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August 18, 2022, 08:40:48 PM

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Things your dad is doing.

Started by Glebe, May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM

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Replies From View

#720
Sits you in the passenger seat of his Citroen Visa.

Yanks an ordnance survey map out of the glove compartment and unfurls it.


Keeps unfurling it as it fills the front of the car and brings you to smothering point.  With a great "oof" he shoves the entire map onto your side and gives himself plenty of room.


"You will direct us there," he tells you, and turns the key in the ignition. 



Before you know it, he's off out the driveway and down the lane.  After several turnings, he is already irate. 

"WHICH WAY THEN?  WHICH WAY?  I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE NAVIGATING!  I CANNOT READ THE MAP WHILE MY EYES ARE ON THE ROAD!  PAY ATTENTION!  DID WE MISS A TURN?!  WELL WORK OUT WHERE WE ARE FROM LOOKING AT THE MAP!!  HOLD THE MAP PROPERLY - IT IS BLOCKING MY VIEW!!  PAY ATTENTION I SAID!!  LOOK FOR THE STREET SIGNS AND GET AHEAD OF WHERE WE WILL BE!!  GET THE MAP [physically shoving the map into your face] OUT OF MY VIEW!!!"



Glebe

"Right son, Pointless is over, you can put on your The Squid's Games now."

"Thanks dad."

But the minute you stick on Netflix, your dad starts whistling loudly.

"Um dad, could you not do that?"

"OH SORRY, son!"

It's nice and quiet for the first five minutes of "The Squid Games", then he starts whistling even louder.

"Dad-"

"OH SORRY, right! I'll just go and make some coffee."

The kettle is annoyingly loud. Then your dad's mate Rory rings.

"OH HELLO, RORY! YEAH, I CAN HEAR YOU! MY SON IS WATCHING SQUID GAME! YEAH I'LL DROP THAT SANDER OVER TO YOU TOMORROW!"

frajer

"They ruddy love tentacles going in and out of things, don't they? Our Eastern chums."

"What do you mean dad?"

"Squid games. Sucker play. Tentacle porn, boy. Surprised it's showing on Netflix. They must have got my letter."

Glebe

Your dad's neighbour Horace's dog is barking loudly again. Your dad pops his head over the fence to have a word with Horace about it.

"Could you stop your dog from barking? It's really annoying."

"Look mate, it's a dog. It's going to bark. I'm sorry."

"Very well then."

Your dad waits until Horace goes out for the day. Then he breaks into his garden and brings the dog around to his garden shed, wherein he beheads him and wraps him up in black bin bags. Then, being careful that nobody is watching, he puts the dog in the boot of the car and drives up to the mountains, where he buries him.

Your dad goes home and cleans up, then gets on with the gardening. Horace returns in the evening.

"Have you seen my dog, mate?"

Your dad stares at Horace over the fence. He doesn't blink once. He never blinks.

"No. I have not seen your dog."

Your dad whistles as he gets on with the mowing. His heart rate stays slow and constant, as it has done all day, even when he was doing the murderering.

Fishfinger

Contemplating the failure of his edgy restaurant chain, Eat Shit.

frajer

Quote from: Fishfinger on October 14, 2021, 05:31:46 PM
Contemplating the failure of his edgy restaurant chain, Eat Shit.

"Maybe try a rename dad."

A month later, Eat Shit and Die has gone into administration.

Glebe


frajer

Heh, nice one. You eat the shit, you get to dine! "Exclusivity is very attractive, son."

Cuellar

Dad becomes a multi-millionaire off the back of his Eat Shit and Dine empire

"I'm Walter White!!" he boasts, having completely misunderstood Breaking Bad.

Glebe

Your dad is mad for classic grime. "Gimme them early-noughties phat beats son, ting!"

Fishfinger

#730
.

Fishfinger

Donning a salmon-coloured jumper and a mainstream demeanour in order to avoid the shame of an edit bug and all those children under the patio.


Glebe

Things your dad said this week:

"That boiler needs servicing."

"Didn't think much of that drama on telly last night. Hardly any white men in it thanks to PC gone mad."

"There's a new pound coin for the clever grandson who can tell me who won last year's Grand Prix!"

"That sweater is 50% polyester. No wonder it's in the sale."

"Oof, my back!"

"Now that's what I call a neatly mown lawn!"

