Cook'd and Bomb'd

Forums => H.S. Art => Topic started by: Glebe on May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM

Title: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM
Instead of loads of threads, a catch-all thread for things your dad is doing.

Your dad keeps saying, "Right, we'd better be off!" We're having a lovely time then he says that. Things are just getting into the swing of things when he says that. He acts like there's something important to do but he just wants to go home and play with his train set in the garage.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 05, 2021, 08:10:55 AM
Skulking in the shadow of the beech tree while all your mum's mates and their partners gather round the BBQ in their Birkenstocks clogs and wacky sombreros drinking pimms and peroni and laughing at your dad, his penis still throbbing from the charcoal burns. Wasn't a good look for your mum's middle class pals. He looks abashed, but he's seething.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 05, 2021, 11:16:44 AM
Didn’t even know they did drinkable pepperoni
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 05, 2021, 11:30:59 AM
Your dad keeps folding his arms and going, "Anyway, enough chat, we'd better be off." He has the car keys in his hand and he keeps fidgeting. He's reached for the door latch twice.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 05, 2021, 11:34:48 AM
He’s like this with a glass of tizer:


“Tell you what, this refreshing drink of Tizer sure does kick up a smashing taste!!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Butchers Blind on May 05, 2021, 11:45:10 AM
Your dad buying his straight leg, blue denim jeans from ASDA.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: seepage on May 05, 2021, 11:53:02 AM
He's taken a sickie to play Lord of the Rings Tactics on the PSP all day again. He'd better be back to work tomorrow!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 05, 2021, 12:10:11 PM
Your dad has picked up that people these days are routinely talking about their “core”. 

So he’s like this:


“Ahh yeah so doing a lot on my core at the moment, yeah.”  He’s stretching out like he’s so chilled out and nothing could be a more routine conversation for him.  “Yawn yeah, so my core is getting stronger for sure.”


Gradually through additional details you realise that he thinks his “core” is a physical line running from the crown of his head to his anus.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Bazooka on May 05, 2021, 01:17:19 PM
He's going hardcore vegan to "fit in", first step is only eating skinless sausages.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 05, 2021, 01:41:55 PM
Your dad keeps all his coin change in a coffee jar and once a month he takes it to the bank saying "That's free money, that is, I'd have just spent that if not for my trusty jar."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 05, 2021, 01:57:25 PM
“The lower end of my core is a little raw at the moment after a particularly rigorous wiping session.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 05, 2021, 02:40:34 PM
“Surprising how a simple mug of coffee serves to flush your core through, isn’t it.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 05, 2021, 03:09:32 PM
Your dad is suddenly chuckling to himself.  “Napoleon Boner-part, like part of a boner which means erection.”  Then he shuts his eyes again and snuggles his mass firmly back into the deckchair.


He’s going to repeat that one to his mates in the pub at the weekend.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Gregory Torso on May 05, 2021, 04:09:58 PM
Your dad is the Beatles. The Beatles are John (your dad), Paul (your dad), George (your dad) and Ringo (your dad). All Beatles songs are credited (your dad ASCAP). Your dad went on the Ed Sullivan show and took off his shorts. Your dad toppled the USSR.

Your dad is also Alan Partridge, Andy Partridge, all of the Doctors Who and their respective anime girlfriends. Your dad is the MCU and all of the encompassing tiny blazing CGI komputermensch buzzing around collapsing rendered city scenes saving the USA with patriotic swollen arm energy.

Your dad has a spice rack.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Gregory Torso on May 05, 2021, 04:12:44 PM
Your dad and your uncle Dave started a band called Chasm And Dave. Your dad is the chasm, Dave is the Dave, and you are their roadie.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Gregory Torso on May 05, 2021, 04:20:56 PM
Your dad partied with the Battersby Girls at the Spahn Ranch. Your dad was there at the book depository in Liverpool in 1983 where he shot Jimmy Corkhill with an air rifle. Your dad was in the garden of Gethsemane listening to The Best Of Wings on his Sony Discman.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 05, 2021, 04:32:41 PM
Your dad pressed his actual face to make his passport photo
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: wosl on May 05, 2021, 05:08:52 PM
Your dad has started furiously saluting everything.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Gregory Torso on May 05, 2021, 05:49:42 PM
Your dad is a screaming mountain of anger. Your dad dreams in strobelit carcrashes. Your dad grieves daily for his working man's dick. Your dad is a running joke. Your dad is beating a dead horse. Your dad is running up that hill, through the stony pittance of his imagination and down the barren slopes of his refusal to change.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Gregory Torso on May 05, 2021, 06:17:54 PM
Your dad isn't just going to sit at home and not watch Rihanna's make-up tutorials on Vimeo, you know. He is your dad, after all.

Your dad brays like a coyote. Your dad has a GNVQ in stilt-walking. Your dad has a face like a bingo score card. Thy feyther hath twin boobs like an ladye.

A true man he was. Loved his family. Immensely loyal. Stronger than anyone can ever understand.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Gregory Torso on May 05, 2021, 09:03:50 PM
Your dad YOUR DAD your fad DAD fat DAD sad bastard DAD DAD lol

Yourrrrr dad's had your mum

Your dad told you he was waiting to have sex until after you get married.

Your dad went on a "neighbourhood mind probe" in the bath after smoking salvia with your uncle.

Your dad's favourite cake porn video is "Two Icing Tarts Fart On Double Sponge"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 05, 2021, 09:20:41 PM
Dad issues
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on May 05, 2021, 09:51:51 PM
Your dad is on Top of the Pops wearing leather trousers and singing a power-ballad about a goose.

Your dad has put a new poster on his wall of a ‘sexpot vocalist’.

Your dad spent three hours on the phone to a vulgar premium-rate chat line and tried to reverse the charges.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 05, 2021, 10:07:27 PM
'sugar vulva' is your dad's new nickname for the corner tobacconist
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Gregory Torso on May 05, 2021, 10:29:52 PM
Your dad is a sexual decathlon. Your dad is head, nose, mouth, balls, testicles, gas, gonorhhea, flatulence and shoulders above you in terms of personality.
When the image of your dad passes through your mum's eye it instantly converts into feelings of intense anger.

Your dad is dtf. Your dad is wild, wild country flava. Your dad is swimming pool foot bath cool. Your dad is the Mcafee anti-virus. Your dad goes out shagging with taxi drivers. Your dad drinks warm coca-cola from the can and then follows through.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 05, 2021, 11:03:39 PM
Your dad is meeting Clarence Boddiker at the factory this afternoon.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 06, 2021, 07:31:29 AM
Your dad says "The Owl Service shits on anything on The Netsflicks."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on May 06, 2021, 03:28:18 PM
Your dad has opened up a meat market under his leg.

Your dad has invested all his money in Vim.

Your dad claims the Great Pyramid of Giza was built by "a nonce".

Your dad claims that an itchy back is a sign of greatness.

Your dad has gone back to 1992 because he left one of his Hush Puppies there.

Your dad is hissing because he can't STAND Bulgarians.

Your dad is walking around like a crab because he is mentally unwell.

Your dad's odour has been rated "entirely melodious" by the Greater London Council.

Your dad can fit in a straw.

Your dad makes a bacon sandwich.

Your dad is recognised by his literary agent as one of the most viscous fluids they've ever worked with.

Your dad is filled with blent air.

Your dad has gone through the spectrum of the rainbow into the realm of pure elemental energy and do you know what he's doing? He's making a bloody fool of himself. A bloody fool.

Your dad is lobbying the first continental congress to bury his hedge.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Scarlet Intangible on May 06, 2021, 04:58:10 PM
My Dad is marinating a jellybaby for later. I can't wait. He is going to whistle when it's ready.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on May 06, 2021, 05:08:07 PM
Your dad thinks hamburgers are a suitable meat for a stir fry.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: popcorn on May 06, 2021, 05:15:21 PM
Your dad is making a separate thread for the thing he's doing.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on May 06, 2021, 05:22:43 PM
Your dad has been up all night polishing his soil.

Your dad is in court for disagreeing with a plum.

Your dad has filled a moat with tiny crabs.

Your dad only owns one picture of the Queen.

Your dad is traipsing through the back of his Bible.

Your dad is in terrible trouble for groping cloves.

Your dad has assumed the attitude of three eels.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 06, 2021, 07:47:14 PM
Your dad sucks the cream out of the middle of a cream horn and then refills it with squirty whipped cream over and over. He calls it a Creamy All Day Horn and laughs his head off.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 06, 2021, 08:01:19 PM
Your dad sucks the cream out of the middle of a cream horn and then refills it with squirty whipped cream over and over. He calls it a Creamy All Day Horn and laughs his head off.

That's a pretty neat idea to be fair.  Sometimes you have to admire your dad
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 06, 2021, 08:11:25 PM
Your dad is forcing a mandarin into a gannet's armpit near Solsbury.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on May 06, 2021, 08:31:46 PM
Your dad has been up all night polishing his soil.

I misread that as ‘Your dad has been up all night polishing his soul’, which I found pleasingly metaphysical.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 06, 2021, 08:39:49 PM
Your dad is forcing a mandarin into a gannet's armpit near Solsbury.

AND WHEN THE MANDARIN STARTS PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNES
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on May 06, 2021, 08:53:20 PM
Your dad is trying to pay 50p to get into the swimming baths to do ‘Skooooba Diving’ (that’s how he says it).

Your dad has fitted an aesthetically disastrous dado rail in the meeting room of the village hall.

Your dad is avoiding Des Lynam because he owes him a tenner.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 07, 2021, 11:18:29 AM
Your dad is disappointed that "the AIDS didn't stop the gays in the '80s. If anything they're thrived."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 07, 2021, 11:27:28 AM
Your dad just saluted and sharted the national anthem. Spectacular.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: selectivememory on May 07, 2021, 11:46:17 AM
Your dad thinks Jeremy Clarkson would make a smashing prime minister.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 07, 2021, 04:02:36 PM
Your dad rocks up at your daughter's birthday party dressed as the Honey Monster. "How ya like me now?"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 07, 2021, 04:07:32 PM
Your dad used to be a werewolf but he's alright noooooOOOOOWWWWW god oh christ not again


Your werewolf dad is cornered in the barn and they've found the remains of that shepherd that went missing
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 07, 2021, 04:09:09 PM
Your dad breaks the radiator so he can repair it again.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: wosl on May 07, 2021, 04:44:49 PM
Except he's given up half-way through, hasn't he.  Your mum's just found him lying in a deep snooze in the middle of a pool of pipe offcuts, unravelled soldering wire and scavenged railway-siding porn.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: seepage on May 07, 2021, 05:04:40 PM
Your dad's lost the first Advanced Squad Leader scenario to the automata again.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 09, 2021, 10:33:46 PM
Your dad is furiously attempting to make Jurassic Park exist across thousands of floppy disks.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 09, 2021, 10:39:41 PM
Your dad is loudly sharing his personal experience of snack machines where you put your money in but something goes wrong so your snack doesn't fall down.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 10, 2021, 12:48:25 AM
Your dad is brushing his urethra with whitening toothpaste to stop his urine being so yellow.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on May 10, 2021, 01:12:59 AM
Your dad is raging at a rogue windsock.

Your dad is laying a tremendous egg.

Your dad is pointing at tiny barrel of souls.

Your dad is riding the light of the great old ones.

Your dad is performing an epic anal prolapse with great aplomb.

Your dad has logged on and fprotted the tarball.

Your dad has launched a hate campaign against grapes.

Your dad is full of beans and has unloaded some onto the garden wall for the crows to gobble.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: chveik on May 10, 2021, 01:14:26 AM
your dad's turned off replies

your dad writes Derek fanfiction.

your dad is saving his virginity for Mike Gapes.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 10, 2021, 01:26:13 AM
your dad's turned off replies

yeah to be honest i have gone quite off him lately
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 10, 2021, 10:55:05 AM
Your dad rolls his eyes when "another of them women comedians" come on the telly.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 11, 2021, 09:07:10 PM
Your dad pulls bemused faces at "these modern haircuts!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 11, 2021, 09:13:26 PM
Your dad wears a discreet money belt to the shops because you never know what the fuck’s around the corner, son.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 11, 2021, 10:40:40 PM
Your dad pops a buttplug into his anus whenever he visits the local shops, to keep out any surprise intruders.


The bulge makes him look like he's shat himself but he can't see it so:  "out of sight out of mind, unless it's a surprise intruder," he says with a wry smile and a wink.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 11, 2021, 10:57:16 PM
Your dad only wears sensible jumpers. Even in the bath.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 11, 2021, 11:03:50 PM
Your dad drilled a hole in the campus shower room wall to insert his penis into and later unsuccessfully sued the Porky’s filmmakers. “Never saw a penny, son,” he laments on long winter nights. “And they all got rich off your old pa’s prick.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on May 12, 2021, 12:38:54 AM
Your dad is cooking up another batch of his experimental custard.

Your dad is setting up in business as a ‘gravel agent’.

Your dad is compiling a list of his favourite agricultural implements.

Your dad is trying to register a patent for ‘waterproof water’.

Your dad is going to get himself into trouble if he carries on like this.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 12, 2021, 02:15:29 PM
Your dad finally has enough set aside to buy that hoverboard.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 14, 2021, 12:54:38 AM
Your dad is phoning dirty chat lines when everyone is gone to bed.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on May 14, 2021, 01:15:18 PM
Your dad is rotating a frozen swan.

Your dad has broken his beautiful cot.

Your dad is celebrating his delicious soup made from old watch batteries.

Your dad is trapped inside the wrinkled scrotum of Lionel Blair.

Your dad has posted a saucy letter addressed to the Statue of Liberty.

Your dad can't stop farting!

Your dad no longer lives on land.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 15, 2021, 10:22:52 PM
Your dad laughs at "them two tattoo women over there holding hands."

Your dad brings his Nissan Micra in to be serviced.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 18, 2021, 02:26:18 PM
Your dad says The Demon Headmaster is his favourite show from childhood, but by my calculations he was 35 years old age that first aired.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Utterdrivel on May 18, 2021, 06:19:38 PM
Your dad has become Death, destroyer of worlds.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 18, 2021, 08:20:36 PM
Your dad dresses up as Mario to "surprise the kids playing the Atari machine!" While your wife calms the kids down, you organize a barring order against your dad.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 19, 2021, 08:06:41 PM
Your dad leaves a Wu-Tang Clan CD on the dashboard. He's never listened to it, but "you've got to look modern."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on May 19, 2021, 08:56:03 PM
Your dad is going around telling everyone that The Phone Book is a great summer read: ‘It’s action-packed, and it’s not even as long as it used to be.’
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: chveik on May 19, 2021, 09:17:49 PM
Your dad leaves a Wu-Tang Clan CD on the dashboard. He's never listened to it, but "you've got to look modern."

your dad's favourite is Cappadonna
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 19, 2021, 09:19:58 PM
Your dad ate all of the potato salad again and changed his username to Creamy Spuds.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 19, 2021, 11:46:58 PM
You dad is on the mike and recording a diss track about your Granny.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on May 20, 2021, 02:26:24 AM
Your Dad is looking at you across the dinner table and wondering if you've got a bigger willy than him.

Your Dad is dead. Haha.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 20, 2021, 12:37:53 PM
Your dad is testing out what he is maniacally calling “the potentially infinite differences” between his belly button and his urethra
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on May 20, 2021, 08:52:29 PM
Your dad is trying to sell his imaginary friend on eBay.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 21, 2021, 01:39:22 PM
Your dad catches you watching hardcore porn on your computer.

"Er, I'll just switch this off then, dad."

"No no, leave it. Why don't you go outside for awhile?"

"It's pouring rain, dad."

"Go on."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 21, 2021, 01:46:37 PM
Your dad keeps pointing the telly remote at the iPad uh-oh
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: popcorn on May 21, 2021, 02:36:09 PM
Your dad is making a beautiful wooden rocking horse for your son's third birthday.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: popcorn on May 21, 2021, 02:37:35 PM
Your dad supports your gender identity 100% and loves you no matter what. "You're the same to me as you always have been," he says.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: popcorn on May 21, 2021, 02:38:59 PM
Your dad's teaching you how to fish this weekend.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: popcorn on May 21, 2021, 03:12:16 PM
Your dad has kept in shape and has a lot of admirers - but he only has eyes for your mum.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on May 21, 2021, 03:27:23 PM
Your Dad keeps touching the radiator and saying "Have you been messing with this?".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 21, 2021, 03:32:49 PM
Your dad keeps all his old cinema tickets in a photobox and can tell you what snacks he had to eat at any of them - go on, ask!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 21, 2021, 05:14:56 PM
Your dad is on local news service Points West playing Kid Icarus on the NES.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 21, 2021, 05:19:44 PM
Your dad is making a beautiful wooden rocking horse for your son's third birthday.

By the time it is finished he is calling it “a rocking porpoise, as I always planned”.  Looks like an MDF gigantic sock parked on a clothes rack.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on May 21, 2021, 05:25:21 PM
Your dad is making a beautiful wooden rocking horse for your son's third birthday.

(http://cdni.exclusivemilf.com/300/5/61/86326148/86326148_016_2608.jpg)

For fuck's sake Dad...
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 21, 2021, 05:56:00 PM
Your dad is leaping up from his chair - a eureka moment.  And bounding off to his shed "to make a toilet seat entirely out of M&Ms!!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on May 21, 2021, 07:46:53 PM
Your dad thinks all dogs look the same.

Your dad can't stop tweaking your nipple.

Your dad can't say Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and keep his false teeth in place.

Your dad is a little-known tv star in Trans-Dniester.

Your dad tells everyone but you that you're his favourite.

Your dad thinks socks with sandals will be 'in' this year. Every year.

Your dad doesn't like honey "Because of that one time..."

Your dad grinds the queen's head off any coin he receives in change.

Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 21, 2021, 07:56:20 PM
Your dad loves a western but doesn’t like them zomboid films.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on May 21, 2021, 08:25:25 PM
Your dad has tasted every 'A' road in England & Wales

Your dad says he "Can't get it up anymore since Elton John died."

