Making friends when you’re over 30

[madhair60]

Can't remember the last time I made a friend. Maybe CaB meets count? I'm not sure they would consider me a friend to be honest. A burdensome oaf?

[imitationleather]

I'd friendzone you any day of the week, madhair.

[JaDanketies]

50% of my friends (1 guy) owed me £40; he texted me presumably while pissed in the pub trying to chat someone up, and presumably bought it for coke. Then he texted me the other day saying he was trying to chat the same woman up, and could I lend him another £50 and he'd pay me back everything he owes on Friday (just gone). I'm reluctant to let debts scale up like that but he'd always been good for it.

Now he's not replying to my messages, they're not even going through, they're doing the 'one tick' thing on WhatsApp. Worried that he was making foolish drunk decisions that I was facilitating, that he wouldn't have got £90 in debt with me if he was sober, and that he's ducking me because he can't afford to pay me back. Should've learned by now never to lend money to friends.

[Ferris]

It's off-topic but never lend money to friends or family. I explicitly give money and have zero expectations of getting it back and make that abundantly clear. Buy me a drink some time, don't worry about it. You get more license to say no ("don't have it spare at the mo") and there's less (but never zero) awkwardness around it.

It also makes them guilty as fuck and that makes them more likely to pay up before you send round the heavies, and you look like the good guy into the bargain. Textbook.

[Ham Bap]

50% of my friends (1 guy) owed me £40; he texted me presumably while pissed in the pub trying to chat someone up, and presumably bought it for coke. Then he texted me the other day saying he was trying to chat the same woman up, and could I lend him another £50 and he'd pay me back everything he owes on Friday (just gone). I'm reluctant to let debts scale up like that but he'd always been good for it.

Now he's not replying to my messages, they're not even going through, they're doing the 'one tick' thing on WhatsApp. Worried that he was making foolish drunk decisions that I was facilitating, that he wouldn't have got £90 in debt with me if he was sober, and that he's ducking me because he can't afford to pay me back. Should've learned by now never to lend money to friends.

Hope you get your money back.

Ive been through all that. I dont lend money to anyone now. Lessons have been learnt. I decided not to be a bank machine.
In fact I dont lend anything whether its a book or a film or money. Just got to the stage with people that i've learned to say no. And if they want to fall out over it thats their problem. 'Dont ask as refusal often offends'.

[Blinder Data]

Funnily enough I found it hardest to make new friends in that post-university 25-30 period. If I had had serious hobbies or wasn't living with a partner (or had plucked up the courage to do meetup.com), I guess I would have made some.

Oh well, too late now that I have a baby - though actually that's been great for meeting new people. Mums and dads are my friends now, whatever the age.

(Unfortunately becoming a parent also means I barely see any of my old pals and frankly it's difficult to spend time with people who don't children. I was at a wedding recently and we were the only couple with a baby at the dinner table. The other guests' general joie-de-vivre and unmistakeable feeling of freedom made me sick. We had nothing in common and they didn't ask us about the baby at all. Bunch of weirdoes. I couldn't wait to get back home and talk about co-sleeping and poo consistency at the play park with my people.)

[Ferris]

@Blinder Data I am friendly with several people at my son's nursery but I only know them as [child]'s parent, and they only know me as [child]'s dad even though we've done names etc. We just immediately forget them because we don't exist outside of the parental function we provide.

I've also been identified twice by small children in our neighbourhood as [child]'s dad, and had conversations with their accompanying parents with that as my moniker.

It's a strange old world.

[Cloud]

Oh yeah never lend friends money.  I've seen it mount up with friend-of-a-friend he ended up owing thousands and not being in any hurry to pay it back because "well we're mates" and then there were tensions etc etc

I'd give a friend some money if they were desperate i.e. "this or the streets" and not expect it back but would make it clear, I'm giving you this money to help get you out of the rut, sort yourself out.  Don't become their personal bank machine or they'll never stop.

[imitationleather]

If anyone wants to lend me money I will be their friend no matter how over 30 they are.

[Bronzy]

If anyone wants to lend me money I will be their friend no matter how over 30 they are.

Adultwork profile considers rewrite.

[JaDanketies]

I managed to get in touch with him and my friendship circle doubled once more.

