Glands in the cookie jar

[Partridge's Love Child]

I have only ever been sacked from one job, when I somehow managed to commit minor fraud without realising it.  Quite frankly I was so embarrassed by the fact that I didn't even go near the place of work again for two years, though I was and still am a little bitter about the fact that I lost my job by owning up and being a terribly honest and honourable chap, when everyone else lied through their teeth and kept their jobs.

And bearing this in mind, it would have been nice to leave the company with some sort of two-fingered parting shot - a little kick in the goolies to those that shat all over me when I was determined not to put anyone else in the frame to excuse my own error.  Something like, say what an artist type chap did at Huntley & Palmer, the famous biscuitieres...

One of them Ananova types[/url]"]An artist who was sacked by a biscuit company took revenge by adding sex scenes to their famous tins.

Shame he wasn't able to put them on the biscuits themselves.  It'd be like those sports biscuits, only with porno stick men getting blown off or having a knee-trembler 'round the back of Dixons.  A porn biscuit would pretty much make my life complete.  Wasn't there some mongs on a similar theme once?

Tens of thousands were sold before a grocer noticed a couple romping in the bushes, two dogs locked together and a jam jar with the word shit on it.

A little momento for those of you that didn't like Chris Morris' last TV series there.  Anyway, here's your homework for the weekend: go to the homes of your respective grans and aunties, and see if they've got a tin of biccies with a dunking scene on it.

And while we're at it, has anyone ever left a job with similar style.  I briefly shared a house with a chap who was actually rather odd (not the same one as mentioned in the stupid people thread), however I have to take my hat off to him for marching into his bosses office, and telling him to "shove your job up your arse".  Not particularly original I'll confess, except to say that whilst he did it he was recording himself on mini disc for posterity, just so that he'd always have a momento of him telling his boss to stick it for ever more.

[smoker]

there was a case recently, a large batch of cadbury's wispas had to be withdrawn after rude words were found on the bar codes

when i was 16 or so myself and my best mate were waiters at our local pub/restaurant. it was a very small place, few staff, but popular with the locals and the food had a good reputation, so most nights it was fairly busy and the staff naturally had a lot to do. the owner was a real git, bent as a 9 bob, kind of like uncle monty crossed with elton john and both trapped in the body of an overweight depressed landlord. he was forever dropping things in the kitchen so either me or tom would have to bend over and pick them up so he could have a quick look at our arses.

anyway aubrey, for that was and for all i know stilll is, his name, had a bit of a thing for tom's dad. the object of his affection was a happily married truck driver and didn't take kindly to the constant flirtatious remarks sent his way across the bar, particulalry when he was sat having a drink with all his mates. so one night just before christmas he got a bit angry and aubrey slung him out and barred him. then, purely for spite, he also sacked tom on the spot.

i'd been planning to jack the job in for a while anyway, but since aubrey was also the chef, and besides me and tom there was only a barman and a kitchen hand working there as well, i thought it might be pretty good revenge to hand in my notice then and there, leaving aubrey well and truly screwed for the busy christmas period with plenty of tables booked for christmas and boxing day and no time to hire more staff.

and tom and me, we both got jobs the next week at the next pub up the road, and were followed there by tom's dad and all his mates, comprising a large slice of aubrey's regulars.

[Kawaii Five-O]

there was a case recently, a large batch of cadbury's wispas had to be withdrawn after rude words were found on the bar codes

That was Aeros, I think.

I haven't got a story of my own to tell because I've still got the only job I've ever had, but the bloke was sacked from one of the poshest hotels in South Wales for chasing his boss around the kitchen (in an exaggerated, comedy tip-toeing style) with a meat cleaver.

[Crazy Penis]

I was facing redundancy in my first job due to losing a big contract and the latest GM wasn't treating me very fairly.
My line manager came round my house one morning because I hadn't turned up for work (I didn't have a phone). The conversation sort of went like this.
Him: Why didn't you turn up this morning. You look terrible.
Me: (still off my face from the night before, and after having one hours sleep)I'm not feeling too good.
Him: So your not coming in then.
Me. No
Him. OK I'll tell the GM. See you tomorrow maybe.
Me: No you won't. I'm never coming in.
Him: (stuttering) what you mean you're quitting.
Me: Yes, I won't ever be coming back hahaha
Him: It's going to be a really busy day for me as it is.
Me: As it was.
Him: er alright see you then.