Your dad is changing his name by deed poll to "Mrs. Barry 'Biscuits' Tubshaw". It's going to impress the neighbours he says.

Your dad is phoning people at random to ask if they're preparing themselves for living in the near future and the challenges it will undoubtedly bring.

Your dad is developing an app that will let you know when it was 14 years ago at any given moment.

Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on May 21, 2021, 09:12:31 PM
Your dad's on fire! put him out! he's going to die!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 21, 2021, 09:46:38 PM
Gardener's World has just ended, and your dad let's you switch over to GOLD to watch Blackadder. He folds his arms throughout, and alternates between giving you dirty looks and going "hmmph!" whenever you laugh. At the ad break, he storms into the kitchen shouting "You're too clever by half!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on May 22, 2021, 06:17:55 AM
Your dad's got no nose.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 22, 2021, 03:27:34 PM
You catch your dad wanking. "First of the day!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 22, 2021, 11:48:23 PM
Classic sitcom Taxi comes on the telly and your dad produces a recorder out of nowhere and plays along to the memorable theme tune. "Very good, my dad."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 23, 2021, 02:33:11 PM
Your dad is chiming in with messages of piss and positivity
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 23, 2021, 02:50:50 PM
Your dad says social media "has ruined everything. Time was, you'd get the lawn mowed then use the telephone - the landline telephone, with the receiver and twirly cord, mind! - to have a sensible chat with a friend. Or you might write a letter to a cousin, and pop it down to the good old fashioned post office! Now the computer nerd weirdos have taken over... bring back the old ways, I say!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: TrenterPercenter on May 23, 2021, 04:54:13 PM
Your dad has seen this thread and has now created a sock on CaB to write the following post:

There are a lot positives to be said about certain dads, like the dad who knows how to make the world's best sausage and baked bean casserole, who still looks good in his pair of genuine Oakley's sun glasses and who definitely didn't get divorced for shagging his wife's sister it was just the right time for another crazy dad adventure.  DOLO.  I love all dads, not stepdads, but this dad I'm thinking of in particular is a very impressive dad; the kind of dad that Alan Hansen would likely say "he's gort passion, he's gort drive, he's gort a lovely studio flat and can eat and clean up whenever he wants".  Can anyone lend me a fiver?
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 23, 2021, 05:39:15 PM
"Happy Birthday, son!" chirps your dad, handing you a £15 voucher for a business supplies shop.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 24, 2021, 11:12:25 AM
Your dad is eating all the Epsom salts
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 24, 2021, 11:21:55 AM
Do you dare your dad to climb that tree? Well he's gonna!

Don't think he can do it? You'll be laughing on the other side of your face, chum!

Call the GP son my loose knee's gone again.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: TrenterPercenter on May 24, 2021, 11:25:09 AM
Your dad has been walking around speaking loudly into his extra large bluetooth ear piece.  When you ask him why he doesn't get a smaller one he replies "well people wouldn't know I had one then would they".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on May 24, 2021, 11:35:44 AM
Your dad's started referring to your mum as "the drip tray".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 24, 2021, 03:54:15 PM
Your dad is rebuilding Hadrian's Wall brick by brick in a project he calls 'Project Dad'.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on May 24, 2021, 04:03:01 PM
Your dad has enquired about releasing equity from his collection of old Eagle comics.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 24, 2021, 04:20:22 PM
Your dad has enquired about releasing equity from his collection of old Eagle comics.

Your dad knows the Hulk is just a rip-off of the Mekon and tells you and your friends it all the way through Avengers: Engdame.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 24, 2021, 06:23:27 PM
Your Dad is character 'Brown Laden' on new comedy night at the Cock & Hoop in Nantwich.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 24, 2021, 06:42:11 PM
Your dad isn't an edgelord, but he supports All Blacks New Zealand rugby with the slogan 'All Black Lives Matter'.  And he wears facepaint for it that makes him look like a tiger drawn by a three year old.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 24, 2021, 08:56:46 PM
Your dad's favourite "Playstation" game is Horace Goes Skiing.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: TrenterPercenter on May 24, 2021, 10:15:56 PM
You dad has been singing "don't stand so close me" now for several hours in his shed; you can see through the window that he has also created a makeshift shrine to the Police and is hunched over performing somekind of strange ritual dance.  Your eyes keep flicking between an advert for crisis line and a flyer for a local exorcist.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 24, 2021, 10:37:57 PM
Your dad doesn’t mean to sound controversial but he is 100% certain takeaway pizza is a fad. “It’s just an unfolded pie.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on May 24, 2021, 11:45:41 PM
Your dad is eating Super Noodles with a tuning fork.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 25, 2021, 12:47:31 AM
Your dad is fiddling around with the lawn mower's carburetor. His shepherd's pie is going cold on the table, but mum is "not going to call him in again".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 25, 2021, 09:28:43 AM
Your dad puts a lightbulb in his mouth like Uncle Fester then spends the rest of the holiday complaining his fillings ache.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on May 25, 2021, 02:52:42 PM
The new Muller Light advert has prompted your dad to add Katarina Johnson-Thompson to a list he's titled "Browns Of Concern".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on May 25, 2021, 03:45:10 PM
Your dad just shitted up a bacon cos he plugged his burn.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 25, 2021, 03:50:44 PM
Your dad is hotly tipped to be the new leader of New York superhero crew The Avengers. "Not bad for a boy from Putney, eh?" he says as he makes his biceps dance.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 25, 2021, 05:16:16 PM
You’re dad is claiming to think Katy Perry bashes out some pretty great tunes
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Utterdrivel on May 25, 2021, 05:57:05 PM
Your dad took his pension early and spent it all on cosmetic surgery to 'look more like Paul Coia'.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: seepage on May 25, 2021, 07:51:31 PM
Your dad's just poured himself a nice glass of TV-advertised Malbec ready for tonight's RuneQuest session on Teams.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on May 25, 2021, 08:00:04 PM
Your dad's a proper dickhead mate. Proper dickhead.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 25, 2021, 08:01:35 PM
Your dad has learned about dabbing and now won’t let it go
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 25, 2021, 09:10:54 PM
Your dad is "not much of a music nut," but insists on telling you that, at a push, his favourite song of all time is "Elton Johns' (sic) 'This Circular Life', from the soundtrack to Pixar's The King Lion".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: seepage on May 25, 2021, 09:21:18 PM
Your dad's just paid £19.99 for tonight's lecture about the Romans at Stonehenge.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 25, 2021, 09:26:51 PM
Your dad’s favourite Buckaroo piece is the hat, which is why he has a tattoo of it on his arse.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 25, 2021, 10:19:34 PM
Your dad uses the terms "memes" and "gifs" (which he pronounces "jifs") interchangeably
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 25, 2021, 10:22:33 PM
Your dad spends £30 per day to keep "wonderwall" booming out of his local pub's jukebox
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 26, 2021, 01:04:42 PM
Your dad is using “super mario” as an adjective in place of “tremendous” - eg in the exclamation “That was a super mario music concert!!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 26, 2021, 01:13:43 PM
Your dad knows Pikachu is the yellow lightning one but just blags the rest by repeating the name back to you and adding "oh yeah, yep, know that one too."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 26, 2021, 01:24:58 PM
Your dad is proud to know about “tin key winkie” “pitsy” “lahlo” and “pogue”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: TrenterPercenter on May 26, 2021, 05:06:20 PM
Your dad has just spunked the families entire life savings on "Brit-Coin", a cryptocurrency specifically made-up for the "proud everyday Brexit investor class".

"It's all gonna be worth it san" he says showing you the promotional YouTube video from Brian Rose.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jenna appleseed on May 26, 2021, 07:18:55 PM
Your dad is secretly most of the posters on the Steve Hoffman forum, and won't stop boring on about The Beatles.

Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 26, 2021, 07:56:03 PM
Your dad keeps mixing up Mohammed Ali and Chris Eubank.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 27, 2021, 08:21:57 PM
Asked to state his favourite piece of acting work in all of television and film, your dad immediately says “Ted Danson in Gulliver’s Travels”.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on May 28, 2021, 04:54:15 AM
Your dad has developed an unhealthy interest in potatoes.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 28, 2021, 08:43:20 PM
Your dad is using the old iPad you gave him to watch old clips of Top Gear on "Your Tube".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 28, 2021, 08:57:10 PM
Your dad is tugging one out.

That’s right son, that loose nail won’t be snagging any more sleeves.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 28, 2021, 10:09:25 PM
Your dad's favourite Hollywood star is Stephen Dorff.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 28, 2021, 11:22:11 PM
Your dad saves up all the Dominos flyers the house receives then every six months drives over and pushes them through Dominos letterbox with “checkmate” written on the top one in sharpie.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on May 28, 2021, 11:55:48 PM
Your Dad has offended my family, and he has offended the Shaolin Temple.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 29, 2021, 12:16:56 AM
"Devon and Cornwall police have found a body."

"What's that, dad?"

"Devon and Cornwall police have found a body."

"Who's body?"

"It doesn't say."

"What are you looking at, dad?"

"The BBC News internet."

"Let me see... dad, that article is from 2005."

"Eh?! Oh yeah. Anyway. Devon and Cornwall Police have found a body."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on May 30, 2021, 03:02:32 AM
Your dad pops in to see your kids and their friends sporting a Walkman, "Hey guys, is it live... or is it Memorex?"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on May 31, 2021, 12:22:52 AM
Your dad is in the park extracting substances from tree bark and calling himself a shaman.

Your dad has learnt to play the theme tune from ‘The Flying Doctors’ on his Bontempi organ.

Your dad is a big name in crazy golf.

Your dad is insisting that Oompa Loompas are a real type of animal.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on May 31, 2021, 01:54:39 PM
Your dad is bulking up for the big parade.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on May 31, 2021, 02:15:05 PM
Your dad has finally amassed enough ring pulls to send you to space camp.

"Dad that prize ended in 1982."

The next morning you get a Facebook notification that your dad has joined the group "UnGrateful S0ns."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on May 31, 2021, 02:36:50 PM
Your dad has learned a power chord and keeps chucking it out.


'chonnnnnng'


'chonnnnnng'



'chonnnnnng'




'chonnnnnng'

'chonnnnnng'





'chonnnnnng'


'chonnnnnng'





'chonnnnnng'



'chonnnnnng'





'chonnnnnng'



a 'chonnnnnng'






a 'chonnnnnng'



'chonnnnnng'






'chonnnnnng'


'chonnnnnng'






You get the idea.  And each time he does it he's looking at you for approval, grinning like 'good huh!'
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 01, 2021, 08:20:26 PM
Your dad babysits his grandkids and puts his VHS of Jurassic Park on to show them he's still "with it".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 01, 2021, 08:57:48 PM
Your dad has learned a power chord and keeps chucking it out.


'chonnnnnng'


'chonnnnnng'



'chonnnnnng'




'chonnnnnng'

'chonnnnnng'





'chonnnnnng'


'chonnnnnng'





'chonnnnnng'



'chonnnnnng'





'chonnnnnng'



a 'chonnnnnng'






a 'chonnnnnng'



'chonnnnnng'






'chonnnnnng'


'chonnnnnng'






You get the idea.  And each time he does it he's looking at you for approval, grinning like 'good huh!'

Unfortunately, on this solemn occasion, he has perfected the brown note.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 01, 2021, 09:07:30 PM
When collecting the letters from the front step in his bathrobe, your dad is in a playful mood and performs a perfect pirouette, but slips on a cladding leaflet and exposes his entire lower half to the postie.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 01, 2021, 11:43:32 PM
Your dad is "hanging out at the mall" (I.e. standing around the shopping centre) in a backwards cap and a pair of oversized jeans that keep falling down. Been arrested twice.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 02, 2021, 09:46:25 AM
Your dad thinks Gary Sinise is ageing like a fine wine.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 02, 2021, 09:53:54 AM
Your dad is repeating “mah cock is as tawwl as a lamb!!” in what he thinks is a good Texan accent.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 02, 2021, 10:03:03 AM
Your dad is up at 5:30 every morning, doing practical shit.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 02, 2021, 10:13:00 AM
Your dad swore off caffeine once... worst 10 minutes of his life haha!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 02, 2021, 10:47:06 AM
Unfortunately, on this solemn occasion, he has perfected the brown note.

Dad she's not even cold yet
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 02, 2021, 12:14:25 PM
Your dad had a 'You don't have to be crazy to work here... but it helps!' poster hanging on his office wall. Actually it is still hanging there, rather poignantly, after his firing.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 02, 2021, 12:32:53 PM
Crafting low-vis tabards.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Cuellar on June 02, 2021, 07:21:12 PM
Your old dad's been humping away for hours now
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: The Mollusk on June 02, 2021, 07:47:25 PM
Your dad’s in the kitchen knocking up his signature spag bol (secret ingredient is a splash of balsamic). He’s got Radio X on and he pauses from stirring the ragu to exclaim “Ohh top tune!” like in the voice of the dog off the Churchill adverts. The song is “Sandstorm” by Cast.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 02, 2021, 09:29:21 PM
Your dad has a mug that says "When I said 'til death do us part....... I never thought I'd live this long!!!!!" on it, but the joke is on him because the picture is of a woman crying.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: seepage on June 02, 2021, 09:43:36 PM
Your dad reckons he can solve all the World's problems just using the curly brackets in Excel.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 02, 2021, 09:52:17 PM
You bring a guest home for dinner and your dad lists all of the drugs he’s ever taken: Marijuana, Vix Vapor rub and an E.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 02, 2021, 10:29:56 PM
Your dad is in hive mind with the croats
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 02, 2021, 11:05:54 PM
Your dad has done something to his arse to make it billow around the place, and a security system built into it so that if anyone tries to steal it a permanent crease will appear, defacing it
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on June 02, 2021, 11:56:01 PM
Your dad has repaired a horse with ronseal.

Your dad is incredulous towards the attitude of the moon.

Your dad absolutely blows his top over the state of a pair of telsa coils.

Your dad blew out his asshole dancing to The Police.

Your dad has impregnated a sack of potatoes with his "generous fluid".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on June 03, 2021, 01:30:23 AM
Your Dad is soft as shit, and my Dad could definitely twat him.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 03, 2021, 04:12:48 AM
Your dad enjoys a bag of Haribo Starmix while he organises his old Tiger annuals in chronological order.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Pink Gregory on June 03, 2021, 02:04:26 PM
your dad punches bluebottles out of the air and blows on his fingers like they're a gun
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 03, 2021, 02:13:51 PM
Your dad’s claim that he puts mayonnaise on everything falls apart under the mildest of questioning.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 03, 2021, 03:42:42 PM
Your dad likes wearing womens' clothing. Nothing wrong with that.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on June 03, 2021, 07:23:51 PM
Your dad says you smell like a ponce.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 03, 2021, 07:31:22 PM
Your dad shouts “road trip!” for every journey longer than walking to the kitchen.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 03, 2021, 08:39:52 PM
Your dad finds an old Marillion concert ticket in a shoe box and sighs wistfully.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 04, 2021, 06:11:09 AM
Your dad is staring out the kitchen window. "I swear that shed is getting smaller."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 04, 2021, 07:02:28 AM
Your dad likes the shape of his shadow
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 04, 2021, 04:10:01 PM
Your dad submits an audition tape for Gladiators but hears nothing back, not even a courtesy letter. I guess good manners couldn’t make it up the travelator! Harrumph.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on June 04, 2021, 04:21:18 PM
Your mum does the carrots in mustard and honey, prompting your dad to describe this week's roast as "foreign muck".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 04, 2021, 08:18:47 PM
Your parents come over for dinner and the minute they're in the door your day is checking the boiler under the stairs. "When did you last have this serviced?"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 04, 2021, 08:35:37 PM
Your uncle reminisces about finding your dad in autumnal brambles, three days into a Castelmaine xxxx bender. "He would have been dead by dawn if we hadn't found him. Daft 'apeth." Your dad chuckles.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 04, 2021, 08:40:41 PM
your dad routinely pops you and your siblings in front of Bugsy Malone to check whether you are gay

"if it worked when you were 11 then it's good now," he says
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 04, 2021, 08:42:23 PM
Your dad buys the grandkids a train set, "give them a break from playing that blooming playbox video machine all day!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 05, 2021, 11:13:28 PM
Your dad uses an old but still in date gift voucher to buy a pair of cream slacks in Marks & Sparks.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on June 05, 2021, 11:19:32 PM
Your dad has almost completed the project he started in 1988 to replace all his vinyl albums with CDs.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jenna appleseed on June 05, 2021, 11:36:03 PM
Your dad has almost completed the project he started in 1988 to replace all his vinyl albums with CDs.

What's that, Son? I missed the memo 10 years ago that I'm meant to be selling off all the cds to music magpie and re-replacing them with new fangled vinyl, again?
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 05, 2021, 11:46:05 PM
Your dad finds old camping equipment, "Ooh, that'll come in handy!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Utterdrivel on June 05, 2021, 11:52:59 PM
Your dad orders 60kg of Huel and puts it under a cloth in the garage.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on June 06, 2021, 01:24:29 AM
Your Dad is standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror, proudly admiring his erect penis.



