat
Yum!
Post Manpat
Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Lala and Po(stman Pat)
Post-man man-pat
Postman Pacman
"WAKA WAKA WAKA MRS. GOGGINS"
Preman Pat
Pokemon Pat
Trying to get one more shave out of a razor blade that's clearly too blunt Tony
Post-rock Pat and his band Godspeed! You Black And White Cat.
Ham sanitizer
Hand Granitiser
Makes your hands go all elderly like your gran's
ARRRGGGH MY HANDS ARE GORN CRINKLED they exclaim and their voice turns elderly as well like in Snow White when the witch becomes an old woman
Meant to be localised to the hands but it goes into the voice
Hand Manatiser
Turns your hands all rough and hairy.
Hand Manateeser
Turns your hands into grey flippers.
Hand Malteser
Turns your hands into chocolate covered malt balls.
Simon Peggs Your Washing Out
Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on January 27, 2021, 11:42:48 AM
Hand Malteser
Turns your hands into centrist melt/edglelord mashup poster
ftfy
If Liam Gallagher had a Youtube gaming channel, it would be called O-Play-Sis.
If Liam Gallagher had a vampire as a female sibling, he would call her a No-Day-Sis.
If Liam Gallagher was sat down by a doctor and told he had a homosexual skin lump he might say, "Oh-a-gay-cyst?"
And the doctor would say "yes."
Quote from: Dex Sawash on January 27, 2021, 12:09:19 PM
ftfy
Quote from: Barry AdminLeave chocolate-handed cunts in the past
Quote from: frajer on January 27, 2021, 12:39:01 PM
If Liam Gallagher was sat down by a doctor and told he had a homosexual skin lump he might say, "Oh-a-gay-cyst?"
And the doctor would say "yes."
If he was from Newcastle and saw his sororal relation in the toon he would say "howay, sis".
And she would say "yes."
If Liam Gallagher had to count two notes on a rising scale and then state what he does out of his cock he'd say Doe Ray Piss
and any nearby doctor would say "yep"
Quote from: Replies From View on January 27, 2021, 02:12:11 PM
If Liam Gallagher had to count two notes on a rising scale and then state what he does out of his cock he'd say Doe Ray Piss
and any nearby doctor would say "yep"
The Doctor would then write on his clipboard for a few seconds, push his glasses up his nose and say "I would also have accepted Doe Ray Jizz."
Paedophilia Allegations Simulator
4.5* - Strategy
500K downloads
£2.99
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 27, 2021, 08:36:57 PM
Paedophilia Allegations Simulator
4.5* - Strategy
500K downloads
£2.99
"Employment = BBC" adds +2 to credibility rolls and confers bonus effect 'Establishment Protection' against all accusations for next 20 turns.
£3.99 to plug the simulator into your Facebook account so that all your friends can see the allegations spinning around you in real life.
Post hoc Pat and his Propter hoc Cat
Breaking News: Biden Turns Penis To The Peak District
Your dad is on the news, turns out he is a different kind of hominid than we initially suspected.
Hi my name is maniac manson. I am a lucasarts game all about cricketer brian warner - the brains behind such cartoon phenomena as bugsy malone and daffys gin
Hi my name is Grumbleweed Park - the spiritual successor to Marilyn Monroe.
Barcode Barracuda
Barackode bama was my preferred Top Trumps product scanner
Comedians in Cars Getting Covid
Quote from: Chollis on January 29, 2021, 04:14:42 PM
Comedians in Cars Getting Covid
This is incredible because it makes me realise there could feasibly be a programme I would excitedly watch Jim Davidson in.
1. Sir John Betjeman reading the "finger of fudge is just enough" ad copy to musical backing like in those albums he did in the 70s
2. Someone (child in playground?) insisting that the theme to the Sopranos ("woke up this morning, got myself a gun") was sung by James Gandolfini, the same way we all used to think Rodney sang the OFAH theme.
Sweet home Al-Qaeda
Building Streams With A Grain Of Salt.
Some kind of Twitch thing to do with DJ Shadow. Dunno.
man standing at a bathroom sink, stirring a shocking quantity of bristles down its plughole with his cock
gonna make it block I'm sure
I'm still glanding
Not sure what glanding is
Gerontopaed
How much is that doggy in the window?
The one that keeps texting me "fail".
The Eiffel Tower was originally going to be called The Eiffel Towels.
