Cook'd and Bomb'd

Forums => H.S. Art => Topic started by: shiftwork2 on September 10, 2021, 02:56:47 PM

Title: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: shiftwork2 on September 10, 2021, 02:56:47 PM
You need a new sideboard so get yourself down to Sideboard Bastard on the A47, great sideboard deals
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 03:25:00 PM
I went down to Sideboard Bastard and I couldn't believe the deals they had!

This brown one *gestures* just £479!

And this slightly more beige one with the weird looking handles? *gestures* Take it home today for just £199!

You can put stuff in 'em, you can put stuff on 'em, you can unscrew the legs and shove them right up your fat fuckin arse, exclusively at SIDEBOARD BASTARD.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: The Dog on September 10, 2021, 03:47:21 PM
Honestly I was expecting a good deal, but the range of choice was STAGGERING. Sideboard Bastard has completely changed the sideboard game.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: The Dog on September 10, 2021, 03:50:36 PM
Bought a luxury sideboard for my side, and they threw in a sideboard for my car at no extra cost! Unbelievable.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Twit 2 on September 10, 2021, 04:02:00 PM
Went to Cabinet Munter on the A140 recently but nothing doing.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on September 10, 2021, 04:56:17 PM
Need a jingle?

🎸 I dont care, I dont care, I dont care if he comes round here
     I got my Sideboard Bastard here, let mother sort it out
     If he comes round here
🎸
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: shiftwork2 on September 10, 2021, 05:01:32 PM
They are the absolute tits at throwing things in.  I opened my car boot and Sideboard Mick personally threw in a load of horse waste.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:03:56 PM
SIDEBOARD BASTARD NOW INCORPORATING TALLBOY UNIVERSE
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 10, 2021, 05:07:00 PM
Right well this post contains zero whimsy but now I’ve got a fucking sideboard in the front room as of Wednesday I didn’t want because the wife asked if we should take one [relative] was giving away and I gave a (I thought quite cleverly evasive) response of “I don’t think so, but if you can tell me where you think it should go we can talk about it”.

Next thing I know some fat fuck and his halfwit son from the movers is knocking on the door asking where I want it. “Oh I thought we should take it” she says from upstairs, so now I have to wrangle with these morons who ask for tips at the end of the process (I told them to fuck off the absolute wideboys, carrying stuff out a van into the front room and wanting a bit more on top of the outrageous delivery fee - that I paid - is jokeshop territory).

She comes down once Dumbo and Sons have fucked off: “oh, it is a bit big isn’t it? Do you think it should go there? Though hmm not sure where else to put it really”.

Our front room is hardly massive so now I have this mammoth oaken cunt looming down on me every time I walk in from the hall. I’m going to smash it to bits with a hatchet the second she goes out for an afternoon and blame it on termites and/or the boy (not decided), then stick it in the neighbours skip under cover of night.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on September 10, 2021, 05:09:38 PM
That’s great news ferris, congratulations!
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 10, 2021, 05:10:32 PM
That’s great news ferris, congratulations!

You can fuck off an all.

Though if you’re a dab band with some glue and know when my neighbours are out I know a way you can get a massive sideboard gratis.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: shiftwork2 on September 10, 2021, 05:10:51 PM
See, if you’d gone to see Mick and told him I sent you you wouldn’t have had any of this caper.

A cautionary tale.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:13:15 PM
No, the tallboys aren't just sideboards with the legs snapped off and propped up on their ends. These are the highest quality furniture. Come down today and have a look for yourself, you fucking moron.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:17:03 PM
I promise you wont find a better dweal; nomt today, not tomorrowm,not at fucking workd of furknigture, not any fucking where,s o don't fukin start, aright?
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:17:49 PM
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCKIN SIDEBOARDS MATE
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 10, 2021, 05:19:48 PM
Loved it until the chains started popping up, then moving into different markets of sideboard need.

SIDEBOARD INFANTICIDE - No, it was rubbish
SIDEBOARD AIDS WALLIES - Again, just no

Why do they always end up getting greedy and push things too far
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:26:04 PM
Think of a sideboard as a chaise longue that your crystal glasses and nice decanter set can have a nice lay down on, but inside and behind a door and your mum's nice silver service and place mats can go in there as well and maybe she can put her record player on top, I don't know, but think of it like that, please.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:26:32 PM
Please think of it like that.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: shiftwork2 on September 10, 2021, 05:27:19 PM
Nightstand Neutron Bomb on the A146 is in no way connected with Sideboard Bastard.  Mick has just whatsapped me and asked me to clarify.  Happy to clarify.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:27:56 PM
No, wait, there's no chaise longues here. It's just sideboards. The clue's in the name: Sideboard Bastard now incorporating Tallboy Universe.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:28:27 PM
And Tallboys because of the incorporation, of course.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:29:20 PM
We do have tallboys, I must point that out. The finest tallboys on the A47, and sideboards, but not chaise longues. You can't get those here, please. It was just a metaphor, I'm sorry.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:31:14 PM
It's a good metaphor, though. I make no apologies for the quality of that.

