LEGEND GARY PART TWO

[Glebe]

"Daz, get me more Stella."

"It's 6AM Gary."

"And? GET ME MORE STELLA!"

[dex]

Daz spills a bowl of cereal in the front room. "Fuck sake, Daz! Clear that up now!"
"You fucking clear it up, Gary!" Comes Daz's cold reply.
Ledge is dumfounded. So much so that he clears up the soiled carpet himself.

[Glebe]

Daz spills a bowl of cereal in the front room. "Fuck sake, Daz! Clear that up now!"
"You fucking clear it up, Gary!" Comes Daz's cold reply.
Ledge is dumfounded. So much so that he clears up the soiled carpet himself.

"Have y'finished yet, Gary?"

"YOU try getting Bran Flakes out of this weave!"

[king_tubby]

'BORIS JOHNSON'S HAVING A PARTY, BRING YOUR VODKA BRING YOUR CHARLIE'

'Sir, this is a whist drive for Age Concern'

[the Fallen]

Gary makes his own Frosties with his own sugar if you catch his drift Daz no I don't use milk that would ruin the beak also no cornflakes don't be stupid

Gary goes down facefirst into the bowl. Breakfast of Champions

[Paul Calf]

Gary tells Daz about this method he's heard where you can do coke up your arse.

[Glebe]

Gary tells Daz about this method he's heard where you can do coke up your arse.

"It's not working Daz!"

"Pull your trousers up Gary the parole officer and his wife and children are here."

[Paul Calf]

"Can't do fucking anything these days. Fucking health and safety gone mad, Daz"

[Glebe]

"Can't do fucking anything these days. Fucking health and safety gone mad, Daz"

"And I think for your own health and safety Mr. Parole Officer you'd better come back when he calms down."

"Wise words young Daz. Now if you'll excuse myself and my family, who I unwisely brought along, the sight of Gary's anus covered in cocaine is making us all rather ill."

[Fambo Number Mive]

Even Gary is calling for Boris Johnson to resign

[Glebe]

Even Gary is calling for Boris Johnson to resign

"And I never thought I'd say this Daz, but Prince Andy fuck me what an utter shit!"

Daz dares to wonder if Gary is becoming changed man, but then realises that things have just gotten 'beyond-Gary' bad.

[Paul Calf]

"I'd give that Princess Meg one though, when she gets fed up of that bollockless ginger cunt."

[the Fallen]

Even Gary is calling for Boris Johnson to resign

Cunt is ashamed to party

He should own it Daz. I would. I do

[Paul Calf]

Daz explains to Gary his tactic for winning at The Questions.

"Got to start it by snorting a couple of fat rails off the desk thing in front of me..."

"...the Despatch Box, Gary?"

"No, it's not a fucking box, it's like a desk thing that they bang their fists on. Anyway, after I'd snorted the fuckers up and rubbed the dregs into me gums, I'd whack me knob out on the box and tell them to fucking beat that. After that I'd ask why I've got to answer wanker questions from some loser cunt who can't even win a fucking election then I'd offer any cunt out who fancies it. Couple of cans, and I'd be into the secretary back in my private palace or whatever the president's got to wank and watch porn in."

"The Foreign Secretary?"

"No, Daz. Brexit."

[Glebe]

Gary is fiending for the Stella.

[Glebe]

Gary stares unblinkingly at Daz for an hour.

[Glebe]

Gary breaks into your dad's shed and steals his Flymo. "Gonna use this in my low-budget Bond movie, Daz!"

[Glebe]

Gary hires Loans the Clown for his daughter Lobelia's baby shower.

[Glebe]

Gary treats Daz to a Haribo feast.

[the Fallen]

Gary housekeys into Boss Nathan's red Renault Clio a chilling warning that'll let Boss Nathan know exactly just who's the real top boy around here.

"Come on Gary, he might come out his gaff and see us!" Daz says, with his collar up to shield him from CCTV he imagines.

Scritch scratch scrape. Says Gary, "Don't have kittens you bare poof. I'm still doing the O's"

Done, Gary pockets his keys and admires his handiwork.

FUK UGAY LMAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[the Fallen]

It was an ugly scene with little need for provocation and best jettisoned from the memory by all concerned but in the toilet of the Ram and Slug last night it came to pass that Gary well battered a flid

[the Fallen]

Legendary Gary stares out Mythical Mike, even raising his gaze as he lifts his Carlsberg so his severe look is by glass unbroken.

"Did his mate just call him top boy Daz?"

"Eh? What, Bad Eddie said what?"

Gary seethes still, Daz can almost see the lager evaporate.

Gaz eventually speaks. "Top. Fuckin. Boy. There's only one top boy Daz. I've had em all, any other so-called top boy."

"Gang Lewis? Lucas Smith? Black Admo? I remember them mate, " Daz says to reassure his friend. "They was all fucked by you and you're a hard man make no mistake."

Gary's eyes still do not diverge from Mythical Mike there in his leather jacket and hat. The wide fuck. So what if it's cold. Gary puffers up his shoulders and stance within his puffer jacket there at the table and he doesn't need a cigarette to smoke as he's smouldering there next to Daz who can't help but notice and they exchange a harsh glance before Gary fixes Daz with a look of honest intent.

