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Things your dad is doing.

Started by Glebe, May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM

Previous topic - Next topic


Your dad is in his room doing his "thing".

Please don't disturb him, he's doing his "thing".

What is his "thing"?

Stop asking so many questions.


During a heart-to-heart over a pint with your dad, you tell him how you always felt you were "different".

"You're not 'one of them' are you, son?"

"No dad, I am not a homosexual."

Your dad exhales pointedly and visibly relaxes. "Thank FUCK for that I'd rather you were dead than 'one of them'!"


Your dad is so desperate for human contact that he sends notes to the neighbours promising sexual favours in exchange for 'mere friendship'.


Your dad is livid that you've been intercepting his notes to the neighbours. "Small wonder I've got no mates!"


"Might get tested son."

"Good idea dad! You can't be too careful with this bloody pandemic!"

"No son, I mean a paternity test. Just to double check that I'm really your father because I really don't wanna be."

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your dad is wanking rhythmically to the music of The Quarrymen, performed live by the surviving band members on 28th August 2021

(this video:

Whilst wanking he is putting himself in the shoes of the guy scrubbing the washboard.  "That could have been me, son"  *wank wank wanka wank-wank*


'naked in shed do not disturb.'


Your dad pitches 'Naked in a Shed' to Channel 4 and rejects their lucrative offer. "Cannot fucking stand Noel Fielding!"


Your dad reckons all beverages should be sold in recyclable glass bottles, not for environmental reasons but because they make the best smash against your neighbour's garage at 5.30am


"So what are the latest pop bands then?"

"To be honest dad, I've no idea meself!"

But he's already vanished into the shed to make things.

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"In the shed tonight, son, I aim to give myself.... you guessed it!.... a Hello Kitty tattoo!!"


Your dad is on a skateboard with a baseball cap sitting awkwardly on his head. "Shit be just gettin' real, mon."


Your dad is stitching nametags with someone else's surname into all your work clothes then phoning your employer to say you've been raiding the Lost and Found for hip new duds.

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your dad is lounging around coffee shops near the train station and trying to start conversations about how "snapchat filters" are "so great"

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you step into the bathroom and your dad is brushing his teeth, solidly naked.  scrubbing away, his teeth born into the mirror and his scrawny backside bashing from side to side at the same time

he turns around and your presence makes him jump a little.  he tries to speak through the foam, spits it into the sink and tries again.  "didn't see you there!"

"alright dad"

grinning, he points at his cock.  "autumn!" he says.

you look down, and sure enough, he has self-evidently been packing his entire penis with horse chestnuts for a few days.


Your birthday party is going swimmingly until your dad yells "ABORTION MACHINE!" This has a deep personal significance for you and proves deeply upsetting.


Your dad can't swim, but those that stop him trying!? Yes. He also won't get on boats and shrieks for the first two minutes of every shower.


You're in your dad's car with your dad, stuck in traffic, when a police car speeds past.

"He's not gonna sell much ice cream going at-"

"-NO DAD!"

There are a few moments silence, broken only by your dad whistling quietly, until-

"I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright n-"




Quote from: Kankurette on September 27, 2021, 07:20:36 PMYour dad is watching Bing.

"I've got this browser open but there's no sign of my favourite crooner!"

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your dad has a fresh bowl of honey nut loops and keeps bursting out "let's loop together!!"


Your dad uses a small child as a paperweight.


Your dad has a sack of mouldering oats in the garage which he goes and kicks for a bit whenever he's had a dream about his own father.


Your dad things the best version of 'You've Lost That Lovely Feeling' is the Paul Shane Pebble Mill one. It's the only thing you both agree on.


Your dad invites every house on the crescent over to Netflix and chill and gets the surprise of his life when they say yes. "Keys in a bowl, good shout, I'm forever losing mine. Ehhh what's... what... is the heating on too high or something?"


You introduce your dad to your gorgeous new girlfriend, but he is so jealous he asks you to leave in a seething rage.


Your dad has become Surrey's most prominent edgelord.


Your dad is pushing it. Pushing it real good.

Twit 2

Your dad is checking that his rigidly delineated anus hasn't sagged into a cloaca.


Traffic delays you getting over for family dinner, so your dad phones the police and tells them to put out an all-points bulletin on "my absolute prick of a son."