MATTER OF FACT DESMOND'S.

[Glebe]

PORKPIE: Desmond, I've got a great idea for giving this hairdresser's a makeover... and it won't cost that much money!

DESMOND: Whatever it is I'm against it!

MISSUS ADA DESMOND: Y'reactionary but lovable old skinflint!

Theme tune!

[Huxleys Babkins]

Stick some scissors in your pocket
Fetch the clippers from the van
And if you want a haircut and you're from the West Indies
Then brother, I'm yaaaa maaaaan

[Huxleys Babkins]

MICHAEL: Father, I cannot believe that you are drinking this Irish Moss and larking about with these salt of the Earth West Indian lads in front of the area manager of my bank!

MICHAEL'S BOSS: Oh, lighten up Ambrose, you stuffed shirt! Thanks to your dad and his set of utter dickhead mates, I'm giving you a massive fucking raise!

AUDIENCE: HOORAY!!!

[Huxleys Babkins]

Don't scratch my sofa!

[Huxleys Babkins]

There's an old African saying: Better dead than smeg.

[Goldentony]

DESMOND MAN IM NOT A PORKPIE AT ALL, IM A MAN, OF FLESH AND BONE

OH FUCKING HELL MAN WHAT

[Huxleys Babkins]

The name's Mond. Des Mond.

[Goldentony]

BARBER SHOP BARBER SHOP
ITS A TV SHOW ABOUT A BARBERSHOP
DONT SCRATCH MY SOCA
TIL THE PARTYS OVER

THE SHOW HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A PARTY
WHERE SOCA RECORDS ARE BEING PLAYED AND SCRATCHED BY DEEJAYS
BARBER SHOP TV SHOW
FUCKING BARBER SHOP

[Huxleys Babkins]

SKINHEAD THUG: I'm gonna smash your shop in.

DESMONDS: And yet still I, Desmond, will break bread with you.

[Glebe]

THE AFRICAN MAN: There is an old African saying-

YOUNG WHITE ACTOR WHO WILL GO ON TO BE IN A GUY RICHIE FILM OR SUMMIT: Aw fack me 'e's goin' on wiv 'is voodoo shite again.

[Goldentony]

glad we've all clearly seen enough 'Desmond Is' to know that nasally cockney actor was in it more than once