Ways to precipitate human extinction

[PlanktonSideburns]

Can we all agree that seagulls are bastards?

Apparently they're pollinators so we can't even have a go at them now sadly

[PlanktonSideburns]

Well, this was tedious.

Looking forward to the "play"

The (abandoned) Dogs(2015)

[Sebastian Cobb]

Apparently they're pollinators so we can't even have a go at them now sadly

Pollinating each other round the back of a bin while they eat from it, the dirty fuckers.

[Johnny Foreigner]

Well, this was tedious.

Looking forward to the "play"

Trenter can be Frank, Surrogate can be Fred and Blue Jam can be Ishbel.
You can be the King of the Moon.

I cannot promise it will be interesting, but there will at least be some snappy one-liners.

[Sebastian Cobb]

every thread turns into a version of waiting for godot eventually.

[Cerys]

Nothing to be done.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Apparently they're pollinators so we can't even have a go at them now sadly

The fuck does a seagull pollinate? Curry?

[Blue Jam]

The fuck does a seagull pollinate?

They probably pollinate nettles or poison ivy or something spiteful like that.

[jobotic]

I like seagulls because

a) they're birds
b) they're funny. Love their hysterical arguments with each other.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

This heroic seagull carried an entire giant hogweed all the way to a primary school playground.

[TrenterPercenter]

Humans are pollinators too; both by intention and just by being motile animals.



I'm OK with seagulls.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I like seagulls because

a) they're birds
b) they're funny. Love their hysterical arguments with each other.

Once saw one get its beak into a discarded tin of special brew and up-end it to get at the dregs, i liked that.

One once was perched atop a traffic light and managed to shit all on my arm as I reached to push the button, i did not like that.

[Johnny Foreigner]

I was sitting on the ruins of Fort Charlotte in Lerwick, Shetland, when two seagulls approached me, eager for my Co-op cheddar. This was a very big piece of cheddar that I could not finish on my own, so I broke off some bits and gave them to the gulls. One of them was very domineering towards the other, but I managed to give the weaker seagull some bits as well. Suddenly, they both dived into a puddle; it must have been hard to swallow*, which necessitated their taking to the waters in order to further their digestion.

Thereupon, a Chinese woman materialised out of nowhere and asked me: 'Are you feeding cigars?'. This confused me in no small measure. I did have some cigars on me, but I could not see how one might possibly 'feed' a cigar. Only later did I realise that she had, in effect, put the stress wrong, and she had actually meant to say seagulls rather than cigars. I suppose, in a way, you could say I had been gullible.

*They were not swallows; they were seagulls.

[Kankurette]

Humans are pollinators too; both by intention and just by being motile animals.



I'm OK with seagulls.

I can't stand the cunts BUT I grew up in Brighton and they shat everywhere, so I am biased. I will admit their cries make me nostalgic though. And it was funny watching a pair of them fighting over food and smashing plates in Blackpool.

[Paul Calf]

I'm writing a play, all-right?

Cheers.

That's a coincidence! Neither am I!

[Johnny Foreigner]

Wrote a whole scene yesterday, for your information. I may be shite, but I'm not a quitter.

[AllisonSays]

Is your play going to épater les bourgeois, Johnny? I quite like the idea of a play that just consists of decontextualised quotes from Cookdandbombd, possibly performed in the style of Beckett's 'Not I'.

[Johnny Foreigner]

Yes, but squeezing it all into heroic couplets is very time-consuming.

[TrenterPercenter]

Love how some posters seem to think these Russell-Brand-tier bargin-Boris flourishes are impressive. It's basically the forum equivalent of getting your bald cock out.

[Hex Triplet]

A FLAGON OF YOUR FINEST MEAD, MY GOOD BARKEEP

[Blue Jam]

I can't stand the cunts BUT I grew up in Brighton and they shat everywhere, so I am biased. I will admit their cries make me nostalgic though. And it was funny watching a pair of them fighting over food and smashing plates in Blackpool.

That's pretty hardcore but entirely believable. Brighton's mutant gulls are even bigger and more hardcore than Edinburgh's.

I like seagulls because

a) they're birds
b) they're funny. Love their hysterical arguments with each other.

I once saw a seagull pick a fight with a crow... and lose. The crow was enjoying the remnants of a Greggs' pasty (probably) when the seagull swooped down and tried to steal it, before the crow managed to pinch the seagull's wing in its beak, preventing it from flying off and not letting go until it squawked in pain/surprise and dropped the pasty. Feisty crow. I was impressed.

Once saw one get its beak into a discarded tin of special brew and up-end it to get at the dregs, i liked that.

Mr Jam and I once watched a pair of seagulls systematically empty a bin of several lager cans. They managed to pick them up and fling them out onto the grass before pecking at them and then fucking off. Afterwards I went and put the cans back in the bin (because I don't want the human race to die of pollution and littering and that) but it was probably a futile gesture, more gulls probably returned and had another go.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Human extinction
He's only written a play
Bumfist bumfist bum

[thenoise]

Will there be comedy chinawomen pronouncing things wrong with hilarious results in your 13th or 15th play Johnny? I absolutely love that kind of humour.

Why not post a few scenes here, then you'll have had a few more readers than your other 12 plays. And this thread couldn't get any worse.

forum equivalent of getting your bald cock out.

Is it not meant to be bald??!?

[TrenterPercenter]

Is it not meant to be bald??!?

Not on the inside.

[Theremin]

This thread is making me nostalgic, it's been ages since I saw the 'I was only pretending to be retarded' defence in the wild

[Johnny Foreigner]

Will there be comedy chinawomen pronouncing things wrong with hilarious results in your 13th or 15th play Johnny? I absolutely love that kind of humour.

Why not post a few scenes here, then you'll have had a few more readers than your other 12 plays. And this thread couldn't get any worse.

I had one performed in 2003. It ran for three nights.

I really did go to Shetland and I really did feed the seagulls and I really was confused by a 'Chinawoman' who started talking about cigars. This was an anecdote I was reminded of, nothing more.
As for readers: I send my work to the National Script Reading Service (only available in Scotland), which provides very useful feedback.

[TrenterPercenter]

100% sock.  I have a pool of suspects.

[Harry Badger]

Back on topic, I wondered if anyone had seen this floating around in recent days?

I've held back on commenting on this thread as I am not an expert in environmental science or theatre criticism but the text here does rather chime with my own beliefs.

https://www.realgnd.org/citizens-warning

Fairly sure they aren't crypto-fascists.

[Johnny Foreigner]

Back on topic, I wondered if anyone had seen this floating around in recent days?

I've held back on commenting on this thread as I am not an expert in environmental science or theatre criticism but the text here does rather chime with my own beliefs.

https://www.realgnd.org/citizens-warning

Fairly sure they aren't crypto-fascists.

Someone's talking sense. Thank you.

[The Crumb]

This thread is making me nostalgic, it's been ages since I saw the 'I was only pretending to be retarded' defence in the wild

I always enjoyed the bayeux version of that