Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[Ferris]

A Tuesday night in, your only company 2 cheap bottles of red wine and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.

[batwings]

Outshone by a fluke worm.

[Cuellar]

You spend 3 weeks knitting a cardigan for a newborn that turns out to be a complete arsehole

[batwings]

Paralysed below the eyebrows, you are forced to watch your childhood nemesis turn a tidy profit on Flog It!.

[Chollis]

"Most people think you're a horrible little rat, but you're alright in my book"
"Thanks Dad"

[Kankurette]

At the Manic Street Preachers gig, James Dean Bradfield announces that he's off for a fag and hands his guitar to Nicky Wire, who proceeds to knock out an endless acoustic set which includes Vivian, Quest for Ancient Colour, and the entirety of Postcards from a Young Man while Sean cries into a tom.

[touchingcloth]

You spend 3 weeks knitting a cardigan for a newborn that unfortunately dies in the womb but not wanting your knitting effort to go to waste you shove the cardigan up your cunt and ask for an ultrasound

[touchingcloth]

No one is the least bit surprised when Not All Men memes start getting plastered all over James Bond's Facebook timeline.

[petril]

You understand what a king bin is.

the classroom contains two different-sized bins and your teacher reckons they're a funny cunt

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

In a fit of existential pique, you take a magnet to all your 3.5" floppy disks with your usenet porn on them ... and then spend the next two months feeling like pure shit just want them back

This is very funny

[PlanktonSideburns]

In hospital having a gastric band fitted... to your tapeworm.

Worst Kilroy ever

[PlanktonSideburns]

Trapped inside a haunted copy of Livin' La Vida Loca.

Specifically this version

https://youtu.be/UL1iDCRhvHA

[jenna appleseed]

Your new hobby is collecting all the Kings and throwing them in the King Bin.

[Glebe]

You wake at 5AM to begin another shift in the 'phimosis grating' plant.

[touchingcloth]

James Acaster releases Acasta's Paradise, a cover of Coolio's 90s hit. You'd assume this was done with no small amount of irony, but in fact there is none. There is none irony and he is proud of his song and the accompanying music video, which was widely described as "well, it's not not racist".

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your death threats to Toby Anstiss mutate into a sort of Highland Games themed performance.

[touchingcloth]

You attempt to turn "a Mark Speight" into Cockney rhyming slang for "a masturbate".

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your teddy Poobert is eviscerated at Show and Tell by Year 2 kingpin and strongman Daldon. All laugh.

[Ferris]

28 years etc

[batwings]

Mum catches you having a trousers-off wank to the video of your own birth.

[poo]

Hah

[Catalogue of ills]

Your piles have grown so big you could fuck people with them. No takers yet though.

[dissolute ocelot]

You accost a teenage girl in a Nirvana t-shirt for knowing nothing about their music and are forced to spend the next 6 hours listening to her read her Krist Novoselic fanfic.

[petril]

a PPI nostalgia cash-in single gets to number 3 in the charts

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Ending it all after not getting an Andy Capp reference made by the compere at a raffle.

[PlanktonSideburns]

a PPI nostalgia cash-in single gets to number 3 in the charts

Great

[Ferris]

Brian from Guildford remortgages his house to finance a project he will only describe as "MEGA-CHODE".

[Glebe]

"Hiya tapeworm mate."

[petril]

your brother joins in a technical conversation by making a superficial gag about every term that comes up

[Ferris]

You delay filing divorce proceedings in order to buy tickets for a Bang Face Weekender.