Stuck in a rut (help!)

[skibz]

Apologies if this thread irritates anyone...

Basically, I split up with my girlfriend about a month ago (her decision, not mine) and I've fallen into a pattern of getting more depressed the later it gets in the day. The problem is, I seem to have lost a lot of confidence in being able to express my emotions around other people, to the extent that I just can't bring myself to talk about the things getting me down to anyone that I know - friends and family alike. No matter how much I want to tell them, I just get this incredible feeling of fear when I think about doing it, I don't know why.

I think 'stuck in a rut' seems the best way to describe this - I won't cheer up unless I talk about things, but I feel I can't talk about things while I'm depressed. The depression, however, seems to be getting steadily worse by the day...

Anyone with any advice at all, please share it! :)

[cilamc]

I am sufferring insomnia lately so happened upon your message...lucky old you!

So is this the first time you've split up with a girl then? I think it is the natural reaction to have to a break up, to become gloomy for a while, lack self-confidence. I think that when you're going out with someone you develop certain habits and when the relationship ends it's a bit like having the carpet pulled from beneath you like somebody suddenly switching channels..."hey, I was watching that!"

Obviously I can only talk of my own experieces in these things but I think it's impossible to know what's going on in one's partners head half the time. All the thoughts, worries, hang-ups, secrets, dreams, desires, silly notions that people have...or that I have anyway... I wouldn't take the break up so personally. It shouldn't really affect your self-esteem, and I'm gathering that's part of the problem, right?

I think it'll take a few weeks yet to get back to feeling good and realising what you have to offer the opposite gender and what attracted your girlfriend to you in the first place. I suggest you do talk to people about things, it's a good time to let your guard down, maybe you're just a little bit embarrassed or something? Big deal about embarrassment! Sincerity is a great thing, let people see another side of you. Sure you'll learn from the whole experince anyway.

Now, that wasn't too patronising was it?

So..I offered my advice and it's a bit crap...unlucky old you! :-)[/u]

[VegaLA]

I went through this myself back in late 2001. It hit me really hard and like you I noticed I felt worse as the day turned to night. I was living on my own too which did'nt help matters either. I did manage to overcome this by chatting to random strangers on the net... seriously... I would meet girls on a Angelina jolie board then start chatting on AIM or MSN messenger. Met a girl in Orange county California and then met her in the flesh the following year.... stayed with her three times from July 02 to Jan 03 but nothing came of it, but it certainly got me out of the rut and paved a way for a new begining !
I do know what you are going through and no its not fun. Get yourself and XBox and take your frustration out killing other board members !!

[petercussing]

I dunno.

 It might be the time of year.

 I get really cyclical depression, and am currently 'out of my tree' depressed and keep getting really bad angxiety attacks.

Honestly though, guy, if youve split up with your girlfriend then you are probably feeling really normal, i.e. all but the most emotionally retarded would feel like you do having split up and it not being your choice. That type of rejection by someone you really love is indescribably painful.It will pass, even though that is something i'm finding to believe myself at the moment, it does. Or i would have killled myself by now.
About expressing yourself, people will be there for you and they won't think youre a cock or, being pathetic or anything, just choose the right people talk to. Even if you think they might not understand properly, your parents or family members are usually good to talk to, because on the whole they unconditionally love you and they really care about your well being, even if they seem distant and unaproachable. The truth is that they probably do understand how you feel and have felt like that themselves, even if it's not for the same reasons.
What i've found is there is only a finite amount of human emotions and experiences, and there are billions of people who have existed, so at least someone, somewhere know exactly how you feel. Sadly, but reassuringly, we are not unique in our experiences and there are loads of people who will care because they know what it feels like and the pain you are in (like me for, example) and it will get better.
Sorry if this post is a bit eratic, as i said, im not feeling too good myself, and sorry if there is no real practical advise, but all i can really say is that people do care and i hope you do feel better soon mate.

Or you could listen to my Grandads advise, "Pull yourself together boy". Mmmm, practical.

[Vermschneid Mehearties]

Get yourself and XBox and take your frustration out killing other board members !!

You do work for Microsoft don't you?

I find the internet is a great way to express your feelings unconditionally, and with no permanent emotional scars left over in real life. In that respect it's been a great improvement to our lives. It's not, and may never be as good as expressing those feelings in real life though, and when you do that, perhaps you'll come through the other side covered in smiles and goo.

I can't give you any advice from first hand experience, but I hope you'll pull through!

Best wishes. (Christ, it's not like you've died or anything...)

[SetToStun]

For what it's worth, I've been through a few breakups in my time (pretty much always with me being the dumped one - surprise, surprise) and yes, it hurts like fuck for ages. And the later in the day it gets, the longer you've had to dwell on it and the worse you feel. There is, I'm afraid, no magic bullet - you just have to carry on. Trust me, things will get better but it will take a long time.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to make her see how hurt you are - it's not going to help (I've tried it myself, of course). If you have good mates to hang out with it helps loads.

