Cook'd and Bomb'd

Forums => H.S. Art => Topic started by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 02, 2020, 09:29:27 PM

Title: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 02, 2020, 09:29:27 PM
Desolation V (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,71389.msg4222007.html#new)
Desolation IV (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=66470.0)
Desolation III (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,58360.0.html)
Desolation II (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=50771.0)
Desolation (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=44291.0)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on June 02, 2020, 09:30:49 PM
a one man war against Radio 2, that one man will never get close to winning
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 03, 2020, 01:20:47 AM
“Proud to be an early adopter of the new desolation thread”, he thinks, “yes, genuinely proud”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bazooka on June 03, 2020, 01:46:17 AM
A forgotten episode of Ground Force in which Charlie Dimmock's prolapse is used as a water feature, because the budget had run out, the homeowners are chuffed to bits.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 03, 2020, 08:32:55 AM
Jeremy, 45, the preeminent archivist of 90s TV show Live N Kicking is verbally assaulted by Jamie Theakston after cutting him up at a roundabout. 'die mongoloid shit skin' is the milder of the 18 statements Theakston emits. On arriving home the entire archive is slowly and carefully deleted from existence, followed by Jeremy himself.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on June 03, 2020, 12:15:14 PM
Pauline wakes to find that she wasn't crowned Miss World last night as it was all a dream and that warm sensation wasn't the feelgood glow that winning such a prestigious contest brings, no, merely her shitting the bed once again.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: H-O-W-L on June 03, 2020, 12:45:39 PM
A forgotten episode of Ground Force in which Charlie Dimmock's prolapse is used as a water feature, because the budget had run out, the homeowners are chuffed to bits.

A forgotten episode of Ground Force where they Find It beneath the patio as they're excavating. As the shovel sinks into the soil and the characteristic sifting sounds give way to a noisy, hollow CRNK, Titchmarsh and Dimmock both turn to camera, having been discussing the right type of mulch to lay down, and give a satisfied titter. "I think we might've hit their pipes!" "Oh dear, Alan, you silly sod!" they say, as Titchmarsh raises the shovel full of earth and gently heaps it onto the growing pile. White. Green. Grey. Red. "... Have they buried their dog out here?" asks Dimmock, as Titchmarsh stares down in horrific confusion.

The cameraman, having previously worked in disaster zones for daytime news, quickly whip-pans away to the nearest item he can find -- Tommy Walsh, who was out of frame. His cigarette falls from his lips. He stares in the direction we know Titchmarsh and Dimmock once were. He steps backward. An inhuman scream. A yell of shock. The patio doors slide open behind Walsh, revealing a cavernous black void where there once was a cozy mid-market living room. The semi-detached slice of comfort has become a nightmare. A single tendril of lightless chitin rends its way through the afternoon air, and Walsh is borne back, back, back, into that yawning maw of darkness. The camera spins out of focus, and then crashes. Our last visible frame is a single, static glimpse at Walsh's screaming face in the bottom corner of the frame; enshrouded by blackness and half-faded into the shadows of a forgotten night. What once was, and what once will be.

The tape is blank. It has always been blank. It will always be blank.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 03, 2020, 01:35:07 PM
A bellicose fire marshal swishes her nozzle at a newly hatched paedo.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 03, 2020, 05:03:57 PM
Due to a misinterpretation of your will, your earthly possessions are donated to the local Conservative party and Robbie Williams’ Angels is played exclusively at your funeral.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on June 03, 2020, 06:55:09 PM
You buy your old man a Mrs Brown's Boys themed Father's Day card as a bit of a joke. He roars with laughter when he opens it up and reads it. Not even out of politeness.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on June 03, 2020, 08:23:10 PM
Tony Blair's brown tooth laments yet another year of mouth prison.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on June 03, 2020, 09:10:02 PM
You start a thread in H.S. Art, tittering happily about willies and bums and poo. Nobody replies so you reply to it yourself with more childish malformed thoughts about willies and bums and poo.

Nobody replies.

Nobody ever replies.

Ever.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on June 03, 2020, 10:04:51 PM
You start a thread in H.S. Art, tittering happily about willies and bums and poo. Nobody replies so you reply to it yourself with more childish malformed thoughts about willies and bums and poo.

Nobody replies.

Nobody ever replies.

Ever.

^ too real.

Actual post:

Your doctor reclassifies you from BASKET CASE to BIN CASE. The close of the coffee-stained folder makes a weak kind of ffupp sound.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on June 03, 2020, 10:29:34 PM
Fred Sirieix is found to be categorically "not of this world".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on June 03, 2020, 10:40:51 PM
Fred Sirieix claims to have been born in a place called 'Limoges' which is a Gallo-Roman word meaning 'place where the cosmic eels spawn'.

Fred Sirieix has dyed a map into the blanched areas of his beard which - look just roll with it, Scully - it shows a clear map between Betelgeuse and the Sirieix System. I did a load of sheets for the overhead projector on this. He has a segmented thorax under his chef whites

Fred Sirieix is sometimes called upon to fry an egg on TV where he can be seen crying and whispering "for the good of the colony" under his breath.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 03, 2020, 10:43:33 PM
"Good evening" you sneer into the mirror.

It is not evening. It is not good.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 03, 2020, 10:46:21 PM
Bert falls through a wormhole into another wormhole.

"Let's rent Alf: The Movie" Rodger tells his penis in Blockbuster Video on the last day of VHS.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on June 03, 2020, 10:46:40 PM
"Always the page-boy, never the groomer" laments a novice nonce-hunter.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: H-O-W-L on June 04, 2020, 12:42:07 AM
A parade of purple penis beakers intrudes on a peaceful slumber after some dodgy calamari.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on June 04, 2020, 01:12:39 PM
Elswick swimming pool is closed after the intensity of the evaporating urine sets off the smoke detectors of the prison next door.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: idunnosomename on June 04, 2020, 03:18:11 PM
A child is born but nobody likes it
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on June 04, 2020, 03:36:32 PM
A meth house out of product draws straws to decide which one will have their brain dehydrated for the others to smoke.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 04, 2020, 03:37:48 PM
Elswick swimming pool is closed after the intensity of the evaporating urine sets off the smoke detectors of the prison next door.

Except there is no prison in Elswick, just Pancreas' house.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 04, 2020, 03:38:22 PM
A meth house out of product draws straws to decide which one will have their brain dehydrated for the others to smoke.

Except there is no meth house in Elswick, just Pancreas' house
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 04, 2020, 07:03:58 PM
"Good evening" you sneer into the mirror.

It is not evening. It is not good.

Very nice
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: GentleJoshing on June 04, 2020, 10:34:54 PM
'I probably should call my elderly parents this week', you think fleetingly as you set into hour three of Candy Crush
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on June 04, 2020, 11:03:45 PM
You phone the number on a lost cat poster to tell them your mother is called ‘slag hammer’ and you wield her every Thursday.

A greying, palsied hand mimes a tale of dissatisfaction.

A tortoise hidden in an Deliveroo pannier shites the last good of the world into a gutter.

The Queen announces the final annulment of her sexual desires by blowtorching her tits and kicking them up a corgi’s yapping arsepipe. Stricken, and in a fit of senile discursion, Philip runs his own cock over with a 40 litre lawnmower and teabags the leftovers into her ungrateful cuntface. The entire loathly palace yawns itself into a puzzle box, then drifts down a ditch into a puddle of Cydrax.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: idunnosomename on June 05, 2020, 01:11:07 PM
suzanne moore, off her tits in an amsterdam café, makes a stoned post on twitter. hadley freeman thinks it's great.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on June 05, 2020, 04:38:33 PM
Hadley Freeman is enough deso!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on June 06, 2020, 02:32:57 AM
found elsewhere

Quote
"A fellow keeper used to hold parties at her apartment. One of the party games was Guess The Shit. She had brought tons of animal shit from work, and we had to guess what animal it came out of. And of course everybody nailed it because we all have intimate knowledge of feces of all kinds."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on June 06, 2020, 03:15:11 PM
fuck you baked potato
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on June 06, 2020, 03:55:14 PM
A cankle riddled with bluebottles.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on June 06, 2020, 07:59:23 PM
Looking through your parents’ old photos, taken in the years before your birth.

They are smiling in all of them.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 07, 2020, 12:31:15 PM
A big-money sequel to Nigel Farage is announced.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: poo on June 07, 2020, 01:52:49 PM
Will Gompertz soils himself in protest against some underdone toast.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 07, 2020, 02:29:02 PM
Pancreas wakes up covered in Desolation threads. Try as he might he can't wash them off. 2 hours of scrubbing with a steel loofah leaves him raw and in agony, yet the desolation threads cling to his skinless torso and anus like starving bot flies gorging on rancid flesh.

"Bring me acid, bring me brine
Bring me vinegar, bring me wine!"

he pleads with his hideous reflection as the Salt Man delivers the weekly supply in fevered anticipation of the forthcoming theatre of pain.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on June 07, 2020, 03:09:28 PM
KT Tunstall's new rap album
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on June 07, 2020, 06:16:12 PM
You craft an incredibly outrageous and utterly untrue account of an encounter you had with an entitled parent and post it to the subreddit of the same name.

"Lol, these stupid teenagers will believe anything," you say out loud to your empty house, chortling in delight over something that doesn't matter and which nobody your own age cares about.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 07, 2020, 08:34:50 PM
What is a subreddit? What is a reddit?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on June 08, 2020, 12:16:02 AM
What is a subreddit? What is a reddit?
Now you fully grasp the extent of the desolation.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on June 08, 2020, 10:36:34 AM
Goole's ghouls forsake the town's graveyards, stating in a press release that everyone "tastes disgusting"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 08, 2020, 05:23:20 PM
Your family whatsapp thread descends into a passionate multi-pronged defence of Keir Starmer.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on June 08, 2020, 05:42:44 PM
Irreparably ruined by overuse of online grot, the only thing Tony can use to get off with now is close-up shots of Michael Elphick during repeats of Boon on UKTV Drama.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on June 09, 2020, 12:45:04 PM
Your dog got old so fast.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 09, 2020, 06:46:39 PM
Pavel's doric clagnut frieze wins an award. An award for shittest ever frieze. At an award ceremony held in Pavel's head. In Rhyl.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on June 09, 2020, 09:23:13 PM
Peter Jones invests none of the money for all of your sex drawings.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on June 09, 2020, 10:32:08 PM
BlodwynPig is now too desolate for CaB.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on June 09, 2020, 11:03:28 PM
Fiona bleaches her arsehole and sets up the Onlyfans because there’s “no fucking way” she’s putting up with an Infinity kitchen. “It’s the Infinity Plus with Milano quartz worktop or nothing, Mike.”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on June 09, 2020, 11:54:42 PM
A lonely botanist rubs himself with the stamen of a brassica.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on June 09, 2020, 11:55:54 PM
A newly-arrived owl in a copse has its head kicked in.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on June 09, 2020, 11:58:50 PM
Patrick Aryee is crucified on a boab tree, on the off chance it’ll bring in viewers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on June 10, 2020, 12:34:36 AM
What is a subreddit? What is a reddit?

Desolation - Blodwyn Pig has changed his avatar. This is war, you utter bastard
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 10, 2020, 01:11:57 AM
You name your son Admin.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on June 10, 2020, 01:37:44 AM
You name your son Admin.

At age 3, you interview him for the position of continuing to be your son
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on June 10, 2020, 10:48:49 AM
Your clavicle implores you for a love bite.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on June 10, 2020, 02:33:46 PM
Your favourite shape is a dodecagon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on June 10, 2020, 03:32:41 PM
Awakening with a start, Shilton rises from his armchair feeling certain that his moment has come. After all those years spent trying to catch balls, he knows now that this is what he was truly born for. He is going to set the world to rights, and ride once more upon the shoulders of men. Right now, on Twitter (https://twitter.com/Peter_Shilton/status/1270421520758734849).

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on June 10, 2020, 03:39:37 PM
Shilton stirs in his sleep, certain he can hear tanks. His tanks, rolling down the streets to enforce his will. "Not again Peter. God, it's only 4am. Give it a fucking rest." But the pillows whisper instructions into what's left of his ears.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on June 11, 2020, 12:37:22 AM
Your canaries are called Twitter and Reddit. They are shit-brown.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on June 15, 2020, 09:47:25 PM
A cunt dwindles in a bin.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on June 15, 2020, 10:22:36 PM
Your dog got old so fast.

turns out its just radiation poisoning
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on June 16, 2020, 10:48:29 AM
Becks does eleven keepy-ups while Harper watches.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on June 16, 2020, 12:45:05 PM
The grey, sunken cunt of the world.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 16, 2020, 03:02:12 PM
You are formally credited as the co-writer of Feva For The Flava.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on June 17, 2020, 11:25:31 AM
The cognitive dissonance of being in agreement with Piers Morgan on a topic.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on June 17, 2020, 11:52:20 AM
can't stop going to big Tesco every month for a leisurely two hour read of Viz. only time you get out the house, nothing else seems worth it
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 19, 2020, 10:31:58 AM
Bebbles the bog-troll wins a 2 week caravan holiday in Magnitogorsk. Let's the voucher lapse despite booking and travelling on 3 connecting flights to get there.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 20, 2020, 07:49:41 AM
The cheese balancer goes to Derby to be told there are mites living in his rectum.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: shiftwork2 on June 20, 2020, 10:18:53 PM
.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on June 21, 2020, 09:59:39 PM
.

Bleak.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on June 22, 2020, 04:37:18 PM
Your hopes are lifted for a split second when your boss announces that 2 colleagues are working overtime with you to make the numbers up. They are revealed to be 2 of the most bastard people you hate working with.

Facepalm!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on June 23, 2020, 03:11:18 PM
Neil Warnock replaces Jonathan Woodgate as Middlesbrough boss.

(words above deso works in any arrangement)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 23, 2020, 05:04:20 PM
Trafficked from Bali only to be entombed by a paper boy.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on June 23, 2020, 07:06:13 PM
An anal polyp scuppers your holiday plans.

“Have you ever noticed that it’s always that you hide in an attic but you are locked up in a cellar?” mused the estate agent as he showed a remote house to an increasingly concerned client.

A Swansea taxi driver’s Edinburgh one man show, An old dear in the headlights, about the time he ran over a pensioner outside the bingo hall, does worse than expected.



Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on June 23, 2020, 09:39:01 PM
.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on June 23, 2020, 09:41:03 PM
“Have you ever noticed that it’s always that you hide in an attic but you are locked up in a cellar?” mused the estate agent as he showed a remote house to an increasingly concerned client.

A rapist is commended for being the perfect blend between Gaston Bachelard and Josef Fritzl.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on June 23, 2020, 09:54:50 PM
You can't stop crying at work. "It's just hay fever" you tell the girl who used to like you as you try to shake the masses of tear-clumped postage stamps from your sanitised slimed hands.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on June 23, 2020, 10:07:56 PM
Your internal monologue sounds a lot like a pissed Hugh Scully.

"You've written this before" he antiquely slurs as you urinate into an empty bucket of fuck it.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on June 23, 2020, 10:32:23 PM
Spent all weekend watching God TV, eating Tesco Value "Noodle Pots" and pushing his prolapsed arsehole back in.

A fortnight in Blackpool with an ounce of meth.

A neckbeard spends £583 on a Ltd Edition My Little Pony fedora.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on June 23, 2020, 10:40:36 PM
you get on a train to Cambridge, pissed. you will nontheless end up in Motherwell
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on June 23, 2020, 11:09:05 PM
Some well meaning young children are taught 'the true meaning of batman' by a deluded utility belt enthusiast that got out of hand
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on June 24, 2020, 02:52:56 AM
(cheating with talk to transformer desolation)

Robot grief dog is stomping all over your keyboard, buzzing up the mechanism.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 24, 2020, 08:39:40 AM
You are tracked down to Pripyat shivering with your trousers around your ankles. When interrogated you will only say 'good night yeah good night it's been a good night'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on June 24, 2020, 09:48:49 AM
Your electric wheelchair is hacked by line dancing enthusiasts.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on June 24, 2020, 10:00:48 AM
Richard Curtis uses the Covid-19 pandemic as the inspiration for a new Richard Curtis film, which turns out to be a gaggle of yummy mummies cheering on then sucking off brave Sir Boris Johnson at the podium of certain coronavirus.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on June 24, 2020, 12:20:38 PM
An unprofitable art gallery is bulldozed and replaced by a solid gold statue of the 'White Lives Matter' plane.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on June 24, 2020, 12:52:21 PM
A misunderstanding around the term "shit sandwich" results in the best canteen lunch for ten years.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 24, 2020, 10:59:24 PM
There is a degree of chagrin over the rental term of a tabernacle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on June 25, 2020, 12:09:25 AM
A gif of Alfonso Ribeiro dragging his itchy anus across the floor like an unchecked sheepdog is called as a key witness in a Zoom meet remote rape case
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on June 25, 2020, 02:32:22 PM
James Corden and Rebel Wilson star in a CG-heavy remake of Yentl with 3 extra songs by Taylor Swift. Shawn Mendez plays the shtetl.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on June 26, 2020, 12:37:23 AM
A sobbing rector crucifies his tortoise on a hire boat.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 26, 2020, 07:16:21 AM
A sobbing rector crucifies his tortoise on a hire boat.

Laughed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 27, 2020, 11:50:45 AM
A Tiverton grief Councillor sentimentally weeps at the decommissioning of a chain ferry before going online to be a racist.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on June 27, 2020, 12:49:23 PM
Your father gets the projector out so he can show the extended family his twitter feed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 27, 2020, 06:04:37 PM
You seriously injure your right elbow opening a jam jar.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 27, 2020, 08:42:16 PM
The last two human beings left alive are kept mentally alert by the fluctuating prospect of being raped by the other one.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 27, 2020, 11:10:23 PM
The tear in your ulnar nerve is confirmed. You are too ashamed to tell the osteopath how it happened.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on June 28, 2020, 02:33:47 AM
A timid archaeology student with a hair lip is accused of being a witch in an Asda in Galashiels.

Jim Bowen can't work out how to use an ice cube bag.

23:30, July 4th 2020, every A&E department in England.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: tao of wub on June 28, 2020, 03:42:11 AM
Somebody has now taken your bendy bully away from you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: idunnosomename on June 28, 2020, 11:43:02 AM
A lamb gives up on a wank
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 28, 2020, 12:22:59 PM
BBC article 'What is the best pupper'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on June 28, 2020, 02:15:23 PM
a heavy weed smoker copes with a two day break in supply and the whole flat is spotless, gleaming and full of household cleaning fumes. windows cracked even though it's baltic, windy and wet outside. eyes watering in pain, nose tingling from irritation, he sits down and ponders what to do for the next 31 hours
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on June 28, 2020, 02:27:50 PM
Chris Leslie cracks open the last of this season's reduced Galaxy easter eggs in his WWE themed man-cave and there's chocolate all over his face and the flies know that lunch is served.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 28, 2020, 09:51:08 PM
Pubon's museum of mucus is interred due to black mould issues.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on June 28, 2020, 10:24:38 PM
As you bleed out from a self-inflicted rectal injury, you find palliative solace in a plate of mashed egg whites.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 29, 2020, 12:18:26 AM
You watch Mission Impossible 3, 4 and 5 in the same night that you call 'Mission Impossible Night'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 29, 2020, 01:07:48 AM
A man erotically smothered in Pea Wet demands Gavin to 'go on, make me fart like a fucking Labrador'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Mr Eggs on June 29, 2020, 01:32:25 AM
An autistic man runs himself to death around an Ikea warehouse thinking it was a Tardis.

He knew it wasn't really a Tardis, but he had a fucking stalk-on all the way round.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on June 29, 2020, 10:54:43 AM
A twenty-something alpaca enthusiast dies 1500 feet above sea level.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on June 29, 2020, 05:12:50 PM
The man who sits opposite you in the office, before THIS all happened, sends you a link to his new album on bandcamp. He's keen to know what you think of it

Each song contains at least one reference to 'that fucking ugly cunt' from work that he 'has to look at day after day after day'

He's keen to know what you think of it, the album.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on June 30, 2020, 12:13:12 AM
^You paid $11 for the download, and the t-shirt is still in the post.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on June 30, 2020, 06:42:15 PM
^ the cover art reprod at massive size on the tshirt is a blurry/pixelated mess somehow still recognisable as a up your nose/chin view webstream freeze frame taken from a secret Matebook keyboard spy camera.

You'd wondered why it would randomly pop up when you hadn't touched it.

eta: image replaced with life deso/euphoria

video not mine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKY3hvYKPpA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKY3hvYKPpA)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on June 30, 2020, 11:35:26 PM
A joke about the kids down at the dyspraxia society falling over themselves to help each other does quite well in the queue outside Domino's Yarm.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on July 01, 2020, 12:29:14 AM
Enjoyed this bit of self-depricating deso on twitter.

(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/upload_2020-6-30_22-54-28-png.182406/)

(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/upload_2020-6-30_23-5-54-png.182408/)

(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/upload_2020-6-30_23-6-53-png.182409/)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on July 01, 2020, 12:46:47 AM
And this

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Eby9v6PXYAIYNBG?format=jpg&name=large)

Presumably they know it's gay 'cos the women boxes have antlers or eyelashes and a fanny or something.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on July 01, 2020, 10:24:10 PM
Jim is wracked with such a plethora of digestive ailments that he can forge Monet's Water Lilies using just a brush and the contents of his colostomy bag.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on July 02, 2020, 09:47:58 AM
Clive has Class II colitis but hasn't been able to find a public toilet open since COVID-19 started. He's now classed as the biggest public health emergency west of Swindon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bence Fekete on July 02, 2020, 02:21:52 PM
You wake up handcuffed to your screaming flatmate's bloody cock.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 02, 2020, 03:15:36 PM
Your best mate in the entire world is a local character everyone calls 'Turds', best mate in the entire world.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on July 02, 2020, 03:29:41 PM
Bilston. The long-awaited post-lockdown egg'n'spoon race consists of an egg and a spoon. They just sit there.

Good to get back to normal.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 02, 2020, 10:58:11 PM
History all stinks of shit. History is not only the bin but the seedbank and ice core record of odiousness.

The Siege of Tyre that fucking stunk of shit. The Babington Plot: everyone involved and all the places featured stank of shit. Sex Pistols gig - stank of shit. Crimea - atmospheric strata defined by different extremely concentrated tiers of shit. Repealing the corn laws happened in a building an environment that notably stank of shit. The Hindenburg was a giant balloon that smelt of shit that crashed to ground, exploded and made everywhere else nearby smell of shit. The SAS remarked in 1980 how much like shit the siege of the Iranian Embassy in Kensington smelt of. Harold Larwood's cricket coffin smelt of shit. Confucius wrote every single word surrounded by an atmosphere of caked on shit festering on a hot day. Most naturalist writing such as Wordsworth is wish fulfilment for life to smell less like shit. Henry VIII was a man enveloped constantly by the stench of shit. Football referee David Elleray stank of shit
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: madhair60 on July 02, 2020, 11:15:25 PM
The Complete Desolation, Vol 1 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%201.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 2 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%202.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 3 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%203.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 4 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%204.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 5 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%205.htm)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 03, 2020, 01:34:14 AM
The Complete Desolation, Vol 1 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%201.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 2 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%202.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 3 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%203.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 4 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%204.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 5 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%205.htm)

All bound in leather. Had to pay the bespoke bookbinders all of your nan’s inheritance but it was worth it. If only you had some shelves.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pink Gregory on July 03, 2020, 07:58:39 AM
You are presented with a pleasant-smelling hamburger as a reward for diligence and perfect attendance.

You lift it to your mouth but ingress is denied by an outpouring of soil from your gullet.  It just keeps coming.  Soil.  Soil.  Soil.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bence Fekete on July 03, 2020, 02:37:07 PM
You are trapped in Alf Stewart's hazy dream about a Ukrainian bicycle called Denys.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on July 03, 2020, 03:04:08 PM
Martin spends the night on the sofa after comparing dinner to "that business with Savile."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on July 03, 2020, 10:24:41 PM
The Complete Desolation, Vol 1 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%201.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 2 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%202.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 3 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%203.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 4 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%204.htm)

The Complete Desolation, Vol 5 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%205.htm)

So Blodwyn invented Desolation?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on July 03, 2020, 10:44:36 PM
The shite patter splattering between me and the Parcelforce delivery egg man, laughing awkwardly in our high viz nylon glee jean michel jarre-wear.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on July 03, 2020, 10:53:22 PM
Fat hen's battys shitting out mangled beagle eggs all over the supplexed tin corpse of a BHS buffet counter, "breakfast is severe" barks the sweaty green buffering ghost of your old IT teacher.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on July 03, 2020, 10:55:53 PM
A platoon of old men air-frying their pendulous scrotums under the hand dryers in the shopping centre toilets are assassinated by a nitrogen waste bot unleashed by a disgruntled Intu eremite
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on July 03, 2020, 11:03:18 PM
Teatime on a dreary Tuesday evening in 2052. Eggheads is still being broadcast.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on July 03, 2020, 11:08:42 PM
Your manager calls you into the office to inform you that the pleasure receptors in your penis are now legal property of T WONNACOTTS MAD ANTIQUE LADS PLC
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 04, 2020, 12:23:13 AM
So Blodwyn invented Desolation?

Yes.

I would point out there are links on page 1 post 1 of this thread where that could have been revealed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on July 04, 2020, 01:16:39 AM
Real life deso:

A man (slightly depressed dad version of older Legend Gary)  in a second video games/dvds shop demanding "Can I get Fornite from you or not"?

& shop bloke (stoner James (not Jim, James) Morrison slightly going gray)  having to patiently explain it doesn't come on a disc, you have to download it, even if you bought it in a box from argos, all you get is a scratch off code for the app store & something you have to throw away, and he doesn't sell the codes because they'll be used and won't work.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on July 04, 2020, 09:06:46 AM
Yes.

I would point out there are links on page 1 post 1 of this thread where that could have been revealed.

It was better when madhair linked it. He’s better than you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 04, 2020, 10:01:22 AM
A great crested newt licenser weaponises stubble
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: idunnosomename on July 04, 2020, 11:12:36 AM
And this

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Eby9v6PXYAIYNBG?format=jpg&name=large)

Presumably they know it's gay 'cos the women boxes have antlers or eyelashes and a fanny or something.
GAY BOXES?!?!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on July 04, 2020, 06:51:06 PM
A hospital porter tweets mindgeek to ask them if they offer an nhs discount.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 04, 2020, 09:15:16 PM
Your favourite flavour or dragee is cum.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Scarlet Intangible on July 05, 2020, 01:08:03 AM
Hair plucked from Jeremy Kyle's pubic embankment allows your fringe transplant to take place on the channel 5 show - Plebs Do The Most Desperate Things. The rest of your head remains bald.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 05, 2020, 02:58:09 AM
John Legend's less successful brother John Paedophile loses the patent to swastika shaped fish fingers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on July 05, 2020, 12:41:44 PM
first shag in twelve years and this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tjx_lKNvG5E) is the background music
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 05, 2020, 01:05:32 PM
In 2010, Slimani re-recorded the single in support of the England football team at the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa. Aptly entitled "It's England Time", a play on "It's Chico Time", it uses the same basis as the original version, but with amended lyrics.[2] The song was first played on The Chris Moyles Show.[3] (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/It%27s_Chico_Time)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on July 05, 2020, 11:12:18 PM
Darius from 2001 cry-sings ‘Hey now, hey now, Don’t dream its over’ to a terrified Austrian coach driver in the men’s toilets of a M5 service station.

Jerome arrives late to the hospital and misses his daughter’s final moments. His excuse that mooning Vera Lynn’s funeral procession was a “once in a lifetime opportunity” fails to placate the rest of the family.


Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on July 06, 2020, 12:09:47 AM
David Icke declares you to be his sexual orientation and he will stop at nothing
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on July 06, 2020, 08:42:20 AM
An assumed mourner soon imposes his status as champion gravestone seeder
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on July 06, 2020, 11:16:09 AM
Amazon delivery driver leaves his own corpse on your doormat. Arranging a return is proving surprisingly difficult.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 07, 2020, 07:30:37 AM
A tinned soup YouTube reviewer places his Aunt into cloud storage.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on July 07, 2020, 08:10:36 AM
A man with undiagnosed type 2 diabetes writes a parody version of Hey Nineteen by Steely Dan called Covid Nineteen which he sings with the original song as background accompaniment, in a YouTube video shot in portrait mode. It has 33 views and comments disabled.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on July 07, 2020, 10:39:40 PM
The lovely healthy stir-fry you cooked yourself turns out to be toilet paint.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 07, 2020, 11:43:11 PM
The lovely healthy stir-fry you cooked yourself turns out to be toilet paint.

Laughed

What's toilet paint
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on July 07, 2020, 11:57:26 PM
brown paint
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on July 08, 2020, 01:25:11 AM
Laughed

What's toilet paint
A runny brown substance that easily coats a toilet bowl when blasted out at high pressure.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 08, 2020, 06:42:00 PM
A rubble enthusiast sneers at the rendering of a rubble shaped birthday cake, before someone points out it is actually just some rubble.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on July 08, 2020, 08:18:01 PM
A rubble enthusiast sneers at the rendering of a rubble shaped birthday cake, before someone points out it is actually just some rubble.

he says the taste is quite nice and he could see it being a little dessert niche, over lager afterwards
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: ASFTSN on July 09, 2020, 10:15:56 AM
The lovely healthy stir-fry you cooked yourself turns out to be toilet paint.

Weekly real-life deso
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bence Fekete on July 09, 2020, 06:11:14 PM
Your thundering climax to a soggy box of Honey Nut Loops from the 80s does little to block out the emotional turmoil of having been divorced by a non-binary wasp named Arlington.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 09, 2020, 07:36:44 PM
The Plymouth Brethren are here. What do they want. What do they want.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on July 09, 2020, 09:05:09 PM
The Plymouth Brethren are here. What do they want. What do they want.

Kraft singles, apparently.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on July 10, 2020, 11:16:25 AM
Searching for "Prince When Doves Cry" on Youtube you inadvertantly alight upon a video of Prince Andrew raping Rebecca Pidgeon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on July 10, 2020, 02:13:38 PM
The Plymouth Brethren are here. What do they want. What do they want.

this becomes a football chant, used by clubs all over the place to taunt opponents. except when they play Plymouth Argyle
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on July 10, 2020, 09:03:32 PM
new forum, new community, new account, new avatar, and THIS time you're going to win them over by posting in the style of Bosh out of House of Fools, yer twat
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 10, 2020, 09:10:35 PM
.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 11, 2020, 01:47:57 AM
I SAID A MING VASE NOT A MONGS ARSE
this continues for quite a while
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 11, 2020, 09:18:54 AM
The bin man keeps calling you gringo when you pass each other
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 11, 2020, 10:46:52 AM
You loudly correct a group of acquaintances in the pub that your specialism is anal sphincter electromyography (EMG) which is recorded with a small sponge electrode in the anal canal. The patient relaxes, squeezes and pushes. A computer records sphincter muscle electrical activity. Anal sphincter EMG confirms the proper muscle contractions during squeeze and muscle relaxation during push. NOT, as has been put out in the last few days, eel mating.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 11, 2020, 11:14:46 AM
You awake and it swiftly is apparent your lounge has curdled.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on July 11, 2020, 01:06:14 PM
Another murder to investigate. Just taking 10 minutes for a wee ciggie. Turns into a lunch hour, egg and cress sandwich and staring into space. Lunch becomes a day. Then a week. Then a month. No-one ever finds the killer. But they find you, in a squat, mattress crawling, stomach swollen like an overripe plum. There is nothing.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on July 11, 2020, 01:19:31 PM
Edit bugs tightly packed into a rectum-filling sausage. £0.99, Halfords.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 11, 2020, 05:03:10 PM
AutoSergei goes rogue and starts poisoning children in Beckenham and failing to identify best value deals.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on July 12, 2020, 09:20:39 PM
A park and ride gypsy offers to polish your left bollock in exchange for a chaffinch pie.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on July 13, 2020, 11:03:35 AM
AutoSergei goes rogue and starts poisoning children in Beckenham and failing to identify best value deals.
AutoSergei faxes your boss 250 CVs, all ex-members of S Club Juniors and all much better qualified than you are for operating the machines.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 13, 2020, 11:38:46 AM
A deep sense of unease develops as you speak to the consultant who confirms that your surgeon 'fucking pissed it last time so man up'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on July 14, 2020, 12:58:04 PM
An accident with a waste compactor means that only half a person turns up at your funeral.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 14, 2020, 05:36:00 PM
You do your best to sabotage the workings of a waste compactor so you don't have to attend the funeral of someone you were the only friend of, but it goes awry and now you have to use your kneecaps to communicate.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Dannyhood91 on July 14, 2020, 07:06:08 PM
Intentionally starting a rumour that you’re a pedophile
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Dannyhood91 on July 14, 2020, 07:07:51 PM
Staying up for 43 hours creating pixel art of the band Atlantic Starr.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Dannyhood91 on July 14, 2020, 07:08:42 PM
Marrying a woman called Boswell
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: tao of wub on July 14, 2020, 10:51:19 PM
Finally falling off the Walrus and realising you are Jerry Hall and that the unpleasant taste and sensation in your mouth is in fact Rupert Murdoch’s cock.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pearly-Dewdrops Drops on July 14, 2020, 10:56:53 PM
A ruddy faced man shouting about his refusal to wear a mask chokes to death on a passing bumblebee.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on July 14, 2020, 11:54:59 PM
It's not the Batman theme of the pillow case that kills you, but it does make the smothering a bit harder to take.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: idunnosomename on July 15, 2020, 01:08:59 AM
you push a cucumber up your bum and wait until it goes mouldy
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on July 15, 2020, 08:56:50 AM
In your last will and testament, you leave all your wealth to a donkey sanctuary. Your lawyer takes all £38.25 in fees and buys a length of scaffolding pole and a Tesco Value wonky carrot.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 15, 2020, 11:14:58 PM
you push a cucumber up your bum and wait until it goes mouldy

It does. It really does.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on July 15, 2020, 11:35:03 PM
it rots away, leaving the pristine cucumber, still fresh as it was in Somerfield
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: tao of wub on July 16, 2020, 12:32:13 AM
At work, administering a general anesthetic to Dominic Raab, you find your belief in the hippocratic oath simply won't let you do the logical thing and keep opening the gas valve
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on July 16, 2020, 01:30:42 AM
It does. It really does.

bobbins
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Dannyhood91 on July 16, 2020, 11:29:52 AM
Your dad has you saved in his phone as ‘The Bothered Mong’.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 16, 2020, 03:06:40 PM
The Kaiser Chiefs do impressions of you and they are not flattering.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on July 16, 2020, 03:37:12 PM
Jive Bunny kicking the shit out of Deadmau5 after a disasterous cocaine and Rennie Rap-Eze-fuelled 'ironic' support slot.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on July 16, 2020, 04:04:40 PM
Going round Grimsby fish market and all you want to do is LICK THE GILLS

lick the gills get your tongue right in there mmmm lalala
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on July 16, 2020, 04:09:44 PM
walking down the aisle to 'I LIKE TO MAUVE IT MAUVE IT! I LIKE TO MAUVE IT MAUVE IT"

the vicar calls for a wall of death as the aunts go absolutely tits off in the pit
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 16, 2020, 04:43:40 PM
In a 'who has the strongest thigh muscles contest' your thighs are deemed not even significant enough to warrant pitting against anyone, despite one of the contestants being a cat. You spend the next 2 hours mooching around the sports hall drinking orange squash and going 'yarite' now and then.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Dannyhood91 on July 16, 2020, 07:11:24 PM
Seeing your dads google searches include “how to haev sex wiith girls” “woman pussy” “big boobs” and “lego Star Wars”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on July 17, 2020, 02:57:24 AM
You kidnap David Attenborough and Katie Hopkins but you can't get them to mate.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: rue the polywhirl on July 17, 2020, 08:02:12 AM
You kidnap David Attenborough and Katie Hopkins but you can't get them to mate.

Really? If you put them both in a field I reckon Katie will initiate and they’d start to get it on. A weird thing that will happen is that David Attenborough, if he is still in the living phase, will probably start providing narration to his own romp.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 17, 2020, 09:52:04 AM
'Round Barry' gets a gift shop stegosaurus lodged in his, well, you know.

Dog.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on July 17, 2020, 02:05:00 PM
Really? If you put them both in a field I reckon Katie will initiate and they’d start to get it on. A weird thing that will happen is that David Attenborough, if he is still in the living phase, will probably start providing narration to his own romp.

Why don't you fucking try it then? Not keeping my fingers crossed for you, I'm afraid.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 17, 2020, 03:07:46 PM
a Sonic The Hedgehog: Grenfel Tower Zone Mod arrives simultaneously too late and too soon
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 18, 2020, 11:17:19 AM
You Google 'stent'. The next 30 years of misery unfold before you. You insert another babybel into your pouch
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on July 18, 2020, 01:43:45 PM
Written in the filth on the back of a van: I wish my sister was this dirty
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 18, 2020, 04:32:37 PM
you study the instructions on a packet of McCain Oven Chips if it were a work of art.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 18, 2020, 07:16:27 PM
you study the instructions on a packet of McCain Oven Chips if it were a work of art.

... After all, it is your job as their employee to design the packets.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 18, 2020, 08:52:11 PM
... After all, it is your job as their employee to design the packets.

...or it will be, if this letter-writing campaign works out. Been a long 12 years but they’ll relent eventually.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on July 19, 2020, 11:43:46 PM
Competitive hotdog eaters nearing limit of human performance

A maximum of 84 hotdogs in 10 minutes is possible, says sports science study

https://www.theguardian.com/food/2020/jul/15/competitive-hotdog-eaters-nearing-limit-of-human-performance
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 20, 2020, 08:30:45 AM
JML reject Hubert's De-smegging Wand despite the glowing testimonial of Dragon Duncan Bannatyne.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 20, 2020, 08:34:24 AM
Your home shrine to the movie Hot Fuzz is 'wound down' by Bedfordshire County Council.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on July 20, 2020, 09:36:21 AM
You begat a game of spin the bottle with many unknowing Post Office queuesters.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on July 20, 2020, 09:55:32 AM
Terry's emotions are destroyed by an 90% acetonitrile diluent.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on July 20, 2020, 12:00:32 PM
You are the nation's leading expert on elmswood wainscoting. Antiques Roadshow dismisses your job application as "too niche".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 20, 2020, 07:01:00 PM
While unpacking the weekly shop Bill discovers he's bought the Smooth Peanut Butter by mistake.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on July 20, 2020, 08:01:07 PM
Francesca chips a nail while dismembering her husband with a hacksaw.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on July 21, 2020, 09:37:48 AM
Another bit of IRL desolation here https://www.essexlive.news/news/essex-news/colchester-man-wont-give-up-4334079
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on July 21, 2020, 09:58:00 AM
Stephen Hendry shoves Tony Meo into your shoulder as you pass a Snookerboyz! walkabout of St. Neots. Kirk Stevens pisses himself. Mike Hallet laughs like a gutter. Dean Morgan smiles at his own shoes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 21, 2020, 11:00:08 AM
The Viscount of Malmesbury is refused entrance to Bicester Halfords.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on July 21, 2020, 10:53:10 PM
Sat crumpled in a glen curling out a comedown turd, and barking at every inch, while a clown perched in a tree leers at your backside.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 21, 2020, 11:24:22 PM
While unpacking the weekly shop Bill discovers he's bought the Smooth Peanut Butter by mistake.

She's going to fucking kill me

It's over

Might as well shag tell dog before she gets back
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on July 22, 2020, 05:11:41 AM
Realising that you have sacrificed your adult years on the altar of masturbation and salt and vinegar.

Paralysed, you can only communicate with a specially adapted rectal prolapse keyboard, you are dyslexic, illiterate and haven’t got a bottom.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 22, 2020, 08:09:25 AM
You war-game a tv show 'Britain's Greatest Laybys' in efforts to find the first sleep for weeks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 22, 2020, 10:17:13 AM
"News flash Martha! This isn't pickled beetroot!!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on July 22, 2020, 10:32:39 AM
a postman with screwdriver fingers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 23, 2020, 06:29:31 AM
You clamber atop an iron age hill fort in order to chunter about 'sinister chinese forces'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 23, 2020, 10:09:00 AM
In a competition to see who can menstruate hardest, it's you, you're the one who does so the most. Then, as you come to collect your prize of 11 garden gnomes, you fall.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 23, 2020, 10:24:37 AM
In a hastily-arranged gymkhana revolving around toads, a fight breaks out over who is most Brexit.

I, claims Alan of Wigan

Nay, tis I! comes the retort from Gerald of Brent Cross Shopping Centre, parading around with a union jack flag tied around his general corpulence.

Some toads are subjected to a certain level of maltreatment at this event as well.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 23, 2020, 10:31:01 AM
A geocache in Lower Earley contains a 1970s German jazz mag, and three racist puppets.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on July 23, 2020, 11:44:57 AM
Postman Pat and the wrong black and white cat for four days before he notices
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 23, 2020, 01:10:44 PM
A geocache in Lower Earley contains a 1970s German jazz mag, and three racist puppets.

A secondary investigation of the 'cache' uncovers that this is in fact Lower Earley in its entirety.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 24, 2020, 12:38:58 AM
Stone Cold Steve Austin's funeral.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: tao of wub on July 24, 2020, 01:54:45 AM
A policeman is failing to obscure your engorged genitals with his jacket as you twist and squirm against being removed from Babbacombe Model Village.

Your departure leaves a gaggle of horror struck children, wandering dazed around a heavily damaged miniature world; all is lightly painted in your faeces and bearing witness to your afternoon as a vengeful, attacking berserker giant.

Accusatory stares will follow you for a number of years but you will have little memory of your crimes other than feeling a sexual rush of pleasure when you try to recapture the events.  This amnesia is partially down of the handful of LSD, ambien and dexys you have troughed, but more, because your head is in for a proper pulping, soon to be delivered by a very ticked off police sergeant.

The model village will cancel your season ticket.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 24, 2020, 02:36:47 AM
No matter how hard you try as the baboon approaches, your anus grows only redder
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pink Gregory on July 24, 2020, 05:40:29 AM
Your hated neighbor runs ahead of you in Morrison's to grasp jealously the last pack of nappies.

"But he doesn't have children." you think to yourself.

Later, you peer between the fencing slats to see a fleet of pugs swarming about the overgrown garden, be-nappied.  One lies dying.

"Bother."  you think to yourself, as you feel a warm sensation upon your inner thigh.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 24, 2020, 06:51:51 AM
An app showing the position of hot senior citizens in your area live and ready to fuck is hijacked by an organised burglary gang.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on July 24, 2020, 11:32:36 AM
every visit to mum for seven weeks will be dominated by the phrase "county lines" that she heard on the news for the first time last week. fifty-six days until the next spin of the wheel. hope it's something that won't lead her into starting a fight with herself next time
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Neville Chamberlain on July 24, 2020, 02:00:48 PM
Gary makes his first post-lockdown, non-food purchase: a FailArmy T-shirt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bazooka on July 24, 2020, 03:04:56 PM
A sausage roll provides enough calories for a genocide in Hull.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on July 24, 2020, 03:38:30 PM
A Michelin star chef reopens his restaurant and receives his first order.

"Cheesy Chips"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 24, 2020, 04:34:20 PM
Hello 'S'Ploff'! Time to come back to Netflix.


And you do. You always do.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 24, 2020, 08:31:59 PM
Your aunt buys you dental dams for Christmas. Seems to be some suggestion of usage, what
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 24, 2020, 08:34:40 PM
Donald Trump goes around Washington on a special trike he calls the "Trumpsical", distributing hand sanitizer that only has 20% alcohol in it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 25, 2020, 10:13:11 AM
A lone wolf tries to get #Starmertroopers trending on twitter.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on July 25, 2020, 02:54:14 PM
Your kids self-publish a sideways take on the Terry Christian multiverse.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 25, 2020, 06:33:37 PM
A Mike Berry tribute act flops on a wet Monday in Cleethorpes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on July 25, 2020, 09:04:56 PM
Competitive hotdog eaters nearing limit of human performance

A maximum of 84 hotdogs in 10 minutes is possible, says sports science study

https://www.theguardian.com/food/2020/jul/15/competitive-hotdog-eaters-nearing-limit-of-human-performance
A national newspaper describes competitive eating as "elite competition".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 25, 2020, 10:40:19 PM
Your kids self-publish a sideways take on the Terry Christian multiverse.

Terry Christian is the lead role in a sequel to Sideways.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on July 28, 2020, 02:02:20 AM
You're out in the the garden, dressed as a playing card, painting the roses with blood.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 29, 2020, 10:51:21 AM
Your Duisburg coprophiliac mate rents some shat on dodgems and exclusive rights to the tune Return of The Mack for your birthday.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 29, 2020, 11:07:48 AM
Busting a covid lung on the fondant ward to 'Glory Days'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on July 29, 2020, 11:26:26 AM
'I want lung cancer, like my hero Roy,' pipes up little Aziz.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 29, 2020, 12:28:36 PM
A masturbating gelfling is discovered at the back of Forbidden Planet, Birmingham, ruining the gentle movie magic for a bunch of Brummagem geeks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on July 29, 2020, 08:31:14 PM
"GET OUT OF THE FUKIN POND YOU CUNT"

The 10 year old goldfish is nonplussed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on July 29, 2020, 08:32:05 PM
A black hole accidentally reverses it's functions and spunks a universe.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on July 29, 2020, 08:33:28 PM
10 FORKS IN A BURNT SUASAGE.

