Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[Glebe]

That egg nog tastes funny.

[shoulders]

You do such a shart that it wrecks the luminiferous aether for yonks

[touchingcloth]

A free jazz horn player named Pat Shat?

[Glebe]

Hungover and demotivated - it's a bloody nightmare, really DESO!

[Twit 2]

Your gremial region is scorned by a cashiered bishop.

[Twit 2]

Your mum GlaxoSmithKlines your cum tissues as an abortifacient.

[batwings]

After a night of soul searching, a socially isolated abattoir worker changes his Facebook status from 'Jake Yap enthusiast' to 'James Veitch superfan'.

[pancreas]

'Sir, I don't care if it's a human turd or not. It is not an adequate substitute for a face mask.'

[shoulders]

Your shares in GlenDimplex pay out in war crimes

[dex]

Your latest deso-cold has you coughing up shite instead of phlegm.

[batwings]

Can't think of a name for your new wife made of corned beef and coat hangers so you use screaming internally as a placeholder.

[Glebe]

A Basil Fawlty impersonator joins in enthusiastically at an protest in Dover. "Say what you want about Farage but he's right on some points."

"Do your Basil Fawlty!"

"Not now mate this is more pressing."

[H-O-W-L]

Touching an AM radio transmitter by mistake, the last thought in your mind is the payday loan ad that is conducted through your body.

[touchingcloth]

Mel Bastard.

[Glebe]

Every time you touch yourself a crow attacks an innocent depressive.

[batwings]

Saturday night. Stare at a moth for a bit.

[frajer]

You win a mandatory cruise and bad weather confines you to your cabin, where your bunkmate is a seasick Kevin Smith who won't stop podcasting while retching with every other breath.

[Glebe]

There is a man in a Reg Varney mask peering through your bedroom window.

[touchingcloth]

Saturday night. Stare at a moth for a bit.

On Sunday, you play "who can stare at the moth longest?" with your conjoined twin.

[Glebe]

Such a miserable Tuesday, and is that the sound of nuclear annihilation I hear?

[Glebe]

Deliberately bummed by a steam engine.

[Ferris]

You pay extra to get "piston".

(Pissed on.)

[Glebe]

You pay extra to get "piston".

(Pissed on.)

Real life deso!

[Catalogue of ills]

You are described as "the ponce's ponce" by Ponce magazine.

[shoulders]

The second, often first thing people ask you is, "How is your deformity?"

[Spoon of Ploff]

A mime and a web services support specialist fight over the last bag of burst broccoli while Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time plays over the supermarket tannoy.

[Glebe]

Phone charger won't work and your IBS is playing up. The two are not related, but so what? They don't have to be. Don't argue, it's deso enough as it is.

[Ferris]

Reading your own joke and proper laughing before realizing you're the one that posted and no one, no one, else finds it the least bit amusing you spoon.

[Glebe]

Might pop out for some fresh air oh no it's fucking dark and Baltic fuck winter balls.

[buttgammon]

Lewis Hamilton is asked what drives him on to such heights of success.

"My hatred of the Welsh. Sheep-shaggers can't even drive."