I'm aware that you're probably thinking of Fawlty Towers sign anagrams now but this is a true fact. In French, "towels" are essentially large flannels[nb]small towels[/nb] that human beings[nb]hominids of the french sapiens variet[/nb] use to dry their always-damp bodies[nb]limbs and organs[/nb].
The Eiffel Towels concept pursued the French dream of the ever-dry or "parchment"; "To be parched," Jean-Paul Satre once wrote, "is to be entwined with the Earth from birth."
PJ Harvey and Duncan
"Why aye man keep them dorty pillurs away from me man"
Quote from: Pink Gregory on February 02, 2021, 05:52:49 PM
PJ Harvey and Duncan
"Why aye man keep them dorty pillurs away from me man"
Wur you keep gettin nosebleeds on the covers man
Edit: double post
Quote from: frajer on February 02, 2021, 12:37:55 AM
How much is that doggy in the window?
The one that keeps texting me "fail".
lovely
Jools' annual Hassenhuttl
Gayness Moderation Federation
they hover around everyone all the time and they swipe at your hands whenever you lift them up at a vaguely limp angle and things like this. they seem to think that they are an invisible intervention but they are not, plus they stink to high heaven because they never wash and they shit in their pants all day
quite a stressful society to be part of if truth be told
Food Daleks
Lads rushing out of co-op bank holding their buttocks open and screaming for dear life
it is a mystery as to why
Bread Bread Redemption
Some sort of kitchen odyssey.
Brokebread Mountain
some fuckin barebacked jesus shit, thorn scars all over the fuckin shop
"bread for you, bread for you, bread for you, miraculously multiplying"
mate you have loads of bread so what. you are inclining me to be actively ungrateful for your efforts
The Golden Dad Nominations
exactly like the Golden Globe nominations, except Dad instead of Globe
Martin Bashir Eye for the Hate Guy
The nation's favourite Lady Di prodder gives Gavin McInnes a total fashion makeover, trying on a range of colourful Fred Perry tops. In the end Gav sticks with his trademark black and yellow.
why won't these fashion experts just LEAVE NEIL INNES alone now??
Beating up a car like Street Fighter II but turns out it's the mayor's car and you're utterly fucked.
your dad has a clockwork anus
Leaf it in the past: Duncan Goodhew on arboreal forgiveness.
Triple unsalted butter
Quote from: Replies From View on February 03, 2021, 10:32:44 AM
Lads rushing out of co-op bank holding their buttocks open and screaming for dear life
it is a mystery as to why
love it
Quote from: frajer on February 03, 2021, 01:17:31 PM
Beating up a car like Street Fighter II but turns out it's the mayor's car and you're utterly fucked.
mate, that was
the mayors entire car you punched up just then!!!yes all of it!!!
Just gonna sit around eating banana bread that someone else made and get all of my wanking finished off
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on February 03, 2021, 09:38:32 PM
mate, that was the mayors entire car you punched up just then!!!
yes all of it!!!
A dozen witnesses including the mayor's aide. You're never seeing daylight again chum, mayor's gonna have your arse in a baguette.
Only Fools/Scientology crossover called Cassandra's Miscavige. Details sketchy, maybe co-starring Dexter Fletcher
Churls Gone Wild
Dullest sequel ever - Apollo 14: Mission Accomplished
Bill and Inverted's Excellent Adventure
Serf's Up!
Medieval game show
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0SqsxhDUSM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0SqsxhDUSM)
lockdown veneration hub
Aufedasane in Der Membrane
Al-Qaedazane Pet
A thread asking whether dogs really exist
A thread making a big deal about balloons not having their knots done properly
A thread casting whiplash to the trend and getting all buttocks unsubscribed in naked parsimony
A thread weaventoad
A thread saying marblearch gehen sie, and the tired roster it accommons
and pipes up about 25 seconds since you last did this or that
A thread where we ultimately agree to perpetually change Richard Lester's wikipedia credit on Superman 2 and Superman 3 to Blake Edwards.
A thread about cookies and mint icedfather
Quote from: Replies From View on February 06, 2021, 05:30:12 PM
A thread asking whether dogs really exist
https://birdsarentreal.com/pages/the-history
will this do?
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on February 06, 2021, 10:22:43 PM
https://birdsarentreal.com/pages/the-history
will this do?
what kind of dogs are they
i tried my best
OK??