He's forgotten to lock the bathroom door.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 06, 2021, 02:08:29 AM
Your dad's favourite show of all time is Cash in the Attic, "Masterly."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 06, 2021, 08:01:58 AM
Your dad has an Enemies List and number one offender is Paddington. “I’ll give him a hard stare, I’ll push him down a whole flight of hard stairs.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 06, 2021, 01:06:22 PM
Your dad adds a conservatory to the house while everyone is at the cinema.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 07, 2021, 01:28:10 PM
Your dad refers to anyone from the Middle-East as "dusky".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 07, 2021, 01:48:49 PM
Your dad is a fervent purveyor of the local Wetherspoons because he doesn’t realise it’s a Wetherspoons.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 07, 2021, 01:50:13 PM
Your dad is striding about the local garden centre in a barely-concealed rage.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: seepage on June 07, 2021, 06:04:00 PM
Your dad's gone and bought a case of "less than half price" Daily Mail claret again.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 07, 2021, 06:14:47 PM
Your dad’s getting into pickling in a big way. “Careful son if you sit still long enough he’ll pickle you,” your mum laughs, but casts a nervous eye at the six-foot jar in the drive.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 07, 2021, 06:20:33 PM
your dad has sealed off the kitchen so that he can complete the installation of his wheat puff exuder in peace
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 07, 2021, 06:27:10 PM
Your dad is telling his grandkids, "Guys, can I just shock you? Big Nirvana fan."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 07, 2021, 06:59:02 PM
your dad is like this:   walkers crisps eh, nice crisps aren't they.  walkers they do a good crisp don't they right



he's clearly never seen a walkers crisp in all his days
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 07, 2021, 07:02:20 PM
Your dad has a load of rap CDs on his living room shelf, but they're just the covers and the discs are all classic rock albums.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 07, 2021, 07:04:59 PM
your dad is investing all his money (and your inheritance) into finding an oven chip longer than seven inches
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 07, 2021, 07:43:14 PM
Your dad's favourite genre of music is elevator muzak. "Good, no-nonsense and practical, does the job."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 07, 2021, 07:48:24 PM
Whenever he’s had a few ales your dad laments the passing of the lickable stamp.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 07, 2021, 08:09:34 PM
"Bring back the old 1970's comedians, I say," says your dad. "No stupid clever clogs 'alternative' nonsense, just good, proper jokes."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 07, 2021, 08:15:01 PM
About town your dad acquires the nickname ‘Landfill’ and tells anyone who asks to “not worry about it.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 07, 2021, 09:02:44 PM
your dad has perfected the secret art of keeping a thin piano wire as a ponytail that goes down between his bumcheeks and back up towards the middle-front of his mouth as dental floss


he calls it "the midnight train" and i have no idea why
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 08, 2021, 12:59:48 AM
Your dad burns books at the weekend. "No independent thought."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 08, 2021, 02:21:06 PM
Your dad gets new knees and takes up crime fighting on the weekend, “Google calendar permitting.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 10, 2021, 10:46:02 PM
your dad is saying that he has already seen ghostbusters afterlife because your grandfather has been to america and brought back a load of tapes but he isn't allowed to show you because the FBI has forbidden him from sharing them
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 10, 2021, 10:49:40 PM
Your dad's eyes are popping out at a music video with sexy woman dancing suggestively. "You'd have to ask for something from 'under the counter' in the video shop to see that kind of thing in my day!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 11, 2021, 11:11:05 AM
your dad is hopping around with a laser pointer and blipping people in the eyes as bantz
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 11, 2021, 11:19:30 AM
Your dad is waxing nostalgic about the Sega Mega Drive. "You'd come home from school and watch Pokémon, then stick on the Sega Mega Drive. Okay I'd come home from work and watch videotaped episodes of Pokémon and play my kids' Sega Mega Drive, but I still look back on my cusp-of-forty days with fondness."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 11, 2021, 12:13:51 PM
your dad is throwing all kinds of shapes!!


*edd the duck*  wow!

*gordon the gopher*  much the same shape but wowee!



he’s out of control!!!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 11, 2021, 12:15:07 PM
your dad is on the roof of your childhood home bellowing the “kidnap the Santa Claus” song from Nightmare Before Christmas
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 11, 2021, 12:16:44 PM
"Who remembers the Tweenies? Forty-odd I was - with the emphasis on 'odd'!"

Nobody is laughing.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on June 11, 2021, 12:20:57 PM

Your dad is causing mischief in an arboretum in a vivid state of sexual arousal.

Your dad has dug a hole in the lawn looking for peace.

Your dad detests a joyful summer, and longs for the misery of spring.

Your dad contemplates the end of Eastenders.

Your dad defiles the Walter Scott monument with a barrel of pigshit for undisclosed reasons.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 11, 2021, 01:04:51 PM
your dad is taking an angle grinder to his anus
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 11, 2021, 01:05:34 PM
your dad remembers simon and the witch and keeps asking if you do as well



how did the theme tune go oh yeah “ba-da ba-da-badda boh-doh doh-boooh”


remember it, haha.  it went “ba-da ba-da-badda boh-doh doh-boooh” remember
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on June 12, 2021, 01:48:05 PM
Your dad is going round all the gyms in town asking if he can collect their arse sweat. Says he can use it to make a magic potion. Lifetime ban from five and counting.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 12, 2021, 08:25:24 PM
Your dad is attempting to indoctrinate you into sharing all his fetishes
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 12, 2021, 08:34:49 PM
You dad can bend spoons but won’t because of a deep-rooted fear that Uri Geller will find out and bend him.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 13, 2021, 03:31:03 PM
Every time a non-white presenter pops up on TV, your dad says words to effect of "once again, the BBC filling their quota."

"But dad, this is ITV!"

"Once again, ITV filling their quota."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 13, 2021, 03:39:54 PM
your dad habitually summons a torque-mandate upon the family home.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 13, 2021, 03:41:29 PM
Every time you mention anything to do with the arts or pop culture, your dad does this passive-aggressive thing where he makes a weird grunt and gravitates towards the shed.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 14, 2021, 06:12:49 AM
Your dad is in great mood after staying glued to the GB News launch night for hours and hours and hours.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 14, 2021, 02:17:43 PM
Your dad is making lots of noise with a sander while you're trying to watch a film.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 14, 2021, 07:58:38 PM
your dad still his baby "milk" penis
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 14, 2021, 08:27:23 PM
Your dad thinks the best Batman was Ben Affleck, “you can tell he really knew how to make sure a hoodlum took all his meals through a straw.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 15, 2021, 03:38:56 PM
Your dad is insistent you sign an online petition to release the Snyder Cut.

“It’s been released Dad, it’s out.” But he’s already away to talk to mum.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 15, 2021, 07:28:05 PM
Your dad is hoping Richard Littlejohn joins the GB News team. "I'd love to be invited on as a member of the public, I'd be like, 'It's great to have you back on our screens Richard, it's been too long,' I'd be tearing up and everything."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 16, 2021, 04:42:48 PM
Your dad is trying to riff on the idea of being a spontaneous, chucklesome man by snatching lines from various comedy shows that he obviously hasn’t understood.  His most recent one is to remark of anyone who annoys him:  “If they say that again, I’ll do to them what Alexander the Great’s Chief Eunuch once did to me.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on June 16, 2021, 06:29:40 PM
Your dad is in a huff because his favourite type of shipping container is being discontinued.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: popcorn on June 16, 2021, 11:37:12 PM
Your dad is reminiscing about "Virtual Cop".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on June 16, 2021, 11:52:32 PM
Your Dad has just stuck a hair across the fridge door like in James Bond, so he'll know if anyone's been eating his assorted hams.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: touchingcloth on June 16, 2021, 11:54:32 PM
Your dad is claiming that 95% of the piss in Piss Christ is his piss.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 17, 2021, 04:39:21 AM
Your dad discovers a Hornby fan forum. This changes everything.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on June 17, 2021, 06:40:35 AM
Your dad discovers a Michael Ball fan forum. Love changes everything.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: touchingcloth on June 17, 2021, 06:41:35 AM
Your dad is absolutely reeking of cum. His own? Sure, if you like.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: willbo on June 17, 2021, 07:23:38 AM
He's watching Thunderbirds. But he's a 2021 dad so it's one of the modern CGI versions he feels nostalgic for.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 17, 2021, 11:36:38 AM
Your dad is locked in his 'study' (the shed), 'doing some work' (wanking).

"Oh hello son, you're back from Uncle Jim's early!"

"No dad, we've been gone nine hours. Have you been wanking the full nine hours the rest of the family have been away?"

Your dad looks shamefaced.

"Yes, son. Yes, I have."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on June 18, 2021, 05:45:31 PM
Your dad has bagged three golds in the paedophile olympics.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on June 19, 2021, 08:44:51 PM
Just saw your dad driving an army surplus tank down the high street. Said he was off to annex the Sudetenland and to tell your mum he won't be back in time for dinner.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 19, 2021, 11:00:16 PM
Your mate Dave is good with DIY and never really gets your sense of 'humour'. He has just applied to join the army. Your dad secretly wishes Dave was his son, not you.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 20, 2021, 07:16:14 AM
You're out for a drive with your dad when a police car flies past.

"He's not gonna sell much ice cream going-"

"-DAD!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 20, 2021, 09:20:01 AM
Kicking dirt in the garden, disconsolately. Is he ok? No idea. Don't care. His tea's going cold and the cheese sandwiches are curling. All the things he did. I hope he steps on that rake.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 20, 2021, 09:25:12 AM
Up at 4am to drive to Cornwall. 6 hours in you hear him swear for the first and last time. "Fuck it," he says, quite calmly. The concrete pillar.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 20, 2021, 09:30:31 AM
Undead in his cheap coffin, enduring a eulogy.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 20, 2021, 09:31:59 AM
Your arty, sensitive friend Maurice drops around just as the big match is about to begin.

"Really looking forward to this, what about you, Maurice?" your dad asks Maurice.

"Oh I'm not really interested in football or sport in general, my mate's dad."

Your dad immediately stops talking to Maurice. In fact it's like he's refusing to acknowledge Maurice is even in the room.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 20, 2021, 09:32:13 AM
They've been trained to ignore the knocking and struggles. Into the fire, then the grinder.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 20, 2021, 09:36:27 AM
"Churning" would seem to be the best description. Over and over. Fragments of knuckles or perhaps they were knees. Still he screams, but no-one can hear. On fire, ground apart. Curse you all. Curse you all.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 20, 2021, 09:43:46 AM
A spirit of meanness, haunting car parks.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 20, 2021, 09:45:58 AM
The one thing - the only thing - you and your dad agree on is that Mr. Bean is not funny.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 20, 2021, 09:47:46 AM
Yes, the Bean-themed funeral was deliberate. We all knew. All of us. Into the flames with your fury.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 20, 2021, 09:50:02 AM
Stir thy gravel, fiend. Rage impotently at poorly-parked cars. Forever.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 20, 2021, 10:05:32 AM
"It's Father's Day you cunt!" screams the flaming spectre at your window. But perhaps you were dreaming. No. A plague of poltergeist activity follows.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 20, 2021, 10:08:32 AM
Your dad wakes everyone up at 6AM by hammering loudly in the garden.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 20, 2021, 10:09:54 AM
Year after year. We learn that the ghast can be sated with the remnants of a chocolate box and an unsigned card, from Morrisons.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on June 20, 2021, 10:23:53 AM
Coming to terms with the edit bug.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 20, 2021, 11:31:11 AM
Your dad visits you in the ICU when you are run over by a truck.

"Apparently you're not going to make it son, so I just wanted to tell you that I think you were an okay bloke, generally," he says, shaking your limp hand. He leaves the room whistling.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on June 20, 2021, 01:28:18 PM
A little pause to wish all dads a happy birthday.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 20, 2021, 01:44:48 PM
Your dad is chuckling at Fred Basset in The Mail on Sunday while the smell of Bisto wafts from the kitchen. It's a somewhat reactionary yet admittedly comforting moment.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 20, 2021, 01:58:31 PM
Your dad visits you in the ICU when you are run over by a truck.

"Apparently you're not going to make it son, so I just wanted to tell you that I think you were an okay bloke, generally," he says, shaking your limp hand. He leaves the room whistling.

The last words you hear are your dad sticking his head into the next room to ask, “Is the truck ok?”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 20, 2021, 02:48:18 PM
The last words you hear are your dad sticking his head into the next room to ask, “Is the truck ok?”

"Just trying to cheer you up son! Son?!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 21, 2021, 05:32:47 PM
Your dad has never heard of Batman. "Is that the one with the wings?"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 21, 2021, 05:41:36 PM
Your dad refuses to watch Mortimer & Whitehouse Gone Fishing because it’s a rip-off of an idea he submitted to the Beeb in 1992 about him and his mate Clive. “We went fishing son, how many ways do you want me to say it?!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 21, 2021, 05:56:26 PM
Your dad things he's really modern because he wears cream-coloured long shorts in the summer.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 21, 2021, 06:36:27 PM
your dad is thumbing through the argos catalogue as per usual when.... what the.... yes that's right, he sees his genitals in there.  i recognise these gentials, he says!  and before he can say WHOOSPIEDAISY someone places an order for his genitals and they vanish from his groin


the end
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 22, 2021, 08:34:35 AM
your dad has drawn up a schematic that you espy


must have taken him months to draw up - such detail in the scaling




there is a “date for activation” written at the bottom; it’s tomorrow!




you stand back a few feet to take in the entire schematic at once, and you realise that it’s a blueprint for your dad to sit on your face
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on June 22, 2021, 09:29:57 AM
Your dad takes a Facebook spirit animal test and bursts into tears because he doesn't feel like a hedgehog. "Prickly character, fuck's sake son I'm really trying here and this just dahhhh."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 22, 2021, 04:07:08 PM
Your dad takes a Facebook spirit animal test and bursts into tears because he doesn't feel like a hedgehog. "Prickly character, fuck's sake son I'm really trying here and this just dahhhh."

Heh!

"Hey dad, just looking at your driver's licence photo... you look like a serial killer!"

"What?! That's a terrible thing to say!"

"Just joking dad, everyone's driver's licence/passport photo is terrible!"

"No... no... you shouldn't say things like that!"

"It was just a joke, dad! I don't really think you look like a serial killer!"

Your dad is so angry he has to go into the shed and saw for an hour to calm down.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 23, 2021, 02:42:23 PM
Your dad relives his youth by blasting a The Waterboys compilation and drinking a 2lt of scrumpy jack.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 23, 2021, 08:30:51 PM
your dad is yelling this:


"I SHOW MY COCK ON YOU"


"I SHOW MY COCK ON YOU"



"I SHOW MY COCK ON YOU"




the sentence formation is very strange and I'm finding it a bit off-putting
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 25, 2021, 07:55:28 PM
Your dad's leisurely browse around B&Q is brought to an abrupt halt by a rogue chainsaw.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 26, 2021, 02:43:34 PM
Your dad always splashes on some Hugo Boss, as it makes him "the Man of Today."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 26, 2021, 10:23:35 PM
Imagine if this thread was started today, and how different it would be
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 26, 2021, 11:14:42 PM
Your dad is saying "Oh man, Crash Bandicoot... I was entering middle-age when that came out, but great memories nevertheless!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 27, 2021, 10:52:39 PM
"So it is it still cool to be gay?" asks your dad.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 28, 2021, 01:10:42 PM
Your dad is like “kiiidnap the santa claus, put him in a baaag,” and as he sings it he’s rhythmically scraping a length of snapped knicker elastic up and down between his buttocks in a flossing action
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jobotic on June 28, 2021, 01:25:18 PM
"So it is it still cool to be gay?" asks your dad.

While pouting at the hall mirror, daintily flicking his ear hair and, for some reason, humming the Birdie Song.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 28, 2021, 02:06:02 PM
Your dad puts you up for adoption, signing off with "Being your dad was exhilarating."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Cuellar on June 28, 2021, 02:41:32 PM
Your dad sends you a text (text, mind):

"Being in your mum, son, was exhilarating."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 28, 2021, 05:03:48 PM
your dad's favourite TV programme is "everyone on youtube putting everything in resin"



"lego man, coloured pencils, you name it," he says, excitedly.  "everything in resin, son!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 28, 2021, 05:31:59 PM
your dad is gonna get a free PS5 even if it kills him
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 28, 2021, 06:44:26 PM
your dad is promising you a generous inflation of your allowance if you agree to use your "influence as a younger person" to get the new songs he has suddenly recorded "out in the public sphere and making a fortune".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 28, 2021, 06:45:58 PM
your dad confesses to being "a bit of a stickler for milf porns"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 28, 2021, 09:24:34 PM
your dad’s new way of securing a second date is to tell them that they have got him pregnant
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 28, 2021, 10:34:11 PM
the only way your dad can alleviate his lower back pain and associated hip inflammation is to hold his buttock cheeks open
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 29, 2021, 12:22:08 PM
your dad is dancing around your living room and bouncing on your sofa in only his pants during a little visit of a few days, to lift some of his wound-up tensions generated by all the tight covid restrictions.  Listening closely, you can hear that he is tunelessly murmuring “fruitella, too juicy for your dad”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on June 29, 2021, 02:48:52 PM
Your dad cries every time you play the Cadbury's Fruit & Nut 'Everyone's a Fruit & Nut case' ads with Frank Muir on YouTube. "These are cheap shots son... you shouldn't do that to me."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on June 30, 2021, 11:45:00 AM
your dad is expressing feigned enthusiasm about funko pops even though you have never mentioned them yourself


“Oooohh son there’s a mister meeseeks funko pop, we should get that one.  We could share it like we share loads of stuff.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: seepage on July 02, 2021, 12:18:08 PM
Your dad is trying to digest tonight's ASDA Extra Special cottage pie carton. "Just doing my bit for the planet, son".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 02, 2021, 12:50:31 PM
Your dad wears a jacket that says "AXE WIELDING PAEDO" on the back of it. He mumbles something about how the "HUNTER" bit on the end fell off, but we all know.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 02, 2021, 12:53:58 PM
Your dad is described by a crown court judge as "the author of his own misery" but we all know that shit is ghostwritten.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 02, 2021, 04:57:19 PM
your dad is in his mancave "inventing prince of persia 2, son"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 03, 2021, 05:43:41 PM
Your dad puts an old Lionel Richie compilation on whilst stuck in a traffic jam on the way to Halfords.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 03, 2021, 10:32:40 PM
Your dad storms through the living room in a dress, grumbling "We all have to make an effort to be 'trans' now, don't we?"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 04, 2021, 11:32:37 AM
your dad loves bonzi buddy
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 04, 2021, 11:53:28 AM
your dad has found an entirely new stairwell in his home, with at least three more rooms leading off from it.  completely lacking in adventure, his first and only impulse is to fart within the stairwell and never go back there because he forgets all about it
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 04, 2021, 10:29:56 PM
Your dad is telling you to shush. "That sounds like dripping. Can you hear that?" In no time he's under the sink with a wrench.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: popcorn on July 05, 2021, 11:17:58 AM
Your dad admires the carpentry of Japanese temples. "That's one piece of wood, that," he says.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 05, 2021, 05:20:55 PM
your dad is absolutely wild about the great taste sensation that is palm oil


turn to page 31 to find out why!!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 05, 2021, 07:53:10 PM
your dad's favourite beverage is Tab Clear
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Cuellar on July 06, 2021, 05:40:39 PM
Your dad gets privatised and the quality drops noticeably
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 06, 2021, 07:46:10 PM
Your dad almost fades into oblivion but is rescued by a glitch in the reality matrix.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 06, 2021, 09:01:32 PM
your dad keeps falsetto singing 'honey nut loops, let's loop together' and nudge-winking your best mate's mum
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 06, 2021, 09:04:02 PM
Your dad says he is "nostalgic for Grimes." Celebrates his 72nd birthday next week.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 07, 2021, 09:22:39 AM
Your dad escalates a flame war with Fred Dinenage's brother-in-law on a forum about scuba gear.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 07, 2021, 11:32:52 AM
Half-way through a wolf whistle your dad forgets how it ends.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 07, 2021, 11:40:29 AM
Your dad wishes that "Charlie Dimmock was still on Gardeners' World. It'd give me two reasons to watch it - Charlie Dimmock and the gardening!"