The bbq didn't go as planned.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 29, 2020, 08:34:04 PM
You spend 48 hours alone in the dark, wanking to fetish porn. You emerge from the horror a changed pleb, losing much of your dignity and sense of perspective on the globe.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 29, 2020, 10:10:50 PM
A Matt Berry tribute act astonds the finest minds of stevenage
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 30, 2020, 01:22:46 AM
Bernie Clifton disowns Ostrich in the press. "He never meant much to me. We split up on bad terms. I'd like to say I wish him the best with the rest of his career but that would be a lie."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 30, 2020, 02:02:56 AM
Andrew Lloyd Webber - inspired by Hamilton - tells the story of Nelson through grime and isn’t so much cancelled as ended.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 30, 2020, 02:58:03 AM
Boris Johnson says "Ah fuck it, I hate you all. Fuck the nation! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on July 30, 2020, 09:14:24 AM
Boris Johnson says "Ah fuck it, I hate you all. Fuck the nation! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!"

The Tories go up eighteen percentage points in the next round of opinion polls.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bazooka on July 30, 2020, 10:58:11 AM
A man breaks down in front of a family in the pet food aisle of Morrisons,clutching a can of Winalot and announcing his addiction to penis enlargement pills.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on July 30, 2020, 11:05:33 AM
The first batch of M&Ms/Covid-19 Christmas tie-ins roll off the production line. The MD traps one under his shiny loafer and swaps winning nods with his perky assistant, Brock.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Dannyhood91 on July 30, 2020, 11:09:38 AM
An artist submits you as a Turner prize entry
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on July 30, 2020, 12:39:57 PM
An Anglican curate’s assembly veers into mulch speculation and pubis.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on July 30, 2020, 02:41:55 PM
A Mike Berry tribute act flops on a wet Monday in Cleethorpes.
Matt Berry killed in the zimmer frame crossfire. Nick still going strong.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on July 31, 2020, 02:29:03 AM
A methed up Bob Ross headbutts a wardrobe.

Boris Johnson jibbers his way to a another election victory.

Dan Cruickshank pays the equivalent of £316 to shit inside the Great Pyramid Of Giza. He doesn't wipe.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 31, 2020, 11:29:42 AM
One of the ingredients in your dim sum is 'porno'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 31, 2020, 01:06:50 PM
While sunburning in Rhyl, you giddily misinterpret a property valuation report as signifying your 1980s semi-detached in Swindon is a listed building.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 31, 2020, 01:08:23 PM
All forms of avian shit rain down on you with unearthly vengeance, including chicken.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on July 31, 2020, 01:35:35 PM
You put your car in for a service, ask when you'll get it back

"You're not getting it back mate, fuck off"

Nothing you can say to that
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on July 31, 2020, 09:43:27 PM
the voice at the other and of the phone dismisses you, "no, Macmillan don't help people with cankers"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 01, 2020, 01:25:26 AM
Andrew Marr goes into a secret cubicle at the BBC and sacrifices a dolphin to Esther Rantzen.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on August 01, 2020, 03:10:48 AM
Unable to stop yourself from watching a Flog It marathon the day after your dog dies.

Drinking tuna brine.

A tribute act of a tribute act.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 01, 2020, 05:29:36 AM
Your DVR is buggered, so in desperation, you break out the old VHS player and tape over a rare VHS recording of Frank Sinatra duetting with Sid Vicious for an hour with tonight's edition of The One Show, featuring guests Fay Ripley and Jeffrey Archer, plus a look at cowpats.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: clingfilm portent on August 01, 2020, 05:33:40 AM
You crucify yourself over a missed opportunity to speak to that one barista who smiled at you once, have a sandwich then kill yourself in a pedalo.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 01, 2020, 10:44:51 AM
You ask Peter Capaldi for his autograph but he just growls and says "Fuck Who!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 01, 2020, 11:38:48 AM
You dob yourself in for accidentally upskirting an old man's balls.

Murmurs of concert echo around the courtroom as they decide to make an example of you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on August 01, 2020, 06:57:51 PM
A lost episode of All Creatures Great and Small is aired, in which Christopher Timothy shoves his arm up a cow's chuff and pulls out a baby with the head of Jim Davidson
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 02, 2020, 12:25:01 AM
^Heh!

A drunken Tom O' Connor embarrasses his grandkids at a 21st Birthday bash in a Bootle pub by putting on a home-made Lady Gaga mask and singing "my new pop smash, The Poker Face!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on August 02, 2020, 12:33:27 AM


A drunken Tom O' Connor embarrasses his grandkids at a 21st Birthday bash in a Bootle pub by putting on a home-made Lady Gaga mask and singing "my new pop smash, The Poker Face!"

Lovely to have you back, flower
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on August 02, 2020, 12:34:07 AM
Your bowel movement requires attendance from an Incident Support Unit
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 02, 2020, 01:08:36 AM
Lovely to have you back, flower

:)

You but mint ice cream in Lidl but it's not one of those cheap-but-tasty buys. And you don't even like mint ice cream (well I don't anyway).
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 02, 2020, 10:39:27 AM
the council accidentally removed your area from the available housing list 18 months ago and you've only just figured out nobody else lives on the estate any more. you feel like Kevin McAllister, on an industrial scale. For this week, at least
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 02, 2020, 12:24:04 PM
Real life deso: Walking towards the park the other morning. Competitive dad with well-set JohnBarrowmanesque haircut sprints past on the other side of the road. A small child is scampering along in his wake. Dad keeps looking back at his progeny, as if they were a new pair of trail approach trainers that weren't living up to their £140 billing. "C'mon, c'mon. C'mon."  Then, thirty seconds later, another child! Even littler and clearly not enjoying his morning run, which is hampered by his miniature build and also stymied by his amputated left arm. Dad starts circling back to the straggler, "Harry, c'mon! Keep up with your brother! C'mon!" - before sprinting off way ahead of his boys, down that cut that takes you around the medical centre and disgorges you near 'Spoons. Harry follows.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on August 02, 2020, 12:28:23 PM
Last weekend your girlfriend bought a tandem. Today you find a stranger's semen on the rear seat. Nervously you sniff the front one.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on August 02, 2020, 12:30:07 PM
Nothing is ever spherical enough.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 02, 2020, 01:30:46 PM
Last weekend your girlfriend bought a tandem. Today you find a stranger's semen on the rear seat. Nervously you sniff the front one.

'Ah, well.' you think. 'It's easy money'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 02, 2020, 02:45:55 PM
You're just about to have a nice afternoon kip when the arsehole next door starts doing really loud gardening.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: seepage on August 02, 2020, 03:44:00 PM
around the medical centre and disgorges you near 'Spoons.

always a good idea to have a medical centre near a 'spoons
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 02, 2020, 08:50:07 PM
Bogged down in a gloom-mire.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 02, 2020, 11:23:28 PM
You are unknowingly used as the “before” example in the advertising material for a life improvement course.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 03, 2020, 03:18:08 AM
Your long-lost uncle sends you a crap post card which simply states "Because you never bothered visiting me I am leaving you out of my will. Yes, I know I am 'long-lost', but you could have made the effort to track me down here in Outer Mongolia. Anyway you will not see a single penny my not-insubstantial fortune. Take care now!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 03, 2020, 04:11:22 AM
After brief consideration, you are disinherited by a beagle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on August 03, 2020, 06:36:50 AM
A rival paedophile heritage centre wins that lottery grant you were after.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 03, 2020, 08:50:16 AM
Your pupils eat your irises.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 03, 2020, 10:12:24 AM
Your pupils eat your irises.

your retaliation makes the news for weeks and destroys your teaching career, but you make more money and get more recognition when you end up on the stand-up circuit for a few years. plus the residual celebrity filler telly gigs
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: DoesNotFollow on August 03, 2020, 11:36:45 AM
Lewis Hamilton inspires a generation of black kids to go round in circles really fast.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: DoesNotFollow on August 03, 2020, 11:39:30 AM
Signed off due to stress from your job counting clouds.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 03, 2020, 02:45:51 PM
Lewis Hamilton inspires a generation of black kids to go round in circles really fast.

Lewis Hamilton inspires a generation of Darren kids to puncture their left front tyre and leave it like that
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: clingfilm portent on August 03, 2020, 02:54:35 PM
You take up lovely crack to get over your M&M addiction. Then your coat gets snagged exiting an Uber and a cement lorry takes your heid aff.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 03, 2020, 03:23:48 PM
Meet your new step dad, Roy “chubby” Brown!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on August 03, 2020, 05:17:49 PM
Meet your new step dad, Roy “chubby” Brown!

He fits right in to your family WhatsApp group
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 03, 2020, 05:46:33 PM
The Food Standards Agency taser you to death after your picnic attracts a 1* rating and you refuse to stop eating some mini cheddars which fell into a dog shit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 03, 2020, 06:08:42 PM
There is a problem in Oswestry involving your heels.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 03, 2020, 06:38:20 PM
Crushed by a pallet of fray bentos pies.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: poo on August 03, 2020, 06:58:41 PM
Rocco Siffredi is revealed as the new face of Ginsters.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on August 03, 2020, 08:36:41 PM
Rocco Siffredi is revealed as the new face of Ginsters.

Laughed
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bence Fekete on August 03, 2020, 11:44:15 PM
Bob Dylan's deathbed autotunes to Techno.FM
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 03, 2020, 11:46:12 PM
Jacob Rees-Mogg tapping his foot to a muzak version of Lighthouse Family's 'Lifted' on the drive to work.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 04, 2020, 11:19:37 PM
The Food Standards Agency taser you to death after your picnic attracts a 1* rating and you refuse to stop eating some mini cheddars which fell into a dog shit.

Very funny
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 05, 2020, 06:29:05 AM
Nick Owen spots Flog It! presenter Paul Martin and his family on holiday in the Seychelles and starts photobombing all his holiday snaps. Eventually Martin takes Owen aside and explains, "Look Nick, I like you and everything but my family aren't happy with you jumping in every time we take a holiday snap. Just fuck off, okay?"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on August 05, 2020, 10:14:47 AM
Giddy, exciting, whirlwind romance, great sex, a real looker, gets on great with all your friends and family, more great sex,  shares all your kinks, beautiful wedding on nicest day of the year, incredible honeymoon on a tropical island paradise. It's only after all this that you discover your new spouse pronounces vase 'vaise'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 05, 2020, 01:05:15 PM
Giddy, exciting, whirlwind romance, great sex, a real looker, gets on great with all your friends and family, more great sex,  shares all your kinks, beautiful wedding on nicest day of the year, incredible honeymoon on a tropical island paradise. It's only after all this that you discover your new spouse pronounces vase 'vaise'

That's just beyond deso. I'm lost for words.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 05, 2020, 02:46:31 PM
Your marriage proposal 'M A r r y M e' spelled in Pringles on the bed, is excitedly accepted
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 05, 2020, 03:33:52 PM
Your marriage proposal 'M A r r y M e' spelled in Pringles on the bed, is excitedly accepted

Shouldn't this be in Euphoria?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 05, 2020, 04:20:10 PM
Trong of Wigan's breath smells of dog shit even on the days he doesnt eat dog shit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on August 06, 2020, 02:28:13 AM
After brief consideration, you are disinherited by a beagle.

After brief consideration, you are disinherited by Jeremy Beadle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on August 06, 2020, 02:29:47 AM
Bob Dylan's deathbed autotunes to Techno.FM

Bob Dylan's deathbed groans become an autotuned no 1. played on Techno.FM and other hip & happening radio stations.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on August 07, 2020, 11:13:19 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/Q041jex.png)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 07, 2020, 12:44:42 PM
Trong of Wigan balances a turd under his nose and upper lip. 'There', he exclaims. 'Happy now?'

He is.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 07, 2020, 01:56:13 PM
a comedian's opening line to a Wigan audience is "Pies." howling
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 10, 2020, 11:01:22 PM
A meteor kills your dog Martin.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 11, 2020, 12:39:29 AM
A meteor kills your dog Martin.

hey, a meteor killed your dog, Martin
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 11, 2020, 12:40:46 AM
a meteor killed your dog Martin?

One for the “unlikely Kilroy episodes” thread (that doesn’t exist)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: rilk on August 11, 2020, 02:33:53 AM
dragging yourself through life like a wet fly on a garden table
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on August 11, 2020, 06:29:22 AM
A meteor kills your dog Martin.

Hey, do you know your dog, Martin?

Meteor killed him
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on August 11, 2020, 06:30:41 AM
A meteor kills your dog Martin.

Hey, do you know who's dog, called Martin, was killed by a meteor?

Yours
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on August 11, 2020, 06:31:42 AM
dragging yourself through life like a wet fly on a garden table

That's absolutely ace
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 11, 2020, 04:48:22 PM
'NAH my name is #DRAGON—FLY/WHAT, my brother, yeah it's all one word,' explains Simon to his fibre broadband provider.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on August 11, 2020, 05:10:30 PM
Giddy, exciting, whirlwind romance, great sex, a real looker, gets on great with all your friends and family, more great sex,  shares all your kinks, beautiful wedding on nicest day of the year, incredible honeymoon on a tropical island paradise. It's only after all this that you discover your new spouse's favourite food is "cheesy chips".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on August 11, 2020, 05:34:09 PM
Beer52 send you a crate of Volvic with a note inside that just says "Mate".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on August 11, 2020, 05:38:03 PM
Saying "Hey now" to an unforeseen driving event on a nondescript Midlands roundabout does not save you from life-changing surgical interventions. Also, you can forget about the ice cream in the boot. The wife's going to be so fucking angry.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Leon-C on August 11, 2020, 08:26:02 PM
You wake slowly in the converted loft of your elderly mother's bungalow. A sound below you draws you sharply back to consciousness, and you sit bolt upright in bed. You crack your head on the shelf above you and send your collection of Hillary Clinton Funko Pops scattering across the floor. As you rub your head, you glance at the clock next to you. 18:44.

Your faculties return and the sound that awoke you becomes clearer. Mother has brought another suitor home from the bingo. Every groan and moan, every wet creak, the sound of every laboured thrust reaches you through the paper-thin floor. You sit in silence, and gradually grow tumescent. Your eyes are drawn to the old carcass of the watermelon sat on the desk opposite. That small hole in the surface, once bright red and inviting, is now a bluish shade of black, ruined by your seed. Despite this you think to yourself, "it'll be good for one more go".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 11, 2020, 09:26:32 PM
Craig David makes his excuses and leaves your birthday party after 45 minutes.

You see him on Instagram later that evening laughing it up with Daniel Bedingfield.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: QDRPHNC on August 11, 2020, 10:53:36 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/bP3ORKi.png)(https://i.imgur.com/IP22TZN.png)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on August 12, 2020, 12:43:03 AM
Mr Chips from Catchphrase signs the sex offenders register.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 12, 2020, 08:43:04 AM
A draining ringstinging shit moves into its 3rd hour. Slowly but surely, the strains of 'Dance The Night Away' by The Mavericks migrates amongst the deathly vapours.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 12, 2020, 09:48:48 AM
Your postman delivers proof that your life is based on the comedy of Ray Romano.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on August 12, 2020, 11:00:04 AM
July 28: cleaning out your garage you find your snow shovel. You decide to put it somewhere you will find it in the winter. After tripping over it 20 times, you throw it angrily to the back of your garage.

January 28: your car is trapped in a snow drift. Your children eat you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 12, 2020, 02:20:00 PM
Your parents stop speaking to you after you are denounced as a 'woofter' in a papal bull.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: rilk on August 12, 2020, 02:24:00 PM
The crabsticks have warmed in the boot of the car
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on August 12, 2020, 10:07:06 PM
Your wife’s face as you attempt to explain the concept of “Goldentony”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 12, 2020, 11:52:17 PM
Your wife’s face as you attempt to explain the concept of “Goldentony”.

Hit very close to home.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on August 13, 2020, 12:15:09 AM
Being spam followed by him from Manson with a boxset to sell.
Real life twitter desolation.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Leon-C on August 13, 2020, 02:48:29 AM
Wife says the dog's name during sex
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 13, 2020, 08:00:12 AM
Wife says the dog's name during sex

Laughed



Dog says the wifes name during sex. Then your name.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pink Gregory on August 13, 2020, 08:16:20 AM
You unwrap a Penguin bar without first reading the joke.

A jobbing copywiter subsequently feels a jolt of longing flash across his breast.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 13, 2020, 01:26:53 PM
You successfully trademark the phrase “Big Nonce Energy”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 13, 2020, 06:30:24 PM
Bob Pate posts, just running chubby chops down to the 'rexia clinic, on Wolverhampton Dadz Fb page.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 13, 2020, 06:32:16 PM
You celebrate easing of lockdown restrictions with a three week holiday in a dustbin in Shite Land.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on August 14, 2020, 12:08:29 AM
scraping slugs off the kitchen floor on a piece of card and yeeting them out the front door like a boss

(might also belong in euphoria)

THERE IS A SLUG ON MY BATHROOM WINDOW WHY?????/

(also real life deso - remembering you're a 40 year old British white girl and using words like yeet makes you sound like a right divvy).

(google chrome spellchecker refuses to recognise either deso or yeet as words).

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 14, 2020, 12:59:16 AM
You can't sleep and so start your own bumming conga line with imaginary naked people.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on August 15, 2020, 11:40:18 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EfZY4T1XYAMlJkl?format=jpg&name=small)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 15, 2020, 12:08:38 PM
Haha

Mint
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 15, 2020, 12:17:29 PM
You wake up to a world where cartoon characters can die of old age and illness, and they start doing, really quickly, upsetting millions.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 15, 2020, 12:23:38 PM
Beer then wine, you'll feel fine

Wine then beer, you'lYOU NOW HAVE AIDS
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 15, 2020, 06:50:16 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EfZY4T1XYAMlJkl?format=jpg&name=small)

That bloke out of East 17 has put on weight.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 15, 2020, 07:43:11 PM
The comments under any post in the /r/AlanPartridge subreddit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 16, 2020, 02:08:04 AM
The comments under any post in the /r/AlanPartridge subreddit.

including the inevitable defence of said comments. 24m36s in you already know which fucking episode
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bence Fekete on August 16, 2020, 03:02:13 AM
The man down the street who ran over your cat also runs over you intellectually later on at quiz night.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on August 16, 2020, 07:43:55 AM
Up The Arse Coroner.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on August 17, 2020, 12:15:07 PM
(https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/8f819910e2e9e8210f81d9ed48a82acecee0bfb1/0_48_3500_2100/master/3500.jpg?width=1225&quality=85&auto=format&fit=max&s=090a81939fc419c862e4f8ed3b8ffd03)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 17, 2020, 06:28:52 PM
A suburban picture framer puts up 4 entirely different notices in his shop across 6 weeks, all about being closed for 'a family bereavement'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 17, 2020, 06:29:18 PM
A Scottish widow insists she 'goes like the fucking clappers mate', even when all you are doing is absent mindedly standing watching a teenager fail to claw a mobile phone from the Nineties out of an amusement arcade machine.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 17, 2020, 06:55:47 PM
You are denied entry to an eagerly anticipated snail varnishing contest for being 'a paedo on every conceivable level'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 17, 2020, 07:30:05 PM
Guildford Secondary School admission criteria now includes being able to answer the question 'How big is a bogey?'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 17, 2020, 10:28:56 PM
In the middle of giving you a filling, your dentist looks aghast and runs to the phone to get advice from the builder.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 18, 2020, 09:38:43 AM
Elon Musk sends a dog-staffed shuttle towards an oily finger smudge on his astronomy app.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: rilk on August 18, 2020, 11:13:53 AM
Flowers suck all the air out of a house
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 18, 2020, 12:31:24 PM
An alleged mugging victim refuses to expand on his description of the assailant as 'An asian'.

'That is plenty to go on'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on August 18, 2020, 01:50:24 PM
Press-ganged into a role as a Gunt Analyst
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on August 18, 2020, 02:00:18 PM
Elon Musk sends a dog-staffed shuttle towards an oily finger smudge on his astronomy app.

The coffin of a starving child is put into orbit next to the Tesla to properly communicate the yin and yang of human values to any passing aliens.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 18, 2020, 03:05:14 PM
Warwick Davies is confirmed as untenable
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on August 18, 2020, 05:50:32 PM
An abortion in a gastro-pub car park becomes its next manager.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 18, 2020, 06:08:56 PM
A rotund droid packed to the tits with shit stands in a clearing and bellows FUCK SUPER SPREADERS HERE'S MY DIRTY PROTEST
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 18, 2020, 07:02:56 PM
Stephen Merchant's "nibbles" become redeemable to the tune of £11.17 at CashConverters.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on August 18, 2020, 09:06:01 PM
Upon blowing out the candles on the cake marking his 60th birthday, Gerald stuns the well-wishers by divulging that he had wished for a donkey in a sex swing.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 19, 2020, 05:16:06 PM
You stay up all night wanking to hardcore porn and slouch on the bus to work in a fug of guilt, shame and exhaustion.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 19, 2020, 05:54:09 PM
To provide much needed closure, all the current employees of Public Health England earning less than 100k are gassed en masse in Alfreton Services' Travelodge.

The RSPCA are instructed to remove the bodies and not to tell a soul, or Battersea Dogs Home will be next.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on August 19, 2020, 07:52:34 PM
Your PhD on Alanis Morissette is rejected because you spelt her name with two Rs throughout. Because it's the 90s you didn't use a word processor. Also you confused her with Stephen Morris from New Order on several occasions.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on August 19, 2020, 08:09:08 PM
Outfucked by a fat old disaster
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 19, 2020, 08:46:32 PM
Outfucked by a fat old disaster

Laughed
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on August 19, 2020, 09:10:33 PM
Your PhD on Alanis Morissette is rejected because you spelt her name with two Rs throughout. Because it's the 90s you didn't use a word processor. Also you confused her with Stephen Morris from New Order on several occasions.

ooh thats a bit IRONIC isnt it!?!

your uncle says upon hearing the news, elbowing you

you look into his eyes

is he a total fucking idiot or a genius?

the answer, you realise, is yes
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on August 19, 2020, 09:11:19 PM
Outfucked by a fat old disaster

incredible economy here
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on August 19, 2020, 10:20:04 PM
Bin maggots.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on August 20, 2020, 04:31:28 PM
Your bin maggots launch a GoFundMe to relocate to an abandoned Frankie and Bennys in Wrexham.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 20, 2020, 09:47:40 PM
Hattie Jacques and Kenneth Williams sing 'Oh Dear What Can the Matter Be?' as Sid James is slowly eaten alive by mealy worms.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 20, 2020, 10:11:43 PM
You reach across the bed to caress your bleeding kidnapped donkey
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 20, 2020, 11:22:05 PM
You film yourself getting a blow job from a friend out of a didgeridoo but PornHub removes it after it is flagged as cultural appropriation.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on August 21, 2020, 09:12:16 PM
A bin maggot takes over your house after throwing you in the bin.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 22, 2020, 10:45:15 AM
A cromulent essayist gets all listerine gargle down his front.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 22, 2020, 05:57:35 PM
You find the remnants of a Tesco Ready Meal in a dumpster.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 22, 2020, 06:12:28 PM
Up The Arse Coroner.

Up The Arse Colonel
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on August 22, 2020, 06:16:09 PM
You find the remnants of a Tesco Ready Meal in a dumpster.

You find the remnants of a dumpster in a Tesco Ready Meal.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 22, 2020, 11:35:01 PM
David Dickenson farts loudly in a tea shop in Devon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 23, 2020, 07:24:54 AM
a hack writer can't come up with a good American newsreader name so just writes Fart Loudly
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: idunnosomename on August 23, 2020, 09:44:23 AM
Get Your Own Back returns but it's paedophiles getting to gunge the child that grassed them up
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on August 23, 2020, 10:07:35 AM
A series of Tesco products are tainted by shards of metal in a blackmail scam. Nobody even notices.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 23, 2020, 03:57:08 PM
You stroll down Shittington Avenue, a sense of oppression and inhumanity glooming over you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on August 23, 2020, 08:01:15 PM
As penance for writing him a poor joke, Russell Howard requires you to devour his cum from a plate, with a knife and fork.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on August 23, 2020, 08:03:03 PM
"That's not devouring!" he exclaims, cavorting. Could he please put some clothes on.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 23, 2020, 10:04:43 PM
Get Your Own Back returns but it's paedophiles getting to gunge the child that grassed them up

Beadle's About returns with a similar format tweak
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: rue the polywhirl on August 23, 2020, 10:32:39 PM
You get a ‘Save £12 off £120 shop’ voucher from Waitrose before realising you have £108 in your account and you don’t want to rack up £120 at Waitrose. But the voucher compels you to.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 23, 2020, 10:53:10 PM
You cook a lovely roast but when you cut it open it's got all worms inside.

Simple as that.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on August 24, 2020, 11:46:06 AM
Jeremy Paxman presents a documentary on Pacman. It's 2 hours of him looking bewildered in an underlit arcade with all the machines turned off, interspersed with subliminal flash-frames of gurning MDMA users.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on August 24, 2020, 03:31:41 PM
Your anus turns on you.

A hungover Dave Lee Travis awakens to find the words “IDEA:The Subway DLT sandwich - Duck, Lettuce and Tomato. REDEMPTION?!” scrawled on his bedroom mirror in Anusol.

A pensioner’s wank garage appears as a POI on Apple maps.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 24, 2020, 05:30:52 PM
You pass Roni Size in the street and chirp, "Wow, I'm your biggest fan!" But Roni just looks at you disdainfully and tells you to fuck off.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on August 24, 2020, 07:07:20 PM
You pass Roni Size in the street and chirp, "Wow, I'm your biggest fan!" But Roni just looks at you disdainfully and tells you to fuck off.

Your attempt to lighten the situation by pointing out the Brown Paper Bag in your hand falls very flat indeed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: DoesNotFollow on August 25, 2020, 10:07:40 AM
Old Mavis is bottling bin juice again.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: DoesNotFollow on August 25, 2020, 10:09:42 AM
#binjuice
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: DoesNotFollow on August 25, 2020, 10:10:47 AM
#mavis
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on August 25, 2020, 12:21:07 PM
A Formula One fan sits down to watch the Formula One.
All of a sudden, nothing happens.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on August 25, 2020, 01:02:03 PM
Boaby McBride tries, and fails, to work out the exact moment his wife turned into Ernest Borgnine.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 25, 2020, 01:22:51 PM
Jeffrey Archer strangles a fox and leaves it behind a council house.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on August 25, 2020, 02:36:48 PM
David Van Day’s postman has a fatal shit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 25, 2020, 05:47:47 PM
A man in Havering has life-sized cardboard-cutouts of all the original Ghostbusters cast and he arranges them in his living room and talks to them every day.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 25, 2020, 10:32:21 PM
Kev's campaign to restore the 1987-2004 classic tap line-up - Stella-Foster's-Kroney-John Smith's-Strongbow - to every pub in the land hits 24.2 million wet signatures.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 25, 2020, 10:36:34 PM
A cold Monday evening, crap fish supper. Nothing on TV. Raining. Bed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 26, 2020, 07:20:55 AM
Jacob Rees-Mogg does a YouTube video encouraging children to return to school. "It's back! SCHOOL! Get y'copy books and pens ready kids and get ready to do some hard work!"

He repeatedly rings his secretary later to check her computer and see if its "gone virulent".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 26, 2020, 01:02:01 PM
Denzil gets his arse out for Seal Boy
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 26, 2020, 03:38:06 PM
Frantisek is shown the wrong way how to use a Ruthenian buttering wand.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 26, 2020, 03:53:18 PM
Steve Jobs is your spirit animal.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 26, 2020, 05:49:16 PM
Nigel Mansell appears to you in a vision one night and tells you there's going to be lots of plumping issues in the house soon, beware!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on August 26, 2020, 11:29:54 PM
24hr local forecast: a persistent grey, jizzy breeze.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on August 26, 2020, 11:43:54 PM
Up all night irrigating your bowel with your mum's water flosser.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 27, 2020, 04:23:23 AM
Your neighbour stares rudely in your window as you play your Xbox. Cunt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 27, 2020, 08:28:04 AM
Your anus is described as "pompous" by TV's Charlie Stayt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 27, 2020, 10:38:44 AM
your lesbian aunt goes off on a rant that basically says she'd rather get rid of all the trans women and just have awful men raping her because they think that will cure her

"sure, whatever shuts her up" is the family response
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 27, 2020, 01:18:50 PM
Your soufflé falls very, very flat.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on August 27, 2020, 08:54:49 PM
Cheered on by your mother, your childhood bully laugh-wanks over your obituary.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 27, 2020, 09:33:50 PM
 'The grave level wank shite he produces boggles the mind, but that's an oriental pegleg for you, right there'

Fortunately translating this school report into Cantonese leads his parents to believe great strides are being made. (Not in P.E, obviously)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 27, 2020, 11:01:15 PM
Salman Rushdie describes your debut novel as "AIDS-tier".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 28, 2020, 09:55:28 AM
Charred sex attacker fingers in a diseased paddling pool are rated 'Yum, 5 stars' by Alice from Swindon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 28, 2020, 11:17:34 AM
Your wife attempts to leave you for the child character in Love Actually
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on August 28, 2020, 11:25:10 AM
Rose West's Onlyfans raises £20,000 in the first ten days of opening.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 28, 2020, 11:34:04 AM
Man found slumped dead at keyboard. Hmm, doesn't look like a great way to go, think the parents.

"He died doing what he loved", they tell the press. "Trolling 'libtards' on a UK comedy forum."

The headstone reads: 'So much for the tolerant left'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 28, 2020, 11:44:13 AM
Ed Miliband is admitted to hospital with Peperami poisoning.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 28, 2020, 02:36:16 PM
Broken on the wheel. Smashed and ground into beetle tits by the hierarchical dysfunction of Costcutters area management.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on August 28, 2020, 05:20:36 PM
Your loneliness reaches Talk Sport regular caller level.

A wrong turn in a park results in a bumming by a haunted space hopper.

Gary Rhode's ghost wanders aimlessly around the bins behind a Swansea TK Maxx.

Your anal prolapse goes viral.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 28, 2020, 05:23:42 PM
Quote
Gary Rhode's ghost wanders aimlessly around the bins behind a Swansea TK Maxx.

'I wish I was Gary Rhodes' ghost', it laments, even more desolately.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 28, 2020, 06:14:53 PM
Stained gallops in Barrymore slather

Happy birthday Mister Presidennnnt
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 28, 2020, 08:19:27 PM
Joe Swash gets into a fistfight with Rik Waller in a carpark in Staines. A crowd gathers around and eggs them on.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 29, 2020, 12:15:59 PM
You wander around the rainy Mendips, as a mood-cloud tugs y'down.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: ASFTSN on August 29, 2020, 06:32:20 PM
You aimlessly walk into Elmers End.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 29, 2020, 09:22:42 PM
the cremation service numbers are bolstered by a Light Entertainment Audience, who clap along to the final music
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: DoesNotFollow on August 29, 2020, 09:50:16 PM
Genuinely excited about the prospect of a cesspit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on August 30, 2020, 12:52:26 AM
David Icke finds solace in a can of Tennents Super.

David Icke bickers with an episode of Painting With Bob Ross.

David Icke composes a passive aggressive email to the Postcode Lottery.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on August 30, 2020, 10:51:35 AM
Peter Hook crashes your nan's 90th birthday party, pisses against the cake, and offers you outside for a fight.

He's waiting for you in the car park, stripped to the waist in the rain.

What are you going to do?

Your family look expectantly towards you.

You know what they're like, time to decide.

Come on, make up your mind, before the chicken noises.

That cunt of a cousin of yours, Frank, he'll start it, just like always.

Time to decide now before the...

BWAWK!

Too late!

Now, what will you do?

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on August 30, 2020, 11:56:36 AM
the Gary Rhodes biopic stars Robert Webb as that's the best they could be arsed to find
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 30, 2020, 03:46:45 PM
You are informed that your mum has died and that she has donated her body to Heron Foods.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 30, 2020, 08:10:01 PM
Your status as a compost is confirmed in writing by The Soil Association.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on August 30, 2020, 10:34:22 PM
A wrong turn in a park results in a bumming by a haunted space hopper.

Nick Straker makes a soon to be failed attempt at a comeback via an 'edgy' rewrite hoping to go viral on tiktok

Wrong turn in a park, get bummed in the dark
it's bouncing away, space hoppers today...
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Hand Solo on August 31, 2020, 12:41:20 AM
the Gary Rhodes biopic stars Robert Webb as that's the best they could be arsed to find

When you're making ricotta, he'll be with you every step of the whey!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on August 31, 2020, 03:07:05 AM
Dead at 23. Funeral service. Dad's eulogy - "it's just one of them".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 31, 2020, 09:30:12 AM
A KFC grease sluicer is berated for 'not giving 110% for the shirt' by his store manager who says that Lakeisha, Matt and Sophia, by contrast 'left everything out on the pitch tonight'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on August 31, 2020, 11:30:56 AM
You told them you'd been to Magaluf with with your lass.

You'd spent the week in the dark, in your pants, watching Boon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 31, 2020, 10:03:05 PM
You think of your granny during sex to delay orgasm, and of your nanna to accelerate it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 31, 2020, 10:27:03 PM
Your mum know nooothing. She is from Barcelona.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 31, 2020, 11:04:18 PM
The local paedophile arrives in his van to deliver the weeks soil milk.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 01, 2020, 10:50:48 AM
You have never seen Alan Partridge so don't understand why everyone laughs after you shouted 'No chance, Scottish?' about your prospects of getting a girlfriend.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 01, 2020, 11:42:17 AM
Your anus is furloughed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 01, 2020, 09:08:05 PM
Your chemo nurse is in cahoots with Wayne Sleep, informs a fortune cookie, when properly decoded.

A judge places a compulsory proximity order on you, legally requiring you to at all times keep within 5 feet of Simon Bates.

Almost everyone you were at school with has forgotten you, except for the bully, your nemesis, who still has the occasional gloat-wank about you.




Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 01, 2020, 09:12:49 PM
You form a supergroup with Johnny Borrell and the drummer from the Pigeon Detectives.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 01, 2020, 10:42:44 PM
You have a gloat-wank while thinking about Johnny Borrell and the drummer from the Pigeon Detectives.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 02, 2020, 06:28:21 AM
Peter Hook auctions a 20GB 4th generation iPod “once owned by Ian Curtis”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 02, 2020, 02:37:56 PM
The Ebay algorythm highlights a cassette player "once owned by Ian Brady".

The Youtube algorythm highlights a "BBC Feminazi once owned by Jordan Peterson".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bence Fekete on September 03, 2020, 02:42:52 AM
Quirky science perv Jelson Flint liquidates his entire research advance on a professional class laser interferometer, only to discover --after feverishly unboxing at 4am to experiment on traumatized Hugh Pym sexdoll and somewhat stoic lover, 'Hughie'-- that it wasn't that kind of interferometer.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on September 03, 2020, 09:27:33 AM
A seagull slurps up chip soup from a greasy puddle.

The local pastor tickles his nads with stinging nettles pulled from your nanas grave.

The Pharoah consecrates his tomb with a proper long wank. Edging over papyrus scrolls for two hours.

Aliums have been observing you your whole life. They think you're stupid a cunt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 03, 2020, 10:00:56 AM
Your 'slem' readings (whatever they are) have gone through the floor.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 03, 2020, 12:35:19 PM
A 30 year collection of bottled cadaver farts is sold to an Anne Widdecombe superfan.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: poo on September 03, 2020, 12:37:23 PM
An algorithm classifies you as “Actual human dung”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 03, 2020, 12:47:45 PM
Question Time invites Rose West onto the panel for "balance".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 03, 2020, 10:40:02 PM
A Jesuit nonce takes his secret to his grave.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on September 03, 2020, 10:44:51 PM
Man dies of covid trying to make a dark gritty batman film
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: ollyboro on September 03, 2020, 11:12:50 PM
Gerald's collection of  recordings of the Test Card F Girl, made on V2000 video cassettes, is rendered unwatchable. He has no tissues left to cry into
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 04, 2020, 08:29:35 AM
And Epstein wept, for there were no more child anuses to conquer.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on September 04, 2020, 10:56:13 AM
After calling out a repairman who turns out to cost significantly more than the price of even a high-end luxury toaster, you find that every morning for the last 3 years your budgie has been flying over your polished-steel four-slot Dualit and systematically shitting in every slot.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 04, 2020, 01:21:10 PM
A grotty human bollock makes daily trips to Thatcher's grave to read her the latest COVID mortality figures.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 04, 2020, 02:26:27 PM
An Ant & Dec Saturday Night Takeaway writers meeting ends after nearly seven hours with nothing more than the word "BELMING" written on the whiteboard.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on September 04, 2020, 03:34:10 PM
Gerald's collection of  recordings of the Test Card F Girl, made on V2000 video cassettes, is rendered unwatchable. He has no tissues left to cry into

every gesture of condolence is met with a bitter "SHE HAD A NAME. IT WAS CAROLE HERSEE... AND BUBBLES...". The sobs stop any more info being dumped on ears that won't even bother to register
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 04, 2020, 04:11:32 PM
A piglet-fucker gets called a disgusting nonce on a Zoophilia discord.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: ASFTSN on September 06, 2020, 10:59:03 AM
You proudly declare yourself 'pre-lavatorial' and unplumb your toilet to convert it into a freestanding potty that you only defecate into in the living room, requiring it to be emptied by your physically struggling loved ones into another, fully functioning toilet. Proudly bedizening it with stickers of your favourite cartoon characters (Tommy Robinson, Jordan Peterson, Michel de Montaigne) you only refer to it as your 'pot-pot' and brook no quarter when challenged on the hygiene of your new lifestyle. The Guardian present this as a curious yet bold lifestyle choice in their four page feature on you in Weekend.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 06, 2020, 05:54:32 PM
A Taunton bus driver spends his lunch hour on twitter, gleefully shaming older celebrity women for having turkey necks, his failing marriage almost forgotten.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 06, 2020, 08:37:42 PM
Your chemo nurse is in cahoots with Wayne Sleep, informs a fortune cookie

Brilliant
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: ollyboro on September 06, 2020, 08:51:36 PM
Mary Lou's chances of winning Miss Pregnant Teen Tennessee are ruined when she miscarries during the bikini round.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on September 06, 2020, 10:22:16 PM
Mary Lou's chances of winning Miss Pregnant Teen Tennessee are ruined when she miscarries during the bikini round.

Holy fucking shit. It is rare that Desolation plumbs new depths.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 06, 2020, 10:55:47 PM
Neil Kinnock releases a single called 'The Kinnock Rap'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 07, 2020, 08:41:30 PM
Neil Kinnock releases a single called 'The Kinnock Rap'.

Finely poised on wonderfully silly and desolate. Good stuff.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 07, 2020, 09:02:31 PM
Finely poised on wonderfully silly and desolate. Good stuff.

Aw cheers Shoulders. High praise from deso royalty!

Meanwhile, Noel Edmonds digs cheesy gunk out of his toenails while his wife masturbates. "You don't turn me on no more, Edmonds."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 08, 2020, 07:00:12 AM
Jeff Bezos drops a single, dull penny into the cup of a homeless waif.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 08, 2020, 12:25:40 PM
An Ilford vomit enthusiast has to position his chin almost touching the pavement to get the 'bile tell' from this elderly Alsatian's breakfast chunder.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 08, 2020, 12:30:35 PM
A load of Philadelphia spread bursts in a shop in Harrow, spreading out on the pavement and blasting in peoples eyes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: seepage on September 08, 2020, 01:07:40 PM
^ I suppose that depends on where you stand on Philadelphia spread.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 08, 2020, 01:50:28 PM
Eamonn Holmes causes a spillage on the A30 near Bodmin.

Su Pollard unexpectedly encounters the void while putting the hoover away.

The rapist marrying your daughter scuffs your new kitchen tiles with his Doc Martins.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 08, 2020, 02:04:16 PM
^ I suppose that depends on where you stand on Philadelphia spread.

Wherever you stand on it, you'll probably slip! DESO.

Boris Johnson introduces a new tax on the homeless called 'Covid Tax', where you have to pay five grand for being homeless with the corona.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 08, 2020, 11:29:09 PM
Your golf egg yoghurt appears to have curdled, gone orf. Who is that stood at the top of a mound laughing?!

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on September 09, 2020, 06:19:55 AM
H from Steps has gender reassignment surgery so that she can become your step mum again.

"This time I really think it can work."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 09, 2020, 06:43:08 AM
Denise Van Outen
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 09, 2020, 08:34:03 AM
Ian Watkins from Lostprophets changes his name to Ian H From Steps Watkins and has gender reassignment surgery so she can become your step mum again.

“Son, this time we are going to fuck so many chillums. I am Haitch from Steps.”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 09, 2020, 08:48:34 AM
You stream a Pogs tournament on Twitch. You are the only contestant, and you own downwards of thirty Pogs.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on September 09, 2020, 11:34:49 AM
Ian Watkins from Lostprophets changes his name to Ian H From Steps Watkins and has gender reassignment surgery so she can become your step mum again.

“Son, this time we are going to fuck so many chillums. I am Haitch from Steps.”

He tries to pass it off as irony by speaking in a Stewart Lee Doing The Impression voice at all times. Naebdy buys it, except the dark haired boy from Steps
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: poo on September 09, 2020, 12:21:47 PM
Your wife's decision to divorce you is communicated via a post on a Vauxhall owners forum.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 09, 2020, 12:39:29 PM
Your wife's decision to divorce you is communicated via a post on a Vauxhall owners forum.

Bleak.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 09, 2020, 01:23:50 PM
IRL Deso. Amazon thinks I'm a smackhead.

(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/upload_2020-9-9_12-58-10-png.187011/)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 09, 2020, 03:43:42 PM
Your girlfriend takes a particular interest in VAT-reduced dildos.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 09, 2020, 04:24:27 PM
Through a slip of the tongue you order a 'Masala Deso' by accident in a South Indian restaurant and boy does it arrive.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 09, 2020, 05:43:02 PM
You stage a production of Digby, the Biggest Dog in the World in a nearby field before suffering a massive nervous breakdown.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: H-O-W-L on September 09, 2020, 09:03:14 PM
Lifeseeker's 'Gone Guru' blares out of a shopping trolley turned battlewagon on a Dunte council estate at 3am as a beleaguered, COVID-addled office worker merely attempts to hobble home after a night of being SCREAMED at by his manager for mistakenly calling her 'Shirley' instead of 'Shirlei'.

The Raiders are coming. The bass shakes the concrete. His breath is frigid, and billows up over his sweat and tear filled eyes. There are no bins to hide in. Baseball bats pound hubcap shields. Creaking leather and rattling chains draw closer as the music gets louder and louder. He huddles under the bench of a bus shelter in the hopes they might mistake him for discarded luggage.

They don't.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: H-O-W-L on September 09, 2020, 09:06:59 PM
"TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE, THEY CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WHEN THEY'VE GONE GURU" echoes to you down the breeze. You can see the battle-trolley rolling closer and closer through the fog of Boris Johnson's eruptive flatulence. A gleaming, newly-made battle-standard juts out of it. The wind catches the back of their new standard, and twists it to face you. The skinned form of a middle-manager comes to face you. A warning of what's to come.

"That's the way we're goin', Captain." remarks your bus driver.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 10, 2020, 11:56:00 AM
After you retrieve the wrong colour espadrilles from the stock room, H from Steps calls you a shitcunt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: poo on September 10, 2020, 01:40:26 PM
Your gravestone reads: “The Tarzan of Cup-a-Soup”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 10, 2020, 04:02:28 PM
There are sections of Yorkshire where 'folk' communicated through a simplistic series of farts and burps.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: I.D. Smith on September 10, 2020, 05:10:06 PM
It's a Sunday night in 1994 and your Mum gets you 'ITN News At 10: The Video Game' on the C64 for your 11th Birthday. You try to play it before bedtime but it just gets stuck on the title screen, the music playing on a loop. Your Dad comes in the bedroom and says "Reet, yer nae longer a boy noo, son. Yer a man, and fae noo on you'll be earnin' yer keep. You'll be helping me decorate yer sister's room first, starting on Saturday"* He pats your head and walks out your bedroom.

You notice the music has stopped and the game has loaded: 'Level 1: The Maastricht Treaty'.



*Your Dad has travelled about a bit in his youth, hence the mixed regional accents
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 10, 2020, 05:32:41 PM
A cargo cult based around a crate of Jimmy Saville memoirs has its way with Ben Fogle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 10, 2020, 06:16:43 PM
A giant '80s mullet descends from space and starts attacking parts of Devonshire.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: H-O-W-L on September 10, 2020, 06:48:43 PM
While drunkenly traversing a public estuary after being denied entry to Zippo's Circus, you hear the faint synth tones of John Carpenter, informing you that The Death Squad has been deployed in your area, and is actively tracking your GPS. You fumble for the scalpel in your trousers, hoping to dig the implant out of your rotting skin before it gives you away.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on September 10, 2020, 07:46:10 PM
you discover by reading the latest issue of Viz in a specific spot in a specific store transports you back to a point between 1978 and now. You mainly use this skill to go to a shop and read Viz for free. You are forever tempted by the urge to nick future material and really make it in 80s comedy. Amazing times
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on September 10, 2020, 08:53:53 PM
Chris marries a cement mixer, "For a laugh".

Nine months later and he's showing off a Tonka cement mixer as "My son, Darren."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: H-O-W-L on September 11, 2020, 12:46:35 AM
Your boots rapidly sink further and further into the concrete of a busy street. Passers-by try to ignore you as you scream for relief. You are entering the Edmonds Dimension inch by inch.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: H-O-W-L on September 11, 2020, 12:55:32 AM
Laying in a private euthanasia clinic in Stoke, 2022, awaiting your Mandatory Expiry as you watch the video to Culture Beat's "Mr Vain" on a loop.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 11, 2020, 01:59:27 AM
Your obituary in NME likens your creative output to Fatman Scoop.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: H-O-W-L on September 11, 2020, 06:13:42 AM
Crashing through the skylight of a 17th-century brothel and landing inside the nearest prosser, never to return. A recreation of the intro of Mouse Hunt ensues with several men shining lantern-lights down her crevice to try and find your long-lost carcass.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 11, 2020, 07:16:00 AM
Jimmy Carr lookalike opens shopping centre in Hull.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 11, 2020, 07:39:24 AM
Jimmy Carr lookalike opens shopping centre in Hull.

