The Apprentice 2024

[touchingcloth]

The program works because they think they're on a big-boy show about inspirational entrepreneurial Randian supermen

I'm not convinced they do any more. I reckon about half of them have businesses and have googled "ways to advertise your business for free", 40% don't have businesses and have googled "how to get on the telly", and the last 10% are a mix of the type of people you've mentioned and people whose agents have put them up to it.

[FeederFan500]

I have stopped watching for the last couple of series and waste some of that gained time reading and hearing about it, but one of the people in interviews a couple of years back had sold 50 pieces ever. People with genuine businesses get funding through investors or take out a loan, people who want to be on TV go on The Apprentice. You don't even need to have a business plan, makes for a sweeter firing in the penultimate episode.

Imagine being Brady or Campbell, successful businesspeople whatever else you think of them, following less attractive Love Island wannabes around while they play a business themed gameshow where businesses and products designed in 10 hours are unsurprisingly shit.

[perplexingprocrastinator]

I'm not convinced they do any more.

Yeah, good call and well described too. I'm thinking nostalgically of the early series when the formula was so well calibrated and the people were less self-aware. It was so good back then. And the English crew improved on the American version SO much tonally and with the format.

I was actually amazed to realise that people took it seriously, I thought the whole thing was specifically supposed to be a mickytake on the world of business weirdos. Then I realised that loads of people think performative business wanker  nonsense is aspirational and good. Then I was sad

[touchingcloth]

Jesus, we've have twice as many mental series as normal ones now.

Stella - the last person who competed for and won and apprenticeship before suing Sugar for discrimination - was series 6.

Tom Nailscissors won series 7, the first person who won a cash investment rather than an apprenticeship.

She's a big girl now, series 18. Will we hit 20?

[Terry Torpid]

Do they still have to use physical phone books?

[Paul Calf]

I yearn for Sir Lord Shergar to say "You lot made a loss. But the 'winners' only managed 350 quid between 8 of them. That's less than 30 quid each for two days of dignity-crushing lying, grifting and backstabbing with free transport, free accommodation in central London and meetings with senior representatives of massive companies who'd have told you to fuck off if you hadn't had a BBC crew with you. You've both lost. Leave me alone to mourn the risible carnival clown that I've become."

[touchingcloth]

You lot made a loss. But the 'winners' only managed 350 quid between 8 of them. That's less than 30 quid each for two days

I quite enjoyed the ovaries on the one who ran the negotiations for the girls' team this week. A great tactic to go in with a ridiculously high starting price for shit cheesecake given the premise and setup of the show, and then styling out both the negotiations and the haggling over the price of the - surprisingly shit, even after all things are considered - final product with "well, I gotta pay my staff". It felt like it treated the show with the respect and in the spirit that it deserved, unlike Northern Boy getting confused and thinking he was genuinely an ambassador for chocolate cheesecakes.

"We all like our five a day, sure, but I think sometimes you've got to treat yourself, enjoy something a little bit naughty."

Naughty? It's chocolate, mate, not infanticide.

[Paul Calf]

Getting 11 quid per unit on a spec bulk order against experienced professional negotiators stretched credulity somewhat. She has a vicious, soulless, potentially highly profitable proposition - recruitment consultancy - for Shergar* so I'd guess that she's being set up to win.

* he really does look like a lost, retired old horse that's just waiting to be put out to pasture.

[Norton Canes]

I'll put this here since there's overlap potential and it's probably not worth starting a new thread - I watched Dragon's Den, on before The Apprentice, for the first time in years this week and it's gone all... feelgood. Only four pitches, so none of those 'filler' ones where they get dismissed out of hand, and the six dragons (including unfortunately-named 'breath of fresh air' Emma Grede) were being unreservedly nice to all of them. Not all the pitches were successful but even the ones that failed were praised to the skies and constantly told what lovely people they were. Turns out this was episode five - have the previous four been like this? Is this a response to people finally having enough of these fuckers dangling their approval like Roman fucking emperors - make them all cuddly?

(Also, it appears that now every time a dragon declares themselves out, the moment must be accompanied by a shot of them placing their notebook on top of the cash, then their pen on top of their notebook. Meticulous.)

[touchingcloth]

Not all the pitches were successful but even the ones that failed were praised to the skies and constantly told what lovely people they were. Turns out this was episode five - have the previous four been like this?

Not all of them, but there was one episode where one of the Neville's was on it being even more cloyingly nice, presumably as a distraction from the fact that he's a rentier cunt.

Getting 11 quid per unit on a spec bulk order against experienced professional negotiators stretched credulity somewhat.

These tasks where they go to a meeting prearranged by a researcher really come down to which team gets to pitch to the people who are least willing to "yes, and" the process. The Dungeon folks clearly had in the back of their mind that it's all fake anyway, so may as well say that fifteen quid for some cheese slops sounds entirely reasonable.