"According to Wiki dad, it was Ground Force, not Gardeners' World, that Charlie Dimmock was on."

Your dad ignores you and continues to smile blankly at Pointless.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 07, 2021, 12:42:11 PM
Your dad stands out like a rotten leg of lamb amongst the tanned girls who work alongside him at the nail salon
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 07, 2021, 12:48:28 PM
Your dad says he's going to start charging the cat tuition fees if it doesn't stop watching him make sandwiches.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on July 07, 2021, 12:52:11 PM
Your dad's gonna blow!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on July 07, 2021, 12:59:04 PM
Your dad keeps leaving post-it notes with pieces of homespun mechanical wisdom on them for you to see: ‘a greased valve is a happy valve’ or ‘never make assumptions about a piston’.

He’s quite right though.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on July 07, 2021, 01:02:44 PM
Your dad has been eating nothing but candy floss for breakfast, lunch and dinner for several weeks.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 07, 2021, 01:15:20 PM
Half-way through a wolf whistle your dad forgets how it ends.

That’s what a real wolf whistle sounds like though.  I bet he accidentally got it right by doing his trademarked question mark noise and simply stopping.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 07, 2021, 01:17:33 PM
Your dad has been eating nothing but candy floss for breakfast, lunch and dinner for several weeks.

Ah, yes.  The Fairground Foods Father, they call them when this happens
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Cuellar on July 07, 2021, 01:24:48 PM
Your dad has climbed onto the reduced shelf in Tesco.

"10p off," he warbles at passers by
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on July 07, 2021, 02:38:31 PM
Your dad has offended my family, and he has offended the Shaolin Temple.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 07, 2021, 02:42:29 PM
Your dad dresses up as Jar Jar Binks and starts describing hardware he likes as "mooi-mooi good!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 07, 2021, 09:40:35 PM
Resting his back discs after an unspecified adventure.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 07, 2021, 09:47:00 PM
Scouring car boot sales for a working VHS player to relive his youth, wanking to that scene in An American Werewolf in London.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on July 07, 2021, 11:00:10 PM
Scouring car boot sales for a working VHS player to relive his youth, wanking to that scene in An American Werewolf in London.

The bit where he's naked in the park?
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 07, 2021, 11:45:18 PM
Your dad suggests "they do an advertising campaign to make DIY 'cool' to young people. They could get Alvin Stardust to do it, doing a thumbs up and going, 'Come on, gang! Get into DIY - O.K.?' And you can send off for a free DIY pack with six tokens in special packs of Weetabix. Plus £1.49 P&P."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 08, 2021, 12:48:17 AM
The bit where he's naked in the park?

Actually, he's always had a thing for severed heads bouncing off a vehicular bonnet.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 08, 2021, 12:52:08 AM
Your dad suggests "they do an advertising campaign to make DIY 'cool' to young people. They could get Alvin Stardust to do it, doing a thumbs up and going, 'Come on, gang! Get into DIY - O.K.?' And you can send off for a free DIY pack with six tokens in special packs of Weetabix. Plus £1.49 P&P."

I fucking hate my dad.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 08, 2021, 03:44:55 AM
Your dad thinks Thor: The Dark World is "the best superhero's movie of all time."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: dr beat on July 08, 2021, 01:29:17 PM
He was doing this last night:

https://twitter.com/chunkymark/status/1413009504539656193
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Cuellar on July 08, 2021, 01:39:47 PM
Your dad is operating a chainsaw at 8am to the annoyance of the entire street
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 08, 2021, 04:53:07 PM
your dad is smacking a Sega 32x around the place in an apparent fury.  Rattling it along railings and angrily trying to flex it back and forth so it cracks.  Something seems to have triggered him but he isn’t using his words.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: popcorn on July 08, 2021, 04:59:02 PM
your dad is smacking a Sega 32x around the place in an apparent fury.  Rattling it along railings and angrily trying to flex it back and forth so it cracks.  Something seems to have triggered him but he isn’t using his words.

It is because he has realised he should have got a Mega Drive 32X for his PAL Mega Drive.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on July 08, 2021, 05:34:29 PM
Your dad claims he is looking at the NastyGal.com lingerie section "for the articles".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 08, 2021, 05:45:25 PM
Your dad is raging because a yellow sweater he wanted to buy is gone from Marks & Sparks.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 08, 2021, 06:16:52 PM
It is because he has realised he should have got a Mega Drive 32X for his PAL Mega Drive.

This sounds very likely
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 08, 2021, 07:37:21 PM
Your dad has a thing for The Spice Girls. "They're like the Legs & Co. for the modern era!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jenna appleseed on July 09, 2021, 12:06:41 AM
Your dad has climbed onto the reduced shelf in Tesco.

"10p off," he warbles at passers by

Is Martin Lewis my dad now?
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jenna appleseed on July 09, 2021, 12:08:21 AM
Your dad is paint the whole forum orange, he has no idea why but says
'other people were doing it so it must be the lastest in thing, don't want to look out of touch, do I?'
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 09, 2021, 12:30:39 PM
your dad is a cuck


he has been told this, he doesn’t know what it means and he is jokingly making chicken noises, thinking that everyone is laughing with him rather than at him
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: non capisco on July 10, 2021, 01:41:10 AM
Your dad is dancing about in his garden listening to Baby I Love Your Way by Big Mountain and shouting "Jah Rastafari!"

Later he confides in you that "That was the 'eaviest dub mi can handle."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: non capisco on July 10, 2021, 01:45:00 AM
Your dad is having a memory wank.

It is a memory wank about Ms. Pacman.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 10, 2021, 08:20:57 AM
your dad is saying that when his male menopause comes he won’t need to shave anymore
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 10, 2021, 09:45:50 AM
your dad is getting the hang of screensavers
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 10, 2021, 12:15:20 PM
your dad is getting the hang of screensavers

The black tarpaulin is workin' wonders. Wonders. Safe now.

Safe.

No don't look at it!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on July 10, 2021, 01:12:10 PM
Your dad is giving his perineum a bloody good scrub.

Your dad has cooked a slap-up dinner for his own tombstone.

Your dad is lost inside a mirror.

Your dad has found nine identical clouds.

Your dad has been caught having a posh wank inside a boglin.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 10, 2021, 02:34:27 PM
your dad is up dancing on the tables his local, and as usual:  cock out, squidging it so that it looks like Louis CK’s face
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jobotic on July 10, 2021, 03:37:54 PM
Your dad has told another dad that his dad could have the other dad's dad in a fight. But the other dad didn't hear him.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 11, 2021, 12:39:20 AM
Your dad has climbed onto the reduced shelf in Tesco.

"10p off," he warbles at passers by

Hmm, that's dosent sound like him at all

MY dad??
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 11, 2021, 05:05:58 PM
Turning the shampoo and shower gel bottles to face the tiles so they can't see his naked body.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 11, 2021, 05:42:29 PM
your dad has saved up a few coins during lockdown so is eyeing up a range of marble soap dispenser holders
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 11, 2021, 06:03:46 PM
Turning the shampoo and shower gel bottles to face the tiles so they can't see his naked body.

That's a little TOO matey for my liking!
He thinks, giving the sailor a sharp turn

The sailor on the other side of the bottle is revdaled to him as he does this

I see this isn't your first rodeo sailor
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 11, 2021, 11:43:39 PM
"I've always hated the Italians, bloody fascists."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 12, 2021, 12:34:35 PM
Concealing information.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 12, 2021, 12:50:59 PM
your dad is shuffling a load of papers under his mattress at the merest hint of noises in the house
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 12, 2021, 12:55:56 PM
That's a little TOO matey for my liking!
He thinks, giving the sailor a sharp turn

The sailor on the other side of the bottle is revdaled to him as he does this

I see this isn't your first rodeo sailor

He is roleplaying in the garden again. His dwarven cleric is trying to lighten the mood during a fraught ocean voyage. There are props, but no other players.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 12, 2021, 04:16:03 PM
your dad has “tent vest” caused by stretching all his vests with his tummy and then shedding all his body fat in a matter of weeks
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 12, 2021, 05:08:14 PM
Morning of 12th July 2021:  your dad is now immensely excited about football and is trying to gee all his pals into tagging along with him.  “C’mon lads, haha, where’s your patriotic spirit?  Football’s coming home it’s coming home, haha!  What a blast eh lads!!”


Sounds quite good on paper, but don’t forget he associates football with standing around in the icy cold in only his underpants.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Cuellar on July 13, 2021, 02:11:57 PM
Your dad has been sending filthy DMs to a local reverend
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 15, 2021, 06:27:41 AM
It turns out your dad is an absolutely huge romcom fan, and has an entire shelving unit filled with DVDs of everything from Love, Actually to P.S I Love You. He presumptuously invites your gay friend Henry around for a "girls night-in style binge watch" but Henry politely turns him down. "It's your loss Henry, bottle of Tesco wine and a large bag of Maltesers going begging!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on July 15, 2021, 12:49:38 PM
Your dad has been soliciting sex from a gnome.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 15, 2021, 12:52:21 PM
your dad is sprawled out on the floor playing hungry hippoes with himself
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Kankurette on July 15, 2021, 12:53:33 PM
Your dad ate all the glace cherries you were going to be using for that cake and now you have to buy some more.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 15, 2021, 05:36:29 PM
your dad is proud of having just watched alien resurrection.  "my first alien film!" he is beaming, and he's vowing to watch alien vs predator next
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 15, 2021, 05:37:13 PM
Your dad ate all the glace cherries you were going to be using for that cake and now you have to buy some more.

this sounds to me like a true one that you are bitter about
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 15, 2021, 06:45:55 PM
your dad has finally found a disney film that is right up his street:  song of the south

"i feel like i am finally fully embracing alternative cultures," he is proudly exclaiming.  "you and your 'wake' friends might not be so wrong after all!!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 15, 2021, 11:39:52 PM
Your dad keeps saying "sucks ass," even when he's describing things he likes.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: touchingcloth on July 15, 2021, 11:43:17 PM
Your dad keeps saying "sucks ass," even when he's describing things he likes.

When he tries to describe things he hates, he says that they “suck him off”.

“I can’t stand that Alan Sugar. He sucks me off all the time.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Kankurette on July 16, 2021, 12:36:15 AM
Your dad’s been in his shed for five hours and he’s been ominously quiet, save for the odd grunt.
this sounds to me like a true one that you are bitter about
Amazingly, this has never happened. And it’s more the sort of thing my brother would do.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: non capisco on July 16, 2021, 12:48:34 AM
You just went in your dad's shed and found this written on a sheet of A4 on his shed desk

GRAHAM'S RULES FOR 2021

1. STOP LOSING YOUR TEMPER

2. DEMONSTRATE YOUR S.C.I.L
STANCE
CONFIDENCE
INTELLIGENCE
LOVE

3. STOP DRAWING PICTURES OF MINNIE MOUSE AND THEN WANKING
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 16, 2021, 07:54:11 AM
your dad has started a new job where his trousers are so thick he can’t smell his own farts, and it’s making him livid
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: BlodwynPig on July 16, 2021, 08:31:35 AM
Your dad has inexplicably left the family home and moved in with Jethro, the village bum. “Just a couple of cool lads having some banter and beers in their twilight years, son. None of those pesky wimmin harping on at us anymore” he says, as you notice a pair of spandex jodhpurs poking out of the ancient suitcase.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Kankurette on July 16, 2021, 10:39:27 AM
Your dad has stopped selling Avon and is now selling Body Shop instead.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 16, 2021, 08:10:10 PM
Your dad is making lots of noise in the front garden all Sunday from early morning into the late evening. He is a cunt.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 16, 2021, 09:57:02 PM
Your dad will not stop his war on bacteria. ARE CHILDREN BACTERIA he types in all caps on Quora and sits there refreshing the page thinking "hurry up it's coming near me again"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 16, 2021, 10:28:52 PM
"Dad, what's ballbagging?"

"I'll tell you when you're older, son."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: BlodwynPig on July 17, 2021, 09:10:47 AM
"Dad, what's ballbagging?"

"I'll show you when you're older, son."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Pink Gregory on July 17, 2021, 10:52:16 AM
Your dad's singing I want to break free and he means it.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 17, 2021, 01:23:21 PM
Your dad is on a Lipton iced tea drip.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 17, 2021, 01:45:31 PM
Your dad's got a football signed by 'David Beckons'.

Says he met him in a casino, at the big wheel bit. Not like he is only telly son, he was dead brainy. Cleaned up fucking proper large and bought everyone a scotch egg off the savoury trolley.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 17, 2021, 03:46:02 PM
Your dad keeps a record of the amount of earwax he produces each month. "And it's a LOT, son/daughter/No Gender [delete as applicable]."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 17, 2021, 03:56:15 PM
your dad's latest mission is to fill up all the holes in a crunchie bar with milk
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 17, 2021, 04:08:15 PM
Vacuuming an intransigent pair of pants.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: bgmnts on July 17, 2021, 04:09:11 PM
Rotting in the loft.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Z on July 17, 2021, 04:18:48 PM
Your dad mines dragging on a spliff and notes that in his youth he wasn't averse to a bit of the old 430.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 17, 2021, 06:12:31 PM
"Completely ignore yah!"

You are walked down the street with your dad, who is delighted because he has the delusional notion that all the girls are "checking me out!," whilst ignoring you, his son. "You just didn't get my good genes! Completely ignore yah!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: non capisco on July 17, 2021, 06:22:52 PM
Your dad is sat in the car, stationary in the driveway, listening to this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgg_01YgV5s) with hot tears trickling down his quivering cheeks.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 17, 2021, 06:25:49 PM
Your dad is sat in the car, stationary in the driveway, listening to this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgg_01YgV5s) with hot diarrhoea trickling down his quivering cheeks.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 17, 2021, 06:47:57 PM
Your dad is sat in the car, stationary in the driveway, listening to this (https://soundcloud.com/hamfist-4200220/ultimate-sausage-goes-glumph-along-a-laneway?in=hamfist-4200220/sets/clowne-the-musical) with hot tears trickling down his quivering cheeks.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 18, 2021, 12:22:08 AM
At various intervals throughout his life, your dad's eyes will glaze over and he will mutter " Get busy with the fizzy" under his breath.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Kankurette on July 18, 2021, 01:49:39 AM
Your dad has made moonshine from grass cuttings.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 18, 2021, 01:54:26 AM
Your dad is wearing a pair of tight Levi 501s and is singing and dancing around the living room to the Footloose soundtrack. He is absolutely pronouncing 'footloose' as "fudloose" and is really giving it socks with those 'ooh-ees'.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: BlodwynPig on July 18, 2021, 11:39:36 AM
Your dad, deep pink, naked and lumpen on the lawn neath clear blue skies, begins to levitate.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 18, 2021, 12:39:59 PM
your dad is joylessly watching all the jackass movies back to back in only his pants, and weeping


he always called this his "summer best"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 18, 2021, 12:48:50 PM
your dad is holding within his mouth all the toothpaste he could find in the entire house (and it is a sorority house)
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 18, 2021, 01:56:12 PM
your dad is wearing a cardboard mask of Prince Philip and jumping up and down on the sofa to The Vapors' Turning Japanese
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 18, 2021, 02:06:35 PM
Your dad is a bald Furby that tweets your name over and over.

Your dad is graded GENERIC on DadBay.

