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Things your dad is doing.

Started by Glebe, May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM

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Glebe

Your mate Dave is good with DIY and never really gets your sense of 'humour'. He has just applied to join the army. Your dad secretly wishes Dave was his son, not you.

Glebe

You're out for a drive with your dad when a police car flies past.

"He's not gonna sell much ice cream going-"

"-DAD!"

Fishfinger

Kicking dirt in the garden, disconsolately. Is he ok? No idea. Don't care. His tea's going cold and the cheese sandwiches are curling. All the things he did. I hope he steps on that rake.

Fishfinger

Up at 4am to drive to Cornwall. 6 hours in you hear him swear for the first and last time. "Fuck it," he says, quite calmly. The concrete pillar.

Fishfinger

Undead in his cheap coffin, enduring a eulogy.

Glebe

Your arty, sensitive friend Maurice drops around just as the big match is about to begin.

"Really looking forward to this, what about you, Maurice?" your dad asks Maurice.

"Oh I'm not really interested in football or sport in general, my mate's dad."

Your dad immediately stops talking to Maurice. In fact it's like he's refusing to acknowledge Maurice is even in the room.

Fishfinger

They've been trained to ignore the knocking and struggles. Into the fire, then the grinder.

Fishfinger

"Churning" would seem to be the best description. Over and over. Fragments of knuckles or perhaps they were knees. Still he screams, but no-one can hear. On fire, ground apart. Curse you all. Curse you all.

Fishfinger

A spirit of meanness, haunting car parks.

Glebe

The one thing - the only thing - you and your dad agree on is that Mr. Bean is not funny.

Fishfinger

Yes, the Bean-themed funeral was deliberate. We all knew. All of us. Into the flames with your fury.

Fishfinger

Stir thy gravel, fiend. Rage impotently at poorly-parked cars. Forever.

Fishfinger

"It's Father's Day you cunt!" screams the flaming spectre at your window. But perhaps you were dreaming. No. A plague of poltergeist activity follows.

Glebe

Your dad wakes everyone up at 6AM by hammering loudly in the garden.

Fishfinger

#254
Year after year. We learn that the ghast can be sated with the remnants of a chocolate box and an unsigned card, from Morrisons.

Fishfinger

Coming to terms with the edit bug.

Glebe

Your dad visits you in the ICU when you are run over by a truck.

"Apparently you're not going to make it son, so I just wanted to tell you that I think you were an okay bloke, generally," he says, shaking your limp hand. He leaves the room whistling.

idunnosomename

A little pause to wish all dads a happy birthday.

Glebe

Your dad is chuckling at Fred Basset in The Mail on Sunday while the smell of Bisto wafts from the kitchen. It's a somewhat reactionary yet admittedly comforting moment.

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on June 20, 2021, 11:31:11 AM
Your dad visits you in the ICU when you are run over by a truck.

"Apparently you're not going to make it son, so I just wanted to tell you that I think you were an okay bloke, generally," he says, shaking your limp hand. He leaves the room whistling.

The last words you hear are your dad sticking his head into the next room to ask, "Is the truck ok?"

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on June 20, 2021, 01:58:31 PMThe last words you hear are your dad sticking his head into the next room to ask, "Is the truck ok?"

"Just trying to cheer you up son! Son?!"

Glebe

Your dad has never heard of Batman. "Is that the one with the wings?"

frajer

Your dad refuses to watch Mortimer & Whitehouse Gone Fishing because it's a rip-off of an idea he submitted to the Beeb in 1992 about him and his mate Clive. "We went fishing son, how many ways do you want me to say it?!"

Glebe

Your dad things he's really modern because he wears cream-coloured long shorts in the summer.

Replies From View

your dad is thumbing through the argos catalogue as per usual when.... what the.... yes that's right, he sees his genitals in there.  i recognise these gentials, he says!  and before he can say WHOOSPIEDAISY someone places an order for his genitals and they vanish from his groin


the end

Replies From View

your dad has drawn up a schematic that you espy


must have taken him months to draw up - such detail in the scaling




there is a "date for activation" written at the bottom; it's tomorrow!




you stand back a few feet to take in the entire schematic at once, and you realise that it's a blueprint for your dad to sit on your face

frajer

Your dad takes a Facebook spirit animal test and bursts into tears because he doesn't feel like a hedgehog. "Prickly character, fuck's sake son I'm really trying here and this just dahhhh."

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on June 22, 2021, 09:29:57 AMYour dad takes a Facebook spirit animal test and bursts into tears because he doesn't feel like a hedgehog. "Prickly character, fuck's sake son I'm really trying here and this just dahhhh."

Heh!

"Hey dad, just looking at your driver's licence photo... you look like a serial killer!"

"What?! That's a terrible thing to say!"

"Just joking dad, everyone's driver's licence/passport photo is terrible!"

"No... no... you shouldn't say things like that!"

"It was just a joke, dad! I don't really think you look like a serial killer!"

Your dad is so angry he has to go into the shed and saw for an hour to calm down.

Glebe

Your dad relives his youth by blasting a The Waterboys compilation and drinking a 2lt of scrumpy jack.

Replies From View

your dad is yelling this:


"I SHOW MY COCK ON YOU"


"I SHOW MY COCK ON YOU"



"I SHOW MY COCK ON YOU"




the sentence formation is very strange and I'm finding it a bit off-putting