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May 20, 2022, 06:12:10 AM

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Things your dad is doing.

Started by Glebe, May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM

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Glebe

Your dad describes the intellectually-challenged man next door as "a bit simple. He believes in all that religious horseshit."

Replies From View

you can tell from the mutterings under his breath that he is fantasising about impressing you on a big stage with a massive audience


".....and now, will you welcome to the stage....... your dad!!!   yeah woohooo brilliant!!   aw dad you were so brilliant tonight, what an amazing show"

frajer

Your dad loves checking out the annual scarecrow contest, or as he puts it "that load of scratchy MILFs who know their place."

Glebe

Your dad pretends he has dated Toni Braxton.

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on October 29, 2021, 04:26:14 PM
Your dad pretends he has dated Toni Braxton.

"Ehh, oh wait, not Braxton... Parsons! I've still got his mower now I think of it."

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on October 29, 2021, 05:10:27 PM"Ehh, oh wait, not Braxton... Parsons! I've still got his mower now I think of it."

"I call it my 'gay period'. Parsons is an arsehole of course so I kinda dodged a bullet."

Replies From View

your dad is rattling out the pros and cons of lemsip that he has learned verbatim from the funeral of a man who died from a paracetamol overdose

poo

Your dad goes to Istanbul and gets a cunt shoved up his arse

Glebe

Your dad keeps telling you to "wrap up well!" as you're leaving. "Wrap up well, son!"

"Dad, my car is in the driveway. It's not even cold!"

"All the same, wrap up well!"

Then when you get into your car, he pokes his head in the window and tells you to "wrap up well!"

"Wrap up well! Make sure he wraps up well, my son's wife! You too, grandchildren! Tell your father to 'wrap up well!"

Sherringford Hovis

Your dad keeps telling you "You won't feel the benefit!" as you're arriving. "You won't feel the benefit, son!"

"We're only stopping for five minutes, I'll leave me jacket on."

"All the same, you won't feel the benefit!"

Then when you go outside, he pokes his head out the window and tells you "You won't feel the benefit!"

"You won't feel the benefit! He won't feel the benefit, my son's wife! You too, grandchildren! Tell your father he won't feel the benefit!"

Glebe

"You'll miss it when you go out!"

"Dad, I've taken me coat off!"

"That jumper's very thick though, you'll feel it when you go out if you leave it on! That wind is like a knife! Tell him, my son's wife!"

Sherringford Hovis

"Have you not got a brolly? You need a brolly! Take my spare brolly! Take it! Have it! You will need a brolly!"

"Dad, it's June. There's a hosepipe ban on. You remember Lorraine Kelly talking about the hosepipe ban on your kitchen telly?"

"A brolly's always handy. You never know! When you need a brolly, you need a brolly!"

"Thanks, Dad. We'll take a brolly."

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: Replies From View on October 28, 2021, 05:30:27 PM
your dad is sending a new slogan idea to McCain's oven chips:  "they are son-rapingly excellent"

I gotta say, Glebe's posts in this thread have been top drawer of late

touchingcloth

Your dad is peeling his own face off with a shard of broken mirror before waving it in front of David Dickinson going "how much for this? How much for fucking this?"

popcorn

Your dad likes the riffs in Rage Against the Machine but "just doesn't understand rapping".

touchingcloth

Your dad is shitting himself again.

Glebe

Your dad goes out trick or treating and ends up on a register.

Fr.Bigley

Your dad is convinced waitrose sells everything. He has never been though.

Glebe

Your dad won't accept that Eminem is not 'new music'.

Replies From View

your dad is boasting about his bed sores


"son, you wouldn't understand it but you get quite the number of bed sores when you're as active in the bedroom as I am!!"

Glebe

Your dad is describing a drawing your infant child has done as "AIDS-tier".

KaraokeDragon

Your dad is walking to the fridge under threat of being transfigured into poultry by the Chicken Witch of the West.

Glebe

Every so often your dad will artfully slip 'there's too many of them coming over' into a conversation.

"Mmmm, these rich tea bicuits are lovely son. By the way, there's too many of them coming over..."

jenna appleseed

Off topic but nobody in real life is going to understand why I'm finding this so fucking funny.

My dad genuinely just sent me an an email re my mum just dying and him wanting to come to the funeral,
simply  titled "Your Mum".

jenna appleseed

Your dad (and my fucked up brain) is now making "your mum is so dead I'm coming to her funeral" jokes.

Glebe

"Take my wife... please, take my wife! No seriously somebody did take my wife, and now I'm 'flying solo' at 65! I was a right cunt as a husband, tbh. Yes, I actually said 'tbh'."

KaraokeDragon

Jesus jenna appleseed, sorry about your mum (unless I've got that wrong)

I still live at home and there's a lot of 'Things your dad is doing' moments. Actually, everything I've relayed on this thread is 100% real to tell you the truth.

jenna appleseed

Quote from: KaraokeDragon on October 31, 2021, 08:52:32 PM
Jesus jenna appleseed, sorry about your mum (unless I've got that wrong)

Don't know why you're sorry, you didn't cause her death (sorry, had to type that to get what goes through my over literal brain every single time somebody types 'sorry for your loss', out of my system. It's not personal.)

Thanks.

PlanktonSideburns

just listening to an audio book of Sanatorium Under the Sign of the Hourglass by Bruno Schulz

im halfway through, but theres some STRONG Things Your Dad Is Doing vibes to it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOnMoKz3Y2U