Your dad has started tagging buildings under the name 'Street Ronnie Barker'.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 19, 2021, 07:55:06 AM
your dad has drunk out of the aids beaker
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: BlodwynPig on July 19, 2021, 08:06:29 AM
Your dad has a Zen moment in Homebase. Its 1992 and you are just 4 years old.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 19, 2021, 12:38:30 PM
your dad thinks a Minnie the Minx costume would suit you, and is buying one
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 19, 2021, 06:49:09 PM
Your dad is enjoying his first ever slice of pizza. "Mmmm, tasty, though I wouldn't have it as a meal. Would make a nice treat for a 'movie night', though... we should have one of them, actually. Maybe Friday night. Does anyone have a video player? Oh I forgot, I'm banging things around in the shed that night. We'll take a 'rain check' on it, as the kids say!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Kankurette on July 19, 2021, 07:55:32 PM
Your dad dropkicked the neighbour's cat onto his barbecue.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 19, 2021, 08:35:30 PM
Your dad is a pretty solid dude
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: touchingcloth on July 19, 2021, 10:25:03 PM
Your dad things the phrase is “pop a crap in your ass”.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on July 19, 2021, 11:06:03 PM
He's been looking up some new plugins for his 'Cubase Rig'

What do you think of this plugin? I think there's some real potential there

https://mobile.twitter.com/jessehamel_/status/1417213947346817029
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 20, 2021, 02:20:31 PM
Your dad doesn't like "new computer films like that Matrix."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 20, 2021, 09:33:42 PM
Your dad has formed a spider with another dad in your building. You can hear them giggling inside the walls.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 20, 2021, 09:40:58 PM

Belated chuckles!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 21, 2021, 12:34:18 PM
your dad has just seen aladdin king of thieves and he is now wild-eyed and raving about it


“son, it’s magnificent!  it has songs, it has characters, and robin williams is back!!!  I absolutely cannot wait until part 4!!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 21, 2021, 12:44:49 PM
your dad has the biggest tits in the space museum
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on July 21, 2021, 06:47:58 PM
Your dad has had beaks grafted onto his kneecaps and when he squats down they whistle like kettles
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 21, 2021, 07:32:31 PM
He is entering an early autumnal mode: orange, yellow and crispy, all crumbly bits on the ground and filling out his vest.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 21, 2021, 07:47:11 PM
Edit bug

Making a late edit, in his pants.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on July 22, 2021, 12:03:55 PM
Your dad is gulping down laxatives. Says he wants to keep his sphincter in tip top condition.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 23, 2021, 07:19:18 PM
Your dad absolutely swears by Seven Seas multivitamins. "What's more, you don't have to travel the 'Seven Seas' to find them... they're available at all good chemists - NOW! Check y'local stockists!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 24, 2021, 04:42:28 PM
Your dad organises a recognisance mission around the garden, "Stay frosty."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 24, 2021, 07:56:37 PM
your dad is adamant that in all the james bond films james bond is referred to as “shrieking jack dante” by everyone he meets


and so he has managed to get into another flaming row about it now because he can’t let it go
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 24, 2021, 08:52:17 PM
your dad is trying his hardest to become addicted to cortisone.  not fully addicted yet!  but nearly!!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 25, 2021, 02:30:26 AM
You are out having a meal with your dad but he spends the whole time chatting to an attractive, middle-aged woman at the next table and saying "Can I just shock you?" about 12 times.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 25, 2021, 06:35:39 AM
Your dad has a YouTube channel where he unboxes new gardening equipment.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 25, 2021, 09:08:53 AM
testing out his new jizz powerhouse as he calls it
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 25, 2021, 06:59:23 PM
Your dad is being a chartered accountant and is a huge fan of Will & Grace.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 26, 2021, 10:20:46 PM
your dad is gritting his teeth in fury because he is convinced that cadbury's buttons have been discontinued


"THIS REPRESENTS ALL OF MY ADULT LIFE DOWN THE DRAIN" and he's kicking a hole into the skirting board
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 26, 2021, 10:38:01 PM
"Who remembers Paw Patrol?" smiles your dad. "Those policing pups were a joy to behold, 92 I am!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 26, 2021, 10:47:11 PM
"Who remembers Pups Parade?" he gasps, breathlessly.  "Absolutely incredible spin on the Bash Street Kids!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: non capisco on July 27, 2021, 12:04:54 AM
Your dad is grooving out to his favourite cassette tape, 'The Best Of 1990s Neighbours Incidental Music' (https://voca.ro/1lkLMUgrej6s)
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on July 27, 2021, 07:43:59 PM
Your dad is grooving out to his favourite cassette tape, 'The Best Of 1990s Neighbours Incidental Music' (https://voca.ro/1lkLMUgrej6s)

Brings back some memories, that does. It soundtracked many a classic scene. Des and Daphne going dogging in a lay-by outside Yarrawonga. Paul Robinson shooting up smack with Nick Cave behind Lassiters...
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 27, 2021, 07:55:53 PM
your dad is digging and digging and digging in his garden like a mole, tubing down beneath the foundations of the house.  thinks he's going to find treasure
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 27, 2021, 08:52:15 PM
Your dad has started wearing a Stetson and saying things like "No muss, no fuss," and "Always be ready to do a solid for your buddies."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 28, 2021, 02:38:58 PM
Your dad is watching episodes of Thief Takers he videotaped off the telly "back in the good old days."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 28, 2021, 06:54:18 PM
your dad is absolutely and unshakeably convinced that 'a wolf in sheep's clothing' is a reference to transvestites
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 28, 2021, 07:07:16 PM
Your dad is singing the Cagney & Lacey theme in the bath.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on July 29, 2021, 10:55:25 AM
your dad is digging and digging and digging in his garden like a mole, tubing down beneath the foundations of the house.  thinks he's going to find treasure

He's not wrong. That necklace around the skeletal throat of his ex-wife Janice is worth £50. More when it's cleaned.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on July 29, 2021, 05:34:11 PM
Your dad is strutting around the kitchen with his hands on his hips to the sound of the Bee Gees' 'Jive Talkin''. Then 'Ease on Down the Road' from The Wiz soundtrack comes on his mixtape and he's 'thumbing a lift'! Bellbottoms never looked so purple!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: KaraokeDragon on July 30, 2021, 10:34:18 AM
Your dad is blasting out Kid Frost - La Raza to make your girlfriend "feel more at home" even though she's a blonde racist from rural Castile
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 30, 2021, 11:35:40 AM
your dad has managed to obtain a vintage mr frosty frozen orange squash maker, and how!!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on July 31, 2021, 09:18:14 PM
your dad is now marketing calor gas on a voluntary basis
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jobotic on July 31, 2021, 10:15:20 PM
Your dad has started wearing a Stetson and saying things like "No muss, no fuss," and "Always be ready to do a solid for your buddies."

He just beheaded some nettles in the alley behind your garden with his electric strimmer whilst yeehawing "don't mess with Texas y'all".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Cuellar on August 01, 2021, 09:27:28 PM
Your dad is systematically murdering your friends and then he's gonna come for you so you better be goddamn ready alright
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 01, 2021, 09:32:23 PM
Your dad is systematically murdering your friends and then he's gonna come for you so you better be goddamn ready alright

Oh no…. I told him not to be inspired by ‘Game For A Laugh’. 
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Utterdrivel on August 02, 2021, 09:21:36 PM
Your dad insists on greeting you by slapping his fingers together and going BRRRRRRAP
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Utterdrivel on August 02, 2021, 09:45:21 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/4LaFdpl.jpg)
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 02, 2021, 10:31:42 PM
Your dad is sexually aroused by Turtle car wax. "It has to be specifically be Turtle brand though," he explains, temporarily losing tumesence.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 03, 2021, 01:03:55 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/4LaFdpl.jpg)

What’s the history behind this image please?  Is it photoshopped?
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on August 05, 2021, 04:44:22 PM
He is delivering the eulogy at a nearby wedding, no matter how much they complain.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on August 05, 2021, 05:22:02 PM
Spending a long weekend in a haunted castle. It's a bucket-formed sandcastle of his own middle-aged waste, and the ghost is his cock.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 06, 2021, 05:26:00 AM
You watch your dad painting the skirting board in the hallway while 'Imagine' plays on the radio on a Saturday afternoon.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 07, 2021, 07:36:11 AM
your dad is spitballing climate science
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 07, 2021, 08:18:32 AM
your dad is enacting a method for piping his bodily functions to the pavement area of his nearest subway
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on August 07, 2021, 10:52:05 AM
Your dad's just stuck a cheeky bid in on that low mileage orange Austin Maxi in Falkirk.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on August 07, 2021, 10:53:04 AM
Your dad's just done a big eggy pump in a pair of Lidl jeans.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 07, 2021, 11:38:24 AM
Your dad's just done a big ecky thump in a pair of Lidl jeans.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on August 07, 2021, 02:30:05 PM
Your dad loves fig rolls and piss-weak tea.

Your dad took a day off work just to sit in his pants watching On The Buses.

Your dad has been using the spare bed for a depressingly long time.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 07, 2021, 04:34:56 PM
Your dad is drunk and singing at your sister's wedding do.

"Oh Harib-o-o-o, the pipes, the pipes are calling..."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 07, 2021, 09:16:58 PM
your dad is refusing to listen to you from now on unless you are quoting Eisenhower
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 07, 2021, 11:58:18 PM
your dad is carefully shaving his chin over your pillow while you're sleeping
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 08, 2021, 10:14:58 PM
Your dad's blind date comes to an abrupt halt when he refuses to stop talking about the benefits of Domestos for ten minutes.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 09, 2021, 09:07:09 PM
your dad is fighting like an asshole
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 09, 2021, 09:15:59 PM
Your dad has bought a universal remote and keeps pointing it at you and saying “stop being such a prick” then shaking it near his ear and doing an elaborate frown. “Thing’s on the fritz!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 11, 2021, 08:44:19 PM
Your dad has sent you a text:

999.  GET IN TOUCH URGENTLY


So, dropping everything in a panic, you immediately phone him.


Turns out he is standing in a car boot sale wondering which of the Warioland games he should take a punt on for 50p.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Cuellar on August 11, 2021, 08:48:11 PM
Your dad he is entered into World's Strangest Man to perform feats of strange on a beach in California in front of whooping besunglassed dolts.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 12, 2021, 07:48:23 PM
your dad has gotten it into his mind that going on University Challenge involves being on stage shitting into a myriad array of unfurling pants and socks


he's right now firing off a furious email to the BBC
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 12, 2021, 07:49:18 PM
Your dad says "That blokes a nutter!" in a Harry Enfield voice after meeting your mate who has PTSD.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 12, 2021, 08:21:02 PM
You dad has figured out how to do the leg sweep in Mortal Kombat and will not stop using it. Laughing his head off he is.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 12, 2021, 08:24:46 PM
Your dad is driving home from squash practice when 'The Year of the Cat' comes on the radio. Pretty soon he's singing along and the tears start to flow.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 12, 2021, 08:43:26 PM
Last week your dad bought a Paul Daniels magic set.  Having mastered it to the best of his ability, he is now heading over to the States to appear on Penn and Teller's 'Fool Us'.  "I've got about as much chance as everyone else!" he is grinning.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 12, 2021, 08:50:42 PM
Your dad doesn’t rate Gary Sinise and tells you so every time he browses Netflix.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on August 12, 2021, 10:46:55 PM
Your dad is nesting inside the television.

Your dad is excreting a gnome.

Your dad is preaching against all birds.

Your dad is crawling under the oven.

Your dad is resting for the rest of the week.

Your dad should not be approached.

Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Utterdrivel on August 13, 2021, 01:56:26 AM
What’s the history behind this image please?  Is it photoshopped?


Oops, bit late. Nope, it's from some club in Liverpool where the drunken youths write messages on boards and have photos taken. I dunno.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 13, 2021, 07:19:13 AM
Ahh.  Merseybeat, I’ll suspect
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 13, 2021, 08:48:56 AM
your dad has a grimly fascinating launch pad
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on August 13, 2021, 02:22:27 PM
Your dad has bought a Hetty vacuum cleaner, solely so he can make off colour jokes at your mum's expense about how nice it is to finally find a woman doesn't complain about having to clean up after him and "sucking".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 13, 2021, 08:04:52 PM
Your dad is on a recycling kick and keeps eyeing up the cat for parts.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 14, 2021, 12:14:36 AM
your dad is every weekend ordering hundreds of condoms and having them sent to your address
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jobotic on August 14, 2021, 09:48:53 AM
Your dad has bought a universal remote and keeps pointing it at you and saying “stop being such a prick” then shaking it near his ear and doing an elaborate frown. “Thing’s on the fritz!”

Your dad just made me laugh
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: JamesTC on August 14, 2021, 10:01:36 AM
Your dad just saw this "great new show" called Big Bang Theory and is telling you you'd love it.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 14, 2021, 03:17:05 PM
Your dad is taking a break from mending the shed and is cheerily watching In the Night Garden with his feet up and a cup of tea and is singing Stephen Bishop's 'It Might Be You' from Tootsie.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 18, 2021, 03:05:34 PM
"I'm very proud of you son," says your dad but he's staring right through you and thinking of your sporty, right-wing friend.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 18, 2021, 04:53:04 PM
your dad is quoting sliding doors, that funny scene where they quote monty python.  he has never seen monty python and thinks the film came up with it by itself
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 18, 2021, 05:07:33 PM
Your dad once met Adam Sandler at the airport and told him he was shite as The Riddler. “Tommy Lee Jones should have handed you your bloody cards.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 18, 2021, 06:13:52 PM
"Who'd win in a fight between Treebeard and Groot do you reckon?" your dad is asking his rare He-Man figurine.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on August 18, 2021, 11:00:45 PM
Your dad is calling the computer mouse ‘the rat’ by mistake - ‘Just click the rat on it....’ he says.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 19, 2021, 05:05:00 PM
Your dad suggests "doing your bit" for the environment by buying more Nestle cereal. "There's a lot of good in those oats, and you're doing some good for the world too!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 19, 2021, 05:51:16 PM
Your dad doesn’t want to get political but why don’t Terry’s pull their fucking finger out and do a chocolate banana?
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 19, 2021, 06:17:25 PM
Your dad sighs as he opens the paper, "You can't even look at the news without reading about immigrants coming over from wild Borneo to take our jobs and steal our women."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 19, 2021, 08:18:09 PM
Your dad finds a green crisp in his bag of Walkers and sends a pic of it to the family WhatsApp group with the caption “I didn’t know your Auntie Trish got a new job being inside bags of crisps.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 19, 2021, 08:24:01 PM
I'm afraid to say your dad is a complete and utter moron.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 19, 2021, 08:26:20 PM
Your dad says “hey! I resemble that remark, hahah!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: ElTwopo on August 19, 2021, 10:00:59 PM
Your dad puts the telly on to watch Bargain Hunt and goes "Eh? This one was on the other day" but carries on watching it anyway, because 'The News' is on after.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: TrenterPercenter on August 19, 2021, 10:11:02 PM
Your dad buys a used chemistry set from the local car boot sale; when you point out all of the chemicals will have either been used or expired he says in a silly voice (that is Harry Enfield's Only Me Man and not Baldrick) "But I have a cunning plan, I'll get this on the naff and order all me chemicals in bulk from Amazon! Whose a clever boy then!".


Fast forward 2 weeks later when the National Counter Terrorism Squad arrive outside his house at 4am in the morning.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 20, 2021, 05:31:18 AM
Your dad says "I used to be a werewolf but am alright now. I'm alright now."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 20, 2021, 08:00:53 AM
Your dad sighs as he opens the paper, "You can't even look at the news without reading about immigrants coming over from wild Borneo to take our jobs and steal our women."

Sounds a progressive man if he is sick of the papers reporting this.  Congratulations!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 20, 2021, 08:55:26 AM
"your dad is masterminding a takeover of all the male-breast shaving facilities"

(https://gifimage.net/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/morpheus-is-fighting-neo-gif-1.gif)
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on August 20, 2021, 04:24:21 PM
Your dad has gone on holiday to his local motorway service station.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 20, 2021, 04:37:45 PM
Your dad is watching a documentary on the New York mafia in the 1970s and keeps saying “yep, that’s what it was like. There they are. Yeah they’ve really captured it.” He has never left Hertfordshire.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on August 20, 2021, 06:03:53 PM
Your dad is discovering fascinating facts about the world around him with Microsoft Encarta on multimedia CD-ROM!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 20, 2021, 10:14:21 PM
Sounds a progressive man if he is sick of the papers reporting this.  Congratulations!

You're giving your dad a bit too much credit here.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 21, 2021, 10:17:56 PM
Your dad takes his VR headset off a minute to enquire, "Whatever happened to Grimes?"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 21, 2021, 11:13:01 PM
Your dad gets home drunk and rearranges the fridge magnets to read “Conan is best hero” but when you ask him in the morning he denies it.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 22, 2021, 02:09:04 AM
your dad is modelling new wave “wank” missiles
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 22, 2021, 08:04:27 AM
your dad is calling himself “a dad of The Who”.  What does he mean, please?
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on August 23, 2021, 06:39:29 AM
Your dad is hosting a retrospective review of Roger Daltrey's movie career in his man cave. He appears to have actually persuaded Mr. Daltrey to make an appearance. Although, it looks to have been a bit of an ordeal as Roger is tied to a kitchen chair sporting a split lip and your dad's got a black eye.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 23, 2021, 12:39:01 PM
Your dad is hosting a retrospective review of Roger Daltrey's movie career in his man cave. He appears to have actually persuaded Mr. Daltrey to make an appearance. Although, it looks to have been a bit of an ordeal as Roger is tied to a kitchen chair sporting a split lip and your dad's got a black eye.

Even worse, it's only a Daltrey impersonator.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 23, 2021, 08:10:34 PM
Your dad is designing new fuel tanks for NASA.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 23, 2021, 08:15:33 PM
Your dad has discovered Breaking Bad and really relates to Jesse. You get a text in the evening: “Walter White is everything that’s wrong with our education system.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 23, 2021, 08:18:58 PM
Your dad has discovered Breaking Bad and really relates to Jesse. You get a text in the evening: “Walter White is everything that’s wrong with our education system.”

You text your dad back to tell him you've never seen Breaking Bad. He replies with 'get with the times lol!'
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 23, 2021, 08:21:45 PM
Even worse, it's only a Daltrey impersonator.

And even worse than that, despite having restrained him in person he’s forgotten how to interview people without using Zoom.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 23, 2021, 08:27:16 PM
Your dad says that there "wouldn't be so many gays on telly if it t'weren't for political correctness".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 23, 2021, 09:07:35 PM
Your dad eats an entire share size bag of Maltesers in some sort of fugue state while watching Inside Chernobyl with Ben Fogle. Panic sets in as the credits roll and he looks at you with wide eyes. “Let’s tell your mum she forgot to buy them again.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 23, 2021, 10:57:28 PM
making a fertility shrine with used condoms in marmalade
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on August 24, 2021, 10:04:42 AM
Your dad just hit peak mutton.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on August 24, 2021, 10:18:25 AM
Recent quotes from your dad:

"Botulism is the new Atkins."

"PT Barnum strongman moustaches are based."

"This soft gnocchi is so fucking fortnight I am going to soil myself."

-

Recent quotes from your mum:

"If you fart in that drinking glass I swear I will divorce you."