A thread about phoning up your bank or whatever and when they bring up your details to look at you gradually hear them laughing at your okcupid profile and your pornhub search history
matter of fact my kitchen at 3.30 a.m.
Quote from: Gregory Torso on February 06, 2021, 10:54:52 PM
matter of fact my kitchen at 3.30 a.m.
Mice and unwashed dishes, but it's like ratatouille and they all dance about (fastidiously avoiding the mousetraps like a load of cunts) or some shit.
a thread about how you would cope after your arm suddenly fell off one day with absolutely no advance warning whatsoever
Quote from: Replies From View on February 07, 2021, 10:04:37 AM
a thread about how you would cope after your arm suddenly fell off one day with absolutely no advance warning whatsoever
#wankingthread
a thread about someone from across the road always using your house to store his christmas decorations and getting arsey if you tell him your house isn't his loft
a thread about a version of manimal that can't control what he becomes, with many episodes being entirely wasted because he transforms into an aardvark or a leopard gecko or something
Quote from: Replies From View on February 07, 2021, 11:47:08 AM
a thread about a version of manimal that can't control what he becomes, with many episodes being entirely wasted because he transforms into an aardvark or a leopard gecko or something
STUDIO NOTES: SCRIPT REJECTED
"He is ONLY EVER a PANTHER or a HAWK!
Read the SERIES GUIDELINES and UNDERSTAND THEM!!!!"
Quote from: non capisco on February 07, 2021, 12:00:30 PM
STUDIO NOTES: SCRIPT REJECTED
"He is ONLY EVER a PANTHER or a HAWK!
Read the SERIES GUIDELINES and UNDERSTAND THEM JACKIE WEAVER!!!!"
a thread where james bond is trying to push sweets on everyone (and these sweets convert ordinary citizens into james bond villains)
(yes - it's a thread where this happens, not a film which is then discussed in a thread)
a thread where everyone angrily bickers over which pink panther film is the best one
a thread with the title
Salvatore "Robert" Loggiaand you excitedly open it to read the first post, which is this:
QuoteWEARS THE FUCKING CLOSURE
which makes your entire day, to be honest. lustrous doesn't cover it
A knight in Simon Schama
You're the chief executive boss bloke of MGM now and starting to get script ideas from your staff. there's a flavour in the air of doing some 'vs' movies, so you ask your script boffins to come up with some ideas and the suggestions you get back are
west side story vs your dad's cock
a christmas vacation vs your dad's cock
peter's friends vs your dad's cock
my dinner with andre vs your dad's cock
baffled, you check your sent emails. and sure enough, you espy your mistake:
Quoteplease try to make every suggestion be about an existing film vs my dad's cock
whoops!
so you delete that line, send the email again, and the suggestions you receive after that are far more sensible
Quote from: Replies From View on February 07, 2021, 01:18:30 PM
You're the chief executive boss bloke of MGM now and starting to get script ideas from your staff. there's a flavour in the air of doing some 'vs' movies, so you ask your script boffins to come up with some ideas and the suggestions you get back are
west side story vs your dad's cock
a christmas vacation vs your dad's cock
peter's friends vs your dad's cock
my dinner with andre vs your dad's cock
baffled, you check your sent emails. and sure enough, you espy your mistake:
whoops!
so you delete that line, send the email again, and the suggestions you receive after that are far more sensible
REPORTED
Maglite with vape capability. No idea what to call it.
a thread about ooooohhhhh doesn't christopher reeve look young these days
a thread about WOULD YOU SEPARATE YOURSELF INTO TWO PARTS AND THEN TRY TO SQUISH THE 'GOOD' PART IN A CAR CRUSHER
a thread about it's easier than going to a toilet to just piss yourself there and then
just wear plenty of cosy wintery layers to absorb all the liquid *thumbs up*
One of those newfangled television "adverts" with techno music and pulsing colours and the item or service (it's unclear which) is called PAGE-A-GAY
Woman opens up the locket around her neck, lovingly shows you the picture inside. It is of your dad's cock.
Thread about that old aunt mimi again, nagging
JOHN IT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD HAVING A CARPET BUT YOU WON'T EARN A LIVING BY IT
motto of that thread: FUCKIN' AUNT MIMI!!!
JOHN IT IS ALL WELL AND GOOD USING YOUR EYES TO SEE BUT YOU WON'T EARN A FUCKIN LIVING BY IT
JOHN IT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD SIPHONING OFF ALL YOUR BODILY WASTES INTO A PORCELAIN SEWERAGE RECLAIMANT DEVICE BUT YOU WON'T EARN A FUCKIN LIVING BY IT
Altogether now: FUCKIN' AUNT MIMI!!!