The shopping centre is a lookalike of Mick Philpott's house, post-blaze.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 11, 2020, 02:37:03 PM
Jimmy Five Bellies is the new Doctor Who, he believes mistakenly.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 11, 2020, 05:00:44 PM
A nihilistic landlord describes humanity as "sentimental drivel".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 11, 2020, 06:49:29 PM
ITL TV deso here from Who Lives in a House Like This?
https://twitter.com/AccidentalP/status/1304329458468483072
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on September 11, 2020, 06:54:10 PM
After some months in a coma, a man awakens to find himself in a car park propped up on bricks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on September 11, 2020, 07:59:03 PM
It's what separates us from the animals, isn't it really, when you think about it, the gravy
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 11, 2020, 10:27:29 PM
You accidentally honeymoon on an industrial estate in a depressing shithole.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 12, 2020, 12:11:40 PM
Two-hour bus journey to get your piles treated. Noisy cunt at back of bus. Rain.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on September 12, 2020, 12:29:41 PM
Jimmy Five Bellies is the new Doctor Who, he believes mistakenly.

the BBC is scrapped and all its staff, everyone who's ever worked for them directly or as contractors or producing content, and their immediate families are sent to death camps for refusing to just go along with that anyway, on the grounds of the compelling argument "just go on though! imagine it! *cackles* but Jimmy Five Bellies! just go on though!" repeated over any attempt to discuss the matter.

this argument goes to form an ideology regarded as complete by all academics and true thinkers. no academic or true thinker gets sent to a death camp, after all.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 12, 2020, 02:49:10 PM
Two-hour bus journey to get your piles treated. Noisy cunt at back of bus. Rain.

Bumpy road.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 12, 2020, 02:50:41 PM
Your anal fissure is on the electoral role.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 12, 2020, 02:53:11 PM
Even your leprosy can’t stand you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 12, 2020, 04:11:14 PM
Bumpy road.

Bad driver an' all.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on September 12, 2020, 06:46:25 PM
The disembodied sax solo from 'Thorn In My Side' echoes through an empty shopping centre like a chilly wind.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 12, 2020, 07:00:00 PM
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/img-20200908-wa0000-jpg.187273/)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Thomas on September 13, 2020, 02:05:12 AM
Post-divorce camping trip for one. A wrongly reintroduced otter gets into your tent and degloves your face.

You run over the UK's last hedgehog and - utterly despairing for all the prematurely lost creatures of Earth - cry for ages in a lay-by. It gets dark. A surprisingly attractive dogger comes to knock on your window, intending to invite you to join the party, but on seeing your face, hair, and body, thinks better of it. She retreats into an orgasmic wooded gloom that - let's face it - would arouse nothing in you anyway, not any more. You drive home and never tell anybody about the hedgehog.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pink Gregory on September 13, 2020, 09:36:07 AM
Up above the streets and houses

nuclear air burst
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 13, 2020, 10:09:19 AM
When you dribble people have decided it means that you agree. But you can't communicate they're wrong. You can only dribble.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: poo on September 13, 2020, 11:18:38 AM
Your Halfords discount voucher code is GIPPOCUNT
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 13, 2020, 01:25:05 PM
Michael Heseltine skateboards around Chicago screaming, "I'M A TRUE BLUE TORY GOONER!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Earnest Sexpot on September 13, 2020, 05:14:10 PM
An off-handed quip about your youthful attraction to the Cadbury's Caramel Bunny at a parents' evening leads to years of "Donna's dad's a rabbit-shagger" torment
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on September 13, 2020, 05:23:31 PM
A Christian Rock Weekender on ketamine and shrooms.

You mull over your cancer diagnosis with an own brand Lidl pot noodle.

Stabbed in a chippy over your choice of condiment.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 13, 2020, 09:49:45 PM
Your birth is cancelled due to lack of interest.

The prospect of a new Then Jerico album is all that’s keeping you going. That and the chemotherapy.

Your attempt to head a sex cult ends up with a lot of unwanted bumming.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: ollyboro on September 13, 2020, 10:57:21 PM
A Rottweiler loses his erection whilst fucking your leg.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on September 14, 2020, 10:52:28 AM
While eating your breakfast, you find a Shreddie that looks exactly like your ex-wife. In a few seconds it withers and dissolves like your marriage just did.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 14, 2020, 11:06:56 AM
Brian Conley cancels his appearance at the opening of a new Poundstretcher because he believes it is "beneath him". When the phone stops ringing over the next few months he rings the head office of Poundstretcher to apologize, and offers his services for the opening of "any Poundstretcher, anywhere".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 14, 2020, 02:05:16 PM
A shop worker calls you “a stupid old cunt” for no real reason. You ask him if he kisses his mother with that potty of a mouth, and dine out for years on the anecdote, calling it your “Falling Down moment”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 14, 2020, 02:14:54 PM
"Er, Dawn, can I have a word?"

"No Tim, you pathetic streak of piss."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 14, 2020, 02:52:38 PM
There were ten in the bed and the little one said “is there any more of the eleventh’s liver left?”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 14, 2020, 03:05:30 PM
People gloom around in a misery-town.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 14, 2020, 04:49:12 PM
You enter the nursery to see your infant son using a Stickle Brick to peel his own face off.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 14, 2020, 07:16:05 PM
You find your mum crying sat alone in her Ka in the driveway. When you ask her what the matter is she sobs uncontrollably and says “sore cunny, sore cunny”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 14, 2020, 07:17:03 PM
You keep coming across interviews with celebrities saying they are atheists, and this triggers fucking massive anxiety!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 14, 2020, 08:01:23 PM
Cornering you in a pub toilet, a stranger introduces you to his polyp.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 14, 2020, 08:02:19 PM
"Hello, I'm Harold Bishop."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on September 15, 2020, 01:52:46 AM
Your friend George admits to you that he was abused by Saville, but on further questioning you discover this consisted of him being called a 'doughy pig abortion, 0.5/10' and sent home.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on September 15, 2020, 02:20:58 AM
You first find out your girlfriend was pregnant when the vet comes back and tells you that she's miscarried all her pups. You get them baptised anyway, because you think it's a sin to lie with heathens.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 15, 2020, 05:06:42 PM
Peter Hitchens describes Richard Littlejohn as a "feminist".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 16, 2020, 12:06:06 AM
You hear that SARS-CoV-2 was caused by a pangolin, so you eat them all.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on September 16, 2020, 12:47:47 AM
Ed Sheehan is booked to play Candle In The Wind at Elton John's funeral.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 16, 2020, 12:49:21 AM
Ed Sheeran is booked to play Hey Jude at Paul McCartney’s funeral.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 16, 2020, 12:50:12 AM
Also works with Angels at Robbie Williams’ funeral.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on September 16, 2020, 07:54:25 AM
No it doesn't
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 16, 2020, 10:28:17 AM
Yes it does
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 16, 2020, 10:29:52 AM
Ed Sherring hums the Last Post at Jacob Rees-Mogg's funeral for his fifth favourite child.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 16, 2020, 02:43:26 PM
Nigel Lythgoe goes around London taking all the change out of the cups of people begging.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 16, 2020, 04:41:12 PM
https://twitter.com/GeorgeWeaver20/status/1306192594662305792
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 16, 2020, 06:19:45 PM
https://twitter.com/GeorgeWeaver20/status/1306192594662305792

"Where any of those Addidas trainers not stolen, Gary?"

"No, Daz. No."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 16, 2020, 09:43:09 PM
The Apprentice is shown on all channels, 24/7.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on September 17, 2020, 12:36:54 AM
Your skeleton's had enough, and fucks off into the night. The slamming of the door sends brief ripples across the still sentient remains: a sac of helpless, meaty slop.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on September 17, 2020, 12:39:12 AM
"Don't break my legs, my achy, breaky legs!" moans Billy Ray Cyrus. But that won't save him. Oh no. Once more comes the golf club.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on September 17, 2020, 12:44:07 AM
The phone rings: your spouse has won the lottery! But unfortunately it's the industrial accident lottery. They will be returned to you in a small plastic bag. Which they'll need back, by the way.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on September 17, 2020, 04:17:51 AM
You rub Vicks Vapo-Rub over the end of your penis to distract from the pain of losing an ebay auction for a replacement apple mac charger.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 17, 2020, 12:16:13 PM
You're accused of being Sinophobic for declaring Tang Village's crispy beef as "horribly greasy".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 17, 2020, 12:40:54 PM
"Where any of those Addidas trainers not stolen, Gary?"

"No, Daz. No."

Hahahaha!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on September 17, 2020, 04:49:14 PM
Sex offenders edition of Guess Who?

"Did yours used to work for the BBC?"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 17, 2020, 08:43:02 PM
You accidentally click on a BDSM vid as your relatives arrive.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 17, 2020, 09:52:15 PM
Your unforgivable funeral wank makes it onto the crematorium's Xmas tape.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 18, 2020, 12:05:11 PM
The contents of an intemperate noodle sachet put paid to monthly Scat Night
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 18, 2020, 12:39:43 PM
An arse acts disrespectfully in a public venue.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on September 18, 2020, 01:08:32 PM
Moomintroll accidentally posts an obscene limerick into the group WhatsApp.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 18, 2020, 02:49:21 PM
You watch The Usual Suspects for the twentieth time, and are still surprised by who Keyer Soze is.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on September 19, 2020, 09:44:40 PM
Getting nostalgic for the simpler times, when Bukkake were only known as sperm baths.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 19, 2020, 10:44:40 PM
Your name suddenly becomes Güenter, and your non-avuncular uncle starts calling you Cunter.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 20, 2020, 10:47:48 AM
How did a guy born in Scunthorpe in the 1980s go on to become Nothing?


Find out Tonight, in Nothing
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 20, 2020, 12:14:38 PM
John from Worthing plays Crash Bandicoot on his old PS1 while his wife is having triplets. The nursemaid sends him a pic and he replies with a smiley emoji. Then it's back to Crash Bandicoot.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 20, 2020, 12:25:30 PM
A mobile cervical smear testing scheme turns out be a wrong-brained ex squaddie with a packet of cotton ear buds at the back of the Asda shuttle bus.

Richard Dawkins chases an Islamic blue-bottle around his conservatory with a rolled up Observer.

Your old wank puppet winds up on Storage Wars.




Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on September 20, 2020, 02:36:24 PM
https://twitter.com/TheMichaelMoran/status/1307622000156987393?s=09

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EiWbPkWXsAEdALf?format=jpg&name=medium)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on September 21, 2020, 02:13:26 AM
Your mum pays to go and see a Psychic who claims to speak to the characters killed off in Soap Operas.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 21, 2020, 09:21:52 PM
Your official, legal, registered civil partner says your jeb helm honks of cliffs
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 21, 2020, 09:29:38 PM
Mid-examination, your proctologist starts nervously reciting the Lord’s Prayer under their breath.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 22, 2020, 01:18:10 PM
A melted Aero clogs up your good suit jacket pocket.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 22, 2020, 07:24:53 PM
It's arse nits. And the matron approaches with the dreaded nit comb.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on September 23, 2020, 02:19:40 AM
Your wife has had enough and makes you sells off your rat milk dairy.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 23, 2020, 10:04:09 AM
Stereophonics steal your dog. You ask them to give it back, but they won't. They just won't!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on September 23, 2020, 10:17:09 AM
Stereophonics steal your dog. You ask them to give it back, but they won't. They just won't!

your counter of sending then a thousand Swan Vestas is completely ignored
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on September 23, 2020, 12:59:25 PM
No, filling up empty Fray Bentos tins with your own manure and then fly tipping them on national trust ground is not performance art, it’s Satan’s work and you know it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 23, 2020, 01:01:54 PM
Ron from Stornoway begins a bitter dispute with his local supermarket over their batch of stale digestives.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Quote on September 23, 2020, 01:30:48 PM
'The Britain We Knew' Facebook group:

Quote
Jan: Thinking back to the days of daily milk delivery ... remember the milkman?

Dave: He was a f*cking nonce
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on September 23, 2020, 02:03:52 PM
https://twitter.com/TheMichaelMoran/status/1307622000156987393?s=09

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EiWbPkWXsAEdALf?format=jpg&name=medium)

One of the comments is "any idea what the pair she died in retails at?" I laughed and laughed
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 23, 2020, 05:36:34 PM
An Arthur-Mallard-faced nun slimes a crucifix.

An abortion doctor's chess computer won't boot.

A flasher on the late train to Crewkerne just wants to talk... while masturbating with a rinsed-out Oasis Citrus Punch bottle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 24, 2020, 10:53:43 AM
Mark Francois has an underwhelming orgasm in a khaki wank swing suspended from the roof of his Anderson shelter.

A disgraced councilwoman with a Puffin phobia falls onto a Puffin-covered cliff ledge.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 24, 2020, 02:28:29 PM
A disgraced councilwoman with a Puffin phobia falls onto a Puffin-covered cliff ledge.

Karma.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 24, 2020, 03:40:19 PM
Long lost siblings unknowingly reconnect via a glory hole.

A Yeovil minicab stinks of spiders.

Work dries up for a Colin Welland lookalike.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 24, 2020, 03:58:53 PM
A waste of space calls his son Pope John Paul II Jenkins.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on September 24, 2020, 04:02:09 PM
Public bumming for panic buyers is defeated in the House of Lords.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 24, 2020, 04:59:07 PM
You are declared “Chode of the Year” in absentia.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 24, 2020, 05:26:56 PM
A rotten gherkin is the single item on today's dessert menu.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on September 24, 2020, 08:47:16 PM
You arrive home to be informed that your parents have donated your anus to a medical museum and that they'll be here to collect it shortly.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 24, 2020, 09:16:34 PM
You arrive home to be informed that your parents have donated your anus to a medical museum and that they'll be here to collect it shortly.

They just pull it off you and put it in a Tesco bag.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on September 25, 2020, 12:48:21 AM
The Amazon Affiliate box at the top of the forum is recommending JK Rowling's latest Cormorant Strike novel.

It has four and a half stars.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 25, 2020, 01:05:14 AM
The Amazon Affiliate box at the top of the forum is recommending JK Rowling's latest Cormorant Strike novel.

It has four and a half stars.

You become aware your shitposting is at least partially responsible for this.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on September 25, 2020, 09:44:31 AM
A monetised, social media post describes a horrible nonce crime and an appeal to bring the perp to justice, with your profile picture as the image of the person police want to speak to.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on September 25, 2020, 09:48:08 AM
Guardian Long Read: How The Golden Girls found a millennial audience through the medium of deepfakes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on September 25, 2020, 09:50:17 AM
https://twitter.com/TheMichaelMoran/status/1307622000156987393?s=09

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EiWbPkWXsAEdALf?format=jpg&name=medium)

6 Deso posts in and this one, I dare say is up there (or down) with the most bleak.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on September 25, 2020, 06:26:57 PM
They just pull it off you and put it in a Tesco bag.


For the rest of your days you have to borrow someone else's anus whenever you need to take a shit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on September 25, 2020, 08:05:04 PM
You go to your mum's house to finally meet her new fella, the one she's been going on about. It's John Leslie. He sits there, smirking at you and sniffing his fingers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 27, 2020, 05:08:19 PM
Age has brought you inevitably to this. Long dead are dreams of glory, adventure, and all-conquering, everlasting love. Now it's a 65 inch oled and a soundproof wank cellar.



 
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on September 27, 2020, 06:17:03 PM
A man in supermarket-bought jeans tries to defend Be Here Now.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 27, 2020, 07:23:26 PM
Roger DeCourcey gets into a punch-up with Mick Miller in a knick-knack shop near Deptford. This could have gone in 'Celebs doing things in places' but it qualifies as desolate. Certainly for Miller, who sustained a broken nose.

"I went into a knick-knack shop yesterday. I said 'How much is that sewing kit?' The bloke said 'Five quid.' Then who should appear but Roger DeCourcey, sans Nookie Bear. He said, 'I want that sewing kit for me wife.' A fight ensued and he broke me nose. Sorry, I've not thought of a punchline for this yet. I'm just working it into me act. Observational."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on September 27, 2020, 09:58:05 PM
Buzzing butane gas at a Robbie Wiliams tribute gig.

Positive Biopsy.

Using Shippams Classic Crab Paste as lube.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 27, 2020, 11:29:40 PM
And youu shit.

And you shit.

And you shit.

And you die.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on September 27, 2020, 11:43:00 PM
Your official, legal, registered civil partner says your jeb helm honks of cliff's

Cliff denies this outright
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on September 28, 2020, 09:05:14 AM
You awake to find your penis has tripled in length, to an impressive 9 inches.

Unfortunately girth = 1 micron
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: poo on September 28, 2020, 09:14:31 AM
A 100% effective cure for coronivirs is discovered, but it involves continuously listing to Mark Morrison’s ‘Return of the Mack’ at high volume for 6 weeks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on September 28, 2020, 09:30:06 AM
Seeking sustenance for the first time in five days, Bob spies the dried bean juice drops on his keyboard.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on September 28, 2020, 10:45:24 AM
"I've done some of my best shagging in Crewe"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on September 28, 2020, 10:51:11 AM
Florence's husband overhears the doctors discussing her case. 'Her flesh was hanging out of her skin like a badly packed duvet.'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 28, 2020, 11:01:32 AM
Your wife gets absolutely zero resistance as she starts referring to you as "the mong" when talking with her friends and your close family.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on September 28, 2020, 11:46:09 AM
A 100% effective cure for coronivirs is discovered, but it involves continuously listing to Mark Morrison’s ‘Return of the Mack’ at high volume for 6 weeks.

Horrific flashbacks to when I worked in a factory there
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on September 28, 2020, 02:18:04 PM
Real life deso:

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/racist-tattoo-you-regret-stoke-4525944.amp
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 28, 2020, 03:57:32 PM
But also quite nice of the artist?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on September 28, 2020, 04:22:35 PM
Less deso than him offering free racist tattoos, shirley?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 28, 2020, 06:19:08 PM
Real life deso:

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/racist-tattoo-you-regret-stoke-4525944.amp

LEDGE GARY: Nah Daz, it'd take too long to remove all mine.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on September 28, 2020, 08:35:31 PM
Nice of the artist, yes. The desolation is more the need for this service in the first place and what it says about my home town.

I know of a local tattoo artist who vowed to never again tattoo another 'jobstopper'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 28, 2020, 10:10:04 PM
Nice of the artist, yes. The desolation is more the need for this service in the first place and what it says about my home town.

I know of a local tattoo artist who vowed to never again tattoo another 'jobstopper'.

I don't have tattoos but based on stories from mates that have some intricate work, better tattoo artists are busy enough that they can pick and choose and generally apply more responsible rules than the law requires them to... eg. no racist shit and probably not going to tattoo something obviously shit on some young naive person's face/hands.

I'm sure the latter's more just so they can avoid having some irate parent in their shop when they could be tattooing more people though.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 29, 2020, 01:47:26 AM
An Our Brave Boy tells a non-white homeless person to "go back to Wango Land".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 29, 2020, 07:25:59 AM
An Our Brave Boy tells a non-white homeless person to "go back to Wango Land".

WANGOLAND FOREVER
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 29, 2020, 07:45:15 AM
John Barrowman finishes his ready meal and wanks to VHS recordings of Cash in the Attic. Then he puts the compost bin out and falls asleep in the hall.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on September 29, 2020, 09:00:18 AM
A man who has put a smiley at the end of every Facebook post since 2010 logs in to let everyone know his dad's died.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 29, 2020, 09:01:28 AM
As a child he received a new liver thanks to a That's Life appeal. Now in his forties and a raging alcoholic, he staggers around Esther Rantzen's moonlit driveway shouting 'Give us another one you SLAG!'

Your conversational gambit of "As I said to the Judge, who cares? I don't want to be within 100 meters of a school anyway. LOL." fails to impress the interview panel.

A man wearing a "King Of Biscuits" t-shirt exposes himself during your niece's funeral.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on September 29, 2020, 01:30:08 PM
The whole of your extended family goes on Facebook to call each other 'pedos', and bankrupts Nottingham Children's Social Care
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 29, 2020, 03:43:55 PM
Nicky Campbell slops out and returns to his makeshift cell. He'll get a biscuit and a cup of water through the hatch later if Dimbleby is feeling generous. Ten years now.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 29, 2020, 04:28:06 PM
A gust of wind blows your infant daughter's packet of Milky Bar Buttons out of her hand and off a motorway flyover. Long story short, you're now doing 200 hours of community service for being a racist.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on September 29, 2020, 06:24:28 PM
The divorce papers characterise you as "a pound shop cumslut"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on September 29, 2020, 06:33:52 PM
A child of marital rape throws a therapy carrot at a scarecrow.

An avaricious sailor starts a hedge fund in a lido.

An orphanage funded by grain surplus expands into a knocking shop.

The distinct smell of your hangover shits triggers your mother’s Flehmen response.

You get your face slanted to appeal to the Asian market.

“Do me like a casserole, Mavis, long and slow.”

A tortoise is finished with this world, after its owner fucks it in its pen.

Alan Hansen’s broken promises cause a pile-up in Jakarta.

In order to match the new wallpaper, a previously unwanted mixed-raced foetus is carried to full term.

You’re on your toodles again, in your horrible life.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on September 29, 2020, 06:42:38 PM
An anally stretched wrong un' is bitterly dissapointed after mis-reading a Robson Green VHS titled "Extreme Fishing!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 29, 2020, 08:50:15 PM
Carol Thatcher slices a dolphin's head off with the sharp edge of a nachos packet.

Jim from Staffordshire goes out on the piss and wakes up naked beside a stream, from then on he is known locally as the 'River Paedo'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 29, 2020, 10:09:55 PM
Dead Mum’s Ian Brady scrapbook and dogcock dildo feature in a house clearance company’s most watched YouTube upload.

Trouble in paradise? Your marriage to a balloon animal is going less smoothly than expected.

You frequently discuss your mental health worries with the ghost of Claire Rayner.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 29, 2020, 10:42:30 PM
You spend your birthday doing things you hate while your child screams at you. Your minuscule free time is spent reading CaB.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on September 29, 2020, 11:29:30 PM
Abortion attempt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on September 29, 2020, 11:30:39 PM
You spend your birthday doing things you hate while your child screams at you. Your minuscule free time is spent reading CaB.

Keep it light, ffs.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 30, 2020, 06:37:37 AM
A semen glob ejaculated from frenzied hedge masturbate hits a passing cyclist, who careens into a Kwik-Fit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 30, 2020, 06:41:04 AM
You learn through a fellow bestialete that the community was responsible for the internet doggo lexicon, and has 'great plans ahead'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 30, 2020, 06:44:30 AM
The final bell rings and as pupils leave for home a man leans back against the railings, writhing and chanting 'It's getting briller, It's gettin brillllleeeerrrrrrrr!!!!'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 30, 2020, 06:54:02 AM
Witney council, Brenda holds the agenda, the agenda on 'gender benders'.

Brenda descends, after addenda to the 'gender bender' agenda.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 30, 2020, 11:19:45 AM
Jane McDonald tribute act.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 30, 2020, 11:46:20 AM
Sunday evening. Boiled egg and soldiers for tea. Songs of Praise, Antiques Roadshow. School tomorrow. Cross Country Run.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 30, 2020, 07:02:21 PM
The planetarium is daubed with 'Moslem filth OUT'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on September 30, 2020, 09:14:03 PM
In the caves
All cats are Gary
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on September 30, 2020, 10:04:48 PM
Bob Mortimer keys the wheelchair he put you in.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bazooka on October 01, 2020, 01:30:03 PM
A suicide prevention net in an IPhone factory wins the Nobel Peace Prize.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 01, 2020, 06:33:57 PM
Robert Kilroy-Silk gets a standing ovation during a Question Time appearance in Norfolk.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 01, 2020, 09:10:04 PM
You spend the afterlife with Mike Read in a welded-shut caravan.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on October 01, 2020, 10:02:35 PM
Your mum decides against having a funeral for your dad: "Can't be arsed"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 03, 2020, 10:21:20 AM
Louise Woodward resets an Etchasketch at a jumble sale in a Shoreditch Methodist church hall. “Force of habit.” She quips. Gets nothing. Tough crowd.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 03, 2020, 05:32:33 PM
Coldplay releases an album called Bumblegee Goosekins and nobody questions that. Goes on to sell millions.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on October 04, 2020, 12:11:25 AM
Your dad throws you out of the family home in a fit of rage after you tell him the doctor diagnosed you as 'tripe intolerant'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 04, 2020, 12:20:07 AM
A miserable shopkeeper won't give you a Yorkie because you're 2p short. Said shopkeeper goes home, shouts at his wife for an hour and eats an out-of-date pork pie and drinks a warm can of beer and passes out in front of Panorama.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 04, 2020, 12:51:24 PM
A miserable shopkeeper won't give you a Yorkie because you're 2p short. Said shopkeeper goes home, shouts at his wife for an hour and eats an out-of-date pork pie and drinks a warm can of beer and passes out in front of Panorama.

you get one 4p cheaper at the other shop by the bus terminus anyway
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on October 04, 2020, 03:17:10 PM
You spend the afterlife with Mike Read in a welded-shut caravan.

Horrifying
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 04, 2020, 05:14:22 PM
Gregg Wallace watches loads of episodes of Masterchef and berates all the contestants he was nice too. "Get us anovah can of Stella, love."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on October 04, 2020, 11:56:08 PM
Real life deso:

Got a 'racist' tattoo you regret? Stoke-on-Trent artist offers free service to help people shed past mistakes

bloke gets racist details on an existing non-racist tatto because he hates it and cant afford to get it removed

just in time for covid to shut the lads tatshop
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on October 04, 2020, 11:57:02 PM
stoke sentinel killing it

https://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/lorry-drivers-blasted-after-using-4524873
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 05, 2020, 01:33:12 AM
stoke sentinel killing it

https://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/lorry-drivers-blasted-after-using-4524873

He then went on to murder a prostitute in a layby and have a wank in a service station toilet.

Meanwhile... Chris Tarrant starts a campaign after a packet of Bassett's Allsorts is stolen from a corner shop in Kendal. "It's an absolute disgrace," he tells The Daily Star. "These louts should be hung, drawn and quartered. Bring back the cat o' nine tails! That'll teach 'em!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 05, 2020, 01:58:39 AM
^chris tarrant is apparently great mates with black sabbath guitar player Tony iommi. They go on canal boat holidays together according to a friend in the know
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 05, 2020, 06:11:42 AM
^chris tarrant is apparently great mates with black sabbath guitar player Tony iommi. They go on canal boat holidays together according to a friend in the know

Crikey! Meanwhile...

Richard Dawkins watches you putting your shopping away and criticizes your technique for being "too emotional".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 05, 2020, 01:30:31 PM
Ricky Gervais admits he only pretends to like dogs to appear less psychopathic.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 05, 2020, 06:33:21 PM
people stop caring about shops like Nisa in places like Bathgate
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 05, 2020, 06:37:43 PM
Ricky Gervais admits he only pretends to like dogs to appear less psychopathic.

Ricky Gervais witnesses a dog’s anal glands being expressed for the first time in his life. A single tear falls.

From his urethra.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 05, 2020, 09:36:57 PM
The texture of Bounty bars.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 05, 2020, 11:18:23 PM
Quote
Richard Dawkins watches you putting your shopping away and criticizes your technique for being "too emotional".

That's a belter.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 06, 2020, 12:02:02 AM
That's a belter.

Aw thanks Shoulders! Sam Harris cautions restraint as he kindly packs away the raspberry jam.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 06, 2020, 01:38:41 PM
Your one and only Facebook post: "I haven't had a good elbow scab in ages."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 06, 2020, 03:07:02 PM
Your new home is haunted by Mike Morris from TV-am.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: DoesNotFollow on October 06, 2020, 04:16:15 PM
Happy-slapped by your own shadow.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on October 06, 2020, 04:59:31 PM
Michael Dicksniffer has his application for a name change rejected by gov.uk
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 06, 2020, 08:12:23 PM
Long dole queue in the rain.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on October 06, 2020, 08:59:21 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EjqQnmRX0AM9kQF?format=jpg&name=large)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on October 06, 2020, 11:32:13 PM
^^ Bound to be a dead hooker or two underneath all that ^^
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on October 07, 2020, 12:02:42 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EjqQnmRX0AM9kQF?format=jpg&name=large)

....and this is the livingroom, - the rent is 500 per -

sorry, stop you there. are the sofas binbags?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 07, 2020, 04:35:32 AM
The Wombles murder John Craven.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 07, 2020, 05:09:14 PM
Holding dad's wake at the Hollywood Bowl.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 07, 2020, 09:35:27 PM
Richard Dawkins bursts into your kitchen and smashes your Batman mug; "Grow up!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 07, 2020, 10:43:22 PM
Richard Dawkins bursts into your kitchen and smashes your Batman mug; "Grow up!"

Haha.

True fact: Lalla Ward banned Richard Dawkins from coming to Doctor Who conventions with her because he would always bring along a tape measure and head off to the Tardis, spoiling for trouble.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on October 07, 2020, 11:13:02 PM
A frustrated Eddie Stobart spotter wanks on a Norbert Dentressangle trailer in a layby near Snibston.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 07, 2020, 11:14:20 PM
Haha.

True fact: Lalla Ward banned Richard Dawkins from coming to Doctor Who conventions with her because he would always bring along a tape measure and head off to the Tardis, spoiling for trouble.

I think we might need a Dawkins Deso thread.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 07, 2020, 11:55:01 PM
A frustrated Eddie Stobart spotter wanks on a Norbert Dentressangle trailer in a layby near Snibston.

Ruined my fond memories of the Snibston Discovery Centre.

Edit: which was demolished in 2016, and google maps thinks it is now a bus stop in Coalville if you search for it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on October 08, 2020, 02:51:20 AM
Filling your brothers artificial arm with quick set concrete because he can see better things in the wallpaper, from staring at it too long, than you.

Your pickled sick dip is left untouched at the virtuous peadophile  annual roller disco and buffet function

That poor cunt who bought Jimmy Savile’s roller as an ‘investment’ just before the news broke.

All African pop music.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 08, 2020, 08:08:13 AM
A verger's stipend is downgraded from legal tender to 'access to my cat on Thursdays'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 08, 2020, 10:38:52 PM
Jim Davidson eats a cold takeaway korma and complains about "too much blacks onna telly nowadays".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 09, 2020, 05:00:03 AM
Bookies that smells of vomit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on October 09, 2020, 10:33:08 AM
Your dad starts deriding "chubby lovers" so that he can fat-shame and kink-shame in the same sentence. "There's nothing wrong with efficiency!" chirps the wiry cunt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 09, 2020, 10:35:49 AM
Ian Brown berates a child for having stabilizers on her bike.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 09, 2020, 11:46:29 AM
After an arduous quest to provide a shrubbery to a series of demanding knights, they change their house title in order to demand yet another shrubbery.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on October 09, 2020, 11:58:45 AM
Bookies that smells of vomit.

I used to work in the bookies. My boss was well protective about giving out the bog key (locked to stop junkies), some half cut pensioner went once and splashed a bit so she wouldn't give it him a second time, pissed himself on the shop floor.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 09, 2020, 05:49:17 PM
Your backup taint caves in, big time

Big time cave in
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 09, 2020, 08:58:39 PM
A sunlight-eating swami moves into you and your mum’s bungalow and just fucking dominates the place.

Jon Gaunt’s proctologist’s suicide note simply reads: “In the end, only suffering.”

Salman Rushdie. 10pm. Babestation.








Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on October 10, 2020, 12:00:05 PM
Noncing up kiddies in the village, not out of any sexual attraction to children but, rather for the certainty of how your social pariah status will benefit your need for a lie in of a morning.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 11, 2020, 12:30:03 AM
A drunken Lionel Richie tries to chat up a twenty year-old waitress and vomits on the table.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 11, 2020, 05:42:36 AM
It's 'Stella Night', you get a six pack from Lidl, prepare a Tesco Ready Meal and drink yourself into a sad stupor.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 11, 2020, 12:13:03 PM
It's 'Stella Night', you get a six pack from Lidl, prepare a Tesco Ready Meal and drink yourself into a sad stupor.

your collection of recordings Phil Cornwell's television work has been ruined by archery equipment, and you are reduced to desperately trying to find anything on the EPG that vaguely looks like it might pass for America's Strongest Man.

you end up on an Impact Wrestling filler/recap show
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on October 11, 2020, 03:28:50 PM
You accidentally vomit doing Phil Minton impressions up your lover's arsehole.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 11, 2020, 03:32:56 PM
David Icke doing karaoke in Devon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on October 11, 2020, 07:08:28 PM
A vaccine programme advertises for "redshirts".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 11, 2020, 08:13:14 PM
A broth made from the boiled contents of David Mellor’s tumble dryer’s fluff filter will be the only refreshment available after a 20 mile forced march across the Brecon Beacons - part of the simulated SAS selection course a deranged farmer’s son is forcing you at gunpoint to undergo as punishment for laughing at his mismatched boot laces in a dream he had.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 11, 2020, 08:23:56 PM
Your 85 year old mother falls down the stairs, breaking several of your model airplanes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on October 12, 2020, 11:05:19 AM
A broth made from the boiled contents of David Mellor’s tumble dryer’s fluff filter will be the only refreshment available after a 20 mile forced march across the Brecon Beacons - part of the simulated SAS selection course a deranged farmer’s son is forcing you at gunpoint to undergo as punishment for laughing at his mismatched boot laces in a dream he had.

Still haunted by this one
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 12, 2020, 11:07:02 AM
Still haunted by this one

It’s too close for comfort for me. A bit too on the nose.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 12, 2020, 11:32:46 AM
Your dad enters your room and says “watashi wa not your real dad. Hadouken.” and just like that he’s gone from your life forever.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on October 12, 2020, 03:43:38 PM
Your six year old daughter bellows "Shut up, cunt!" when you greet her on your return from work.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: bgmnts on October 12, 2020, 03:47:07 PM
I just saw a pair of malnourished red kites greedily tearing at the corpse of a child absolutely riddled with covid.

Chuckled.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 12, 2020, 09:24:37 PM
Amnesty International issues a press release about your most recent wank.

A Les Dennis tribute act dries on stage mid-Mavis.

Morrissey jolts awake from the laughing custard dream just as his Intercity plunges into a tunnel.






Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on October 12, 2020, 09:28:08 PM
I just saw a pair of malnourished red kites greedily tearing at the corpse of a child absolutely riddled with covid.

Chuckled.

Kite can't get COVID but your ferret is fucked.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 12, 2020, 09:50:23 PM
A stem cell researcher seeking to learn Romanian in the easiest, fastest, cheapest and most fun way, is negligently severed by a lathe.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 13, 2020, 03:25:08 AM
Jimmy Carr is your long-lost uncle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on October 13, 2020, 08:20:44 AM
After 40 years, your mum finally tells you she loves you, but follows up straight away with "long time".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 13, 2020, 09:42:56 AM
The last person who touched you with any kind of affection was your infant school nit nurse.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 13, 2020, 09:50:00 AM
L’Oréal called, it turns out you aren't actually worth it.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 13, 2020, 11:24:58 AM
A neighbour named Roger hosts an 'easy jazz' party in his back garden, that ends with a rich twat vomiting in your driveway.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2020, 10:31:44 AM
Richard Dawkins smiles as you have a nervous breakdown on your front lawn.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 14, 2020, 02:11:59 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EkSCdEwX0AA3ktw?format=jpg&name=large)

Courtesy of Seb Cobb in the xmas food thread.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 14, 2020, 03:48:17 PM
A retired sapper's one man campaign to return the Yorkie bar to its pre 2002 size culminates in an armed stand off at a Minehead newsagents.

A pensioner's nappy, heavy with bum maggots.
(Buyer must collect).

A crippled moth laughs at your stutter, you expect.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on October 14, 2020, 04:23:41 PM
"Hi guys! Big shout out to Pepperami for sponsoring this video..."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 14, 2020, 06:59:32 PM
You force your grandparents - both sets - to sleep in the same bed like Charlie Bucket's. All four of them protest "we own our own homes! Why are you like this?" and you just tell them to shut up and get in the bed. They've all got dementia or Parkinson's or Down's or whatever.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 14, 2020, 07:05:16 PM
Having worked your entire career as an aide you get diagnosed with AIDS. You're a bit dense, so you end up sending an email to all of your family and friends saying "unfortunately the hospital has diagnosed me with Aide's Syndrome."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 14, 2020, 09:30:10 PM
A fat black slug squeezes its way out of your penis hole and plops into the toilet bowl where it drowns in dark yellow piss. Not the best start to the week but at least you’re not Kelvin MacKenzie.

A street mime’s chance encounter with Werner Herzog leads to them developing a chronic surgical addiction problem.

A boy missing for years turns up one day out of the blue, wanking incessantly, refusing to explain.


Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: DistressedArea on October 14, 2020, 11:05:03 PM
Each year, on the anniversary of his death, the victim of a street murder is raised from the dead for a single day, in order to attend a series of seminars on enterprise change management.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2020, 01:26:46 PM
A miserable bus conductor growls at you menacingly.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2020, 08:39:28 PM
You get home from Aldi to discover all your purchases are damaged.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: bgmnts on October 15, 2020, 08:42:27 PM
You go back to Aldi to find every single product and staff member damaged.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2020, 09:56:07 PM
Jim Davidson pisses on the bathroom floor and tells his wife he "done a wee-dozy".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 15, 2020, 10:04:10 PM
From your shower you can see the sign for the local Aldi, and one morning it becomes your only viable wanking material.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 15, 2020, 11:40:08 PM
(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/4242/production/_114926961_capture.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on October 15, 2020, 11:55:08 PM
can't tell if scary gym or a front for a knocking shop.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 15, 2020, 11:59:31 PM
It’s a Scouse gym which was in the news yesterday with the owner saying they were planning to defy local rules and stay open, and then again today for inevitably being fined. But something about the colour scheme and co-located minicab firm and a hairdresser just called The Hairdressers makes it well des.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 16, 2020, 01:07:11 AM
0 bids 1 view on your eBay auction of your cherished Beyblades collection you hope to sell towards your treatment.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2020, 10:16:19 AM
A man named Neville crushes beetles for fun at a junction in Wisbech.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 16, 2020, 10:59:27 AM
Your imaginary wife files for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2020, 05:42:57 PM
A Jim Davidson lookalike bus driver gives you an earful.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 16, 2020, 07:38:52 PM
A Jim Davidson lookalike bus driver gives you an earful.

Well he can fuck off can't he. That's that potential desolation well and truly dealt with

NEXT
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on October 16, 2020, 07:39:29 PM
A Jim Davidson lookalike bus driver gives you an earful.

Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2020, 08:09:14 PM
Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.

He meets the Jim Davidson lookalike and the world ends.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 16, 2020, 08:39:52 PM
Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.

your dad who used to look like Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2020, 11:35:26 PM
Nick Owen drinks Brasso in a lay-by near Kent.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on October 17, 2020, 11:42:59 AM
Avon lady unable to work due to covids dies under weight of make-up. Falls over, face stuck to floor, can't move.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 17, 2020, 11:46:15 AM
A talkative leper gatecrashes your picnic.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 17, 2020, 11:49:08 AM
Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.

Then gets annoyed when a Vic Reeves lookalike driver gets hired and starts turning everyone's head. "I never thought he could drive all that well." Jim proclaims to the mostly empty bus depot cafeteria.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 17, 2020, 12:08:44 PM
Actor Brian Cox decapitates you with a claymore behind an Irn Bru factory.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 17, 2020, 05:21:34 PM
you are sentenced to four months in a secure ASDA full of early 90s gear, where the PA system plays a loop of Peter Kay's greatest hits, plus all the spinoff "in the style of Peter Kay" franchise acts, and your only recourse is wandering round amid voices giving it "YES I REMEMBER FUCKING NUTELLA. ITS ON THE SHELF IN FRONT OF ME, DICK'EAD", while others silently mutter every routine in perfect sync. the shutters on the snouts kiosk are painted with a middle finger mural. sometimes the guards announce "smoking time" and remotely raise them to reveal a blank wall with another middle finger mural, in a different colour. it's a mad mad mad mad max in there. you should see the trolleys. the booze aisle is a well stocked fortress, defending against the prospect of new recruits despite the fact that the guards would have restocked it anyway. it's all just water and food colouring anyway. they're good at keeping the place going. break time for a few hours a day, in the car park collecting trolleys at gunpoint. nice time while they repair and restock everything. no PA system either. it's decent. you see some of the new lads break down in the first week or so. happens to us all. got to adjust to reality. it's just a weekly shop. head office are closing them down and the staff don't give a fuck if you eat the stuff on the floor. it's all free samples. just... enjoy it. watch for the stuff that gangs like. Weetos is the big one, always ask for passage before you go down the cereal aisle. show respect. nae bother. nice and casual. don't end up like the guys up the booze aisle... that shite's got nae alcohol, but they're kid-on pished and either kid-on or real angry so just play along for safety and leave them to it. keep an eye out for magazine day, make sure get the ones you like right after car park before somecunt destroys them all again. only problem with this place, everybody's too impulsive and despereate and just lashes out at anything, know?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on October 17, 2020, 06:27:31 PM
Your 10 year old nephew blasts Darude's Sandstorm on his recorder in your living room and you are powerless to stop him to keep the peace.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 18, 2020, 12:28:22 AM
Chris Tarrant causes you to have an existential breakdown.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 18, 2020, 11:36:01 AM
A Debenhams sale ends with a few sordid rags left on the hangers and a smell like stale shite in the air.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on October 18, 2020, 01:34:24 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/4hV4obH.jpg)

Snapped this irl deso last night.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 18, 2020, 01:41:28 PM
A blacked-out Geoff Capes throws a till through a chip shop window.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 18, 2020, 01:44:31 PM
A blacked-out Geoff Capes throws a till through a chip shop window.

When he comes around he swears off Polish vodka for life.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on October 18, 2020, 02:27:27 PM
In Penzance, a haunted sandwich is slowly pecked apart by an unimpressed gull.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 18, 2020, 05:34:45 PM
Terry laughs to himself about all that VD he has given to the divorcees of Penzance.

'You can only feel so bad', he concludes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 18, 2020, 05:35:50 PM
The invention of the toilet-egg.

The toilegg.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on October 18, 2020, 06:21:58 PM
The invention of the toilet-egg.

The toilegg.

usually scrambled, rarely fertilised
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 18, 2020, 07:59:04 PM
You endure a dump so severe that you can describe it as "a major life event".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: bgmnts on October 18, 2020, 08:00:20 PM
You see Graham Linehan going round every Greggs in town handing out leaflets.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 18, 2020, 09:12:31 PM
When he comes around he swears off Polish vodka for life.

Doesn’t last long. A month later Capes puts a bowling ball through a bus shelter.

Your prodigious anal prolapse gets you the job of windsock at Brimpton Airfield.

Nicholas Witchell coughs up a hunk of phlegm while watching a drone unboxing compilation.

A body-dismorphic busker stalks you around a model village, spoiling it.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 19, 2020, 01:23:47 AM
A particularly harsh TV critic describes Bruno Tonioli as "a deflated mess of nonsense and frippery."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 19, 2020, 12:44:05 PM
Raped in a night ambush by an employee of The Greyhound Trust.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 19, 2020, 04:08:53 PM
Your butch uncle naked but for ballet shoes, prancing around the common going, "Ooh, I'm delicate as a fucking pansy!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 20, 2020, 09:54:29 AM
Your insomnia tormentscape of Ian Austin performing Ali G's Me Julie to set the tempo on a slave ship becomes flesh.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on October 20, 2020, 10:22:52 AM
Boris fuck's off from being PM (due to low salary) and Gove assumes the role.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on October 20, 2020, 12:00:40 PM


Your prodigious anal prolapse gets you the job of windsock at Brimpton Airfield.


I laughed
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 20, 2020, 12:56:53 PM
A right-wing nutjob neighbour asks for a loan of your lawn mower and a moustache trimmer.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on October 21, 2020, 10:16:53 AM
Laurence Fox demands that Luther be remade with Timothy Dalton in the lead role.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on October 21, 2020, 10:17:44 AM
Laurence Fox demands Shaft be remade with him in the main role.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 21, 2020, 11:17:41 AM
Laurence Fox demands Roots is remade with Laurence Fox in the main role
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 21, 2020, 11:31:51 AM
An abandoned Debenhams fills up with rats and stinks like last week's tuna.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on October 21, 2020, 12:53:06 PM
"but without the Empire, the Indians wouldn't have a civil service", mewls Toby.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on October 21, 2020, 12:56:43 PM
Laurence Fox demands that The Phantom Menace be remade with Laurence Fox as Jar Jar Binks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 21, 2020, 01:34:23 PM
Skegness is the venue for a conference on flu.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 21, 2020, 05:14:32 PM
Laurence Fox demands Morton's put on an elaborate dance number with bread-based costumes, and Laurence Fox as the main roll
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 21, 2020, 06:34:19 PM
You receive a text informing you that all of your friends have died simultaneously whilst you are walking to Aldi in the freezing rain.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 22, 2020, 02:02:47 PM
A man named Aubrey pushes past you in a shop queue and demands his copy of Country Life.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on October 22, 2020, 06:28:11 PM
The Peter Beardsley Honeymoon Suite
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 22, 2020, 07:02:08 PM
The Sir Peter Beardsley CBE Honeymoon Suite
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 22, 2020, 07:10:20 PM
Laurence Fox demands Bob Mortimer give him the role of Peter Beardsley.