"I don't care what you saw on Eurotrash, you are not bringing all of that urine into the bed."

Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 24, 2021, 06:17:28 PM
"We run a tight ship here at your dad's," smirks your dad, "There's no slumping or slouching, with nary a hedge out of place!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 25, 2021, 06:03:19 PM
your dad has "accidentally" forgotten to opt out of free gay porn updates on the gmail cookies page
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 25, 2021, 06:30:50 PM
your dad is idly flicking through your mother's tits
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 25, 2021, 06:47:45 PM
Your dad suggests having a "pizza night. We'll purchase a pizza in Tesco and eat it. Then we'll watch Gardeners' World."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 25, 2021, 07:10:03 PM
Your dad ties the garden hose into a lasso and spends most of the evening trying to rope the washing pole. “He’s a tumultuous varmint but I’ll a-git him by sundown!” he yells to you as you head to your car.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 25, 2021, 07:49:00 PM
Your dad ties the garden hose into a lasso and spends most of the evening trying to rope the washing pole. “He’s a tumultuous varmint but I’ll a-git him by sundown!” he yells to you as you head to your car.

You are just pulling into your driveway when you receive a text from your dad. 'tied up in clothes line pls get help.'
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 25, 2021, 07:53:02 PM
You are just pulling into your driveway when you receive a text from your dad. 'tied up in clothes line pls get help.'


‘pardner’
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 25, 2021, 07:56:23 PM

‘pardner’

By the time you return to your dad's the fire bridge have already freed him. "It's alright son, that kindly neighbour yonder heard my hollerin' and rounded up this here posse!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on August 25, 2021, 08:07:19 PM
By the time you return to your dad's the fire bridge have already freed him. "It's alright son, that kindly neighbour yonder heard my hollerin' and rounded up this here posse!"

“Ah shurely am a rootin’ tootin’ fuckwitted sunnuvabitch! Shucks!”
“Dad you know I’ve got to drive to Stoke in the morning, tear down your campfire and get some sleep.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 25, 2021, 08:23:11 PM
your dad is furiously buying up all the packets of white skittles in his local shops and incinerating them.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 25, 2021, 08:38:41 PM
right now your dad is in st james park trying to make a meme of himself swallowing a live pigeon whole
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Poobum on August 25, 2021, 08:49:01 PM
Your dad is doing a miniature remake of The Blob with his iPhone, using bogies and micromachines.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Greg Torso on August 25, 2021, 08:54:45 PM
Five Star just phoned up your dad to tell him he is FUCKING CRAP.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 25, 2021, 09:02:40 PM
your dad is up to his arse in cheap cocoa powder


(he has filled the entire bathroom from floor to arse-level, using up all your proposed inheritance)
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 25, 2021, 09:04:34 PM
your dad regards breakfast consumption of kelloggs all bran to be a symbol of high status
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 25, 2021, 09:07:06 PM
your dad is convinced that the plotline of who framed roger rabbit is a sly dig at him
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 25, 2021, 09:33:03 PM
your dad is stoked to introduce you to his "rebound" - the woman he says he has been dating for the last eight months.  So you call around his place under duress and, beaming with pride, he directs your attention to a mouldy, inflatable pink panther that's all cracked and crumpled up in the space beneath the kitchen sink, rubbing up against the bottles of Clorox bleach.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 25, 2021, 11:40:16 PM
Your dad snorts derisively when an item about transgenderism comes on telly.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jobotic on August 25, 2021, 11:53:41 PM
your dad is stoked to introduce you to his "rebound" - the woman he says he has been dating for the last eight months.  So you call around his place under duress and, beaming with pride, he directs your attention to a mouldy, inflatable pink panther that's all cracked and crumpled up in the space beneath the kitchen sink, rubbing up against the bottles of Clorox bleach.

Don't pull that face in front of your new mum, son.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 25, 2021, 11:55:11 PM
Your dad melts into a giant, gelatinous mound, with just his face smiling out.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 28, 2021, 09:20:06 AM
your dad is handing you your arse
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: RetroRobot on August 29, 2021, 12:02:34 AM
Your dad sees an attractive woman on the train and then spends the rest of the journey imagining his life with her, only to never introduce himself to her and have a deep sigh as soon as she gets off the train.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 29, 2021, 07:33:35 AM
Your dad hands you a note. It reads 'Completely discount ya!'
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 29, 2021, 09:11:11 AM
your dad is modelling his entire appearance now on Denzil Washington’s fringe.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on August 29, 2021, 11:27:42 AM
Your dad is moonlighting as a taxi driver and is always telling his passengers, "There's a lot of 'em about... you know what I mean."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on August 29, 2021, 11:38:41 AM
gaslighting more like
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on August 31, 2021, 06:29:57 PM
Your dad says he's going to be a breeder of champion earwigs.

He says you'll have to get up early every morning to take them for a walk because fucked if he's going to be doing it.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 01, 2021, 03:46:41 PM
Your dad is beginning to mellow. "Used to think that them that's got the AIDS deserved it, but Todd Carty in EastEnders changed my mind. Now I wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even the gays! And as you know son I used to wish it on them a good deal."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 02, 2021, 06:39:04 PM
your dad is thrusting a pink razor at you and pulling his buttocks apart, revealing his cactus tuft of an anus
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on September 02, 2021, 08:02:58 PM
Drafting anonymous death threats with a Star Wars stencil set.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 03, 2021, 02:10:52 AM
"Spare the rod and spoil the child!" screams your dad as he runs his grandson through with a scimitar.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: KaraokeDragon on September 03, 2021, 04:40:20 PM
Your dad has broke into the cupboard where your mum keeps the full sodium salt and is using it to liberally season a bucket of saurkraut while loudly humming the tune of 'Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing'.

"Spare the rod and spoil the child!" screams your dad as he runs his grandson through with a scimitar.
Lol'd
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on September 03, 2021, 05:48:35 PM
Your dad insists that that it was George Harrington who was in The Beatles.

No persuading him otherwise.

Any attempts to show him he's wrong are met with a curt "Typo"

All of them?

"All of them."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 04, 2021, 11:57:25 PM
You're trying to enjoy a movie but your dad keeps scraping the heal of his shoe on the carpet.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 05, 2021, 12:47:54 AM
You're trying to enjoy a movie but your dad keeps scraping the heal of his shoe on the carpet.

“Trod in dog muck earlier. Least I presume it was dog. Any road, thanks for having us round for movie night, son.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 05, 2021, 01:35:08 AM
“Trod in dog muck earlier. Least I presume it was dog. Any road, thanks for having us round for movie night, son.”

*scuff scuff scuff*

"Sniff... smells like human excrement, actually. Which one is Gandalf the Wizard again? Last time of asking, honest. Sniff."

*scuff scuff scuff*
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 05, 2021, 10:14:44 PM
Your dad is stood in Tesco’s bakery section, pointing at all the animal lollies and working out which looks the saddest. “I like to put them out of their misery, son.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 06, 2021, 09:08:30 PM
Your dad is struggling to understand what "a Resident Evil Village is".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 06, 2021, 09:17:07 PM
Your dad promises to water your plants while you’re away and you get back after a week to find them all in the sink with the hot tap running.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 06, 2021, 09:18:04 PM
Your dad sacrifices his niece to an ancient Sumerian demon.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 06, 2021, 09:21:13 PM
Your dad sacrifices his niece to an ancient Sumerian demon.

The demon offers your dad anything his heart desires and he opts for a Rustlers burger.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: seepage on September 06, 2021, 09:22:33 PM
"Do you do know Dell are Jerry-rigging Intel stock coolers on top of AMD processors in their premium desktop PCs, son?" 
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 06, 2021, 09:27:52 PM
Your dad has been hanging out at Snoop Dog's "crib" all day. "Yo Snoop, where you at?"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 06, 2021, 09:38:40 PM
Your dad has confused Snoop Dogg with Snoopy and is lying on top of the neighbour’s kennel, explaining to a yellow bird why Charlie Brown is a better son than you.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 06, 2021, 10:21:44 PM
your dad is eating a remote controlled car; he is hilariously calling it "an remote controlled car" between mouthfuls
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 07, 2021, 12:23:31 AM
"Good news son," smiles you dad, "My fiancée is expecting-"

"-Congratulations dad, didn't think you stil had it in you!"

"Let me finish son. My fiancée is expecting a windfall from her late Great Uncle's inheritance. Gonna kill her after the wedding and claim the lot!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 07, 2021, 06:30:29 PM
your dead is squishing his anus under a cheesewire


doing a bit of a wallace voice with it
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 07, 2021, 10:36:57 PM
"How're you getting on with that laptop I bought you, dad?"

"It's great son! I've already downloaded 250 gigasnaps of illegal images this morning!"

Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 08, 2021, 07:34:45 AM
Whenever your dad strains out a shit he gives himself a nosebleed (and then has to abandon the shitting procedure to deal with it)
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 08, 2021, 07:47:00 AM
Your dad has every single episode of The Liitle and Large Show taped off the telly.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 08, 2021, 11:50:12 AM
your dad deliberately only records 1.5 hours worth of telly onto each 3 or 4 hour VHS tape to make them “just like the proper ones you’d buy in the shops”. 

any more than 3 half-hour episodes creates “an inauthentic experience” and generates instantaneous aggravation, causing him to retreat to his calm corner
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 08, 2021, 12:26:05 PM
your dad is still handing you a pink razor and parting his buttocks at you.  not using his words


Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on September 08, 2021, 01:06:31 PM
Your dad really enjoys that "motorbiking" song. Motorbiking! Motorbiking! Where has this been all my life, he tearfully laments.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 08, 2021, 01:18:16 PM
your dad is mumbling “nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh shot gun, nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh shot gun” indicating that he has yet another favourite song under his belt
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 08, 2021, 01:22:18 PM
Your dad attaches a multi-directional garden sprinkler to the front of his chinos and says “best lay down towels in your guest bathroom son, the doctor says I’ve caught a dose of Octo-knob again!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 08, 2021, 04:12:41 PM
Your dad is reminiscing about the original PS1 Final Fantasy VII with his border collie in the back garden again.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 08, 2021, 04:47:48 PM
your dad is wistfully recalling the fresh taste of tab clear


“you wouldn’t understand, son.  you weren’t there”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 08, 2021, 08:16:09 PM
your dad has a giant glass of orangina all for him
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 08, 2021, 09:37:35 PM
Your dad is very much enjoying Playmobil: The Movie. "Those Pixar guys are geniuses!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 08, 2021, 09:51:01 PM
Your dad gets a tattoo of your best friend from primary school on his chest. “Yeah I’m not sure either, now you ask. Where were you last night??”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Cuellar on September 08, 2021, 10:17:23 PM
Your dad goes to church every Sunday, for 'the skirt'
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 09, 2021, 01:39:20 AM
Your dad has become "addicted!" to Maroon 5. "I've constantly got them going on my sound pods when I'm hard it in the shed, son!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 09, 2021, 09:50:47 PM
Your dad hurls a battle axe at some bloke in the street, killing him. "Woo, gained 100 EXP points for that, son!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 09, 2021, 09:56:25 PM
Your dad is using a kebab skewer to pick his teeth, inevitably impales himself on it but refuses to admit he fucked up. "Meant to do it! I'm going as a cenobite for Halloween!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 09, 2021, 10:24:19 PM
your dad is bragging about all the sex he has done
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 10, 2021, 01:58:33 PM
Your dad rugby tackles you in Tesco and yells "I've got him, the one who's been stealing all your dildos!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Cuellar on September 10, 2021, 02:47:46 PM
Your dad is happy with who HE is. He likes himself. He is secure, he is grounded. He has a GROWTH MINDSET.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 11, 2021, 10:14:17 AM
your dad’s favourite ever film is Ace Ventura Jr.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jobotic on September 11, 2021, 11:54:18 AM
Your mate rings when you're not in and asks your dad to tell you to ring him back.

"I won't tell him to ring you back, I'll ask him to ring to ring you back"

"Oh just fuck off"

You never hear from your mate again.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 11, 2021, 05:35:03 PM
Your dad is snoring on the couch while the Sunday lunch is cooking. It's a really annoying snore, like muffled talking on infinite repeat.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 11, 2021, 06:36:57 PM
Your dad is dumping all the leaves from the back garden over the neighbour’s fence and telling him he must have angered a forest spirit.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 11, 2021, 07:02:25 PM
Your dad is vomiting spaghetti hoops everywhere.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 11, 2021, 08:35:52 PM
your dad keeps applying polyfilla to his anus
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 12, 2021, 12:48:42 AM
your dad has taken to calling himself a “survivor”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 13, 2021, 08:04:48 AM
Your dad is beaming at you from inside a mac store while you wait outside.  He’s holding the latest iPhone aloft.


“Look at this, son!  A touch…” (he momentarily checks with the member of staff advising him) “a touch screen!!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on September 13, 2021, 04:24:16 PM
He is getting a patio done just in case he needs to murder your mum.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 13, 2021, 04:39:58 PM
Your dad is desperate to work at Heinz so he can learn the fabled 58th Variety. "I reckon it's something out of a sea creature."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 13, 2021, 05:17:12 PM
Your dad dresses up as Gary Glitter and goes up to some kids in the street singing "Do y'wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang, do y'wanna be in my gang - oh yeah!"

Some hours later you find yourself down the local police station trying to explain just how out of touch your dad is.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on September 13, 2021, 06:57:33 PM
Dying quietly in his sleep, not screaming in terror like his prostitutes.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on September 13, 2021, 07:51:33 PM
Binning a nephew for spilling a fizzy drink.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 14, 2021, 07:27:36 AM
your dad heard somewhere that fray bentos pies usually have a coin inside.  right now he’s ripping open multiple uncooked fray bentos pies in an attempt to turn a profit
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 14, 2021, 08:59:39 AM
You're about to go into an important meeting with your boss when your dad suddenly appears with his trousers on his head. "Look son, I've gone mental!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 14, 2021, 09:10:24 AM
Your dad is not leaving until he's seen the manager. "He's an old friend!"
"Then what's the baseball bat for, sir?"
"Why, a belated birthday present of course."
"And the knuckle dusters?"
"....
..... I missed Christmas too."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 14, 2021, 10:34:09 AM
your dad is openly fiddling with a string of anal beads most hours of the day.  you enquire about it and he simply states that he was prescribed them for his ADHD
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 14, 2021, 04:33:50 PM
your dad’s new catchphrase (as he calls it) is “what a lot of wildlife there is about”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 14, 2021, 04:37:06 PM
Your dad starts telling all your friends he’s a MILF. “A Man I’d Lick For sure.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 15, 2021, 12:35:28 AM
"You had ONE job! You had ONE job! Heh!"

"Yes, and now I have NO job because you "rocked up" at an important meeting I had with my boss with your trousers on your head."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: ImmaculateClump on September 15, 2021, 10:27:55 AM
Haha, just saw him giving your mum a leg up over the wall at the back of the offie.
Bellowing "I am become stepladder. Bringer of upward bunk"
Such a drama queen. He's so "look at me".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 15, 2021, 05:38:25 PM
lol I saw that as well

bunked your mum over and then couldn't climb over himself
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 15, 2021, 11:16:06 PM
Your dad is eating all of the fish pie your mum lovingly cooked for dinner. It was supposed to serve 8! He’s not even enjoying it anymore and feeling quite sick. But a man must test his mettle.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on September 16, 2021, 06:43:48 AM
Met your dad down the woods. He was by the badger sett. Says he's training them to mine for Bitcoin.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: DoesNotFollow on September 16, 2021, 07:14:33 AM
He's struggling to maintain an erection, despite it not really being necessary for Sunday lunch at the Toby.



Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 16, 2021, 01:05:01 PM
You go for a walk to take your mind off being sacked because of your dad (see posts above). To your shock you come across your dad having lunch with your boss outside a posh cafe.

"Hmmm, you seem to have the necessary problem-solving skills your son so obviously lacks. How d'you fancy working for me?"

"Was gonna say, 'Arsed, cigs,' but go on then."

He's still got his trousers on his head.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 16, 2021, 06:00:21 PM
your dad thinks photocopying in the library is free so he's photocopying loads of random stuff he doesn't even want or need, just for the thrill
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 17, 2021, 11:15:51 PM
Your dad's Fortnight username is Geeklord1958.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 18, 2021, 12:16:54 AM
Your dad's Fortnight username is Geeklord1958.

He has added all of your mates to his friends list. He has not invited you and if you come round your mum and dad’s unexpectedly he throws a strategically placed sleeping bag over the console and pretends his gaming headset is due to getting a part-time call centre gig. “It’s not much but it’s some walking around money.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: idunnosomename on September 18, 2021, 12:25:52 AM
your dad has pledged to win back all of the greater german reich, and rule over it as a benevolent dictator.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: DoesNotFollow on September 21, 2021, 09:07:25 PM
Dad's got a dried horses cock in a box. He opens it and looks inside maybe twice a year, if that.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 21, 2021, 09:16:15 PM
Your dad straps a sword to the roof of his car in case “shit goes all Mad Max” on his commute.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 21, 2021, 09:25:46 PM
your dad is having a horizontal spinner fitted.  reckons he's going to beat the hammer-action version of himself in the next round
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: KaraokeDragon on September 22, 2021, 07:18:51 AM
Your dad is holed up in the coal bunker, performing a web search for 'autogerontophilia'. (Using Bing, bless him.)
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 22, 2021, 07:32:27 AM
your dad is trying to pat you on the arse so hard that it pats him on the arse
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 22, 2021, 08:56:19 PM
your dad is adamant that a working title for Monty Python’s Flying Circus was “Penis Stretching Time”



“it was mentioned on a documentary I saw,” he keeps saying
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 22, 2021, 09:30:25 PM
Dad it was “Owl Stretching Time”.  I am a bigger fan of Monty Python than you.