[thr0b]

I'll put this here since there's overlap potential and it's probably not worth starting a new thread - I watched Dragon's Den, on before The Apprentice, for the first time in years this week and it's gone all... feelgood. Only four pitches, so none of those 'filler' ones where they get dismissed out of hand, and the six dragons (including unfortunately-named 'breath of fresh air' Emma Grede) were being unreservedly nice to all of them. Not all the pitches were successful but even the ones that failed were praised to the skies and constantly told what lovely people they were. Turns out this was episode five - have the previous four been like this? Is this a response to people finally having enough of these fuckers dangling their approval like Roman fucking emperors - make them all cuddly?

(Also, it appears that now every time a dragon declares themselves out, the moment must be accompanied by a shot of them placing their notebook on top of the cash, then their pen on top of their notebook. Meticulous.)

Nope, it's been like this for a few series now. As I say, it's much better than it was.

The line-up is a great selection of different types of businessperson as well.

This series they're trying out Celebrity Guest Dragons, which is odd, but works. Gary Neville was in the sixth chair a couple of weeks ago.

[Dr M1nx PhD]

Naughty? It's chocolate, mate, not infanticide.

They tried infanticide last year

Cheesecake's pretty good. What else are you going to get passionate about, golf?

I agree, cheesecake is pretty good, but I'm never going to get passionate about something that I turn into poo.

[touchingcloth]

Asif should have gone tonight for two reasons.
1. When Sugar asked him, in the final three bit, what he did in then task he simply dissed the other two, and
2. That pointy beard, what the actual fuck is that all about?

There have already been stories in the papers about him seemingly being an Andrew Tate wannabe so I expect him to go far this series.

He's going to feature in all of his remaining episodes, but he's FIRED from You're Fired due to antisemitism - https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-68303830

[jobotic]

On Thursday, Marie van der Zyl, president of the Board of Deputies of British Jews, told BBC Radio 4's Today programme Munaf had made "vile antisemitic comments" and she was not satisfied with the corporation's response.

"The BBC only took action yesterday when there was a huge complaint. I wrote myself to [director general] Tim Davie and to the chairman, and all they've done actually is to edit him out of a BBC You're Fired.

"Apparently, when it became known about his antisemitic tweets after the show, which was filmed last year, he was sent on some sort of diversity and training course.

"You have to ask why the producers didn't make further enquiries. But if the BBC isn't going to get its own house in order and look at some of these people on our screens, then you have to wonder what's going on."

She added that if the issue had been "in relation to any other group, I think the BBC would have acted much quicker, and they've only acted because they've had to act".

Oh fuck off.

Any other group? Like the black Africans that Sir Alan enjoys taking the piss out of?

[touchingcloth]

Oh god, is his antisemitism going to turn out to be naming his escape room as Puzzle: The Final Solution?

[touchingcloth]

Team Super Ream sounds like a Wernham Hogg subdivision.

Asim on his escape room logo: "once it's explained, it's self-explanatory".

[imitationleather]

He's going to have his own show on GB News within a year.

[Capt.Midnight]

The OTT music underneath everything is really doing my tits in. Not everything needs an orchestral score.

[Ray Travez]

It annoys me because it's telling me, the viewer, what to think. Here's the kooky music, oh this guy must be a dolt. Look, he's fluffed his pitch, what a fanny. I know this is done to a degree with any show, but it's just so on-the-nose manipulative. In comes a candidate- bit of legato bassoon suggesting deceit; here's Shugs, fire up Zadok the Priest. Embarrassing.

I'm such a schmuck for watching this. I feel sorry for the candidates- the tasks are completed on a timescale that ensures a poor result; success is impossible to calculate due to the sheer number of incalculable variables; the production team set you up to fuck up; and on top of that they'll edit you in the cruellest way possible. Stumble during your pitch; they'll add in an extra five seconds of dead air just to maximise your apparent ineptitude. I realise I'm not saying anything new here, it's been thoroughly done over. I'm just disappointed in myself.

By contrast, I'm really enjoying Dragon's Den, though ChrissieBRMC won't watch it with me since I read her an article featuring entrepreneurs who had secured an investment, all saying what exploitative bastards the dragons were.

[Alberon]

The first three episodes have been so boring. If the 'buying things in a very contrived way' task doesn't entertain then I'll finally do what I've been threatening for years and drop the show.

[Gurke and Hare]

I liked the scouse gobshite woman, having been ignored throughout the task leading to a comfortable victory saying "Well, they should have listened to me anyway" afterwards.

[touchingcloth]

I'm such a schmuck for watching this. I feel sorry for the candidates- the tasks are completed on a timescale that ensures a poor result; success is impossible to calculate due to the sheer number of incalculable variables; the production team set you up to fuck up; and on top of that they'll edit you in the cruellest way possible. Stumble during your pitch; they'll add in an extra five seconds of dead air just to maximise your apparent ineptitude. I realise I'm not saying anything new here, it's been thoroughly done over. I'm just disappointed in myself.