Bob Mortimer asks him to reject Jesus first. The music is left running in the background as things get tense
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on October 22, 2020, 08:33:01 PM
Born a bastard, died a cunt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 22, 2020, 11:25:32 PM
Man dressed in a Fred Flintstone suit at a UKIP fundraiser. The fixed smile on the costume's face only makes it more harrowing.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on October 23, 2020, 11:36:54 AM
Laurence Fox turns up to a fancy dress party as a very convincing if elongated Barney Rubble.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 23, 2020, 12:25:51 PM
You luck runs out during a dangerwank on a level crossing, warns your horoscope.

After your car breaks down, Mr Noseybonk chases you on horseback down the hard shoulder of the M5 (southbound).

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 23, 2020, 05:35:27 PM
Laurence Fox demands you give him a Winston cigarette
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 23, 2020, 07:21:28 PM
Andrew Marr cries on an egg sandwich.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 23, 2020, 07:43:36 PM
A fifty year old virgin sleeps off a Rogan Josh on the sofa. Weather With You by Crowded House plays on an Alexa. Out on the patio, his golden retriever chokes on a scrabble tile.

A man obsessed with walking the Severn Tunnel won’t leave you alone in Asda.

A chance encounter with your rapist at the North Pole sours your expedition.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 23, 2020, 07:51:29 PM
The only thing your mum leaves you in her will is a well-thumbed human/rabbit Kama Sutra.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 24, 2020, 12:15:31 AM
A fifty year old virgin sleeps off a Rogan Josh on the sofa. Weather With You by Crowded House plays on an Alexa. Out on the patio, his golden retriever chokes on a scrabble tile.

the next day, he eagerly asks the kids at the office if they're into those Josh Rogan comedy films
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bence Fekete on October 24, 2020, 12:27:37 AM
The only family member who turns up at your intervention is uncle diamorphine.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on October 24, 2020, 04:31:51 PM
Watching your brother having a carnal moment with a table in a scabby takeaway after his wife has left him. The ejaculate is left to fester.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on October 24, 2020, 06:19:58 PM
You are fired from your job as local authority registrar after refusing to let a child be named Napalm Jeff.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 24, 2020, 09:14:38 PM
he hadn't pissed, he'd shat
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on October 24, 2020, 10:04:25 PM
You are fired from your job as local authority registrar after refusing to let a child be named Napalm Jeff.

good
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: poo on October 24, 2020, 10:40:20 PM
The next pandemic is HALFORDS-17
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on October 26, 2020, 10:11:02 AM
Graham is caught having a shit in a corner of the TARDIS. "How are you meant to find the lavs in this place anyway?" he mumbles.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on October 26, 2020, 01:08:00 PM
Graham is caught having a shit in a corner of the TARDIS. "How are you meant to find the lavs in this place anyway?" he mumbles.

He then goes ballistic at the lack of sex segregation, claiming a time travelling child could have seen a man pull up his dress to reveal a big hairy dick.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 26, 2020, 05:23:08 PM
Craig makes some custard and pours it down his jogging bottoms at his maisonette in Dunstable. "Ooh, lovely, I cannot resist this sad fetish!" he tells the life-size poster of Liberace he has on his kitchen wall.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 26, 2020, 05:49:16 PM
In the spirit of “safety first”, Yann puts on a hi-viz jacket before beginning a chainsaw massacre.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 26, 2020, 05:56:11 PM
You make yourself a watery, burnt korma for dinner. It tastes rotten, and half an hour later you are shitting yourself on the kitchen lino 'cos you couldn't make it to the sink in time.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on October 26, 2020, 06:55:56 PM
For a Christmas charity, Tracey Emin exhibits an unmade manger.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 26, 2020, 07:29:11 PM
Sue Johnston dares Ralf Little to suck Ricky Tomlinson’s ghastly, fucked nose like a cock, a challenge he accepts with glee.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 26, 2020, 10:50:05 PM
A man called Reginald moves to Stockport and is immediately pilloried by the local community, with some calling him, "risible, with a slight hint of disaster."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 27, 2020, 03:56:01 AM
Boris Johnson appeals to the nation's children to "go hungry for Britain!" this winter.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on October 27, 2020, 08:13:10 AM
Like the rodent whose teeth constantly grow, your penis needs a constant diet of fucking bags of gravel  to keep you in your job as lollipop man.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 27, 2020, 11:35:37 AM
A human bidet fears he may be in over his head when his new client turns out to be a mid-binge Rod Liddle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 28, 2020, 03:49:19 AM
Adrian Chiles pretends he is presenting ITV Sport over a pint in a pub corner.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 28, 2020, 10:49:39 AM
Ryan from The OC is treated for gout.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on October 28, 2020, 11:16:45 AM
A photo of a bombed toddler gets the meme treatment
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 28, 2020, 12:54:40 PM
On a listless Boxing Day afternoon the Uncle snaps up with a game to rouse everyone from their post-lunch dolour.

'I know! Let's take it in turns to say the things we hate about ourselves the most!'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 28, 2020, 01:09:24 PM
Adrian Chiles pretends he is presenting ITV Sport over a pint in a pub corner.

Paul Beigeman laughs and pretends it's the whole hacky sketch where he hands over to Gabriel Clarke at the bar and there's commentary and a half arsed action replay. Howling
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on October 28, 2020, 01:25:46 PM
Soccer AM
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on October 28, 2020, 02:11:12 PM
The new 25 Years of Hollyoaks special exclusive reveals that they're been broadcasting the same 8 episodes continuously over and over since 1973, and you never noticed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 28, 2020, 05:20:13 PM
A Mr. Adrian Runcey of Stockport spends three weeks unblocking his toilet with a teaspoon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 28, 2020, 06:57:27 PM
The Christmas dread begins to ramp up for Eamonn Holme’s tape worm.

After his wife’s funeral, a retired barge mechanic is free to put all his energies into his Chris Serle shrine.



Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 29, 2020, 03:40:15 AM
You binge watch old clips of That's Life! on YouTube during a bout of whooping cough.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 29, 2020, 12:49:55 PM
You binge watch old clips of That's Life! on YouTube during a bout of whooping cough.

you move on to write fanfiction about carbon monoxide leaks
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 29, 2020, 01:28:31 PM
Unexplained ginger pubes in his underpants sends Simon the hermit into a paranoid tail spin.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 29, 2020, 03:25:45 PM
He's scratching at your window again.

"Fray Bentos... Fray Bentos..."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on October 30, 2020, 12:44:42 AM
Mick Philpott's freshly shaven ballbag descends into your mouth.

Mick Philpott dresses up as a Sexy Fireman for the first Halloween after his release from prison.

Mick Philpott convinces himself that, "he didn't do it".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on October 30, 2020, 08:34:18 AM
Scat porn Jigsaw puzzles are on top of every kiddies Christmas wish list this year.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 30, 2020, 10:06:37 AM
Sir Keir Starmer bolsters his anti-establishment credentials by boasting he once had 'front row seats' for Rage Against The Machine.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 30, 2020, 10:07:31 AM
Sir Mick Philpott drives a dagger through the heart of the intolerant left.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on October 30, 2020, 10:37:06 AM
Sir Keir Starmer bolsters his anti-establishment credentials by boasting he once had 'front row seats' for Rage Against The Machine.

Ha! Kudos on that one Shoulders. I'm sure back in the 90's Jack Straw was quoted as saying he was into RATM.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 30, 2020, 11:40:45 AM
Upon hearing the playground taunt "bummers are deaf", David jams a pencil into each ear and begs, screaming, for the gay to take him.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 30, 2020, 01:20:43 PM
On a packed train, a teacher with cum in his beard pesters you for a game of scrabble travel.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 30, 2020, 05:10:13 PM
A cruel caretaker shows you how to make your own ready meals.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on October 30, 2020, 05:36:38 PM
You're a key worker, you've had to take time off an already staff depleted couple of shifts while you await your covid test results. Guilt. Frustration. A text finally arrives! It looks like its from gov. whatever and says test result. You open it with some trepidation. Its a picture of the well endowed black guy meme. To top it off the wails of a woman climaxing in ecstasy start eminating loudly from your phone. The Mrs isn't happy...
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 31, 2020, 02:59:01 AM
You watch the news for 24 hours on the toilet with the shits.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 31, 2020, 08:53:37 AM
Your constant fear that Geoff Capes is hiding in your loft, watching through spy holes, contributes to the disintegration of your marriage. As you try to sleep in your now wifeless bed you can hear Capes chuckling through the ceiling.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on October 31, 2020, 08:59:44 AM
Out of some misplaced feelings of nostalgia for better times you enjoy putting The Rasmus on Spotify and listening to it. Twice.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 31, 2020, 07:54:24 PM
it's risky, an unpleasant challenge, but there's fifty quid, free drinks all night and the whole pub is egging you on, goading you, chanting your name.

your name isn't Craig but that's what they chant
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 01, 2020, 12:53:51 AM
you decide to have your fifteen minutes of internet fame by dubbing the news but in a sarcastic tone
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 01, 2020, 02:28:37 AM
Your constant fear that Geoff Capes is hiding in your loft, watching through spy holes, contributes to the disintegration of your marriage. As you try to sleep in your now wifeless bed you can hear Capes chuckling through the ceiling.

Fantastic.

Donald Trump pops up at your bathroom window while you are struggling with a difficult shit and says, "What's going to happen next?!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 01, 2020, 03:05:11 PM
Monday morning headache, hail, wind and all!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 01, 2020, 06:51:17 PM
your morning poo is suspiciously too easy
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 01, 2020, 08:31:49 PM
You are 12 again, and held back in detention to learn about calcium as a punishment.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 02, 2020, 07:43:53 AM
A pair of geese lament the dried-up meniscus of their favourite hunting puddle.

A centipede finds itself deleted from the employee database of an ironmonger's corpse.

John Stapleton, rejected by a maggot he met in his wife's armpit.

A cagoule pocket full of wailing tadpoles.

You are bullied for a solid month by a three-year-old thug called Trikecutter.



Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on November 02, 2020, 10:15:02 AM
A pair of geese lament the dried-up meniscus of their favourite hunting puddle.

A centipede finds itself deleted from the employee database of an ironmonger's corpse.

John Stapleton, rejected by a maggot he met in his wife's armpit.

A cagoule pocket full of wailing tadpoles.

You are bullied for a solid month by a three-year-old thug called Trikecutter.

Very nice to have you back
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on November 02, 2020, 10:16:26 AM
In the time it takes you to starve to death, arms shattered at the bottom of a disused mine shaft, you receive 348 notifications reminding you it's time for your Duolingo lesson
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on November 02, 2020, 10:56:12 AM
John decides to exorcise the disappointments of Christmases past by buying himself that Lego fire station he'd unsuccessfully asked for so many times as a child. He excitedly opens the box only to find it full of dried dog shits with his name carved into each one.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 02, 2020, 11:10:56 AM
An irish wolf hound coughs up a widow's dildo in front of her grandchildren.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 02, 2020, 11:55:48 AM
Good stuff GT, and welcome home back.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 02, 2020, 04:49:32 PM
A Strictly fan makes their own Len Goodman mask, but it looks more like Roy Hudd.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: bgmnts on November 02, 2020, 04:58:18 PM
Your weird uncle Steve is found dead in his office chair with his union jack pants on his face, an ominous stain on the gusset.

What he was looking at on the computer was not released.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 02, 2020, 08:31:24 PM
A kindly triage nurse takes one look at you at the bus stop and calls you an 'absolute satchel'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 03, 2020, 08:45:09 AM
Chasing Mick Hucknall down a dual carriageway to get half a fish back
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 03, 2020, 01:34:46 PM
Your crime of potatoes is vomited by your dearest life partner into a paedophile's favourite water closet.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on November 03, 2020, 02:45:11 PM
This week's Bake-Off signature is cheesy chips.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 03, 2020, 04:02:42 PM
Michael of Hull demolishes a wholefoods shelf at his local Asda with a spirit level.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 03, 2020, 05:40:18 PM
Brian May moves in.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on November 03, 2020, 06:16:49 PM
Brian May moves in.

on your child
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 03, 2020, 09:24:22 PM
Jeff Bezos and his mates in a golden palace on Mars while the Earth turns to ashes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on November 04, 2020, 11:05:08 PM
You tell anyone who will listen that your favourite song ever is Tenacious D’s Tribute.

Google Analytics decides you’re a compost.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 05, 2020, 12:38:43 AM
You miss the last bus and have to walk five miles home in the cold and are really fucked off.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 05, 2020, 09:23:52 AM
You tell anyone who will listen that your favourite song ever is Tenacious D’s Tribute.

Google Analytics decides you’re a compost.

your usual social gambit is to enlighten them that that song isn't in fact the greatest song in the world, like many people think. you still presume they think; they don't.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 05, 2020, 09:38:08 AM
A stone in your shoe while you're running from a bear.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 05, 2020, 09:55:20 AM
A bear in your shoe while you're running from a Stone (Keith Richards).
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 05, 2020, 03:29:30 PM
a hole in your shoe that was letting in water
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 05, 2020, 05:42:20 PM
Alan Hansen distributes strychnine-laced soft drinks to all a Match of the Day reunion party.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 06, 2020, 07:02:54 PM
It's rancid haddock f'supper again.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 06, 2020, 07:53:23 PM
It's rancid haddock f'supper again.

Rance wet is a big chippy order in St Helens
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 06, 2020, 07:54:34 PM
pub conversation is dominated by the guy three tables away with the rugby league as fuck voice
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 06, 2020, 11:24:53 PM
A Gregg's pastie goes stale on a sideboard in Devon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on November 06, 2020, 11:25:47 PM
The new science teacher is an elderly shitting berk. “Pontin-crumbs are a unit of despair!” he titters, unhelpfully.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 07, 2020, 12:18:19 AM
Cucked by Gyles Brandreth.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on November 07, 2020, 12:55:43 AM
Hay-On-Wye festival won't let you hand out tickets to a discussion of The Tempest because: 'the whole point of the discussion is that Caliban is supposed to be a metaphor'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 07, 2020, 08:34:23 PM
An aggressive uncle goes to a Star Trek convention in the worst Klingon costume ever.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 08, 2020, 10:18:06 PM
Fray Bentos tripe is the only thing on the menu when you take your fiancé for a romantic dinner.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on November 08, 2020, 10:22:52 PM
discalcic math rock bassist gets sacked again
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 08, 2020, 10:40:39 PM
You find out your ma’s nickname used to be The Bridgwater Canal. When you bring it up at her 60th birthday party the whole table goes quiet.

Your dad is buried in a shit sheepskin jacket and everyone’s laughing about it.

Your insistence that your French teacher had a straw arm gets you kicked out of a book club.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 08, 2020, 10:48:44 PM
Your best present in years in a nasal trimmer.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on November 09, 2020, 12:45:59 AM
A culture war shuts the Iceland in Kidderminster down after they start stocking silken tofu.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on November 09, 2020, 07:15:43 AM
Truly a treasure trove:

“ As she recovers from a brutal summer of cancer treatment, Tracey Emin takes us round her new show – and imagines spending the next 30 years painting in her pyjamas to the sound of birdsong.” (http://As she recovers from a brutal summer of cancer treatment, Tracey Emin takes us round her new show – and imagines spending the next 30 years painting in her pyjamas to the sound of birdsong)

Featuring such gems as:

Emin adjusts her stoma bag

she’s used a catheter since being treated for appendicitis five years ago, when her bladder stopped functioning and she suffered kidney reflux, pushing urine back into her body

12 surgeons worked for six hours to remove a large tumour from her bladder. They cut out her uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, lymph nodes, part of her colon, urethra and some of her vagina. She kept her clitoris, but reflects sadly that it doesn’t work

Carbon monoxide travels into the bladder

raped twice as a teenager, suffered a miscarriage, had a botched termination, [ok, not funny] attempted suicide [getting funnier], and lost two of her most renowned works in a fire [aaand we’re back!]

She remembers, at the age of 23, falling out of a boat at night into dark waters. “It was a nice feeling,” she recalls.

I did feel cursed most of my life and then after this one, when they took my bladder out, I thought, ‘Fucking brilliant!

Fitzroy Square has another advantage. “It’s in hobbling distance of my urologist

His housemaids said he was always proper with his models. He didn’t fuck them

I’d love to have seen the crouching Emin’s bronze buttocks enlivening Mayfair.

a seven-metre tall bronze called The Mother, depicting her mum Pam who died in 2016. It’s currently being forged in Stoke on Trent

She defends voting for David Cameron.




Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on November 09, 2020, 08:38:22 AM
Truly a treasure trove:

“ As she recovers from a brutal summer of cancer treatment, Tracey Emin takes us round her new show – and imagines spending the next 30 years painting in her pyjamas to the sound of birdsong.” (http://As she recovers from a brutal summer of cancer treatment, Tracey Emin takes us round her new show – and imagines spending the next 30 years painting in her pyjamas to the sound of birdsong)

Featuring such gems as:

Emin adjusts her stoma bag

she’s used a catheter since being treated for appendicitis five years ago, when her bladder stopped functioning and she suffered kidney reflux, pushing urine back into her body

12 surgeons worked for six hours to remove a large tumour from her bladder. They cut out her uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, lymph nodes, part of her colon, urethra and some of her vagina. She kept her clitoris, but reflects sadly that it doesn’t work

Carbon monoxide travels into the bladder

raped twice as a teenager, suffered a miscarriage, had a botched termination, [ok, not funny] attempted suicide [getting funnier], and lost two of her most renowned works in a fire [aaand we’re back!]

She remembers, at the age of 23, falling out of a boat at night into dark waters. “It was a nice feeling,” she recalls.

I did feel cursed most of my life and then after this one, when they took my bladder out, I thought, ‘Fucking brilliant!

Fitzroy Square has another advantage. “It’s in hobbling distance of my urologist

His housemaids said he was always proper with his models. He didn’t fuck them

I’d love to have seen the crouching Emin’s bronze buttocks enlivening Mayfair.

a seven-metre tall bronze called The Mother, depicting her mum Pam who died in 2016. It’s currently being forged in Stoke on Trent

She defends voting for David Cameron.

I've never understood why this stuff is meant to be inherently funny, it's just routine medical stuff that lots of people have had done, it's like saying "Haha, man over there only has one leg!!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 09, 2020, 10:36:09 AM
A Keith Harris superfan is stuck in the bargaining stage.

Dr. Alban's announcement that the 'wheels are in motion' for It's My Life (2021 remix) receives a tepid response from a Swansea nightclub audience.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 09, 2020, 11:21:09 AM
A ham sandwich magnate makes the strategic error of entering the territory of a cassowary.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on November 09, 2020, 03:31:17 PM
I've never understood why this stuff is meant to be inherently funny, it's just routine medical stuff that lots of people have had done, it's like saying "Haha, man over there only has one leg!!"

You make a good point. Posted in a rush before heading out the door for work. I just took all the bleak bits from the article. Some of it is not funny, as you say, some of it inherently is “forged in Stoke on Trent“ etc
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on November 10, 2020, 12:52:07 AM
real life reddit photo peak deso

getting a box of not so cheery knock off Tasteeo's from the foodbank.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 11, 2020, 12:06:10 AM
Prince Andrew orders Nicholas Witchell to murder David Dimbleby with his own bare hands. Nicholas does as he is told.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 11, 2020, 09:05:13 AM
Balloon animal but full of dog shit haha
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 11, 2020, 11:51:27 AM
Recycled wolverine dildo in clam dip.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 11, 2020, 11:56:14 AM
Steve McFadden's patreon, top tier "The Pork Pie" - for £100 "I will bake myself inside a coccoon of jelly and sausage meat for your delight"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 11, 2020, 12:16:27 PM
Dr Eggman goes on the X Factor and shits on a hedgehog.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on November 11, 2020, 04:29:43 PM
You are 'Assanged' by the RSPCA for poking a rare white dogshit with the end of a broken umbrella.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on November 11, 2020, 05:10:27 PM
An investigative journalist tracks down Richie Edwards in Calcutta. The erstwhile Manic pulls up his sleeve and carves CASH4GOLD.COM into his arm before disappearing into the night.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 11, 2020, 06:00:19 PM
Ronald McDonald returns to public life.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 11, 2020, 11:40:23 PM
your new partner compliments your performance, "it's like you're Jimmy White and I'm a final"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on November 12, 2020, 12:35:35 AM
A paedophile watching old episodes of Live and Kicking optimistically calls 01818118181 only to discover it is now a Kwik-Fit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 12, 2020, 11:45:45 PM
Richard Dawkins spots you reading Frank Herbert's Dune on the train.

"Good book?" he inquires.

"Yes, I'm very much enjoying it!" you reply.

"Right then, I'll leave you to your delusion, fantasy nonsense then!" he smirks and goes off.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on November 13, 2020, 11:24:36 PM
Dawkins stands, agast at an open mic night

THIS SONG IS COMPLETELY MADE UP
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 13, 2020, 11:37:04 PM
Richard Dawkins smashes a Batman statue you bought in Forbidden Planet, "Infantile".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 14, 2020, 08:36:13 AM
A man from Frome desecrates a statue of Freddie 'Parrot-Face' Davies.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 14, 2020, 11:07:30 PM
A big Simon Cowell fan meets his hero in a Waitrose.

"Simon, I'm your biggest fan. My name is Harold Turnip, I'm 56 and I live here in Worcester. I'd love to be on that Pop Idol, but I suffer from depression and can't get out of bed in the morning."

"Give me your full address, and I'll pop around tomorrow for a chat!" agrees Cowell.

The next morning, Mr. Turnip is awoken by a familiar voice.

"Harold, Harold, he can't get out of bed in the morning!" sings Cowell.

Harold stares out the window at the badly-haircutted, plastic-surgery disaster.

"That's mean, Simon!"

"Well I'm a mean person! Anyway, Pop Idol ended years ago, y'daft twat!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 15, 2020, 04:11:21 AM
You can't get the smell of diarrhoea out of your trousers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 16, 2020, 12:31:20 PM
"WE'RE ALL DEPRESSED, BUT SOME OF US ARE STARING AT THE GUTTER, MATE!" screams a discombobulated loon before punting himself into a river.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 16, 2020, 01:03:33 PM
You can't get the smell of diarrhoea out of your trousers.

And you are due on stage with Dane Bowers in 5 minutes!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 16, 2020, 03:28:21 PM
Bamboozled into shelling out for a hospice loyalty card.

Bum tumour means you’re shitting pencils.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 16, 2020, 03:45:11 PM
Johnny Mathis accidentally goes to a David Baddiel show.

A self-styled Witchfinder General winds an Avon Lady with the old broom handle through the letterbox manoeuvre.

A busybody filming dogs shitting in an adventure playground gets lynched by a paedo patrol.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 16, 2020, 04:57:09 PM
You are about to eat a lovely big pizza in a restaurant when a voice pipes up behind you;

"Enjoy your comfort food! Only the week avoid the cold, grim realities of life!"

You turn around. It's Dawkins again.

"Look, Professor Dawkins, why don't you leave me alone?"

"The chap who I saw reading that fantasy twaddle Dune on the train, isn't it? Enjoy y'delusions, mate!"

And he leaves with a smug smirk.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 16, 2020, 05:09:26 PM
Dawkins gives a patient in the child chemo ward a proper dose of reality, while filming for his new CBBC show, Afterlife? AS IF!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 16, 2020, 06:30:13 PM
Dawkins gives a patient in the child chemo ward a proper dose of reality, while filming for his new CBBC show, Afterlife? AS IF!

"Don't get emotional about it, we all have to die sometime - things are tough all over, kid! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to give Stephen Fry another Richard Dawkins Award for contributions to reason at a slap-up dinner!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 17, 2020, 01:48:47 PM
A derelict outhouse becomes the venue for this year's Crisp Packet Fan Club meet-up.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 17, 2020, 08:03:42 PM
Beating a frying pan against your cummerbund to try and summon mister shrivelcock so you can consummate this night out with the suave bastard who tarmacked your Sega megadrive
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 17, 2020, 08:14:13 PM
A hidden panel in your dad's back reveals an abandoned control chamber full of porn and empty whippit canisters.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on November 17, 2020, 08:48:03 PM
A ruddy-faced lotto winner blows everything trying to revive Freddie Starr.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on November 17, 2020, 09:16:35 PM
Laurence Fox, the Board Game.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 17, 2020, 09:20:39 PM
You colleague taps you on the shoulder with a snigger and passes you a calculator. It has 8OO8135 typed in, always a winner, while the fomites you come into contact with give you Long Covid for 184 years.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on November 17, 2020, 11:04:23 PM
Your abdominal fat is siphoned by a furloughed Londis fitter.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on November 18, 2020, 12:12:11 AM
Bongo up the arse.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on November 18, 2020, 12:16:08 AM
The savant boy who devised the format of the UEFA Nations League has a meltdown when he realises not even he understands how the bloody thing works.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 18, 2020, 01:24:05 AM
Brian gives up.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 18, 2020, 12:17:22 PM
A floating support worker explodes in a hail of macrame swastiki.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 18, 2020, 12:18:12 PM
Gaffer tape Jaffa cakes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 18, 2020, 12:21:27 PM
Punched in the gasper for heckling a dressage commentator
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 18, 2020, 02:20:15 PM
A Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson tribute act bombs in a toilet in Perth.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 18, 2020, 05:16:07 PM
The nightly raids on your pet condor's grave goods leave nothing left but some bones in the shape of a tiny clothes horse.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on November 18, 2020, 06:16:09 PM
A child’s tortilla-pressed earlobe is a coaster for a mug of beef tea.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on November 18, 2020, 06:17:46 PM
Kirstie Allsopp spends 3 weeks hand-cutting, rolling, and tying her festive glitter bunting strings, only to be told that they are indistinguishable from 49p Lidl tinsel.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 18, 2020, 07:15:59 PM
the BBC News staff do a sketch about them actually 24 hours in fancy dress for Children in Need to point out how horrific that would be. the next year they do 24 hours in fancy dress for Children in Need
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on November 18, 2020, 09:44:21 PM
A Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson tribute act bombs in a toilet in Perth.

strong
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on November 18, 2020, 09:44:48 PM
A floating support worker explodes in a hail of macrame swastiki.

top wordbastard
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 18, 2020, 10:05:55 PM
Wasting days using an AI deep learning tool to upscale an episode of Bod to 4K.

Ten years inside for stealing Edmond’s spare beard.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 18, 2020, 10:21:21 PM
a newspaper controversially replaces the space character with the clap emoji
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 18, 2020, 11:00:01 PM
The 6th Annual Gethsemane Piss-Tryst is covid-cancelled to plural-faith dismay.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on November 18, 2020, 11:40:01 PM
"You're a disgrace to yourself, you're a disgrace to me and you're a disgrace to the entire noncing community!"

Terry has wiped the cloud storage again and the librarian isn't happy...
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 19, 2020, 10:39:14 AM
James Corden pushes a pleb off the sidewalk in New York.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on November 19, 2020, 10:39:53 AM
A fuck-ugly man whistles a fuck-ugly tune.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 20, 2020, 11:48:59 AM
Keith Homicide of Bracknell burns down a bird sanctuary near Hull.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 20, 2020, 03:46:09 PM
Borstal bastards on a mystery tour gatecrash your daughter’s funeral.

Your Jim-Davidson-faced wife asks you to buy her a new gunt trolley.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on November 20, 2020, 04:56:12 PM
Your entire Christmas dinner is various flavours of Percy Pig.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 20, 2020, 07:52:33 PM
The Hard-On of Gethsemane. You smile, satisfied with completing a life's ambition. Then of course, the nonce police arrive for you with a large starchy blanket.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on November 20, 2020, 09:21:25 PM
Your dad thinks Leah Betts is a publishing company and no one can be arsed to correct him.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 21, 2020, 12:19:19 AM
A Michael Keaton fan site has not been updated since 2004.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 21, 2020, 08:14:55 PM
A shipment of Baxter's Soup is contaminated with Andrew Marr's piss.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Bence Fekete on November 21, 2020, 11:56:20 PM
An eight year old hacks your new teeth while queuing for a carousel refund
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 22, 2020, 02:39:34 AM
The year is 1988 and Jim Davidson is asking a homosexual directions to a BNP rally.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 22, 2020, 01:41:44 PM
Boris Johnson sells Birmingham to Russia.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 22, 2020, 02:17:44 PM
Craig David formally appoints you as his successor.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on November 22, 2020, 03:38:45 PM
The neighborhood rats petition for your eviction.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 23, 2020, 10:21:07 AM
'Wank Wednesday' is ruined when your wife decides she won't go to her sister's this week.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 23, 2020, 07:49:03 PM
To one-up Narwhal Tusk guy, the next major terrorist attack in London is foiled by an avalanche of have a go heroes morbidly trying to out-lolrandom each other with their choice of repelling implement. The jihadist is eventually smothered with a pikelet, and 26 others die in the ensuing crush. Weirdly 18 of them are called Terry. The papers scream 'Best of British'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 23, 2020, 08:42:32 PM
Booze Britain cosplay
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on November 23, 2020, 10:23:41 PM
Craig David formally appoints you as his successor.

sorry, but thatd be fucking ace

now, if he had to carry one what ever it is that i think im getting up to on this end

now THAT is what i call desolate
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 23, 2020, 10:35:29 PM
sorry, but thatd be fucking ace

now, if he had to carry one what ever it is that i think im getting up to on this end

now THAT is what i call desolate

I also posted it in the Euphoria thread, which I do from time to time to amuse myself.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 23, 2020, 10:36:05 PM
Planko is that new avatar a gif of Ron?!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 23, 2020, 11:23:52 PM
Planko is that new avatar a gif of Ron?!

Yes. It has been around a long while but for years these fools let it lay dormant.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 24, 2020, 01:42:44 AM
Yes. It has been around a long while but for years these fools let it lay dormant.

First time I’ve seen it, big fan of seeing the guilt in motion.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 24, 2020, 11:38:27 AM
A farmer gets angry with a dray horse and spends an hour venting about his marital problems to it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on November 24, 2020, 10:29:27 PM
Young Danny's life is changed forever by the experience of his first train set. He is electrocuted.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on November 24, 2020, 10:41:12 PM
A Golden Joystick Awards white rapper is slowly forced through a garbage disposal unit by hands unseen. He raps to the end.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 24, 2020, 10:44:44 PM
Steve-O is denied entry to the British Airways Business Class lounge.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on November 24, 2020, 10:48:17 PM
Planko is that new avatar a gif of Ron?!

Yes

Though I feel a bit unworthy
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 24, 2020, 11:08:17 PM
Yes

Though I feel a bit unworthy

Big shoes to fill. No pressure.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on November 24, 2020, 11:08:52 PM
A young orphan's best friend is discontinued.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 24, 2020, 11:16:29 PM
Young Danny's life is changed forever by the experience of his first train set. He is electrocuted.

Young Danny grew up in the 21st century and missed the fucking golden age of having an accident and then having every line of every PIF featuring that sort of accident shouted at you by your peers, with gusto
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on November 24, 2020, 11:29:50 PM
A young orphan's best friend is discontinued.

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,82770.0.html
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 24, 2020, 11:42:40 PM
The servicing of your next shit is only possible by convincing your digestive tract of casus belli.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 24, 2020, 11:56:52 PM
Quote
Your Jim-Davidson-faced wife asks you to buy her a new gunt trolley.

Exquisite
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 25, 2020, 01:43:29 PM
Raymond from Sheffield has a custard creams fetish that would make your hair stand on end.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on November 25, 2020, 07:37:54 PM
A series of I'm A Celebrity takes place in north Wales rather than the Australian jungle due to COVID restrictions, and features as contestants Russell Watson and Vernon Kay.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on November 25, 2020, 07:55:50 PM
You come in, tired from a night shift and find Dave Benson-Phillips cheerfully shagging your wife.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on November 25, 2020, 07:57:36 PM
Pat Sharp has grown his mullet back and is canvassing on your street for the Tories.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 26, 2020, 11:08:29 AM
You are laying flowers on the graves of your partner and children who were killed by a bear when a familiar voice pipes up.

"Don't be so bloody sentimental! Get on with your life in a cold, logistical manner!"

Dawkins again.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 26, 2020, 12:02:34 PM
And worse luck, he’s brought his bear.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on November 26, 2020, 12:59:13 PM
And worse luck, he’s brought his bear.

False.

“Dawkins” is the name of the bear who killed your family.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 26, 2020, 01:05:02 PM
"Your family is shit! (due to natural metabolic processes)" Dawkins strides off, pleased with the line. To twitter!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on November 26, 2020, 03:18:23 PM
Richard Dawkins tops the charts with his new single, "Get a Bloody Grip, Woman".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on November 26, 2020, 03:20:54 PM
In your haste to perv over women in adverts, you post in the wrong thread.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on November 26, 2020, 11:24:05 PM
And worse luck, he’s brought his bear.

Richard Dawkins and his non-amazing non-believing-in-dancing atheist bear
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on November 27, 2020, 02:30:56 PM
Graham finger-paints with Angel Delight in his daily journal that today has been "Graham-tastic"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 27, 2020, 04:44:51 PM
You ring the local police station to report a robbery but the policeman is too busy wanking to answer your call.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on November 27, 2020, 09:22:39 PM
Graham finger-paints with Angel Delight in his daily journal that today has been "Graham-tastic"

Then he ruins it by remembering that angels in Christianity canonically have no gender and starts writing angry letters to Jesus.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on November 27, 2020, 09:24:44 PM
You ring the local police station to report a robbery but the policeman is too busy wanking to answer your call.

You (I) suddenly remember the windup Chinese 'British Bobby' wanking policeman with his 'truncheon' in his hand, the local, long shut down gifts, greetings cards & novelty tat shop used to sell.

Real life first decade of the 21st century imported saucy tat desolation.

eta: oh god, I've just found photographic evidence of the NSFW monstrosity
https://www.pinkcatshop.com/jokes265-clockwork-cocky-copper-the-policeman-who-pleasures-himself.html
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 27, 2020, 11:01:57 PM
^"Fuck Daz, I just saw the best thing ever online!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on November 28, 2020, 12:37:25 AM
the trailer for the niche fetish porn vid features a soundtrack of Gymnopédie No. 1
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on November 28, 2020, 01:45:07 AM
Cab crossover desolation

^"Fuck Daz, I just saw the best thing ever online!"

The Ledge buys and fills the spare room* of of his house with the entire leftover stock of unsold Cocky Coppers.
(*Daz'll just have to find a hedge to sleep in.)

He attempts to flog them off at several pounds a pop claiming their post-ironic & old enough now to be vintage (alongside the other tat on his stall of anti lockdown regulation T-Shirts and shoddy Union Jack bulldog giving the rude vs made in china facemasks - trying to cash in on both markets).

After a long day of standing behind his tabel in the rain (next to the piss stained old mattress & broken sofa) failing to make a sale, Garry (for it is he) spots Ned-not-admitting-middle-age coming and manages to con him into buying one for £100 convincing him it's ultra rare and if he shows it off to his mates from work everyone'll think's he's totally hip and trendy and one of the lads.

Unfortunately Ned fails to wait til they all go down the pub after work, and whips out his wanking polices right there in the office, while bragging about how this proves he's totally down with the kids.

Thanks to a terrible misunderstanding and office chinese whispers he ends up being questioned by the police and having to regularly sign the sex offenders registry.

Oh and he's sacked,again.

Ledge celebrates by getting his mates Anti-pedo Pete & his gang of not so jolly pedo hunters to beat Ned up.
Then offers to 'protect Ned' if he gives him all his pogs.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on November 28, 2020, 01:47:27 AM
^ thread won't let me edit - a) new page cunt. b) that should be a wanking policeman
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 28, 2020, 12:08:25 PM
"Daz, me life seems even more desolate than usual lately!"

"Louder, Gary!"

"DAZ, ME LIFE SEEMS EVEN MORE DESOLATE THAN USUAL LATELY!"

"That's because you've wanderer in the Deso thread, Gary."

"OH NO, HOW DO I GET OUT?"

"Keep shouting sir, we'll find you!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on November 29, 2020, 03:19:34 PM
If your ancestors could see you now.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 29, 2020, 04:38:19 PM
Reginald of Hove performs a take-down of a local tramp, saying, "No, you can't have and of my G&T you pleb of no abode!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 29, 2020, 05:10:47 PM
You smear bonjela onto a child's gums, but oh no, they have Reye's syndrome
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 29, 2020, 05:36:46 PM
Sam Allardyce is given a big-money 8 year deal at your club. He receives full control over signings, and spends his first press conference announcing a lavish multi-year contract for Phil Babb.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on November 30, 2020, 12:52:04 PM
Lee Mack is torn to shreds by wild boar and the CaB thread about it is filled with horrible comments mocking the poor man.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on November 30, 2020, 01:20:26 PM
Brian May keeps popping up in your dreams. Nothing too sinister but he’s always there, tuning his guitar while staring at you. It was an occasional curiosity at first but now May features in every dream you have, and in an increasingly prominent way. Worrying.

You start to think about him during waking hours too. A bit at first, when remembering the dreams, but soon its happening more and more.

Brian May now dominates your inner mental life.

Last week you started seeing him in real life. He was in Tesco’s, then at the petrol station. Yesterday you’re pretty sure he was seated on the top deck of a bus. Just looking at you. Tuning his guitar. Driving a police car. Reading the news.

This morning your neighbour said he saw Brian May in your garden. Your neighbour is Brian May.

You run in to tell your wife. You are married to Brian May. He is now spooning you, whispering in your ear: ‘I love you, Brian.’
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on November 30, 2020, 04:43:29 PM
Fortunately you soon get rid of him by pretending to be Candy Crush

(https://i.redd.it/cxkd48fvj8921.png)
^ real life actual Brian May not understanding twitter glorious hilarity.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on November 30, 2020, 04:56:24 PM
You immediately file for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences, after your wife suggests getting a takeaway by singing the "Did somebody say Just Eat?" jingle from the adverts.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 01, 2020, 12:30:51 AM
You try to assassinate Guam's Most Terrible Paedo but they have Klippel-Feil syndrome and you don't adjust your aiming, hitting a wren in the minge.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 01, 2020, 04:05:26 PM
Your McDonald's Happy Meal goes cold while a pair of Mormons loom threateningly and quiz you with deadly precision.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 02, 2020, 12:47:03 AM
Your sex partner Friar Cuck is RSVPooing Yes to the latest event at Kirkstall Halfords
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on December 02, 2020, 02:04:25 AM
Nick Cave releases a cover of Fairytale of New York, except every noun is replaced with the word faggot. He tweets relentlessly about it on Twitter, just daring some libtard to be offended. He is 63 years old.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 02, 2020, 08:49:15 AM
You order a wig but only made from the horseshoe of a badly balding man's hair.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on December 02, 2020, 12:34:43 PM
Dusty Bin running over with hospital offal.

Ducks in a park pond respond to the arrival of Robert Smith by immediately migrating, enmasse. Despondent, Smith haunts a bench and consumes his bag of bread himself.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on December 02, 2020, 02:09:12 PM
Dusty Bin running over with hospital offal.

+1
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on December 02, 2020, 02:20:28 PM
Nick Cave releases a cover of Fairytale of New York, except every noun is replaced with the word faggot. He tweets relentlessly about it on Twitter, just daring some libtard to be offended. He is 63 years old.

despite being a cover version, he is still shot dead over the xenophobic content, despite the original being Irish
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 02, 2020, 03:30:28 PM
Gerrard of Hove has saved enough crisp packets for the Guinness Book of Records, he reckons.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on December 02, 2020, 07:10:03 PM
Due to overzealous Covid restrictions at work, the gents toilets capacity has been reduced. What had been a 4 trap toilet arrangement has now been reduced to 1 trap. Andrew, the obese wheezing contractor has blocked the kahzee with bangers and mash again and its next level horrendous smelling. Knowing what he has done, he giggles and points at you with his shit eating grin. He knows you know its him and theres nothing you can do about it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 03, 2020, 03:03:41 PM
You are blackmailed into changing your name to Randal and have to hang around naked in the precinct all day. Otherwise, there's an envelope winging it's way to your wife, containing photos of you in a compromising position with a llama.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on December 03, 2020, 03:17:15 PM
Your tapeworm has met someone else.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on December 03, 2020, 03:56:54 PM
Zero fucks given at Irishman Des O'lation's funeral as the eulogy is snippets from the 6 desolation threads on a comedy discussion forum frequented by bald, phimoses ridden verbwhores.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on December 03, 2020, 04:47:11 PM
Zero fucks given at Irishman Des O'lation's funeral as the eulogy is snippets from the 6 desolation threads on a comedy discussion forum frequented by bald, phimoses ridden verbwhores.
And they didn't even bother to capitalise his name properly. Tans gonna Tan.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 03, 2020, 04:51:45 PM
Your tapeworm has met someone else.

Lovely. Bravo.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on December 03, 2020, 10:12:44 PM
Your tapeworm has met someone else.

Me am like.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 03, 2020, 10:22:33 PM
You develop a massive erection at the local coffee morning. It won't go away and you earn some very disapproving looks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 04, 2020, 09:12:11 AM
"They wouldn't be called stools if you weren't meant to sit on them", says the awful man at the back of the bus.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 04, 2020, 02:24:23 PM
After being blanked on a fell by a ram, a man sets up an industrial sheep farming operation.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on December 04, 2020, 04:16:51 PM
Your sex life has to be written off when your mother begins the menopause.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on December 04, 2020, 09:22:31 PM
It's only twenty past nine, but all this bleeding is making you tired.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 05, 2020, 05:53:09 PM
After a difficult diarrhea bout, you chance a hot curry. It starts all over again, y'bloody plonker!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 06, 2020, 12:33:33 PM
A Gammon's overdose attempt fails when he messes up the conversion from grammes to ounces
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 06, 2020, 03:40:43 PM
Greg from Dumfries gets caught short during a decathlon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 06, 2020, 04:11:24 PM
Greg from Dumfries gets caught short at a branch of Decathlon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on December 06, 2020, 09:00:14 PM
You open the door to number 6 on your Smiggle advent calendar to discover the foetus of your aborted sister.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 07, 2020, 09:25:49 AM
You pass your Dad busking the Wiggles back catalogue on his penis.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on December 07, 2020, 10:30:18 AM
the local feminist group tells you it was your own fault you got a kicking for looking trans instead of like the sort of women men want to fuck
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 07, 2020, 11:03:24 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/AoQ79Vw.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on December 07, 2020, 11:45:57 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/AoQ79Vw.jpg)
The ugly duckling.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 07, 2020, 05:11:45 PM
The ugly duckling.

THUMBS UP ICON.


Colin, 17, embarks on a career in HR, fully expecting it to be shit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on December 07, 2020, 08:30:32 PM
The RSPB are investigating Heron Foods on suspicion of taking their name too literally.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on December 07, 2020, 09:16:18 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/AoQ79Vw.jpg)

I was walking along an elevated footpath that used to be a railway track yesterday, there was a bloke leaning over the bridge, with one of those dogs that's like a staffie but twice as big, peering over the wall next to him, with a can of tennents in his hand, both just aimlessly watching the world go by.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 07, 2020, 09:52:57 PM
The RSPB are investigating Heron Foods on suspicion of taking their name too literally.

In other news, Trading Standards force Farm Foods to rebrand as Industrial Meat Shed Foods, prompting a sharp increase in sales in the Bolton area.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 07, 2020, 10:11:03 PM
Chaos banking with Chaka Demus & Pliers
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 07, 2020, 10:20:20 PM
Chaka Demus absorbs Pliers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 07, 2020, 11:24:25 PM
Chris Grayling visits a shoe depository in Osaka to find a wife for his cum slipper.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 07, 2020, 11:32:51 PM
A self-service guillotine is installed in Shepeau Stow's ossuary express.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 08, 2020, 04:25:43 AM
A pallid librarian refuses entry to a butch woman he considers to be "one of them trendengenders".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on December 08, 2020, 12:06:42 PM
Captain Sir Tom Moore sends you a cease and desist
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 08, 2020, 07:02:53 PM
A The Who tribute act gets booed off 'the stage' in a Borehamwood pub. Youngest member is 56.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on December 08, 2020, 11:29:36 PM
A The Who tribute act gets booed off 'the stage' in a Borehamwood pub. Youngest member is 56.

One of them was Roger Daltrey 'having some fun' on his day off. Nobody recognised him.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 09, 2020, 12:02:39 AM
One of them was Roger Daltrey 'having some fun' on his day off. Nobody recognised him.

He doesn't even recognise himself in the toilet mirror. "Who am I... who-who-who-who?!"

(https://i.imgur.com/AoQ79Vw.jpg)

Not Stellla so not Gary, then.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on December 09, 2020, 11:38:16 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/AoQ79Vw.jpg)

These Bridgwater monoliths are shit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 09, 2020, 04:29:59 PM
A Hale and Pace tribute act crash spectacularly at a working men's club in Salford, 1990.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 09, 2020, 09:32:33 PM
A couple of months ago you started a covert version of buzzword bingo, like office bingo but within your family home. You've just done a tally up and so far the leading phrase, by some distance, is "blunt force trauma"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 10, 2020, 12:02:39 PM
You are berated for bringing a Colin the Human Centipede cake to a 4th birthday party
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 10, 2020, 05:28:05 PM
Roger of Dunstable is looking forward to his "birthday dump".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 10, 2020, 11:12:50 PM
Roger of Dunstable is looking forward to his "birthday dump".