Keep it together for a few months and don't fall into the "I'm so depressed I need to drink myself daft so everyone can see it" category.

In summary (and I know it doesn't seem like any help right now), keep your chin up and find yourself a new hobby or study subject.

Sorry it's not more positive but you will get better and you will get your confidence back eventually.

[skibz]

Thanks guys, I'll give that advice a try.

I'm still finding it hard to supress suicidal thoughts, though - I don't know where they come from, but when I'm lying in bed it's all I can think about for some reason...

[Morrisfan82]

Recently I've been feeling very low when I go to bed too. I had put it down to the drinking habit, but maybe it does have something to do with the time of year too...

Was a fucking wreck the other day.

[gazzyk1ns]

I'm still finding it hard to supress suicidal thoughts, though

It's that bloody cube you're in mate, it'll drive anyone insane...

[mook]

Don't consider topping yourself over a bint ferfucksakes. Just because she played with your willy and smelled nice and has now fucked off is no reason at all to even start thinking about shit like that.

The first time it happened to me I twatted about in a pit of desperation for a few days, unable to believe that anybody could be so fucking nasty to a lovely feller like me. Eventually, after about a week I went to my local for a quick Guinness, just so everybody could see how brave I was being. I sat in the corner all mournful like, trying to read the paper, after a quarter of an hour or so a bloke I barely knew wandered over and asked what was wrong. I told him and he said."Well she was well out of your league anyway." It was the first time I'd laughed in nearly a week. In a daft way it all put it in perspective. Err I doubt if I've helped much have I? But..... rest assured it will get better. Best of luck.

[notnotnatnats]

Sweetie, the best thing to do is go to the docs, get some nice medication. Then go out and just 'do' things! Go down the pub, volunteer for a couple of ours and help the less fortunate, take up an art course in the evenings, go to the park and read a book, or find a new job or something that will challenge you. The less you do, the more your mind will wander and think of suicide.

The only person you're going to spend the rest of your life with is yourself. So go get happy.

[dirkfunk]

take up irish stick fighting

[petercussing]

With the suicide thing, i feel the same way. I always go back to the idea of killing myself whenever i get depressed, which is alot. I really don' t know how i made it through a lot of my life with out actually doing it. It's only the realisation that it's not always going to be like it is that has made me deal with it. Anywayt think about it though, it seems like the most simple and quickest solution to making any pain you suffer stop. It's not weird that that idea come to you as the solution to your troubles.
In my experience though, doing the easy thing is usually the crappest thing you could do, and striving hard for stuff usually brings the biggest, most satisfying results and often ends up making you feel genuinely happy. I know it sound like bollocks and i don't really like making grand sweeping statements, as this it not the case for every situation, but i feel that this is right on the whole.
 
Recently one of my longest standing friends tried to kills themselves (they really nearly did die) and it made me so upset that someone else genuinely felt so bad that they went a set further than i ever could at my worst. It made me realise just how much it would hurt other people (which has been the main thing thats always stopped me, hurting my family and friends, etc), It kills that he didnt think it would matter if he died, cos it matters more than any of the bollocks in everyday life.

Basically, i'm rambling again trying to fit loads of random bits of advise in, sorry, it just makes me sad when people feel like this cos i really understand. Please don't kill yourself as it will ruin everyones lives around you and shit will get better, even if it takes ages.

You maybe should go to the doctor as well and get some light medication like Beta blockers, just to get your mind to rest, as you will just feel worse and worse, if your sleep is really fucked night after night, and i pressume youre finding it hard to eat, which also fucks your mood up even more and imbalances your blood sugar levels, effecting your mind. And get a hobby or something lame like that, cos it's good to occupy yourself with pointless but absorbing shit, as it makes not you dwell on stuff. I became really good at scratching and got well into making music like this.  And exercise helps in getting you to sleep.

Errr, and yeah, don't just get fucked to deal with it, i dont think its that bad a thing to do for a bit, just to get over the hump, but its led me to have vast substance abuse problems.

I know this has all been really random, and most the time when people give me advise when im down i just think, "fuck you, what do you know!" I just hope you feel better soon, and that you don't top yourself. Take care mate!.

