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Things your dad is doing.

Started by Glebe, May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

Your dad is going upstairs for "the wank of the millennium."

dissolute ocelot

After watching a Planet of the Apes marathon, your dad informs you that your mum was working on the PG Tips adverts at the time you were conceived.

Glebe

Your dad is barbequing while Paul Simon's 'Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes' blasts from the stereo system. "Best solo garden party ever! Fancy joining me son? No? Okay bye then!"

Captain Poodle Basher

Your dad says you're to get home this instant as it's time for his quarterly arse-shaving and it's your turn to do it.

He also told me not to tell you that he'll be live streaming the whole thing.

Glebe

Your dad is inordinately proud of his arse. "That's a 1950's arse lad. They built arses to last in them days!"

Captain Poodle Basher

Your dad is going for the world record in stacking cats on top of one another.

"Nowhere in the rules says they must be alive at the time."

I've already called the RSPCA.

Replies From View

your dad is getting some sparklers practice in before bonfire night


"check this out, son!  no gloves!"

dad you should be doing that outside, at least.


"see how close to my eyes I can get!!   oohh wow check out my reflexes I'm not even telling my eyes to shut and they just are!!"



Glebe

Quote from: Captain Poodle Basher on October 10, 2021, 09:03:13 AMYour dad is going for the world record in stacking cats on top of one another.

"Nowhere in the rules says they must be alive at the time."

I've already called the RSPCA.

Heh!

Your dad is wearing shades and drinking a coke. "Look son, I'm hip!"

Your dad is fiending for some Bovril.

frajer

Your dad says he's firing up the mega drive and you're momentarily stunned until you remember it's what he calls his car.

Glebe

"There are no pansies at the bottom of my garden," laughs your dad. "Seriously though I am extremely prejudiced about homosexuals."

Replies From View

your dad is singing "all we are saaaaayiiiiiiiiing.  is give your dad a blow-job" and he's winking at you

Glebe

"When did you last have sex, my dad?"

"I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX."

frajer

Your dad says, "I'm getting into shape, round is a shape!" and you share a chuckle until he mutters "But your mum only has eyes for oblongs" and then stares into the fire until you leave.

Glebe

Your dad is shaking his booty to M People. "Still got it... open up your heart, oh baby baby!"

Glebe

"Guys, I'm really vibbing on the TikTok at the mo - TikiTok's still in, yeah? Oh man, saw Harry Styles on some 'Tube vid the other day, he's aged so badly! Is it okay to call you 'guys' btw? Is that too gender-restrictive?"

"Dad, Ever Decreasing Circles is on Drama or owt."

"Son, I... I'm trying..."

"Just go."

"Thank you," dad whispers ecstatically, as he goes off to enjoy another vintage adventure with Briers and co.

DoesNotFollow

Quote from: frajer on October 10, 2021, 07:35:55 PM
Your dad says he's firing up the mega drive and you're momentarily stunned until you remember it's what he calls his car.

Haha noice

Glebe

Your dad is hiding in the shed ever since news of his impotence spread in the community and he became known as 'Papa Sad-Nuts'.

Replies From View

your dad keeps mixing up "surf shark" and "sure start" in utterances that only exist to make himself sound cool and in-touch.

Glebe

"I like kids - but I couldn't eat a whole one!" laughs your dad.

Two weeks later your dad is arrested for the possession of "illegal images".

frajer

Your dad just don't know what to dooooo with himself, and tells you so in song form. Voice of an angel!

Chollis

Your dad takes all your friends airsofting but doesn't invite you, as a power play.

Glebe

"COWABUNGA! WAZZUP?! BOOYAKASHA!"

Your dad is bouncing up and down on the trampoline in the garden. He's wearing a unicorn onesie and is absolutely manic.

You and your mate Jim watch on from your deckchairs, getting drunk in the afternoon sun.

"You're dad's really lost it this time," suggests Jim, "and the whole neighbourhood is watching. Must be mortifying for you."

"Yeah," you sigh, peeking out from between your fingers,"but what can you do? 'nother Stella, Jim?"

"Yeah, go on then."

"I GOT THE MOVES LIKE JAGGER! WOOO! HOW Y'LIKE ME NOW? WAKANDA FOREVER! FARCRY 6!"

frajer

Your dad has a new t-shirt with 'Going Out of Business' emblazoned on it and an arrow pointing down to his cock and balls area.

When you ask him what's up with that, he shrugs and says "Might work, mightn't it."

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on October 13, 2021, 08:32:27 AMYour dad has a new t-shirt with 'Going Out of Business' emblazoned on it and an arrow pointing down to his cock and balls area.

When you ask him what's up with that, he shrugs and says "Might work, mightn't it."

He realises it won't work and next time you see him he's wearing a Frankie Goes to Hollywood tee. "Retro irony, lad, the chick's dig it!"

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on October 13, 2021, 02:21:19 PM
He realises it won't work and next time you see him he's wearing a Frankie Goes to Hollywood tee. "Retro irony, lad, the chick's dig it!"

With depressing inevitability you realise your dad has done out the spare room as a home T-shirt printing factory. "A tenner to make and I sell 'em for £12 a pop online! Don't worry, I've called your office and handed in your notice - we're in the fashion industry now, lad."

jenna appleseed

Quote from: Glebe on October 13, 2021, 02:21:19 PM
He realises it won't work and next time you see him he's wearing a Frankie Goes to Hollywood tee. "Retro irony, lad, the chick's dig it!"

slogans include:
'Frankie Says I'm The Greatest Dad' (worn by your dad).
'Frankie says my Dad's better than your dad' (he's just forced you to wear it)

'Frankie says wear this overpriced pseudo 80s shoddily home printed tshirt - you'll get girls' ("oops, that was my no longer a mate's reaction when I showed him my new t-shirt business, - it wasn't meant to get printed on the actual tshirt, now I've got 100s of them piled up in the garage and nobody will buy them".)

Your Dad "I dunno who this Frankie was, I'm too old for 80's pop, but he must've been pretty cool"

jenna appleseed

Your dad can't use a screen printing kit and doesn't understand print on demand websites, so he's creating all his tshirts via googled clip art, powerpoint captions and overpriced tshirt transfer paper from Whsmiths.

Replies From View

Quote from: jenna appleseed on October 13, 2021, 05:16:42 PM
'Frankie says wear this overpriced pseudo 80s shoddily home printed tshirt - you'll get girls' ("oops, that was my no longer a mate's reaction when I showed him my new t-shirt business, - it wasn't meant to get printed on the actual tshirt, now I've got 100s of them piled up in the garage and nobody will buy them".)

To add to the tragedy, the word "pseudo" has been spelled devastatingly incorrectly, and nobody has noticed yet, nor twigged the implications.

Glebe

Cash in the Attic ends an you are able to switch over to something you want to watch. But the moment you touch the remote your dad grabs the car keys.

"Come on. We're going."

"Going where, dad?"

Your dad looks at his watch. "Come on. That's it. We'd better be off. He has his arms folded.

"Dad, what are you on about?"

"Right then. Better hit the road."

He's jingling the car keys. "It's getting late."