Dumpstable
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 11, 2020, 09:12:11 AM
My real life deso from this morning: accidentally stepping in molten human shit while clearing up used condoms and needle wrappers in recreation area[1]
 1. I was using a litter picker before anyone asks
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 11, 2020, 09:37:17 AM
My real life deso from this morning: accidentally stepping in molten human shit while clearing up used condoms and needle wrappers in recreation area[1]
 1. I was using a litter picker before anyone asks

Oh fuck Pings you poor fella.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 11, 2020, 09:42:06 AM
Well, I chose to do it (not the stepping in shit, mind). The real desolation is trying to picture the scene that left this detritus: vulnerable woman gives knee trembler to guy who's just shot up, his mate squirts out his first shit for three days while he waits his turn. Grim.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Norton Canes on December 11, 2020, 11:59:56 AM
vulnerable woman gives knee trembler to guy who's just shot up, his mate squirts out his first shit for three days while he waits his turn

Time
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on December 11, 2020, 12:25:29 PM
Could just be a pharmacist gone rogue.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 11, 2020, 01:15:35 PM
Or the remains after a meeting of the shadow cabinet
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 11, 2020, 06:31:24 PM
A shrine to casualties of a landslide is turned into a cocktail bar. "Excellent!" declare the grieving survivors. "A round of 'Muddy Buggers', please."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on December 11, 2020, 08:42:17 PM
Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses fails the Bechdel test.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on December 11, 2020, 08:58:17 PM
A Falklands veteran aggressively commandeers the nudge buttons on a fruit machine you are playing in a Coverack pub.

As you get into your car in a multi-story car park, a glance in the rear view mirror reveals Simon Bates in the back seat.
    “How did you find me?”
    “Just drive.”

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on December 11, 2020, 11:05:56 PM
Sucking the head of a Lindt small chocolate snowman, imagining it's a cock.

Might belong in euphoria tbh.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 12, 2020, 02:46:23 PM
Your son Ballard is strung up on a joist by some onion scented ne'erdowells.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on December 12, 2020, 03:45:11 PM
A troop of ‘authentic’ pygmies is turned into a yogurt logo by a pissed-up Sudanese telemarketer.

Your evening’s fantasies are coloured by your day job: looking at cocks all day in the morgue.

You’re outbidded for the clippings from some dried-cum boxer shorts by the reverend of your ailing parish.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 12, 2020, 07:03:04 PM
You have an absolutely head-wrecking bad dream and wake up at 5PM on a grey day!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 13, 2020, 11:28:31 AM
Turkey fat face burns in the k-hole, salmonella boxing day in the ICU
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 14, 2020, 06:19:11 AM
Cold Monday, bleak shittiness, etc.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on December 14, 2020, 12:49:44 PM
Nigel Farage pulls another slip of paper from his desk drawer and beams. For he has found yet another angle to stay relevant in the public eye.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on December 14, 2020, 06:09:09 PM
Richard from Keeping Up Appearances engages a self-destructive weekend of humiliation fetishism: "I'm Mr Bucket, put your balls in my mouth" his cry
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 15, 2020, 04:44:10 AM
A train ride is ruined when a man sits opposite you with a big sour, muggy puss on him. You ask him politely why he isn't wearing a mask but he just mugs and sours at you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on December 15, 2020, 02:22:00 PM
A train ride is ruined when a man sits opposite you with a big sour, muggy puss on him. You ask him politely why he isn't wearing a mask but he just mugs and sours at you.

he cries to the media and is awarded £20,000 in compensation for lying that you coughed on him and gave him the virus he'd carried onto the train from work

he spends it on a heroin habit and gets HIV from a shared needle

he's an AIDS denialist and you meet him later, boasting about his slim figure and fitness routine

it's obvious to both of you that that's complete bollocks and he's dying of AIDS

when he dies, you are given his possessions after appealing the £20k case and your name is cleared. worth £18.46 minus a standard admin charge of £200. you slam the door in the face of the delivery agent, and get on the phone to the papers, prick definitely coughed on you. deffo. coronavirus was eradicated eight years ago. but still
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 15, 2020, 10:56:16 PM
A paedophile has a quotidian disappointing shag up a man dressed up as a boy. It just isn't the same.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 16, 2020, 12:14:25 AM
After stewing over a positive HIV result a gigolo resolves to be 'a one-man AIDS Dignitas'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 16, 2020, 02:53:27 AM
Sucking the head of a Lindt small chocolate snowman, imagining it's a cock.

Might belong in euphoria tbh.

DESO.

A child is excited about the arrival of Santa, until Richard Dawkins pops his head in the window and shouts, "Oh grow up! Santa Claus is fictitious nonsense and a boy of nine should be aware of that!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on December 16, 2020, 09:09:07 PM
You can no longer take the 50% credit of the compliment-by-proxy that “Your daughter is beautiful,” after you find out your wife conceived her with the bin men.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on December 17, 2020, 09:05:18 AM
A poorly audited 6 Music "Business Time" segment sees Lauren Laverne giving shout outs to McDonalds, Kwik Fit and the National Front.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on December 17, 2020, 12:16:24 PM
DESO.

A child is excited about the arrival of Santa, until Richard Dawkins pops his head in the window and shouts, "Oh grow up! Santa Claus is fictitious nonsense and a boy of nine should be aware of that!"

Richard Dawkins claims his subsequent breaking and entering charges are a fabrication from the woke Muslim stasi. despite the clearest evidence
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on December 17, 2020, 01:43:23 PM
Richard Dawkins heckles an infant school nativity play, emitting a loud, pained “No!” after nearly every line. He leaves briskly as soon as it’s done. Another play is starting soon in a nearby school he can’t be late.

A threadbare Cookie Monster glove puppet streaked with orangey human shit. “For my favourite godson. Happy Christmas!” You write on the gift tag. You don’t have a godson.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 18, 2020, 07:06:13 AM
Evil Richard Dawkins pops in to see a terminally ill child and yells, "ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR SHORT AND MEANINGLESS LIFE!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on December 18, 2020, 09:57:09 AM
Richard Dawkins is suspended from twitter so sets up his own mastodon fork where he can have a space to talk about his own agenda. It's populated entirely by sycophants and he can't get a good fight going with anyone
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 18, 2020, 07:22:25 PM
A pustuled hand linger-fingers the bum sheds
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 18, 2020, 08:05:03 PM
Richard Dawkins gives Stephen Fry The Richard Dawkins Award for Defiance of Political Correctness at a slap-up ceremony in Dubai in which Ricky Gervais is also in attendance.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on December 18, 2020, 09:27:34 PM
Richard Dawkins gives Stephen Fry The Richard Dawkins Award for Defiance of Political Correctness at a slap-up ceremony in Dubai in which Ricky Gervais is also in attendance.

J*m D*v*ds*n sits at home, opening another tin to convince himself he's not bitter. the tin is bitter, though
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 19, 2020, 01:13:12 PM
Children buy Penny Growlers with grot coins

Dead dogs dangle from a fly strewn milk cart


In the village of Odd Stainsby, in Lincolnshire
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 19, 2020, 02:18:36 PM
Watching Paint Dry with Alan Titchmarsh, Mondays on Five.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 19, 2020, 02:22:04 PM
Dream interpretation with Alan Hansen. All interpretations relate to football.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 19, 2020, 02:23:33 PM
A cold salad goes rotten on a plate in a Devonshire shite cafe.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on December 19, 2020, 05:37:17 PM
Real box-ticker right here.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mum-who-eaten-christmas-dinner-23181163
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on December 19, 2020, 06:25:10 PM
Real box-ticker right here.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mum-who-eaten-christmas-dinner-23181163
God.

We've got:
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on December 19, 2020, 07:11:05 PM
A shitload of mushy carrots and a piece of meat the size of a baby's fist.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 19, 2020, 07:29:58 PM
Weaponised phaal guffs
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 19, 2020, 08:24:42 PM
A shitload of mushy carrots and a piece of meat the size of a baby's fist.

Tim Martin in shambles
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on December 19, 2020, 11:19:49 PM
Your anus is a disappointing Xmas attraction, branded in the press as tawdry, incomplete, off-putting to children and not living up to a slick marketing campaign.

Your wife: A balloon with a photo of Antony Worrall Thompson pasted on it and tethered to an uncooked chicken wearing miniature tights and suspenders.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 20, 2020, 06:55:04 AM
Richard Dawkins tells a depressed newborn to pull it's socks up.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on December 20, 2020, 08:46:59 AM
Standing in a hospice car park, and with the aid of a bullhorn, Richard Dawkins gives his traditional Christmas lecture on entropy and the inevitability of death.

A drunken Dawkins loudly berates an elf for 'perpetuating evil lies' before being dragged away and informed it's just a child in a green anorak.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on December 21, 2020, 01:28:07 AM
Genuine Sooty shop merch.

(https://i.imgur.com/vKENwpC.jpg?1)

What's that Sooty?

2020's finally got to everybody - even Sweep's had enough, failed to make a noose & ended up a sausagey tangled mess,
and he's actually really, really hungry now, but he can't even eat the sausages because they're all dried up and shriveled?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on December 21, 2020, 04:49:08 PM
Those aren't sausages. Those are Sooty's Boxing Day shits strung together on a thread. Just before he died of bowel cancer.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 21, 2020, 05:18:20 PM
Gape drains gulp thick piss-blood at Thrattock's Meats

In the village of Odd Stainsby, in Lincolnshire
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 21, 2020, 07:18:03 PM
A bum doesn't know what to do with itself, turning this way and that in a bit to emit diarrhea in a neat and tidy flood.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on December 21, 2020, 08:54:59 PM
The wife finds you prancing around your moonlit conservatory, wearing just your coma daughter’s panties. FFS 2020!



Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Evil Knevil on December 21, 2020, 09:02:10 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/zN2hLbV/puredeso.jpg) (https://ibb.co/Ybd7K8B)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on December 21, 2020, 11:19:09 PM
Your gingerbread men inform you they are tired of life and are throwing themselves off a high cupboard to their deaths, but really it's a scat fetish club and they're jumping in your toilet, repeatedly.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 21, 2020, 11:40:23 PM
The wife finds you prancing around your moonlit conservatory, wearing just your coma daughter’s panties. FFS 2020!

You call it a conservatory, she calls it a henge of pizza boxes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 22, 2020, 08:46:21 AM
A closed-down Greggs proves an eyesore on a sooty Birmingham hovel-street.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on December 22, 2020, 03:40:50 PM
an abandoned leisure centre, guarded by turrets that bark "GET BACK YOU BASTARD, I'LL BREAK YOUR LEGS"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 22, 2020, 05:44:07 PM
T. Cannick, 48, of Yorkshire, thinks long and hard about PlayStations5. Gnrr. All his friends have them. Dare he get an XBoxer? Dare he?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 22, 2020, 05:46:03 PM
PLEASE VULVAFY ME FROM MY CLIT TO MY UPPER ASSHOLE, croons Grandpa Fingers, who has been listening to Nicky Minja on a loop since thingy died.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 23, 2020, 10:45:16 AM
Greg Crackers of Kilburn slams a hamburger into his anus "for a thrill?"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 24, 2020, 08:10:11 AM
A lowly menial travel agent desk serf proves mean and nasty, and is dubbed 'The Lunn Poly Bastard'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 24, 2020, 08:15:02 AM
Peter glows every time someone says the word 'nonce'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 24, 2020, 08:17:16 AM
Peter glows every time someone says the word 'nonce'.

He flickers twice in succession every time the word 'poncey' comes up.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 24, 2020, 12:38:02 PM
A Minge Lord plies a lost child with goose fat

A festive strain of cowpox does the rounds

Abattoir outflowings glisten the streets


It's Christmas! In the village of Odd Stainsby, in Lincolnshire
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 24, 2020, 01:58:47 PM
Harold of Staffordshire has an arse that reeks of burnt cabbages.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on December 24, 2020, 07:29:30 PM
a fresh Irish Republican campaign kicks off in England, and since most of the country will instinctively blame The Muslims anyway, they get away with it
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 24, 2020, 09:16:16 PM
PLEASE VULVAFY ME FROM MY CLIT TO MY UPPER ASSHOLE, croons Grandpa Fingers, who has been listening to Nicky Minja on a loop since thingy died.

Very good
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 24, 2020, 11:50:27 PM
After a tense recount, your new prime minister is Barry Manilow.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 25, 2020, 09:29:04 AM
Gal Gadot spits on an extra.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 26, 2020, 12:54:44 PM
You mog around a dull road with all dogshit on the path.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 27, 2020, 03:13:48 AM
An arse pays tribute to the glans region.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on December 28, 2020, 04:38:27 AM
being promised a baby yoda for christmas & unwrapping this grumpy elf with a slug in a potato sack body.

(https://i.redd.it/8051rce5at761.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 29, 2020, 07:22:25 AM
More than is deserved tbh
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 29, 2020, 01:18:52 PM
Reginald, 51, enjoys rolling in cold muck of a bad Monday.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 29, 2020, 02:54:37 PM
A game of Cards Against Humanity is optioned as an HS Art thread, which gets two replies.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 30, 2020, 01:39:27 PM
(https://i.redd.it/8051rce5at761.jpg)

Dobby has really let himself go.

You become obsessed with Nesquik to the point where if you don't have two jars of the stuff a week you're like a fucking demon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 30, 2020, 03:09:10 PM
After a laundry mixup, you end up camped in Keir Starmer's taint gas.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on December 30, 2020, 04:58:05 PM
You attend a midnight mass in a pair of piss soaked cords.

A Prader Willi sufferer eats a 12 person honey glazed ham in the back of a Vauxhall Sharan, in an Asda car park.

The kitten you received for Xmas chokes to death on a fake plastic moustache that squirted out of an Xmas cracker.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on December 30, 2020, 07:54:35 PM
Watching Christmas day Eastenders, you realise you will never be as popular as Ian Beale.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on December 30, 2020, 10:54:56 PM
Hospice deathbed wank. Interrupted. Never completed.

The first ominous mention of a Mrs Brown’s Boys box set occurs inside a rain-pounded caravan.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on December 30, 2020, 11:53:29 PM
At a family function you are offered a "special treat outside" by Bad Graham, a man not known for respecting the autonomy of others.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 31, 2020, 12:44:33 AM
A deed sea creature's Mawbook group 'GET ON THE LAND' fails to take off, which it blames on, 'blacks'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 31, 2020, 12:59:08 PM
Morrissey binges a Mind Your Language boxset at his LA mansion.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on December 31, 2020, 03:18:58 PM
the Tory Mp who fell for Cake is celebrating his New Years Brexit in a travelodge with a lifesize cut out photo of Maggie Thatcher

https://twitter.com/amessd_southend/status/1344363331436617728

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EqgjUmvW4AIW55U?format=jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on December 31, 2020, 07:41:12 PM
Ah so that's what that was all about in the Farage Photoshop thread! Another top notch CaB meme, and supplied by a Brass Eye VIP and all!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuntbeaks on December 31, 2020, 09:44:51 PM
New Year, new tumor.

A New Year's chem-sex party in Derby ends in February.

A New Year's Day steak pie is found to contain 48% gristle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on December 31, 2020, 09:53:45 PM
You send a dick pic to Michalea Strachan but she mistakes it for 'a mole rat sleeping in a greasy nest'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on January 01, 2021, 12:31:25 AM
You send a dick pic to Michalea Strachan but she mistakes it for 'a mole rat sleeping in a greasy nest'.

Laughed
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 01, 2021, 01:25:11 AM
You forget that it's the New Year and still think it is the last shit year.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 02, 2021, 01:52:14 AM
Malcolm Arse of Hastings spends his autumn years swearing at young people and spitting tobacco on the pavement.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on January 02, 2021, 03:12:53 PM
A new year, and a man realises that his marriage has been held together by the shock wave flash plug in for all these years
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 02, 2021, 04:27:17 PM
A new year, and a man realises that his marriage has been held together by the shock wave flash plug in for all these years

Also, the only thing he has in common with his daughter is a love of JavaScript. "It's the only thing we can bond over."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on January 02, 2021, 05:03:11 PM
Your panel-beating career hits the skids.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on January 02, 2021, 08:24:46 PM
Your panel-beating career hits the skids.

The Skids retaliate en masse
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 02, 2021, 08:26:18 PM
A smog-cloud shaped like Richard Dawkins face grins meanly above a dark satanic mill.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on January 02, 2021, 09:03:31 PM
The new level 6 restrictions see all television programmes replaced with Richard Dawkins explaining why you're an inadequate, gurning fuckwit, while Ricky Gervais laughs in the background.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 02, 2021, 09:18:45 PM
Dawkins pops out of a bowl of sherry trifle, spitting "Act with some dignity, would you, and stop celebrating and being happy!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 03, 2021, 02:37:01 PM
A grey soup malingers in the pot while you scrub-a-dub-dub some shitty carpet.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on January 03, 2021, 02:44:50 PM
A grey soup malingers in the pot while you scrub-a-dub-dub some shitty carpet.

Ned gate crashes the thread to sing the Shake'N'Vac jingle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 03, 2021, 02:56:43 PM
Ned gate crashes the thread to sing the Shake'N'Vac jingle.

"Go back! Back to the shadow!" cries Ledge, who has popped in during a lull in his own thread.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 04, 2021, 03:33:53 PM
A piece of Welsh rarebit goes cold on a desk clerk's desk in 1973.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 05, 2021, 06:51:09 PM
As a mind-control experiment, the entire British Nation is made to perform 'So Long, Farewell' from The Sound of Music.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on January 05, 2021, 08:14:27 PM
As a mind-control experiment, the entire British Nation is made to perform 'So Long, Farewell' from The Sound of Music.

Something about escaping to Switzerland and Dignitas.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on January 06, 2021, 02:06:25 AM
real life reddit ad desolation

A terrible Nirvana wannabe, keeps throwing money out the window on adverts spamming their shitty soundcloud, and keeps the replies on even though they've had most people telling them their music is shit & they can't sing etc. for over a year.

They're convinced that somehow this is going to magically turn them into a meme which will make them rich and famous.

https://www.reddit.com/user/Imbred-/comments/bcmuy9/hi_i_am_a_songwriter_who_makes_punk_and/
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on January 06, 2021, 06:55:17 PM
Sue Towsend's book The Queen And I becomes real and Her Majesty is banished to a bedsit with no heating

(https://i.imgur.com/EdXhtuX.jpg)
'One's cunt of death is freezing'

(also almost me in real life, but less grumpy queen faced, because it's fucking cold)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 07, 2021, 05:21:24 PM
You go mental and piss on a train carriage.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on January 07, 2021, 08:42:14 PM
Feel like shite, just want Corbyn back.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on January 07, 2021, 09:35:11 PM
Alone in your kitchen, you play "Did I dirty it today, or did I fail to wash it yesterday?"

Forced by a great-uncle's legacy to name your as-yet-unconceived first child either Peregrine or Penelope if you wish to be freed from poverty, and standing over your naked wife, you try desperately to remember if doggy style or missionary has a greater chance of conceiving a girl.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 07, 2021, 10:22:31 PM
You go mental and piss on a train carriage.

Wasn't expecting that and laughed
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 07, 2021, 10:25:17 PM
Wasn't expecting that and laughed

Haha! It's always the off-the-cuff ones, isn't it? Whilst something you have in your head and think, "Can't wait to post this, should get a chuckle if there's any justice!" falls flat with nary a titter* in sight!

*Oo-er!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 09, 2021, 01:23:15 AM
Richard Dawkins prevents a child from buying themselves a treat by blocking the confectionary counter in the local newsagents. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Dannyhood91 on January 09, 2021, 01:48:17 PM
You, as a child, find a washed up bottle on a beach with a note in it. You get excited and then read the note and it just says "GO ON, PULL BACK THE SKIN AND WANK IT".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 09, 2021, 07:46:36 PM
DJ Spoony describes your death as 'pukka'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 10, 2021, 06:59:40 PM
You Google 'spatulas' and accidentally see a load of illegal images that haunt you till your grave.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on January 10, 2021, 08:27:01 PM
You buy a lovely pack of salami but when you open it it's just dogshit and pubes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on January 10, 2021, 08:33:40 PM
Margaret Hodge takes it upon herself to liberate the homeless with a bolt gun and a spade.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 11, 2021, 02:48:28 AM
Matt Hancock is discovered wanking naked in Piccadilly Circus at dawn.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 11, 2021, 11:56:39 PM
A shitty pair of Y-fronts dangles from a broken lamppost in Skegness.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on January 12, 2021, 08:46:47 AM
You are given a £200 fine for leaving the house. Never mind that it was on fire and you evacuated -you should have burnt to death in it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on January 12, 2021, 01:49:15 PM
You are given a £200 fine for leaving the house. Never mind that it was on fire and you evacuated -you should have burnt to death in it.

you storm off to pass Go more out of spite than anything else
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 12, 2021, 08:15:06 PM
Samantha Fox describes covid as "the AIDS of the 2020's," in an interview with Gardner's World magazine.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on January 13, 2021, 02:20:52 AM
Your Google image search for 'hairy cunt' is just hundreds of pictures of you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 13, 2021, 09:25:52 AM
All your Tamil Nadu mates give you a proper razzin'. No, no, leave it out, leave it out, Tamil Nadu mates, you cry, but to no avail.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on January 13, 2021, 09:29:22 AM
Your Google image search for 'hairy cunt' is just hundreds of pictures of you.

despite the fact you've been Duncan Goodhew your whole life
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on January 13, 2021, 11:49:26 AM
Billy Bragg is caught at deep backward square while prodding at a wide one in the first back garden gnome cricket test.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 14, 2021, 05:21:47 AM
A poster for a Crash Test Dummies gig from 1995, going all soggy in a basement.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on January 14, 2021, 07:44:12 AM
You never seem to find the time, but you vow that soon you will finish your life's work: the definitive Mark Goodier biography.

Richard Dawkins' ghost gets into an argument with Derek Acorah over his own existence.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 15, 2021, 03:22:42 AM
You have an enormous breakdown and roll around in sleety cold mud.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 15, 2021, 06:56:22 AM
You have an enormous breakdown and roll around in sleety cold mud.

It's the most fun you've had in years.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on January 15, 2021, 02:14:56 PM
Your asphalt blood splat fortuitously spells out “now they’ll be sorry” but is mopped away by an illiterate janitor mistaking it for jam.

Poland. “If he doesn’t auto-strangulate, we’ll do it ourselves,” say the appalled midwifes, but still, you climbed out of the rubble.

You got what you want, only you didn’t want it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on January 15, 2021, 02:22:18 PM
The happiest taxi driver I know killed himself.

A lamb is fucked, first minute out the sac.

Stain. Never coming off. Never. Coming. Off.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on January 15, 2021, 09:18:31 PM
Genuinely happy to live in a waterproof bag in a field.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on January 15, 2021, 10:11:20 PM
Kahlil Gibran said, “A pearl is a temple built by pain around a grain of sand. What longing built our bodies and around what grains?“

A pearl is a lump of shit built by no one in an empty universe. No longing created us, there’s only the pain.

EDIT GLITCH CUNTFACE
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on January 15, 2021, 10:12:55 PM
NEW RANGE GREETING CARDS:

“Dog shit kicked up an arsehole. Fuck off.“
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 16, 2021, 12:31:18 AM
Jamie Redknapp says to stop taking the oceans for granted. Got it?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 16, 2021, 07:26:17 AM
All shitty excrement runs down your new slacks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Scarlet Intangible on January 16, 2021, 09:13:21 AM
You agree to go on Desert Island Discs.

When you get to the studio the producer informs you there's been a mix up: it's not Discs, it's Desert Island Sadists; and it's not actually a hypothetical - you'll be flown off right after the show. You don't even get to choose the sadists; they've already been chosen.

'I'm afraid you've already signed the contract sir. So... you'll be reading from this script, ok?' the producer smarms, shoves it in your palm.

You wriggle to the bathroom; it's ten minutes before airtime. You splash water onto your face, look up into the mirror, and see the squirmy Matt Hancock staring back at you. You are he; it dawns on you. For the first time, it dawns on you. You are Matt Hancock. Christ.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on January 16, 2021, 01:29:09 PM
You have to brush your sheets down because Tim Vincent has been eating almond croissants in your bed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 18, 2021, 12:10:52 AM
Welcome to Incest Lockdown
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 18, 2021, 01:56:15 AM
A pavement crevice provides you with relief, best shag in decades.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on January 18, 2021, 04:26:05 PM
The jovial Oak Furniture Land salesman recreates the famous ads by knocking on a table and exclaiming "There's no veneer in 'ere, nor evidence that I touched any of those girls," before walking out the door and under a bus.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on January 18, 2021, 06:06:45 PM
2 girls 1 cup is added to Netflix.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: poo on January 18, 2021, 06:55:37 PM
On his Twitter bio, your boss describes himself as a “Craghoppers fanboi”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on January 18, 2021, 07:03:59 PM
Banged up on remand and your celly is Michael McIntyre. He wants you to hear the material he's been working on for his comeback tour. And then he'll bum you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on January 18, 2021, 08:46:09 PM
Ambient builder shouting piped directly to your life.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 19, 2021, 12:43:46 AM
A 59 year-old phimotic starts his own Quidditch tournament in his back garden. It's just him and his dog, Weasley.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: seepage on January 19, 2021, 05:28:13 PM
Ambient builder shouting piped directly to your life.

I find it's usually the "business partner" who has no actual building skills but owns the van and knows how to apply VAT.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 20, 2021, 11:53:47 AM
Former TV cunt John Leslie scrapes rancid shite off the leg of his trousers with the lid of bean tin after standing against a dogshit covered wall in a pissy town.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 21, 2021, 10:58:34 AM
Mick Fleetwood removes his chin and leaves it in an airing cupboard.

A raw onion goes mouldy at the back of a Tesco warehouse.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on January 21, 2021, 12:27:58 PM
Brian is building a gulag in his back garden "For when the time comes."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on January 21, 2021, 01:19:59 PM
Billy Bragg releases a cover of Crazy Frog (Axel F Theme) and donates proceeds to ITV’s charitable foundation.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on January 21, 2021, 10:07:20 PM
Your penis is a secret you will take to your grave.

Grace Jones is stalking you around Tesco again. Oh wait, no, that’s Geoff Capes.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 21, 2021, 10:17:30 PM
A winter high tide captures 33% of the UK's end of the pier entertainers, but fails to kill them.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 22, 2021, 08:01:01 AM
A sentient sock puppet is making it's way from Shropshire to Hull, when it suddenly thinks, "Ah nah mate fuck my life."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on January 22, 2021, 03:58:29 PM
"And how is your wife? Hehehe!" Richard Osman smugly addresses you. Before you can reply with anything witty he says "Smell my fingers, mate."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 22, 2021, 06:10:14 PM
A man who has been postponing suicide because his intention was to do it in tandem with the international release of No Time To Die gets a cashew lodged in his larynx. To death? Yes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on January 22, 2021, 10:27:12 PM
A mystery tour driver hate-scrolls through Wayne Sleep's twitter timeline while waiting for his coachload of void dodgers to come out of the biscuit factory.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on January 23, 2021, 11:21:41 AM
A gross of raw Edmonds is embedded in a BBC digital file, causing a glitch on the iPlayer that makes Mr. Blobby appear as an avatar of doom.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on January 23, 2021, 07:37:44 PM
Your nan dies deep in the woods in a waterlogged gingerbread house that you helped erect.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 24, 2021, 10:31:46 AM
Stalked by golf fans forever shouting GET IN THE HOOOOOOLE at you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on January 24, 2021, 01:14:48 PM
Your newly-arrived Russian bride is a dead bear in a yellow sundress. That’s the third time now. Frustrating!

Your attempt to woo your beautiful new neighbour with a photo of your taint polyp ends in ignominy when you fall out of the Morrisons passport photo booth.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on January 24, 2021, 11:08:49 PM
Your newly-arrived Russian bride is a dead bear in a yellow sundress. That’s the third time now. Frustrating

And it wasn't even a Russian bear, you got conned by some chancers who just pinched one from your local zoo, and spent all that 'delivery money' on cigs.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 26, 2021, 03:08:08 PM
Waking up covered in that film you get underneath onion skin, in Poole.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on January 26, 2021, 06:28:33 PM
Your new housemate moonwalks into the front room.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on January 26, 2021, 10:37:47 PM
Your penis is described as “a work in progress”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on January 28, 2021, 02:13:29 PM
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/716518da-a659-4854-907f-daa5e18f7292-jpeg.196678/)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on January 28, 2021, 03:11:16 PM
Slowly grating yourself into a sewer, feet first, with sparse public attendance.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 29, 2021, 08:27:46 AM
The nit comb you've been using as a toothpick has to be called into action for its true purpose, a musical instrument.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on February 01, 2021, 04:37:02 AM
Your uncle says your railings project “has scope” but he’s not even being charitable—he simply doesn’t care.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 01, 2021, 04:57:43 AM
You are declared Hortator of House Goebbels
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 01, 2021, 11:40:09 AM
You are declared Hortator of House Goebbels

You are declared “Dönitz-tier”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: DoesNotFollow on February 01, 2021, 12:07:38 PM
Waking up covered in that film you get in Poole, in the carpark of the Halfords autocentre in the Nuffield industrial estate, Poole.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 01, 2021, 02:40:54 PM
Boycey's Sheffield lovechild pitches Dogglebox to the thin face in his bathroom mirror.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on February 02, 2021, 05:41:17 PM
Visiting Auschwitz to take a break from your sex tourism holiday to Poland.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on February 02, 2021, 10:38:00 PM
Paul Weller is very confused by a flood of bad amazon & yelp reviews from bewildered visitors of seashanty tiktok complaining about his total failure to deliver them sugar and tea and rum.

---

Paul Weller discovers seashanty tiktok and moans "this song is totally inaccurate, but I guess I should be pleased it didn't mention The Jam or my stupid hair, not even once."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on February 03, 2021, 02:57:27 AM
You awaken to discover you are just an eye on the pillow.

Back to sleep then.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on February 03, 2021, 10:00:12 AM
Refusing to watch a Guy Ritchie film because they use the term Pikey instead of Gypo.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on February 03, 2021, 10:26:14 AM
Paul Weller is very confused by a flood of bad amazon & yelp reviews from bewildered visitors of seashanty tiktok complaining about his total failure to deliver them sugar and tea and rum.

---

Paul Weller discovers seashanty tiktok and moans "this song is totally inaccurate, but I guess I should be pleased it didn't mention The Jam or my stupid hair, not even once."

a similar case befall's the back end of a bus favourite Vitabiotics and their range of male-oriented vitamins and supplements
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on February 03, 2021, 01:37:31 PM
A peer-reviewed scientific paper proves you’re a twat.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 04, 2021, 11:29:29 AM
Your valentine's gift of a staple gun is returned with interest.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 06, 2021, 08:16:59 AM
Your new godfather Rhydian holds a cum fiesta in your attic
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 08, 2021, 09:47:30 PM
Oh you 3d printed a new leg for that paraplegic duck, how kind. Except now you've created a cyborg rapist.

Great work with the 3d printer there

Just great.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on February 08, 2021, 11:36:05 PM
your batshit paranoid mum sends her new man Bob to pick you up from the shopping mall
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on February 10, 2021, 07:04:56 AM
AEathelred Son of WAEathelwrong, shouts down a well for a laugh, the echo that reverberates back isn't his voice though. Suddenly a waEll Wytch leaps out and wanks him to death.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on February 10, 2021, 07:06:44 AM
A pyramid labourer takes a shite between the massive stones, this throws the alignment with the stars off by a micrometer and causes civilisation to do a wrong'un.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 10, 2021, 11:27:03 AM
After hearing the opening strains on Sue Ryder's Hospice FM, all the care workers break into a boisterous rendition of Gary Glitter's 'I'm The Leader of The Gang'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on February 10, 2021, 05:36:49 PM
A Last of the Summer Wine outtake is discovered where Compo is doing a shooting-in-the-back-of-the-head motion to the back of Clegg's head.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 10, 2021, 06:14:18 PM
Your role in the heist is demoted to “watching our coats”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: shagatha crustie on February 10, 2021, 06:37:38 PM
You shit out some silverfish.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on February 11, 2021, 06:39:52 PM
Your name, mis-spelt on a gravestone, in comic-sans font.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on February 11, 2021, 09:24:31 PM
Your name, mis-spelt on a gravestone, in comic-sans font.

It's a 'going away gift' from your parents following your disclosure of a terminal illness.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on February 12, 2021, 12:25:54 AM
A man robs a newsagents disguised with a home-made Pa Larkin mask.

Richard Dawkins goes to a vending machine to get "a tin of fizzy pop."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on February 12, 2021, 01:12:12 AM
A man robs a newsagents disguised with a home-made Pa Larkin mask.

The actual David Jason is last seen loudly protesting his innocence.


Quote
Richard Dawkins goes to a vending machine to get "a tin of fizzy pop."

Spends over an hour lecturing the machine on why it's foolish to believe in God or a god.
In the end they have to call the police to get him removed from the leisure centre.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: GMTV on February 12, 2021, 09:29:56 AM
You fist pump when you read your latest notification "congratulations, you're in the top 99.98% of Onlyfans creators in your local area". Fuck me only 0.02% above me, I'm good.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on February 12, 2021, 01:04:28 PM
Pipped to the post at interview stage -losing out on a customer service position for a hearing aid company to the bass player of Babylon Zoo.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on February 12, 2021, 02:06:39 PM
It turns out busty MILFs in Plymouth are NOT waiting to fuck you. Waste of a coach ticket.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 12, 2021, 02:26:29 PM
A door handle is put where a door handle really shouldn’t go.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on February 12, 2021, 04:47:55 PM
A door handle is put where a door handle really shouldn’t go.

On the hinge side of the door, right?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 12, 2021, 05:25:53 PM
Could be, could be.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on February 12, 2021, 10:31:54 PM
Richard Dawkins does a Zoom Q&A with Joss Whedon on the topic of "Islam and feminism."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on February 14, 2021, 05:18:03 AM
An iridescent fishwife glides into oblivion.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 14, 2021, 09:49:33 AM
A spatula collector boasts of an 'ersatz Angel Delight' he has created.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 14, 2021, 11:03:44 AM
A gerontophile belches stale reambreath over a covid nurse before wheezing a horrid catarrh laugh.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 14, 2021, 12:47:49 PM
Joe Swash is selected as the Lib Dem candidate for Lewisham East.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on February 14, 2021, 09:57:26 PM
Tonight Matthew, I am going to be R. Budd Dwyer.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on February 15, 2021, 12:08:15 AM
John Challis washes up in a Bulgarian car park covered in what I can only describe as 'pilchards'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on February 15, 2021, 01:19:49 PM
Your only birthday present is a cardigan woven from clogged hairs pulled out of Richard Keys' shower drain. Wear it and dance for me, you twat.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 16, 2021, 09:40:41 AM
The girl you fancied for ages has gone upstairs with your best mate. You console yourself by listening to Be Here Now downstairs.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 16, 2021, 04:38:23 PM
The new chair of Ofcom Paul Dacre redecorates his office with wallpaper illustrating the function of the caste system.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 16, 2021, 04:43:28 PM
The only thing more banal than the concept of “Open Federalism” is your essay on it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on February 17, 2021, 11:36:54 AM
The executor of your will deliberately ignores your request that there's no fish paste sandwiches at your wake.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on February 17, 2021, 06:29:17 PM
The executor of your will deliberately ignores your request that there's no fish paste sandwiches at your wake.

The executor also ignores your request for an open casket display as a closed casket makes a handy table for plates of fish paste sandwiches.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 17, 2021, 06:48:29 PM
It's milt day and you forgot to leave the empty bottles for the miltman on his rounds.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on February 17, 2021, 10:54:20 PM
According to the letter from Matt Hancock, your imminent burial is just a precaution.

Marrying a horsehair crab by mistake.

Your anus receives a spate of bad reviews on Swansea bus station toilet doors, prompting a new diet.
 - Pisces.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: DoesNotFollow on February 18, 2021, 05:11:17 AM
A sad idiot in a cold meadow


"bitch I'm not paying you to think! MORE TADPOLES!"


hours. tinkering. garage. new substance. 'phlegma'. bus. patent office (in head).
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on February 19, 2021, 05:38:47 PM
the proper, nice old-fashioned VR that you used to get
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 19, 2021, 11:38:14 PM
Garry Kasparov is stuck trying to explain 'en passant' to a busload of human dung on a coach trip to go look at some rocks near Builth Wells.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 21, 2021, 11:12:23 AM
Hold my rape uniform, barks a beleagured Clive Myrie at a drowning concierge.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on February 21, 2021, 04:20:20 PM
Alvin Stardust watches The Rockford Files and pours mayonnaise over a woman's tits.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on February 21, 2021, 06:24:55 PM
a failed rocker comes to the conclusion that it's a pretty decent business after all
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 21, 2021, 07:13:50 PM
After a tragic explosion at the belm museum, the council dedicates the National Chode Garden in your memory.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 21, 2021, 07:17:04 PM
Lembit Öpik logs into his anonymous troll Twitter account to settle some scores.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on February 22, 2021, 12:14:55 AM
real life Happy Birthday To Me desolation.

my Dad sent me an animated musical 'jazzy birthday' ecard on the wrong day
and he's threatening to come and see me 'soon'

eta: he seems to be using his wife's email and they seem to be not using their married surname

could be worse, just browsed the ecard site (who the fuck (except my dad) is still impressed by ecards in 2021?) -
he could've sent me Jacquie Lawson's evil Birthday clown dog
(https://i.imgur.com/Wet6z2e.png)

I think I've just found Han's nemesis.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on February 22, 2021, 12:32:35 AM
so yeah, happy birthday to me.

(edit glitch?)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on February 22, 2021, 05:52:24 AM
Sting has tantric sex with a frog in a rain forest.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on February 22, 2021, 09:03:21 AM
real life Happy Birthday To Me desolation.

my Dad sent me an animated musical 'jazzy birthday' ecard on the wrong day
and he's threatening to come and see me 'soon'

eta: he seems to be using his wife's email and they seem to be not using their married surname

could be worse, just browsed the ecard site (who the fuck (except my dad) is still impressed by ecards in 2021?) -
he could've sent me Jacquie Lawson's evil Birthday clown dog
(https://i.imgur.com/Wet6z2e.png)

I think I've just found Han's nemesis.

Because we were locked down in separate countries, my mum sent me two ecards for my thirtieth birthday: a birthday one and a very disturbing one of sheep dressed in green doing a jig, because I live in Ireland. I found the experience genuinely upsetting, to the extent that I've subsequently had to talk about it with a therapist.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 22, 2021, 12:43:16 PM
Your attempt to terraform a lizard tank results in devastating genital injuries.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 22, 2021, 02:35:42 PM
Bought a welding hood off ebay because you thought it'd make you look sexy but then left it in a booth at Burger King after your wife's funeral.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 22, 2021, 11:27:31 PM
A frigid coxswain files reports about her 'rotten gallops' to the coastguard.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on February 22, 2021, 11:49:45 PM
Margaret Attwood submits Trollope's Barchester Towers to the publisher having simply put her own name on the front.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 22, 2021, 11:51:58 PM
Firstborn child named after Toadfish from Neighbours.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 23, 2021, 12:13:18 AM
Your last memory is of your Australian uncle screaming "GET A SNAG DOWN YOUR POM GULLET, YOU WOOFTER" at a family barbecue when you were seven.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on February 23, 2021, 01:30:06 PM
a cosy chat show goads Richard Ayoade into doing the rap from One Track Lover
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 23, 2021, 03:34:09 PM
A 15 year inquiry into the Aberfan disaster concludes that, despite not being alive at the time, it was all your fault.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on February 23, 2021, 03:44:14 PM
Richard Dawkins, talking to himself about Muslims on a cold bench in Bournemouth.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 23, 2021, 08:56:13 PM
John Terry cuts the ribbon on your dog grave
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on February 24, 2021, 09:42:21 AM
Richard Dawkins uses the irrefutable proof of inevitable oblivion to depress a busker on Oxford Street.

An obese pug pees in a depressed busker's coin hat.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on February 24, 2021, 01:17:27 PM
John Cleese describes the removal of the golly as the Robertson's mascot as "PC gone mad. I mean I know they got rid of him years ago, but still. It's PC gone mad and it's just one the many reason's I don't live in Britain anymore but on some balmy, luxury island that so resembles the England I remember."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on February 24, 2021, 01:31:51 PM
An ineffectual dreamer finally gets his chance to play the Dane. Sadly, that Dane is Sandi Toksvig.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 27, 2021, 01:37:46 PM
Mr Motivator lets all your fan letters pile up on his desk over years, then wipes his shitty arse with them
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on March 01, 2021, 01:19:57 PM
Now it’s lambing season The taxi service solely for bestialists is advertising for drivers again.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 01, 2021, 01:24:28 PM
Your ascendancy to Jarl of Scunthorpe is impeded by the presence of a drunk wasp at the official rending ceremony.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on March 01, 2021, 02:18:38 PM
"Tonight Matthew, I'm going down the pub". everyone howling. not even a setup or feed. howling
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on March 01, 2021, 06:34:03 PM
You advertise your children on a rusty gate.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 01, 2021, 08:00:33 PM
You can here the neighbours having a big, sexy garden party next door while you spend the afternoon breaking up and trying to flush a huge dump.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 02, 2021, 09:18:11 AM
Barry of Solihull becomes untethered from its moorings and starts terrorising Birmingham Airport with vast canvas attacks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 02, 2021, 12:20:16 PM
Bald Dirkey, from the adjacent cell to yours, tells you there's a way out of Huddersfield AIDS Prison. A way out, you ask? Yes, a way out.

You pick up your fingers from the bunkside table and lick your appendage stumps fit in preparation for the escape.

'The tunnelling begins in your arsehole'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 02, 2021, 02:15:07 PM
Thomas the Clunge Tank begins his journey from Belmsville to Fuck Off Island
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 02, 2021, 02:20:21 PM
An erectile family goes fucking beserk on a Nottingham estate after one too many jokes about them being dysfunctional.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 02, 2021, 02:24:46 PM
Your dad calls you a cuck during a family argument about cinema veritie
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 02, 2021, 05:08:50 PM
Tim Henman and Greg Rusedski team up to “get” you in the shallow end of Wisbech Public Baths.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 02, 2021, 05:09:36 PM
You are tasked with writing the wikipedia page for Wisbech and by god did you make a hash of it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 02, 2021, 08:42:01 PM
Virat Kohli cover drives you for 4
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on March 02, 2021, 09:21:10 PM
“Radish time...” croaks your mother, as they switch her off.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 03, 2021, 10:13:40 AM
Stalked by a twilight huffghast while trying to find a torch to inspect micro-lesions on your foreskin
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 03, 2021, 12:34:40 PM
You discover a man naked rubbing himself against a forest branch.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 03, 2021, 01:41:01 PM
John requests to put a mask on to protect himself from covid during being mugged. The muggers agree and the mugging takes place.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on March 03, 2021, 08:02:40 PM
Your terminal son is cheating on you with Peter Hitchens.

Your reflection refuses to meet your gaze during a candlelit mirror wank.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 03, 2021, 09:39:05 PM
Quote
Your terminal son is cheating on you with Peter Hitchens.

Love it. Not a word wasted.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on March 04, 2021, 12:26:47 PM
On closer inspection, all of the silvery bits on a Pearly King's jacket are actually just cum.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 04, 2021, 03:00:55 PM
A fecund squirrel lobs a large acorn at a rare deer and knocks it into the back of beyond.

Neil Warnock leaves a jam sandwich out "for any passing tramps."

A Keith Harris and Orville tribute act fails to hit the mark at a dull garden party in Penzance, 1998.

Your knob turns into Michael Keaton overnight. If you have a knob, bit male-centric that.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 04, 2021, 03:04:49 PM
Local tramps pool resources to make a jam sandwich for Neil Warnock, which they leave directly on his front step. He wolfs it down en route to have his knee crystals zapped.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on March 04, 2021, 04:57:46 PM
Your ponytailed middle aged dad is in a band with his bald mates called Bitch Charisma, and they have a song called "You Know You Love It, You Slags"

You are barred for life from Grimethorpe Miner's Welfare after a DNA test shows traces of ancestry from nearby Shafton.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on March 05, 2021, 02:20:42 AM
On closer inspection, all of the silvery bits on a Pearly King's jacket are actually just cum.

Nice
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on March 05, 2021, 03:59:23 AM
Your rehabilitation centre for distressed whelks is firebombed again.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 06, 2021, 05:00:16 PM
Mick Hucknell slides down a drain sluice and ends up in Coventry.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on March 06, 2021, 05:31:48 PM
Your game of “Guess the Gibbon: Skeleton Edition” goes awry when a debate about an ulna turns into a  lethal children’s fistfight.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 06, 2021, 06:17:49 PM
Janice gets turd paralysis.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 08, 2021, 01:47:26 PM
Richard Dawkins is asked to design an afterlife we can all enjoy.

It's basically a small business supplies shop on an industrial estate.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 08, 2021, 01:52:24 PM
Men reward women with a 2nd day, for their hard work
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 08, 2021, 01:53:48 PM
A man from Staffordshire becomes so depressed he starts a relationship with a plover.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on March 08, 2021, 06:13:41 PM
a birthday card saying

SEX
now I've got your attention
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 08, 2021, 06:57:29 PM
Your ghostwriter keeps calling you a cunt and says the facts of your existence are 'nothing, fuck off'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 08, 2021, 09:42:44 PM
a birthday card saying

SEX
now I've got your attention

“Happy 36th birthday!”

You turned 34, three weeks ago.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: TrenterPercenter on March 08, 2021, 10:36:07 PM
(https://cdn-a.william-reed.com/var/wrbm_gb_food_pharma/storage/images/media/images/news-photogalleries/670176/richmond-launches-new-frozen-ready-meals/11742012-1-eng-GB/Richmond-launches-new-Frozen-Ready-Meals.png)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: seepage on March 09, 2021, 08:13:57 AM
^ for the Euphoria thread, surely?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 09, 2021, 04:53:40 PM
Nigel Havers throws a glass of sherry in the face of a banker in Knightsbridge.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 09, 2021, 07:45:03 PM
Your octopus Pol Pot registers an account for you on Stormfront, just to be an arsehole, only to discover you already have several.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 10, 2021, 04:06:55 PM
An overweight wiccan chases a steak and bake down an alley in Thurso.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 11, 2021, 01:15:56 PM
Your donation to World Kidney Day is outed by QAnon as 'nonce money'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 11, 2021, 04:41:34 PM
You wake up to find your spouse has been replaced by a Ronald McDonald statue.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on March 11, 2021, 04:47:07 PM
The Calibri font family issues a press release describing you and Eamonn Holmes as "cut-price wankers, scum"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on March 11, 2021, 11:10:17 PM
A defeated signage salesman chokes on a pastie outside a sparesly cliented Weymouth amusements.