[monkfromhavana]

I managed to get in touch with him and my friendship circle doubled once more.

FFS I've just got my hammer and knuckledusters out of the shed as well.

[flotemysost]

Funnily enough I found it hardest to make new friends in that post-university 25-30 period. If I had had serious hobbies or wasn't living with a partner (or had plucked up the courage to do meetup.com), I guess I would have made some.

I do think circumstances play a big part in your motivation to try new things - not necessarily getting out of your comfort zone, but pushing you to make the effort at least.

I think it can be easy as well to fall into habits of always doing the same things and seeing the same people with an existing social circle - e.g. always going for the same pub/type of food/type of gig/club etc. - just because you end up going along with what they suggest, when in fact there might be new things you want to try, but you never have, because none of your existing friends particularly share that interest.

When I first moved to a flatshare in central London, it just so happened that at that point, most of my close friends were quite comfortable in their first "serious" relationships in their twenties, and were living a bit further out (although most of those particular relationships and living situations are no more) - so as I couldn't rely on them to make plans/be available all the time, I made sure to seek out my own fun. It didn't always result in lasting new friendships, but I tried things I definitely wouldn't have done if I was just waiting around to see if my existing friends wanted to join or would be interested.

[Dr Rock]

I owe one of my friends £400. He offered and I needed it, but I better nick a lot of stuff from Tesco to pay back my mounting stitched-together monster of debtors that's always loomimg over me.Looming, like it's going out of fashion. Or an I the debtor? No I'm a cunt, shame me.

[Cloud]

That's a lot of torches :)

[flotemysost]

I went to a bar on my own tonight (on a whim, as my pal bailed on our original plan) and now I'm apparently going to a gig next year with the people I got talking to, and potentially going to see a play one of them's in. Is this it, is this how you make new friends? Or is this actually a bit sad and pitiful, just talking to other lonely random cunts by myself? Surely this is what people used to do, this is how everyone's nans and grandads made friends, surely

[Dr Rock]

The only new friend I've made is a bloke who also gets his prescription every day from the chemists. I've taught him how to buy drugs off the dark web.

[Keebleman]

Join a rambling group, one with a younger than average age profile (Ramblers UK does set these up).  I did this at 36 and got a lot of new friends v quickly.  Good chance you might find yourself getting some shagging in too (not on the actual rambles though).

[Noodle Lizard]

I spent most of my 20s associating with artistic, fascinating and "unconventional" types who would form my basic friends group. I was a social butterfly, but then I went and fucked it up by having a kid and moving to the "nice" suburbs, and would have to drive the best part of 40 minutes to see any of them.

I'm in my early 30s, and around here there are very few people above the age of 20 and under the age of 50. It makes total sense, as there's fuckall to do, but it makes it very difficult to connect with anyone on anything but a superficial level. I like going to the British pub for the Premier League and chatting with the old Brits who've been here since the 80s, but that relationship ends there. The rest of the socialisation around here is either church- or kid-based. The most social thing you could do would be to coach your kid's sports team, and that is something I will never ever do.

Now, I prefer to spend most of my time at home. I enjoy it when I get the chance to see old friends, but it's astonishing how different our lives are becoming. They have zero interest in my kid or anything to do with it, which is fair enough, but that's what constitutes most of my time. Likewise, I find myself having less and less interest in their haphazard relationships, social dramas and low-level artistic ventures. I still love them, but it's tremendously sad to realise that you're growing apart whether you like it or not.

Do you remember being really into a band or a filmmaker or whatever, and thinking to yourself that it would be impossible for that love and fascination to ever end? And then, at some point or other, you realise that they've released a new thing and you're not stopping everything to go and see/listen to it? Not only that, but you might even wait a few months to see what the general consensus is before dedicating your time to it. Perhaps they come to your town, but you missed the announcement and aren't particularly bothered about missing them.

That's sort of what it's been like.

[Cold Meat Platter]

Recently I asked a friend of mine to sew a Death patch

Mate what was the Death album?

[The Mollusk]

Mate what was the Death album?

It's a big back patch of "Scream Bloody Gore". Not my favourite album but the artwork rules. I wanna hang out and get kissed up with those crazy skeletons.

