The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2

[Thursday]

NOT THAT ONE THAT'S UNFUNNY AND NEEDY AND META IN AN UNFUNNY WAY

DO THE GOOD ONE

[idunnosomename]

[touchingcloth]

NOT THAT ONE THAT'S UNFUNNY AND NEEDY AND META IN AN UNFUNNY WAY

DO THE GOOD ONE

(edit) ah fuck wrong account

[PlanktonSideburns]

Got there in the end thank you

[Kankurette]

I think that dunking on little darrens tweets for being inconsistent is such low hanging fruit they're touching the ground, peeled, chopped up, sprinkled with brown sugar, baked and served with custard

[Kankurette]

Shoulders on Jack Grealish:

It's like fancying an stunted unshaven product of incest with brain damage and an expression that looks like he only discovered how to wank last week and is really excited to go home and try on his mum's underwear.

[phes]

sounds like a description of Harry Kane

[buttgammon]

sounds like a description of Harry Kane

Although it was under my post about Grealish, it honestly could've been about either of them.

[Paul Calf]

Find me a picture of an Italian man with a flare up his bum

You need to say "Siri" first.

[Fambo Number Mive]

[Chollis]

When DJ Pied Piper arrives at your Grans funeral to announce that "we're lovin it lovin it lovin it!' the vicar completes the call and response "we're lovin it like thaaat-ah! "

You don't actually start to cry until the Ayia Napa bit though because it reminds you of a dwarf you totalled with a moped.

[Kankurette]

Dead unicorns.
She's a schlong gobbling zoophilic necrophile.
Sorry, she's an icky wicky wowwypop sooking beastyweasty neckyphoophoo.

[Beagle 2]

Often when I speak with people who I'm friendly with but not hugely so, I get the urge to tell them that they're my best friend and see what happens. I'm on friendly terms with my manager at work, and when we have 1:1s I like to imagine what would happen if I said "it's so nice having my best friend as my manager".

Really made me laugh. Just the thought of actually doing that in my weekly 1-2-1 meeting. Her shocked, flushed face.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

That is excellent, sorry I missed that. Much more subtle than the usual "Urge to shove people onto train tracks" Mad Thoughts.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Don't shame my vanilla phycopathy

[Fambo Number Mive]

[jenna appleseed]

[Glebe]

Thanks Jenna!

[Kankurette]

Your dad has been caught having a posh wank inside a boglin.

[Replies From View]

It would play havoc with the eye mechanism.

[non capisco]

This blunt bit of meteorological criticism just really made me laugh.

Yep, I think I've made my feelings about the sun clear on here already.

JUST FUCK OFF YOU BIG HOT CUNT

[Sebastian Cobb]

lol yeah that tickled me as well

[idunnosomename]

Kurt died three months before the release of Baby's Day Out.

[non capisco]

No that was John Prescott

Click for context.

[Ferris]

That one got me as well.

[Barry Admin]

Yeah that one too

No that was John Prescott

[buttgammon]

They should have gone for a more menacing voice . "Right you fuck, I've come alive and if you deposit anything in me that's not shut, piss or the paper thin toilet paper that tears when you try and remove it from the holder that you get on trains I'll swallow you whole and spit you onto the tracks at Derby covered in the shit of a dozen commuters. Got that? OK, commence defecation and I hope there isn't too much sweetcorn. I fucking hate sweetcorn."

Infinitely better than the juvenile shit Virgin Trains spew out.

[Fambo Number Mive]

They put a whole load of phrases into the scipts for voice actors and then program it accordingly, like a soundboard.

Quote from: National Express Talking Toilet Script
-Hi there, I'm the toilet! Come in and take a seat, standing's ok too!
-Have you brought some dinner for me? Or maybe just a refreshing drink?
-Over here, its me- the toilet! yes, here... that's it.
-Let's just close the door there, don't want everybody to see us and get jealous hehehe
-Please close the door, think of all the other passengers who will smell my dinner!

-Ooooh there you go, sit yourself down, yeeeees all nice and comfy!
-Oh I think you're going to have a LOVELY dinner for me aren't you?
-Come on, you can do it!
-eeeeeuuuurgh, push! you're doing a great job!
-I don't like to rush you but there are lots of other people that would like to visit me! It's hardly fair to them if you sit here all day now is it?
-Ooooh here it comes, I can't wait!
-mmmm ngongngon nyum-nyum oh delicious, nyum-ngam-nnnyom
-nyum nyum oh more please ngyam-ngyam-snaffle oh you're SPOILING me
-nyum- oh its delicious but can we -splutter - pause and clear some of the dinner - bwaaauf ~gag~  please- lovely ~gag~ as it is
-please-gluc-just push the flush
-gyuuu I'm choking ~splutter~

-oh my I am FULL! What a delicious dinner you gave me! yummy!
-my my! that was the BEST dinner I've had all week!
-oh, THANK you that was a nice little snack
-nothing today? oh well, not to worry, I wasn't really hungry anyway

-Ooooh a nice drinky! I can't wait!
- ~glug~ ~glug~ oooh so refreshing
- ~gulp~ oh, THANK you, so ~glug~ much
-Oopsie, just missed!
-over here hehe, let's not waste that lovely drink!
-please you're spilling your drink all over the floor
-mmmmm what a LOVELY refreshing drink that was!

-oops, missed a bit! not to worry just wipe it up with a little toilet paper
-oops, missed a bit! not to worry just pick it up with a little toilet paper
-don't forget to clean up the little 'accident' hehehe
-now you wouldn't leave your floor at home like that would you?
-please, let's be nice and clean up the floor and we'll say no more about it
-look, its all over the walls and everything, I'm afraid you're going to have clean it up
-please, don't leave me in this state, what will the next customer say?
-come on... there's only one of me for the whole bus, think of the other passengers
-ouch!
-ooooyah! stop that please!
-oooouuuwww! my seat!
-AAAAAARGGGHH MY SEAT, NOOOOO NOT MY SEAT!!!!
-AAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH
-NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
-AAAAUUUGHHHH!
-HELP! HELP! I'M BEING VANDALISED!!
-PASSENGERS! PASSENGERS! YOUR TOILET IS UNDER ATTACK! HELP ME PLEASE!
-I AUTHORISE ANYONE ON THIS BUS TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!
-Oh THANK GOD you came! There he is! Stop him! AAARGH! Stop him! OOOUAAAWW Before its too late!
-NO! NOOOO!! STOP HIM! don't JOIN HIM! AAAAAARRRRGHH!
-AAAAAARGGGHHH OOOOAAAUUUGGGHH! how could you?! AAAARGHH  NOOOOOO
-UUUH
-UH!
-uuuu I- I----- I'm---- dy---ing
-so....... weak..... (cough)
-tell them...... I.......t r ie d---- to
-.......be.....a.....good
-toilet
-............

[non capisco]

^ That's fantastic!

[idunnosomename]

I was just going to single out

-PASSENGERS! PASSENGERS! YOUR TOILET IS UNDER ATTACK! HELP ME PLEASE!