"I've fucked em all, Daz. I've taken each and every one of em. I'm hardest boy around and all these so-called top boys got proper fucked and I am at my hardest making a so-called hard man cry for me to stop."

Mythical Mike walks past to get to the bar and instinctively Gary raises his voice.

"I'VE FUCKED THEM ALL. THEY'VE ALL BEEN DONE BY LEGEND GARY. EVERY TOP BOY I SEE ENDS UP GETTING FUCKED AND I'M THE CUNT FUCKING THESE BOYS."

Mythical Mike stops for a second, wry grin in place. Tall cunt.

"That's what he said," he claims, tips a wink and goes on his merry little way. Daz doesn't think much of the delivery but Gary practically grabs Darryl and hauls him off to the toilet for God knows what dirty business.

Gary refuels in the pub toilet and bangs his fucking fists on the walls, almost screaming as the monster slugs of charlie he did off the cistern (he did most of Daz's) courses through his claret to brain and heart. Daz has seen it a time or seventy before but it never abates.

"I am fucking top boy," Gary insists. "I am the top boy. SAY IT DAZ"

Gary grabs Daz's puffer jacket from the lapels and hauls Daz within kissing distance and pins him against the wall with his elbows and sucks down some urine-scented air to better deliver his stunning conclusion:

"I AM ON TOP HERE DAZ AND I'M ON TOP OF YOU AND ON TOP OF ANY QUEER WHO WALKS INTO THESE TOILETS. I'LL FUCK EM ALL. I AM TOP BOY. SAY IT. LEGEND GARY LANGTON IS YOUR TOP BOY AND I AM THE BOSS FUCKER!!"

Daz's eyes are shut like he's receiving some punishment but he knows his role and he's there to serve Gary. "You're my top boy. You're everyone's. You dominate all of us. You could take me without thinking about it."

"Sorry lads," quips Mythical Mike suddenly there at the bogs, peeping round the door.

They all look at eachother in a Mexican standoff that seems to last forever. Michael speaks first: "..... That`s what he said."

Even Gary, Daz fancies, knows that delivery was exquisite. Mike tips his fucking wanker hat and departs the bog doorway with a smile.

.... Gary boots the hot air hand-dryer clear off the porcelain wall and kicks in the shitter for good measure. He's like an animal, all rage and pointless fury, Daz worries he'll go the full Cregan any minute now. God knows Gary's talked about that.

Got to try something.

"Don't worry Gary," soothes Daz. "You're always top boy to me."

Mythical Mike has popped his head in and wordlessly smiles and out it goes again.

Daz survives long enough to get to A&E just about. Gary texted him sorry.

"SOZ mate. HOPE AM STILL UR TOP BOY"

Daz waits a bit before replying Always. There's no kisses at the end, don't be stupid

[the Fallen]

Legend Gary kicks an empty bottle of San Miguel down the street until he sees a BMW then hoofs it so hard it has an upward trajectory albeit spinning backwards and reaches the BMW back window and crashes through it so the alarm goes off with glass flying all about and he moves into the street with his arms out as if appealing to the very world to come ahead.

A moment passes. The alarm stops. Nobody's in anyway, no light in the semi-detached.

"Thought so," Gary states before hurrying on. "Shiteing cunts"

[the Fallen]

Gary points out the black girl in the pub

[the Fallen]

Daz sneezes and politely blows into tissue and he's right as rain

Gary points and dances a circle: "COVID! COVID! SHITE FOR BLOOD"

[Glebe]

"Daz, will you take the knee in honour of all the Garies around the world?"

"Um okay Gary."

"No stay standing up mate."

Gary knees Daz in the groin.

[the Fallen]

Gary works on a sexy brunette - for a change, variety the spice of life - and gains success by describing himself to her all night as Daz's carer.

"He's Dazmo Spazmo he calls himself" he said at one point. "His noises interrupted my smooth jazz. But we are mates. Brothers. What else could I do? I get so fine into my cooking this cunt can't fuck owt out"

Daz reels over to their table at the end - the only point Gary is too drunk to play blocker defence - she's saying hope everyone had a nice night!

The girl is extra cute and fawning. Kisses Daz on cheek. "Poor little guy" under her breath.

Gary's going to bust her hole open a few yards wider and fling his squirted cum in her face after so hard it'll make her makeup run, but he likes that look. Her pal, if I play it right Daz, can lick it off.

Don't worry, folks. Daz will get dregs if she has bent mates she wants to call over to Daz's. There's enough sniff to go around if they can pay for their own

[Glebe]

Gary has rebranded himself The Garynator. You'd be well advised to avoid the precinct tonight.

"YOUR CLOTHES."

[Glebe]

"Here Gary, switch over to ITV, Catchphrase is starting!"

"What you on about Daz, we're in the middle of watching the match!"

"But Gary... Rontos!"

All the lads stare at Daz.

"Y'know... Rontos Chips!"

The lads look confused for a moment then turn back to the match.

After several moments, Gary mutters "It was no good after Roy left. And they modernized Rontos."

[Glebe]

Gary deems peanut butter "a kind of caviar."