I don't feel sorry for the candidates. It would be different if the only constant from one series to the next was devious producers out to make the candidates look bad no matter what they tried, but at this point it's been the exact same tasks and "curveballs" thrown by producers (no phones allowed, focus groups take place after rather than in advance of development, and on and on) that the candidates are surely aware of all of this and price it into their decisions to appear on the show. I wouldn't go on it, because there's no value for me in looking like a twat on national television, yet I might feel differently if I had myself or a business to promote.

Imagine if every single series of Taskmaster had the same tasks. That's the Apprentice, that is. The only person I feel sorry for is - like you - myself, for funnelling this inane slop into my face for 12 weeks of each year, like an Advent calendar filled with shit.

"People aren't taking responsibility over their own role in climate change!" No shit. People choose to watch The Apprentice.

[mjwilson]

I liked the scouse gobshite woman, having been ignored throughout the task leading to a comfortable victory saying "Well, they should have listened to me anyway" afterwards.

Wasn't she the one who said "When I'm playing a game I like to have fun?"

I did think she made good points.

[thr0b]

Wasn't she the one who said "When I'm playing a game I like to have fun?"

I did think she made good points.

The ones that make good points are always ignored and out in the first few weeks.

[lankyguy95]

I keep meaning to go back and track when it was that the show became this confined edited formula. I remember they had to issue an apology in Series 5 because of a misleading edit in the interview week where they spliced in series winner Yasmina coming out of a good interview after showing a bad interview, and so making her appear to lie to the other candidates that it had gone well.

I haven't followed the show for about eight years now. Every clip I catch seems to be locked in to the same editing grid as then, except that most of the contestants now look like they've been on Love Island.

[Psybro]

The editing is like a meta-joke for me, you're watching something which is now essentially equivalent to cassetteboy, mashing the stuff up to produce punchlines.

They did it last week where they built up to where the worst possible thing the antisemite bloke could say in the moment was that their game was realistic, so when he came out and said precisely that you only really needed howls of laughter from a canned studio audience to complete the effect.

[Hat FM]

always enjoy that running around buying stuff episode but it gets sillier and sillier every year.

How much is this?
£40
would you take £10?
No
£12.50?
No
Can we shake hands at £13?
Oh okay then :)

the things that they haven't heard of aren't even that tricky because they can just ask someone over 50 and there is a good chance they will know. might as well google it.

thought big teeth was a bit hard done by but alan was never going to like his go in at 75% lower tactic.

[EOLAN]

Surely the drivers are told to bring the contestants to the Lighthouse pretty close to the threshold. So we can get all the running around nonsense.

[touchingcloth]

Has there ever been a time in this task in previous series where we've seen the candidates giving instructions to the driver?

It's a strange hybrid of a treasure hunt, orienteering, and a negotiating task, so it's opaque how you're actually supposed to succeed. Classic treasure hunts will give cryptic clues, then the game is being the first to crack the clues and find their way to the objects in order. Saying "find a bachin, and buy it at a low price" isn't a cryptic, and when the rule of the game is "no googling, no dictionaries" it's not clear what's expected if you don't already happen to know what a fucking daft bowl for making manky black butter is. Is the expectation that your first port of call is to a library, tourist information point or local history museum? They're given the artificial constraint of needing to split into exactly two teams of equal size, when it would make sense to have two teams of buyers and one person sent to an information point to find out what a bachin is and update the teams over the phone.

It's good telly, but it's literally unwinnable, even more than any of the other tasks in the show. And there's no accounting for which way Lord Cunt is going to take things. That year when the instruction was "get a skellington", and one team brought back an anatomically correct model of one and the other team brought back a jointed cardboard thing and Amstrad boy flipped his lid? Neither team brought back a skellington, yet there's a universe where when he's had a better night's sleep and he congratulates them for thinking outside the box.

75% off is insulting during a negotiation? Sure, but you're buying one single bottle of inexpensive brandy and then never coming back to the rotten fucking island again much less the shop. He got 10% off compared with the other team's 5%, so what do you want? To not insult the shopkeepers of Jersey, or to get the biggest discounts? The one who was negotiating terribly for oysters in an apologetic "maybe...seventeen pounds per oyster?" way was doing the kind of thing I'd do as a meek twat who didn't want to insult a shuckler, but since when has that been Alan's disposition? He's chewed people out for not being hard nosed enough plenty of times in the past, and now he's all careful now.

Oh yeah, it's because we're 15 series in to the format where the tasks are utterly disconnected to the prize until the penultimate week when the actual task of "have the most investible business" begins.

What a failure of imagination the production team had when they set the task of buying a jersey on Jersey. May as well have asked for a cast recording of Jersey Boys.

[touchingcloth]

On another serious business topic, what do the Dragon's mean when they talk about things getting diluted? That show is another total mystery to me, where the Dragon's always seem to suggest that the decision to invest is based on the current cash assets and stock of the business. Isn't the whole point of getting investors that they believe the business is going to get bigger than that? They often do seem to invest in the potential of a business, but then other times say "why are you valuing this at a million pounds when you only have a tenner in the bank?" like they're spivs at an auction assessing antique jewellery based on the scrap value of the metals they're made of.