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March 29, 2024, 11:20:19 AM

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Absolutely pisspoor British films

Started by Mark Steels Stockbroker, August 06, 2018, 11:21:11 PM

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Mark Steels Stockbroker

For example Downing Street Siege, which is not even up to the standard of an episode of Casualty.

The DVD is instructive in that it has trailers for TWO pisspoor football hooligan/gangland/thriller shitfests, indicating there is an entire sub-genre of that stuff out there, the central theme of which seems to be "us geriatric old 80s hooligans can still scare the young gangs they have nowadays". The whole FreeTommy thing is starting to make more sense to me now.

Small Man Big Horse

Mad Cows - So horrendous that I can't even bring myself to talk about it in depth, it's the only film to give me PTSD.

Absorb the anus burn

Sex Lives Of The Potato Men.
Bring Me The Head Of Mavis Davis.

Ferris

Confetti.

Edit: oh wait, I was forced to watch a British zombie film that was supposed to be really good, but it was shit. So shit. At one point, one of the characters acquired an L-85 rifle with the carry-handle, but no front post (or foresight) which meant it was essentially useless (presumably because a SUSAT would be too expensive for the budget). I tried to explain why an actor running madly around in a scene with no aim or overall foresight was funny, but no one I was with knew what I was on about.

Don't know what it was called, but that. That was a load of shit.

Phil_A

The Hatton Garden Job (2017)

An utterly mediocre retelling of the real-life robbery which apparently not only gets most of the details of the meticulously planned theft wrong, but which had the balls to completely invent an additional member of the crew who isn't an old lag but a sexy young fella, who's it turns out is a good bloke really and only in it so he can pay of his gambling debts and start a new life, blah blah blah. The twist at the end being he gets away clean while all the others got banged up. A premise that's only believable if you think not one of the others would've dobbed him in once they got nicked.

Good cast of actors wasted on a load of old toot.

Bronzy

Rise of the Footsoldier 3.

I genuinely don't know if they're self-aware and deliberately making it hilariously shit or they're just so clueless they think it's "propa fackin' brilliant", but I really hope it's the former.

It's almost like a parody of British gangster films, it exaggerates every cliche to a cartoonish level.

BlodwynPig

Vicki Michelle and Shaun Ryder...institutions, mate

BlodwynPig


Twed


Twed


wooders1978

Any film that is based on "the Essex boys" (aka the three bullies who got shot gunned in that land rover in the 90s)

steveh

Those cheap British gangster movies I thought generally turned a decent profit and had no problems attracting investors (shades of Get Shorty here) to back them either.

Gulftastic

Quote from: Bronzy on August 07, 2018, 02:16:00 AM
Rise of the Footsoldier 3.

I genuinely don't know if they're self-aware and deliberately making it hilariously shit or they're just so clueless they think it's "propa fackin' brilliant", but I really hope it's the former.

It's almost like a parody of British gangster films, it exaggerates every cliche to a cartoonish level.

I watched most of that. It seemed like the scriptwriter was having a bet based on how many 'cunts' he could get in the film. It's a lot, btw.

Shaun Ryder is actually pretty good in his small role.

greenman

Quote from: Twed on August 07, 2018, 05:05:47 AM
Hitchhiker's Guide

Fucking shit.

Although that was close to "the strike" obviously being reworked by some Disney hired US hack as a more mainstream comedy.

lebowskibukowski

Rancid Aluminium. First time I actually got angry watching a film.
I haven't watched it, but I'm going out on a limb and saying Run For Your Wife.

I should really also add Love, Honour and Obey, but even though I know it is truly dire it has Kathy Burke in it so it scrapes a pass from me. 

imitationleather

That new Festival one with the guy from The Inbetweeners who isn't Jay or Simon Bird. Looks utterly shocking and about a decade out of date. Clearly the producers wanted to do a third Inbetweener film set around a festival but the other two were like "We're pushing forty! We've got Friday Night Dinner and Ladbrokes ads to do!" Desolation in trailer form.

Sin Agog

Quote from: imitationleather on August 07, 2018, 10:24:14 AM
That new Festival one with the guy from The Inbetweeners who isn't Jay or Simon Bird. Looks utterly shocking and about a decade out of date. Clearly the producers wanted to do a third Inbetweener film set around a festival but the other two were like "We're pushing forty! We've got Friday Night Dinner and Ladbrokes ads to do!" Desolation in trailer form.

Seemed pretty dumb releasing it on a Glastonbury gap year.

holyzombiejesus

Lady Godiva is a 2008 British romantic comedy film written and directed by Vicky Jewson. The film, starring Phoebe Thomas, Matthew Chambers, and Natalie Walter, was shot in 2006 but went unreleased for two years. Based on the historic tale of Lady Godiva, it was set in modern-day Oxford.

Plot
Jemima Honey, a teacher, needs to raise funds for her local creative arts centre. To do so, she accepts the challenge of businessmen and love interest Michael Bartle to ride through the streets of Oxford naked.

Proud and determined, astride a beautiful white horse, Lady Godiva rides through the medieval streets to protest against the high taxes her husband, Leofric, Earl of Mercia, has levied against the people. Into modern day Oxford where Jemima, an attractive but quirky young school teacher, fierce and independent, sets out to resurrect her dead brother's memory through the Art Factory, the place she has created where kids can forget their troubles and enter the world of their imagination. Where anything is possible.

Through a chance encounter, she meets the gorgeous Michael Bartle and is very much taken by his charms until she discovers he is the 'Godiva' man - a notorious play boy who has made his money in the lucrative world of horse breeding and is already involved with the glamorous and famous Veronica. To raise money to keep her precious Art Factory open, Michael convinces her to go on Veronica's TV show to talk about the project and to raise the much needed money to keep it open. She is horribly set up by Veronica and as a result is humiliated on national TV. The final let down comes when Michael, through his own stubborn pride ruins Jemima's chances of having her cause supported personally by Prince William himself.

