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Things your dad is doing.

Started by Glebe, May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

"Alright dad, what's up?"

Your dad is staring at you with a big grin on his face, He's as still as a statue. His mate Henry is next to him.

"He got his cock chopped off in an unfortunate sheers incident. I called and ambulance and they put it on ice, but he was too much in shock to go and get it sown back on yet."

"Why is he smiling?"

"I dunno. Maybe it's the sheer shock of it all. When he comes out of it, could you bring him to get his willy sown back on?"

"We'd better bring him now! He's probably lost a lot blood!"

"Nah the ambulances guys glued the cock-hole, heh! Look at him smiling! Mental!"

Glebe

Your dad makes his own brand of wine called Daddy's Wine. "Couldn't get grapes to grow so I used onions instead."

frajer

Your dad pays a burly man at the pub to tickle him twice a week. "Nothing sexual, lad. I'm not made of money."

Sherringford Hovis

Your Mum's your Dad. Your Dad's your Mum.

Correctly labelling Christmas presents to put beneath the tree causes strife every year.

Fr.Bigley

Your dad's out selling Avon.

You can't go back to the pub again.

Glebe

"Dad, why doesn't Uncle Jerry come over anymore?"

"Women's underwear, son. Women's underwear."

canadagoose


Glebe

"You can't say owt nowadays," grumbles your dad after being reprimanded for calling a deaf girl "ignorant".

frajer

Your dad is unsuccessfully trying to return a used casserole dish to a Tesco self service checkout.

Glebe

Your dad is singing along to Kula Shaker but he just keeps saying "Give praise to y'daddy!" or summit.

KaraokeDragon

Your dad walks 3 miles to the spar in the next village over to discreetly purchase the Sunday Sport, forgetting that you've worked there for 8 years.

frajer

Your dad is in the conservatory, affectionately patting his beer belly and murmuring "you're fine, you're fine, it's just a fuel tank for a sex machine."

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on October 25, 2021, 10:04:16 PMYour dad is in the conservatory, affectionately patting his beer belly and murmuring "you're fine, you're fine, it's just a fuel tank for a sex machine."

"Body of a god - pity it's that obese yellow menace the buddha!"

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: Glebe on October 23, 2021, 06:20:57 PM
"Alright dad, what's up?"

Your dad is staring at you with a big grin on his face, He's as still as a statue. His mate Henry is next to him.

"He got his cock chopped off in an unfortunate sheers incident. I called and ambulance and they put it on ice, but he was too much in shock to go and get it sown back on yet."

"Why is he smiling?"

"I dunno. Maybe it's the sheer shock of it all. When he comes out of it, could you bring him to get his willy sown back on?"

"We'd better bring him now! He's probably lost a lot blood!"

"Nah the ambulances guys glued the cock-hole, heh! Look at him smiling! Mental!"

Incredible

Glebe

"I mean I have every sympathy with blacks live matter but some of the darkies down my way..."

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on October 26, 2021, 01:42:41 AMIncredible

Hehe, cheers Planks!

itsfredtitmus


Glebe

Quote from: Gregory Torso on October 19, 2021, 12:14:41 PMYour dad is rolling a football of Marmite around the garden while passive-aggressively grumbling about how bad it smells as if we should all be out there in the yeast slick with him like the football-of-Marmite-rolling twats he clearly thinks we are.

Quote from: Gregory Torso on October 19, 2021, 12:35:58 PMYour dad drags a comatose dalmation across a field like an absurd tractor.

A belated "BRAVO!" GT!

Glebe

"Baldness is heritarary son!" beams your dad ecstatically!

Glebe

Your dad has renamed himself Chalkie Hashweeds and is wearing the tea cosy on his head, "Babylon a fall down!"

Replies From View

Quote from: Glebe on October 27, 2021, 11:25:04 PM
"Baldness is heritarary son!" beams your dad ecstatically!

tell him it's passed down the mother's side.  he can be bald as he likes but it means nowt until you've both been down to your mum's dad and given his scalp a bit of a goosey-scrote


Replies From View



Replies From View

your dad is sending a new slogan idea to McCain's oven chips:  "they are son-rapingly excellent"

Glebe

"What's for dinner dad?"

"Golden Wonder Pot Noodle."

"Again?"

"Well if you're not arsed coming over maybe your bitch of a wife can do you your usual Tesco ready meal while she's not banging the postman."

itsfredtitmus

it's none of that palmreading rubbish, son! this is the real deal! you just pop your keks down and have it read instantly! just make sure you have no mud in your arse as it spoils the reading of the arse! the arsereading!

Glebe

"How'd you get on with that chick last night, son? Did ya make her?"

itsfredtitmus

He's smearing mud from his arse onto pieces of papers and asking you to decipher it

Dad, it makes no sense! It's just some shit!

non capisco

Your dad got told on his carp fishing forum "You, sir, have won the internet!" and he thought that meant he actually had. Rang up all his mates.

Glebe

Your dad announces that The Very Best of Womack & Womack "is in heavy rotation on me iPops."