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Things your dad is doing.

Started by Glebe, May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM

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Quote from: frajer on September 29, 2021, 05:34:45 PMTraffic delays you getting over for family dinner, so your dad phones the police and tells them to put out an all-points bulletin on "my absolute prick of a son."


Your dad dances into the living room in a pair of womens' shoes singing "Everybody's going for those kinky boots, kinky boots - boop boop!"


"Dad, I've been offered a senior position in my company's New York office!"

Your dad SMILES WANLY. "Well done son," he vaguely implies, giving you an extremely limp and unfriendly handshake.

Replies From View

Quote from: Glebe on September 28, 2021, 02:39:32 PM
Your dad uses a small child as a paperweight.

and is it his own child?


Quote from: Replies From View on September 30, 2021, 04:54:08 PMand is it his own child?

"Fuck knows Replies, my son. If it is, say hello to your little brother."


Your dad is siphoning his bum waft from a suction tube inserted into his anus into pressurised gas containers to be sold on the streets by his colleagues in the East Belfast UVF.

"You're always saying I'm 'high on my own farts', son. Well, so too will be half the Newtownards Road by the end of tonight! HaHaHaHaHa!"


You dad pops round at 8am on a Sunday morning to check the garden soil. He wanders around the garden for a bit looking contemplative and then leaves again without saying another word.

Sebastian Cobb

After a feud with the freezer your dad takes up pressure canning.

The Bumlord

Your dad has shaved his head and had a spider web tattooed on his crown.

He looks at you and winks.

"The chicks love it, son".

They don't.


You're in a clothes shop with your dad.

"Hi son!"

"Dad, that's a complete stranger, I'm here by the shirts!"

"No other son, this is Fred, your half-brother! He works here as a sales assistant! Fred, meet my other son!"

"Alright mate. We're having a sale on men's coats at the moment if you're arsed."


Roll a dice to decide what your dad will say:

1. "Brrr, bit nippy out today, I'd bring your coat!"

2. "Looks like rain, I'd bring your coat!"

3. "That Michael McIntyre is very funny, isn't he?"

4. "That John Bishop is very funny, isn't he?"

5. "That radiator needs fixing, or I'm a monkey's uncle!"

6. "I think we've had enough fun and laughter for one day, settle down everyone."


"Now that I've retired, the days seem to go on forever."

"Why don't you try playing a time-killer like Fortnite, dad?"

"Heh, it takes me a fortnight just to learn how to play these computer video games son!"

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your dad wears a thong now

"if only a piece of string is covering up my anus, then so be it"


"Dad, was I really a 'planned' birth?

Your dad lowers his Evening Standard and throws his head back with a fruity chuckle.

"Now son... don't ask me questions like that; you won't like the answer!"

"I'm your daughter not your son, dad."

"Oh sorry. I just assume you're always male (and quite possibly prematurely balding!) because of this forum. But yeah you were a mistake, yeah."





"Come down, son, I can't hear you!"

"We've 'plumfed' up your eiderdown!"

Dad lowers his Daily Mail and stares for a moment.

"Yeah... did Mother prepare the hot water bottle?"


"Thanks son. Tell Mother I'll be up after I've watched Panorama with my Horlicks."




"Here's a lockpick," your dad is saying. "It might be handy if you, the 'Master of Unlocking' use it to open doors here in zombie mansion."

"Cheers dad. More fentanyl?"

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your dad has applied to the fisher price bespoke items unit and managed to get a set made called "your dad's first bowel movement" (by which he means his own first bowel movement).  Cost him £600 to get done, and he's leaving it on a table of gifts at the christening of someone he doesn't know.

Gregory Torso

Your dad is struggling with the concept of a "post... woman???"

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after spending £8000 in the early learning centre, your dad is furious that sticklebricks and his bodily hair do not mesh

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your dad pisses in the sink as often as he can remember, in order to "save wear and tear on the toilet"


Your dad has started giving names to his farts. "That one is Horace."

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your dad is proud of his negative Lateral Flow Tests so he's leaving them all around his house for people to see and hopefully remark upon.


Your dad has started his own tattoo parlour which deals exclusively in inking telephone numbers he needs to remember onto your forearm.

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your dad foights loike your da

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Quote from: frajer on October 08, 2021, 08:48:04 AM
Your dad has started his own tattoo parlour which deals exclusively in inking telephone numbers he needs to remember onto your forearm.

He has been labelled a holocaust tribute service in the local phone directory, and he has no idea why

Your dad has been appointed as the official historian of the Texas Homecare chain of DIY stores.


Your dad's going mental - turning the house over, emptying out draws, flipping seat cushions - looking for a pair of scissors. They've been on his head the whole time!


Your dad is boogying around the living room to 'Killer Queen' at 4AM. "Now I know why they call them 'magic' mushrooms, son! Or daughter or whomsoever you are."


While gardening your dad picks up a worm with a grin and says "Dare me to eat it?" then while you start to consider how to respond he gently lowers it back to the grass, rounds on you and yells "PERVERT!"