I waited for him to get back to his car which was parked some way down the road then shouted him.
"Don't you want the warehouse keys?"
and threw them as far as I could before closing the door and sniggering to myself.
The wages clerk took pity on me for how I had been treated prior to this and paid me £1000 extra in my wages for the final month too.

I can't reveal too much more because company names would have to be mentioned, but a rep for one of our suppliers liked me and not my boss. It was up to him to recommend one of two companies for the new contract. They lost that contract shortly after aswell then eventually went bankrupt.
Ok so it wasn't all because of me but I like to think I 'played my part' in it.

My second place of work went bankrupt too, after I left.
I'm currently in my third full time job.

[Lt Plonker]

I've been growing angrier every shift I work at the cinema. The customers are, by and large, fucking arogant and rude cunts. I've  come close to pulling a Basil Fawlty style rant at them, but I'm saving it for my last day there.

Never been fired though. One girl at work marched out on Monday and we haven't seen her since.

[Marcus Or Relius]

I got sacked from my student job at a supermarket for writing "I fucking hate customers"  on the cash-register in biro. I was surprised when the manager hauled me into the office about that; I thought I was getting pinched for telling a customer to "Fuck off, my checkout is closed" a week beforehand, having not been sure if my supervisor had heard me or not.

How I laughed! I was going to leave within a week anyway to go to Uni.

My brother once started a job at 9AM. He went for a cig break at 9:20AM and never came back. "I didn't like it," he told me at 11:15AM, phoning from the pub down the road from his former workplace, adding "I'm gonna pissed and wind down after a hard morning's work."

[Hairy Chin]

I've got nowt really interesting to tell, just childish, purile ones.

When I was a barman at a restaurant, we had this huge pile of leaflet-type menus for folk to take home. Not long before I left, I got a thick felt pen and drew a big cock inside one of them (the classic style one you see doodled/graffiti'd on walls and schoolbooks) and randomly put it back in the pile somewhere near the bottom. To this day I'd still liked to have seen the faces of the people as they opened it - just for an incredibly cheap chuckle.

When I was sacked from the last place I worked for I stuck the key up my ass before returning it in an envelope. It was one of those security keys with the grooves in the key and no pokey-out bits - if there were sharp bits I'd just have returned it properly.

[Schlippy]

I got sacked once because my shithead boss made a series of epically stupid mistakes that ended up costing the organisation nearly 3/4 of a million sterlings, and as the loudest and most vocal opponent of his foolishness I was obviously to blame for everything.

I got tipped off by a friend in HR over a pint at lunch that I was being given the bullet at close of play that day. Initially, my back went right up, but my friend explained that the powers that be had already decided how this was going to play out, that it wasn't just shithead boss involved but also the head of HR and the CEO.

After a couple of pints I couldn't have cared less - in fact it was a relief. The atmosphere at work had been abominable, I hadn't enjoyed working there for a long time, and I knew I wouldn't have any problem finding another job. So I toddled back to work to wait (a bit shakily, truth be told) for the inevitable summons.

I could have used this time to wreak some terrible vengeance (I work in IT, and had administrator access privileges to the system), but instead settled for some childish name-calling. Because individuals were referred to by codes in the operational components of the system (PLC would CHILDPL, f'rinstance), with their full names only appearing on official documentation, I took the liberty of changing a select few exec's Christian names to their nicknames.

My favourite was "Fingers", a woman who got drunk at a Christmas party (which, as the organisation was spread over many sites, involved most of the staff being put up overnight in a hotel), and then presented herself on a male colleague's bed in her negligé, fingers-a-go-go.

It was nearly a month before anyone noticed, when a member rang in to ask why his case handler had been changed. Shithead boss rings me to tell me that, because of this discovery, I would be not be provided with any references from them, despite having worked there for nearly six years.

Shithead boss rang me at my new job to tell me this.

And, sweetest of all, for agreeing to go quietly at the time I pocketed three months wages in cash. Kiss my face.

[Pinball]

Years ago when I was a stoodent our landlady attempted to evict us from our delightful sarf London bedsit because we wanted to pay by cheque and not cash. I arranged a meeting with her about it and asked if she was attempting tax evasion. She was naturally shocked at the suggestion, though did conclude by saying she wanted us ahhhhhhhhhht of the arrrrrrse. I tape recorded it, and still treasure the recording :-)

Related to that matter, the cow actually changed the front door lock the next day so we couldn't get in. Charming. However, she was outflanked because we'd moved the night before to a flat literally 2 minutes away. She only thought we were still there because I was having loud conversations with myself (virtual girlfriend). End result: saved a month's rent. hehe

[Regular John]

We frequently used to draw massive cocks on customers carbon paper contracts and edit other peoples work (CAD drawings for survey) when they left their computer alone. Changing roof to poof was quite an easy one to get away with!