Your mum's been writing love letters to Ian Brady again, burning them so he can read them 'in heaven'. Despite your best efforts, she's pushing ahead with wedding plans.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on March 11, 2021, 11:56:53 PM
Your donation to World Kidney Day is outed by QAnon as 'nonce money'.

+1.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 12, 2021, 08:22:38 AM
The world of pothole repair is suddenly so much clearer after 3 hours of hectoring by Bolg the Inductor (Guernsey Council).

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 12, 2021, 10:06:07 AM
Colin's rolling pin collection perishes in a treehouse fire.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on March 14, 2021, 02:33:50 PM
Exhausted, one's left eye drifts into an alternative universe of frightening horrors. One's right eye remains in this universe of frightening horrors.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on March 14, 2021, 02:45:46 PM
Documented on Instagram: the 7 days it took your toddler to stamp a frog to death.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on March 14, 2021, 02:54:06 PM
Canal burials now available. Vocal opponents of 'submergences' are first up against the wall, then, ironically, into the water.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on March 15, 2021, 12:58:25 AM
Fray Bentos forehead tattoo
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on March 15, 2021, 01:05:00 AM
A man named Pop blows himself.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on March 15, 2021, 01:06:39 AM
(https://cdn-a.william-reed.com/var/wrbm_gb_food_pharma/storage/images/media/images/news-photogalleries/670176/richmond-launches-new-frozen-ready-meals/11742012-1-eng-GB/Richmond-launches-new-Frozen-Ready-Meals.png)

On my crappy laptop and with the image shrunk, it looked like the cursive print said

Quote
Der oven Irish recipe

Which seemed a bit racist.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on March 15, 2021, 01:22:38 AM
Lab grown Fray Bentos
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on March 15, 2021, 02:11:33 PM
Your cancer operation is postponed again, due to 'malaise'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 15, 2021, 03:14:20 PM
Number of Graham Linehan threads reaches triple digits.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on March 15, 2021, 04:51:19 PM
Godzilla swallows your wedding ring, and his gut transit time is extraordinarily slow considering the amount of porpoises he eats.

You figure out how to get comic sans in a forum post.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 15, 2021, 04:59:08 PM
Gregg Wallace is caught "greasin' 'imself up... naked!" by a local nerk in a bush in Chigwell.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on March 15, 2021, 06:56:54 PM
Alien Ant Farm are back by popular demand
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 15, 2021, 07:59:38 PM
Stale custard creams are 'dinner' for the third day in a row because you are "too depressed" to cook. Come on mate, pull y'socks up. You're a grown man.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on March 15, 2021, 08:28:46 PM
Planting cocaine in your garden turns out to be abortive.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 16, 2021, 08:12:38 AM
Your tract contents are described as 'the pinnacle of sauce' by some French.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 16, 2021, 08:14:05 AM
Your cancer operation is postponed again, due to 'Malays'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 16, 2021, 09:39:05 AM
After trawling through condolences cards for personal insight into a deceased woodworm expert, the vicar is forced to choose between 'stank of shit' and 'not someone I'd desire frequent contact with' as eulogy material.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 16, 2021, 10:45:57 AM
You flesh out a racist lyric 'It's easy to speak Pekinese' into a 6 hour space opera because you misheard a takeaway owner refer to you as 'chattal'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 16, 2021, 04:36:44 PM
You Google happy animals and end up viewing extreme porn. Another month of guilt and depression.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on March 17, 2021, 06:35:50 PM
Aced your new job interview BUT it’s in a ditch, in an Aberdeen, in a hollowed-out turd spore on Fred West’s face, in a forgotten Bovril tin clattering on a ghast tractor’s exhaust—stuck half-way down the ghoul pipe—on a plank of timber washed onto a beach gnarled with sewage. The boss man is called KATO PAC and the whole place fucking STINKS of prawns.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 17, 2021, 06:40:54 PM
Your best mate Bendy the Ruler calls in a long standing debt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 17, 2021, 06:53:11 PM
A warm can of Guinness causes ructions in the arse region.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 18, 2021, 02:50:43 PM
A My Little Pony tries desperately to look the other way.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 18, 2021, 03:50:12 PM
Comedian Kevin Day gets angry with a broken DVD player.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on March 18, 2021, 07:46:15 PM
Classic Classified Football Results
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 19, 2021, 08:33:35 AM
You wake up in Scarborough covered in dog vomit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pingers on March 19, 2021, 09:46:03 AM
You wake up in Scarborough covered in dog vomit.

At least things are looking up
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on March 19, 2021, 06:10:43 PM
The chemical affecting the senses most at the Daniel O’Donell mosh pit is something other than ammonia, the purists are irked.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 19, 2021, 10:40:59 PM
Mike Read enjoys a Grange Hill VHS binge watch in his bedsit in Furness.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 19, 2021, 10:52:58 PM
The biblical mouse plague of Eastern Australia claims another victim. A biblical mouse.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 20, 2021, 12:33:50 AM
The inventor of child safety locks is entombed in a sandpit, but no matter how hard he pinches and twists the sand, he can't get free.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 20, 2021, 01:22:14 AM
Arnold of Suffolk masturbates himself naked down.the high street while neighbours make comments like "I always knew there was something about Arnie."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 20, 2021, 10:22:07 AM
You are spurned from a multi-faith prayer room because 'no one recognises the Church of Power-Wanking'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 20, 2021, 10:40:38 AM
You go to a rave and someone tells you you've come last. You don't fully understand what a rave is so get upset.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 20, 2021, 11:00:44 AM
A sun-downing parakeet.

Polly literally just had crackers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on March 21, 2021, 12:20:27 PM
A man making a dead dog puppet dance to Blurred Lines wins Bridgwater’s Got Talent, 2021.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 21, 2021, 05:39:11 PM
Gerry Adams brings out Easter eggs.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on March 21, 2021, 05:53:08 PM
Your last words are “Asparagus, by Chedney Honks...”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 23, 2021, 07:55:12 AM
The jokes thread on a comedy forum struggles to fill 11pages after two years.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 24, 2021, 07:51:12 AM
Graham Norton gets bored and kills a guest.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on March 24, 2021, 09:49:46 AM
Johnny Ball tells some pork belly that "it's OVER".

An out of shape bingo caller hogs a carousell seahorse.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 24, 2021, 08:49:16 PM
A farmer puts his scarecrow reading a copy of The Telegraph from 2011.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 24, 2021, 08:55:40 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/3HHgMxR_d.webp?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on March 24, 2021, 09:15:54 PM
Christ thought that had to be a mock up
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 24, 2021, 09:23:00 PM
Christ thought that had to be a mock up

Yeah the absolute state of it.

https://mobile.twitter.com/eddiemarsan/status/1373242851677634563
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on March 24, 2021, 09:31:53 PM
400 piece Will Carling jigsaw, lurking in a hospice cupboard.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on March 25, 2021, 04:19:53 PM
Pete Wylie gets addicted to the Sun puzzle page.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 25, 2021, 04:58:47 PM
a telephoto lens is left in the fridge
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 25, 2021, 05:29:26 PM
Cold haddock on a windy day in a shite village.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on March 25, 2021, 05:30:11 PM
Pete Wylie gets addicted to the Sun puzzle page.

That explains why he never sent me the copy of Pete Sounds I ordered off him a year ago just before the first lockdown.
(real life Wylie purchasing deso)

I kinda suspected the site was old/abandoned and I'd probably never get the cd when I ordered it, + felt he probably deserved to finally get some money off me seeing all the Pete/Wah stuff I've owned & really liked was either second hand/free/taped off the radio.  Torn between thinking viewing it as a kind of Pete tax - I mean he probably needs the money. ands 'Where my fucking cd Pete?'  Could've got a refund from paypal but too late now. ah well. 

Tbh I'm just amazed he finally managed to actually finish and release it (even if only briefly via pledgemusic),
 fuck actually hearing it. (it's probably a bit shit anyway, innit. eta: I probably could just torrent the bloody thing but is it really worth the eletricity?)

----

Real life Radio 2 listeners wives doing HSart threads out of a job desolation - just heard zoe Ball Sara Cox claim a listener emailed in saying:

"My wife talks in her sleep because of medication

I once heard her singing the whole of Orville's Song with added swearing."

I'm now imaging Orville going 'I wish I could fucking fly, but I fucking can't'. and it's so hilariously shit and grim and probably already been done somewhere on cab, it's great.

(eta: I'm slightly too young to actually remember Orville's song (just about still remember watching the actual show) but think I've heard bits via a terrible songs compilation show &/or youtube and mostly repressed the horror - very sickly and twee I think.)

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 25, 2021, 08:19:51 PM
Grumpy nonce shouting at it's dog.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 26, 2021, 07:38:19 AM
Daffyd's painstakingly recreated scale model of Belsen is destroyed in a scale model of an air raid, to the haunting sounds of the pan pipes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 27, 2021, 05:03:04 PM
Your abuser installs bright new #Livelaughlove ornaments in the front room.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on March 27, 2021, 10:37:18 PM
Greg of Dumfries collects yogurt pot lids. He has also murdered 28 people.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on March 28, 2021, 09:42:31 AM
A completely unqualified man drifts into becoming a bursar.

A suicidal quantity surveyor finally gets the help he needs... from Dignitas.

Note to self: re: speed dating. Swollen prostate = BAD icebreaker.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 28, 2021, 11:57:16 AM
A belm pilot crash lands inside Barry’s duodenum.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on March 28, 2021, 06:47:15 PM
A warning sign next to a railway crossing reads “PHONE DAZ”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on March 28, 2021, 06:52:26 PM
Your dad joins a hip-hop crew and insists everyone refer to him as 'the assmaster'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on March 28, 2021, 06:53:37 PM
Your step dad fucks cod fillets in a chest freezer.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on March 28, 2021, 09:28:38 PM
The Bargain Hunt Christmas special sends the contestants to sniff out the best deals in human trafficking.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on March 28, 2021, 09:38:20 PM
The cat’s done a miscarriage in your mum’s dogging helmet.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 01, 2021, 12:46:03 AM
Avid Merrion takes your Dad for a karaoke of Ali G's Me Julie on the death tier lung ward.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on April 01, 2021, 01:46:09 PM
Kier Starmer beats you in yet another round of words with friends. He reminds you that despite the title, you have no friends.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 01, 2021, 03:28:26 PM
Tim Henman does a poo on Andy Murray’s doorstep.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 01, 2021, 05:46:27 PM
Thirsk's equivalent of the droogs from A Clockwork Orange go for their first night out for a bit of the auld debauchery, but get stuck in a mire near The World of James Herriot and need rescuing by a local.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 01, 2021, 07:22:15 PM
Kier Starmer beats you in yet another round of words with friends. He reminds you that despite the title, you have no friends.

The coldness..
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 01, 2021, 07:56:57 PM
Cold broth on a shite Tuesday.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on April 01, 2021, 09:48:06 PM
Your Easter Egg: a Tesco scotch egg smeared with Nutella.

Weeping uncontrollably, Christopher Lillicrap spends Easter smashing a patio with a hammer.

Peter Hitchens hurls a lamb’s head through your kitchen window.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 01, 2021, 11:54:09 PM
Former Blue Peter presenter Mark Curry does a really bad sketch of Grouty from Porridge and fucks it in the bin.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 02, 2021, 01:03:35 PM
Weevils are named 'The Best Thing' in a Reader's Digest poll.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on April 02, 2021, 04:29:40 PM
A pathetic and stupid old man smirks at your genital cluster
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on April 02, 2021, 10:56:56 PM
Prostate massage in a bin
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on April 03, 2021, 12:54:18 AM
A Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds fan struggles to buy back his fully autographed John Smiths beer mat after finding out it wasn't that Warren Ellis.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 03, 2021, 09:54:07 AM
Piotr sends a thank you card to 'the turd burglar that did my skin graft', filled with a competing but equal mixture of gratitude and bigotry.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 03, 2021, 09:59:26 AM
Armin van Helden completes 'all the levels of the Game Boy' from his carrion plinth at the End of Life Care Home in Grange over Sands.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 03, 2021, 10:03:32 AM
Callipers used largely for measuring derelicts on a biowaste ward become the centre of a whimsical feature film starring a really clever monkey.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 03, 2021, 10:05:46 AM
KFC's new CEO announces a 'celebratory return to our overtly paternalistic, racist, megapolluting origins'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 03, 2021, 10:07:18 AM
Genghis' torpor goes into belm overload as he passes a really quite prosaic alignment of rocks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 03, 2021, 10:11:14 AM
Cantine slop described as 'mung-level', 'AIDS OUROBOROS', 'holocaust confirming', 'post-necromancy', 'everything I didn't want forever' and 'cack tuck' was all made by your mum, the one you call mummy, she did it all, and is responsible, and the press are here, they are asking why, they are asking where she is, they are asking you to justify this, come on then..
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 03, 2021, 10:18:15 AM
Your knee pus is deployed as a binding agent for telegraph pole repairs in Benin, and 'they'll be back on Tuesday to get more of it'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 03, 2021, 02:44:53 PM
"Do you want to come back to my place and look at my extensive Mini Eggs wrapper collection?"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on April 04, 2021, 12:31:02 AM
Shoulders, those last two were particularly excellent.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on April 04, 2021, 12:49:12 AM
car poo wth Robert Llewellyn
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on April 04, 2021, 03:06:22 PM
A Pueblo clown spends their life savings to fund a trip to Stoke Newington to observe first hand some 90s comedians in their native environment.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 04, 2021, 03:10:33 PM
A Pueblo clown spends their life savings to fund a trip to Stoke Newington to observe first hand some 90s comedians in their native environment.

Brilliant.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 05, 2021, 12:52:37 AM
Richard Dawkins describes happiness as "supernatural nonsense".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on April 06, 2021, 10:50:55 AM
Prostate massage in an abandoned whelk farm
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 06, 2021, 12:53:00 PM
Frank Spencer tribute goes a bomb at a gammon club in Wensleydale.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 06, 2021, 07:28:46 PM
Prostate massage in an abandoned whelk farm

Prostate massage at a newly consecrated whelk farm.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 07, 2021, 08:27:51 AM
Recordings emerge of Matt Hancock discussing Belly Mujinga and how he will 'crush her in the Octagon'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 07, 2021, 03:54:10 PM
Squiggins the hamster passes on to the afterlife. In memoriam, its owner Keith faxes individual sheets of pink printer paper that gradually spell out 'Thank you pet and goodbye' to the back office castastroplegic at Bicester Rymans, who doesn't know Keith nor Pet.

'Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say a few words directly?'

'No that would be wholly inappropriate', Keith replies.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on April 07, 2021, 04:15:18 PM
the semi final of a cup less important than the league cup
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 07, 2021, 05:55:32 PM
You transition to become black purely to prove racism doesn't exist
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on April 07, 2021, 10:06:03 PM
Hounded by the Dignitas marketing algorithm.

Now on Babestation, in a change from our regular programming, here's Grinding With Arthur Mallard.

Richard Dawkins harangues a broken shaman outside a Glastonbury woo parlour.



Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 08, 2021, 12:11:53 AM
Frozen pizza in the oven, will be done in 28 minutes, most excitement since January.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 08, 2021, 12:19:09 AM
Ollie from Oldham spends four years studying the natterjack toad.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 08, 2021, 08:33:34 PM
A coxswain is fucked into smithereens by a series of storks
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on April 08, 2021, 09:39:32 PM
A cock-up in the Mastermind office means you're answering questions on Birds of a Feather 2014-2017. Next round is Sri Lankan test cricket.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 09, 2021, 03:40:11 AM
Dusty old Craig of Mendip enjoys a Boon VHS binge.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on April 10, 2021, 01:34:13 PM
Sarah Kennedy spews a splashy jet of Rioja all over her lap at the sight of fairness on a mild ITV police procedural.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 11, 2021, 08:48:27 AM
Terry who can only get hard by huffing pva glue during circuit breaker lockdowns petitions his MP who tells him to visit his GP who tells him to fuck off and die
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 11, 2021, 01:33:17 PM
Royston Kettleworth hangs around street corners in his hometown of Holmfirth waiting to "spit at a burka."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 11, 2021, 01:47:25 PM
The good people of Beccles vote to become genderfluid, to the irritation of the 24% who don't want to.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 12, 2021, 04:12:27 PM
Steve Davis is fired from snooker and ends up working in a dildo manufacturing plant.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on April 13, 2021, 04:09:07 AM
Why is it that the queen is allowed to own all the wild living white swans on English and Welsh rivers, lakes and canals yet somehow doesn’t own the wild living black swans of our waterways - it’s political correctness gone mad I tell you, mad. Also, why don’t the Islam’s give up Muslims  for Lent, they don’t want to integrate.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on April 13, 2021, 08:19:14 AM
Why is it that the queen is allowed to own all the wild living white swans on English and Welsh rivers, lakes and canals yet somehow doesn't own the wild living black swans of our waterways - it's political correctness gone mad I tell you, mad. Also, why don't the Islam's give up Muslims  for Lent, they don't want to integrate.

The new prime minister's first speech from the Downing Street lectern is widely acknowledged as a triumph of oration.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 13, 2021, 01:31:52 PM
Bert of Hove slides inexorably into a mediocrity swamp.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 13, 2021, 02:06:05 PM
Your new title 'Gerald of Pus' fails to impress three girls at a bus stop.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 13, 2021, 02:07:22 PM
The council ask why you are self harming yourself in the balls. You have no idea.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 14, 2021, 09:07:53 AM
None of them, not a single member of your extended family wish to see your kids: 'cos they are belsen'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 14, 2021, 09:16:54 AM
At the vertex of your masturbatory excelsis, the anal creampie pullback reveals none other than DJ Tiësto and your mother executing some sort of rancid transaction.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on April 14, 2021, 11:30:22 AM
On his deathbed, your 90 year old dad announces he “can’t wait” for his first Hellwank.

A vicar bursts a bum grape with a spire-dildo, leaves negative feedback on EBay.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on April 14, 2021, 02:37:32 PM
Your 2* tripadvisor rating of your mum's vagina is flagged as helpful by your dad.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 14, 2021, 04:22:52 PM
Meanwhile your Dad's cock is misattributed on TripAdvisor as the location of 'The Buttress' described as 'a very steep climb indeed, but worth it for the views'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 14, 2021, 05:49:08 PM
Michael Heseltine "throws shade" at John Craven.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on April 14, 2021, 05:58:32 PM
Your cock explodes after sealing your meatus with UniBond in a B&Q car park.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 14, 2021, 06:00:10 PM
Meredith of St. Ives knits a doll out of old men's hair trimmings.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on April 14, 2021, 06:45:12 PM
Greggs dregs.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on April 15, 2021, 05:25:48 PM
Nick Clegg's Greggs dregs clog the bog.

A dirty handprint on a child's skull.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 15, 2021, 05:27:23 PM
"Its wonky neck confirms the random meaninglessness of Darwinian evolution!" cries Richard Dawkins, tossing a dissected giraffe into the midst of a load of toddlers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on April 15, 2021, 09:49:13 PM
114 dead after minivan containing Suede tribute act ploughs into orphanage.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 15, 2021, 09:51:27 PM
Stuart Maconie rage quits Manic Miner and chucks his 14" B&W Sanyo into the neighbours' flower bed in frustration.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: seepage on April 16, 2021, 12:14:12 PM
In order to continue playing Doom after my monitor blew up, in a rage I bought the only thing in Lasky's that had VGA & sound input - a 14" Sanyo. For £350.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 16, 2021, 12:33:57 PM
Your middle name Pustule begins to irk so you change this to Pustulation.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 16, 2021, 03:40:48 PM
Post-pandemic, there is a gathering of some Jeremy Clarkson fans. They all have their hilarious Clarkson masks on and do a group photo together on the steps of the stately home near Cheddar Gorge where the meeting has been arranged. Then they all split up awkwardly, some suggesting going to the pub for a pint and a chat about cars and others just going home. You notice an absolutely rotten fart smell lingering before you leave on you own.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 16, 2021, 05:54:11 PM
You are good at painting and get into Warhammer, well into Warhammer actually, your life revolves around it, but no wait, you have just painted 32,000 penis specimens, why have you done that then..
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 16, 2021, 07:08:09 PM
Your grief Councillor tricks you into thinking there's a duck called an R-Tard
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on April 17, 2021, 10:36:51 AM
A swollen swan swivels succinctly and thwacks you with it's thwing.

Fermented pigs holes don't sound that tempting but apparently it's delicacy in bumthorpes so you tuck in.

You blink at the sun, it seems to have gone all wrong, sure it's not meant to be purple. The sun grins at you and winks as your synapses fry and all your marbles spill out.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 17, 2021, 03:09:50 PM
A swollen swan swivels succinctly and thwacks you with it's thwing.

Heh!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on April 17, 2021, 04:10:56 PM
Yer da starts making memes:

(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/eziuvfuwgaumsfo-format-jpg-name-large-jpg.204717/)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 17, 2021, 07:35:03 PM
When the pandemic ends you celebrate by going to see a middle-age cabaret band perform the hits of Fleetwood Mac in a motel bar in Gloucester. The pints are warm and the food is made of something like chalk.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 18, 2021, 06:12:41 PM
Raymond of Hounslow has a massive nervous breakdown and throws out his entire collection of 20,000 ice lolly wrappers. He does get better after that, but it was a moment of desolation, I can tell you!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on April 19, 2021, 12:49:51 PM
Brian Conley‘s new stalker spends five days camped outside Bradley Walsh’s house, having followed the wrong man home from An Audience With Shane Richie.

Your unshaven daughter is the spit of Barry McGuigan, you complain to a bored prison psychologist.

1986: A passing Collin Welland guffs on your picnic.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 21, 2021, 04:47:39 PM
Pete of Glencoe gets a massive erection in the dentist's chair. Even the receptionist can see it through the open door.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on April 21, 2021, 05:26:26 PM
“Never meet your heroes.”  Tweets Malcolm, on the coach back from Minipopscon 2019



Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on April 21, 2021, 11:07:30 PM
A bee is choppes for making golden syrup.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 22, 2021, 08:48:05 AM
Skem scum skim scammed scones
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 22, 2021, 10:10:55 AM
Last of the Summer Wine cosplay.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 22, 2021, 04:34:48 PM
Last of the Summer Wine cosplay.

...ends in disaster as a pound-shop Compo’s bathtub whizzes down the hill and merges onto the southbound lane of the M42.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on April 22, 2021, 10:03:03 PM
They arrive to find you sprawled on blueprints. “I’m plotting my farts!” you shriek.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 22, 2021, 10:13:43 PM
You envy Stig of the Dump and call him 'one of the detached woke metropolitan elite who knows nothing about the real world'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 22, 2021, 10:14:40 PM
You daughter 'Arsenal Gaycum' (your choice not hers) runs over your leg in your stalker's jeep.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 22, 2021, 10:36:43 PM
A minor Reginald stuffs its face with whole wheat until his face turns mardy.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 23, 2021, 07:13:12 AM
You get an uncooked Charlie Bingham's AIDS Banquet in the face.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 23, 2021, 02:24:20 PM
Captain Tom Funko Pops.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 23, 2021, 02:26:42 PM
An Angela Merkel lookalike contest ends tragically when one of the judges murders one Merkel with a bratwurst.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on April 24, 2021, 12:04:02 AM
Pubes Daz gets promoted to assistant manager of a garden centre after his decision to sell tits poking out of gravel goes down a storm with the public.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 24, 2021, 06:13:51 AM
A budget variety show is cancelled at ITV in 1964, and "up an coming star" Tiggey Hawkins goes alcohol mental and enters oblivion.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on April 24, 2021, 02:40:18 PM
A GP born after the 'You Know When You've Been Tangoed' adverts peers at your painful testicles and says "no can do, chief"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 24, 2021, 07:35:37 PM
A day's orienteering around a grim precinct.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on April 25, 2021, 04:19:10 PM
A Jimmy Carr like, shit-bellow of a laugh caused by a series of Jokes on a Jim Davidson VHS.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 25, 2021, 07:49:44 PM
Harold of Cheshire is a "fan of rats".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 26, 2021, 06:32:46 AM
A racial supremacist organises a stamp collecting convention in Skegness.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on April 26, 2021, 03:48:07 PM
A 55 year old man unmutes himself in Zoom so he can type loudly into the chat.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 26, 2021, 04:55:16 PM
France turns into a giant kumquat and is declared a 'no-Clegg' zone, that's Peter Sallis' character Captain Clegg from vintage drama The Last Dregs of the Summertime Wine. Anyone who is Clegg who is attempting to enter the kumqaut will be shot on sight. "More news as it progresses," mumbled Jon Snow this afternoon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on April 26, 2021, 08:57:17 PM
Pato Banton is having a bath in your house when you come in from work. He leaves a pile of pubes in the plughole.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on April 26, 2021, 09:24:18 PM
Andre Rieu and his orchestra oompahing their way through all the favourites (live!) provides the soundtrack to your march to the death camp
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 27, 2021, 07:09:33 PM
Rancid cabbage is all I can offer for your post-covid 'victory dinner'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 28, 2021, 06:36:41 AM
Pete Waterman fires an assistant for bringing him a gone-off bottle of Benecol.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Rizla on April 28, 2021, 04:42:15 PM
A washing machine in a carpeted kitchen.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 28, 2021, 05:29:53 PM
A home made beef burger served between 2 slices of white bread.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 28, 2021, 05:40:39 PM
Recycled prison toilet paper Rizlas.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: seepage on April 28, 2021, 07:45:53 PM
A home made beef burger served between 2 slices of white bread.

Euphoria, surely?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 28, 2021, 09:20:27 PM
Euphoria, surely?

Reveal: the 'home made' beef burger is actually another slice of bread folded in half
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Rizla on April 29, 2021, 12:10:58 AM
Recycled prison toilet paper Rizlas.
The toilet paper from the recycled prison belongs to me?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 29, 2021, 07:41:02 AM
The toilet paper from the recycled prison belongs to me?

YES!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on April 29, 2021, 12:15:15 PM
A massive stroke grants you the speech patterns of Robert Peston.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 29, 2021, 04:37:16 PM
Your guide to Secret Northampton wins an award and several institutional investors say they are interested.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 29, 2021, 04:39:45 PM
Your zero salt stock cubes are branded 'vile' by tasters Jeremy Spake and Monique.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on April 29, 2021, 04:51:28 PM
Protestations that you know martial arts don't prevent you being cunted by a 12 year old armed with some rusty bike handlebars.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 29, 2021, 06:19:51 PM
Wetherspoons reopens and is named Restaurant of the Year.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 30, 2021, 05:51:39 PM
Your alter ego, a fleabitten ne'erdowell called Dogdon who gets special things called 'hard-ons' near flightless birds is now so close to your actual personality and existence that people are beginning to wonder where the character starts and the real man ends.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 30, 2021, 05:54:15 PM
Dogden, heh!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 30, 2021, 10:07:18 PM
An unemployed man stays in his bedroom to work on a Maximo Park / Linkin Park mashup.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on April 30, 2021, 10:53:46 PM
An unemployed man stays in his bedroom to work on a Maximo Park / Linkin Park mashup.

It turns out to be your dad.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 01, 2021, 10:11:40 AM
A child in Macclesfield is named Dogden of the Year.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 01, 2021, 12:54:24 PM
A child in Macclesfield is named Dogden of the Year.

Laughed

Dogdon though. V important.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 01, 2021, 04:19:09 PM
Laughed

Dogdon though. V important.

Oh yeah sorry. DESO.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on May 01, 2021, 05:10:24 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E0UFfCUXIAIUyBe?format=jpg&name=small)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 01, 2021, 05:13:15 PM
^What's the equivalent in cows, though?

Jimmy Carr continues forever, hooting and boring you on endless gameshows. And Russell Howard, Greg Davies etc.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 02, 2021, 12:17:29 PM
An man named Oberon lives next door an cuts his toenails loudly of an evenin'!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on May 02, 2021, 03:45:28 PM
Violently degloved seven minutes into cuntbeak-sitting a turbulent cockatoo.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 02, 2021, 09:42:45 PM
Peterborough is blighted by the worst fart smell in existence.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 04, 2021, 11:40:43 AM
A miniature Nick Ross is discovered inside a crushed pangolin.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 05, 2021, 01:01:45 AM
David Platt kills his neighbour and buries him in a windsock.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 05, 2021, 01:36:07 PM
The Witan votes that you, loyal medicine man and soothsayer be rechristened 'Druid McDruidface', a decision binding until the next folkmoot, scheduled for never.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 05, 2021, 01:40:52 PM
The Board of Deputies convene to denounce your expression at a Bar Mitzvah in 2008 as 'sullen'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on May 05, 2021, 02:58:25 PM
You're not even good enough to move to Stevenage
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on May 05, 2021, 04:59:18 PM
You're not even good enough to move to Stevenage

ouch!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on May 05, 2021, 05:00:20 PM
2 reduced battered cans of Diamond White in the Patchway Spa in Bristol. Been there 6 months with no takers...
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on May 06, 2021, 08:16:51 AM
Your dad volunteers to replace your broken alarm clock.

You eagerly take him up on his kind offer but regret it once you realise it means your dad punches you in the head every morning at 7 am shouting "WAKE UP YOU LAZY BASTARD!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on May 06, 2021, 10:09:54 AM
Administrative confusion leads to a barrel of Reggae Reggae sauce hosting Saturday Night Live.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 06, 2021, 12:10:39 PM
Tizzie Bumpkins reopens her Dorset salon at last, but the smell of rotten ammonia is unbearable, my love!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 06, 2021, 03:05:39 PM
The unexplained assets crime force come round to ask where you got your tooth from.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 06, 2021, 04:45:01 PM
A train door refuses to open until you 'repent'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 06, 2021, 04:45:58 PM
You truly believe that Nokia N-Gage are throwing a pool party  'in your honour'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on May 06, 2021, 05:35:54 PM
Missing out on a long straight in a game of Yahtzee is the reason you can't see your kids any more.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 06, 2021, 08:13:04 PM
A mouthful of burnt hazelnuts is the best your going to get for afters this evening.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on May 06, 2021, 10:23:55 PM
You have an arse age of eighty and a cock age of two.

The scope of your piles disqualifies you from the single occupancy council tax discount.

Your DIY colostomy kit arrives with Hungarian instructions and missing a clamp.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 06, 2021, 10:34:16 PM
I laughed
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on May 07, 2021, 01:52:11 AM
France turns into a giant kumquat and is declared a 'no-Clegg' zone, that's Peter Sallis' character Captain Clegg from vintage drama The Last Dregs of the Summertime Wine. Anyone who is Clegg who is attempting to enter the kumqaut will be shot on sight. "More news as it progresses," mumbled Jon Snow this afternoon.

Nick Clegg is accidentally shot while atempting to buy a Kumquat in Lidl.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 07, 2021, 07:10:46 AM
Nick Clegg is accidentally shot while atempting to buy a Kumquat in Lidl.

A nearby Farage smiles and says "I told you so."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 07, 2021, 11:04:00 AM
Angelina Jolie throws Jamie Redknapp into a canal in Oldham.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 07, 2021, 04:06:57 PM
Matt Baker is attacked by a rabid langoustine near Coventry.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on May 07, 2021, 10:04:26 PM
It's a Tuesday night in 2002 and you're in a nightclub, and everyone's copping off and you're just sat there in the middle of it all holding a warm Smirnoff Ice.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 07, 2021, 11:55:33 PM
You are passed fit to drive after telling an acorn your dog is Wednesday
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 08, 2021, 11:53:05 AM
In your head your toilet changes room every 5 seconds, and you dash around the maundy remnants of your flat like piss pacman.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on May 08, 2021, 01:35:38 PM
The BNP win the 2098 local elections by a landslide with their slogan "fuck off back to Venus you gaseous cunts".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on May 08, 2021, 09:41:50 PM
Off to the new DFS hyperstore to pick out a deathbed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on May 08, 2021, 10:19:07 PM
Your children are denied school places on account of them being fashioned out of your own turds. You complain to the council in big letters, writing the missive with smears taken from your children's heads. The council respond by sending round social services to flush your children down your own toilet.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on May 08, 2021, 11:03:00 PM
Your wake is held at an Ember Inns.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 10, 2021, 02:22:40 PM
A grim Tuesday brings with it icy weather, bad moods and the distinct aroma of fresh excrement!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on May 10, 2021, 03:07:13 PM
Blind drunk while celebrating coming first in a Rod Liddle lookalike contest, your wife topples over your dialysis machine. Happy Birthday!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Menyatta Zondatta on May 10, 2021, 04:10:31 PM
The teenager scanning your flowers at the co-op refers to you as 'down bad'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on May 10, 2021, 05:20:29 PM
Wig malfunction kills four.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on May 10, 2021, 05:30:53 PM
As a result of the government's free speech initiatives, you find it much easier to get your research on rat gaping peer-reviewed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 10, 2021, 07:22:49 PM
You are expelled from Scientists4EU after an ill advised cum tribute to Carole Cadwalladr.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 10, 2021, 11:19:23 PM
You lose all your pasty and bus money on new goblin crypto Golgcoin
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on May 10, 2021, 11:24:15 PM
You are expelled from Scientists4EU after an ill advised cum tribute to Carole Cadwalladr.

lol
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 10, 2021, 11:33:19 PM
Devlin of Staines lists his dating interests as 'loss'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 11, 2021, 09:04:22 PM
A middling David prepares himself for a career in finance and celebrates with a boiled egg.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Menyatta Zondatta on May 11, 2021, 09:42:58 PM
While you enjoy a night on the town, a Gillette hired thug breaks in and absconds with your offbrand razors, leaving you hairy and ashamed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 11, 2021, 11:13:09 PM
A bunch of Fyffes go rotten in a mildewy Bramley Co-Op.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on May 12, 2021, 07:09:29 AM
A close-to-retirement gazebo fitter aspires to becoming a hospice ghoul.

The discovery of an octopus in your boiler erodes your confidence in an underlying rational order.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on May 12, 2021, 09:54:13 AM
A two week guava binge finishes off what was left of your teeth.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 12, 2021, 11:19:19 AM
A greasy chip emporium gives arse looseness for a week.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on May 12, 2021, 01:49:06 PM
Your parents present you with a DNR form on your 12th birthday.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on May 12, 2021, 02:41:52 PM
A red kite keeps ripping people's eyes from their sockets somewhere near Dumfries and the RSPB are tasing anyone who tries to defend themselves.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 12, 2021, 02:57:26 PM
all you can dream about these days is eating a beetroot salad
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 12, 2021, 05:39:28 PM
Only 4 people attend your Lard Festival in Thurrock
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on May 12, 2021, 07:57:52 PM
You have an arse age of eighty and a cock age of two.


Have we met?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 12, 2021, 11:07:51 PM
Mike of Derby enjoys warm Strongbow and is obsessed with darts, by his own admission, "to a sexual degree."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on May 13, 2021, 04:43:42 PM
Two men argue at 4 am in the hallway of a Northern Irish block of flats over a box of warm dog shit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on May 13, 2021, 07:54:07 PM
Two men argue at 4 am in the hallway of a Northern Irish block of flats over a box of warm dog shit.

You are the person from the council that has to deal with it. It is your fourth time there this week.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on May 13, 2021, 10:18:51 PM
After your toddler gets into your cache of pills, you confess to your friends that you are 'between children at the moment'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 13, 2021, 10:39:48 PM
Your tombola of corns and calluses is impounded by the local authority.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 14, 2021, 01:10:48 AM
Ryvita is declared a delicacy in Hove.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 14, 2021, 08:48:13 AM
Egg and Salad Cream sandwiches, exclusively @your M&S


...drools Dervla Kirwan


...on one of your bespoke deepfake edits
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 14, 2021, 10:41:22 AM
Reginald's mould obsession leads him to be sectioned.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on May 14, 2021, 12:59:42 PM
A Peter Skellern tribute act tells people he’s “in it for the pussy”.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 14, 2021, 11:48:13 PM
Grotbags impersonator, Penzance.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 15, 2021, 11:38:19 AM
A hokey-cokey is so banal that no one turns around.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on May 15, 2021, 11:55:04 AM
Sunday dindins, and we gnaw all the compacted stuff off our lips while Jesus screams in the corner.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on May 15, 2021, 11:59:59 AM
Been twitching a lot since the brain-toad burst out of your skull. Wetly and flatly it flaps away. "You could've asked!?" you shout. flap. flop. hop. brain trail.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 15, 2021, 12:02:37 PM
A hokey-cokey is so banal that no one turns around.

Heh, nice.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on May 15, 2021, 12:07:48 PM
The peak of Golgotha and the bored armoured suit in charge says, "Sorry guys, actually, uhm, there's been a scheduling issue and the crucifixions will be tomorrow. If you could just... yeah. I mean thanks, thanks guys..."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on May 15, 2021, 12:14:56 PM
Ian's Spice habit only amplifies the endless echo of Steve Penk's pleasure grunts rattling through his brain meat.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 15, 2021, 03:08:51 PM
Ian Spice, of the abandoned Spice Boys pop group is discovered bagged and dessicated in a copse.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 15, 2021, 10:25:32 PM
The Bread Reenactment Society, who recreate scenes from Carla Lane sitcom Bread, break up for good after a particularly bad performance in Bootle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on May 16, 2021, 10:49:19 PM
You have an arse age of eighty and a cock age of two.

The scope of your piles disqualifies you from the single occupancy council tax discount.

Your DIY colostomy kit arrives with Hungarian instructions and missing a clamp.

Amazing salvo middle one espesh
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on May 16, 2021, 10:50:14 PM
Mike of Derby enjoys warm Strongbow and is obsessed with darts, by his own admission, "to a sexual degree."

Lovely phrasing
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 17, 2021, 02:08:52 PM
Lovely phrasing

Cheers PS!

A man challenging his local post office to stop selling "them nuisance fidget spinners" describes it as a "David vs Goliath" battle in the village pamphlet.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 17, 2021, 03:57:31 PM
You are so bunged up that they even call in the Royal Bungmaster, who arrives replete in ermine gown and livery collar polishing a dangerous looking brass implement and ordering his servants to begin the first step, a short ritual dance movement called 'The Hiss'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 17, 2021, 07:35:56 PM
As Kit Kat's #4 fan on Facebook for 15 years you win a Kit Kat
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 17, 2021, 07:48:07 PM
Jonathan Ross defecates into a McDonald's burger box during a lockdown-defying break in the South of France.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on May 18, 2021, 03:49:53 PM
Dyson's Home Colonic Irrigation range is recalled, but not before 15 cases of 'inversion' at a purge party near Lyme Regis.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on May 18, 2021, 05:19:55 PM
Your wife takes the “Kiss The Cook!” aprons in the divorce.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 18, 2021, 08:25:35 PM
Miserable mopey Monday!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on May 19, 2021, 03:18:08 PM
A Timmy Mallet completist suffers an epiphany.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 19, 2021, 03:49:39 PM
"I'm a scientist, not a human being!" protests Richard Dawkins, after saying of a child that "it is weak and ineffectual, and should not have been made."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on May 19, 2021, 07:43:18 PM
Ryvita is declared a delicacy in Hove.

Rylan is declared a delicacy in Hovel.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 19, 2021, 08:18:04 PM
As Kit Kat's #4 fan on Facebook for 15 years you win a Kit Kat

Classic
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 19, 2021, 11:44:59 PM
Mick from Gloucester rubs his itchy arse crack against a door frame.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 20, 2021, 11:19:28 AM
You take revenge on a wardrobe that bothered you in 2001
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on May 20, 2021, 06:42:42 PM
In his summing up, the judge declares you to be "An unmitigated nonce with the opinions of a halfwit and the face of a mother-strangler." Which is odd as you're sitting in the public gallery.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 20, 2021, 07:15:54 PM
Richard Dawkins describes Greta Thunberg as "one of the snowflake people. She'll probably want to become a man next. Or a Muslim."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: bgmnts on May 20, 2021, 07:18:29 PM
The Man in the Black trackies fled across the Covidian Wastes, and the Binslinger followed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 20, 2021, 07:23:52 PM
The Man in the Black trackies fled across the Covidian Wastes, and the Binslinger followed.

"You have forgotten the face of your Binmen."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on May 21, 2021, 03:30:18 PM
Bad news. It's locked-in syndrome but your only method of communication is now via frantic bumhole winking.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 21, 2021, 09:56:39 PM
Paul Gambaccini is sitting naked in his hotel room, videoing himself interviewing himself. He is in the middle of explaining why Chris Evans "is the greatest TV personality' of all time" when the whole affair comes to an abrupt conclusion thanks to Gambaccini sharting himself, liquid bolognese splatting onto the duvet around him.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: bgmnts on May 21, 2021, 10:51:00 PM
Finally getting to book a travelodge room for the night to have a really loud cry wank.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on May 22, 2021, 11:14:36 AM
Former Ladbrokes CEO took delivery car from Perth kebab shop during ‘moment of madness’ (https://www.thecourier.co.uk/fp/news/local/perth-kinross/2245819/former-ladbrokes-boss-took-delivery-car-from-perth-kebab-shop-during-moment-of-madness/)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 22, 2021, 09:11:30 PM
A Lerwick mayonnaise obsessive orgasms in a supermarket over a 50% extra Hellmann's offer.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 23, 2021, 01:58:03 PM
"I'm alright, Jack!" laughs Richard Dawkins, at a man who is having a nervous breakdown.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: bgmnts on May 23, 2021, 02:30:04 PM
Hologram of Captain Tom Moore opens the new corpse burning facility in Peterborough.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 23, 2021, 05:47:55 PM
Jarvis of Exeter has the world's biggest fruit salad wrapper collection.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on May 23, 2021, 06:15:12 PM
A child's drawing of Rag'n'Bone Man embarks on a Brighton coffee shop crawl. Shit everywhere.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on May 23, 2021, 08:15:34 PM
Richard Dawkins tells a Cenobite to grow up.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on May 23, 2021, 10:16:39 PM
You get reamed by a Jar Jar Binks figurine.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 25, 2021, 12:59:20 PM
A man from Bolton farts and says "Nation's favourite." just as Corrie is beginning.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 26, 2021, 03:11:37 PM
There is a missive left on your recent Grandad warning you to prepare to have your anal landscape reshaped.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 26, 2021, 09:12:19 PM
To Stirling now, where some hysterical geese have ransacked y'neighbour's glans region.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 26, 2021, 10:16:01 PM
Quote
To Stirling now

I enjoyed this nice little change in presentation 👍
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on May 27, 2021, 12:08:26 AM
On the way to bet on woodlice, you shit yourself so comprehensively that a police escort is provided for an abnormal load.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 27, 2021, 12:40:14 AM
Heh, v. good Twitty!

I enjoyed this nice little change in presentation 👍

Thanks S!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: chveik on May 27, 2021, 02:06:39 AM
Hologram of Captain Tom Moore opens the new corpse burning facility in Peterborough.

bumming surely?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on May 27, 2021, 10:36:42 AM
Kathy from accounts finds your profile on pisspigs dot com.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on May 27, 2021, 10:39:21 AM
The final question on Teletext's Bamboozle is Why do you even bother? and you don't even get that right.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 27, 2021, 01:04:24 PM
A celebration craft pale ale commemorating the annexation of Jerusalem is described as 'stunning' by a panel of Judges
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 27, 2021, 01:44:28 PM
An overweight molester invites you to his Dukes of Hazzard binge watch. "Plenty of lovely hard scones, mind me hands though, bit sweaty!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on May 27, 2021, 04:50:20 PM
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ “George Floyd The Musical is a triumph of satire over political correctness”—Daily Mail
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on May 27, 2021, 05:13:20 PM
^brilliant
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 27, 2021, 06:59:39 PM
A talentless Scatman John tribute act, Salford.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: seepage on May 28, 2021, 05:57:04 PM
Your email is now hosted by Sports Direct.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Mantle Retractor on May 28, 2021, 07:19:43 PM
Molly Ringwald is addicted to her phone

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/celebrity/molly-ringwald-is-addicted-to-her-phone/ar-AAKulu6?li=AAnZ9Ug (https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/celebrity/molly-ringwald-is-addicted-to-her-phone/ar-AAKulu6?li=AAnZ9Ug)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 28, 2021, 10:02:19 PM
Molly Ringwald is addicted to her phone

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/celebrity/molly-ringwald-is-addicted-to-her-phone/ar-AAKulu6?li=AAnZ9Ug (https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/celebrity/molly-ringwald-is-addicted-to-her-phone/ar-AAKulu6?li=AAnZ9Ug)

Emilio Estevez: I've been playing Fortnight for 16 hours a day.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on May 29, 2021, 06:58:26 PM
(https://i2-prod.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article24210474.ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/1_PAY-Kennedy-News-and-Media.jpg)

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-creates-beige-british-tapas-24210427?utm_source=twitter.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=sharebar
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 30, 2021, 02:58:10 AM
There is a man in Troon who goes by the name of Glenn Ballsack.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 30, 2021, 08:24:18 AM
And he comes by the name of Goober Gaban
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on May 30, 2021, 12:14:11 PM
(https://i2-prod.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article24210474.ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/1_PAY-Kennedy-News-and-Media.jpg)

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-creates-beige-british-tapas-24210427?utm_source=twitter.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=sharebar

The headline absolutely makes that. Brilliantly desolate.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 30, 2021, 01:00:45 PM
Jess of Humberside gets his belly trapped in a turnstile.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 30, 2021, 01:18:57 PM
Your agreed debt repayment plan is being administered by Legend Gary, who has been assigned your point of contact for all relevant correspondence.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on May 30, 2021, 03:47:30 PM
The headline absolutely makes that. Brilliantly desolate.