Ian Benson

Your dad finds an old, forgotten ipod nano in the bottom of the laundry basket and then easily spends the next seven hours looking all over the house and garage for a lead with which to charge it. Just prior to his bedtime, he is spotted in his office browsing on amazon for the necessary lead, but just as he is about to add the mid-priced one to his basket he stops himself and decisively closes the browser, irritated that he was about to take the easy way out and now completely confident in his belief that "there must be one lying around somewhere." The search will resume tomorrow.

Fr.Bigley

Eating Hairy Bikers crisps, crying on the landing while the Bikers are rattling your mam in your old room.

KaraokeDragon

Your dad is conducting an experiment with a group he assembled at the village fete: he plans to serve the participants a bowl of his gloopiest, muskiest semen while rebetika music plays in the background in the hopes of convincing them it's greek yoghurt.

"If they'll believe I'm employed by the university of Sussex they'll believe anything."

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: jenna appleseed on October 13, 2021, 05:18:45 PM
Your dad can't use a screen printing kit and doesn't understand print on demand websites, so he's creating all his tshirts via googled clip art, powerpoint captions and overpriced tshirt transfer paper from Whsmiths.

On the cover of vogue in six months, with a face like bin laden on 911

Glebe

"Not sure what to have for breakfast, here in this hotel dining room dad!"

"ASK ABOUT THE BRAN FLAKES!"

frajer

"Do you ever sit and wonder where it all went wrong with this country, son?"

"Heh, hard not to some days, isn't it dad."

When you look over your dad's got the phone receiver clamped to his face. "I'd like to report my son for communism please."

Glebe

Your dad keeps going on about not knowing people "from Adam".

"Be careful when you invite somebody you're unfamiliar with into your home son, that's my advice. You don't know them from Adam! A man called around the other day to talk about switching to Virgin Media, but I wouldn't let him in, I didn't know him from Adam! Then another man called later that day, but I was ready this time and he never got further than the garden gate. 'I don't know you from Adam, with your turban and that,' I threatened!"

Glebe

Disaster strikes at B&Q, where your dad comes to an abrupt end. "Just make sure my wife and son are well done by, peace out y'all and keep it real!" your dad shouts out as he is buried beneath numerous tins of Ronseal.

Your dad had been busy with his new 3D printer. So far, he's printed out a spare set of internal organs and an entire dormer bungalow.

jenna appleseed

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on October 15, 2021, 08:22:31 AM
On the cover of vogue in six months, with a face like bin laden on 911

The tragic thing is nobody has the heart to tell him that nobody actually like his shit, they're only buying them to wear ironically on tik tok. Your dad is accidentally the victim of a meme and Vogue are using him as a real life lolcow.

Glebe

Your dad keeps pushing the couch westward. "Better view of the TV, ngggg, come on budge you bastard!"

He's really going for it he's going to give himself a hernia. "There we go, nmmm, shift it!" Oh give over dad you bloody nutter mate.

Replies From View

your dad is holding up a placard in your living room that has "make John Carpenter release his original cut of Halloween III:  Season of your dad" written on it in friendly turquoise felt pen

Glebe

"Son, I've got the video of Clockwise for us to watch!"

"Dad, we don't have a VHS player."

"Now listen here you cheeky little sod, you're not getting out of this one," barks your dad, folding his arms across his sensibly jumper.

"Dad, I am merely stating that we do not have a VHS player."

Your dad sighs. "Doesn't everyone have a video player machine these days? In any case I thought you'd be happy for once. Its got that alternative comedian you like in it, John Cheeseman."

"Dad, just go and fix the lawnmower. You know you'd much rather be doing that."

"Fair enough son. Don't say I didn't try. Go on, you can put that A Game of Squids on your personal computer."

dissolute ocelot

Your dad pesters you to go fishing with him for several months despite you not having any of the kit. Eventually you agree to go along with him. It's then that you find out he doesn't have a fishing rod, he just likes to put on long rubber boots and stand in water for hours.

Replies From View

your dad is presently wielding a hole punch and barking "come on, distend your rectum for papa"

Glebe

Your dad puts his back out hauling a Last of the Summer Wine boxset up the stairs, "Ooh, ya buggah!"

non capisco

Your dad's gone down the chip shop dressed as his "black alter ego" again.

"if Joni Mitchell told your dad to jump in a dragon's mouth he'd get his trainers on for a run-up and he's never even met the woman" says your mum.