A thread about your dad bellowing WIPE OVER THEM as he forces you to erase all your most beloved audio and video cassettes
All the different experiences we have all had of that, weeping.
Temporally De-engineered Buttock Syndrome or TDBS
a thread called The Buttocks of a Gentleman all about a stoic period drama film called The Buttocks of a Gentleman
a thread called Grave Lightly about a panic-inducing state of commonplace reconfiguration devised in place for the mandibles to conspire.
Paul Rudd Chews The Cud, only on Hulu
a thread called WILL IT POST
using vintage stamps instead of current ones and seeing if it will still post
a thread called HULU's GULU
about a man obsessed with eating Hula Hoops that have been laced with UHU glue
a thread called FABRICATED ANUS WIPES
about the turns and tables of a man whose entire McIntyre is the process of fabricating ordinary household items like Pampers, but during the pandemic he is swept up into the world of anus wipes and becomes a millionaire overnight
a thread called IT AIN'T MISTLETOE
following the flawed adventures of a MILF STALKING INCEL who can't tell apart all the different sprigs of plant
Superman has to go all the way to Krypton to get dressed
Little Trouble In Big China - Ralf Little, Syd Little and Lil Wayne take on the People's Liberation Army.
Steve Penk's Paper Round Of Excrement
phat ass white girl census
for dessert have you tried rolling in dogshit?
Kay Cole
Quote from: Gregory Torso on February 09, 2021, 04:32:46 PM
for dessert have you tried rolling in dogshit?
this is a common misconception
Quote from: Replies From View on February 09, 2021, 07:21:24 PM
this is a common misconception
You mean you should roll in dogshit before a meal?
Quote from: Gregory Torso on February 09, 2021, 07:25:26 PM
You mean you should roll in dogshit before a meal?
You'll ruin your appetite
Quote from: Gregory Torso on February 09, 2021, 07:25:26 PM
You mean you should roll in dogshit before a meal?
it is a common misconception, that's all :(
Global Hypercummer
a thread about whether you should let incels into your house for five bucks a throw
Dead Ringers but during the pandemic.
some kind of buttocks manufacturing plant going haywire
Quote from: Replies From View on February 10, 2021, 09:38:48 PM
some kind of buttocks manufacturing plant going haywire
Hundreds of custom made buttocks being recalled.
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on February 10, 2021, 09:42:24 PM
Hundreds of custom made buttocks being recalled.
"This entire batch of number 4s has got a crack in em! No, not like that."
Reese's Penises
Christopher Reeve's Omar Sharif
Thora Hird Frozen Burgers
You're Sarah Payne
You probably think this law is about you, don't you?
Quote from: Fr.Bigley on February 11, 2021, 11:26:28 AM
Thora Hird Frozen Burgers
This is what we used to call those people who were trying to smuggle themselves within the wheel arches of aeroplanes and were discovered splatted in Richmond Park.
(This is true and not a sick joke.)
The Mangalorian
👆 manga instead of manda
much like the mandalorian in every way, except everyone in it is a cartoon school girl with a disturbingly short skirt with visible knickers and a constant coquettish smirk
Quote from: Replies From View on February 11, 2021, 12:42:09 PM
This is what we used to call those people who were trying to smuggle themselves within the wheel arches of aeroplanes and were discovered splatted in Richmond Park.
(This is true and not a sick joke.)
Fuck that's grim.
Quote from: Fr.Bigley on February 11, 2021, 12:50:46 PM
Fuck that's grim.
Very true. I bamlem
Fr.Bigley for bringing it up.
Sax over the phone
Call 1-8000-BIG SAX BOYS to play your saxophone with other players by telephone!