Twitter cropped out the 'British Tapas' sign which really adds to it imo.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on May 30, 2021, 10:46:30 PM
Your party trick is convincing people you're a paedophile. How is this done? You turn up.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 30, 2021, 10:59:55 PM
Going Sars mate gimme some fuckin Sars I wannae have Sars me full dose aye full Blown Sars back of a fucken caravan to your driving test invigilator.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on May 31, 2021, 01:31:19 AM
A Keeping Up Appearaces fan club is dissolved after its founder is convicted of murdering over 20 people.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 31, 2021, 10:50:54 AM
Your performance at work is described as 'really bad', your parenting is described by the council as 'really bad', your ratatouille is described as 'really bad', your breath is described as 'really bad', your financial state is described as 'parlous' (posh for 'really bad'), your dress sense is described as 'really bad' by a vagrant, your opinions are described by everyone as 'really bad', and you're in Warrington town centre dressed in potties purporting to be the replacement Cunt. You are placed in a van and moved.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on May 31, 2021, 03:44:29 PM
After getting stuck in a lift with Neil Warnock for seven hours, John's instant suicide button invention is granted an enthusiastic patent.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on May 31, 2021, 04:04:07 PM
30 year marriage binned due to a 'pervading atmosphere of wokeness'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on May 31, 2021, 05:46:51 PM
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/vfkyb9gpvf271-png.209180/)

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 01, 2021, 12:53:08 PM
Rinsing a tube of antacid tablets as they are so tasty then having your next shit in the following calendar year.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 01, 2021, 07:40:12 PM
Mouldy gristle f'suppa, all washed down with a nice pint of off-colour warm tap water!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on June 01, 2021, 07:53:27 PM
If you're quick you can still make it!!

(https://i.imgur.com/98jyDwD.png)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on June 01, 2021, 07:58:42 PM
If you're quick you can still make it!!

(https://i.imgur.com/98jyDwD.png)

The art of political humour with Lobotomy and Stroke.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 02, 2021, 07:08:17 PM
You lie about your box of hair loss treatment gels delivered to work by stating the contents are a Fleshlight and assorted botty tug peripherals.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on June 02, 2021, 08:05:29 PM
You lie about your box of hair loss treatment gels delivered to work by stating the contents are a Fleshlight and assorted botty tug peripherals.

Nobody believes it because of the rumour that a cleaner spotted you loading a fleshlight into the dishwasher after hours.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 03, 2021, 04:32:46 AM
Assorted used condoms decorate a layby close to Sheffield.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 03, 2021, 04:57:19 PM
A Stephen Baldwin convention is cancelled indefinitely.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on June 03, 2021, 11:03:38 PM
Micheal Gove downs a whole box of rennies next to an skip full of medical waste

Here we fucking go, he thinks
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 04, 2021, 12:10:22 AM
A Stockton-on-Tees nutter goes bananas for the Fruit-of-the-Loom brand.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 04, 2021, 06:12:52 AM
Mick Hucknall has a forest mowed down in preparation for Hucknall Manor.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on June 04, 2021, 08:46:32 AM
A 2037 woman finds herself struggling, unpaid, to market 'Heckin' Scrambled Eggos' as street food to posh bearded children half way through Boris Johnson's fourth landslide term.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 04, 2021, 09:57:47 AM
An incubus in brown pyjamas calls in your stapler debt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 05, 2021, 08:01:44 PM
After another concerning day in the shit and piss departments, you audit your benzo rations in a layby.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on June 05, 2021, 08:09:28 PM
A discarded anus lies dormant in a hedge.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 05, 2021, 09:01:24 PM
Your diseased aunt makes a pass at you in the family bear pit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on June 06, 2021, 03:01:03 PM
Much against everyone's advice, Len takes his smoker's purple legs to a Petworth cured meat convention.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 06, 2021, 04:13:46 PM
A shipping magnate buys Plumstead and turns it into a giant microwave.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on June 07, 2021, 12:01:32 PM
You give yourself a hernia moving a trunk of old wank journals.

Coma-wife is seeing someone behind your back.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on June 07, 2021, 12:02:19 PM
Your diseased aunt makes a pass at you in the family bear pit.

Yes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on June 07, 2021, 03:24:51 PM
"This is all make-believe, man up and do some bloody sums", Richard Dawkins shouts as he is escorted out of the library, leaving ripped copies of Middlemarch in his wake.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 07, 2021, 03:28:39 PM
After eviscerating The Silver Chair to his satisfaction, Richard Dawkins selects a new red marker from his armchair’s built-in supply and settles in for the evening with a jar of mincemeat and a copy of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 07, 2021, 04:31:06 PM
After eviscerating The Silver Chair to his satisfaction, Richard Dawkins selects a new red marker from his armchair’s built-in supply and settles in for the evening with a jar of mincemeat and a copy of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Heh!

Richard Dawkins interrupts a wedding to remind everyone that the euphoria of the day is "mere brain chemicals. Carry on."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on June 07, 2021, 07:23:11 PM
Fellow bus travellers are unmoved as you shout 'I told you this would happen!' while you get belted up the arse by a St Bernard.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 07, 2021, 07:44:26 PM
A thin gruel is served up to weary travellers at The Shite Fucked Hotel, Arbroath.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 07, 2021, 11:23:27 PM
If it wasn't bad enough to have waited til 22 to lose his milk cock, now Runcey's wisdom cock is growing in at the wrong angle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on June 08, 2021, 11:59:33 AM
Your arse is too big for you, but they don't accept returns.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on June 08, 2021, 05:28:54 PM
The doctors manage to get you resucitated and stable, but only to preserve your case of gout.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 08, 2021, 08:34:30 PM
A dowdy greengrocer's wife stuffs numerous rotten carrots down a stinking disposal tube.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 08, 2021, 09:00:12 PM
A spokesperson for the North Yorkshire Moors Railway said they were unable to provide any information.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on June 10, 2021, 08:54:34 AM
Captain Phobias at last discovers he isn't afraid of K cider.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 10, 2021, 03:06:36 PM
Your dad sends you a video titled 'dp in garage'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 10, 2021, 03:11:51 PM
Reginald of Suffolk counts his collection of old Marathon bar wrappers again before having a long and unsatisfying wank.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on June 11, 2021, 08:24:42 AM
You are employed in the Planning and Regeneration Service for Cornwall Council.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: ASFTSN on June 11, 2021, 09:14:43 AM
Your dentist tells you that your gums are receding from brushing too "angrily".

"Will it get worse?", you ask.

"Well it's certainly not going to get better, is it?", he sneers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: ASFTSN on June 11, 2021, 09:19:48 AM
After hearing it referenced in colloquialisms for years, you discover that 'the wazoo' is actually a real and uniquely pleasurable secret orifice that everyone has except you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 11, 2021, 10:34:18 AM
A twisted Gregory manhandles a corncrake in a most indifferent manner.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on June 11, 2021, 11:29:22 AM
Another case of life imitating (H.S.) Art as Jim Davidson publicly goes on record to say Gary Glitter should be allowed to start a new life outside prison:
https://t.co/8i056rm95E?amp=1
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 13, 2021, 08:02:56 AM
You regret forcing your pantry goblin to cosplay as Herod.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on June 13, 2021, 10:45:38 AM
A portly deputy ticket office manager hands himself in for treason after failing to teach his stick insect to curtsy during Trooping The Colour.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 13, 2021, 01:39:13 PM
Gerald of Coventry files for divorce when he discovers his wife is "not into Polo Mints like I am, me favourites!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 14, 2021, 12:10:30 AM
Bob Geldof goes to, Africa, Mali or whatever, and all of these starving seven year olds surround him and start calling him a Boomtown twat and telling him to give them his fucking money.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 14, 2021, 02:25:31 PM
Sterile business supplies shop with a Victorian atmosphere on a grim industrial estate.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 14, 2021, 03:58:34 PM
Your buttplug tells you that going up your arse is "degrading even for me".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 14, 2021, 05:31:38 PM
Andy McNab garottes a neighbour who dares to call him rhododendrons "flaccid."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 14, 2021, 07:27:51 PM
Your neighbours dog Isengard is drowned by some angry trees.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 15, 2021, 07:52:26 PM
A doleful Donal eviscerates a sewer rat during a miserable stay in Prestatyn.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on June 15, 2021, 09:27:51 PM
Your parentage is scrubbed off your birth certificate after VAR confirms your dad was offside.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 15, 2021, 10:39:08 PM
After 25 years of meditation in the hills of Bhutan, a bodhisattva joins the DUP and pledges to defend the integrity of the United Kingdom's borders for "blood and soil".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 15, 2021, 11:04:57 PM
Simon McCoy strangles a neighbour's chinchilla and blames it on his own son.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on June 15, 2021, 11:50:53 PM
Euro 2040: the tournament gets off with a bang as Goran Pandev shins home to give North Macedonia a 1-0 win over Vatican City in the Farmfoods Arena, Abu Dhabi.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on June 15, 2021, 11:54:22 PM
When I grow up Daddy I want to go and live in Rampton like you used to. Can you play the escape siren test on YouTube  again before you turn off my bedroom light please.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Kankurette on June 16, 2021, 08:10:06 AM
Sheffield Wednesday.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 16, 2021, 08:13:29 AM
You get cancelled on CaB.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on June 16, 2021, 02:23:29 PM
Your dream job as a Ponce Analyst for Ocado ends in clinical depression and weight gain.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on June 16, 2021, 03:44:23 PM
Your pillow-wife turns heads at the Harvest Festival.

DLT awakens with a screaming hangover in a cabin of a Norwegian fishing trawler. He is surrounded by empty gin bottles. The hairy cornflake is wearing a tuxedo but no trousers. Next to him in his berth is a dead seal in a wedding dress.
No no no. Not again.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 16, 2021, 04:03:19 PM
You develop the inability to maintain an erection unless listening to One by Metallica. Your partner assures you that this is fine because it’s “the best song”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 16, 2021, 04:45:15 PM
“Nonsense!” you cry in response to the breeder’s assertion that day-old chicks are notoriously difficult to sex, before plunging your tongue into the still yolky butt. Your damp lips crack a smile as you pull away and quietly, confidently, definitively announce “boy.”

6 months later, Graham proudly lays his first egg.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on June 16, 2021, 08:18:41 PM
A reaction gif of John Bishop becomes your best friend
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 16, 2021, 11:36:49 PM
Ramon Tikaram's Salt Bae is only released on VHS.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 17, 2021, 04:38:10 AM
A discounted Tenga egg is faulty, Grimsby.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Dannyhood91 on June 17, 2021, 06:32:26 PM
The ghost of Prince Phillip tells an orphan to “pull back the skin and wank it”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on June 17, 2021, 06:44:31 PM
When you order a half of bitter, the barkeep calls you an 'absolute salad'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 17, 2021, 10:01:26 PM
Terence McKenna sends your parrot an 'fmail'!?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on June 18, 2021, 10:09:27 AM
Your ringtone is the stark scream of a chair being angrily drawn across a cold kitchen floor by an uncle horrified with the state of the Sunday parsnips.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: shagatha crustie on June 18, 2021, 11:26:07 AM
A man in a suit on a train eating a banana gives an uncertain thumbs up to a group of kids who are laughing at him.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on June 18, 2021, 11:55:38 AM
To achieve spiritual liberation in the next life you have to emulate Noel Edmunds in this one.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 18, 2021, 11:56:28 AM
Richard Madeley finishes all over your back.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: shagatha crustie on June 18, 2021, 03:07:56 PM
Richard Madeley finishes all over your back.

And guffawingly jeers, 'old joke - don't finish on Debussy, finish on de Bach! Do you like classical music?'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on June 18, 2021, 03:45:09 PM
The shine is taken off your excellent showing in the family's Christmas game of Trivial Pursuits as your niece and nephew keep calling you "Encyclo-Paed"

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 18, 2021, 03:50:25 PM
Richard Madeley executed Shamima Begum himself.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on June 18, 2021, 06:57:32 PM
'Joe Biden launches a pastel boating trouser and moccasin charm offensive at his summer retreat' coos your free Guardian pamphlazine, as the Trump 2024 campaign steadily snowballs like an unstoppable boulder of gristle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 18, 2021, 07:02:16 PM
Belted up the arse at a Welcome Break by a dogger with oven chips in both hands, some on your back.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 18, 2021, 08:23:56 PM
And the sudden realisation that the “dogger” has got an evening pass from Judy.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on June 18, 2021, 10:32:16 PM
As you nose your car into a parking space at Ikea, Batley, your satnav announces "Your life's purpose has been fulfilled"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on June 19, 2021, 07:07:07 PM
Belted up the arse by a Dame Edna impersonator in Hastings. He won't believe you that she's not dead yet.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on June 19, 2021, 08:41:12 PM
You have to go dogging with your mum because she won't go alone.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on June 19, 2021, 10:00:07 PM
Your Deliveroo pot of cum is jammed through your letterbox due to targets.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on June 20, 2021, 04:45:34 AM
Your Deliveroo pot of cum is jammed through your letterbox due to targets.

v nice
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 20, 2021, 07:14:08 AM
Nana Mouskouri fucks a Müller Light across the aisle of a Tesco in a fit of rage.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 20, 2021, 12:13:39 PM
Belted up the arse by the world's biggest living fan of Frankie Valli in what he keeps calling 'the culmination' as he drools snuff juice on your hairy tits.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 20, 2021, 01:42:44 PM
Graham Norton slams his Jag into the side of a Ford Cortina in a fit of road rage. Exiting the vehicle, he pulls the unfortunate driver out and subjects him to the kind of language that would make a road worker blush, before getting back in the car, driving over the man's head and doing 80mph up to Glasgow screaming "I WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE SOME COMMON PLEB!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: I.D. Smith on June 20, 2021, 04:29:22 PM
Saint and Greavsie mod for Skyrim is too much for your 2012 Alienware to handle, and it finally bricks, leaving you sitting in darkness, alone on a Friday night for the millionth time.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 22, 2021, 10:29:35 AM
You start shouting about Magna Carta when your last meal request of smack barm & pea wet is denied. You're still wanging on about "we will sell to no man, we will not deny or defer to any man" and "all men of whatever condition whatsoever" as the lever is thrown.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 22, 2021, 04:01:52 PM
A dentist tells you you are the ugliest, fang-toothed fuck he has ever had the displeasure to perform root canal on. After ponying up half your life savings to pay for the work, you grump home in the rain, all soaky and miserable!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 22, 2021, 05:00:08 PM
The “Shit Yourself Thin!” campaign gets off to a roaring start.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 22, 2021, 05:03:15 PM
Saint and Greavsie mod for Skyrim is too much for your 2012 Alienware to handle, and it finally bricks, leaving you sitting in darkness, alone on a Friday night for the millionth time.

Laughed
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 22, 2021, 05:04:48 PM
Belted up the arse by the band Black Grape. By the time they have finished they have performed all their material, but twice so it actually resembles a real band.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 22, 2021, 05:32:39 PM
David Baddiel sets up a Wix site to host his reviews of probiotic yoghurt drinks, but abandons it after eleven posts total over a seven year period.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on June 22, 2021, 07:33:52 PM
Even golden retrievers hate you, surveys reveal.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 22, 2021, 07:55:49 PM
Ian Brown starts hassling a tramp in Ecclesfield.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on June 23, 2021, 02:43:00 AM
Belted up the arse by Harriet Harman wielding a grave-raped femur stolen from Thora Hird's burial mound.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 24, 2021, 07:12:16 PM
Richard Blaine from Woking buys a trenchcoat and fedora before flying to Casablanca and booking an hour with Mohandas, a local 13 year old prostitute.

The arrest happens at the exact moment Rick believes he is sounding far cooler than in reality as he says “here’s looking at your anus, kid”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 24, 2021, 07:18:28 PM
Belted up the minge for seven minutes by an EasyJet purser with the self-bestowed nickname “Abracadabra Alan”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on June 24, 2021, 07:59:54 PM
Bitumen cum spurt, incubated tar child, Lidl inky cot, manhole grave riddance, repeat, repeat, repeat.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 24, 2021, 08:48:44 PM
By the time you have been belted up the arse for fourteen hours, you move to pick yourself up. Nothing. It occurs to you you have become a pile of sweaty, belted ashes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 24, 2021, 09:07:46 PM
After nine weeks and arguments, you and your partner compromise with “SargonOfAzkaban” as the name for your firstborn.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 25, 2021, 01:30:54 PM
Your life partner has placed a mug in the centre of the mat, not in one of the corners like you like it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 25, 2021, 01:38:25 PM
After nine weeks and arguments, you and your partner compromise with “SargonOfAzkaban” as the name for your firstborn.

Laughed
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on June 25, 2021, 04:26:49 PM
Sectioned for no longer enjoying memes
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on June 25, 2021, 04:49:43 PM
Belted up the arse by Bill Oddie for two days solid, but you take solace in the fact that he does indeed smell of bran flakes (among other things).
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 25, 2021, 04:55:18 PM
You go to the pub with some girlfriends and pantomime some weighing scales hovering in the balance; demonstrated by your left hand, a six-figure salary, and, by your right, the obligation to do snogs with Hancock. You decide that the ends justify the means.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 25, 2021, 07:52:53 PM
You spend two months working on an absolutely fantastic photoshop thing that gets completely ignored on CaB. You then post a rant and get banned from the forum, before joining again under the username GluttonforPunishment. GluttonforPunishment is then banned for describing the forum as "an insidious hive of ne'er-do-wells and phimotic bum-obsessives."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on June 25, 2021, 10:55:07 PM
A dismal tortoise is softly buggered to death in its sleep.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 26, 2021, 08:48:07 AM
You have your floor lowered, underlights are fitted along with subwoofer sound system, decals, Flowmaster exhaust, spoiler, in order that you 'attract the honeyz'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 26, 2021, 02:06:47 PM
Your erectile dysfunction starts a Twitter account.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 26, 2021, 03:43:53 PM
Belted up the arse by PJ while Duncan tugs himself rotten.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on June 26, 2021, 05:38:42 PM
I don't know, it's just not working out and I'd like to, y'know explore other, umm, opportunities...

says your gaming console ahhhhhh
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: seepage on June 26, 2021, 06:00:07 PM
You have your floor lowered, underlights are fitted along with subwoofer sound system, decals, Flowmaster exhaust, spoiler, in order that you 'attract the honeyz'.

And the decals pronounce you to be "The Lovehunter" [an old work colleague].
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 26, 2021, 06:45:28 PM
Refinancing the Volvo to buy the rights to a stage production of Original Pirate Material.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 26, 2021, 08:29:06 PM
Martin of Dumfries eats a raw pizza and watches the blank telly screen, as he can neither be bothered to cook nor switch on telly. "Best Saturday in years, though!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 26, 2021, 08:42:35 PM
You shit in a wok.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 26, 2021, 08:55:26 PM
You shit in a wok.

John Torode "getting harsher".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 26, 2021, 09:20:35 PM
Your insistence on being supplied with scalloped crackers leads to the death of 16 wayfarers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 26, 2021, 09:25:24 PM
(https://img.gifglobe.com/grabs/partridgecloud/S01E05/gif/0r8W7fZV4ldE.gif)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 26, 2021, 10:59:55 PM
Against the pained begging of friends and loved ones, Elton upends the rest of the bottle and starts on I’m Still Standin’.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 26, 2021, 11:21:27 PM
Against the pained begging of friends and loved ones, Elton upends the rest of the bottle and starts on I’m Still Standin’.

That sounds less desolate, more wonderful. Try again.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 26, 2021, 11:35:23 PM
A malingering Norbert slams a conger eel against a sideboard in frustration.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 26, 2021, 11:37:44 PM
"God money, I'll do anything for you
God money, just tell me what you want me to
God money, belt me up arse up against the wall"

Is the lyric that makes the album.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 27, 2021, 01:09:27 AM
That sounds less desolate, more wonderful. Try again.

I’ll remind you of this.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NCLagU-dr9A

Think on.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 27, 2021, 10:06:53 AM
I’ll remind you of this.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NCLagU-dr9A

Think on.

Yes, it’s wonderful. What’s your point?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 27, 2021, 11:20:18 AM
Your musical taste is warmly compared to that of touchingcloth.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 27, 2021, 11:35:30 AM
You wake up and discover that you have become Ferris overnight.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 27, 2021, 11:56:01 AM
a box ticking exercise results in an accidental tracheotomy
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 27, 2021, 01:50:26 PM
In 2017, your recently-widowed grandfather tries to have a discussion with you about gabber.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 27, 2021, 02:35:33 PM
A family called the Runcibles move in next door and cause chaos an havoc.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on June 27, 2021, 04:57:12 PM
As his cranium sloshes with blood and rivulets of vomit stream down his cheeks and into his eyes, Greg begins to question the wisdom of his all day "dancing on the ceiling" charity challenge.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 28, 2021, 04:34:17 PM
Your nearest woodland trail features a noticeboard advertising local flora and fauna including the 'Eurasian Paedo'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 28, 2021, 05:56:26 PM
Bill Maher starts a holy war.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on June 28, 2021, 08:18:34 PM
You arrive later than planned at the Arsehole Remnant Event, and end up paying over the odds for one that's been all the way around 'D' wing.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 29, 2021, 01:00:36 AM
After your death, a commemorative Nik Nak is produced.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 29, 2021, 01:17:17 AM
Huge bags of old mince are sold at half price on the web.

A toolbox has got a lovely flat in the north.

You accidentally and completely void yourself in a library.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 29, 2021, 12:25:33 PM
You encounter one of the Eurasian Paedos mentioned on the previous page, while on your woodland trail walk. It is shit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 29, 2021, 03:59:12 PM
An anus describes you as "a pitiless individual, a cold-hearted monster," to a local newspaper. You subsequently have to go into hiding. Dissed by an anus.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 29, 2021, 06:02:57 PM
Dissed by an anus.

Real Life consider and carry through with rewrite.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 29, 2021, 06:14:27 PM
John from Tyneside gaffa tapes a plethora of pups to a telegraph pole.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: seepage on June 29, 2021, 07:42:30 PM
Pathfinder: Paedomaker
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on June 29, 2021, 08:59:54 PM
A giant superimposition of Matt Hancock's smiling head pops up at your window before slowly moving away.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on June 29, 2021, 09:41:28 PM
A family member smugly informs you they happen to live in “the safest lib dem seat in the country”[1].
 1. this genuinely just happened to me
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on June 29, 2021, 11:43:01 PM
Geppetto whittles a set of tits onto you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 01, 2021, 09:21:16 AM
Your mum announces that she is a 'Slave 2 Da Rhythm'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 01, 2021, 11:48:10 AM
Tim Henman lies back, wanks, a little whisper of cum flies into the depression of his belly button.

"Come on, Tim," he whispers.

(https://i.imgur.com/lIyLgKj.png)

"Come on, Tim."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on July 01, 2021, 03:09:20 PM
Interrupted mid way through a rage fuelled rant at your boss by yourself sneezing, which just makes you look daft.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 01, 2021, 10:23:44 PM
You enter end of life negotiations (end of your life) with a contest with a wan looking steeplejack over who can say bouillon in the most Gallic way. The loser must be deleted.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on July 02, 2021, 11:19:43 AM
Severn Trent's overly familiar emails calling you a "watery hero" just for not dragging out a paddling pool full of pre-cum onto the patio or personally going round Somalia smashing up drinking wells.

Ooh someone's been having a few cheeky ice lollies! x x x Your water supplier (that's right *blushes* we're yours)

A plumber arrives for cuddles. He drinks all of your gold leaf cappuccino Yazoo. A marble quartz string quartet parps "Theme from Captain Pugwash" night and day.

Your toilet blocks, a wedding gown is found stuffed in the U-bend. MARRY US, BABE on the card when Greggs delivers a pork loaf reservoir filled with banana go-gurt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: chveik on July 02, 2021, 12:06:55 PM
A family member smugly informs you they happen to live in “the safest lib dem seat in the country”[1].
 1. this genuinely just happened to me

lovely
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on July 02, 2021, 12:49:48 PM
The restraining order on your sperm donor expires just as he sprays your hallway through the cat flap.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 03, 2021, 08:49:19 AM
Your yearbook from Fuck Sake School For Boys at Belsen-upon-Dearne is used, scrap by scrap, to mop up an overflowing piss trough in a Welcome Break.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 03, 2021, 10:59:22 AM
An episode SNL is hosted by Jackie Weaver.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 03, 2021, 02:38:23 PM
After lodging an accessibility enquiry, MadCatz controllers customer services ask whether you are 'head mental or body mental'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 03, 2021, 05:00:02 PM
'No trans or snowflakes' sign on your local butcher's door.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 03, 2021, 08:48:46 PM
On the reprint of Das Kapital, Marx pulls a Caitlin Moran face.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on July 03, 2021, 11:01:50 PM
GAZPROM is the last word you ever see
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 04, 2021, 12:27:22 AM
'No trans or snowflakes' sign on your local butcher's door.

But hang on... You are the local butcher.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 04, 2021, 11:33:40 AM
The Archangel Gabriel gets in touch to call you a Barry Bomb-out adding that you have 3 days to get it the fuck together.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 04, 2021, 04:23:33 PM
The voice in your head telling you to spread syphilis to dozens of people stops and is replaced by one telling you to run for Labour councillor.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on July 04, 2021, 06:23:42 PM
A Help For Heroes hoodie "worn by Lady Di" receives record bids on eBay.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 04, 2021, 08:06:20 PM
The four people in front of you doing DJ requests all want Advertising Space by Robbie Williams, which is also what you want.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 04, 2021, 08:10:51 PM
The four people in front of you doing DJ requests all want Advertising Space by Robbie Williams, which is also what you want.

Laughed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 04, 2021, 10:31:44 PM
A mithering Mike serves warm ales at his pub, The Fecund Squirrel in Gloucester.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 04, 2021, 10:46:09 PM
You try and launch a lawsuit about planned obsolescence against God dealing with your erectile dysfunction.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 05, 2021, 10:38:59 AM
To afford funerals by 2030 people have to sell ad space on their grave site. Yours is currently being used to market pile cream. It could be worse though, you think, I could be buried alive.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 05, 2021, 10:57:58 AM
House party to celebrate the 1994 UK launch of Doritos
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on July 05, 2021, 11:12:25 AM
A piece of racist graffiti is made a Grade II* listed building.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 06, 2021, 12:21:37 AM
The dormitory finally empties and Harry Potter fucks a Boglin.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 06, 2021, 11:09:09 AM
An oily roustabout mocks you for having never eaten a Mr Kipling cake.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on July 06, 2021, 01:12:22 PM
Harry Potter discovers to his chagrin that he cannot issue a restraining order against an obsessive jism filled Boglin and are there fuck any spells.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 06, 2021, 03:40:43 PM
'It's not rape when they know it's about to happen, only when you take someone by surprise'

Your aunt after raping you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 06, 2021, 04:23:28 PM
Hermione tells Harry that though she’s “a fair witch for my age, for the eighth and final time there’s nothing I can do with a gunged Boglin.”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 06, 2021, 05:06:01 PM
A Boglin
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 06, 2021, 06:37:33 PM
The dormitory finally empties and the Boglin fucks a Harry Potter.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 06, 2021, 07:46:58 PM
An existential despair creeps during a particularly soggy day.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 06, 2021, 08:39:37 PM
You wake up, and begin to dress. But your socks feel…different. Heavier. Not just heavier, but out-and-out heavy.

Why are my socks heavy? Why are my god damn socks so god damn heavy?

And then you remember. Of course they’re heavy; they’re heavy with your cum.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 07, 2021, 07:51:24 AM
An existential despair creeps during a particularly soggy day.

In Boglin kingdom
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on July 07, 2021, 08:01:28 AM
Lemuel Gulliver wakes up and finds himself on an island where the inhabitants are slightly taller than average. "Fuck's sake," he mutters, tutting and sighing.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 07, 2021, 12:13:39 PM
Bemusement all round at the opening of Alfreton's new soft play centre as special guest and ribbon cutter Dannii Minogue keeps insisting everyone learns of her 'bulging rager of a clitoris right now'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on July 07, 2021, 12:26:00 PM
Poundcoin Darren's DJ set overruns by 5 minutes at the annual Cotgrave mineshaft rave.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on July 07, 2021, 12:45:27 PM
The afterlife is password-protected.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on July 07, 2021, 04:50:44 PM
All 300 copies of Darren's samizdat porn magazine are confiscated by customs for not meeting the requisite quality standards.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on July 07, 2021, 05:25:37 PM
You find out you were co-written by Ed Sheeran.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 07, 2021, 07:32:06 PM
Belted up the arse by Ted Hankey with his sweaty plastic bats and cape scattered around you as he consigns your tract to oblivion.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Fishfinger on July 08, 2021, 01:01:35 AM
A few hours into your corpse and the maggots are kind of thinking, dunno, feel like I'm disrespecting myself a bit. Is it just me or could we do a bit better? There is broad agreement.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 08, 2021, 01:21:18 AM
Everyone else in the pub nips outside for a cigarette and a cheeky laugh (at your expense).
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on July 08, 2021, 01:43:28 AM
"Ditch the face-nappy, libtard. Be a real man and admit that oxygen is a Jewish scam promoted by the mass media. We didn't believe in breathing in my day and we didn't have any of these so-called diseases." Your family all insist grandad has a point.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on July 08, 2021, 03:43:18 AM
You live a life of torment so unimaginably painful that the Pet Shop Boys are moved to make a rock opera about it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on July 08, 2021, 12:15:43 PM
You sweat the bed leaving a perfect sweaty silhouette of Garfield.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on July 08, 2021, 02:45:33 PM
Your six year old daughter gives you cigarette burns for drinking all the calpol.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 08, 2021, 02:51:24 PM
The umbilical cord is still attached as the midwife leans into your gory ear to whisper “nonce”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Zetetic on July 08, 2021, 05:12:34 PM
"I recently worked with Fight Club: PRO, a Wolverhampton based wrestling company to develop their first official website."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Smeraldina Rima on July 08, 2021, 05:32:32 PM
"That's supposed to be the best pro wrestling in the country. I was planning to go."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 08, 2021, 05:46:34 PM
In Ibiza, Jon looks crestfallen after he receives a lukewarm response to his usual “how much your maidenhead” come on.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 08, 2021, 07:35:39 PM
An amateur dramatics group do their take on Keeping Up Appearances during a rain storm in Hull.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 09, 2021, 01:43:42 PM
While singing “oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine” you realise that you’re actually up to your nuts in a satsuma. Idiot.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on July 10, 2021, 02:01:44 AM
Listening to Soccer Superstar by Jess Conrad on a loop, imagining it mixed into/out of World In Motion and thinking actually it's not that worse in quality.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on July 10, 2021, 02:06:53 AM
Jess Conrad sings "you pass the ball or dribble past your man" to himself as he dribbles spunk on the carpet.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on July 10, 2021, 02:14:46 AM
Kieth Allen sees the above posts and kidnaps John Barnes forcing him to croon/rap a mashup cover of both songs for Eng-er-land.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on July 10, 2021, 02:19:55 AM
An over zealous lost media preservations, outraged at the censoring of history, tries to edit Jimmy Savile back into the Is This The Way To Amarillo video, using AI. Due to a horrible techno misunderstanding the offical version permanently on youtube & all music telly, is still with Peter Kay but all the clebs are replaced by deep fake Mr. Jingle Jangles.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 10, 2021, 11:32:10 AM
The ornamental spine on your Dad's gimp's hemipenis makes it 2-1 to Portugal.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 10, 2021, 04:33:59 PM
A misunderstanding means that instead of House of Pain, your forehead tattoo reads Goose of Pain.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on July 11, 2021, 01:27:29 AM
A dad tries to monetize his children's farts
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 11, 2021, 01:34:45 AM
You sweat the bed leaving a perfect sweaty silhouette of Garfield.

Brilliant
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 11, 2021, 01:38:32 AM
You go to use the wheelbarrow, but recoil in shock immediately

The handles, and also, you realise the whole barrow is piping hot. blisters begin to form on your hands.

You hear a discordant giggling from behind a Bush
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 11, 2021, 02:10:57 AM
Bobby Davro’s Crematorium gets five stars on Yelp.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on July 11, 2021, 04:42:29 PM
Competent at your job but you know deep down there's never going to be a promotion and your true calling is bringing hamsters off.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on July 11, 2021, 06:44:31 PM
Your Ford Probe that you have been polishing every week with pride without fail since 1998 is stolen. Not because its worth having, the thieves just wanted to do it because they know its going to hurt you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on July 12, 2021, 02:08:38 PM
The Bakerloo Line is closed due to ghosts.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on July 12, 2021, 05:52:25 PM
Try the new, hot & spicy "Delta Variant" from Domino's today - just £12.99 when you order a Chicken Side!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 12, 2021, 09:12:26 PM
When DJ Pied Piper arrives at your Grans funeral to announce that "we're lovin it lovin it lovin it!' the vicar completes the call and response "we're lovin it like thaaat-ah! "

You don't actually start to cry until the Ayia Napa bit though because it reminds you of a dwarf you totalled with a moped.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on July 13, 2021, 09:42:50 AM
You give up hitchhiking after a 6 hour journey in the company of Tom Bombadil
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 15, 2021, 02:24:04 PM
Towards the end of a frankly lukewarm date you prepare your main boast to turn the tide of events:

"If you wish, I can send you a CD-ROM with over 5000 pictures of old beer coasters."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 15, 2021, 02:26:56 PM
“I have an extensive collection of Parker pens.”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 15, 2021, 05:29:16 PM
A recidivist molester extends his free rental agreement from the confines of your head to the boundaries of your property.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 15, 2021, 11:32:04 PM
You do wanks to the cummies song.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 17, 2021, 06:27:03 PM
The beach is full of cunts.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 17, 2021, 06:35:34 PM
You go to the pub every Wednesday to do Forever in Blue Jeans on the karaoke.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on July 18, 2021, 12:48:11 PM
Your 'Save our Seas' t-shirt is made from 100% organic, unbleached cotton, in a factory fully powered by renewable energy, by Bangladeshi slaves.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on July 18, 2021, 11:13:46 PM
You die of gonorrhoea in a bucket of sick.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on July 19, 2021, 10:40:09 AM
"...it's been wanked to the size of a bookie's pencil... Ah, Mrs Trowbridge, you'll be wanting an update on your husband's condition"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on July 19, 2021, 12:36:44 PM
You are asked to leave a CAMRA meeting for boring people.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on July 19, 2021, 05:03:03 PM
Your surgeon hooks your innards to your cheeks, so that you salivate diarrhoea into your mouth.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 19, 2021, 06:09:28 PM
You are asked to leave a CAMRA meeting for boring people.

Every CAMRA meeting is for boring people? They’re the only ones that join in the first place.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 19, 2021, 06:11:17 PM
Your arse buys shares in a failing drainpipe company.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 19, 2021, 06:25:36 PM
Belted up the arse by an obstruction and hindrances surveyor, this is his technique of removing hindrances, you are the obstruction and the hindrance and you will soon have been rectified.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 19, 2021, 06:34:01 PM
You win a paint bucket full of sheep cum and it's collection only from Grondon in Layer-de-la-Haye.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: shagatha crustie on July 19, 2021, 06:45:40 PM
You are worked to death setting up Facebook ads for a struggling Laser Quest in Hove.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 19, 2021, 06:51:01 PM
The Gyles Brandreth fan club folds when it's sole member looses interest.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on July 19, 2021, 10:07:34 PM
You realise people are staring at you in embarrassment and disbelief when you begin to eat your After Eight with a knife and fork, like mother taught you to.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 19, 2021, 10:27:04 PM
Sargon of Akkad is denied a bank loan by someone he characterises as an 'establishment Remoaner'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 19, 2021, 10:28:42 PM
Belted up the arse by an ombudsman cosplaying as a Boglin.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 19, 2021, 10:44:54 PM
Financial or legal ombudsman?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 19, 2021, 10:45:36 PM
Financial or legal ombudsman?

Financial
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: shagatha crustie on July 20, 2021, 08:25:28 AM
You develop a sentient crust on your feet that hisses at you in the night.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: shagatha crustie on July 20, 2021, 08:31:00 AM
You are informed via Microsoft Teams that you are to be executed by firing squad.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 20, 2021, 09:26:51 AM
Mother's Ashes in Sports Direct Mug
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on July 20, 2021, 09:58:07 AM
Dad's funeral at a Toby Carvery
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 20, 2021, 10:36:27 AM
A VHS copy of About Schmidt is the only serviceable wanking material in your bunker.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 20, 2021, 12:41:58 PM
You are complimented by the paramedic on the selection of drugs he has pumped out of your stomach
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: shagatha crustie on July 20, 2021, 01:34:19 PM
You regress utterly and are now capable only of sucking pease pudding and angel delight from a surrogate plastic teat.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: shagatha crustie on July 20, 2021, 01:45:49 PM
A disagreement breaks out on a forum dedicated to the uploading of 'spousal bumhole winking' vids. As the admin, you are required to mediate.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 20, 2021, 01:59:46 PM
You are called upon to manhandle and restrain a sweating Barry of the docks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 20, 2021, 02:18:49 PM
A lamprey starts arguing with a bloke about the past fiscal year.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: drummersaredeaf on July 20, 2021, 05:16:10 PM
You want to adjust your anus but you only have metric allen keys.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 20, 2021, 07:52:50 PM
You get a Commonwealth war grave in the face. You understand, right? There's a Commonwealth war grave and it has gone right into your face.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 20, 2021, 07:53:18 PM
You make a wank over a stick figure with tits you drew on the back of a jaffa cakes box last for four hours.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: seepage on July 20, 2021, 08:41:02 PM
Cancelled by Just Eat. Next time and you're out.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on July 20, 2021, 08:54:46 PM
Costa closed for a few minutes so it wouldn't have to deliver me a muffin.

Mystery ubereats deliveries of corner shop fags & booze from a phantom Londis.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 20, 2021, 09:11:15 PM
Greasy Nerys makes way for a vomit spew courtesy of Lech Lennie.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 21, 2021, 12:40:51 AM
Greggs gets bought up by Londis

It's called

Grondis
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 21, 2021, 12:44:47 AM
Greggs gets bought up by Londis

It's called

Grondis

Vegan sausage roll

3.75
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on July 21, 2021, 11:50:17 AM
Your genitals are conscripted to fight in a pointless war.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 21, 2021, 02:18:17 PM
Belted up the arse by your own 3d print creation 'Stonehelm The Great'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on July 21, 2021, 05:29:23 PM
In your crown court trial you continually refer to Justice Baines as "Bainsey", and say several times that your heroin was 'foil wrapped for freshness' while grinning at the jury and giving the thumbs up. 3 years chokey but worth it for the bants.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on July 21, 2021, 06:27:02 PM
Belted up the arse to the theme tune of the Dogtanian cartoon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 21, 2021, 06:47:26 PM
Belted up the arse to the theme tune of the Dogtanian cartoon.

True deso!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 21, 2021, 08:42:41 PM
Your mother is 'dragged kicking and screaming' into a soft play centre, where she is then repeatedly forced to boing on all of the inflatables and make parping sounds like a whoopee cushion to the hollers and shrieks of a gang of dwarven bikers who have tethered her using hooks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on July 21, 2021, 09:57:45 PM
The local Avon Lad comes round with "a fuckton of bird stuff"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 21, 2021, 10:22:39 PM
Perfunctory sponge birthday cake decorated with image uploaded from web is of girl on drip in ward, now with 14 lit candles impaled in her icing body. She expires en route to extinguishing the flames.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 21, 2021, 10:33:02 PM
Belted up the arse to the theme tune of the Dogtanian cartoon.

Someone one on here imagined being belted up the arse by someone wearing these

(http://www.sonicgear.org/UKPages/UK%20Photos/UKAccessories/sonicknucklesBoots.jpg)

And I don't know if that mental image will ever leave me now
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 21, 2021, 10:34:55 PM
Your neighbour tells you to come round to his for a barbecue as he has a "cuntload of sausage and no fridge"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 21, 2021, 10:49:11 PM
Some good ones on this page
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 21, 2021, 10:51:22 PM
Saracen the gladiator abuses your trust to leave a bleeding goat in your lockup
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 21, 2021, 10:53:21 PM
Belted up the arse by Eurasia's premiere termite breeder. He has a scuttling way about him but a violent thrusting desire.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on July 21, 2021, 11:20:58 PM
A drunken Craig David approaches your front door, but bottles it before he can complete a Knock Door Run.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on July 22, 2021, 02:52:18 AM
Leaving a wank sock out in the sun to dry out only it doesn’t dry out it ferments. A passing goat eats the spunk wine soaked sock gets drunk wanders into the road and causes a major pile up with many fatalities. An autopsy on the goat reveals the source of intoxication and the Vet who did the operation, your mum, goes to the papers and says it was the socks she gave you for Christmas.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 22, 2021, 06:40:51 AM
A drunken sober Craig David approaches your front door, but bottles it before he can complete a Knock Door Run.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 22, 2021, 12:38:59 PM
You are rendered void, such is the power of the rendering, you fly up your own arsehole becoming a singularity, in a petrol station Greggs.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 22, 2021, 02:05:15 PM
You catch a lethal dose of COVID while attending an inadequately socially distanced screening of a directors cut of Mrs. Brown’s Boys D’Movie. Your last words before leaving for the showing were “if I get COVID I get COVID so”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on July 22, 2021, 05:55:45 PM
Belted up the arse to the theme tune of the Dogtanian cartoon.

Pounded in the butt by your Chuck Tingle/Dogtanian slash fiction.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on July 22, 2021, 07:11:26 PM
Someone one on here imagined being belted up the arse by someone wearing these

(http://www.sonicgear.org/UKPages/UK%20Photos/UKAccessories/sonicknucklesBoots.jpg)

And I don't know if that mental image will ever leave me now

*shudders*

Imagine getting sonic and knuckled after being belted?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on July 22, 2021, 08:35:14 PM
A negative Norris slams his glans into the edge of The Best of Engelbert Humperdinck as it spins on the turntable.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 23, 2021, 12:26:32 PM
You become disillusioned with the latest content from the Boglin Cinematic Universe.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on July 23, 2021, 09:18:32 PM
https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/pasta_chips (https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/pasta_chips)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 23, 2021, 09:55:33 PM
Please let that be the end of it
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 23, 2021, 11:41:23 PM
Huddled together for worms.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on July 25, 2021, 08:55:42 PM
Toppled by a moron felled by a dickhead who was lamped by a man with 'legitimate concerns'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on July 30, 2021, 10:46:26 AM
You set a world record for the number of burning copies of The Guinness Book of World Records accurately hurled at disabled and immobile children in 2 minutes. A life's dream fulfilled.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on July 30, 2021, 12:15:47 PM
You fed a Polo mint to Robert Smith and now he’s followed you home.



Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on July 30, 2021, 12:41:15 PM
https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2021/jul/30/goblincore-fashion-trend-embraces-chaos-dirt-mud
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on July 30, 2021, 01:22:49 PM
You take legal action against the makers of The Littlest Hobo on the basis that you have a littler Hobo. It's littler because you have removed its tail and ears. And its face, actually. You've left the legs on so that it can get about, thereby fulfilling the definition of 'hobo', otherwise they'd be off too.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 31, 2021, 09:03:17 AM
Your first confirmed gig with cover band 'BDI' at Stockport Toilets happens to coincide with the 10th anniversary of your tenure as lead singer.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on July 31, 2021, 04:36:17 PM
Mixed results from your visit to the fortune teller.

"For you I see great future, very great future. Your anus, all is lost"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on July 31, 2021, 08:30:57 PM
Belted up the arse by a franchised Blobby
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 02, 2021, 12:08:37 AM
You call your newborn triplets Paddock, Sperm Bank and Boglin Boglin Boglin Boglin.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 02, 2021, 12:16:54 AM
Pube sandwich but the cheese is cold.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 02, 2021, 12:41:03 AM
Pube sandwich but the cheese is cold.

The best way. You don’t want to be yelping “id’s hodder dan de pube sun” while trying to keep the pubes in your mouth, do you?

Though I bet you do, Ferris, you dirty old bollocks, I bet you fucking do.

Normal people don’t want this.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 02, 2021, 06:35:11 PM
You find out you are being mothballed in 3 weeks but can't work out what to do in the meantime.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on August 02, 2021, 11:13:56 PM
Belted up the cockhole by Christopher Lillicrap
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on August 03, 2021, 12:18:47 AM
Matthew Wanker of Mablethorpe skipping down the M2 and giggling emphatically.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on August 03, 2021, 06:34:51 PM
You're picked as recipient of the world's first papier-mâché arse transplant.  Well, not 'picked' as such.  It's a Supreme Court order.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on August 03, 2021, 07:23:00 PM
Your running playlist is just listening to PornHub videos on shuffle
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pink Gregory on August 03, 2021, 09:26:32 PM
A flying ant glances your kneecap and causes irreperable damage
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 03, 2021, 10:15:26 PM
2nd out of the 5 Banbury Munters.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on August 04, 2021, 12:14:59 AM
“Maybe if it’s classed as boyslaughter it’ll be less time,” muses an errant dad, after accidentally punting his 4 year old into a river.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 04, 2021, 12:24:00 AM
I brought this wine after it was recommended on Saturday Kitchen.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on August 04, 2021, 08:42:09 AM
a chagrinned Usher wearing only a rhinestone posing pouch and pair of cheap seaside pier sunglasses trying to find his way way to Timbaland's studio but the woods are pitch black and his 2008 air-dunk Jordans can't find any purchase on the wet asphalt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on August 04, 2021, 09:48:17 AM
From within a giant rolling dialysis wheel, a nonagenarian dust apostrophe asks her robot carer if she can "bang a pint of fent" into her shit arm
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on August 04, 2021, 09:56:48 AM
An anus with a Qui-Gon Jinn action figure poking out of it receives 1 vote in the North Evington by-election.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on August 04, 2021, 03:04:25 PM
Having a man-crush on Sir Kier Starmer.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Pink Gregory on August 04, 2021, 08:10:35 PM
2nd out of the 5 Banbury Munters.