Nor do I make any apologies for the quality of our sideboards which are the best in the business: GUARANTEED.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:32:23 PM
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, SIDEYBO-OARDS, SIDEYBOARDS FOR YOUUUUUUUUU.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:34:28 PM
Just pointing out now that song is a pastiche of the famous sanitary towel ads from the 90s and not saying that we sell something called "sideyboards". You can cut that shit out now. They're called SIDEBOARDS.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on September 10, 2021, 05:35:58 PM
Sideboard
Sideboard, sideboard
Sideboard, sideboard
Sideboard

SIDEBOARD BASTARD

Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:37:49 PM
YES!!!!

And there are "NO LIMITS" to the savings you'll make!
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:38:45 PM
If anything, you could say the savings are 2UNLIMITED (too unlimited)!!!
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:41:59 PM
Just been down to DFS to look at their sideboards. Save yourself a trip, son, it's all fucking shite down there. And that's the Sideboard Bastard promise.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: shiftwork2 on September 10, 2021, 05:42:42 PM
Dreadful Fucking Sideboards.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Huxleys Babkins on September 10, 2021, 05:47:54 PM
Yes! That's exactly what it stands for! Dreadful Fucking Sideboards incorporating Tallboys For Shit Wankers. FUCKING AVOID.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 10, 2021, 06:11:20 PM
Suspicious arson attack on MANTELPIECE PURGATORY nearby
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: The Dog on September 10, 2021, 06:28:44 PM
Got to be honest I don’t really know what a sideboard is or what they are for.

Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Glebe on September 10, 2021, 08:13:03 PM
Oh you cunt! You cunt of a sideboard!
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on September 10, 2021, 08:56:09 PM
Got to be honest I don’t really know what a sideboard is or what they are for.

It's that thing you keep cocking your leg up and pissing on, you naughty boy.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: Mr Farenheit on September 11, 2021, 07:31:25 AM
My house was not a home, until the day I met SIDEBOARD BASTARD
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: seepage on September 11, 2021, 08:40:05 AM
I've got the union jack cushions, union jack rug, and now, a sideboard with union jacks lovingly scratched into the doors[1]. Thanks, SIDEBOARD BASTARD!
 1. sadly this bit is true :(
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: seepage on September 11, 2021, 08:49:49 AM
"You sure that's where you want it? 'cos after that, that thing's going nowhere, son!" - Thanks, SIDEBOARD BASTARD!

'I paid for you to unpack it and put in a location of my choice, please'. "You've got to be fuckin' kidding, son!" - Thanks, SIDEBOARD BASTARD!
 
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: pancreas on September 11, 2021, 09:48:11 AM
To be honest, I prefer Wardrobe Rapist on the A69 near Corbridge. Better selection of oak items.
Title: Re: Sideboard Bastard
Post by: The Dog on September 11, 2021, 12:35:04 PM
My mate Dave bought a sideboard from Wardrobe Rapist and it turned out to be a dresser that they’d painted up.

He started drinking after that, lost his job and his wife. He ended up homeless, and living out of his painted-up dresser on a patch of wasteland between Jaxx’s Nightclub and Europe’s second largest landfill. Used to spend his day wandering around furniture stores staring at the sideboards for hours on end, then shuffling over to the dressers to stare at them for a while, and then back to the sideboards muttering.

So one day, exactly two years after trusting his future to an inferior furniture retailer, fate intervened and he stumbled into SIDEBOARD BASTARD on the A47, stinking of gin and sideboard paint. Security were about to escort him out but the manager Chris Sideboard waved them away, and took Dave into his office where they started talking. After Chris heard his story, he called his manager, Barry Sideboard, and without hesitation SIDEBOARD BASTARD offered to exchange Dave’s sham dresser for a full-spec country-style sideboard at absolutely no cost! Then they offered him a job!

Turned out Dave was now a serious authority on sideboards and dressers, and he went on to design some of the most radical and daring sideboards in recent history. You have almost certainly seen one of Dave’s sideboards surrounded by Calvin Klein models on a giant billboard, or sharing the screen with Oscar winning actors in numerous Hollywood hits. What really made his fortune though, was when he sold one of his designs to NASA, and it was used for the sideboards on the international space station.

He lives in a big house now, drives a sports car, even got back with his wife. So, basically, whatever else you do, make sure you always buy all your sideboards from SIDEBOARD BASTARD.