[thenoise]

@Blinder Data I am friendly with several people at my son's nursery but I only know them as [child]'s parent, and they only know me as [child]'s dad even though we've done names etc. We just immediately forget them because we don't exist outside of the parental function we provide.

I've also been identified twice by small children in our neighbourhood as [child]'s dad, and had conversations with their accompanying parents with that as my moniker.

It's a strange old world.

It's great being a stay-at-home Dad, the few friends I have made being all women, and all they ever ask me is about my son (he's 2, what do you think? He's irritable, tired, hungry, excitable, annoying, boisterous, shy etc. Just like any other 2 year old), and ask where his mother is (she is at work, same as last week, and no its not a 'shame', we are lucky we don't both have to work). Still the closest thing i have to friends though. Apart from you guys (right??!?)

[The Mollusk]

It's a big back patch of "Scream Bloody Gore". Not my favourite album but the artwork rules. I wanna hang out and get kissed up with those crazy skeletons.

Realising now that the odds of meeting and befriending any new spooky skelets in my mid-30s are highly unlikely.

[Janie Jones]

The only reason it's harder to make new friends over thirty is mainly down to the arrival of children. The death knell of regular friendships...

I had completely the opposite experience. Still friends with people I met 36 years ago at antenatal classes. Then there were (hate this word and never used it but) 'playdates', school gates, sharing support of kids attending sports clubs, band practices etc. 90% of people I met in such circumstances considered me a cunt but the 10% who don't yield enough real friends to ensure, as my mum used to say, the crem won't be empty for your funeral.

Speaking of which, when you get old, funerals of contemporaries and older people are a source of new and lasting friendships. This is because a) the deaths of old people aren't the same source of horror and grief that the deaths of young people are so you're more likely to have a more reflective, positive experience planning and attending the funeral and b) you tend to have more time when you're old to meet up and put the effort into new friendships.

[The Mollusk]

I went to a bar on my own tonight (on a whim, as my pal bailed on our original plan) and now I'm apparently going to a gig next year with the people I got talking to, and potentially going to see a play one of them's in. Is this it, is this how you make new friends? Or is this actually a bit sad and pitiful, just talking to other lonely random cunts by myself?

I'm curious - how do you do it? Do you just walk up and introduce yourself? Do you have to wait for a lull in their conversation to sidle in? I've had nuggets of chat with individual people before, admittedly often when I've had a drink and feel more confident, but they've always been by way of "I can't help overhearing you talk about [thing I'm knowledgeable in]", and even then I never feel the gumption to follow through with "I'm the Mollusk, by the way, nice to meet you."

At the gig I mentioned in my OP I went to the bar to get some water from the dispenser but had to ask someone to shift over so I could reach it. The dispenser was hilariously slow, basically a trickle, and the guy remarked on how awful it is. I said "We'll probably be best mates by the time I get a drink from this thing". We laughed and chatted a little bit more and that was it. Later on it turned out he was the guitarist in the band I'd turned up to see. I'd been chatting to someone from the band on Insta earlier on asking about set times as well, so I feel like next time I go see them play I will most likely go up and have a natter with them. But even still, my high levels of self-doubt/imposter syndrome are insistent on convincing me I'll never fit in, they're cooler than me, you'd best leave it.

Surely this is what people used to do, this is how everyone's nans and grandads made friends, surely

Probably, although shared common interests back then were a lot more likely, right? Back when England only had two and a half football teams, four government enforced hairstyles, six types of job and one colour of clothing. Nowadays you get glassed if you say J-pop is better than K-pop and misquoting an obscure line from Game of Thrones will land you a night in the cells.

[Blinder Data]

I went to a bar on my own tonight (on a whim, as my pal bailed on our original plan) and now I'm apparently going to a gig next year with the people I got talking to, and potentially going to see a play one of them's in. Is this it, is this how you make new friends? Or is this actually a bit sad and pitiful, just talking to other lonely random cunts by myself? Surely this is what people used to do, this is how everyone's nans and grandads made friends, surely

This sounds utterly delightful and as someone for whom this experience is extremely unlikely, I urge you to make the most of it. Enjoy the haphazard relationships, social dramas and low-level artistic ventures (© Noodle Lizard) while you still can.