[phoresy]

I don't mean to put a dampner on things but if you are feeling suicidal at all I'd be very careful about starting medication. I've been in a sort of similar situation: my partner of 7 years split up with me earlier this year (the day after her birthday, tsk) as she'd been seeing someone else for the last two months. This obviously got me down (especially as my 2 year old boy is involved). This was combined with me changing jobs, not seeing most of my friends for long periods, deaths in the family, my mother getting cancer and just generally being skint.
Last month I saw my GP because i was losing energy in the afternoons and getting dizzy and hot; I mentioned what had happened during the year and he said I was depressed and gave me a week's worth of diazepam and temazepam.  About four days in and I was just totally zombified (I was even thinking about going down town and starting a fight, just to get some sort of feeling) and two days later I tried to kill myself. That's not something I would normally do and the doctor didn't even mention that the tabets would make me feel that way, his approach was to just give me drugs and that's that (therapy wasn't even mentioned).  I've been put on other tablets now, but I've been having side effects of nausea, tiredness and teeth grinding , and they haven't really improved me.
What has helped is going to counselling. Being able talk frankly with someone who is professional and you know is going to be non-judgemental is very liberating, especially when you are able to figure out why you are feeling and thinking the way you do.  Getting out , meeting new people and putting yourself into new situations (as mentioned previously) has really helped me and I feel a lot better, and it means you've got less time to dwell negatively on the past.

So in summary:
Drugs are bad
Getting out is good
(at  least that's my experience)



Sorry if there's a bit too much personal information, I just thought it might be helpful[/b]

[notnotnatnats]

Diazepam and temazepam aren't really used as anti-depressants are they? I was given them for a week once just because I couldn't sleep. I was supposed to take 2 a night, but one night decided to take a half dose and had the most nightmarish time. I was having bizzare lucid dreams and extreme paranoia.

Took prozac, that's a bit shit. Made me a bit compulsive and into self harming. Now on eefexor again which makes me a bit jittery but is otherwise ok. Sometimes you just need a little help to get through bad times, yknow?

Now who wants to hear about my gynaecological problems? No-one? Oh.

[skibz]

Thanks to everyone that's replied, reading this thread has really cheered me up as you've all suggested ideas that I wouldn't have thought of that I'll try and get into (except for the Irish stick fighting, I value my unbroken bones!)

Thanks again :)

[sky news]

Christ, it's not like you've died or anything...

he died for our sins didn't y'know

[petercussing]

Yeah, Prozac a bit crap, in my experience and with everyone else i've known who's taken it, and never take Seroxat cos its made everyone i know whos taken it try to kill themselves.

I wasn't really suggesting that he take harsh anti-depressants, just that he get something to help him cope a bit and to sleep.

 Phoresy, your Doctor is a bastard if he prescribed that for you so easily. Man, most GPs are rubbish and just want to cram you full of medication and the drop of a hat, rather than actually deal with your problem by spending time really diagnosing what's wrong.
You are right though, drugs should be a last resort, but at the same time i would probably be dead or in the nut house if i hadn't had the space my wrong brains needed to relax that my medication gave me. And you are massively right about getting out and doing stuff, making you feel better as well. It is the main thing that truely will help you.

[petercussing]

Hey this thread has made me feel a bit better as well. Oooo. That's nice, dear.Plus i'm actually going to  counciling tommorrow. Yay, team mental stability.

[phoresy]

This was the first time I'd seen a doctor for six years, and I wouldn't have gone if it wasn't for a friend nagging me. Even the psychiatric nurse I saw in the hospital (after my 'overdose') was surprised I'd been prescribed the tablets. I suppose I should have seen it as being a bad omen when the rep for Glaxo SmithKline came into the surgery while I was waiting to see the doctor.


Not that I'm cynical or anything.

[petercussing]

GPs is the wack. I really hate them, and as a concequence i find the Blue Jam/Jam doctor sketches well funny.

I hope you're alright now, mate.

One time, after taking some (illegally gained) temazepam and drinking a lot i tried to have an actual fight with a car.

Just the car. Not the driver or anything.

And now i'm all nuts and that. Yay.

[phoresy]

I had a bit of a run in with a car once, but I felt a bit guilty in the morning seeing as they can't fight back, and also because it belonged to my girlfriend.

[Peking O]

Now on eefexor again which makes me a bit jittery but is otherwise ok.

Hey I'm on that too! Fancy a shag? Oh no that's right, I can't. Wah! :-(

[yak]

try changing your diet or at least adding more tryptophan to your diet. Sainsbury's sell these packs of roasted seeds/nuts for about a pound. A pack a day keeps me sane. The best you can get are pumpkin seeds, those fucking rock the natural anti-depressant mix and I highly recommend those underated badboys, turkey is good if you're into your meat and stuff. Most prescribed anti-depressants only serve to change the way serotonin is absorbed into your receptors and causes all those lovely side effects which often lead people to even worse problems, tryptophan increases the levels of serotonin and nothing else. So yeah, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, turkey meat... there's a few others but those are what I'm trying at the moment and there's a real marked difference when between when I am and when I'm not eating them.

By the way skibz, I went through a similar break-up with my gf a few months ago and it took me ages to get over it. I've only begun to get back into doing work and so forth, it really wrecked my brain and chances at uni but seriously... if one things helped me it was changing my diet. It got to the point that no amount of talking/thinking/fucking/drinking/pilling was going to help but this whole tryptophan has made me somewhat more sane and likable.

Pumpkin seeds.