“i doubt the documentary was wrong, son.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Catalogue Trousers on September 22, 2021, 10:37:16 PM
Shouting about black people
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on September 22, 2021, 11:13:20 PM
Your dad eats an entire share size bag of Maltesers in some sort of fugue state while watching Inside Chernobyl with Ben Fogle. Panic sets in as the credits roll and he looks at you with wide eyes. “Let’s tell your mum she forgot to buy them again.”

Lovely
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on September 22, 2021, 11:16:58 PM
Your dad says he's going to be a breeder of champion earwigs.

He says you'll have to get up early every morning to take them for a walk because fucked if he's going to be doing it.
Love it
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on September 22, 2021, 11:17:45 PM
"Spare the rod and spoil the child!" screams your dad as he runs his grandson through with a scimitar.

Yes
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on September 22, 2021, 11:26:00 PM
You go for a walk to take your mind off being sacked because of your dad (see posts above). To your shock you come across your dad having lunch with your boss outside a posh cafe.

"Hmmm, you seem to have the necessary problem-solving skills your son so obviously lacks. How d'you fancy working for me?"

"Was gonna say, 'Arsed, cigs,' but go on then."

He's still got his trousers on his head.

Love it
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 22, 2021, 11:48:09 PM
and also who else did some good posts
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on September 22, 2021, 11:50:43 PM
You are awoken by the sound of your dad playing every transformers theme tune at once in early AM in the guest bedroom

It stops and you hear grim mutter

Back To The Drawing Board
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 23, 2021, 06:07:54 PM
Your dad is doing a bit of family genealogy and discovers that the family's roots can be traced back to the island of Ireland.

"Such look it what can you do about it there it is now."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 23, 2021, 08:31:46 PM
your dad has dissolved the mrs doubtfire latex mask with solvents and is now slurping at it with a straw.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jenna appleseed on September 23, 2021, 09:07:54 PM
Your dad has every single episode of The Liitle and Large Show taped off the telly.

but because you keep mocking him, he refuses to share any of them with the forum.

eta: in fact he's now deliberately taping over them all with episodes of Bargain Hunt & watercolour challenge, and tearing out the tape and throughing it arround the streets like confetti.

Now look what you've made him do, somebody's going to have to clear up that mess & it won't be your dad (or mine).

Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 23, 2021, 09:18:12 PM
Your dad makes himself a duct tape wallet and promises to show you how to do it if you ever get cool enough to hang with him and the Duct Tape Boyz.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 24, 2021, 02:57:02 PM
Your dad is wishing you "Happy Birthday, son," as he hands you a pair of brown socks with a wan smile. With a WAN smile.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 24, 2021, 03:17:07 PM
Your dad turns off A Clockwork Orange halfway through and as he storms off to the shed you can hear him muttering "the '70s were nothing like that."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 24, 2021, 03:27:42 PM
Your dad turns off A Clockwork Orange halfway through and as he storms off to the shed you can hear him muttering "the '70s were nothing like that."

"They were less colourful and more violent, lad. Less colourful and more violent."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 24, 2021, 04:17:53 PM
"They were less colourful and more violent, lad. Less colourful and more violent."

Unbeknownst to you, your dad pours a load of mescaline into your bedtime glass of milk. "Drink well, my li'l droog."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 25, 2021, 04:26:47 AM
Your dad is yelling "On yer bike!" at any "foreign-looking" people at the garden gate. "Bloke in a turban trying to sell me house insurance, 'On yer bike!'"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 25, 2021, 08:59:14 AM
your dad is cancelled after a bout of self-flinging near the dust covers
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 25, 2021, 09:14:32 AM
Your dad gets a gig on the new Doctor Strange and spends a week working with Benedict Cumberbatch. “I’m not one for talking outside of school, but all I’ll say is: complete cunt who never opened his wallet once.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 25, 2021, 01:25:58 PM
Your dad tells the neighbours that he considers you to be "mildly twatty".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glennhoddleishavingagoal on September 25, 2021, 01:33:37 PM
Your dad is in his room doing his "thing".

Please don't disturb him, he's doing his "thing".

What is his "thing"?

Stop asking so many questions.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 25, 2021, 01:39:38 PM
During a heart-to-heart over a pint with your dad, you tell him how you always felt you were "different".

"You're not 'one of them' are you, son?"

"No dad, I am not a homosexual."

Your dad exhales pointedly and visibly relaxes. "Thank FUCK for that I'd rather you were dead than 'one of them'!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 25, 2021, 08:33:45 PM
Your dad is so desperate for human contact that he sends notes to the neighbours promising sexual favours in exchange for 'mere friendship'.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 25, 2021, 08:55:09 PM
Your dad is livid that you’ve been intercepting his notes to the neighbours. “Small wonder I’ve got no mates!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 25, 2021, 10:40:09 PM
"Might get tested son."

"Good idea dad! You can't be too careful with this bloody pandemic!"

"No son, I mean a paternity test. Just to double check that I'm really your father because I really don't wanna be."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 26, 2021, 09:36:53 AM
your dad is wanking rhythmically to the music of The Quarrymen, performed live by the surviving band members on 28th August 2021


(this video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1zarINfkc0)


Whilst wanking he is putting himself in the shoes of the guy scrubbing the washboard.  "That could have been me, son"  *wank wank wanka wank-wank*
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 26, 2021, 12:19:11 PM
'naked in shed do not disturb.'
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 26, 2021, 01:31:10 PM
Your dad pitches ‘Naked in a Shed’ to Channel 4 and rejects their lucrative offer. “Cannot fucking stand Noel Fielding!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 26, 2021, 01:33:15 PM
Your dad reckons all beverages should be sold in recyclable glass bottles, not for environmental reasons but because they make the best smash against your neighbour’s garage at 5.30am
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 26, 2021, 01:33:35 PM
"So what are the latest pop bands then?"

"To be honest dad, I've no idea meself!"

But he's already vanished into the shed to make things.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 26, 2021, 04:02:25 PM
"In the shed tonight, son, I aim to give myself.... you guessed it!.... a Hello Kitty tattoo!!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 26, 2021, 08:41:21 PM
Your dad is on a skateboard with a baseball cap sitting awkwardly on his head. "Shit be just gettin' real, mon."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 27, 2021, 02:07:43 PM
Your dad is stitching nametags with someone else's surname into all your work clothes then phoning your employer to say you've been raiding the Lost and Found for hip new duds.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 27, 2021, 02:12:06 PM
your dad is lounging around coffee shops near the train station and trying to start conversations about how “snapchat filters” are “so great”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 27, 2021, 06:10:20 PM
you step into the bathroom and your dad is brushing his teeth, solidly naked.  scrubbing away, his teeth born into the mirror and his scrawny backside bashing from side to side at the same time

he turns around and your presence makes him jump a little.  he tries to speak through the foam, spits it into the sink and tries again.  “didn’t see you there!”

“alright dad”


grinning, he points at his cock.  “autumn!” he says.


you look down, and sure enough, he has self-evidently been packing his entire penis with horse chestnuts for a few days.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 27, 2021, 06:21:33 PM
Your birthday party is going swimmingly until your dad yells "ABORTION MACHINE!" This has a deep personal significance for you and proves deeply upsetting.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 27, 2021, 06:36:19 PM
Your dad can’t swim, but those that stop him trying!? Yes. He also won’t get on boats and shrieks for the first two minutes of every shower.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 27, 2021, 07:11:19 PM
You're in your dad's car with your dad, stuck in traffic, when a police car speeds past.

"He's not gonna sell much ice cream going at-"

"-NO DAD!"

There are a few moments silence, broken only by your dad whistling quietly, until-

"I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright n-"

"-NO!!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Kankurette on September 27, 2021, 07:20:36 PM
Your dad is watching Bing.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 27, 2021, 07:42:11 PM
Your dad is watching Bing.

"I've got this browser open but there's no sign of my favourite crooner!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 27, 2021, 09:23:35 PM
your dad has a fresh bowl of honey nut loops and keeps bursting out “let’s loop together!!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 28, 2021, 02:39:32 PM
Your dad uses a small child as a paperweight.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 28, 2021, 02:43:49 PM
Your dad has a sack of mouldering oats in the garage which he goes and kicks for a bit whenever he's had a dream about his own father.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 28, 2021, 02:45:05 PM
Your dad things the best version of 'You've Lost That Lovely Feeling' is the Paul Shane Pebble Mill one. It's the only thing you both agree on.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 28, 2021, 02:58:44 PM
Your dad invites every house on the crescent over to Netflix and chill and gets the surprise of his life when they say yes. "Keys in a bowl, good shout, I'm forever losing mine. Ehhh what's... what... is the heating on too high or something?"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 28, 2021, 03:29:53 PM
You introduce your dad to your gorgeous new girlfriend, but he is so jealous he asks you to leave in a seething rage.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 29, 2021, 02:50:34 PM
Your dad has become Surrey's most prominent edgelord.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 29, 2021, 03:40:27 PM
Your dad is pushing it. Pushing it real good.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Twit 2 on September 29, 2021, 04:03:16 PM
Your dad is checking that his rigidly delineated anus hasn’t sagged into a cloaca.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on September 29, 2021, 05:34:45 PM
Traffic delays you getting over for family dinner, so your dad phones the police and tells them to put out an all-points bulletin on "my absolute prick of a son."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 29, 2021, 10:22:33 PM
Traffic delays you getting over for family dinner, so your dad phones the police and tells them to put out an all-points bulletin on "my absolute prick of a son."

Heh!

Your dad dances into the living room in a pair of womens' shoes singing "Everybody's going for those kinky boots, kinky boots - boop boop!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 30, 2021, 02:17:02 PM
"Dad, I've been offered a senior position in my company's New York office!"

Your dad SMILES WANLY. "Well done son," he vaguely implies, giving you an extremely limp and unfriendly handshake.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on September 30, 2021, 04:54:08 PM
Your dad uses a small child as a paperweight.

and is it his own child?
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on September 30, 2021, 11:58:15 PM
and is it his own child?

"Fuck knows Replies, my son. If it is, say hello to your little brother."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: KaraokeDragon on October 01, 2021, 02:24:21 PM
Your dad is siphoning his bum waft from a suction tube inserted into his anus into pressurised gas containers to be sold on the streets by his colleagues in the East Belfast UVF.

"You're always saying I'm 'high on my own farts', son. Well, so too will be half the Newtownards Road by the end of tonight! HaHaHaHaHa!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: kidney on October 01, 2021, 02:54:19 PM
You dad pops round at 8am on a Sunday morning to check the garden soil. He wanders around the garden for a bit looking contemplative and then leaves again without saying another word.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on October 01, 2021, 05:32:45 PM
After a feud with the freezer your dad takes up pressure canning.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Utterdrivel on October 02, 2021, 05:49:40 PM
Your dad has shaved his head and had a spider web tattooed on his crown.


He looks at you and winks.


"The chicks love it, son".


They don't.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 02, 2021, 05:58:02 PM
You're in a clothes shop with your dad.

"Hi son!"

"Dad, that's a complete stranger, I'm here by the shirts!"

"No other son, this is Fred, your half-brother! He works here as a sales assistant! Fred, meet my other son!"

"Alright mate. We're having a sale on men's coats at the moment if you're arsed."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 03, 2021, 04:56:14 PM
Roll a dice to decide what your dad will say:

1. "Brrr, bit nippy out today, I'd bring your coat!"

2. "Looks like rain, I'd bring your coat!"

3. "That Michael McIntyre is very funny, isn't he?"

4. "That John Bishop is very funny, isn't he?"

5. "That radiator needs fixing, or I'm a monkey's uncle!"

6. "I think we've had enough fun and laughter for one day, settle down everyone."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 03, 2021, 10:55:21 PM
"Now that I've retired, the days seem to go on forever."

"Why don't you try playing a time-killer like Fortnite, dad?"

"Heh, it takes me a fortnight just to learn how to play these computer video games son!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 03, 2021, 11:17:33 PM
your dad wears a thong now


"if only a piece of string is covering up my anus, then so be it"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 03, 2021, 11:22:28 PM
"Dad, was I really a 'planned' birth?

Your dad lowers his Evening Standard and throws his head back with a fruity chuckle.

"Now son... don't ask me questions like that; you won't like the answer!"

"I'm your daughter not your son, dad."

"Oh sorry. I just assume you're always male (and quite possibly prematurely balding!) because of this forum. But yeah you were a mistake, yeah."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 04, 2021, 06:53:29 PM
"DAD, YOUR EIDERDOWN'S BEEN 'PLUMFED' UP!"

"Eh?!"

"YOUR EIDERDOWN'S BEEN 'PLUMFED UP!"

"Come down, son, I can't hear you!"

"We've 'plumfed' up your eiderdown!"

Dad lowers his Daily Mail and stares for a moment.

"Yeah... did Mother prepare the hot water bottle?"

"MOTHER WILL YOU PREPARE THE HOT WATER BOTTLE PLEASE?"

"Thanks son. Tell Mother I'll be up after I've watched Panorama with my Horlicks."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Kankurette on October 05, 2021, 03:57:24 PM
Your dad is Fred Durst.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 05, 2021, 03:58:42 PM
Your dad is Fred Durst.

"WORST. DAD. EVER!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 06, 2021, 02:20:26 AM
"Here's a lockpick," your dad is saying. "It might be handy if you, the 'Master of Unlocking' use it to open doors here in zombie mansion."

"Cheers dad. More fentanyl?"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 06, 2021, 07:48:30 AM
your dad has applied to the fisher price bespoke items unit and managed to get a set made called “your dad’s first bowel movement” (by which he means his own first bowel movement).  Cost him £600 to get done, and he’s leaving it on a table of gifts at the christening of someone he doesn’t know.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 06, 2021, 10:53:55 AM
Your dad is struggling with the concept of a "post... woman???"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 06, 2021, 02:12:51 PM
after spending £8000 in the early learning centre, your dad is furious that sticklebricks and his bodily hair do not mesh
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 07, 2021, 12:44:10 AM
your dad pisses in the sink as often as he can remember, in order to “save wear and tear on the toilet”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 07, 2021, 09:04:42 PM
Your dad has started giving names to his farts. "That one is Horace."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 08, 2021, 07:37:20 AM
your dad is proud of his negative Lateral Flow Tests so he’s leaving them all around his house for people to see and hopefully remark upon.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 08, 2021, 08:48:04 AM
Your dad has started his own tattoo parlour which deals exclusively in inking telephone numbers he needs to remember onto your forearm.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 08, 2021, 11:39:23 AM
your dad foights loike your da
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 08, 2021, 11:40:22 AM
Your dad has started his own tattoo parlour which deals exclusively in inking telephone numbers he needs to remember onto your forearm.

He has been labelled a holocaust tribute service in the local phone directory, and he has no idea why
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on October 08, 2021, 01:03:44 PM
Your dad has been appointed as the official historian of the Texas Homecare chain of DIY stores.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: batwings on October 08, 2021, 01:19:37 PM
Your dad’s going mental - turning the house over, emptying out draws, flipping seat cushions - looking for a pair of scissors. They’ve been on his head the whole time!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 08, 2021, 09:41:16 PM
Your dad is boogying around the living room to 'Killer Queen' at 4AM. "Now I know why they call them 'magic' mushrooms, son! Or daughter or whomsoever you are."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 08, 2021, 10:05:33 PM
While gardening your dad picks up a worm with a grin and says “Dare me to eat it?” then while you start to consider how to respond he gently lowers it back to the grass, rounds on you and yells “PERVERT!”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 08, 2021, 10:31:10 PM
Your dad is going upstairs for "the wank of the millennium."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: dissolute ocelot on October 09, 2021, 01:20:16 PM
After watching a Planet of the Apes marathon, your dad informs you that your mum was working on the PG Tips adverts at the time you were conceived.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 09, 2021, 06:04:06 PM
Your dad is barbequing while Paul Simon's 'Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes' blasts from the stereo system. "Best solo garden party ever! Fancy joining me son? No? Okay bye then!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on October 09, 2021, 06:13:53 PM
Your dad says you're to get home this instant as it's time for his quarterly arse-shaving and it's your turn to do it.

He also told me not to tell you that he'll be live streaming the whole thing.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 09, 2021, 06:40:53 PM
Your dad is inordinately proud of his arse. "That's a 1950's arse lad. They built arses to last in them days!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on October 10, 2021, 09:03:13 AM
Your dad is going for the world record in stacking cats on top of one another.

"Nowhere in the rules says they must be alive at the time."

I've already called the RSPCA.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 10, 2021, 09:36:02 AM
your dad is getting some sparklers practice in before bonfire night


“check this out, son!  no gloves!”

dad you should be doing that outside, at least.


“see how close to my eyes I can get!!   oohh wow check out my reflexes I’m not even telling my eyes to shut and they just are!!”


Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 10, 2021, 01:17:48 PM
Your dad is going for the world record in stacking cats on top of one another.

"Nowhere in the rules says they must be alive at the time."

I've already called the RSPCA.

Heh!

Your dad is wearing shades and drinking a coke. "Look son, I'm hip!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Menyatta Zondatta on October 10, 2021, 07:30:49 PM
Your dad is fiending for some Bovril.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 10, 2021, 07:35:55 PM
Your dad says he’s firing up the mega drive and you’re momentarily stunned until you remember it’s what he calls his car.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 10, 2021, 07:55:02 PM
"There are no pansies at the bottom of my garden," laughs your dad. "Seriously though I am extremely prejudiced about homosexuals."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 10, 2021, 10:55:32 PM
your dad is singing “all we are saaaaayiiiiiiiiing.  is give your dad a blow-job” and he’s winking at you
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 11, 2021, 10:10:18 AM
"When did you last have sex, my dad?"

"I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 11, 2021, 10:56:56 AM
Your dad says, "I'm getting into shape, round is a shape!" and you share a chuckle until he mutters "But your mum only has eyes for oblongs" and then stares into the fire until you leave.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 11, 2021, 11:08:07 AM
Your dad is shaking his booty to M People. "Still got it... open up your heart, oh baby baby!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 11, 2021, 05:15:12 PM
"Guys, I'm really vibbing on the TikTok at the mo - TikiTok's still in, yeah? Oh man, saw Harry Styles on some 'Tube vid the other day, he's aged so badly! Is it okay to call you 'guys' btw? Is that too gender-restrictive?"