I had completely the opposite experience. Still friends with people I met 36 years ago at antenatal classes. Then there were (hate this word and never used it but) 'playdates', school gates, sharing support of kids attending sports clubs, band practices etc. 90% of people I met in such circumstances considered me a cunt but the 10% who don't yield enough real friends to ensure, as my mum used to say, the crem won't be empty for your funeral.

I'm lucky in that just before the baby was due we moved to a village where meeting other mums and dads comes easily. Due to COVID-19 cancelling every class and venue where you might meet new people, some new parents have been left isolated. It's a very 'parent' thing to claim you've had it harder than most, but in the case of new parents, it's undoubtedly true.

--

When does a relationship graduate to "friendship"? These days I find I can make acquaintances and perhaps meet people who I might go for a drink with  - but friends? I feel like I need them to wipe up my vomit after I've punched them in the face and cried about my dad to them before I can call them that.

[JaDanketies]

don't wanna be friends with any parents in case I lower my guard and they call the social services on me

[Pijlstaart]

I was unconsensually made friends with by a janitor, forgotten his name, but presumably hank. It worked for him, so this is what you do: First you need to identify someone with a an upper-mid range at-work shitting frequency, not disease levels, but someone adept. I was gunning through ~30 at-work shits a week, and I wasn't finding salvation in them all, let's put it that way, bit of a grind, so I'd spend lots of time traipsing between diverse shitting locales, a lot of dead time in corridors, so you patrol the trunk routes and take notes, you'll see patterns emerge. Any of your shortlist emerge from the toilet with tattered clothes, you latch on to them "Oh hi, chicken pie" you might say, "walkin' fast there fella", keep that going for a few weeks and then block off one of the main arterials with some gas-cylinders, that way they've got to stay there chatting with you until you've cleared the blockage. Don't have gas cylinders, do a snorlax, make them play you a flute, it's a bonding experience and they'll cherish you.

Woodland friends of course, a storied friend variety, they'll turn on you though, in a heartbeat they'll turn on you, but sometimes that's needed, it's a good thing. A sated friend is an expensive friend, the old adage goes, better to teeter on the brink, keep the cortisol high. 

[Jack Shaftoe]

I made one friend through my kids' nursery, and slowly realised over the course of the next few years he was a stone-cold nutter, gaslit his partner after helping himself to her bank account, everything. Fortunately she eventually saw sense and threw him out and he's moved to Italy now. Then my wife and I inherited his partner, who's actually quite tiresome, but thankfully she's moved away as well now.

Since then, I'm friends with a couple of other parents who I used to see on the school run, but it's 'chatting to when we're in same place' friends, not 'let's hang out at each others' houses and do social things' friends, which suits me.

Bit sad that my (female) best friend of thirty years has been ghosting me since the pandemic started, and I've only recently twigged. Pretty sure she took a dislike to my wife, causing my fantasy that our friendship could carry on with our kids playing together and all that to slowly die a sad death. Bit paranoid that I'll see her in town, because I feel shouting "c'mere you fat fuck" in a Tony Soprano voice and giving her a big hug is probably not the way to go any more, but we've been doing that for years and don't know how else to greet her.

[The Mollusk]

'chatting too when we're in same place'

My partner and I have a similar thing with our neighbours. Our street has a lovely communal vibe and one of the ladies bakes cakes every Thursday evening and we all hang outside her house and chat. Usually about 10 people turn up each week. They're all really nice people and we get on well, and a couple of them in particular I feel are close to being on our wavelength (i.e. weird/offbeat sense of humour, liberal-minded, easy going) but I've no idea how to progress it further to hanging out with them elsewhere, or more importantly if I even really want to.

I think part of it has to be fear. We've got a good thing going here already, what if we hang out somewhere else and then don't feel compelled to do it again afterwards, but we still see each other at the weekly thing? It's not weird per se, but it would have an underlying sense of awkwardness and failure to me at least.

Sometimes you just need an "in", a shared common interest, an event or cultural exchange of sorts that gives you an excuse to get together. When I went to the gig with my friend's partner he messaged me the next day and said he was really glad he'd found someone to start going to gigs with again. We might hang out outside of that setting or I might otherwise only ever see him as a couple with my friend, but either way having specific pals for certain occasions like gigs or... I dunno, watching the football, wine tasting, orgies... that's a great thing to have.