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August 18, 2022, 09:47:30 PM

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Things your dad is doing.

Started by Glebe, May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM

Previous topic - Next topic


"Bring back the old days son! Bring 'em back!" your dad is saying. "Whatever happened to Heartbeat? Ah, halcyons... salad days... golden days!"

You dads eyes are now two glowing almonds with crows feet around.

non capisco

Sorry, 'Baby I Love Your Way' by Big Mountain, your dad has decided his favourite reggae song is now 'Puff Puff Give' by Hannah's Field.

"Mi ramp it inna mi shed an smoke a likkle herb." he tells you in front of all your mates.


"You can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter!" laughs your dad. "You can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter!"


Your dad is eating a cheese and onion crisp sandwich because he's "feeling fun" and he's washing it down with a yazoo banana milkshake. Your dad eats what he wants since your mum left. Your dad sits in front of B&Q trying to justify his reasoning for going 6 times this week, and it's not that "John on wood cutting could be my new best friend".


non capisco

Quote from: itsfredtitmus on October 17, 2021, 12:47:39 AM

^ Your dad has just put flyers up all over town for the burlesque show he's doing with his mate Brian. The address is your house this Wednesday, he's been "meaning to ask you".


Every time your dad spots a man in his fifties with bleached hair and a punk T-Shirt he thinks it's his old mate Andy. "There's Andy! Oh wait it's not. Poor old Andy. Got into the drugs, ended up on benefits. That was Andy. Rest of us settled down, had families, but oh no, not Andy! He hangs around the town, going into record shops and talking about bands. Sad, really. Wait, there he is for real! No. No, that's just another man that seems like Andy. We all know an Andy!"

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your dad is off to the bank to withdraw his life savings so that he can spend it all on caramacs


"I've got a drink problem - I  can't get enough drink!"

You'd probably force a smirk if not for the fact that your dad has just missed another AA meeting.


Your dad's face has gone all flabby with misplaced nostalgia.

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"You have a mechanism that wakes you up so you don't shit yourself in your sleep," says your dad, self-proclaimed "human biology expert".

"dad, why are you in my room?  it's four in the morning"

your dad begrudgingly leaves your space, taking all his clanging one-man-band apparatus with him.

Gregory Torso

Your dad is rolling a football of Marmite around the garden while passive-aggressively grumbling about how bad it smells as if we should all be out there in the yeast slick with him like the football-of-Marmite-rolling twats he clearly thinks we are.


Your dad fucks it all off.

"Why is there post piling up in the hall, dad?"

"Fucked it off lad. Ask me why the garden's looking so wild."

"Why is the gard-"

"Fucked it off mate."

Gregory Torso

Your dad drags a comatose dalmation across a field like an absurd tractor.

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your dad has installed a "croon deflection unit" above your family home (or "Rotisserie Tits Cottages" as he has christened it)

"you never hear bing crosby anymore and that is all due to me," he enthuses


Your dad says that the new postman is "black as the ace of spades. Can I say that?"

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your dad announces that the latest milkman is "not dissimilar to the chimney sweeps we used to have around"


Your dad is wanking over the scene in Smiley's People in the Berlin sex club. "If I had mad video skills I'd edit Alec Guinness out but I just have to squint whenever he's onscreen!" he tells everyone who has come back from the inquiry into the murder of your brother.

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Somebody has upgraded the "all the fun of the fair" signage in your local pavilion so it says "all the bumming of your dad"

Gregory Torso

Your dad has been all over Skegness beachfront removing the 'R's from the Skegness Pier signs.

"AHAHAHAHAHHA SKEGNESS PIE! SKEGNESS! PIE!" he screams, diving into a trellis.

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your dad has spent the last six hours hollering "SKEGNESS" against an empty fray bentos container, because he likes the sensation of the vibration against his lips

he is still doing mostly the same thing now, except "SKEGNESS" has mutated into "SKEGNES".  and that's it


"I don't like Indian food," your dad explains during a break from modifying the Flymo, "I mean I like the food, but, y'know..."


"Hello, I'm collecting a prescription for my son."

"Could you give me his name and address, please?"

"Yes, it's 'my son', the back-bedroom, my house. I think they're some kind of mental tablets."

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your dad has set up a meet up group called "London social dads"

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something has rankled with your dad this week.  he has seen one too many calls for equality within the range of his home, work and shops.

he is now in his workshop knocking up a wonderful green, yellow, red and black logo that says "TEACH DAD HISTORY (THE AS-YET UNTOLD HISTORY OF DADS.  I DON'T MEAN DADS NEED TO BE TAUGHT THINGS BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY DON'T - YOU DO.  IGNORANT!!)"


Overcharged for a piece of haddock, your dad declares holy war on the local chippy.


It's your wedding day, the happiest day of your life. Then your dad sidles up during a lull in festivities and smirks "This isn't my favorite wedding I've been to. Not my favourite."

rue the polywhirl

My dad is exercising his inner chimp. (Chimp paradox).

dissolute ocelot

Ever since he heard about the guy from Fingerbobs dying, your dad has been talking to his thumbs and pushing them into packets of scampi while crying.


Sat at the kitchen table in just a pair of too-small trunks, your dad pens the latest in a series of sexually aggressive fan letters to Bob Carolgees.