Hanukkah Rice
pamphlet regarding the protocol of awarding a contestant with the bonus arse
Quote from: Replies From View on February 11, 2021, 12:48:54 PM
The Mangalorian
👆 manga instead of manda
(http://s3.amazonaws.com/pix.iemoji.com/images/emoji/apple/ios-12/256/backhand-index-pointing-up.png)
manga instead of
mandado you see
so for example:
Quote from: Replies From View on February 11, 2021, 12:48:54 PM
much like the mandalorian in every way, except everyone in it is a cartoon school girl with a disturbingly short skirt with visible knickers and a constant coquettish smirk
hopefully this has helped you understand
a thread called i hear you are elisa lam and you are on netflix now father
and it's quite viciously accusing your dad of being elisa lam this whole time just so he'd get a netflix episode
a thread called you used to absolutely love playing with your grandfather, what's changed???
it's your dad asking this question and you're like dad, you're 75 years old and granddad has been dead since the mid 90s mate. plus i never loved playing with him anyway; he was just an old man we visited on boxing day who inhaled snuff and ignored me
but your dad's still like this: what has possessed you to stop playing with your grandfather
Anthea Turner Downa Da Food.
Anthea Turner pisses off Italian restaurants by passing brittle judgements about the size of the portions. Commission me, Beeb.
Hyacinth has another grown up son called Gary.
"The Bouquet residence, the LEGEND of the house speaking" is how he answers Hyacinth's white slimline telephone while scratching his hair balls with the other.
Hyacinth runs in with an implement "Gary, if you must itch your dumplings, use a ball scratcher"
The sosspit
from now on instead of "respond" you have to say "respawn"
do you see: manga instead of manda
Quote from: Replies From View on February 11, 2021, 10:26:01 PM
(http://s3.amazonaws.com/pix.iemoji.com/images/emoji/apple/ios-12/256/backhand-index-pointing-up.png)
manga instead of manda
do you see
so for example:
hopefully this has helped you understand
Why are you like this
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on February 12, 2021, 10:45:18 PM
Why are you like this
did you understand or must I explain it again
What would you do if you had access to a holodeck?
I wouldn't use it to talk to famous 20th century historical figures, that's for certain. Ooh, tea with JFK and Al Capone, how exciting (!)
I would. I'd take it to the set of Back to the Future Part III and ask what that kid is playing at pointing at his own cock
so many things you could be pointing at and you've chosen your cock, mate
WERE GOING TO NEED TO BUILD A BIGGER NANDOS
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on February 13, 2021, 09:25:13 PM
WERE GOING TO NEED TO BUILD A BIGGER NANDOS
WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BRING IN TWO OF EACH ANIMAL, NOAH, YOU ABSOLUTE DUNCE
a thread called why not play golf with your friends
a thread called what is the oldest that jools holland has ever been
a thread called your eyes have grown substantially tinier, Mr Schwarzenegger
a thread called could you turn an alive polar bear into a comfy bean bag within one day
a thread called opportunities for up-cycling mildewed sponges
the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, with peter jones from dragon's den as the book
A thread about art forgery called This Forum's Attitude to Monet Making
Quote from: Replies From View on February 15, 2021, 12:34:08 PM
the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, with peter jones from dragon's den as the book
The voice of, or, like, physically in place of?
Quote from: touchingcloth on February 15, 2021, 02:40:17 PM
The voice of, or, like, physically in place of?
Could try both
children's TV presenter, wearing nothing except purple tights and rushing around municipal parklands bellowing "WHO PUT THE PUNK IN SPUNK" at families out for a nice walk.
A starling-based hedge fund
Dragnet's Den
starring Peter Jones from off of Dragons Den as Jack Webb
and Deborah Weed-on is allowed to be in it
a thread called which horses are still available
Cryptocurrency 'Paedocoin'
Thread mocking users who have not turned off xmas avatars yet
"I should have been anything but with buttocks of Brie..."
[pulls down pants, revealing that his bare buttocks have been constructed of Brie, and there is a label "been like this since birth" spiked in with a cocktail stick. And then the song immediately ends before even the second line]
Bumbaclot Gascgoine.
Lego Gary
Narwhalmart
Terence Stamp...s on your nuts
Bono: Paranormal Investigator
Winnie the Paed
Winnie Mandela
The Pooh
Guantanamoaty
non capisco's Plonker Disco
My new disco covers act but all the songs are now about Rodney Trotter
Last Night Rodney Trotter Saved My Life
Rodney Trotter's The Greatest Dancer
Rodney Trotter Inferno
Yes, Rodney Trotter, I Can Boogie
Won't You Take Rodney Trotter To Funky Town?
Blame It On Rodney Trotter
Rodney Trotter Will Survive
That's The Way (Rodney Trotter Likes It)
Ring Dave's Bell (Trigger Remix)
You Make Rodney Trotter Feel (Mighty Real)
You get the idea with that.
