The Beekeeper (2024 Jason Statham film)

[Mister Six]

The latest entry in the "unassuming man with specialised job turns out to be retired hard-man killer, which is bad news for the people who just pissed him off" subgenre looks fun - and sort of is in places - but mostly feels like it was written by AI.

I know a lot of people say that kind of thing these days, but The Beekeeper really does feel like it was cobbled together from assorted action movie tropes by a glorified predictive text without any understanding of what's supposed to be going on underneath.

Jason Statham is a retired Beekeeper - one of a number of super killers trained by the CIA to... it's not clear. Assassinate people? Do... other things? The Beekeeper lore doesn't really make sense and isn't fleshed out at all.

They all literally keep bees though! All of them. Apparently They carry little books on beekeeping around for curious FBI agents to find at crime scenes. Why? Unclear.

Anyway, some flashy cyber criminals digitally rob an old black lady who exists purely to give him some kind of motivation, and when she tops herself, he goes on a path of vengeance up the food chain.

It sounds fun, and in places it is. Watching Statham fuck up call centres full of coked up wankers is entertaining, and a few of the stunts are pretty amusing.

But it's all kind of broken. Dead Black Lady's daughter is an FBI agent on Beekeeper's trail, but she doesn't seem terribly invested in either stopping or aiding him. The main villains are total nonentities, and the roster of moderately colourful sub-bosses under then are killed almost offhandedly, sometimes in the same scene they were introduced in. The film eventually remembers to introduce a really fun angry South African baddie who poses a moderate threat to Statham, but only 10 minutes from the end. The climactic confrontation with the big boss is just some people standing around in a room, then someone gets shot and Jason Statham says some unmemorable bollocks and jumps through a window. The dialogue is astonishingly poor. The bee motif doesn't go anywhere or make any sense.

Jason Statham has an American accent so bad they had to write it into the script. Then Jeremy Irons turns up with one that's even worse. Then Kate Lethbridge Stewart from Doctor Who appears with another absolute humdinger and you realise that this thing was shot in the UK for some fucking reason. They couldn't find any middle-aged jobbing American actress to take that role?

Anyway it's a masterpiece, 10/10.

[13 schoolyards]

Yay for the return of Statham's bad US accent - Scott Adkins just brought back his shonky US accent for the latest One Shot movie, guess it must be the season for it.

The market for these seems to have grown a bit in recent years, though I suspect that's possibly because Liam Neeson seems to have relaxed his death grip on the genre (especially the January action slot - he'd have a new punch-fest out the start of the year going back ages).

Usually the ones that make it to the big screen try to have a bit of a gimmick - Nobody had Bob Odenkirk, Equalizer 3 was basically a slasher movie set in Italy (only the slasher was the good guy) - but the angle here seems to be "ha ha this looks like the kind of rubbish that might be fun".

It's a bit hard to know what to think about the success of this one, as Statham largely stopped making this kind of solo hands-on violence a decade ago. Most of his films since then have been ensemble pieces (or in the case of the Meg movies, the rest of the cast ended up in pieces). He was basically the defacto lead in Expendables 4 but even Wrath of Man focused on other characters for long stretches.

Are people turning up just for the novelty factor of seeing him do this kind of movie for the first time in ages? If so, is he going to go back to churning out this kind of thing on a regular basis (which would be fine with me as long as he threw in a Crank sequel and the others were as good as, say, Safe)?

[BlodwynPig]

14 year olds hollering "yeh, fuck the system" after watching this. A few years later they are phone scammers or high school shooters.

[Oosp]

14 year olds hollering "yeh, fuck the system" after watching this. A few years later they are phone scammers or high school shooters.

[George White]

Jason Statham has an American accent so bad they had to write it into the script. Then Jeremy Irons turns up with one that's even worse. Then Kate Lethbridge Stewart from Doctor Who appears with another absolute humdinger and you realise that this thing was shot in the UK for some fucking reason. They couldn't find any middle-aged jobbing American actress to take that role?

Anyway it's a masterpiece, 10/10.

Jez can't do an American accent anyway.
Reminded of his attempt playing a Chilean with an American accent in the House of the Spirits, and well, he sounds pure Bristol.

[Gulftastic]

Transporter, mechanic, beekeeper, bank. Why do all of Statham's jobs involve him knocking the shit out of blokes?

I bet he's been sanctioned loads at the job centre

[Mobius]

He'll never top Crank but this sounds alright

[Sebastian Cobb]

I've got a mate with a father in-law whose favourite actor of all time is The Statham. Having met the bloke it seemed bemusingly out of character.

[Mister Six]

He'll never top Crank but this sounds alright

It's really not. Crank was ace. This is a mess. Probably all right to half-watch on streaming.

