NOEL'S HOUSE PARTY BUT NOEL HAS BEEN EVICTED FROM THE PREMISES

[Glebe]

JOE PASQUALE: Hi and welcome to Joe Pasquale's All-New House Party!

AUDIENCE: YEAAAAAAAY!!!

Noel (squeezing down a drain pipe): Hrnng... urghh, good job, Joe, you're doing well, mate. You're doing well.

[Glebe]

KEN DODD: What a wonderful day, what a tattyfilarious day, to take over the House Party! Let's hope Mr. Blobby doesn't get too over-excited when he comes on - no, I didn't mean like that, missus down the front! *pokes tickling stick between his legs*

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHA!!!

NOEL (having snuck in): Well, it's not been a wonderful nor 'tattyfilarious' day for me, Doddy. 'Happiness' is certainly not a gift that I possess at the moment.

DODDY: This'll cheer you up, Noel - here come the Diddy Men, fresh from the jam butty mines! *singing* Di-ddy Men, Di-ddy Men...

[Glebe]

BRUNO BROOKES: Hey, gang, hello and welcome to another Edmondsless episode of the House Party! And tonight - ooh, no, it's Blobby!

BLOBBY: BLOBBY!!!

AUDIENCE: YAAAAAAAY, HAHAHA!!!

NOEL (struggling in through a small window): Grrf... urgh... yeah, Brookes, mate, not gonna happen. I got a gun here-

FLOOR MANAGER: -SECURITY!

AUDIENCE: SCREAM!!!

NOEL: Brookes gonna be dead-

*BANG!*

AUDIENCE: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!

PRODUCER: OH FUCK! NO!

FLOOR MANAGER: NOEL! How could you?

NOEL: Look mate, if you're gonna leave a window open, some fucker's gonna crawl through it, right? I mean, it was my house, up until recently!

[Huxleys Babkins]

NOEL: Tell you what, Liz, say what you like about Peter Powell, but at least he never did me dirty by doing the House Party like the rest of these parasites. My so called friends.

TV IN THE BACKGROUND: And now on BBC One, it's Peter's House Par-

MRS. EDMONDS: *quickly switches off the TV* I fancy going out for a curry. Shall we?

NOEL: OK. But not the Bengal Palace. Their Bhuna gave me prostate cancer.

[Glebe]

GORDON THE GOPHER:

AUDIENCE: *cough*

MR. BLOBBY: BLOBBY!!!

AUDIENCE: YAAAAAAY!!!

GORDON:

AUDIENCE: *murmur*

NOEL (suddenly appearing from behind the set): Did he not used to make a squeaking noise or something?

[Glebe]

BRUCIE: Hello and welcome to the all-new Brucie's House Party, nice to see you, to see you-

AUDIENCE: NIIIIIIIICE!!!

BRUCIE: Good game, good game, you don't get anything for a pair in this game, what do points make?

AUDIENCE: PRIZES!

Everyone, Brucie, the audience, Blobby, the Floor Manager and studio crew, the Producer, the Bailiffs et al, all look expectantly to the front door. After a moment, Noel falls crashing through a side window.

NOEL: Nah, can't knock The Master. Carry on, Brucie.

BRUCIE: KEEEEEEP DANCING!

[Glebe]

LEN GOODMAN: Hello, and welcome-

NOEL (popping up through the floorboards): NO, NO, NO, NOT having that! You'll be getting X-Factor also-rans in next!

PRODUCER: Sorry Len, but he's probably right, now that I think about it.

NOEL (being led away by bailiff): No hard feelings, mate, but... y'know...

LEN: Yeah, you're probably right. How about Bradley Walsh?

BLOBBY: BLOBBY!

[H-O-W-L]

BLOBBY: "Noel, this is a solo sneaking mission. You will be required to procure all weapons and supplies on-site."
NOEL: ".. Weapons? I'm only getting my favourite jumper back."
BLOBBY: "They've gotten Neil Morrissey to replace you."
NOEL: "Where did we keep the guns?"

[Glebe]

RONNIE CORBETT: Welcome.... heh, welcome, to the all-new The Two Ronnies House Party, it's woooonderful to be here, isn't it, Ronnie?

RONNIE BARKER: It certainly is Ronnie, and on a stuffed programme tonight, we'll be talking to a woman with huge knock-

NOEL: Hang on, hang on, hang on! How far are we taking this? The Two Rons are hosting now?

BARRY CRYER: They could turn their hand to anything, absolute consummate professionals.

BAILIFF: As for you Noel, out through that door from whence you came.

BLOBBY: BLOBBY!!!

[Huxleys Babkins]

*DING-DONG*

NOEL: Please, someone, help. We were in a crash, my wife... my third wife...

SOO: Oh, goodness. Sooty, stop the House Party, Sweep call 999.

SWEEP: *SQUEAK*

NOEL: Thank you, thank you so much. Right, coming up later we meet a 9 year old who makes his parents feel very uncomfortable on Wait 'Til I Get You Home, but first someone in the audience could become a thousand pounds rich-

SOO: What in the absolute fuck?

NOEL: Sorry, Soo, you know this business. You take every chance you can get.

SWEEP: *SQUEAK SQUEE-SQUEE-SQUEAK SQUEEEEAK*

SOO: You're right Sweep. He is an absolute cunt.

SOOTY: ...

NOEL: What did he say?

*Noel is tackled by two bailiffs*

[Glebe]

ROLAND RAT: Yeeeeaahhh, remember me, Rat Fans? I'm back, from the 1980's!

NOEL (having navigated the plumbing system): Oh no, no, no. It's not that you're from the '80s, Roland - I was a popular figure during that era myself! - but your downmarket brand of ITV tack is not welcome here!

BAILIFF: Out.

NOEL: I'm going, I'm going!

BAILIFF: No, not you, I meant Roland. The producer shares your sentiments. You can stay for a cuppa. But that is all.

[Glebe]

MARTI PELLOW FROM WET WET WET: Hello, and welcome to the new-look House Party, with me, Marti Pellow from Wet Wet W-

Suddenly, there is a banging on the window.

NOEL (shouting through the pane): NO! Roland Rat was bad enough, but I'll not have Marti Pellow from Wet Wet Wet taking over my gig!

MARTI PELLOW FROM WET WET WET: Sorry Noel, didn't even really wanna do it to be honest!

RICK ASTLEY: Does this mean I'm in with a shout?

BLOBBY: BLOBBY!!!