[weekender]

It's not really related, but I've changed someone's 'm' and 'n' keys over on their keyboard at work because I don't like them.  The fuckers can sack me, it's a fucking nightmare to work there anyway.

I did get given a verbal warning when I worked at Tesco, because apparently I asked a female manageress if she'd swallow.  Of course it wasn't like that, the conversation went along the lines of:

FM: I really need you to stay tonight until 10pm.
W: I can't, I've got things planned.
FM: Pretty please?
W: Sorry.

This went on for about five minutes, until the following happened:

FM: Please stay, I'll do anything...
W: What, even swallow?

She laughed, I wouldn't have said it if she wasn't the sort of person who could take a joke.  Then she mentioned it in passing to one of the managers and that was it, in the office for me.  Fortunately I now earn double what the managers do, the unhumourless cunts.

Still, I did use to steal loads of cigarettes and alcohol from there, so that made me feel better.  All you need to do is know a similarly minded cleaner who is responsible for cleaning the car park, it's easy.  You, as someone responsible for the warehouse, arrange for the stock you want to steal to be hidden near the exit to the car park.  Cleaner picks it up, hides it in his cleaning machine, and takes it to the car park.  Hide it underneath the recycling bins which are about 100 yards away from the supermarket itself, and you split it up at the end of your shifts.  Easy.

[Crazy Penis]

Still, I did use to steal loads of cigarettes and alcohol from there, so that made me feel better.  All you need to do is know a similarly minded cleaner who is responsible for cleaning the car park, it's easy.  You, as someone responsible for the warehouse, arrange for the stock you want to steal to be hidden near the exit to the car park.  Cleaner picks it up, hides it in his cleaning machine, and takes it to the car park.  Hide it underneath the recycling bins which are about 100 yards away from the supermarket itself, and you split it up at the end of your shifts.  Easy.

If you ever get a job as a bank manager let me know and I'll apply for a cleaning job.


I get really tempted sometimes to put 'shit managers' instead of 'shift managers' when I put it in an email.
I also like to write scripts and assign them to keys (usually enter) which won't do anything unless they are in a certain screen and then when they press enter it puts a rude word on the screen and quickly deletes it.
I also have one that would erase all the stock on a specific date and time and when a specific person has just used the computer. Some days I'm so tempted.....

[weekender]

I also like to write scripts and assign them to keys (usually enter) which won't do anything unless they are in a certain screen and then when they press enter it puts a rude word on the screen and quickly deletes it.

Heh, that's great, you should share the scripts around.

[Schlippy]

Heh, I used to love pulling little stunts like that when I worked in development. Having stuff behave differently when particularly troublesome users were in the driving seat, or changing captions on dialogs based on timers, so the first time a box comes up on a given day it's called "Suck Satan's Cock" or somesuch, which then reverts back to its normal state after 5 seconds or so.

Or stuff that would randomly fire off an update or insert statement to an unrelated table. One nasty little "bug" I included is still giving shit today, some four years after it was originally included.

Best of all is to write some malicious code, compile and release it, before deleting the malicious bit and popping the (clean) code back under source control. Deviousness like that takes forever to track down (especially if the maliciousness affects something completely unrelated to the infected component), and usually isn't fixed until the component in question is upgraded in the natural order of things.

I wouldn't give me a job, that's for sure. All it takes is a couple of pints, and a "hey, I wonder if I could get away with..."

[Pinball]

If you're anything like me, you'll know how hard it is to dispose of corpses. Sure, you can burn most of the remains in the garden with a bit of petrol, but, y'know, the bones just won't burn, which means there's always the possibility of the pigs finding some DNA in the bone marrow or something, if ever they find where you buried them. So you can spend all day vacuuming the girl's pubes out of the carpet, and replacing the car's tyres, but it'll all be for nothing if those bones get discovered.

So, anyway, I know this cleaner at the local crematorium, and out of hours he...  etc. ;-)

[Crazy Penis]

I also like to write scripts and assign them to keys (usually enter) which won't do anything unless they are in a certain screen and then when they press enter it puts a rude word on the screen and quickly deletes it.

Heh, that's great, you should share the scripts around.

The system we use is AS400 / WCSS. If you use that I'd be glad to. It's a bit out-dated though so I doubt you do.