Desolation: The Malignant Seven

[Glebe]

That's not Dream Topping dribbling out y'cock it's YELLOW PUS AIDS.

[Glebe]

Disgraced sewer technician takes trip to the Isle of Man to get hammered and have "lone wank party".

[Glebe]

The prostitute you've hired makes a 'disappointed' noise like a balloon deflating as soon as she lays eyes on your grotesque frenulum, here in this abandoned shed near Frinton-on-Sea.

[Ferris]

Your parents move to Minehead. You realize this means you will now spend a significant amount of your limited time in the UK in Minehead.

You are delighted, as they previously lived in Walsall.

[Glebe]

You become known as the 'Felixstowe Nutcase' for no discernable reason.

[Chicory]

"How many stars out of five would you give this album?" goes the tweet.

First reply:

"0 STARS CHIEF NEVER HERD IT"

Over 1k likes and counting.

[Glebe]

Bromley's worst hardman opens a cockfight parlour dedicated to "getting fellow boomers back on their feet."

[shoulders]

A man has mental breakdowns so frequently that he is pushed to recount in harrowing detail an evening where everything felt sort of alright.

[shoulders]

A clinical obstetrician upgrades your status from 'dog rough' to 'goat rough'.

[shoulders]

Departing this green earth to the tinny strains of Kasabian played through a Samsung Galaxy SIII.

[shoulders]

A doctored photo of you possessing a cripplingly small micro penis is so close in accuracy to the real life version it coins the term shallowfake.

[shoulders]

Use of paper cups with a slightly smaller capacity at Debenhams free water coolers in order to reduce plastic provokes Martin Lewis to launch a campaign titled 'The Great British Debenhams Swindle'.

[Glebe]

Feng shui is described as "a transgender activity" and banned.by the council in Little Bumfordshire.

[batwings]

A mirror opts out of reflecting your face.

[drummersaredeaf]

You create a decision tree to evaluate the relative merits of getting out of bed.

[Ferris]

"[Dapper Laughs] proposed to his longtime girlfriend Shelley in January 2018, during his eviction interview on Celebrity Big Brother."

[shoulders]

Relentless belt-tightening has forced your arthritic parents to sustain themselves with what they call 'motorway greens'.

I like that

[shoulders]

Michael Gove is here to spoil Christmas

[madhair60]

You run out of cum at the worst possible time.

[PlanktonSideburns]

You run out of cum at the worst possible time.

Christmas day

[Ferris]

Christmas day

and grandad is waiting.

[Glebe]

Geoff the Bumclown, hiding behind a stack of bean tins in Waitroise, Cleethorpes. He strikes suddenly, bumming you to the sound of KC & the Sunshine Band's 'Give it Up', playing over the tannoy.

[Glebe]

Penny Mordaunt going on a killing spree around Pontypridd in a hovercraft.

[frajer]

A mosquito spits your blood back in your face and leaves a scathing review of your forearm on Yelp.

[Glebe]

Reg from Cheadle is a fan of gout.

[touchingcloth]

You've gotten into the routine of first going onto the HS Art sub-forum and marking all posts as read.

[Glebe]

You've gotten into the routine of first going onto the HS Art sub-forum and marking all posts as read.

You've got my number TC!

[non capisco]

A few years ago I was made redundant. Told by some robotic HR cunt that I was surplus to requirements. "You've been coasting here for years and haven't applied yourself to keep up with new technological developments within the company" was what he said, like he'd been watching me on a monitor for eighteen years. I'd never once clapped eyes on the cunt before then.

Anyway, long story short - I didn't know what to do with myself, got into heroin and my knob rotted off. It was a gradual process of course, I wasn't just having a slash one day and it came off in my hand still pissing into the bowl. First it started looking like an angrily seasoned chorizo and then one morning I woke up and it was lying on the bed undeniably detached from my groin. So I thought "Yeah, fair enough, I'd better do something about this."

By that time I had more or less weaned myself off the brown but as so often happens with life you take care of one problem (heroin addiction) only for another one to fill the hole it left (no penis). I went down to A&E with my cock in a shoebox and had a bit of a breakdown in front of the triage worker as the enormity of it all hit me. "Is there anything you can doooooo?" Full on Tom Hanks at the end of Captain Phillips, snot bubbles, lip curled up like a sad Billy Idol, shaking like a shitting dog, a wretched supplicant holding out his shoeboxed cock like Oliver Twist's plate.

Once I calmed down I ended up getting referred to this specialist unit right at the back of the hospital where worked a guy called Dr. Grace. You know the 1980s sitcom actor Anton Rodgers? He looked exactly like him. Long story short, he could grow me another cock. I asked him if he needed the rotted cock in the shoebox as a reference and he said no, that one's a write off and promptly binned it. Not in a furnace, literally in the bin like a disgusting limited edition sandwich. I can do you a fresh cock he says, the only snag is it will take some time and I can only grow it on a mouse's back. I wasn't too phased by this because as soon as he'd said he could grow me another cock that's exactly what I'd pictured. He said it'll take about three months but you can come and see the mouse any time and check on the new cock's progress. So I was thinking, terrific. Off the skag and new cock en route. Just to be clear, I said, probably a stupid question but when it's ready you take it off the mouse and slap it on me? It's not some monkey's paw situation where I get a new knob but there's a live mouse squirming around at the base? Oh no, Mr. capisco! And don't worry, there are no stupid questions! EVERYBODY asks that! Which made me wonder how many people are coming into Darent Valley Hospital with missing knobs and getting the new knob on a mouse treatment?

Long story short, it took a bit longer than they said. Bit frustrating. Despite my libido returning I declined from going on any dating apps because if it went well I didn't think "Are you alright with just foreplay for now? I have got a knob but it's growing on a mouse at the moment" was all that enticing patter. I did go and visit the mouse though. Running around with my lovely new knob developing on its furry little back, happy as larry. The advantage of the old one being a write off was that Dr. Grace had been generous. This one looked a good two inches longer than the factory original.

You may be wondering what the 'desolate' part of this story is. Well, I'll tell you. Day of the operation comes round, off I trot to the hozzie. A couple of nurses get me all prepared and on the operation table. And then I hear laughter coming from the other room. It's Dr. Grace, pissing himself. Then he comes out of the backroom holding something. Long story short, it was a Nik Nak sellotaped to a rat.

Cunt had mugged me off. Didn't even work there. The mouse I'd been coming to visit was a puppet with a dildo. I'm glad that Forces TV has shut down because every time May To December came on after that I wanted to chuck the telly out of the fucking window. Cunt.

[Pink Gregory]

You're the tragic figure of King Midas but everything you touch turns to mould rather than gold.  Not really an ironic punishment of greed and more of a unfortunate lab accident.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Grandad leaves it all to Dobbies Garden centre - Shrewsbury.

"well I'm not giving it to those Webbs of Wychbold fuckers".