Quote from: non capisco on February 18, 2021, 11:07:07 PM
non capisco's Plonker Disco
My new disco covers act but all the songs are now about Rodney Trotter
Last Night Rodney Trotter Saved My Life
Rodney Trotter's The Greatest Dancer
Rodney Trotter Inferno
Yes, Rodney Trotter, I Can Boogie
Won't You Take Rodney Trotter To Funky Town?
Blame It On Rodney Trotter
Rodney Trotter Will Survive
That's The Way (Rodney Trotter Likes It)
Ring Dave's Bell (Trigger Remix)
You Make Rodney Trotter Feel (Mighty Real)
You get the idea with that.
not sure i quite understand this
could you do a few more examples
Rodney Trotter Talkin'
Rodney Trotter Feels Love
Rodney Trotter Should Be Dancing
Shake Rodney Trotter's Body (Down To The Ground)
Rodney Trotter Gets a Kick Out of You
Dancing Rodney
Super Rodney Trotter
Train to Rodney Trotter
Guns of Rodney
54-46 was Rodney Trotter's number
Rodney Trotter A Message to You
Rodney Trotter at C&A
Blame it on Rodney Trotter
Rod Rod Song
A Do Rod Rod
Terrance Trent-University Derby Team.
Edit- fuckitgonnabeathread
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on February 19, 2021, 07:24:18 PM
Dancing Rodney
Super Rodney Trotter
Train to Rodney Trotter
Guns of Rodney
54-46 was Rodney Trotter's number
Rodney Trotter A Message to You
Rodney Trotter at C&A
Blame it on Rodney Trotter
Rod Rod Song
A Do Rod Rod
right, so theyre all disco songs, i get THAT bit.... but that cant be it can it? do a couple more
Eton dog mess
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on February 19, 2021, 11:01:44 PM
right, so theyre all disco songs, i get THAT bit.... but that cant be it can it? do a couple more
Rodney Trotter's Way
Rodneys In The Night
Big Big Rodney Trotter
Stand By Your Rodney Trotter
Windows tech support engineers discuss their favourite Blue Screen of Death.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on February 20, 2021, 02:14:35 PM
Windows tech support engineers discuss their favourite Blue Screen of Death.
Mines the last intact porthole on the costa concordia.
Chillin' out max 'n relaxin' all cool 'n all shootin' some people outside of the school
Bad Boon Rising : Zombie Michael Elphick terrorizes South Acton
Semi-conscious - sentient penis
(https://i.postimg.cc/yYTc3cjb/unnamed-2.jpg)
Sequel to Batman Forever showing the security guard who Two-Face put in the bank vault at home
"Oh no! It's spilt orange juice"
"Oh no! I've pissed on the seat"
"Can I borrow this?" Val Kilmer Batman pulls out his throat box.
oscillations threads:
GET DAFT PUNK DONE
The Beatles are fucking
Should I sell my complete cunt on the corner?
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on February 20, 2021, 02:13:20 PM
Rodney Trotter's Way
Rodneys In The Night
Big Big Rodney Trotter
Stand By Your Rodney Trotter
got it now thanks
A thread called Your Neck Is On The Salting Line
This Is Your Life, except it's about your dad being a cock blocker
the anus next door
"welcome, my name is mark twain"
you turn in the direction of this voice, intrigued to catch a glimpse of this 'mark twain' scallywag-type bloke.
yet again it's your dad and he has his knob out. once again he has tricked you.
Duncan Norvelle/Nirvana act - songs to include: 'Chase Me', actually that's all
A thread called shirts ruined by errant lawnmower
Multiple Male Orgasms? Refractory Period Gone!
a thread called multilingual mother teresas on sale here
a thread called doctor doolittle wanks at the animals
a thread called yo-yo temples and micturation therapies 2018
A new series of Masterchef, but the judges can only say "om nom nom"
an old series of masterchef, except all the characters in it have been replaced with glifford lymon and he's constantly wearing someone else's clothes
An old season of Masterchef, but Gregg Wallace is digitally replaced with a salt shaker.