[Famous Mortimer]

I've got a mate with a father in-law whose favourite actor of all time is The Statham. Having met the bloke it seemed bemusingly out of character.

Wikipedia claims he's from Shirebrook, just down the road from my former home, where my mate Ray lives, but I'm pretty sure this is a gag someone slipped in an article about 15 years ago that never got corrected and is now "fact".

I'm a sucker for the Stath, so I might even go to the cinema to see this one.

[Butchers Blind]

This is basically John Wick on valium. Not very exciting but does give Statham another chance to do his punch and kick acting.

[Mister Six]

Sadly, his acting acting isn't up to snuff.

[madhair60]

this cunt never kept a bee in his life.

[Bad Ambassador]

Turned his back for five minutes and the little cunts all flew off, didn't they?

[Butchers Blind]

Would like to see Jason Streatham puch and kick his way through a million bees.

[The Culture Bunker]

Presumably featuring a cameo from his old Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels chum Sting?

(Twist: turns out it's Sting who used to be on the wrestling!)

[beanheadmcginty]

Transporter, mechanic, beekeeper, bank. Why do all of Statham's jobs involve him knocking the shit out of blokes?

I bet he's been sanctioned loads at the job centre

When I saw this at the cinema last week it was preceded by the trailer for an identical looking film called "The Bricklayer". Except with Aaron Eckhart instead of Stath.

Have to admit as a Kentish Man I was unreasonably thrilled to see the Isle of Sheppey featuring in this film as the location of that bridge he hoys the spiv off.

[jobotic]

Ooh is it the old or new bridge? Ever been down to the water's edge under the bridge? Feels exactly like the place you'd go if you had someone locked in the boot of your car ready to be executed.

[Captain Z]

Surely the twist should be that the bees come and form a protective cloud to catch him after he jumps out the window.

[Butchers Blind]

Have to admit as a Kentish Man I was unreasonably thrilled to see the Isle of Sheppey featuring in this film as the location of that bridge he hoys the spiv off.

Some bloke behind me in the cinema clocked that as well and said in way that was too loud, "That's the old Sheppey bridge, guaranteed."
Apparently the whole film was shot in the UK.

Would like to see a Stateham film set in the Isle of Sheppey with him punching and kicking his way around the inbreds on the island.

[non capisco]

Jason Statham simultaneously battering fuck out of the Blue Bell Hill ghost and the Blue Bell Hill hag whilst roaring 'NO ONE JUMPS OUT IN FRONT OF MY MOTOR!!!'

[Mister Six]

Some bloke behind me in the cinema clocked that as well and said in way that was too loud, "That's the old Sheppey bridge, guaranteed."
Apparently the whole film was shot in the UK.

Also Prague and Boston, according to the credits. That was a very British-looking countryside where he had those bees, and the "president's" house was obviously an English mansion.

Plus, obviously, all those British actors turning up and struggling to manage a Yank accent. Embarrassing.

[dead-ced-dead]

From the weirdness you all describe above, I've never been more excited for a movie in my life.

[13 schoolyards]

When I saw this at the cinema last week it was preceded by the trailer for an identical looking film called "The Bricklayer". Except with Aaron Eckhart instead of Stath.

I've seen The Bricklayer, and yes, Eckhart does play a top CIA spy who takes bricklaying tools with him on secret missions. Not only does his skill as a brickie see him find a secret hiding place for some USB full of dodgy info, but he kills two bad guys (in two separate fights) with a trowel.

[Dex Sawash]

Crank 7; The Beakkeeper

[dead-ced-dead]

I have a soft spot for when action stars want to soften their image, so they make a movie where the play a professional hard bastard (CIA, FBI whatever) and are put in charge of protecting an adorable little moppet.

The hard bastard has to go undercover as a a school teacher or a nanny or something and is at first reluctant, but their hard heart softens as they grow close to the child. And in return the hard bastard teaches the moppet how to fight.

I can see it now... JASON STATHAM is NANNY KILLBASTARD!

The tagline: Pray he doesn't put on his tutu!

[dissolute ocelot]

Grumpy old Statham is the best thing in Fast (And Furious) X. Although his head does bear a suspicious resemblance to the spherical bomb that rolls around Rome repeatedly going over the same short segments of road.

Anyway, I really hate people who say "The bees are dying! What will happen to us all without bees!" so he can fuck right off. Does he say this? I'm sure it must be the subtext. "Men like us, we're like bees. We're almost extinct and when we die the only crops will be wind-pollinated or cloned like a Cavendish banana."

[The Bumlord]

Would like to see Jason Streatham punch and kick his way through a million bees.

I would like to see a whole film of him just kicking and punching one massive bee

[The Culture Bunker]

I would like to see a whole film of him just kicking and punching one massive bee

Ms Arthur died in 2009, and I reckon she could have pummelled the crap out of Statham.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]