You ride a horse cock to Banbury Cross
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 04, 2021, 10:29:10 PM
You are conclusively bested at a roundabout by a Welsh, your least favourite of the races.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 04, 2021, 11:03:16 PM
Boglinner emerges from his lair to cast gender-reveal fart spells at toilet queues.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 05, 2021, 10:13:39 PM
Ron Howard says “get your lugs round this” before putting Metallica’s One on while he crimps your arse beard in the LEM.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on August 06, 2021, 01:43:42 PM
Sir Jimmy Saville is posthumously re-awarded his knighthood and OBE following a hugely popular public campaign led by the Daily Mail that insisted he was "a victim of woke culture".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on August 06, 2021, 10:30:56 PM
Alan's terrible wait for the consultant is finally over.

"Well Alan, I have some good news, we can save the left testicle"

"And...(gulp), the other..?"

"Well, I'm afraid we will have to remove the other one"

"No. Not...not Graham!!!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 06, 2021, 10:41:14 PM
Your degloved penis is offered a presenting slot on GB News.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 06, 2021, 11:06:11 PM
You take your Grandmother to a Hooters and end up breaking her jaw in a disagreement about who of the waitresses is fittest.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 07, 2021, 09:03:27 AM
Your name translates to 'Cruel of Town' so the French all laugh at you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 07, 2021, 09:09:03 AM
You arrive for your cognitive behaviour sessions, and walk to the front desk to find the therapist shitting bare arsed into a styrofoam cup.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on August 07, 2021, 10:39:01 AM
You're trying to play Fifa 2014 and your bloody wife just wants to celebrate your 20th wedding anniversary.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on August 07, 2021, 12:03:14 PM
You market yourself as a 'human festival toilet'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 07, 2021, 10:50:51 PM
Best man is JACK POT from JACK POT & TOM BOLA
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on August 07, 2021, 11:45:24 PM
The last surviving group of Djibouti francolins are assaulted by some EDL pondscum, who chuck empty Carling cans at them and tell them to "piss off back to Iraq you egg-laying bastards".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 08, 2021, 10:30:37 AM
You are assigned Boglin at birth.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 08, 2021, 02:19:08 PM
Your mate Charlie gets a trampoline and a pie, whereas you get a tuberculosis and Neil Morrisseys 101 Greatest Goals DVD
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on August 08, 2021, 03:24:44 PM
You go home because of a caterpillar.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 08, 2021, 10:05:43 PM
During the consultation where your diagnosis of sickle cell anaemia is delivered, the doctor repeatedly tells you that it’s due to a problem with your haemoboglins.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 08, 2021, 10:08:16 PM
You are assigned two weeks worth of trigonometry homework to be completed during your summer holiday in the Seychelles. While everyone else is out enjoying themselves you must spend every waking hour doing the boring maths in your stuffy hotel room.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 08, 2021, 10:10:25 PM
The results of the test arrive in the post: your fuck-boglin has gone full blown.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 08, 2021, 10:11:47 PM
You are assigned two weeks worth of trigonometry homework to be completed during your summer holiday in the Seychelles at birth.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 08, 2021, 10:13:36 PM
Laughing.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on August 08, 2021, 10:41:08 PM
You had assumed your Grindr date's stated preference for goryholes was a typo. Apparently not.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 08, 2021, 11:06:53 PM
They’re all goryholes by the time I’ve finished with them.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on August 09, 2021, 04:55:15 AM
The copyright holder of boglins sues CAB for libel.

We collectively lose, the judge does a Hatey Kopkins and kicks us all out our houses and lets all the boglins move in.
They're squealing, and rolling, and squelching about, flicking peas about the place, snogging your auntie and swinging from the curtain rails.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 09, 2021, 09:06:25 AM
Your collection of recovered used toilet paper that THE GREAT ONE, the MAN, the FUCKING TITS OF ALL TIME* used to sanitise his bottom is starting to reek out the hot desking area where you are temporarily living.

*Graham Linehan

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on August 09, 2021, 09:44:57 AM
A fart itches a haemorrhoid but briefly
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 09, 2021, 12:14:04 PM
During the Only Fools 50th anniversary show, a decrepit Del Boy falls through the bar but a jaded Trigger forgets to make a face.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 09, 2021, 01:30:48 PM
You are called a 'neighbourhood colostomy' by two people in the space of the same paper round
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on August 09, 2021, 02:00:49 PM
Vince lays a massive cable next to a well in a Nigerian village that doesn't have adequate sanitation, cackling as he drives away.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on August 10, 2021, 02:52:34 AM
An 11 year old named simply Clegg, born and christened in the hopeful early days of the coalition government, is finally euthanized.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on August 10, 2021, 02:58:19 AM
Your dad asks for a bump of ket "to level himself out" at gran's funeral.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on August 10, 2021, 06:44:52 PM
Your brother Rolf is happy to help out with your childcare needs, but only on Saturdays ok?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 10, 2021, 09:13:35 PM
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-58150699

Peak

(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/10D9A/production/_119881096_9ee7b626-6c76-4d35-ac32-6232bc8de96d.jpg)

The punches keep on coming

Quote
According to the Guinness World Records, the current oldest male boxer is Albert Hughes Jr, who was 70 years and 234 days old when he fought in Indianapolis on 14 December 2019.

Mr Hughes died before he was officially confirmed as the world record holder.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on August 11, 2021, 09:54:16 AM
Terry Lugworm muffs his landing and spitfires all over June's tit-strip
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on August 11, 2021, 09:55:18 AM
The chemo chancellor for Hull Proper greets you with a cheery "ey yeh monner fuckin booty bass depressing fred dibnah cheesy chips pie in a ditch"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on August 11, 2021, 09:59:29 AM
A moribund yorkshire porcupine queefs out a branch of undigested brie.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 11, 2021, 10:02:06 AM
A child molestor is introduced to you as "a fantastic man, he really is".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on August 11, 2021, 10:08:19 AM
Following a cabinet reshuffle, Michael Gove is announced as Renegade Master, with overall responsibility for ill behaviour.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 11, 2021, 10:14:09 AM
The Tamperer Feat. Maya loses Maya in some fog, so has to recruit a replacement member and perform under the new act The Tamperer Feat. Brian Barwick.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on August 11, 2021, 10:16:37 AM
Shoezone kek discipline and compulsory toilet training workshop, presented by Cheryl Tweedy
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 11, 2021, 10:26:46 AM
Carole Malone's opinions lure you onto some rocks, destroying your ship and crew.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on August 11, 2021, 10:31:16 AM
You are paid an aglet for your service to the millipaed vigilantes of West Ashby
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on August 11, 2021, 11:12:35 AM
In your wedding day speech your describe your spouse as a "scrawny beastfuck", eliciting nods of approval and envy from the guests.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 12, 2021, 01:24:11 AM
Your musical career is compared favourably to the Pigeon Detectives.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on August 12, 2021, 06:45:46 PM
Fin-domed by Alan Hansen.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 12, 2021, 07:10:33 PM
After your best anecdote falls flat, you are asked to leave a dinner party hosted by Vanessa Feltz.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on August 12, 2021, 07:44:56 PM
Your musical career is compared favourably to the Pigeon Detectives.

You are in a Pigeon Detectives tribute band.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 13, 2021, 09:32:22 AM
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions comes around an announces they are going to give your mum 'all the girth'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 13, 2021, 11:31:58 AM
You decide to holiday at Pontins Prestatyn because of their corporate stance against Irish Travellers. Whilst there you discover that the only passable wanking material you can download quickly enough to not lose your erection are records in Hansard of upskirting debates. You cum yourself dry on this newfound motherlode of grot, then head to the bar to tell Nige that all gypsies are slags, before forcing your phone beneath the skirt of a 6 year old. It is not until you return to your room that you realise that Nokia 3310s don't suit your needs. Few more tugs over Hansard and you head over to Phones4U to ask about the best cheapest phone with a camera that can work upside down in the dark. 3AM on Sunday morning by the time you arrive, so you just kip in the doorway until it opens, at which point a security guard stamps your guts into the pavement calling you hobo filth in a mockney accent. There is no funeral.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 15, 2021, 09:47:40 PM
Dick and Dom in da bungalow belting you up da arse while eating haslet off of your back.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on August 15, 2021, 11:28:53 PM
“He’s my therapist. I’m paying him. It doesn’t matter,” you mutter as you jet shit out of your arse at his head.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 16, 2021, 01:15:00 PM
John Torode and Greg Wallace are in your kitchen teaching your mum how to do the urban hand motion thing and laughing.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 19, 2021, 08:21:16 AM
Your pub Pornhub is picketed by the Marxist left.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 19, 2021, 09:19:15 AM
Your sister has been sighted in the High Weald neighing, stealing sandwich fillings, damaging fences, quarreling with palfreymen, yet it is you the police are searching for with gun-mounted helicopters.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 19, 2021, 01:13:37 PM
Liza and Jimmy hatch the doomed guerilla self-promotional concept of stealing both “S”s on the outside of Starbucks.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 20, 2021, 04:52:02 PM
It's been a hard week trying to find ways of bridging porcine epidemic diarrhoea virus from pigs to prostitutes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 20, 2021, 04:55:31 PM
Your elaborate Jimmy Tarbuck gag fails, to the surprise of no one.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on August 21, 2021, 12:13:09 PM
You are denied entry to a persons only jumble sale.

Joylessly throat-fucked behind the cafeteria bins by a workplace Colin.

Your new wife reacts badly to your attempt to play off your affair with her daughter as ‘bants’.


Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 21, 2021, 07:47:28 PM
You were belted up the arse by an ettin called PAEDWRAITH
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 22, 2021, 09:15:01 AM
You have the moniker 'Sane' attached before your forename, and even the census people seem to be using it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on August 22, 2021, 09:24:13 AM
Big Chives sends some henchmen round to incinerate your herb garden and rough up your flowerbeds.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 22, 2021, 10:57:22 AM
Fuck you, you’re not a hero, you didn’t stand up for Skyrim: Ultimate Edition.”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 22, 2021, 09:03:26 PM
Your 'Win The Future' Kevin Starmer pillowcase has arrived!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on August 22, 2021, 09:12:05 PM
The Gerontocark Institute informs you your GranDa is due “an absolute cunting.”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on August 22, 2021, 09:22:48 PM
Your wedding reading is field recordings of Alabama slaves recalling the arduous tanning process.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on August 22, 2021, 09:24:22 PM
Your life is overtaken by a man who calls himself “Frank Ovens.”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 22, 2021, 09:53:04 PM
Frank Ovens has taken my wife. Frank Ovens has taken my children. Frank Ovens has taken my ovens.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 22, 2021, 10:23:15 PM
Belted up the ovens by Frank Ovens
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on August 22, 2021, 11:33:25 PM
Your anus begins hosting evenings of whist.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on August 22, 2021, 11:35:13 PM
The course of your life takes an ill turn, owning to some flaccid callipers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 23, 2021, 10:51:08 AM
After a two hour long personality test the careers path software recommends you become a Slopwretch.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: shagatha crustie on August 23, 2021, 03:20:16 PM
You find a disturbing 'Easter egg' in the 'pregnancy' segment of an online workplace DSE training course.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on August 23, 2021, 07:01:02 PM
Quote
Just made a guy shag a tin of cold beans. It’s good to be back.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 23, 2021, 08:09:47 PM
A grim cloud passes over you during a depression spell.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on August 24, 2021, 04:24:41 PM
The local parish newsletter reviews your son's school nativity play as 'Muppet Babies for cunts'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on August 24, 2021, 04:26:42 PM
Your wife comes home from hospital with a long rubbery baby called Bungle The Perv.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Greg Torso on August 24, 2021, 04:27:43 PM
Bath Time Elvis blocks all your plug holes with greasy rhinestones.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 24, 2021, 04:41:04 PM
Sitting in a bath of beans raising money to raise money for Help the Heroes and your wife throws in a toaster on an extension lead.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 24, 2021, 08:45:34 PM
Turpin Gangle of Grimsby completes his Wotsit bag collection.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 24, 2021, 09:12:49 PM
Sitting in a bath of beans raising money to raise money for Help the Heroes and your wife throws in a toaster on an extension lead.

... It's a genuine attempt to cook the beans
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 25, 2021, 07:12:54 AM
"Has anyone fuck been ter the moon", your father opines from a zero-g commode capsule on Mimas.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 25, 2021, 12:59:19 PM
A court grants conservatorship over you to a stranger called 'Dobson The Belter'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on August 25, 2021, 01:02:36 PM
A letter in Wednesday’s post informs you that you are now banned from Wagamamas (reason not given).
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on August 25, 2021, 01:27:33 PM
You are forced to issue a product recall on your faeces.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on August 25, 2021, 04:35:54 PM
Your arse seems you unsuitable for ownership.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on August 26, 2021, 02:08:13 PM
Forced to become a 'gland ambassador' for an intimidating man in your local Aldi
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on August 26, 2021, 02:58:24 PM
Someone injects botulism into your Rustler's burger and you don't care because it improves the taste.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on August 26, 2021, 11:47:40 PM
The local parish newsletter reviews your son's school nativity play as 'Muppet Babies for cunts'.

and gets a straight to video x-rated 'parody' as Muppet cunts for babies.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on August 27, 2021, 09:00:34 AM
Using one of your Simon Bates scrapbooks to fix a wobble on the nightstand next to your deathbed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on August 27, 2021, 02:08:18 PM
During the ultrasound, your unborn child - it’s the size of a grapefruit - calls you a horrific Boglin and asks for an abortion.

During your next ultrasound, your unborn twins - cantaloupe-sized - are furiously belting each other up the arse.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: seepage on August 28, 2021, 07:56:03 AM
Your girlfriend arrives for dinner just as you discover the tin of baked beans that was going to form a key element of the meal has got those funny little sausages in.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chicory on August 29, 2021, 06:40:44 PM
The 26th of March.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: WhoMe on August 30, 2021, 08:38:33 PM
Grandma notices her shy grandson hasn't deposited the cheque she sent last month for his birthday. After a quick phone call and some words of encouragement he promises to do it the next day.



(https://metro.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/47272331-0-image-m-18_1630306383353.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&zoom=1&resize=480%2C270)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 31, 2021, 01:26:41 PM
You are convinced your stalled career, lack of success with women and groinal acne is due to the Kerryman.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 02, 2021, 09:55:15 PM
You are compelled by dint of execution to Alan Smithee your directorial debut porno.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: madhair60 on September 03, 2021, 08:48:29 AM
Opening the app to track your cab only to see the little taxi icon speeding away from your position
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on September 03, 2021, 09:10:25 AM
An 11 year old named Simply Clegg, born and christened in the hopeful early days of the coalition government, is finally euthanized.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on September 03, 2021, 09:14:53 AM
You are denied entry to a persons only jumble sale.

Best one in ages
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 04, 2021, 02:14:34 AM
A third go on the village defibrillator fails to bung your heart back to life.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 04, 2021, 08:32:55 AM
Reminiscing about your glory days as a council leaf blower amidst a beetle colony in Dedham Vale.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 05, 2021, 10:45:44 AM
Noddy gets tasered in Rothbury.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 06, 2021, 11:01:19 PM
You dance teacher says your hips are belsen
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 06, 2021, 11:10:45 PM
During the ultrasound, your unborn child - it’s the size of a grapefruit - calls you a horrific Boglin and asks for an abortion.

During your next ultrasound, your unborn twins - cantaloupe-sized - are furiously belting each other up the arse.

We laughed loudly
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 07, 2021, 12:19:35 AM
Gal Gadot rams a badger twixt two hedgerows.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 07, 2021, 06:49:03 PM
You are convinced that you are a bad chef because 'the ingredients all hate me'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 07, 2021, 10:32:16 PM
Hale & Pace return with a series, theme tune by Coldplay.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on September 08, 2021, 12:56:12 PM
Hale & Pace return with a series, theme tune by Coldplay.

Ouch! Sad piano. Peak deso.

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 08, 2021, 10:07:55 PM
Your card in the phone booth advertises “all the trimmings” with your handjobs.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 09, 2021, 12:23:29 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E-zke9eXoAElELM?format=jpg&name=medium)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on September 09, 2021, 01:44:04 PM
You live in a phone box to prevent your kids growing up wrong.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on September 09, 2021, 01:46:28 PM
While jacking off you make your family some scrambled eggs
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on September 09, 2021, 01:47:05 PM
Your separated-at-birth, conjoined twin makes sex faces at you through a vent.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on September 09, 2021, 01:49:06 PM
A paedophile in a Bisto t-shirt turns your children into granules.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 09, 2021, 06:09:39 PM
The scrambled eggs you serve your young family are actually jizz curds. Again.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 09, 2021, 10:03:14 PM
You are such a hideous child yet mutantly desirous of cock. You have to pay paedophiles to go anywhere near you. 11 no-shows and the next 4 turn around and leave on arrival.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 10, 2021, 01:44:42 PM
Boddarth of Glossop has the infamous 'wankers cramp' despite being a limbless birth defect.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 10, 2021, 01:46:19 PM
You believe 'wankers crap' is a thing and say to your friends in the café that 'it's like that crap you do when you're wanking' to disbelief and long stares.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 10, 2021, 02:59:24 PM
Your wife organises a seance to contact whatever it was she once saw in you.

New opportunities arise at work. A lie comes back to bite you. You end the week shagging a vagina made from a hollowed out tin of corned beef.
- Capricorn
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 10, 2021, 07:35:01 PM
You receive a court order after “barraging” Jamie Oliver with emails claiming to have cooked all of his 30 minute meals in 29 minutes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on September 12, 2021, 03:43:22 PM
you sort through shoeboxes full of your old audio cassettes and realize the only things worth salvaging are four Chick Tracts you find stuck between an old Friday Night Rock Show recording and a NWOBHM mixtape.

(https://i.imgur.com/uIJMivP.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on September 12, 2021, 04:59:58 PM
Molly's humanity is "horribly effective" like "radiotherapy" or "John Terry" according to her tarot.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on September 12, 2021, 11:20:15 PM
You find that your dad was a heavy metal porn star in “Enter Cuntman”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 13, 2021, 07:39:21 AM
Your attempt to seize control of a Trossach ends in a phone box puddle in Basingstoke.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shameless Custard on September 13, 2021, 11:21:55 AM
Bobby Davro leaves the GMTV studios drunker than when he arrived

It's 8.07
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 13, 2021, 05:44:28 PM
A turbid Boglin ragequits fatherhood
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on September 13, 2021, 07:06:03 PM
You make a loss selling bottles of your fermented spunk at CumCon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on September 16, 2021, 10:18:35 AM
https://youtu.be/sfiCmHIfUKs (https://youtu.be/sfiCmHIfUKs)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 16, 2021, 01:26:36 PM
A tree falls on Alain de Botton in the woods, but you wisely elect not to hear it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 16, 2021, 02:03:11 PM
The most responded-to piece in the Daily Mail this year is your letter about how "you can't say 'Chinese whispers' any more in case it offends Bob Harris".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 17, 2021, 01:45:24 PM
You explain mid-coitus the difference between a pelican and a toucan crossing, both of which are visible from the abandoned car park.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on September 17, 2021, 07:19:22 PM
At death's door at the age of 48, Pat finally notices that saying "I shouldn't be having this" is not the same as not actually having it.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 18, 2021, 12:31:05 AM
Finally out of ideas, the producers option Borat for Phase XXII of the MCU.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 18, 2021, 12:57:45 AM
You delay an important trip to the doctors by convincing yourself it's 'not unheard of for  people to cum rust'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 18, 2021, 01:33:54 AM
I Have No Arse And I Must Shit.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 18, 2021, 09:48:13 AM
Absolutely gutted because your child's funeral clashes with a Robert Rinder meet and greet you had tickets for, you explain to Robert Rinder.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 18, 2021, 10:09:03 PM
Made up by the loss of a friends father

"That's him out of the way"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on September 18, 2021, 10:43:43 PM
You go on holiday to South Georgia in order to mope. The ensuing damage drives eight endangered ragworts and mosses into extinction.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 18, 2021, 11:05:13 PM
After investing your life savings in property, your child in the local school system, and a significant sum at the local university to complete a graduate degree, your mum turns up and describes your new home city as “quite nice, a bit like Plymouth”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on September 18, 2021, 11:36:55 PM
(https://imgur.com/NKud7JJ.png)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 19, 2021, 11:11:05 AM
Your FOI request to the Forestry Commission yields a printout of a review of Theydon Bois

"Such dildplay."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Kankurette on September 19, 2021, 12:09:41 PM
Everton.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on September 21, 2021, 06:21:08 PM
Steve Lamacq is at the football (his local non-league side), listening to the Kaiser Chiefs in one ear, wearing a Franz Ferdinand t-shirt and making a list of non-league goalies who used to be in bands on his phone while 'supping' on a pint of 'ale', causing all vaginas in a 5 mile radius to dry up. When he gets home he finds his wife has left him for someone who works at Radio 3, puts on By the Time I Get To Phoenix, and settles down to work on his spreadsheet of Supergrass anecdotes.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on September 23, 2021, 10:25:22 AM
Lauren buys Steve a Next Home voucher for their anniversary. He buys her the same. They laugh, then go there.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 23, 2021, 11:24:36 AM
A thirty year sentence as head of Quality Assessment for Channel 5.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on September 23, 2021, 08:50:42 PM
Being the person forced to hide in the computer and draw all the weird pictures people keep typing in, unable to complain/demand more money as you're stuck pretending to be an ai, just having to constantly churn out a consent flow of blurry porn inexplicably involving prog rock, 80s light entertainers, 90s comedy peeps and labour politicians.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on September 24, 2021, 10:34:20 PM
A group of lads designates a mutual acquaintance 'The Professor'
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: madhair60 on September 25, 2021, 12:25:51 AM
You try to change the channel to Babestation Blue but unfortunately have programmed your universal remote control incorrectly, and instead switch off your father's pacemaker
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 25, 2021, 01:52:24 AM
Steve Lamacq is at the football (his local non-league side), listening to the Kaiser Chiefs in one ear, wearing a Franz Ferdinand t-shirt and making a list of non-league goalies who used to be in bands on his phone while 'supping' on a pint of 'ale', causing all vaginas in a 5 mile radius to dry up. When he gets home he finds his wife has left him for someone who works at Radio 3, puts on By the Time I Get To Phoenix, and settles down to work on his spreadsheet of Supergrass anecdotes.

I think I speak for my vagina when I say “sopping”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 25, 2021, 04:16:18 AM
A cold egg sandwich goes begging in a miserable dustman's holdall.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 25, 2021, 10:03:44 AM
One of your performance targets at work for the next quarter is 'Stop having one leg slightly shorter than the other'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on September 25, 2021, 10:08:24 AM
A former Soviet republic bans blinking 'for a laugh'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on September 25, 2021, 10:41:41 AM
Your wife divorces you, citing "twattery in bed".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on September 25, 2021, 10:45:07 AM
A midwife loses her job for asking a newborn baby if it fancies going for a drink later.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on September 25, 2021, 10:46:35 AM
Promoted to "assistant to the chief in charge of buying Twix multipacks for the office earwig".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on September 25, 2021, 10:48:58 AM
A letter from the council announcing they are flushing the cemeteries and you have five working days to collect your dead.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on September 25, 2021, 10:50:44 AM
A wasp stuck on a crossword puzzle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 25, 2021, 11:00:59 AM
Cornered in a service station on the A38, a Roy “Chubby” Brown impersonator has no choice but to listen to your homebrewed routines.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on September 25, 2021, 12:17:15 PM
You have to tell your work coach that you lost your last job because you couldn't get your cumshots on target.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 25, 2021, 01:29:23 PM
Donal of Leeds collects bar codes. Yes, BAR CODES.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 25, 2021, 01:54:24 PM
Can’t get past the captcha on your dialysis machine.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 25, 2021, 02:59:29 PM
Can’t get past the captcha on your dialysis machine.

Splendid
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 25, 2021, 08:32:23 PM
You watch a VHS of Dunston Checks In instead of going to a smashing party.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 25, 2021, 09:49:58 PM
Gerard Talbot, Certified Heavy Cummer from Killorglin wins The Rose of Tralee.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 25, 2021, 09:53:54 PM
You cum on a microscope slide and spend an evening naming all of the sperm.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 25, 2021, 09:55:49 PM
Belted up the arse by Ronaldo CR7. 
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on September 26, 2021, 12:16:32 AM
Going on holiday to Uruguay to be closer to your Fray Bentos
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 26, 2021, 07:32:17 AM
You are newly consecrated as a heritage version of yourself and have to tour the country performing all your great one liners and standout moments of your life. These are limited to sharting your school shorts and shouting 'watch it!' at a bin man.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 26, 2021, 07:36:19 AM
You describe your wife in the wedding speech as a 'flattened oval or worm-like animal'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 26, 2021, 11:39:46 AM
Colin of Stabvest, MA picks a penny up, and all the day he has trenchfoot.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 26, 2021, 12:01:59 PM
"It's great to be able to go to the pub again!"

But the barman has a maggot ridden zombified face.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 26, 2021, 12:58:49 PM
Your mother dies in a run of the mill yachting accident.

Local nuisance Micky Buttons smears himself on your sundial.



Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 26, 2021, 01:28:16 PM
Your treasured 'Best Hanging Baskets 2011' framed certificate is used for moving a turd slightly further away.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on September 26, 2021, 01:34:22 PM
A miser with a sweet tooth only becomes friends with diabetic widows to get at the sugar in their piss.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 26, 2021, 01:38:52 PM
Greg of Cheshire can't decide whether to go hiking at 4AM in the freezing rain or stay at home and count his Wagon Wheel collection. Again.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 26, 2021, 01:56:05 PM
A miser with a sweet tooth only becomes friends with diabetic widows to get at the sugar in their piss.

Very good
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on September 26, 2021, 02:00:56 PM
The free Nestlé calendar you picked up at a breakfast cereal convention has an entry on May 3rd for 'National African Baby Milk Day'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 26, 2021, 02:03:02 PM
Alan Davies bites Sandy Toksvig's ears off during a live broadcast QI. Yes, both of them.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on September 26, 2021, 11:49:10 PM
The Left is galvanized by a trip to Penderel's Oak.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 27, 2021, 12:24:00 PM
You describe your wife in the wedding speech as a 'flattened oval or worm-like animal'.

Yes!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shameless Custard on September 27, 2021, 04:45:24 PM
You make your first post on the Steve Hoffman forums, and are told a mod must review it first
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 27, 2021, 06:20:22 PM
A stingy portion of stale mash is allocated to you on the event of your execution.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 27, 2021, 07:45:37 PM
England’s “second best-kept little village” calls you a melt.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 28, 2021, 12:06:00 AM
and as for me...I was the Bez of Fiel. Only without the dancing or marracca-playing.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 28, 2021, 07:00:10 AM
Your penpal Marc Dutroux calls your coddle recipe 'hogwash'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 28, 2021, 07:08:13 AM
Regional tyrant Brampton picks up the village thalidomide and uses it to twat your earthly belongings to a pulp.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 28, 2021, 07:43:44 AM
Your mum insists on being called pissmop_1963 after some early internet notoriety.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shameless Custard on September 28, 2021, 10:33:28 AM
Turns out your auntie once got it each end from Des Lynam and Robert Fleck.

Be alright if it was "back in the day", but it was just before Covid
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on September 28, 2021, 01:09:27 PM
A letter, postmarked from The Gambia, with just the words “unfuckable Les Dawson stunt double” written on it, successfully finds it way to you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on September 28, 2021, 01:35:43 PM
^ another corker.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Gregory Torso on September 28, 2021, 01:38:31 PM
A letter, postmarked from The Gambia, with just the words “unfuckable Les Dawson stunt double” written on it, successfully finds it way to you.

amazing
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 28, 2021, 01:52:18 PM
You adopt the coprophagal diet of a hare.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 28, 2021, 02:44:03 PM
Craig of Leytonstone has a surprizing hobby, for he literally likes watching paint dry, "in every hour I can spare!"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 29, 2021, 12:30:36 PM
Sooty commits suttee and Sweep sweeps up his ashes and gets sued by Soo.

I don’t fucking know.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 29, 2021, 08:12:21 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FAZ0xmjVcA0V4st?format=jpg&name=medium)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 30, 2021, 08:22:29 AM
Your experiments in fermenting semen are cracking along with a ferocious development programme.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on September 30, 2021, 09:39:53 AM
Your experiments in fermenting semen are cracking along with a ferocious development programme.

Who's this doing that? Do you know if the have any vacancies going? I'd be interested in being a marketing manager or product tester.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on September 30, 2021, 02:29:25 PM
Tim of Dorset rubs Marmalade into his tits, his own tits.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 01, 2021, 06:28:33 PM
You get a job at the local BP garage because you’re “mega into cars”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 02, 2021, 03:18:16 PM
In hospital having a gastric band fitted… to your tapeworm.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: buttgammon on October 02, 2021, 03:23:30 PM
You get a job at the local BP garage because you’re “mega into cars”.

Two weeks in and you're put out to pasture, replaced by a brave boy.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 02, 2021, 03:59:25 PM
In hospital having a gastric band fitted… to your cumworm.

Ouch
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 02, 2021, 05:32:23 PM
Your mother’s killer’s joyful mocking of your leaky colostomy bag is trending on TikTok.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Utterdrivel on October 02, 2021, 10:10:15 PM
So grotesquely hideous in both body and spirit are you that you decide to marry yourself. You are jilted at the altar.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 03, 2021, 02:35:55 AM
At the pub you try to get an argument going about BP versus Esso.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 03, 2021, 07:39:51 AM
You announce to the residents of Mecklenburg-Verpommen that you are 'coming over there'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on October 03, 2021, 02:40:14 PM
Your mum invites you round for Sunday roast to meet her new boyfriend. It's Dapper Laughs. He gleefully describes the roast lamb as "moist" at every opportunity, to chuckles around the table. He locks eyes with you across the spread, grinning and running his index finger back and forth under his nose.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 03, 2021, 03:25:36 PM
You get a tattoo on your penis of salt bae.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 03, 2021, 03:29:17 PM
The doctors spend months trying to work out why your body has rejected tem successive kidney transplants, but it turns out they all rejected you.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on October 03, 2021, 04:53:36 PM
You open a king bin and your woodwork teacher is in there, with no expression on his face chewing on rubbish. You're incensed with jealousy.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 03, 2021, 06:08:16 PM
You understand what a king bin is.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 03, 2021, 07:28:40 PM
Trapped inside a haunted copy of Livin’ La Vida Loca.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 03, 2021, 09:16:37 PM
You get a tattoo on your penis of salt bae.

The tattoo artist lets the needle slide off his elbow onto your cock.

$4,500 please sirah
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on October 03, 2021, 11:47:07 PM
In a fit of existential pique, you take a magnet to all your 3.5" floppy disks with your usenet porn on them … and then spend the next two months feeling like pure shit just want them back
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: poo on October 04, 2021, 01:33:14 PM
Arrests made as “Ainsley’s Charity Oetker-thon” ends in mass suicide
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 04, 2021, 07:47:50 PM
You bankrupt yourself through your attempts to try and convince Alton Towers to create a rollercoaster based on Meet the Fockers.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 04, 2021, 08:13:48 PM
"Hey guys, I'm sorry to inform you that your home has been repossessed. Good luck house-hunting from all of us, and hey, I really do mean that!" *millennial smile*
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 04, 2021, 09:26:07 PM
You spend hours a day combing your last remaining hair in the fridge.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 04, 2021, 09:32:14 PM
The last CaB post that made you laugh was one you wrote but have no memory of submitting at all.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 05, 2021, 11:21:22 AM
The new Blackadder series is finally agreed upon, set in Ireland in the Magdalene laundries.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 05, 2021, 12:20:33 PM
A Tuesday night in, your only company 2 cheap bottles of red wine and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 05, 2021, 01:29:25 PM
Outshone by a fluke worm.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on October 05, 2021, 01:35:39 PM
You spend 3 weeks knitting a cardigan for a newborn that turns out to be a complete arsehole
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 05, 2021, 01:37:30 PM
Paralysed below the eyebrows, you are forced to watch your childhood nemesis turn a tidy profit on Flog It!.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on October 05, 2021, 02:08:17 PM
"Most people think you're a horrible little rat, but you're alright in my book"
"Thanks Dad"
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Kankurette on October 05, 2021, 03:54:57 PM
At the Manic Street Preachers gig, James Dean Bradfield announces that he's off for a fag and hands his guitar to Nicky Wire, who proceeds to knock out an endless acoustic set which includes Vivian, Quest for Ancient Colour, and the entirety of Postcards from a Young Man while Sean cries into a tom.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 05, 2021, 04:05:10 PM
You spend 3 weeks knitting a cardigan for a newborn that unfortunately dies in the womb but not wanting your knitting effort to go to waste you shove the cardigan up your cunt and ask for an ultrasound
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 05, 2021, 05:56:22 PM
No one is the least bit surprised when Not All Men memes start getting plastered all over James Bond’s Facebook timeline.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 05, 2021, 08:26:34 PM
You understand what a king bin is.

the classroom contains two different-sized bins and your teacher reckons they're a funny cunt
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 05, 2021, 10:34:15 PM
In a fit of existential pique, you take a magnet to all your 3.5" floppy disks with your usenet porn on them … and then spend the next two months feeling like pure shit just want them back

This is very funny
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on October 05, 2021, 10:48:12 PM
In hospital having a gastric band fitted… to your tapeworm.

Worst Kilroy ever
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on October 05, 2021, 10:53:48 PM
Trapped inside a haunted copy of Livin’ La Vida Loca.

Specifically this version

https://youtu.be/UL1iDCRhvHA
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: jenna appleseed on October 06, 2021, 01:26:05 AM
Your new hobby is collecting all the Kings and throwing them in the King Bin.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 06, 2021, 02:26:28 AM
You wake at 5AM to begin another shift in the 'phimosis grating' plant.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 06, 2021, 09:16:55 AM
James Acaster releases Acasta's Paradise, a cover of Coolio's 90s hit. You'd assume this was done with no small amount of irony, but in fact there is none. There is none irony and he is proud of his song and the accompanying music video, which was widely described as "well, it's not not racist".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 06, 2021, 02:03:27 PM
Your death threats to Toby Anstiss mutate into a sort of Highland Games themed performance.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 06, 2021, 02:58:19 PM
You attempt to turn "a Mark Speight" into Cockney rhyming slang for "a masturbate".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 06, 2021, 03:28:03 PM
Your teddy Poobert is eviscerated at Show and Tell by Year 2 kingpin and strongman Daldon. All laugh.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 06, 2021, 03:36:06 PM
28 years etc
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 06, 2021, 03:43:02 PM
Mum catches you having a trousers-off wank to the video of your own birth.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: poo on October 06, 2021, 03:52:46 PM
Hah
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on October 07, 2021, 07:42:37 AM
Your piles have grown so big you could fuck people with them. No takers yet though.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dissolute ocelot on October 07, 2021, 11:53:43 AM
You accost a teenage girl in a Nirvana t-shirt for knowing nothing about their music and are forced to spend the next 6 hours listening to her read her Krist Novoselic fanfic.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 07, 2021, 01:31:37 PM
a PPI nostalgia cash-in single gets to number 3 in the charts
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 08, 2021, 12:35:25 PM
Ending it all after not getting an Andy Capp reference made by the compere at a raffle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on October 09, 2021, 12:09:50 AM
a PPI nostalgia cash-in single gets to number 3 in the charts

Great
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 09, 2021, 12:30:03 AM
Brian from Guildford remortgages his house to finance a project he will only describe as “MEGA-CHODE”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 09, 2021, 09:12:30 PM
"Hiya tapeworm mate."
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 09, 2021, 10:51:20 PM
your brother joins in a technical conversation by making a superficial gag about every term that comes up

Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 09, 2021, 10:59:06 PM
You delay filing divorce proceedings in order to buy tickets for a Bang Face Weekender.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on October 10, 2021, 12:47:44 AM
Euphoria surely
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on October 10, 2021, 01:26:15 AM
A sports day ends in tragedy after the fatal stabbing of unpopular school mascot Dogbert.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 11, 2021, 07:03:32 AM
Moving on from calling people you don't like membranes so fast that you start shortening it to mem even though culturally membrane hasn't caught on yet as an insult
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on October 11, 2021, 08:06:53 AM
Stray dog sex tourism in Manila.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 11, 2021, 11:22:39 AM
A notated map of your many skin tags fails to woo your grief counsellor.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 11, 2021, 06:49:30 PM
Last night's revelry can merely be described as 'weary shenanigans'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 12, 2021, 09:56:23 AM
Going into the office on the Saturday and Sunday to use the toilet because 'the facilities are frankly just better'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 12, 2021, 01:41:41 PM
excited for tomorrow on social media because he's launching some new patter
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Cuellar on October 12, 2021, 02:51:49 PM
Being moved to tears by a cretin's one man performance of Das Rheingold
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 12, 2021, 03:16:53 PM
Your IBS has gotten so bad your intestines are now wrapping themselves around your glansack.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 12, 2021, 03:23:40 PM
Being moved to tears by a cretin's one man performance of Das Rheingold

Have you heard Georg Solti’s recordings of the cretin? Mind blowing.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Chollis on October 12, 2021, 05:07:02 PM
A semi-professional footballer dies from severe head injuries after trying to run through brick walls for the manager
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: derek stitt on October 12, 2021, 08:36:39 PM
Going into the office on the Saturday and Sunday to use the toilet because 'the facilities are frankly just better'.

When I lived in a student house this scenario was a real thing.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 12, 2021, 09:24:47 PM
Belted up the arse by Dog the Bounty Hunter while he repeats all of his catchphrases in order: “Hunter? Hardly knew her,” “the Bounty Bars are on me,” “woof”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 12, 2021, 09:33:25 PM
You sit at home, all glum!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: pancreas on October 12, 2021, 10:11:17 PM
A fan club devoted to wanking over madhair's comics calls itself 'The Merry Men'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 12, 2021, 10:39:12 PM
You and your friends recreate The Contest from Seinfeld except with shitting.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 12, 2021, 11:08:42 PM
You become so bored that you actually start to physically devolve into grains of pittance.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 12, 2021, 11:17:15 PM
Your hipster wank band uses Talkboys for microphones. 
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 12, 2021, 11:27:11 PM
A fan club devoted to wanking over madhair's comics calls itself 'The Merry Men'.

The fan club comprises madhair alone and Merry Men is what he calls his two testicles and when he wanks to completion over his latest release he does a little wink and says “just spaffed out another one, eh, readers?” to no one.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 13, 2021, 03:41:20 AM
Your hutch from where you hawk copies of the Yorkshire Evening Post to shuffling wretches of the high street tips over from being minority bird shit in composition to majority.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on October 13, 2021, 11:02:07 AM
Your tapeworm checks out of your anus and chooses Putney instead.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on October 13, 2021, 07:01:22 PM
Your hipster wank band uses Talkboys for microphones.

You and your friends recreate The Contest from Seinfeld except with shitting.

Slap bassing sounds on the pan as it cracks, sending pungent effluent into your dingy bedsit. The groan of the rusty water coursing around is captured by the Talkboy which is deemed the only listenable part of your latest EP.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: dex on October 13, 2021, 07:03:41 PM
Happy Slapped by Grayson Perry in full regalia.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Menyatta Zondatta on October 13, 2021, 07:29:56 PM
Your obituary in the local paper refers to you as 'a wanker of seismic proportions'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 13, 2021, 07:30:49 PM
Slap bassing sounds on the pan as it cracks, sending pungent effluent into your dingy bedsit. The groan of the rusty water coursing around is captured by the Talkboy which is deemed the only listenable part of your latest EP.

Say did you ever notice how shitting sounds when it’s slowed down on a Talkboy? What’s the deal with that?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 13, 2021, 08:01:03 PM
An ill-fated expedition sees you left for dead in the Sahara by the original lineup of Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 13, 2021, 08:41:47 PM
Your mail order bride is stuck on a container ship off Felixstowe.

Your ma’s anus appears on google maps as a local point of interest (busier than usual).

A Brian Conley obsessive with a fucked liver goes on a Bradley Walsh tangent for a bit before regaining focus in the final stretch.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on October 13, 2021, 08:45:49 PM
Your ejaculate somehow spells out “GUEST STARRING ANNE REID” across your tummy after every wank for three years.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2021, 07:02:14 PM
A bout of despair is lifted by the punching of your glandpods.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on October 14, 2021, 08:05:44 PM
Your mother fucks your gaoler in a lagoon full of blood.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 14, 2021, 08:09:22 PM
Your mother fucks your gaoler in a lagoon full of blood.

He gives her a 2/5 on Punternet.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 14, 2021, 09:01:23 PM
Someone begins to correct you when over Sunday dinner you talk about the “server-side of beef”, until you go on to mention the “client-side of all the trimmings”.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 15, 2021, 08:51:31 PM
a man doubles down when his newly launched patter is ignored
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2021, 11:35:28 PM
Barry of Clydebank spends his weekends polishing his collection of Games Workshop metal figures "to a remarkable shine".
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 16, 2021, 05:28:12 AM
Your new MP for Southend, Dogdon.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Menyatta Zondatta on October 16, 2021, 11:54:22 AM
Your new MP for Southend, Dogdon.
lmao, good stuff
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on October 16, 2021, 02:04:16 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FBvo4JBXsAUzyCM?format=jpg&name=large)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2021, 06:50:57 PM
Some disappointed Mormons mutter utter doggeral beside an off-licence in Cheshire.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 16, 2021, 08:15:01 PM
A Hattie Jacques doppelgänger leaves a creamy turd in your dodgem car.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on October 16, 2021, 08:26:14 PM
Watching old Met Office weather forecasts and going 'they got that one wrong' then complaining to the BBC.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2021, 08:49:56 PM
Greasy shitcakes are the only item on today's menu at The Glum Spoon, Holmfirth.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 16, 2021, 09:42:36 PM
A dented tin of elbow soup, forgotten in the back of an old zoophile’s larder.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on October 16, 2021, 10:57:11 PM
LinkedIn list you in the latrine business, no matter where you’re employed.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on October 16, 2021, 10:58:05 PM
Your son tells you his skull makes him horny.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on October 16, 2021, 11:00:39 PM
Des Lynam goes dogging in a car seat.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 17, 2021, 01:01:37 AM
Norman takes pleasure in knowing that there's a Cup-a-Soup waiting for him when he gets home. He'll enjoy that as he watches racing highlights on his 11" B&W set. Oh wait he had the Cup-a-Soup last night and the telly's on the blink. Shite.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 17, 2021, 08:41:45 PM
After titling your film “The Chumscrubber”, critics describe it as “an appallingly clumsy and stupid take on drugs, kidnapping and suicide. Dreadful, unoriginal, without an original bone in its body or a compelling thought in its head. Insufferable, self-conscious, and smug.”
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: itsfredtitmus on October 17, 2021, 08:45:44 PM
After titling your film “The Chumscrubber”, critics describe it as “an appallingly clumsy and stupid take on drugs, kidnapping and suicide. Dreadful, unoriginal, without an original bone in its body or a compelling thought in its head. Insufferable, self-conscious, and smug.”
THE CUMSCRUBBERS
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 17, 2021, 09:19:42 PM
The Cum Chums.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Twit 2 on October 18, 2021, 12:01:04 AM
Jesus is buffering
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on October 18, 2021, 07:20:58 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fP88XEAUlNs9?format=jpg&name=360x360)
https://twitter.com/JoeBillGibbo/status/1449982385408331776

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fRIYWEAEdzY1?format=jpg&name=small)

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fR7yWYAIsotI?format=jpg&name=small)

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fS3QWEAEH8hA?format=jpg&name=small)
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: touchingcloth on October 18, 2021, 08:19:22 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fP88XEAUlNs9?format=jpg&name=360x360)
https://twitter.com/JoeBillGibbo/status/1449982385408331776

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fRIYWEAEdzY1?format=jpg&name=small)

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fR7yWYAIsotI?format=jpg&name=small)

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fS3QWEAEH8hA?format=jpg&name=small)

Which one was you?
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: petrilTanaka on October 18, 2021, 08:35:54 PM
the above, but intended to as a comedy character thing
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Glebe on October 19, 2021, 12:43:40 AM
Local man Neggie Ned is thus named because of the selection of negative vibes he produces!
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 19, 2021, 06:52:50 AM
Jeered off the stage while eulogising your daughter.

A leukemia cluster puts your hairdressing salon out of business.

Your family put your obituary in the local paper because they 'needed a lift' and 'just wanted to see it'.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 19, 2021, 07:20:57 AM
Your frequently mis-specied mother separates Gala pie into segments with her nose.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: batwings on October 19, 2021, 09:08:48 AM
After a terminal diagnosis, Gerald Ginger dedicates his final days to creating a Mr Benn wiki. It gets no visitors and the hosting eventually lapses. Waste of fucking time.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: Catalogue of ills on October 19, 2021, 10:28:29 AM
Your literal interpretation of phrases lands you in trouble again after you spend the whole of your first pay packet on bacon and tickets for a bread raffle.
Title: Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 19, 2021, 11:38:51 AM
After a terminal diagnosis, Gerald Ginger dedicates his final days to creating a Mr Benn wiki. It gets no visitors and the hosting eventually lapses. Waste of fucking time.

Superb.