Desolation: The Malignant Seven

[jenna appleseed]

Sinking $1.5mil into a sandwiches advertisement jingle based on the hit song Bandages by Hot Hot Heat.

It always did sound like Sandwiches though, don't even need to re-record it.

[Glebe]

The local council stages a Baz Luhrmann-themed spectacular on the shitty common.

[Glebe]

The neighbours chant "Weirdo, weirdo!" outside your house.

[Chicory]

The bus that would've taken you to the love of your life is cancelled by a tiramisu hangover.

[jenna appleseed]

Dead rat & a mouldy carpet in the back yard, cobwebs clogging up the fire alarm, shriveled up slugs in the food cupboard...

[shoulders]

Bummed by a basilisk. He makes you watch on his big fuck off telly.

[Glebe]

An over-enthusiastic twat is mowing your living room carpet.

[batwings]

Sitting all lonely like in Weatherspoons, hoping your conspicuous use of an abacus sparks a conversation.

[Ferris]

Sitting all lonely like in Weatherspoons, hoping your conspicuous use of an abacus sparks a conversation.

...with the barmaid.

"Another Greene king please, I think I have *click clack clack* the right change!"

[Ferris]

You are gently reminded, again, that they only take those cards that tap nowadays.

[Ferris]

You leave, dejected, and your abacus breaks on the bus home. All coloured wooden marbles rolling about everywhere.

[Ferris]

A setback admittedly, but to be fair you have no idea how to use an abacus and anyway there's 6 more under your bed - enough to try the "have a conversation at spoons" routine for the rest of the week.

[pancreas]

You resolve that on Saturday you're going to pull out the big guns. A slide rule.

[Ferris]

Dignitas decline to intervene: "too depressing".

[Glebe]

Obsessed with linseed.

[shoulders]

Bawtry's Top Minger 2016 flings a pad of menstruate at the municipal rhombus.

[pancreas]

Your psyche escapes into Cash in the Attic and gets sold on to an enthusiast of memorabilia from the Third Reich for one pound.

[Glebe]

Next door neighbour is inviting local folk into his garden to "Examine my frenulum and win prizes!"

[Ferris]

When I was about 15 I worked in a shit shop, and a man in his 70s started complaining to me about types of sponge ("some do not properly absorb water, they only work to move it about").

My shit shop didn't sell sponges, so it must have been his go-to conversational topic. Even at the time I thought "this cunt is desolate".

[Glebe]

When I was about 15 I worked in a shit shop, and a man in his 70s started complaining to me about types of sponge ("some do not properly absorb water, they only work to move it about").

My shit shop didn't sell sponges, so it must have been his go-to conversational topic. Even at the time I thought "this cunt is desolate".

[dex]

Locked in a van with Zane Lowe, him refusing to concede he dislikes any song ever recorded. No common ground.

[batwings]

Saturday night. Full skin tag audit.

[Glebe]

Mortimer Glansfeast takes his girlfriend to Weatherspoons as a birthday treat.

[Glebe]

A garishly-coloured disco dancer vomits into a Betamax near Holmfirth.

[shoulders]

Fresh from 4 days swearing at pylons, your potato underpants wither from overuse.

[Glebe]

Mick Hucknell sneers at your cardigan.

[shoulders]

We're only making plans for Dogdon

[Glebe]

Keith of Hull has the world's largest collection of broken hummingbirds.

[Ferris]

After observing you for two stops on the Jubilee Line, Alistair McGowan adds you to his repertoire.

[buttgammon]

A hipster nerd in 2013 going for psychoanalysis.