"Dad, Ever Decreasing Circles is on Drama or owt."

"Son, I... I'm trying..."

"Just go."

"Thank you," dad whispers ecstatically, as he goes off to enjoy another vintage adventure with Briers and co.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: DoesNotFollow on October 11, 2021, 09:08:47 PM
Your dad says he’s firing up the mega drive and you’re momentarily stunned until you remember it’s what he calls his car.

Haha noice
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 12, 2021, 03:14:22 PM
Your dad is hiding in the shed ever since news of his impotence spread in the community and he became known as 'Papa Sad-Nuts'.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 12, 2021, 05:19:45 PM
your dad keeps mixing up “surf shark” and “sure start” in utterances that only exist to make himself sound cool and in-touch.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 12, 2021, 05:21:08 PM
"I like kids - but I couldn't eat a whole one!" laughs your dad.

Two weeks later your dad is arrested for the possession of "illegal images".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 12, 2021, 05:30:58 PM
Your dad just don't know what to dooooo with himself, and tells you so in song form. Voice of an angel!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Chollis on October 12, 2021, 05:35:42 PM
Your dad takes all your friends airsofting but doesn't invite you, as a power play.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 12, 2021, 05:59:11 PM
"COWABUNGA! WAZZUP?! BOOYAKASHA!"

Your dad is bouncing up and down on the trampoline in the garden. He's wearing a unicorn onesie and is absolutely manic.

You and your mate Jim watch on from your deckchairs, getting drunk in the afternoon sun.

"You're dad's really lost it this time," suggests Jim, "and the whole neighbourhood is watching. Must be mortifying for you."

"Yeah," you sigh, peeking out from between your fingers,"but what can you do? 'nother Stella, Jim?"

"Yeah, go on then."

"I GOT THE MOVES LIKE JAGGER! WOOO! HOW Y'LIKE ME NOW? WAKANDA FOREVER! FARCRY 6!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 13, 2021, 08:32:27 AM
Your dad has a new t-shirt with ‘Going Out of Business’ emblazoned on it and an arrow pointing down to his cock and balls area.

When you ask him what’s up with that, he shrugs and says “Might work, mightn’t it.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 13, 2021, 02:21:19 PM
Your dad has a new t-shirt with ‘Going Out of Business’ emblazoned on it and an arrow pointing down to his cock and balls area.

When you ask him what’s up with that, he shrugs and says “Might work, mightn’t it.”

He realises it won't work and next time you see him he's wearing a Frankie Goes to Hollywood tee. "Retro irony, lad, the chick's dig it!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 13, 2021, 02:53:22 PM
He realises it won't work and next time you see him he's wearing a Frankie Goes to Hollywood tee. "Retro irony, lad, the chick's dig it!"

With depressing inevitability you realise your dad has done out the spare room as a home T-shirt printing factory. "A tenner to make and I sell 'em for £12 a pop online! Don't worry, I've called your office and handed in your notice - we're in the fashion industry now, lad."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jenna appleseed on October 13, 2021, 05:16:42 PM
He realises it won't work and next time you see him he's wearing a Frankie Goes to Hollywood tee. "Retro irony, lad, the chick's dig it!"

slogans include:
'Frankie Says I'm The Greatest Dad' (worn by your dad).
'Frankie says my Dad's better than your dad' (he's just forced you to wear it)

'Frankie says wear this overpriced pseudo 80s shoddily home printed tshirt - you'll get girls' ("oops, that was my no longer a mate's reaction when I showed him my new t-shirt business, - it wasn't meant to get printed on the actual tshirt, now I've got 100s of them piled up in the garage and nobody will buy them".)

Your Dad "I dunno who this Frankie was, I'm too old for 80's pop, but he must've been pretty cool"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jenna appleseed on October 13, 2021, 05:18:45 PM
Your dad can't use a screen printing kit and doesn't understand print on demand websites, so he's creating all his tshirts via googled clip art, powerpoint captions and overpriced tshirt transfer paper from Whsmiths.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 14, 2021, 06:52:33 AM
'Frankie says wear this overpriced pseudo 80s shoddily home printed tshirt - you'll get girls' ("oops, that was my no longer a mate's reaction when I showed him my new t-shirt business, - it wasn't meant to get printed on the actual tshirt, now I've got 100s of them piled up in the garage and nobody will buy them".)

To add to the tragedy, the word “pseudo” has been spelled devastatingly incorrectly, and nobody has noticed yet, nor twigged the implications.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2021, 03:29:11 PM
Cash in the Attic ends an you are able to switch over to something you want to watch. But the moment you touch the remote your dad grabs the car keys.

"Come on. We're going."

"Going where, dad?"

Your dad looks at his watch. "Come on. That's it. We'd better be off. He has his arms folded.

"Dad, what are you on about?"

"Right then. Better hit the road."

He's jingling the car keys. "It's getting late."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 14, 2021, 03:35:45 PM
Sits you in the passenger seat of his Citroen Visa.

Yanks an ordnance survey map out of the glove compartment and unfurls it.


Keeps unfurling it as it fills the front of the car and brings you to smothering point.  With a great “oof” he shoves the entire map onto your side and gives himself plenty of room.


“You will direct us there,” he tells you, and turns the key in the ignition. 



Before you know it, he’s off out the driveway and down the lane.  After several turnings, he is already irate. 

“WHICH WAY THEN?  WHICH WAY?  I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE NAVIGATING!  I CANNOT READ THE MAP WHILE MY EYES ARE ON THE ROAD!  PAY ATTENTION!  DID WE MISS A TURN?!  WELL WORK OUT WHERE WE ARE FROM LOOKING AT THE MAP!!  HOLD THE MAP PROPERLY - IT IS BLOCKING MY VIEW!!  PAY ATTENTION I SAID!!  LOOK FOR THE STREET SIGNS AND GET AHEAD OF WHERE WE WILL BE!!  GET THE MAP [physically shoving the map into your face] OUT OF MY VIEW!!!”


Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2021, 03:48:41 PM
"Right son, Pointless is over, you can put on your The Squid's Games now."

"Thanks dad."

But the minute you stick on Netflix, your dad starts whistling loudly.

"Um dad, could you not do that?"

"OH SORRY, son!"

It's nice and quiet for the first five minutes of "The Squid Games", then he starts whistling even louder.

"Dad-"

"OH SORRY, right! I'll just go and make some coffee."

The kettle is annoyingly loud. Then your dad's mate Rory rings.

"OH HELLO, RORY! YEAH, I CAN HEAR YOU! MY SON IS WATCHING SQUID GAME! YEAH I'LL DROP THAT SANDER OVER TO YOU TOMORROW!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 14, 2021, 04:03:23 PM
“They ruddy love tentacles going in and out of things, don’t they? Our Eastern chums.”

“What do you mean dad?”

“Squid games. Sucker play. Tentacle porn, boy. Surprised it’s showing on Netflix. They must have got my letter.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2021, 04:16:37 PM
Your dad's neighbour Horace's dog is barking loudly again. Your dad pops his head over the fence to have a word with Horace about it.

"Could you stop your dog from barking? It's really annoying."

"Look mate, it's a dog. It's going to bark. I'm sorry."

"Very well then."

Your dad waits until Horace goes out for the day. Then he breaks into his garden and brings the dog around to his garden shed, wherein he beheads him and wraps him up in black bin bags. Then, being careful that nobody is watching, he puts the dog in the boot of the car and drives up to the mountains, where he buries him.

Your dad goes home and cleans up, then gets on with the gardening. Horace returns in the evening.

"Have you seen my dog, mate?"

Your dad stares at Horace over the fence. He doesn't blink once. He never blinks.

"No. I have not seen your dog."

Your dad whistles as he gets on with the mowing. His heart rate stays slow and constant, as it has done all day, even when he was doing the murderering.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on October 14, 2021, 05:31:46 PM
Contemplating the failure of his edgy restaurant chain, Eat Shit.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 14, 2021, 06:09:53 PM
Contemplating the failure of his edgy restaurant chain, Eat Shit.

“Maybe try a rename dad.”

A month later, Eat Shit and Die has gone into administration.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2021, 06:55:39 PM
A month later, Eat Shit and Dine has gone into administration.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 14, 2021, 07:04:28 PM
Heh, nice one. You eat the shit, you get to dine! “Exclusivity is very attractive, son.”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Cuellar on October 14, 2021, 07:06:18 PM
Dad becomes a multi-millionaire off the back of his Eat Shit and Dine empire

"I'm Walter White!!" he boasts, having completely misunderstood Breaking Bad.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2021, 07:08:52 PM
Your dad is mad for classic grime. "Gimme them early-noughties phat beats son, ting!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on October 14, 2021, 07:20:08 PM
.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fishfinger on October 14, 2021, 07:37:41 PM
Donning a salmon-coloured jumper and a mainstream demeanour in order to avoid the shame of an edit bug and all those children under the patio.

Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2021, 11:54:08 PM
Things your dad said this week:

"That boiler needs servicing."

"Didn't think much of that drama on telly last night. Hardly any white men in it thanks to PC gone mad."

"There's a new pound coin for the clever grandson who can tell me who won last year's Grand Prix!"

"That sweater is 50% polyester. No wonder it's in the sale."

"Oof, my back!"

"Now that's what I call a neatly mown lawn!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Ian Benson on October 15, 2021, 01:05:43 AM
Your dad finds an old, forgotten ipod nano in the bottom of the laundry basket and then easily spends the next seven hours looking all over the house and garage for a lead with which to charge it. Just prior to his bedtime, he is spotted in his office browsing on amazon for the necessary lead, but just as he is about to add the mid-priced one to his basket he stops himself and decisively closes the browser, irritated that he was about to take the easy way out and now completely confident in his belief that "there must be one lying around somewhere." The search will resume tomorrow.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fr.Bigley on October 15, 2021, 01:14:46 AM
Eating Hairy Bikers crisps, crying on the landing while the Bikers are rattling your mam in your old room.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: KaraokeDragon on October 15, 2021, 03:12:51 AM
Your dad is conducting an experiment with a group he assembled at the village fete: he plans to serve the participants a bowl of his gloopiest, muskiest semen while rebetika music plays in the background in the hopes of convincing them it's greek yoghurt.

"If they'll believe I'm employed by the university of Sussex they'll believe anything."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on October 15, 2021, 08:22:31 AM
Your dad can't use a screen printing kit and doesn't understand print on demand websites, so he's creating all his tshirts via googled clip art, powerpoint captions and overpriced tshirt transfer paper from Whsmiths.

On the cover of vogue in six months, with a face like bin laden on 911
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2021, 05:17:01 PM
"Not sure what to have for breakfast, here in this hotel dining room dad!"

"ASK ABOUT THE BRAN FLAKES!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 15, 2021, 05:25:27 PM
"Do you ever sit and wonder where it all went wrong with this country, son?"

"Heh, hard not to some days, isn't it dad."

When you look over your dad's got the phone receiver clamped to his face. "I'd like to report my son for communism please."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2021, 05:33:33 PM
Your dad keeps going on about not knowing people "from Adam".

"Be careful when you invite somebody you're unfamiliar with into your home son, that's my advice. You don't know them from Adam! A man called around the other day to talk about switching to Virgin Media, but I wouldn't let him in, I didn't know him from Adam! Then another man called later that day, but I was ready this time and he never got further than the garden gate. 'I don't know you from Adam, with your turban and that,' I threatened!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2021, 11:31:01 PM
Disaster strikes at B&Q, where your dad comes to an abrupt end. "Just make sure my wife and son are well done by, peace out y'all and keep it real!" your dad shouts out as he is buried beneath numerous tins of Ronseal.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on October 15, 2021, 11:46:42 PM
Your dad had been busy with his new 3D printer. So far, he’s printed out a spare set of internal organs and an entire dormer bungalow.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: jenna appleseed on October 16, 2021, 06:04:48 AM
On the cover of vogue in six months, with a face like bin laden on 911

The tragic thing is nobody has the heart to tell him that nobody actually like his shit, they're only buying them to wear ironically on tik tok. Your dad is accidentally the victim of a meme and Vogue are using him as a real life lolcow.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2021, 06:54:56 PM
Your dad keeps pushing the couch westward. "Better view of the TV, ngggg, come on budge you bastard!"

He's really going for it he's going to give himself a hernia. "There we go, nmmm, shift it!" Oh give over dad you bloody nutter mate.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 16, 2021, 08:37:46 PM
your dad is holding up a placard in your living room that has “make John Carpenter release his original cut of Halloween III:  Season of your dad” written on it in friendly turquoise felt pen
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2021, 08:59:10 PM
"Son, I've got the video of Clockwise for us to watch!"

"Dad, we don't have a VHS player."

"Now listen here you cheeky little sod, you're not getting out of this one," barks your dad, folding his arms across his sensibly jumper.

"Dad, I am merely stating that we do not have a VHS player."

Your dad sighs. "Doesn't everyone have a video player machine these days? In any case I thought you'd be happy for once. Its got that alternative comedian you like in it, John Cheeseman."

"Dad, just go and fix the lawnmower. You know you'd much rather be doing that."

"Fair enough son. Don't say I didn't try. Go on, you can put that A Game of Squids on your personal computer."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: dissolute ocelot on October 16, 2021, 09:49:06 PM
Your dad pesters you to go fishing with him for several months despite you not having any of the kit. Eventually you agree to go along with him. It's then that you find out he doesn't have a fishing rod, he just likes to put on long rubber boots and stand in water for hours.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 16, 2021, 10:11:29 PM
your dad is presently wielding a hole punch and barking “come on, distend your rectum for papa”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 17, 2021, 12:19:06 AM
Your dad puts his back out hauling a Last of the Summer Wine boxset up the stairs, "Ooh, ya buggah!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: non capisco on October 17, 2021, 12:36:36 AM
Your dad's gone down the chip shop dressed as his "black alter ego" again.

"if Joni Mitchell told your dad to jump in a dragon's mouth he'd get his trainers on for a run-up and he's never even met the woman" says your mum.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 17, 2021, 12:38:29 AM
"Bring back the old days son! Bring 'em back!" your dad is saying. "Whatever happened to Heartbeat? Ah, halcyons... salad days... golden days!"

You dads eyes are now two glowing almonds with crows feet around.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: non capisco on October 17, 2021, 12:43:20 AM
Sorry, 'Baby I Love Your Way' by Big Mountain, your dad has decided his favourite reggae song is now 'Puff Puff Give' by Hannah's Field.

"Mi ramp it inna mi shed an smoke a likkle herb." he tells you in front of all your mates.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 17, 2021, 12:44:24 AM
"You can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter!" laughs your dad. "You can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Fr.Bigley on October 17, 2021, 12:46:27 AM
Your dad is eating a cheese and onion crisp sandwich because he's "feeling fun" and he's washing it down with a yazoo banana milkshake. Your dad eats what he wants since your mum left. Your dad sits in front of B&Q trying to justify his reasoning for going 6 times this week, and it's not that "John on wood cutting could be my new best friend".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: itsfredtitmus on October 17, 2021, 12:47:39 AM
BIG HAIRY WILLIES! AND POO!
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: non capisco on October 17, 2021, 12:52:38 AM
BIG HAIRY WILLIES! AND POO!

^ Your dad has just put flyers up all over town for the burlesque show he's doing with his mate Brian. The address is your house this Wednesday, he's been "meaning to ask you".
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 17, 2021, 12:53:08 AM
Every time your dad spots a man in his fifties with bleached hair and a punk T-Shirt he thinks it's his old mate Andy. "There's Andy! Oh wait it's not. Poor old Andy. Got into the drugs, ended up on benefits. That was Andy. Rest of us settled down, had families, but oh no, not Andy! He hangs around the town, going into record shops and talking about bands. Sad, really. Wait, there he is for real! No. No, that's just another man that seems like Andy. We all know an Andy!"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 18, 2021, 10:03:02 PM
your dad is off to the bank to withdraw his life savings so that he can spend it all on caramacs
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 18, 2021, 10:11:12 PM
"I've got a drink problem - I  can't get enough drink!"

You'd probably force a smirk if not for the fact that your dad has just missed another AA meeting.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 19, 2021, 02:40:17 AM
Your dad's face has gone all flabby with misplaced nostalgia.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 19, 2021, 05:38:18 AM
“You have a mechanism that wakes you up so you don’t shit yourself in your sleep,” says your dad, self-proclaimed “human biology expert”.


“dad, why are you in my room?  it’s four in the morning”


your dad begrudgingly leaves your space, taking all his clanging one-man-band apparatus with him.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 19, 2021, 12:14:41 PM
Your dad is rolling a football of Marmite around the garden while passive-aggressively grumbling about how bad it smells as if we should all be out there in the yeast slick with him like the football-of-Marmite-rolling twats he clearly thinks we are.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: frajer on October 19, 2021, 12:32:29 PM
Your dad fucks it all off.

"Why is there post piling up in the hall, dad?"

"Fucked it off lad. Ask me why the garden's looking so wild."

"Why is the gard-"

"Fucked it off mate."
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 19, 2021, 12:35:58 PM
Your dad drags a comatose dalmation across a field like an absurd tractor.
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 19, 2021, 01:09:14 PM
your dad has installed a “croon deflection unit” above your family home (or “Rotisserie Tits Cottages” as he has christened it)


“you never hear bing crosby anymore and that is all due to me,” he enthuses
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 19, 2021, 05:11:14 PM
Your dad says that the new postman is "black as the ace of spades. Can I say that?"
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Replies From View on October 20, 2021, 12:29:09 AM
your dad announces that the latest milkman is “not dissimilar to the chimney sweeps we used to have around”
Title: Re: Things your dad is doing.
Post by: Glebe on October 20, 2021, 01:23:09 AM
Your dad is wanking over the scene in Smiley's People in the Berlin sex club. "If I had mad video skills I'd edit Alec Guinness out but I just have to squint whenever he's onscreen!" he tells everyone who has come back from the inquiry into the murder of your brother.