Disappointed and shocked by the way Michael has treated her, she retreats back into her teaching until Veronica turns up and shows her how she can use the publicity to her advantage and get her own back on Michael who has jokingly made a bet that for £100,000, a sum that would assure the Art Factory's future, she wont ride naked through Oxford. The kids from the Art Factory, knowing Jemima's commitment to them, encourage her to be brave and to take up Michael's challenge. Other allies from both her and Michael's world also surprisingly give their support.

Jemima rises to the occasion and on May Day morning, traditionally a day of celebration, she takes the ride of her life and continues the Lady Godiva legend by riding naked on a beautiful white horse through the streets of Oxford. In true romantic style, Michael realizing the folly of his ways and how much he loves Jemima and her real values, turns up to declare his love and support for her.


Norton Canes

Bad Behaviour (1993) - feeble Mike Leigh rip-off with Stephen Rea

Clownbaby

The Cottage surprised me with how shit it was despite having Reece Shearsmith and Andy Serkis in it

Clownbaby

Quote from: imitationleather on August 07, 2018, 10:24:14 AM
That new Festival one with the guy from The Inbetweeners who isn't Jay or Simon Bird. Looks utterly shocking and about a decade out of date. Clearly the producers wanted to do a third Inbetweener film set around a festival but the other two were like "We're pushing forty! We've got Friday Night Dinner and Ladbrokes ads to do!" Desolation in trailer form.

When I was at Leeds festival a guy with a big camera came up onto the main stage, with that In betweeners actor, and asked us all in the audience to all look disgusted all at once and then all pretend like we were being electrocuted. I wonder if I'm in the film. I don't really want to be. Looks shit.

Chollis

Been meaning to watch this for some time

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Run_for_Your_Wife_(2012_film)

QuoteUpon release the film was savaged by critics and has been referred to as one of the worst films of all time, after it grossed just £602 in its opening weekend at the British box office to its £900,000 budget.

BlodwynPig

Quote from: lebowskibukowski on August 07, 2018, 10:17:00 AM


I should really also add Love, Honour and Obey, but even though I know it is truly dire it has Kathy Burke in it so it scrapes a pass from me.

why?

Amongst Hitler's top henchmen was Kathy Burke, so he gets a pass from me.

BlodwynPig

Quote from: holyzombiejesus on August 07, 2018, 10:44:57 AM
Lady Godiva is a 2008 British romantic comedy film written and directed by Vicky Jewson. The film, starring Phoebe Thomas, Matthew Chambers, and Natalie Walter, was shot in 2006 but went unreleased for two years. Based on the historic tale of Lady Godiva, it was set in modern-day Oxford.

Plot
Jemima Honey, a teacher, needs to raise funds for her local creative arts centre. To do so, she accepts the challenge of businessmen and love interest Michael Bartle to ride through the streets of Oxford naked.

Proud and determined, astride a beautiful white horse, Lady Godiva rides through the medieval streets to protest against the high taxes her husband, Leofric, Earl of Mercia, has levied against the people. Into modern day Oxford where Jemima, an attractive but quirky young school teacher, fierce and independent, sets out to resurrect her dead brother's memory through the Art Factory, the place she has created where kids can forget their troubles and enter the world of their imagination. Where anything is possible.

Through a chance encounter, she meets the gorgeous Michael Bartle and is very much taken by his charms until she discovers he is the 'Godiva' man - a notorious play boy who has made his money in the lucrative world of horse breeding and is already involved with the glamorous and famous Veronica. To raise money to keep her precious Art Factory open, Michael convinces her to go on Veronica's TV show to talk about the project and to raise the much needed money to keep it open. She is horribly set up by Veronica and as a result is humiliated on national TV. The final let down comes when Michael, through his own stubborn pride ruins Jemima's chances of having her cause supported personally by Prince William himself.

Disappointed and shocked by the way Michael has treated her, she retreats back into her teaching until Veronica turns up and shows her how she can use the publicity to her advantage and get her own back on Michael who has jokingly made a bet that for £100,000, a sum that would assure the Art Factory's future, she wont ride naked through Oxford. The kids from the Art Factory, knowing Jemima's commitment to them, encourage her to be brave and to take up Michael's challenge. Other allies from both her and Michael's world also surprisingly give their support.

Jemima rises to the occasion and on May Day morning, traditionally a day of celebration, she takes the ride of her life and continues the Lady Godiva legend by riding naked on a beautiful white horse through the streets of Oxford. In true romantic style, Michael realizing the folly of his ways and how much he loves Jemima and her real values, turns up to declare his love and support for her.

I've just taken the shot gun from the cabinet and it is resting neath my chin. *clicks play Lady Godiva*

BlodwynPig


holyzombiejesus

Quote from: BlodwynPig on August 07, 2018, 12:32:24 PM
I've just taken the shot gun from the cabinet and it is resting neath my chin. *clicks play Lady Godiva*

The trailer's on youtube although I've not had chance to view it yet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCbKEMpYYBg

Bad Ambassador


Brundle-Fly

This even has a handprint plaque in Leicester Square ffs


The Anna Sher Theatre School mafia make their own movie playing themselves. One of the most nihilistic unpleasant films I've ever sat through. Even Perry Benson can't save it. Or the ever-reliable Ray W.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZ156N9nj_M&frags=pl%2Cwn

Sebastian Cobb

I got Run for your Wife mixed up in my head with Run Fatboy Run, which is also a bit crap.

I didn't like Beware My Bretheren on the 2 occasions I caught it on late night BBC. Someone here seemed to think it was a cult classic though.