The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW: HAHALLOWEEN III: Shriekin’ of the Witch

[pigamus]

You took the breath right out of my lungs

[ZoyzaSorris]

I didn't realise it was possible for a sign to look like it was rubbing its knees.

[Captain Z]

Rod Hull and Emu have let themselves go

[non capisco]

Pretty much all of badaids' post in the 'Worst Childhood Holidays' thread.

Selected highlight...

The next night we went to another restaurant. A normal meal this time, but my Dad realised when it came to pay that he hadn't enough money. We did a runner, but before he made my brother and I change t shirts so we would be harder to recognise as we fled.

..but it's all gold. An anecdotal instant CaB classic.

I still have the postcard my Dad sent to my granparents, which said simply said: 'Villa - doggo. Kids - unbearable. Locals - chiselers'.

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

Got a job interview coming up, so looked up an old thread to get some stellar advice

Demonstrate value by showing them a picture of you and your friends on a snowboarding holiday. Then neg any female members of the interview panel.

If anyone on the panel is of a different national or ethnic background, reassure them that you don't have a problem with their "kind" before the interview formally begins.

Ask if the interview has formally started at the start.

If you want to say something to the panel, but you don't want them to take it into account just preface your remarks with "I'm now speaking off the record..."

Turn the tables on them (not literally).

Literally turn the tables on them.

[Huxleys Babkins]

The whole thread is brilliant, but this is the icing on the cake;

ROY ORBISON is a handy mnemonic for remembering the colour sequence of an insane rainbow: Red, Orange, Yellow, Orange, Rubella, Blue, Indigo, Shit, Orange, Nothing.

[Ferris]

Superb.

[non capisco]

Roy is there, immaculately lacquered, his hair like a patch of spilled printer ink.

Motherfuckin Torso and his mad prose skillz

[PlanktonSideburns]

GT is a cut above

[SpiderChrist]

Torso for Supreme Ruler of the Known Universe

[Johnny Yesno]

Torso for Supreme Ruler of the Known Universe

Why so little?

[buttgammon]

I voted for Litvinenko to die in the 2006 Derby City Council election.

[JaDanketies]

"Mr Speaker, Mr Speaker, it appears the prime minster, Mr speaker, it appears the prime minster, Mr Speaker, it appears the prime minster tried to have his cake, Mr Speaker, tried to have his cake and <looks at notes>, Mr Speaker, and <looks at notes> and eat it"

[Glebe]

Also, if everyone in the room was on cake, how can anyone be sure Johnson wasn't just there for a second, but it felt like half an hour?

[shagatha crustie]

The usual gold from tony, on Damon Albarn

a man with a look on his face permanently like that of a ships apprentice whos forgotten to prep some carrots on his second day at sea

[Paul Calf]

Butcher's Blind cribbing, I suspect, directly from Hansard.

Shambles

Tory MP - I would like to suck off the PM
PM - I agree with my friend that I should be sucked off
Keith - The PM did a wrong. Resign.
PM - No. Get on with business
Keith - Same question
PM - No. Levelling up???
Keith - Same question
PM - No. Real people concerns
Keith - Same question
PM - No. Focus. Focused.
Keith - Same question.
PM - No. What matters..
Keith - I was a lawyer. Same question
PM - No. Some figures.
Tory MP - I would like to echo comments about sucking off the PM
PM - Of course more sucking off should take place.
SNP Man - The PM is a cunt!

etc, etc.

[Ray Travez]

that's great

[Rich Uncle Skeleton]

laughed way too much at this from the linehan thread

I've got impaired mobility can I do crimes plz

[Kankurette]

SteveDave on Joe Rogan:

I've never listened to a minute of Joe Rogan but I imagine it all to be like this (stolen from Twitter)

Joe Rogan: hamburgers are good but I am trying to eat less pork

Guest: hamburgers are made with beef

Joe Rogan: ham is from pork it says ham in hamburger

Guest: it is beef

Joe Rogan: that's not what I've heard Jamie look that up

Jamie: it beef

Guest: it beef

Joe: ok but can we really trust hamburger makers and butchers and grocery stores when the word ham is in hamburger and ham means pork

Joe Rogan Fans: this is why I like him he is good at thinking

I don't much care for Neil Young either though so this is like Alien vs Predator for me.

[touchingcloth]

[shoulders]

Yes

[Cuellar]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-60169011



"Meat Load".

[Bad Ambassador]

Bold choice to skip straight ahead to Derek.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Fambo's descriptions of Ben Garrison's latest drawings always make me laugh, especially if I haven't seen the cartoon yet

[SpiderChrist]

Ingenious penious.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

I bitterly regret getting our two kittens and would get shot of them tomorrow given half a chance. They're little cunts. Every house plant in the house is ruined - they've even chewed the leaves off our succulents - the house reeks even though we have 3 littler trays and clean them out at least twice a day, and they're fucking mental. Apparently, it's going to be at least Easter until they get their jabs and can go outside as there's a shortage of the medicine, and it's getting to the point where I genuinely want to give them back to the animal shelter. Can't even watch TV without them either treading on the digibox and switching it off or knocking stuff across the floor like ice-hockey players, so you just hear the sound from their toy (usually something like my keys or cash card) panning from left to right to left to right. I hate them. Oh yeah, they really like jumping on top of spinning records too. My last kitten wasn't like this, he was sweet and quiet and didn't make me rue the day I ever met him. They're fat little cunts too. Always there, licking their lips, waiting for another pouch of food. Favourite toy is the bin. I have put the bin in it's correct position more times in the last month than I have done in the rest of my life. If you open a door and think 'there's 20 places they can go to in this room, I just hope they don't go to oh too late'. I hate them. Today I found the charging lead to my laptop in the kitchen when I'd left it in the living room. How the fuck? Why can't they just roll about and go meow and then chill out instead of being weird magic cats that materialise in a room even though I've definitely locked them out.  Why can't they do a shit and gently cover it with Catsan rather than kicking the whole lot right across the room and then still managing to tread shit on the floor. I hate them.

[Glebe]

Gary's new skin disorder mate Space Mumps

[madhair60]

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=92485.msg4828239;topicseen#msg4828239

The thread title just set me off

[Alberon]

I honestly think he'll resign.

[idunnosomename]

haha stupid fucking old cunt