Singing 'digital resources' along to the tune of St. Vincent's 'Digital Witness'
Red sky at night
Spoiler alert
Rapper's delight
Red sky in the mornin'
Spoiler alert
Bell Biv DeVoe
your dad's in the kitchen, a scowl of determination on his face, smoke billowing everywhere, sound of crazy frying in the pan. you open the window to let some of the smoke out and waft what you can away from the smoke detector.
you're like this: "cough, splutter, smells nice, what you cooking"
and your dad's like this: "anus fritters"
and so you look down at the pan, and low and behold that's exactly what he's cooking
Onedivision comic book hero who with help from a domestic partner is able to divide any number by one
There's probably a tv show too
One Direction as a super team with X-Men style mutant powers.
opposed by a bitter victim mentally and physically scarred by phimosis treatment and left permanently hard as a result
Contemporary research showing that Eidelweiss is a song that everyone - everyone, without exception - completely loves with all their heart, to the extent that they would opt to die than not hear it at least 50 times per day
Crotch Armstrong
Arm Crotchstrong
Stretch Arsewrong
You only fart twice
Or so it seems
One caused by curry
One caused by your beans
You whiff through the years
A fart you will aim
It smells of wet poo
Which is a real shame
Vax my bitch up.
looking for a needle in a bumcrack
bumgro entertainments
a thread called will there ever be a movie made that is longer than two hours
The disappearance of SHAMON! Matthews
Welcome to my bunghole
We got fun and games
Dad's Army but Cpl Jones is replace by the drill sergeant arsehole from Full Metal Jacket.
Starting a new embalming service: 'Crem Fresh'
Quote from: Norton Canes on March 03, 2021, 09:23:06 AM
Starting a new embalming service: 'Crem Fresh'
"You kill 'em, we grill 'em!"
-Does your dog bite?
-No
-I thought you said your dog does not bite
-I said no such thing!
-Does your dog bite?
-No
-I thought you said your dog does not bite
-Are you bitten?
-No
-Well then
-Will your dog bite me?
-No
-Please
-Does your dog bite?
-He's biting you right now
-:(
-I want to see your dog bite
-Why?
-Because that's my thing
-Bite my balls
-I beg your pardon?
-I mean, does your dog bite?
-Does your dog bite?
-Yes
-And?
-And nothing. He bites
-Cool story brah
-Does your dog bite?
-All animals bite
-Does it lay eggs?
-Does your dog apologise?
-If there's a need for it
-You're a good man
-Does your dog read minds?
-Does yours?
-I think so, he watches me
-Does your dog bite these?
-Woooow there
Someone is going to tell you off for that one. If it has more than about one sentence then it apparently cannot comprise only one idea (according to them, not me).
Quote from: Replies From View on March 03, 2021, 07:11:15 PM
Someone is going to tell you off for that one. If it has more than about one sentence then it apparently cannot comprise only one idea (according to them, not me).
long as you like, so long as you dont overexplain it
god im pathetic
its literally all i got, this thread
Thalidofido, the dog
Brigstock, the festival
Melonome, the gnome
Manganese: language spoken by Stephen Mangan
Mangannaise - Mayonnaise brand of actor Stephen Mangan
Gangnam-Mangan-style, please, with chips
Quote from: Replies From View on March 03, 2021, 07:11:15 PM
Someone is going to tell you off for that one. If it has more than about one sentence then it apparently cannot comprise only one idea (according to them, not me).
You were right, I just got "the call".
Quote from: Mr Farenheit on March 04, 2021, 12:51:03 AM
You were right, I just got "the call".
Did you have time to fume at them?
(https://i.imgur.com/MBNpRoR.jpg)
"Milk-based" flavour; sounds scrumptious
"Could I just have the flavour of real milk by drinking some actual milk?"
"Shouldn't have thought so."
Parody account cop porn
Bend it like darren
A casino where all the chips are marshmallows.
And the boards are made of chocolate.
a back to the future board game where everyone plays as biff and marty's mum is called judith mcfly in 1955
a david copperfield who isn't a magician or a book about him by charles dickens, but a gardener with excess piles
and he has a grandmother who keeps leaning out of her bedroom window to yell "MY GRANDSON HAS 'A PILE'".
Misnomer Murders
A punch bag at a gym but, instead of punching it, you get bigger muscles by being kind to it. Teaches kids values. Kind Bag
Toblerone?!
I'll toble all of em if she'll let me eh lads!!!!!
Anus De Milo
nanook of the norks
Peak that's all I got^
Paeder of the gang
Showing real Paedership
god, its like that steven mandela effect
you know the steven mandela effect, where,
yea, steve. steven mandella
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!?
Cheesecakin' Stevens
The Venerable Paed.
Paeder, I married him.
Oxford cummer.
Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on March 12, 2021, 04:56:21 PM
Oxford cummer.
What the old birds down the connie club called Morse. They knew.
Yasser Arafat's marrowfats. From the Peas Authority.
(https://i.imgur.com/FUmQfEM.jpg)
call it bird's eye chicken fillets
Byker Byker! Byker Grave.
Jamie Lee Hurts-This (She becomes a wrestler.)
not worth it
Hellmans Province
The Afghanistan Conflict funded and brought to you by Hellmans Mayonnaise
Ungulate Buck
Bellboy Baggins
Fetch my luggage!
Gladys Nit and the Pipes
Quote from: Clatty McCutcheon on March 17, 2021, 11:59:33 PM
Gladys Nit and the Pipes
First.time I noticed your avatar people do NOT have bagpipes
(#Cancelled)
Gob Beldoff
Crumpet -> Crumb pet
Quote from: pancreas on March 19, 2021, 12:08:43 AM
Crumpet -> Crumb pet
Once saw a bloke trying to smuggle a fish into a nightclub, he was saying much the same thing: "pike let?"
The bouncer was saying no it can't be allowed in - it has to be one of those ones with the parasitic crustacean that has taken the place of its tongue
Tommy Robinsons Barley Water.
Jim, David's son.
Sonic the Nothing
Brand new computer game concept for a character called Sonic that is blue and nothing
Jonathan Ejaculatus
Inverted cinnamon sticks
Marc Maronite Christians
paedalos
Microsoft Teamsters Union
Spunk Anansie
To the tune of Tina Turner's Steamy Windows: Michael Winslow
Deck-chair Fletcher.
Johnny hates jizz.
Random Access Mammaries
Peter, Rabbi
People are strange
When you're Fred Grainger
Fred Graineger was the best Oasis one
Chris, Kamara, Action!
Stacey Dooley's Stated Dildos
patriarchal neck fruit
The concept of the 'miserydome' the opposite of the pleasuredome.
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on April 06, 2021, 11:22:34 AM
The concept of the 'miserydome' the opposite of the pleasuredome.
That's centreparcs.
Kenny Ball and his Jazz Hands
Visited a terrific crematorium yesterday, really the crem de la crem.
Hip hip brûlée!
The Gapes of Roth
(https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/503d345224acf61f36f86d92/1364356863878-LAZ4JXL0LAFTE9DLTRDS/ke17ZwdGBToddI8pDm48kM32O3lqEI-I2r5Nt1WCaBxZw-zPPgdn4jUwVcJE1ZvWEtT5uBSRWt4vQZAgTJucoTqqXjS3CfNDSuuf31e0tVHDOWxvz0t4oAbChJtDpdethj_6JByf87M-lB73YuCQOuPm9hpX1apx3xarEni4A6Q/David%2BLee%2BRoth.jpg?format=500w)
(https://townsquare.media/site/295/files/2012/05/Roth.jpg?w=980&q=75)
I don't understand why sometimes he is on fire and sometimes he isn't
Gravid Lee Roth
(https://i.postimg.cc/FKN6BY7g/Roth.jpg)
"Having an aneurism" involves repeatedly saying "and you are...?" because you are forgetting everything about them.
Fireman Sam theme tune but last line is 'Sam is the king of the cuuuuunts'
Scarve Ace
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 13, 2021, 09:24:16 AM
Visited a terrific crematorium yesterday, really the crem de la crem.
This was a Gyles Brandreth line from The One Show a year or two ago.
I am sorry to have to inform you of this.
Whereas aneurism = "and you are?"ism was not on a one show Gyles Brandreth thing because I am so brilliant
so we have all learned something here today, and now I shall bid you adieu because I am rod hull
He got totally Brandrethed.
Brandreth Wish 3
Russell Brandreth
Halitosis, n.
Brandreth
Giles Bandwidth
A local radio DJ called Old Kent Road.
Leicester Square but it's in Leicester.
Someone who can't tell the difference between duck-billed platypuses and beavers. Collects beaver eggs, tries to hatch them.
Quote from: Corduroy Castle on April 19, 2021, 01:55:12 PM
Giles Bandwidth
This is wrong because his first name has a y, not an i.
Sorry, Yiles Bandwidth.
Gylys Byndwydth
Nirvanna: The Brandreth Show
Frey Bentos: The Movie
Green Mile Summer by Chet Hanks feat. Big Papa Tom and MCDuncan.